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Everything in a Tear

S

Shiny Umbreon

Guest
Truly, I don't know what inspired me to write this. Hope you enjoy it anyway.
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A boat rocked while the wind and water pulled at it. An Umbreon, Ninetales, and two human were piled into it. A girl's head rested on a boy's shoulder, the boy deep in thought.

Scars started in one place on the Umbreon's body, then seemed to spread. His blood red eyes were open, and his paw was resting on the edge of the boat. One of his ears, the left one, had a chunk torn off, by a group of Persian who had cornered him when he was an Eevee. His rings were also a blood red, and he yawned, revealing highly pointed teeth.

The Ninetales was resting in a corner of the boat, though she really couldn't be called a Ninetales. More like Eighttales. Where her ninth tail was supposed to be, if one looked closely enough, they could see a stump. Her fur was a shocking yellow, unlike the normal cream color. Claws were spread, and extremely sharp and pointy, though not unexpected when she couldn't get to anything to clip them.

The boy's hair was surprisingly long; it reached his shoulders, was extremely messy, and a pale brown. His red t-shirt was ripped and torn, and his blue jeans seemed to have undergone the same treatment. His eyes were a leaf green, and seemed to twinkle with the sun beating down on them. The only thing that could possibly have any value that he owned, besides his Umbreon, was a small bracelet, made of gold.

White seemed to shock the eyes if you looked at the girl. Her hair was white, and almost touched her waist. The dress she was wearing was also white, although it had seemed to have the same treatment as the boy's pants and shirt. Eyes open for a second, one might have caught that they were a milky white. A necklace rested, and her neck sagged, as the weight was too much to handle. It was made of silver, and had a pearly appearance. At the bottom, as a charm, a sapphire rested.

The boat finally landing on a small island, the boy and girl stepped out, their bare feet touching the hot sand. A cave rested nearby, while the boy had his eyes fixed on the ocean that the sun glared down on. The ocean. Where it all started.

The girl had left to find food, which she could do with the help of her Ninetales, which he always did like to call Eighttales. Since they had left, the boy and his Umbreon settled down on the sand, both thinking.

A ship was sinking, the people inside panicing, most wishing they had brought a water Pokemon along, and, those that had, escaping. The deck was full now, and a little boy was being pulled away from his parents, the same thing happening to a girl in the cabin next to that one.

Both were screaming, wanting to be reunited with the ones they had loved. "Mommy, Daddy, help!" "Don't leave me, please!" "Let me go!"

Both had broken free at the same moment, wiggling from their captor's arms. They hurried out the door, running like the river. They were caught by two more men, and thrown into a lifeboat, lifejackets following. The ship nearly underwater now, only two were thrown into the lifeboat after them before it went totally under. A Vulpix and an Eevee.

They drifted, occasionally landing on islands. The shock was overwhelming at first, but the truth began to sink in, though they wouldn't accept it. Their parents were dead. The ones they had loved were dead.


A tear had been forming in the boy's eye. The girl returned, with an armload of fruit that her Ninetakes had found and told her about. She called over to him, and he came, but not before the tear had fallen, leaving one glistening spot on the sand.
 
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katiekitten

The Compromise
Pretty good, Shiny Umbreon. A sad little one shot this is, very sad. There are a few mistakes and other things, that I shall list below. Next time, maybe run it through a word processer before posting or take another read through. Just a thought. :)

A boat rocked while the wind and water pushed, tugged, and pulled at it.

This sentence doesn't sound right, which isn't so good for a sentence that is supposed to draw you into the story. Maybe edit it a bit, don't use to many tugging words. One would do. :)

her fur, was a shocking yellow, unlike the normal cream color.

You don't need the comma there. :)

Claws were spread, and extremely sharp and pointy,

Sharp and pointy... I don't know why that amused me, but it did.

The dress she was wearing was also whitem although it had seemed...

Rebelling "m" there. :)

happening to a girl in the cabin next ot that one.

I think you mean to. :)

The ship nearly underwater now, onlt two

Typo, "y" instead of "t". :)

Another thing, maybe put a little more descrition in and make it flow a little better?Perhaps you should describe the sea. Personally, I thought it was night time until you said sun. I think the opening sentence gave the appearence of rough seas, associated with storms, which darkens the sky. Or it could just be me. :) But descrition can set an atmosphere, create suspence and really fill out a story. Just an idea.

That's about it! Good luck! :)
 
S

Shiny Umbreon

Guest
Thanks. All the mistakes are now fixed. And I do wonder why Sharp and pointy amused you.
 
D

DarkGirl

Guest
I think this is good. A little more description could be added, like describing the sea and the time of day. The girl sounded like she may turn into a Mary-Sue if you kept writing. I think this is a little short, but it would be an excellent prologue to a chaptered fic. Keep writing.
 
S

Shiny Umbreon

Guest
Actually, I was thinking of starting a series from this. Although I still need to edit this a little. And, the fact that she's blind, not to mention way too kind, are a few of her flaws. And the fact that she's blind could greatly great in the way of Pokemon battles.
 
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