• Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Eva-Porated

shadowlight

Fraught With Peril
Eva-Porated

This is my first. I hope it’s good

Chapter Zero: Prologue

“The egg is hatching sir,” said a man in a black shirt with a red R on it. Two men were in the room. Both wore the black shirts. The man that first talked had black hair and the man next to him had red hair and a beard the same color.

“Good,” replied the man with a beard “Tell the boss.” The first man left quickly.

The bearded man watched a monitor that showed a room made of thick glass. Inside the room there was a blue egg with red spots. The bearded man watched on as cracks slowly spread across the egg. Suddenly the egg exploded. Red and blue fragments smashed against the walls and ceiling.

In the place where the egg was, steam was steadily floating up. Soon a small blue creature with a fin on the top of its head and gills on its cheeks appeared. It also had a tail fin. The gills on its cheeks and its tail fin were both a deep red and it had green eyes. The bearded man entered the room through a door that was nearly invisible and stepped on pieces of the egg after turning off the moniters.

The small blue creature looked around the room. When it saw the bearded man it crawled over to him. As it came close the bearded man kicked the small blue creature hard in the stomach causing it to fly across the room and smash against the wall. It slowly got up but when it did it unleashed an Ember at the man.

The man dodged it and pulled out a gun and shot the small creature with a tranqualizer dart. The small creature struggled to stay up but it fell to the ground and slept. The man started to leave but kicked the small creature again and left.

Outside a man with brown hair in a black suit calmly asked the bearded man, ”Has the experiment worked Sni?”

Sni answered “The Mudkip used Ember Girammika.”

Girammika ordered Sni, “Turn on the monitors.” He did. Girammika looked at the Mudkip and then left the room

A Few Hours Later​

“ALERT! ALERT! WE HAVE A BREACH IN CONTAINMENT AREA ONE!” a loudspeaker bellowed.

In Containment Area One was the Mudkip. A blue light flashed and out of nowhere a small green Pokemon with wings appeared. It grabbed onto the Mudkip and a blue flash appeared again. Both them disappeared.

Somewhere else​

Mudkip stared at its surroundings. It was in a forest. The trees were so close together that they blocked out the sunlight so it was hard to see. Then it heard a voice in its head say, “Hello young Mudkip.” Mudkip, shocked to hear a voice in its head said aloud “Who are you?”

It again heard the voice in its head say, “I’m Celebi. I’m standing right in front of you."

Mudkip only just noticing the Pokemon in front of it, jumped back. It hit a tree and when it got up. it asked “Where am I?”

Celebi answered, “In a forest on Southern Island.”

Before Mudkip could ask any more questions Celebi told it, “I am bringing you to the country of Johto. I want you to know that not all people are bad like Team Rocket. I don’t want you using your fire powers in front of anyone unless absolutely necessary. They could try to steal you. Okay Mudkip?” “Okay," replied the confused Mudkip.

Celebi grabbed onto Mudkip and a blue flash occured. When the light faded both Pokemon were gone.

Back at Team Rocket headquarters​

"HOW COULD YOU LOSE THE EXPERIMENT. WE STILL NEEDED TO RUN MORE TESTS!" screamed Girammika.

"I'm sorry master but a Celebi came and took it," Sni said warily.

" It will take years to create another one like it. Then we need to run more tests on it to make sure it really is a part water/part fire Pokemon," Girammika said grimly.

"You must find out where it is and get it back here," Girammika finally told Sni after quietly pondering what to do.
__________________

Please review. ;258;
 
Last edited:

woot21

super noob
The description is a bit lacking, and it is a bit short, can't say anything about the spelling cause I'm awful with that. What did the Rocket members look like? I did find a grammer mistake though.
shadowlight said:
When the light fades both Pokemon is gone.
The bolded is should be are.

You really do need to work on both chapter length and the descirption of charecters. The story itself seems origanal and looks like it might be interesting.
shadowlight said:
“The egg is hatching sir” said a man in a black shirt with a red R on it. “Good” replied the man next to him “Tell the boss.” The first man leaves quickly.

The man that was left in the room watches crack spreading across a blue egg with red spots.
Also there was a change in tense here(bolded), and an a should between watches and crack.
 
Last edited:

shadowlight

Fraught With Peril
Thanks for the tips
I made the charactors more detailed and explained some things better
I even added a little bit at the end to lengthen it a bit
Is it better now
 
Last edited:

woot21

super noob
I just scanned over the edited chapter, and it is much better than before. You do have talent. I think this will be a fic I will read, and don't worry about small things, they will get better as you write. I could picture the scenes this time through.
 

shadowlight

Fraught With Peril
I'm glad you like
Thankyou woot21
 

Deathborn_606

Power of the mind
For a prologue you've got a good start, interseting how Mudkip and Celebi will interact in Johto.
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
I was copying over the mistakes that I saw in your chapter over to Word for easy reference, but then I noticed that I was copying over the entire fic. So for your viewing pleasure, I have bolded all the corrections you should have in your story.

shadowlight said:
Eva-Porated

This is my first. I hope it’s good

Chapter Zero: Prologue

“The egg is hatching sir,” said a man in a black shirt with a red R on it. Two men were in the room. Both wore the black shirts. The man that first talked had black hair and the man next to him had red hair and a beard the same color.

“Good,” replied the man with a beard “Tell the boss.” The first man left quickly.

The bearded man watched a monitor that showed a room made of thick glass. Inside the room there was a blue egg with red spots. The bearded man watched on as cracks slowly spread across the egg. Suddenly the egg exploded. Red and blue fragments smashed against the walls and ceiling.

In the place where the egg was, steam was steadily floating up. Soon a small blue creature with a fin on the top of its head and gills on its cheeks appeared. It also had a tail fin. The gills on its cheeks and its tail fin were both a deep red and it had green eyes. The bearded man entered the room through a door that was nearly invisible and stepped on pieces of the egg after turning off the moniters.

The small blue creature looked around the room. When it saw the bearded man it crawled over to him. As it came close the bearded man kicked the small blue creature hard in the stomach causing it to fly across the room and smash against the wall. It slowly got up but when it did it unleashed an Ember at the man.

The man dodged it and pulled out a gun and shot the small creature with a tranqualizer dart. The small creature struggled to stay up but it fell to the ground and slept. The man started to leave but kicked the small creature again and left.

Outside a man with brown hair in a black suit calmly asked the bearded man, "Has the experiment worked Sni?”

Sni answered “The Mudkip used Ember Giovanni.”

Giovanni ordered Sni, “Turn on the monitors.” He did. Giovanni looked at the Mudkip and then left the room

A Few Hours Later​

“ALERT! ALERT! WE HAVE A BREACH IN CONTAINMENT AREA ONE!” a loudspeaker bellowed.

In Containment Area One was the Mudkip. A blue light flashes and out of nowhere a small green Pokemon with wings appeared. It grabbed onto the Mudkip and a blue flash appeared again. Both them disappeared.

Somewhere else​

Mudkip stared at its surroundings. It was in a forest. The trees were so close together that they blocked out the sunlight so it was hard to see. Then it heard a voice in its head say, “Hello young Mudkip.” Mudkip, shocked to hear a voice in its head, said aloud, “Who are you?”

It again heard the voice in its head say, “I’m Celebi. I’m standing right in front of you."

Mudkip, only just noticing the Pokemon in front of it, jumped back. It hit a tree and when it got up, it asked, “Where am I?”

Celebi answered, “In a forest on Southern Island.”

Before Mudkip could ask any more questions Celebi told it, “I am bringing you to the country of Johto. I want you to know that not all people are bad like Team Rocket. I don't want you using your fire powers in front of anyone unless absolutely necessary. They could try to steal you. Okay Mudkip?”

“Okay," replied the confused Mudkip.

Celebi grabbed onto Mudkip and a blue flash occured. When the light faded both Pokemon were gone.

Back at Team Rocket headquarters

"HOW COULD YOU LOSE THE EXPERIMENT? WE STILL NEEDED TO RUN MORE TESTS!" screamed Giovanni.

"I'm sorry master but a Celebi came and took it," Sni said warily. "It will take years to create another one like it. Then we need to run more tests on it to make sure it really is a part water/part fire Pokemon."

Giovanni said sadly, "You must find out where it is and get it back here," Giovanni finally told Sni after quietly pondering what to do.
__________________

Please review. ;258;

Really, the main problems were tenses and paragraphing.

You need to start a new paragraph whenever someone new talks! It makes the story easier to follow because readers won't have to guess who's talking!

You switched from present to past tense often in this. I suggest that you pick one tense and stick with it.

Also, pick a gender for the Mudkip. You began with "it" then went with "he". I went with "it" while doing this, as that is what you originally chose.

Please have punctuation in your dialogue. I put in the correct punctuation in that. *points up*

And Giovammi? Giovanni's evil twin?

The last paragraph is confusing. You have two sentences saying that it was Gio talking. Pick one. Also, I don't think Gio would ever say anything "sadly". Evilly? Yes.

I'm going to comment on plot later, once I see more.
 

shadowlight

Fraught With Peril
Thanks Hanako Tabris

Saying Giovammi is Giovanni's evil twin would be inplying that Giovanni is good.

His name is Giovammi not Giovanni

Giovammi is the nephew Giovanni adopted when his sister died
 

Plum

Beginning Trainer
The Giovanni/Giovammi thing was confusing, because I thought you spelled it wrong... guess not. Nice job with the story.
 

shadowlight

Fraught With Peril
I was trying to make it really close to Giovanni but maybe it was too similar. I'm happy you liked it plum
 

shadowlight

Fraught With Peril
Act said:
Giovanni is 'Jonathan' in Italian... 'giovammi' is a nonsense word -.-'' You couldn't just name him Guiseppe or something?
I wasn't going for italian i was going for similarity
If i picked Guiseppe would people think
he held a relationship with Giovanni as a relative or something or just another boss
of team rocket.
 
Last edited:

Astinus

Well-Known Member
If you picked any other name, I, adn multiple people, wouldn't have thought that you misspelled Giovanni. Similarity is not always a good thing.

Also, couldn't you just say in the narration that what's-his-name is a relative of Giovanni? -_-;
 

shadowlight

Fraught With Peril
His name is now GIRAMMIKA
Not Giovammi anymore
consider Giovammi non-existent
GIRAMMIKA is just a name it has NO meaning what so ever
 
Top