++Empire I: Flametalon++

[Dr Kayden]

++{Flametalon}++
++[Part I of The Empire Saga]++
"Enter the Depths of Tyta's Bleakest Moors in a Perilous Quest for Destiny and Truth While Bravely Confronting Blood, Terror, and Death...."

(Rated PG for some minor violence and mild language)

++*~*++

Table of Contents
+Prologue: The Awakening+ - 12/26/05 +
+Chapter I: The Hatching of a New Era+ - 12/26/05 +

++*~*++

The Characters
(Ones who have been mentioned so far.)
Lugihart - An evil Milotic ruler, capable of using black magic; so he is black himself.

++*~*++

Ok, some of you may have seen me post this at PE2K and PC, and in those two forums, this fic went over quite well, so I'd thought I'd post it here. So enjoy Flametalon, part one of the Empire Saga!

++*~*++

Prolouge
The Awakening

The mists of memory gather, the more with each passing year. Yet one day remains clear in my mind as this morning's sunrise, although it happened those many centuries ago

It was a day darkened by mists of it's own, and by smoke thick and wrathful. While the fate of all pokemon hang in the balance, no mortal creature suspected. For the mists of that day obscured everything but the fear, and the pain, and the slightest hint of hope...

As still as a mountain for years beyond our mortal count, they grayish-brown boulder just suddenly stirred a bit.
It was not the fast-flowing water of the River Tyto, slapping the base of the rocks, that caused the alteration. Nor it was the Furret whose favorite hobby was sliding down the gap between two particular stones, and into the muddy banks of the pure blue waters. Neither was it the family of Treecko who had adapted to live by side of the river and it’s partner boulders.

No. The stirring came from a completely different source. One that has never been seen by the inhabitants of this earth. The source of the movement came from deep within the stone itself.
As mist gathered the banks of the river, a scraping sound rendered the air. A moment later, the boulder, once again, shifted ever so slightly. Near the atop the stone, a small crack appeared. Then another crack, then another. All at once a jagged chip fractured, leaving a hole that gleamed with a strange, luminous light. Slowly, something pushed it’s way out of the hole. It shined with great light, dignity, and apparent power, even as it scraped the rock’s rough surface. It was a claw.

Far North, in the desolate rough mountains of the land known by Igor, a trail of smoke rose upward, like a Seviper. Nothing else moved in this land. Not even the tiny Caterpie or Weedle. The land had been scorched-so powerful it had obliterated the trees, stones, and almost every creature in sight. This land had been the lair of a dragon. Years ago, at the golden age of his reign, this creature had obliterated forests, and swallowed villages whole. Charizard was this dragon that had reigned here so long ago, had descended from a long line of ruler dragons, therefore, he had to follow the family’s customs. Until finally, a hundred years ago, a dark wizard, Lugihart, managed to drive the Charizard back to it’s lair. He had remained in his scored cave, ever since...

Charizard was still sleeping peacefully in it's cave after a decade of wating for the rages to cease.
Then, sensing his destiny nearby, he slowly opened his bloodshot eyes. The flame on his tail lit itself, after a hundred years of his deep sleep which had been thought to had been enternal.

Finally. My time has come. Nyra can't hold up with that egg forever.

The dragon rose to his feet, lifted his wings and began to take off, when a strange, pale-faced, two-legged figure walked towards him and his web-covered stone lair, carrying a curved blade that gleamed and reflected ominously. Then, with a start, Charizard realized the blade was lifting to strike.​

 

[Saffire Persian]

An interesting premise to events - are you going to continue with the POV of the Charizard? I'm a fan of Pokémon POVs, you see. The first line of the prologue is what hooked my interest, and so far, this looks rather interesting, though I truly can't comment because this is a Prologue..

Things can change quite rapidly. But the description is nice, and everything has a good 'lyrical' flow to it thus far. I look forward to the first chapter.

 

[Ryano Ra]

The mists of memory gather, the more with each passing year. Yet one day remains clear in my mind as this morning's sunrise, although it happened those many centuries ago​

In this particular place, you accidentally forgot to end the sentence with a period. ^^;; Minor mistake, but please excuse me for being picky. I get like that when I read very good beginning fanfictions - I like to nitpick at Prologues.

As still as a mountain for years beyond our mortal count, they grayish-brown boulder just suddenly stirred a bit.
It was not the fast-flowing water of the River Tyto, slapping the base of the rocks, that caused the alteration. Nor it was the Furret whose favorite hobby was sliding down the gap between two particular stones, and into the muddy banks of the pure blue waters. Neither was it the family of Treecko who had adapted to live by side of the river and it’s partner boulders.​

In this particular place, you missed seperating the two paragraphs. Again, something very minor and something you will definitely read over, but as very great this seems so far, it caught my right eye. ^^ Now, time for the gleeful part of the review. ^^

MEOWNAGE. X3

I love the new names. o.o Especially River Tyto, it is oh-so-majestic and elegant, it reminds me of a great fantasy name that I used in one of my past fantasy chaptered fics. I am assuming this must be of the fantasy genre, for it instantly gave me that particular vibe once reading the last couple of paragraphs. You have a great choice of words balanced in your descriptions, which is excellent. The only thing I can point out is the minor grammar errors, such as it's when it should be its. It's is a contraction, and should be looked upon as 'it is' so you won't get confused between the two.

Being as avid member of PE2K Forums (Scorch Ry, though I left), I don't know how I missed this there. o.o Ah well, you'll be posting it here. Good luck with the first chapter, and I shall return. Oh, but might I ask what the entire of this is, for I think it is fantasy, though I'm not sure. ^^

 

[Dr Kayden]

Thanks for the reviews, guys. Yes, Serpent Syra, it's fantasy. Sapphire persion, actually, I'm planning on switching th POV to different 'Mons as time goes on, but there are no humans in this fic, so the answer to your question is yes.
Here's Chap. 1.

Chapter One
The Hatching of a new Era

Why live now in the past? A new hatchling’s arrived, a die’s been cast. A brighter future the kingdom’s hoped to find, now that thanks to us the royal Charizards have been so kind. The Charmander in that egg may choose to follow his family’s tradition, to rule the lands of Igor in the North, and Tyta in the South. Or will he perhaps choose to join the evil dark wizard and his Aerodactyl in armed alliance and destroy what is left of the vast two lands? Either way, the fate of the whole world rests on the shoulders of that destiny the young hatchling chooses to follow.....


While a Charizard’s shrill screech scattered and rendered the barren lands of the North, in the green tranquil forest standing by the River of Tyta, the grayish-brown stone, which was now surrounded by the inhabitants of Tyta and the forests nearby, started to vibrate much more violently and vigorously than it had previously. The claw which gleamed in the golden light of the boulder now tore at the stone, undoubtly desperately wanting to free itself of what lay hidden inside that boulder. Abruptly, the entire top off the stone fractured and fell off in the flowing waters of Tyta’s river. The witnessing pokemon’s faces made an absolutely appalled look. Trees and leaves rustled as they fled in horror. All of them. The Furrets, Poochyena, and Rattata. Indeed, all of the pokemon ran away quickly in horror from what they had seen before them. For what did stand there by Tyta’s vast river in place of the stone was a yellow, goldenrod flamed she-dragon. She was a Charmander, the kingdom’s last hope. But she wasn’t just any ordinary Charmander, for she was.....a shiny Charmander.

Char?

*~*~*~*

In that very same land, a mother Charizard with her beautiful sapphire-blue eyes and wings was observing the most lively part of Tyta for something that had appeared to be in the bunch of fruit bushes that seemed to have had every type of berry imaginable growing, sprouting, and budding in it’s bushes. However, this particular Charizard was looking for something specific. A Rawst Berry. Unfortunately for her, all the bushes seemed to behold, to hide, to contain, were Ice Berries. The Charizard Nyra shook her head and stuck out her tounge in utter disgust. She knew that in order for her baby Charmander, which would be hatching soon, to sustain a healty, large flame on his tail, she would have, absolutely have to feed him a Rawst Berry. Disappointed, Nyra continued her expedition to find that perfect berry. At that very moment a shrill cry screeched in the air around her. An armor-covered, lavender pterodactyl-type dragon was beating his wings very hard in the reflection of the crimson sunset of the evening sky. It was none other than the dark wizard’s Aerodactyl.

Reeee!!!!

Nyra looked upward past the trees and noticed immediately that very Aerodactyl, the dark wizard’s, was out to find not just her egg, the egg. The one the kingdom depended on to help rebuild those barren lands in the north, the land called Igor. The metal-armed Aerodactyl didn’t seem to notice that Nyra was spiraling upwards right toward him. He didn’t notice the glittering flame on Nyra’s tail gleam ominously in the reflection of the night’s first black. Nyra then violently shot herself upward in the same way a rocket does during takeoff as an attempt to gain enough speed an altitude to injure her foe and.......

WHAM.


Aerodactyl tumbled to the left and out of balance. The very force of Nyra’s blow would leave him bruised in the chest cavity for weeks. Enraged, Aerodactyl eyes turned blood-red as he opened his fang-based beak to snap and fracture Nyra’s neck, which would instantly kill the beautiful fire-colored dragon. Nyra could see her foe’s plan in his eyes. She could tell by the very way his eyes gleamed that we was trying to kill her, that not his mind has leading him to do this, but his rage, the madness that careened inside of him was the cause of this. She knew, that the dark wizard wanted to control that hatchling Charmander so he could claim rule over the kingdoms of Igor and Tyta. She then saw Aerodactyl rocket through the darkness of the night as the full moon gleamed on his purple-gray, metal-armed back. She knew what he was doing. She was ready. But then something occurred she hadn’t counted on. Nyra’s enemy, right before biting into the orange dragon’s neck, abruptly ceased his flying and spiraled upward very swiftly, hoping Nyra would pursue him. But she didn’t. No, Nyra stayed flying right where she was. Aerodactyl then ceased his wing beats and looked far below and saw that the tiny orange speck that was the Charizard had not followed him. His plan had failed. He had just had it with her. He wanted to kill her. Right then and now. He stood there, flying in place, thinking. When Nyra had least expected it, the armored Aerodactyl flew down. He flew....for the kill. Beak open, jaws locked, he came closer to Nyra’s throat....closer.....there! Nyra had noticed that Aerodactyl was trying to kill her, but it was already too late. Nyra roared with pain as Aerodactyl’s jaws sunk deeper into her throat. Flesh tore, bones crushed, muscle pierced. Nyra was trying to fight back when she felt her throat break. She could feel no more. See no more. Breathe no more. The world became a huge light as her neck still bled freely. Her lifeless body fell back towards the forest of Tyta. The Aerodactyl, satisfied, flew towards the River of Tyta as his armored body became engulfed in the light of the full moon in the dark blue night sky.

*~*~*~*

Down by the River of Tyta, the little Charmander looked around the bustling forests from her position atop the remains of had not been a stone, but an egg. She then started to run quickly through the forest. Her little feet pounding the ground desperately in the hope of finding her mother. Her eyes started to tear in hunger, thirst, and pain. Pain of the heart. Indeed, her petite heart felt scorching hot as she ran to find her family, her destiny. She then felt something scaly, just like her, meet her right foot. Then she became scared as the ground slowly, but surely raced towards her. She had tripped. She closed her eyes, thinking it was her end. She then lay alone. She thought one thing, and one thing only.

I am alone......
All alone.

She had opened her eyes when the morning’s light had just pierced the forest’s darkness. Charmander looked ahead and gasped at what she saw. Her eyes filled filled with tears at what lay there before her. It was her mother. Her mother, Nyra. Her eyes were open, but not blinking. Here mouth was opening, but no breath came out of it. Her tail was there, but no flame sat upon it.

Char?

Being new into the world, Charmander didn’t know her mother had died. But she did know that she was completely and utterly alone. Tears dripped from her eyes at the very thought. Then a screech pierced the sky above her.

Reeee!!!!

Charmander then looked up into the pink morning sky to see shining armor covering a lavender scaled body. It was the Aerodactyl which had killed her mother only last night. Being alone, Charmander knew her time in the world had been short. She knew what was to be coming as the Aerodactyl rocketed downward towards the Shiny Charmander.

 

[Dr Kayden]

Chap. 2. Oh, and if your'e wondering how I post these so fast, I'm just copy and pasting of my PE2K version.... I only got as far as Chap. 3, though...


Chapter Two:
In the Talons of Aerodactyl

The power to shine must come from within. The power to live must come from within. For with a new name, comes new dignity, sprit, and power. This is why a name should be what you are. For a name might as just decide your destiny. Whatever your name was chosen to be, it has affected your destiny, character, and life one way or another, for better--or for worse....

The wizard́s Aerodactyl spiraled down, it́s silver, shining armor gleaming in the new morninǵ's sunlight.

Reeee!!!

The purple dragon then opened his mouth like a door on hinges, revealing a dozen curved, white fangs. The Charmander below winced at the thought of those fangs crushing her bones. She screamed for help;

Charrrrrrrrr!?

But there was no signs of reply. All she could her was her own cry rebounding off the forest floor, her echo. Aerodactyl then struck out his three-taloned feet and spread out his talons, ready to seize the Charmander’s soft, scaly flesh. Before she had noticed, her arms were trapped in a cage of six violet talons. The hatchling glanced up and saw the face of the lavender dragon’s blackish-brown eyes glare and bathe her in their warmth.

“Surprised?”

Charmander cocked her head in confusion, then looked below, at the gleaming, pure-blue ocean for what seemed a thousand feet below her tiny, yellow tail curved between her legs in fear. She looked up again only when the Aerodactyl spoke once more.

“My name is Vhjllam. I was forced by my father to work for the evil dark wizard, Lugihart. Even though I despited him, I gave unquestionable loyalty. So no, I don’t wish to do this. Yes, I’m also terribly sorry about the death of your mum. It was the rage, the rage of my hatred for Lugihart that drew me to do it. How about, I join you and help you find the remains of your kind, the Flametalons?”


The she-Charmander stared blankly at Vhjllam’s face for a moment, which would have been longer if he hadn’t started speaking again.

“My, you are an odd-colored one, aren’t you?”

At this, Charmander uttered a soft murmur under her breath.

“You also need a name, a name of power, and dignity, but also one that fits you......I’ve got it! What do you think about Mystic?”

Charmander nodded violently. Then let out a squeak of delight.

Char! Char! Charrrrrr!!!!!

Vhjllam smiled sweetly.

“All right, Mystic it is then. I’d reckon we find somewhere in Igor to land, then I’ll tell you the Legend of the Flametalons.”

Charmader watched the ocean below pass by at a dizzying rate as they flew faster and faster across the Empire. Every time land seemed close, it turned out to be far, far away. And in fact, Vhjllam and Mystic’s destination seemed to grow farther and farther away with each passing moment.

**~*+*~*+*~**

It was the crack of dawn when the agitated Aerodactyl and his partner, the sleeping beauty that was the Charmander Mystic, had finally reached Igor. Being in the far, desolate North, the region of Igor was covered by a white blanket that stretched across the land. Once Vhjllam had found a satisfactory landing spot, an ice spur piercing the fine-threaded blanket of snow, he started to spiral down. When his claws had rested fiercely into the burning-cold ice, he gently nestled the shivering Mystic under his scaled, lavender wing, and yawned a deep, agitated yawn. One could clearly tell how tired he was, judging by his bloodshot eyes and weak voice. And with that weak voice, Vhjllam began to whisper under his left wing to Mystic.

“Maybe, we’ll just rest today, for I think you and I both need it after that journey. I’ll suppose that I’ll teel you your history tomorrow, and maybe teach you to talk. It’s seems really quiet with only I speaking. Well then, good night.”

The Aerodactyl closed his tired eyes, and immeditently began to fall into a long, deep sleep. Mystic on the other hand, was still awake after a few hours and looked around the frozen landscape, seeing if her mother was there. When she saw she wasn’t, her sapphire eyes began to fill with tears as Mystic’s mind filled with many thoughts.

Where’s my mom?

Who’s this monster Vhjllam speaks of, the one called Lugihart?

For what reason am I here? What’s my destiny?

It was only from the sadness of these thoughts that gradually lured Mystic into a sorrowful, but refreshing sleep.

 

[Ryano Ra]

Hmmm...

Uh huh..

Yep. ^.^

As always, the bad part. ^^;; Well, the paragraph format needs work - a lot of work - because you have very big paragraphs which should be split up. The fifth paragraph or so could be around three or four paragraphs, if formatted correctly, so it'll be easier to read. When people read those kind of chunky paragraph, they run. ^^ And that isn't good. Same for the second and third paragraphs; chop them in half. It'll add length, which is definitely what the chapter was lacking at the time being. Word repitition was a bit high, for you repeated a few words over and over again. Try to use a thesaurus to find simple synonyms for the words, it'll present more of a variety.

Another thing was how fast the killing happened. Obviously, there's a slight chance that a Charizard wouldn't win against an Aerodactyl, but how so? Is it because of the Aerodactyl's blinding speed, or rage that it has been sleeping for oh-so-long? Aerodactyl just came by, swooped around, Charizard tried, and she's dead. That shouldn't be how it happened. If an Aerodactyl is going to kill something, and the Charizard is well-aware, she should be fighting her for life. That means useless she's challenged in the mind, every attack and assault that comes to mind should be used. Flamethrowers, Seismic Tosses, Fire Spins, Dragon Rages; which enough strength, she could have beaten the Aerodactyl. But, it goes the same for Aerodactyl, as well; if he's about to kill, he needs a plan. A GOOD plan. Whether it's using constant Wing Attacks or using Ancientpower to get her weak the fastest, they needs plans. The scene could have happened at a later time, but I'll let that slide. ^^ Just remember this when writing in the future.

Now, onto the good part...

Description was good, very good for a new writer, but that doesn't stop one from improving. You need to describe how the River of Tyta actually looks, more specifically and thoroughly, but it's interesting that you haven't yet for some strange reason. o.o Word choice was excellent, and poor little shiny Charmander...;_; Mean Aerodactyl is about to get Charmander! Make sure you take my advice in the future, for even as a weakling, Charmander must have some sort of plan to escape. Dragon (or part-dragon types) are intelligent. ^^ Remember that! Otherwise, it was a decent chapter.