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Eeveelutions reselution

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by BlackStar80, Apr 27, 2013.

  1. BlackStar80

    BlackStar80 My name's Blurryface

    Hey there everybody, This Is BlackStar80 and I am writing a fan fiction for you guys :) It helps for my leader to read this because He said This stuff helps him a lot! So, I hope you guys like It, Especially you Bleumbreon This Is about an Eevee and all the Eeveelutions combining their powers together and realising how fights are the cause of war, bad stuff and mostly bad people, This Is a heart warming story, I hope you enjoy every last bit of It :)
    I awoke In a strange place, only just able to see, I tried to scan my surroundings. Everything was blury and all I could hear was muffled speech, the sea and footsteps.... The sun was shining, rapidly putting me back Into a deep slumber because Of the humidity that hit my skin and quickly spread.

    "Ugggghh, I can't do It, where am I, I-I need to know...... ugggh"

    I couldn't feel a thing... all went silent and I couldn't even see the shadows that Haunted me In the night, The darkness swept over me like a smokescreen...

    "Uhhh, hello, wake up, Hey! Wake up... Oh your coming together... hey. Are you okay?"

    I could see... after getting past that miracle, I staggered slowly to my tiny feet, trying to seem okay.
    "Uggghhhh, I-I am...... where? What? Who are you? Are you the ghost that haunts my dreams?"

    I became stiff and jolted up like a scared purrloin, shivering, I stepped back with caution, touching the wet sand where the water had skidded onto the beach. I felt so paranoid that I could've just... screamed!

    "Wow, wow, wow, man! Relax, come on, breathe: Inhale, exhale, good! Now, why don't you start by telling me who you are and how you got here, hmmmmm?"

    I stared at the Flareon, confused and scared.

    "I am.... I am Eevee, my real name Is kinkajou, I honestly can say that I have no Idea where In the world I am..... or how I got here, I am just.... here, I guess."

    I wasn't as weary as before and I relaxed a little.

    "You need to take It easy, come with me where you can have a rest... are you hungry?"

    I gave a shy expression and I followed the kind Flareon to his lair. When we got there, I collapsed with exhaustion, huffing and puffing, I curled up in a soft furball, I scanned my suroundings, It was really dark. It was so strangely homey In there, It felt like the rest of the world was nothing compared to this, crystals In the walls, treasure from his recent adventures! All on one little shelf! Not even a Zubat In sight, I layed down for the night... Flareon whipped up a fire in a split second with his powerfully burning ember. It made me feel all fuzzy and warm, not to mention that I felt safe with him too.
    The Flareon began to speak with his deep and smooth voice:

    "I am Argon.... I saw a figure laying on the floor and quickly, yet desperately, went to investigate the case. You were knocked out, laying there, you were just breathing.... so I-I helped you, you were so helpless at the time, but now, you have a very good fighting chance that you will get better! Now relax, just let your body go and relax... that's the ticket."

    I was very grateful for all the help and inside, I was jumping for joy and I'd just caught It. I began to speak nervously to Argon, trying to find out his feelings towards me.


    "So you're not a monster that wants to rip my intestines out?"

    The Flareon just stared at me for, maybe, ten minutes and then he started laughing at me.

    "Now, why in the world would I want eat a little kid, kinkajou, you need to be more aware of who you need to be hiding from and who you DON'T need to be hiding from... I'll show you, If you'd like?"

    He wore an intriguing face and stared right at me, I stepped forward and with that, my survival rested In Argons very paws...
    Argon began to ask a lot of questions that I didn't know the answer to:

    "How good Is your aim?"

    "How good are you at battling?"

    "What type of moves do you specialise in?"

    What were all these questions, Torchic was spinning round my head as I became more confused.

    "Here, this Is all I can give you, I am an Eevee, my real name Is Kinkajou, I am a normal type that knows how to use the moves: Bite, Tackle, Tail whip and growl. My ability Is run away, It allows me to run away from any wild pokemon that tries to battle me but sometimes, It's not enough... I have seven evolutions."

    I looked at him seriously and he looked quite satisfied.
    Argon used tackle on a rock, that soon after he hit It, smashed! I sat there watching him, amazed and automaticaly facinated by his burning fire type moves! He told me to use tackle on an even bigger rock, but I hesitated and began to refuse, He gently placed his paw over my silky, soft fur....what was this... It had to be helping hand! I began to glow and I grew less hesitant to hit the rock with my maximum power, I also grew so powerfully energetic that I charged straight at the rock without meaning to, I bashed my head, not being phased at all.................... Silence. I seemed disappointed, hanging my head down in shame was the only thing that felt right, along with criticising myself...
    Argon looked upset more than anybody... even Kinkajou, she just couldn't do It....

    "Hey, Kinkajou, fail as you might, you still have your pride and dignity. Just keep going for It kid, you'll get It one day..... Battling can be tough, I Know! Starting tomorrow, we practice bite, lets see If we can turn It Into a fabulously, powerful Crunch!"

    He smiled and looked determined, but not more determined than Kinkajou, she was ready for a better tomorrow! She slept In Argons lair that night... All was quiet, It felt uncomfortable.
    She began to breath slower, what was this effect she was feeling? She tried and tried again but nothing seemed to work, she collapsed again... Argon came In with some soup, only to find Kinkajous lifeless body, but was she lifeless?
    And that was Chapter one of my fanfiction: decision made in a split second :) Hope you guys liked It, second chapter coming soon :)
  2. Lt. BLEU™

    Lt. BLEU™ Top Class Lieutenant

    SPECIALLY THE PART WHERE "TORCHICKS START SPIININ' AROUND THE HEAD OF THE EEVEE" ::What were all these questions, Torchic was spinning round my head as I became more confused.

  3. RzK

    RzK Meow

    Nice beginning, though there is an odd shift from first-person to third-person in between...
    But I like it a lot!
  4. Toxic Nightshade

    Toxic Nightshade GET TO DEL TACO

    It's a very good concept, I like it. The most errors I see are when you suddenly switched from first to third person POV in the middle of the plot, along with capitalization errors here and there. Like:
    The "i" in "in" shouldn't be capitalized. This mistake is seen in multiple places throughout the chapter, so I suggest uncapitalizing them.
    Blurry is spelled with two "R"s.
    "Relax" is repetition. You can delete the second one, and it would still flow well.

    These errors were the only couple I saw, but I'm on my mobile so I can't do a full review. Re-read it again to make sure that no mistakes slipped through. It's a great story so far, good luck with it.
  5. Estellise

    Estellise freeze!

    Nice fic. Though, the PoV change is rather confusing (to me, at least. But it is a unique idea). And you also have quite a few capitalization errors...

    You also had some non-capitalization errors, but they weren't as common.

    Just fix those errors, and your fic'll be 10x better.
  6. Volcer

    Volcer Shur'tugal

    Hey, BlackStar. Gonna review your fic. :)

    Since Auaria pointed out the capitalisation errors, I won't. Errors:
    "Blury" should be "blurry".
    There can be only 3 ellipses. You have put four.

    "It" is capitalised. And again more ellipses.

    There are a lot of errors, so if you got someone to beta-read, it would be better. Or if you could proofread.

    This is an interesting premise, hope to see more.

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