Emerald Version Fiction

[allhailsneasel]

Okay, here's my first fiction book posted online...

Prologue: Battle of the Titans

Hoenn (a leader of a band that lived in Hoenn and hence chnaged all their leader's names to Hoenn when they became leader) was worried. Dead worried. Two gigantic creatures were battling for supremacy…in a battle that would soon destroy everything. They started moving towards him and his band, as Kyogre (the blue myhtic titan of the sea) blew a bunch of brave warriors away with a Water Gun, and Groudon (the red mythic titan of the land) defeated their Pokemon with an Earthquake. Suddenly, the two titans turned towards him, and all he could see before he blacked out was an old man apparently trying to defeat the titans with an apparently large Flygon that were rumored to exist only in the 2 Southern Seas…

Knowing he had done his job, the middle aged man strode confidently toward the tribal healing center, content with the little flicker of light he was holding in his hand…

Chapter 1: Thugfest!

Jimmy, a ten year old with black hair streaking across his face got out of bed, rubbed his eyes, and looked at the clock. 11:30?!? Why didn’t his alarm clock wake him up? “Mom, what is with my alarm clock?” he shouted downstairs.

“It’s Saturday, Jimmy. And, it’s Summer Break.” she replied, not knowing what rash idea had gotten into her son’s head this time.

“Gotta go! Bye, Mom!” he hollered as he ran out of the house and into the streets…

Slug, a seventeen year old who had lived above the law for two years, doing everything from beating up little kids to stealing donuts from a bakery, was feelin’ awesome. He had just gotten the latest scary hair cut. On the way, he got to beat up the barber who had said he looked 'intimidating', which had passed Slug’s line in the sand. No using words I don’t get. Every bully knew it as their unwritten code of conduct. You better be using hip terms, or watch your neck. Suddenly, a ten year old with streaking black hair across his face and dark blue jeans, really asked for it and ran into him. “Hey, you punk! Watch where you’re walking, ya *censored*!” Slug shouted.

“Who are you calling punk? And besides, you ran straight into me!” the punky ten year old replied. Slug grinned, and released his Machop, a Pokemon that could lift up boulders twice its size. Suddenly, a fat guy wearing a Dark Green outfit with a hood appeared behind the punk, and looked at the pocket where Slug had stole some donuts from a bakery.

“THOSE WERE THE LAST DONUTS!” he cried in rage, and released a Nuzleaf (a thin, wily Pokemon, with a long nose and a leaf on its head), a Zubat (a small bat with no eyes), and a Gulpin (basically a stomach and a mouth that moved). Gulpin pinned Slug down with a Block while Zubat confused his Machop with Supersonic and Nuzleaf stole the donuts using Thief. “Dang it!” Slug hollered, but oh well, he thought I can still pound a lesson into that runt! Hey… where’d he go?

Jimmy continued running down the main avenue away from the punk thief. Lucky that fat man came, otherwise I would be dead meat he thought. He decided he would take a special detour that only he knew to lose the bully. An hour later, he appeared in Petalburg. Soon, he was walking towards Professor Birch’s house for a starter Pokemon…

May had just appeared outside her new house. She really longed for the Johto region, but Hoenn is better than say… Kanto she thought, as there was almost no countryside in Kanto. After she had gotten settled in, she decided to go visit the neighbors. She found what was Prof. Birch’s house, but he wasn’t home. Instead, his wife and 10 year old son were there. May went introduce herself, but nearly got knocked over as he and a mud fish ran out of the house towards Route 103. Suddenly, May heard a cry in the direction of Route 101. She quickly hurried, toward that direction…

I've done up to Chapter 4, but I would like to keep it suspenseful...

 

[Klaus]

First of all, add more description. I kind of got confused during that donut scene with the bully guy.

It has a game plot and that is was is gonna turn people off. Now, before
I get told "I'm not using game plot." Sorry, i've been yelled at by other authors for telling them that. What I mean is the kid is 10 years old and
getting his pokemon from a professor.

Just read through it again and fix things. Otherwise, sorry it was ok i just
got confused in places.

As always, be kind to the mime. ;122;

 

[allhailsneasel]

Well, yes, it does have a game plot (although there's no Magma/Aqua sequence). I will try to edit as much as I can, trying to describe things better. Thanks for the tips. I will post my next Chapter as soon as more people have replied.

 

[katiekitten]

This is ok, but it does need some work...

Ok, first off, are you refering to Hoenn as the region or as a person.? It is very confusing, you need to make it a lot clearer. The whole thing is confusing, like Klaus said, please explain it out to us.

One word. Descrition. What does Jimmy look like? A drawf? A scare crow? Is he fat or thin? In Haiwi wearing a hoola skirt? A fat slob or a picky thin person? We need more. Much more. Tell us what he looks like, what his room looks like, what his alarm looks like. Here, let me give you an example...

Your first sentence: Jimmy got out of bed, rubbed his eyes, and looked at the clock.

Let me remodel it...

Jimmy opened his eyes blearily, rolling over and grumbling. He was tired, so tired. Sitting up, he ran a hand over his cropped short black hair, swinging his legs over the bed. He was in his room, a small box with black coloured walls and a single window. His bed was pisitioned beside the wall, with his feet facing the window and the top crammed into a corner. His feet touched the fuzzy black carpet, he sunk his toes deep into the woolly fibre as he dragged himself out of bed. Being a good six feet and very tall for his age, his head grazed the top of the small rom. Wincing he ducked, rubbing his head and muttering curses...

I'm not going to write this for you. But in that little clip, I have included his height, hair color and what his room looks like. Anyway, lets move on now you have the idea...

Next thing: The length. My chapters average 7 pages long EACH. I spend a lot of time and effort on them, getting them right. That is what is expected. Adding description will add to the length, increasing a one word sentence into a full paragraph as you describe surroundings. Think about it.

In the writing world, numbers are written in words. Thus 10 turns to ten. Try to do the same thing.

Last and final thing, the plot. I'm sorry to say, but it is kinda a cliche. It's better to try and be original with your ideas then using others. Some cliche are done well, but it is better to avoid them. Using the idea: Trainer gets up late and arrives late to recieve pokemon and ghoes on pokemon journey I sa tired idea. It had been done to many times, first by Nintendo themselves. Better to creat your own. If you need ideas, read other peoples fics for inspiration. Try Scraps sin, or Sabers fic, or Zerodius. It will also show you how the best write.

As this is your first fic, I'll let you off a little. Work on what I and Klaus have pointed out, and you'll get there.

 

[allhailsneasel]

Here's the second Chapter


Chapter 2: Save that Professor!

May ran full speed towards Route 101. Three Poochyenas, a black-skinned dog Pokemon with dark gray fur, were attacking Professor Birch, a reknown Pokemon Professor and a member of the SPF, or Scientific Foundation on Pokemon research. Another boy came up to help, who was probably around the same age, with a streak of dark black hair across his face and a dark green T-shirt reading 'Disturb at your own risk'. “Quick! In my bag! There’s three PokeBalls!” Prof. Birch shouted while eyeing the Poochyenas nervously. May quickly picked up one of the three PokeBalls, a red-and-white spherical device used for capturing and storing Pokemon and the other kid picked one with an exuding green aura.

“Go, Treecko!” he shouted, “Treecko, Pound!” The Treecko, a green-skinned lizard with a red belly and a long, dark green tail, eyed him nervously, then slammed its tail hard into one of the Poochyenas, KOing it instantly. The two Poochyenas immediately stared down the Treecko, who was staring right back. Okay May thought to herself release your Pokemon now. Treecko’s strong, but it can’t take on 2 Pokemon at once she thought.

“Go!” she shouted. A small orange chicken with claws appeared, whom May instantly recognized as a Torchic. “Torchic! Scratch!” she commanded as the other boy simultaneously ordered a Pound from his Treecko. The Poochyenas were knocked back, but not out. They starting Growling at the two starters, who immediately knocked them down with another Pound/Scratch combo.

“Thanks!” the professor exclaimed, “I thought I was done for there. Why don’t you keep the Pokemon you just used? I’m sure they’ll be happy to be out and about.” May nodded, and released Torchic so she could run with it. “Wait!” Professor Birch called, “I need to tell you something!” May turned around as Professor Birch gave her directions as to where to find her first battle.

Jimmy had already run off to get his second Pokemon by the time Birch was done explaining to May. Let’s see he thought I could catch a water Pokemon like Corphish (a crab-like Pokemon that could scuttle very quickly and used its claws to attack) for transport, and then catch a Spheal (a Pokemon that was rolled up in a ball and could stand extreme temperatures) later…I’ve always wanted an Absol (a Pokemon that was feared from everything from its white fur to black body because it was infamous for turning up right before disasters) and a Zangoose (a weasel Pokemon with sharp claws), so that’s four…hmm…what else? Maybe an Aron (a small Pokemon that feeds on metal)… Aggrons (the fully-evolved stage of Aron, very tall with thick steel armor and tremendous strength) are always useful when trained… how about a… but before he could think any further, a small, orange electric rat, which his Pokedex (a gadget showing data on all Pokemon) registered as a Pikachu, appeared and shocked him. “Hey!” he exclaimed “Go, Treec- what the heck? The Pokedex says Pikachus are yellow. Oh well, Treecko, Absorb!” Treecko quickly used the attack it had just learned, quickly weakening the ‘shiny’ Pikachu. Pikachu then shocked Treecko with a Thundershock, which didn’t do much damage. Jimmy then threw a PokeBall, which trapped Pikachu without much effort.

Jimmy was sprinting past Petalburg. All of the beautiful scenery passed as suddenly remembered… “Darn it!” Jimmy exclaimed, “Why didn’t I take the shortcut?”

“What shortcut, runt?” Jimmy turned around, and faced the bully he escaped from earlier. “Ya still need to give the cha-ching, punk.” Slug angrily shouted as he released a Machop and a Makuhita, a yellow Pokemon that looked fat but was actually almost nothing but muscle. Jimmy quickly sent out a Pikachu and Treecko.

“Absorb on Machop! Thundershock Makuhita!” Jimmy ordered, as Slug commanded both of them to charge, and Jimmy could immediately tell he wasn’t very bright, as charge wasn't even a Pokemon's attack. Machop slowed down and then stopped as its energy drained from it to Treecko, and Makuhita got hit with a shower of shocks that rendered it unconscious. “You’re gonna pay even more later!” Slug cried before running off. I wonder what he means thought Jimmy before he continued with his adventure.

May was frustrated as she kept running into wild Pokemon but didn’t have any PokeBalls to catch them with. At least it was raising her Torchic levels. Suddenly, she found who she was looking for. Professor Birch’s son, a boy called Brandon with white hair and a green headband, came up. “Hey…” he said, “Aren’t you that gymleader Norman’s daughter, as well as my new neighbor… hey! You have a Pokemon! Let’s battle!” Here goes nothing thought May.


“Torchic, Scratch!” ”Mudkip, Tackle!” the two trainers commanded. Mudkip, a mud fish Pokemon that May had seen rushing outside with Brandon, ran up to Tackle Torchic, but was knocked down by Scratch when it got close. Mudkip was hit pretty badly, and fainted.

“Hey… you’re pretty good. Why don’t we go back to Littleroot together?” May decided to run there, but Brandon was always ahead of her, and never seemed to tire.

Back at Professor Birch’s, May got a Pokedex and 5 PokeBalls. Her mom stopped here and gave her running shoes, which said it would be effortless to run in. Wait a minute May pondered in her thoughts Didn’t Brandon have the same shoes but a different color? No wonder he was so fast. Anyway, let’s get going! May rushed past Route 101, and found that they were not advertising but in fact telling the truth when they had proclaimed ‘You’ll never be tired again!’ As she neared Route 103, she noticed that the lily pads were moving in the opposite direction than the current…

May: Torchic Lv. 7: Scratch, Growl, Ember

Jimmy: Treecko Lv. 9: Pound, Leer, Absorb
shiny Pikachu Lv. 6: Thundershock, Growl

Hope ya like it, I will now go back to editing my first post.

 

[Dilasc]

One thing I notice off the bat is that this is NOT written in the reply box, which in it of itself, ups my rating for you by about a star rating. It shows that you took the time to read the rules, and seperates you from the lazy jerktards that don't.

However, that's about as far as good qualities go so far. Time to bring out the bad. Paragraphing! You MUST start a new paragraph when someone else speaks. It's a formatting proceedure every author follows if they hope to be good. Other than that, everyone else is on the money here.

I will add a tidbit of advice though. Go read stories by other good authors. Perferably those with star ratings of 4 or higher. You can learn a lot through style imitation, trust me on this. It is how I got to where I am now, and may help you get better too.

 

[allhailsneasel]

Fourth chapter, up and ready


Chapter 3: Shockdown in Rustboro!

Jimmy continued running around Petalburg woods, trying to get out when he spied another Bug Catcher. Please, please, PLEASE don’t have 6 Wurmples like that pathetic trainer back there he thought. The last trainer he had encountered had bored his shiny Pikachu with 6 straight Wurmples, a worm Pokemon with a stinger that was extremely weak. “Hey! Are you a trainer! Wanna battle?” the Bug Catcher exclaimed. Yeah Jimmy thought the only one in this whole damn forest, but he released Treecko anyway, as it could benefit from the practice. The other trainer sent out a weird bug like Pokemon with two antennas coming out of its head. Nincada, the trainee pokemon. Bug/Ground Type. Evolves into Ninjask, with possibility of Shedinja if trainer has enough space in party. Scratches and sucks life from the other pokemon. Ability: Compound eyes: Raises accuracy by 30%. Jimmy’s Pokedex beeped and then went off as it ended the message.

“Okay,” Jimmy responded, “Sucking life, huh? Two can play at that game! Treecko, Absorb!” Treecko sucked energy from Nincada at a distance, and when it came close enough to attack, it didn’t have enough strength. The bug catcher was going to request a rematch in 5 minutes, but Jimmy had already spotted the exit and ran out.

Later, he decided to test out a new technique Treecko had learned from a TM or technical machine, which taught Pokemon moves they could learn but wouldn't learn from leveling up, and battled two twins on a bridge who had a Lotad and Seedot, a seed Pokemon who used moves that store power. “Pikachu, Thundershock! Treecko, Bullet Seed! Lotad fainted from the barrage of seeds Treecko was spitting, but Seedot looked hardly hurt from Thundershock as it used Bide to store Power. “Same strategy as last time!” he commanded, “Seedot can’t stand two attacks at once, even if they aren’t very effective!” Jimmy’s prediction turned out to be true, as Seedot fell over, unconscious. Suddenly, Treecko turned all white, as Jimmy stepped back in horror. But Treecko just evolved into Grovyle, Treecko's evolution with thin arms with leaves on the end and a long leaf, stemming from its head, traveling down its back and now Jimmy understood that it had just evolved. “Yes!” he exclaimed, but he knew he had to train Pikachu more as taking down a Nosepass, one of Roxanne's (the first gymleader) Pokemon with a large, magnetic nose and a rocky body with two short arms and legs, wasn’t going to be anywhere near easy.

Jimmy knew it was going to be tough facing Roxanne. Pikachu could only hit Nosepass, and she had one more Pokemon than he did. Nevertheless, he still wouldn’t catch another Pokemon because he had already planned out his entire team. After training in Route 116 for a few hours, Jimmy felt he was ready for the gym. “Greetings, challenger.” Roxanne said as he entered the gym. “I am Roxanne, a student of willpower and defense. Willpower powers battles, and defense secures them. Being only able to do minimal damage destroys the opponent’s willpower and confidence. Thus, it wins the battle by stalling while you whittle away at the opponent’s health. Do you think you stand a chance against willpower and defense?”

Although it would sound better from an elite trainer, Jimmy thought her speech was still intimidating. But he still followed through and released Grovyle to face her two Geodudes. “Grovyle, Absorb!” he commanded, while she told her Geodude to use Defense Curl + Rollout combo. Geodude was about to roll when Grovyle used a 4x effective Absorb, and his strategy barely worked as Geodude almost reached Grovyle. So that’s her strategy, eh? he thought Normally, Absorb would help me withstand damage, but it looks like Bullet Seed will stop her in her tracks. As she released Geodude and nodded to it, Jimmy commanded a Bullet Seed from Grovyle. Geodude tried to Rollout, but was slowed down & knocked out by a barrage of seeds Grovyle was spitting.

Then, Roxanne released Nosepass with a shower of sparks that Jimmy hadn’t seen before. After he looked at Grovyle, though, he understood. Nosepass had used a Thunder Wave right as it was released. “Grovyle! Bullet Seed that Nosepass!” he said calmly, as Roxanne commanded, “Nosepass! Finish this off with a Rock Smash!” Nosepass responded by smashing its arm into Grovyle’s body, and then jumping backward while Grovyle was struggling with Paralysis. Nosepass followed up with a Rock Slide, rendering Grovyle unconscious. Jimmy cringed as he recalled Grovyle. Nosepass hadn’t suffered any damage, as he would’ve preferred to have Pikachu face a weakened Nosepass.

“What’s the matter? Don’t you have more Pokemon than just Grovyle?” Roxanne grinned. Jimmy didn't respond to her taunts, as he knew he had gained the upper hand by waiting a moment rather than releasing Pikachu earlier. “Pikachu, Thunder wave!” he commanded, and with a flash of light and a jolt of electricity, Nosepass was paralyzed.

“Hey! You can’t just steal my tactic! Nosepass, Rock Slide!” Roxanne was obviously steaming as she hollered these words.

Jimmy grinned, “I just did. Pikachu, Agility!” The extra training was obviously paying off. All of the rocks missed Pikachu, and the paralysis started to sink in. “Okay, Pikachu.” Jimmy calmly ordered, “Just like we practiced. You know your moves.” Pikachu ran around the field as Nosepass tried to get close enough to it to secure a hit, but it was too fast. Then, Pikachu turned around and blasted Nosepass back with a Thundershock. Pikachu jumped up into the air as its tail started to glow silvery.

“Nosepass, dodge it!” Roxanne squealed, but it was to no avail. Pikachu got a direct hit with Iron Tail to beat Roxanne and win the Stone Badge.

Afterwards, Jimmy was walking away from the gym towards Petalburg Woods, when suddenly a ten year old he had seen researching Pokemon on Route 102. Since he had seen some new Pokemon with him, he decided to heal his Pokemon and then battle. But when he went into the Pokemon center, two thugs wearing what looked like Magma suits but were Dark Green pushed him out of the way. “HELP! SOS! The center going to shut down in 5 minutes! Everyone out!” Jimmy heard the voice over the loudspeaker yell. As people exited, Jimmy realized what he would do.

“Pikachu, Agility then Thundershock!” he commanded in the middle of the chaos. As Pikachu dodged all the screaming customers, it found what it was looking for. Zap! The power all came on, and the screen showing power levels had gone up from 1.1% to 98.5%.

Jimmy finished eating the free dinner and desert the restaurant had provided, and went up to his Pokemon. “Great match against Roxanne, guys. By the way, I saw a trainer near the entrance. Do you want to battle? It could be another serious battle, not like facing the same Pokemon over and over.” Jimmy asked his Pokemon, unsure of the answer. Pikachu nodded eagerly, while Grovyle seemed curious about the trainer. “Okay, well then, let’s hit the road before we stay back at my parent’s house for a night.” Jimmy declared, “After that, we’re going to cross the ocean on a ferry.”

Jimmy faced off Brandon. He knew Brandon would save his starter for last, so he started off with Pikachu to face off against Brandon’s Torkoal, a fire Pokemon wiht a shell surrounded by steam. “Torkoal, Ember!” “Pikachu, Thundershock!” they shouted as they commanded attacks that were weak but strengthened by the Pokemon being the same type. As Pikachu sent a jolt of electricity towards Torkoal, Torkoal sent a small fireball at Pikachu. Pikachu got burned but Torkoal got paralyzed. “Okay, Torkoal. Use withdraw.”


“Pikachu, Thundershock!” Torkoal was shocked again, but seemed to have better defense physically.

“Torkoal! Finish it off with Ember!” Brandon commanded, but Pikachu dodged and knocked Torkoal out with a Quick Attack. “Okay,” Brandon declared as he sent out Mudkip, a blue mud fish Pokemon with an orange fin on its head to detect its surroundings, “Second round. If I win, we’ll face off our Pokemon that won. If you win, well, you win.” Jimmy sent out Grovyle, and with a flash of light, the battle was on. “Mudkip, Mud Slap!” Mudkip blasted mud at Grovyle’s face, lowering its accuracy.

“Hang in there, Grovyle! Absorb the energy that you lost!” Jimmy ordered, but Mudkip Tackled Grovyle before dodging the Absorb. Mudkip came back for another Tackle, but Grovyle was ready for it. It heard Mudkip’s footsteps and Absorbed all the energy Mudkip had left.

“Nice battle,” Brandon sighed as Jimmy started leaving, “Guess I have some more work to do on my battling skills.” Jimmy had already left, though, for his parent’s house.

Jimmy: Grovyle Lv. 18: Absorb, Bullet Seed, Pound, Leer
Pikachu Lv. 17: Thundershock, Thunder Wave, Iron Tail, Quick Attack

I am going to correct the way I describe PokeBalls as i gave the wrong color.

Edit: Sorry about lack of updates my main computer monitor isn't working so I can't work on the story which is saved on my main computer.