The last of the four Exquisite Corpses! Apologies for the delay. This one was a Pokémon Point of View fic, so all protagonists can't be human.
The order is evident from the spreadsheet, but nonetheless, I wager many don't remember, so I've put the names of the authors for each part in a spoiler tag. Then you can see who wrote each part, including who made food references! You writers were a hungry bunch, I swear.
The Ratatta was just going about her day.
She crawled in the basement it called home, nibbling on scraps. She was satisfied for the longest.
But something started to nag at her eventually. Just what were these humans like that kept venturing down here and leaving her glorious, glorious food like?
Eventually, she decided to find out.
As one human ascended the stairway after bringing a box of glorious, glorious food down, she crept past him. The light blinded her eyes, but she somehow got to a dark corner under a piece of furniture unnoticed. Eventually, she started looking around.
There were all sorts of strange objects to be beheld, scraps of food to devour. She def\tly kept out of sight of the humans - yes, they were strange, fascinating, but she knew they were also dangerous, and so were the Pokemon they kept with them. She observed a Corviknight in particular among them - she knew such a creature can and would swallow her whole.
She bade her time, however, and it grew dark. The humans retreated to their dens, and so did their dangerous companion Pokemon. Now she could feast.
She tore into bags, jars, anything she could rip open with her fangs and claws. The food was delicious. The humans brought such great gifts, better than in the basement; if only they were receptive, if only it wasn't too dangerous to just thank the-
Suddenly, a noise. She retreated to a corner to watch cautiously.
A human was staggering downstairs; they seemed to be walking in their sleep. What the Rattata noticed, however, is that the human seemed to be glowing.
At first, she was scared. But then the glow became enticing, attractive. And the human was just standing there. Surely she could afford to be... curious.
She crept closer. The human stood still. She was almost on it. She reached out a paw.
But when the Rattata touched the glowing human something strange happened.
The purple ‘mon hissed and skittered back as the human twisted and turned, the mysterious glow masking any emotions the human could be going through. Its shape trembled for a moment... and completely collapsed.
The rattata squeaked shrilly. Abandoning its hostile stance, the Pokémon turned tail and ran away into the grass, disappearing amongst the tall blades. The glow around the “human” finally faded, and... it was a ditto!
The ditto stared at the spot that the rattata used to occupy with mute disappointment. He was so close too; if he could’ve just held his form for a few more minutes, he would’ve caught that ‘mon and shown everyone else what for. ‘Aw man, Lilly’s really gonna give me an earful now...’
“Hey, Dit? You there?”
Ditto glanced up, and saw the lanky form of his trainer strolling up to him, hands tucked in her pockets. “Ditty, there you are! What happened to you, man? I spent all this time looking around for you, and you don’t make a peep!” Midnight scolded, although her tone was anything but serious. It never was serious, or at least, Ditto’s never heard it like that before.
Ditto just stared up at his trainer, pulling off the best lillipup eyes possible.
“... ooooh. Oh!” Her eyes lighting up with realisation, Midnight scooped up Ditto’s gelatinous form and patted his squishy head as best she could. “D’aw, you tried to copy me again, didn’t you?”
Ditto didn’t answer. He just deflated further into her arms, beady eyes squinted in embarrassment.
“Hey, don’t gimme that sulk. Everyone fails once in a while!” As Midnight gave her “inspirational” pep talk, she began trotting merrily back in the direction of Azalea Town, arms still keeping him contained. “Sometimes ya get your nerves shot to the sky and lose it, sometimes ya get way too excited, it happens! You just need the grip, the hold on your own body, and then—!”
Ditto tuned out at that moment. As well meaning as his trainer was, she didn’t get it. She had it easy with her abilities, at least she had her own folks to teach her. Ditto didn’t exactly have that luxury when he was younger.
‘It must be nice to transform with such ease,’ Ditto thought sullenly.
Ditto pondered on what to do to improve its transformation skills. Perhaps it could have tried taking pup steps and turning into something very simple. Something that would require minimal effort, time and energy. After that, it could try more and more complex transformations. But into what could it try to transform first?
'Hmm... good question. Into what to transform?'
Ditto looked around the area, seeing a Voltorb rolling by while minding its own business.
'Oh! A Voltorb could be a good idea! It's very round and has only two colors! The perfect candidate!'
Ditto slithered after Voltorb, taking notes of the molecular structure of the rolling Pokémon in front of it, before concentrating into turning its own body into a ball. It could feel its skin stretching and tightening, working hard into molding its gelatinous shapeless mass into a gelatinous round mass, as well as creating the natural pigments to change its pink shade into white and red halves. It morphed, and morphed, and morphed... but the final result was a deformed ball full of irregularities and waves, almost completely unable to roll around, while its solid pink was replaced by a series of red and white splotches.
"Urgh! No! It can't be!" Ditto cried out, looking at its imperfect transformation. "How come I can't transform easily? Why?"
Ditto sighed, letting its body turn back into its original shape, and looked down dejectedly.
"That's so unfair! Why can't I transform with more ease? Why?"
"...Because your powers seem to be jammed somehow, and as such you aren't able to complete your transformations."
Ditto tensed up at hearing that sudden voice, before looking around. "W-Who said that?"
"That had to be..." said the voice, right before a nearby tree was overtaken by a strange visual distortion, that melted away like water. In its place, a Sobble materialized in a shower of drops, having disabled his invisible abilities. "Me!"
"A... Sobble?" Ditto said, looking at Sobble in surprise.
"Yes! Nice to meet you, Ditto!" Sobble said, crawling toward Ditto while beaming a small smile.
"Well, um, nice to meet you, too," Ditto said tentatively, before slithering in front of Sobble. "But what were you saying about my powers being jammed?" Ditto frowned. "Do you know a solution to that?"
The little water lizard grinned nervously. “Ha ha, I was just making a pun!” he corrected himself, rubbing the back of his head.
“...what?”
“It's a wordplay! 'Jam', that is. And you look like jam to me, and you're a Ditto who can't Transform for whatever reason.”
As it sunk in, Ditto scowled and turned a deeper shade of pink. “That... that's not funny!”
Sobble put his hands up before him to wave them about. “I guess you're right! But uh... sorry to hear your Transform isn't working.”
Emotionally depleted, the little blob seemingly started to melt into goo before the Galarian native's eyes. “What good am I if I can't do my only objective in this world?”
“Gee, don't get so hard on yourself,” Sobble tried coaxing it, but he was at a loss for words. Rolling his eyes around a bit in thought, he reached out to scoop some of the Ditto up off the ground. “But although I don't know what to do about it, I know someone who might.”
Sniffling, the Transform Pokémon blinked away its tears. “Really?”
“Well, I think she can,” Sobble then backtracked, hand at his chin. “I dunno, but you seem to be a lucky one either way. She just so happens to be in the area, and if she's who she claims herself to be, I think she's your best shot.”
“Well take me to her, then!” Ditto insisted, jiggling to an upright position and began slithering off. “Where to?”
Hopping in place, his fin waving to-and-fro, he chirped, “Follow me! Just down this way!”
There was hope after all, and Ditto could hear it manifest itself as music in its head—almost literally as the closer they got to the little Pokémon village, music could be heard drifting in the air. It sounded more like a celebration than anything, which started to unnerve the Transform Pokémon just a bit. Sobble didn't mention anything about them throwing a festival or whatever.
“Hey, uh... wouldn't this attract attention from humans or whatnot?” Ditto blurted out.
The reptile shrugged mid-hop. “It's been like this for three days, now. If you ask me, no one wants her to leave any time soon.”
“Why? Who is this Pokémon, anyway?”
Sobble's gaze seemed to lose focus as a dopey grin spread on his chubby face. “A goddess!”
Ditto decided not to ask further, though as they entered the area, he could see a throng gathered at a makeshift dais beneath a yew tree. Pokémon were chattering, dancing, making music, all forms of entertainment in one place. The only one who didn't seem to be engaging in the festivities was the figure of attention, a petite pink feline whose long tail swayed in time to the music, but was otherwise seated to overlook the crowd.
“We should be able to get up to her,” Sobble said, apparently having returned to the present. “She's usually more active than that, though.”
Ditto's mouth scrunched to the side. “That's a goddess?” it questioned. “Who is that, anyway?”
“You don't know about Mew? There's so many praiseworthy legends and songs about her!”
“I lived in a cave most of my life. Most of our stories involved Zubats.”
Sobble stared almost incredulously, then shrugged it off. “Well, once you meet her, I think you'll start to change your tune.”
They swerved uninterrupted through the crowd to get to the podium, and upon closer inspection, Ditto noticed this Mew looked lost in thought, chin perched in a paw and eyes glazed over. Something about her was off, it had to admit, unless all goddesses looked like living statues. She didn't even notice their presence until the aquatic lizard gently blew some bubbles to get her attention.
After she blinked a couple of times and a smile graced her face, that was when Ditto realized she was a unique spirit, like she was the source of light itself. The ray of hope it was looking for set her sky-blue eyes on them, and she shifted to the other end of her seat to face them. “Well, hello there!” she greeted, a giggle in her voice. “I take it you're not a native to this village.”
It took the little blob a moment to realize she wasn't referring to Sobble, who spoke up for it. “Lady Mew, this poor, poor Ditto here is in need of your wisdom and guidance!”
Ditto frowned at his tone of voice. “I'm not poor.”
Mew slid off her seat to be closer to eye-level with them, scanning her new visitor up and down. “You poor thing,” she sighed, like that of a spring breeze. “You look a little blue.”
“It's about as pink as you, ma'am,” Sobble amended, although he was cracking a grin.
Trying to ignore the joke, Ditto gave a respectful curtsy before explaining, “I'm afraid my Transform has been jammed. I'm at a loss of what to do.”
“Oh, my, you really are in a jam,” she said, then chuckled. “Although it's more like you're in a pickle.”
“Why am I being the subject of food puns? This is serious!” it cried out.
“I'm trying to lighten the mood. A sad Ditto is too runny to work with.” The pair found themselves laughing again.
Ditto was beginning to doubt Sobble's claims of Mew being this wonderful goddess, and if she was the source of the puns he had been spouting off. “Well, can you help me Transform again?” it requested of her over her giggles.
“Well no, silly!” Sobble managed to get out between giggle fits. “I don’t have the power to do that! That’s why you need to go see the wonderful goddess Mew!”
Ditto sighed. It knew it wouldn’t be this easy to regain its abilities.
“So, where would this Mew be?”
“Oh, right over there!”
Sobble pointed to the left of her. Ditto turned its head to where she was pointing at. There was an ominous looking mountain, with dark storm clouds gathered at the peak. Lightning and thunder appropriately struck the mountain’s side at that precise moment.
“I like to call it, Mt. Doomy Doom!” explained Sobble. “But it’s actually just called Mt. Slownpainful, or The Spot Arceus Forgot.”
“W-what?!” shrieked the terrified blob.
“Don’t worry! I’ll get you up there in a jiffy! I know Teleport!”
“No you d-”
And in the blink of an eye, Sobble had teleported both her and Ditto to the top of the mountain. It turned out that there was a snowstorm going on on top of that mountain at the time, obscured by distance and clouds to outsiders. Ditto was immediately freezing.
“Hey look! I’m a Snover, and I don’t even know her!” shouted Sobble, giddy at the high winds and huge snowflakes dashing to the ground; also, because Ditto wouldn’t be able to hear her over the storm otherwise.
“H-how…”
“Hey look again! There’s the temple!”
“What tem-”
And then Sobble teleported the both of them to the front steps of the temple.
“Hey, good luck in there, buddy! Be sure to tell everyone that I’m not just a figment of your imagination!”
And then Sobble was gone, leaving Ditto to wonder if she was exactly that. One thing that wasn’t an illusion: Ditto was still unable to Transform. Freezing its gelatinous posterior off, Ditto made its way into the temple. Torches lit the walls inside by themselves. This did nothing to ease Ditto’s nervousness. Ditto shuffled deep into the caverns, but couldn’t find this Mew anywhere.
“Hi!”
Ditto nearly KOed from fright right then and there. The voice had come directly from behind it. Ditto turned around and saw a strange-looking Pokémon just floating there.
“Bonjour, hola, guten tag, namaste, kon'nichiwa!” continued the Pokémon.
“A-are you Mew?”
“Sugar, I can be whoever I want to be,” answered the strange Pokémon.
Ditto didn’t know how to process this. Ditto didn’t know anything anymore. Ditto just wanted to lie down.
“Welcome home, Master-san!” continued the bizarre Pokémon, in a completely different tone of voice and demeanor. “However can I be of service to you, senpai?”
“I…I…”
Ditto’s brain had shutdown long ago, turning to as much mush as what constitutes its body. Finally, it managed to speak up.
“I can’t Transform anymore! I was told that you could help me get back my ability to Transform. Please, it’s the only thing I know how to do!”
“No,” Mew said, sounding like a three year old.
“W-what?” Ditto said, devastated by the news.
“I, like, totally got something even better in mind!” Mew continued. “Like, get this! What if, instead of, like, totally getting you your groove back, I taught you something even better!”
“Even better?” questioned Ditto, not understanding.
“Aye, ye wee little lass…or lad. I was thinkin’ that it’s time for yew to learn…Imposter!”
“Imposter? I’ve never heard of that attack before!”
“It would be preposterous if you had,” offered Mew, sounding much like a stern schoolteacher now. “For this phenomenon, which occurs only in a select few Ditto specimens, is not an ‘attack’ as you would so call it, but alternatively is rather what your kind would call an ‘ability.’ Due to its recluse nature, one would deem it necessity to refer to such an ability as a ‘hidden ability.’”
“But how is Imposter better than Transform?” pleaded Ditto.
“Rhat’s reasy, Ritto!” replied Mew. “Rimposter rets rou Ransform rinto rhe ropponent ras roon ras rou renter rhe rattle!”
It took awhile for Ditto to translate this.
“I can instantly transform without needing to use Transform?”
“Whoaaaaa, like, now you’re totally getting it. Gnarly, dude,” confirmed Mew.
Ditto was skeptical, but hopeful. It may not be able to relearn how to Transform, but Mew was offering a way to somehow bypass it altogether with a secret talent that more or less allows it to Transform anyway. Ditto was about to ask how to go about learning Imposter, but Mew used her psychic powers to make Ditto say something completely different, for the lolz.
“But how does one go about creating the ultimate potato chip?” asked a very confused Ditto to the Cheshire-grinning Mew.
“Welllllllll…” Mew moved in a large, slow circle while dragging out the word, as if stuck to an unseen sweep hand. “…Ya don’t. Takes too long. What we’re gonna do instead is go bother Jirachi for the chips. All I’ll have to do is say the word, and then BAM! We’ll be up to our eyeballs in the most heavenly fried potatoes ever to exist. Sound good?”
Ditto did a little bouncy-dance with glee. “Yes, very good! And very tasty.” The bouncing died down as uncertainty crept back in. “…But where might we find Jirachi?”
“Lemme think for a moment.” Mew took on an exaggerated expression of deep thought, brow creased and tiny paws clasped. “Uh… pbbbt. Shoot. Okay, so we might’ve just run into a tiny li’l snag.”
“Snag?”
“Yeah. I just remembered: Jirachi’s… kind of not awake right now. And won’t be for like another thousand years or so.”
At that news, Ditto nearly melted into the ground in disappointment—but then remembered something. “Wait. You’ve seen Jirachi before, right?”
“Yep!”
“And you can transform, right?”
Mew shimmered briefly, then became a mirror image of Ditto. “Yep!”
“So perhaps you could turn into Jirachi and… do whatever Jirachi would do to bring about those chips,” Ditto suggested.
Mew winced and reversed the transformation. “Mmmm… see, now I’d like to do that, but here’s the thing: granting wishes? Kiiiind of a more complicated process than most powers. Last time I tried to copy that, the wishes I granted ended up being fulfilled in twisted, overly-literal ways.” A look of fond remembrance briefly appeared on Mew’s face. “Which was hilarious, but like. I want some of these chips too, y’know?”
Ditto sighed. “It seems we’ve come to a dead end, then.”
“Nah,” Mew said. “We just gotta give it some more thought, that’s all… OH HEY!”
That got a jolt out of Ditto, who had expected at least a little more thought to be given than that. “What? Did you think of something good?”
“Heck yeah, I did,” Mew said proudly. “Okay, step one: I want you to imagine the single most perfect, most delectable potato chip you could ever possibly taste. Envision it in your mind. In your mouth. Can you imagine it?”
“Oh yes,” Ditto said, trying not to let any drool escape.
“Cool!” Mew gave a single, approving clap. “Okay, now for step two: become the chip.”
The potato chip fantasy dissolved in an instant. “Er…” Somehow Ditto wasn’t so sure about the direction this endeavor had taken.
“C’mon, Ditto,” Mew said, eyes alight with zeal, “just turn into a beautiful, golden, mouthwatering potato chip!”
My body quivered with nervousness. “...and then you’ll return me back to the place you just abducted me from, right?” I asked.
Mew’s smile began to waver. “Of course I’ll eventually take you back there!”
“Er, exactly how long’s ‘eventually’? I’m not a wild Pokemon, you know, free to spend endless hours dithering and dallying about! Everything’s very different when you have a trainer, there’s contest schedules to keep up with, gym appointments that have to be met-”
“Don’t worry, it’s not for that long!” Mew cut in. I noticed she had started to repeatedly glance towards a doorway at the far end of the hall. “And the faster you turn into that chip, the faster you can get out of here, okay?”
“Well, okay, but, just so you know, I’m not really that practiced at transforming into inanimate objects, and actually, wait, don’t you know transform? Is there a reason you can’t be doing this?”
“Yes, there’s a reason, and no, I don’t have time to explain it! Just make with the starchy goodness already!” Mew snapped.
I wobbled with uncertainty. This whole scenario seemed very fishy, but what choice did I have? Closing my eyes, I pulled my whole body together, willing myself to become more compact. My form condensed into a small, dense sphere, than it stretched out into an elongated wedge shape. Lastly, I changed the color and texture of my body into something resembling the rich golden brown of the chips I remembered seeing my trainer eat so many times. Although I didn’t have eyes to see the results of my work, I could feel my current shape with enough detail to confidently pronounce, that, inexperience with inanimate shapes or not, I had done a solid job of-
“What are you doing?” Mew hissed. “I said a potato chip! Not a Kalosian fry!”
Seriously? I groaned internally, then grew a small face on the side of my body to speak and see with. “What do you mean, ‘Kalosian Fry’? I turned into a perfectly normal chip! Sans the eyes and mouth, now, of course, but I’ve seen my fair share of fish and chip shops, and I dare say-”
“Crap, you’re from Galar, aren’t you?” Mew said, clutching her forehead. “Look, just turn into one of those things sitting in that big bowl right next to you!”
“What, you mean a crisp? Why didn’t you just say so in the first place, then?”
“Because I found you in Sinnoh, okay! People call them chips there! Pretty much everyone calls them chips!” Mew was waving her arms and tail frantically now. “Just hurry and-”
I felt sudden, heavy vibrations pass through my body, and, on instinct, absorbed the mouth I’d grown back into my body.
“Oh, hello Arceus!” I heard Mew say, her voice suddenly cheery and chipper again.
“GREETINGS, MEW. HOW ARE YOU FAIRING IN YOUR TASK?” A rich voice boomed.
“Great! Just splendid! Everything’s going perfectly!”
“I SEE. YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THE CELESTIAL POTATO CHIPS HAVE BEEN STOLEN OR CONSUMED?”
“Yep, definitely! They’re all still here!”
“MAYBE YOU HAD BETTER COUNT THEM TO BE SURE.”
“Uh, well, if you insist...” I heard a ruffling sound, presumably that of dozens of crisps in the bowl beside me being telekinetically lifted into the air.
“Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineteneleventwelvethirteenfourteenfifteensixteenseventeeneighteennineteentwentytwentyonetwentytwotwentythreetwentyfourtwentyfivetwentysixtwentyseventwentyeighttwentyninethirtythirtyonethirtytwothirtythreethirtyhfourthirtyfivethirtysixthirtyseventhirtyeightthirtyninefortyfortyonefortytwo!” Mew rattled off at a machine gun rate. “Yep, all there!”
“VERY WELL, THEN. I’LL CHECK THAT THE DIVINE BEAN DIP IS STILL… WAIT. WHAT’S THAT KALOSIAN FRY DOING THERE?”
I tried my hardest to hold absolutely still.
“Oh, that? That’s just something Hoopa dropped when he came by earlier with a bunch of fast food!”
“WAS IT REALLY WISE OF YOU TO LET HIM COME THAT CLOSE TO THE BOWL?”
“Aha, well, he didn’t really get close to it, really. He was levitating pretty high over me, and the fry just sort of fell down onto the table.”
“...IF YOU SAY SO. I’LL SUPPOSE I’LL DISPOSE OF IT IN THE INCINERATOR ON MY WAY TO THE BEAN DIP, THEN.”
Okay, I think I’d had about enough of this. Time to detransform and face the consequences. But before I could do so, I felt Mew’s paw clamping down on top of me.
“W-wait! What if Hoopa wants his fry back later?” Mew pleaded, desperate.
“WHY WOULD HE BE SO CONCERNED ABOUT THAT SPECIFIC FRY?” Arceus asked, a note of suspicion finally creeping into Their voice.
“You, uh, know how wild and unpredictable that Hoopa can get, ha ha! Who knows what he might want or not want later on? Better to hold on to this just in case, right?”
“MEW, THAT FRY IS A PIECE OF GREASY GARBAGE THAT HAS NO BUSINESS BEING ANYWHERE CLOSE TO THE CELESTIAL CHIPS. GIVE IT HERE, PLEASE.”
“…um, hey, I just realized! Since, you know, it’s really Hoopa’s fault that it’s here, shouldn’t he be the one to throw it away? I’ll just make sure to give it to him the next time he swings by here-”
“THE FRY, MEW. NOW.”
A harsh telepathic voice suddenly imposed itself into my mind. Okay, quick! Make a substitute as fast as you can!
Mew, I don’t know that move! I thought back as loud as I could.
Crap, crap, crap, that’s right! Okay, think, think- that’s it! I know substitute, so you can transform into me, then transform back into the potato chip, and then use substitute-
“I’M WAITING.” An impatient hoof-tapping could now be heard.
That won’t work. I couldn’t transform into you while still remaining at this size! Arceus would notice for sure!
Okay, right, right, just, uh, just use minimize first then!
Mew, I don’t know minimize either! I’m a Ditto! We know one move! One!
The psychic legendary’s grip on me tightened uncomfortably. Um, okay, then- no that wouldn’t work- Er, how about you-
“MEW… I’M GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, AND I WANT YOU TO ANSWER IT HONESTLY. DID YOU LOSE ONE OF THE CELESTIAL CHIPS AND TRY TO COVER IT UP WITH SOME SORT OF RIDICULOUS SCHEME THAT HAS SOMEHOW LED TO YOU DESPERATELY ATTEMPTING TO PREVENT ME FROM THROWING AWAY THAT KALOSIAN FRY?”
“...I swear to You that that specific statement you just made is not an accurate description of the situation.” Mew said carefully.
“I SEE. SO WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I, SAY, HAPPENED TO USE A MOVE THAT UNDID THE EFFECTS OF EVERY OTHER MOVE IN THE VICINITY?”
“You, uh, reallllllllly might not want to do that-”
“I THINK I WILL.” There was a strange crackling sound, and then a wave of weird, tingly energy rushed through me. I felt my body expand, forcing away Mew’s paw. My vision returned to me as I once more grew eyes, just in time to see the bowl of crisps beside me vibrate violently, than explode into a mass of pink goo, spraying crisps in all directions. Each and every one of the crisps transformed back into a ditto by the time it hit the floor.
“Hey, so uh, can we all go home now?” one of the Ditto asked.
“MEW… YOU’VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO,” Arceus said, surveying the forty-three (including me) Ditto scattered about the room.
“I’m so sorry, Arceus.” Mew explains, trying to reason with the Poké-God. “I didn't mean for this to happen. It just... well, you see...”
“Well, what?! Go on, Mew!” Arceus impatiently demanded. “I’m waiting!”
“I only intended to bring one Ditto here but... uh,” Mew looks around nervously, probably wondering what he can do to get himself out of this mess. I can see right through Mew. He never intended to bring even one Ditto here; I’m telling you. But what do I know? I’m not a mind reader. “But they all kept coming. I didn’t know how to stop them.”
Arceus glares at Mew. “That’s the best you can come up with? Seriously Mew?”
“I’ll make it right!” Mew is quick to exclaim. Darn right you will, Mew. I want to go home. I’ve had enough of this place. I still have no idea where I am or how I ended up here in the first place. I never even asked to be brought here. I do not want to be here. “I swear I will.”
“You better!” Arceus’s harsh glare has yet to waver. “Or there will be no treat for you tonight.”
I kind of stopped paying attention to them after that for a while. What is taking so long, can they just send all of us Ditto back to where we came from? This place is too depressing; I would much rather be at home, eating grass and playing chase with my friends, not having a care in the world. That is exactly what I was doing before I was, so rudely, ripped away from my home by Mew, so it seems. I still have no idea what he did but oh well; it is not like I can do a thing about it now.
Please just let me go back to where I was. Please? That is all I want.
Mew turns to all of us Ditto. “I’m gonna send you back to where you came from now, okay? Brace yourselves!”
We did not even get the chance to react before a bright light came out of nowhere, not that I was paying attention mind you, and blinded all of us. I had to turn away with my eyes closed, so I would not totally lose my vision. It’s not like I could shield my eyes since I have no hands.
When I opened my eyes, I found that I am still in the exact same place. But how? I am supposed to be back in Kanto? What is going on?
I could see a look of sheer surprise appear on Mew’s face. “Uh oh.” It is almost as if he is surprised by this. I should have figured it would not be that easy.
Will they be able to send us all back? They’re mythical Pokémon, so this should not be a problem for them. The power these Pokemon possess is on a whole other level. If anyone should be able to do it, it’d be Mew. That is why I never questioned it. But this is not what I was expecting. Why am I still here? Mew, what is wrong with you? Send me back already. Send us all back to where we came from. What is so hard about that?
Apparently, everything is amiss, and I can’t help but wonder if I will ever be able to go back home, where I belong.
—
I’m so done with this place. I never asked to be brought here. I don’t want to be here anymore.
Mew came to us and personally apologized for bringing us here and then said that he is confused about why he cannot send us back to where we came from. He also assured us that he would try his best to find a solution. He promised he would send all of us back home eventually and asked that we have faith in him.
If only it were that easy, Mew.
I have gotten used to this place. It truly was not so bad here. But there is still no place like home and that is the place I am missing more than anything right now.
“Hey,” I could hear a voice call out to me, and I turn to see one of my friends who also ended up here against their will. “Are you okay?”
I simply nod. What am I supposed to say? “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Come on,” he whines, sounding tired and agitated, “all of us can see you’re not fine, so tell me what is bothering you?”
No sense in keeping it to myself. He can see right through me. Heck, everyone else can probably see right through me too. We’re all the same species after all, so what did you expect?
“Mew told us he is working tirelessly to find a way to send us back so be patient.” He tells me, but it is not helping. It is not helping at all. “We’ll be home before you know it.”
I look around at all the other Ditto. They all seem to be having fun and enjoying themselves. How can they enjoy themselves? Will someone just tell me because I am so lost. I want to go back home.
I could not help but give him a forced smile. Might as well try to make the most out of this.
I cannot tell you how much time had passed before Mew called us back to the castle. He tells us he thinks he can finally send us back. That brings some relief for me. I cannot wait to get back to Kanto. I miss the grass there. The grass here is alright, but it just cannot measure up to the grass at home.
Mew apologizes one last time before a bright light appears, and we all close our eyes. Once the light faded away, we opened them again to find that where we are now is huge! It is a big open field with flowers and everything. All of the other Ditto that arrived with me ran around this place. It is extremely big after all, so I can’t even blame them.
But I stayed put and looked around this place. Something tells me I still haven’t made it back to Kanto. Dammit, Mew!
The order is evident from the spreadsheet, but nonetheless, I wager many don't remember, so I've put the names of the authors for each part in a spoiler tag. Then you can see who wrote each part, including who made food references! You writers were a hungry bunch, I swear.
The Serebii Exquisite Corpse
Pokémon Point of View Fic
Pokémon Point of View Fic
The Ratatta was just going about her day.
She crawled in the basement it called home, nibbling on scraps. She was satisfied for the longest.
But something started to nag at her eventually. Just what were these humans like that kept venturing down here and leaving her glorious, glorious food like?
Eventually, she decided to find out.
As one human ascended the stairway after bringing a box of glorious, glorious food down, she crept past him. The light blinded her eyes, but she somehow got to a dark corner under a piece of furniture unnoticed. Eventually, she started looking around.
There were all sorts of strange objects to be beheld, scraps of food to devour. She def\tly kept out of sight of the humans - yes, they were strange, fascinating, but she knew they were also dangerous, and so were the Pokemon they kept with them. She observed a Corviknight in particular among them - she knew such a creature can and would swallow her whole.
She bade her time, however, and it grew dark. The humans retreated to their dens, and so did their dangerous companion Pokemon. Now she could feast.
She tore into bags, jars, anything she could rip open with her fangs and claws. The food was delicious. The humans brought such great gifts, better than in the basement; if only they were receptive, if only it wasn't too dangerous to just thank the-
Suddenly, a noise. She retreated to a corner to watch cautiously.
A human was staggering downstairs; they seemed to be walking in their sleep. What the Rattata noticed, however, is that the human seemed to be glowing.
At first, she was scared. But then the glow became enticing, attractive. And the human was just standing there. Surely she could afford to be... curious.
She crept closer. The human stood still. She was almost on it. She reached out a paw.
But when the Rattata touched the glowing human something strange happened.
Umbramatic
The purple ‘mon hissed and skittered back as the human twisted and turned, the mysterious glow masking any emotions the human could be going through. Its shape trembled for a moment... and completely collapsed.
The rattata squeaked shrilly. Abandoning its hostile stance, the Pokémon turned tail and ran away into the grass, disappearing amongst the tall blades. The glow around the “human” finally faded, and... it was a ditto!
The ditto stared at the spot that the rattata used to occupy with mute disappointment. He was so close too; if he could’ve just held his form for a few more minutes, he would’ve caught that ‘mon and shown everyone else what for. ‘Aw man, Lilly’s really gonna give me an earful now...’
“Hey, Dit? You there?”
Ditto glanced up, and saw the lanky form of his trainer strolling up to him, hands tucked in her pockets. “Ditty, there you are! What happened to you, man? I spent all this time looking around for you, and you don’t make a peep!” Midnight scolded, although her tone was anything but serious. It never was serious, or at least, Ditto’s never heard it like that before.
Ditto just stared up at his trainer, pulling off the best lillipup eyes possible.
“... ooooh. Oh!” Her eyes lighting up with realisation, Midnight scooped up Ditto’s gelatinous form and patted his squishy head as best she could. “D’aw, you tried to copy me again, didn’t you?”
Ditto didn’t answer. He just deflated further into her arms, beady eyes squinted in embarrassment.
“Hey, don’t gimme that sulk. Everyone fails once in a while!” As Midnight gave her “inspirational” pep talk, she began trotting merrily back in the direction of Azalea Town, arms still keeping him contained. “Sometimes ya get your nerves shot to the sky and lose it, sometimes ya get way too excited, it happens! You just need the grip, the hold on your own body, and then—!”
Ditto tuned out at that moment. As well meaning as his trainer was, she didn’t get it. She had it easy with her abilities, at least she had her own folks to teach her. Ditto didn’t exactly have that luxury when he was younger.
‘It must be nice to transform with such ease,’ Ditto thought sullenly.
MidnightMorpher
Ditto pondered on what to do to improve its transformation skills. Perhaps it could have tried taking pup steps and turning into something very simple. Something that would require minimal effort, time and energy. After that, it could try more and more complex transformations. But into what could it try to transform first?
'Hmm... good question. Into what to transform?'
Ditto looked around the area, seeing a Voltorb rolling by while minding its own business.
'Oh! A Voltorb could be a good idea! It's very round and has only two colors! The perfect candidate!'
Ditto slithered after Voltorb, taking notes of the molecular structure of the rolling Pokémon in front of it, before concentrating into turning its own body into a ball. It could feel its skin stretching and tightening, working hard into molding its gelatinous shapeless mass into a gelatinous round mass, as well as creating the natural pigments to change its pink shade into white and red halves. It morphed, and morphed, and morphed... but the final result was a deformed ball full of irregularities and waves, almost completely unable to roll around, while its solid pink was replaced by a series of red and white splotches.
"Urgh! No! It can't be!" Ditto cried out, looking at its imperfect transformation. "How come I can't transform easily? Why?"
Ditto sighed, letting its body turn back into its original shape, and looked down dejectedly.
"That's so unfair! Why can't I transform with more ease? Why?"
"...Because your powers seem to be jammed somehow, and as such you aren't able to complete your transformations."
Ditto tensed up at hearing that sudden voice, before looking around. "W-Who said that?"
"That had to be..." said the voice, right before a nearby tree was overtaken by a strange visual distortion, that melted away like water. In its place, a Sobble materialized in a shower of drops, having disabled his invisible abilities. "Me!"
"A... Sobble?" Ditto said, looking at Sobble in surprise.
"Yes! Nice to meet you, Ditto!" Sobble said, crawling toward Ditto while beaming a small smile.
"Well, um, nice to meet you, too," Ditto said tentatively, before slithering in front of Sobble. "But what were you saying about my powers being jammed?" Ditto frowned. "Do you know a solution to that?"
Cresselia92
The little water lizard grinned nervously. “Ha ha, I was just making a pun!” he corrected himself, rubbing the back of his head.
“...what?”
“It's a wordplay! 'Jam', that is. And you look like jam to me, and you're a Ditto who can't Transform for whatever reason.”
As it sunk in, Ditto scowled and turned a deeper shade of pink. “That... that's not funny!”
Sobble put his hands up before him to wave them about. “I guess you're right! But uh... sorry to hear your Transform isn't working.”
Emotionally depleted, the little blob seemingly started to melt into goo before the Galarian native's eyes. “What good am I if I can't do my only objective in this world?”
“Gee, don't get so hard on yourself,” Sobble tried coaxing it, but he was at a loss for words. Rolling his eyes around a bit in thought, he reached out to scoop some of the Ditto up off the ground. “But although I don't know what to do about it, I know someone who might.”
Sniffling, the Transform Pokémon blinked away its tears. “Really?”
“Well, I think she can,” Sobble then backtracked, hand at his chin. “I dunno, but you seem to be a lucky one either way. She just so happens to be in the area, and if she's who she claims herself to be, I think she's your best shot.”
“Well take me to her, then!” Ditto insisted, jiggling to an upright position and began slithering off. “Where to?”
Hopping in place, his fin waving to-and-fro, he chirped, “Follow me! Just down this way!”
There was hope after all, and Ditto could hear it manifest itself as music in its head—almost literally as the closer they got to the little Pokémon village, music could be heard drifting in the air. It sounded more like a celebration than anything, which started to unnerve the Transform Pokémon just a bit. Sobble didn't mention anything about them throwing a festival or whatever.
“Hey, uh... wouldn't this attract attention from humans or whatnot?” Ditto blurted out.
The reptile shrugged mid-hop. “It's been like this for three days, now. If you ask me, no one wants her to leave any time soon.”
“Why? Who is this Pokémon, anyway?”
Sobble's gaze seemed to lose focus as a dopey grin spread on his chubby face. “A goddess!”
Ditto decided not to ask further, though as they entered the area, he could see a throng gathered at a makeshift dais beneath a yew tree. Pokémon were chattering, dancing, making music, all forms of entertainment in one place. The only one who didn't seem to be engaging in the festivities was the figure of attention, a petite pink feline whose long tail swayed in time to the music, but was otherwise seated to overlook the crowd.
“We should be able to get up to her,” Sobble said, apparently having returned to the present. “She's usually more active than that, though.”
Ditto's mouth scrunched to the side. “That's a goddess?” it questioned. “Who is that, anyway?”
“You don't know about Mew? There's so many praiseworthy legends and songs about her!”
“I lived in a cave most of my life. Most of our stories involved Zubats.”
Sobble stared almost incredulously, then shrugged it off. “Well, once you meet her, I think you'll start to change your tune.”
They swerved uninterrupted through the crowd to get to the podium, and upon closer inspection, Ditto noticed this Mew looked lost in thought, chin perched in a paw and eyes glazed over. Something about her was off, it had to admit, unless all goddesses looked like living statues. She didn't even notice their presence until the aquatic lizard gently blew some bubbles to get her attention.
After she blinked a couple of times and a smile graced her face, that was when Ditto realized she was a unique spirit, like she was the source of light itself. The ray of hope it was looking for set her sky-blue eyes on them, and she shifted to the other end of her seat to face them. “Well, hello there!” she greeted, a giggle in her voice. “I take it you're not a native to this village.”
It took the little blob a moment to realize she wasn't referring to Sobble, who spoke up for it. “Lady Mew, this poor, poor Ditto here is in need of your wisdom and guidance!”
Ditto frowned at his tone of voice. “I'm not poor.”
Mew slid off her seat to be closer to eye-level with them, scanning her new visitor up and down. “You poor thing,” she sighed, like that of a spring breeze. “You look a little blue.”
“It's about as pink as you, ma'am,” Sobble amended, although he was cracking a grin.
Trying to ignore the joke, Ditto gave a respectful curtsy before explaining, “I'm afraid my Transform has been jammed. I'm at a loss of what to do.”
“Oh, my, you really are in a jam,” she said, then chuckled. “Although it's more like you're in a pickle.”
“Why am I being the subject of food puns? This is serious!” it cried out.
“I'm trying to lighten the mood. A sad Ditto is too runny to work with.” The pair found themselves laughing again.
Ditto was beginning to doubt Sobble's claims of Mew being this wonderful goddess, and if she was the source of the puns he had been spouting off. “Well, can you help me Transform again?” it requested of her over her giggles.
Kutie Pie
“Well no, silly!” Sobble managed to get out between giggle fits. “I don’t have the power to do that! That’s why you need to go see the wonderful goddess Mew!”
Ditto sighed. It knew it wouldn’t be this easy to regain its abilities.
“So, where would this Mew be?”
“Oh, right over there!”
Sobble pointed to the left of her. Ditto turned its head to where she was pointing at. There was an ominous looking mountain, with dark storm clouds gathered at the peak. Lightning and thunder appropriately struck the mountain’s side at that precise moment.
“I like to call it, Mt. Doomy Doom!” explained Sobble. “But it’s actually just called Mt. Slownpainful, or The Spot Arceus Forgot.”
“W-what?!” shrieked the terrified blob.
“Don’t worry! I’ll get you up there in a jiffy! I know Teleport!”
“No you d-”
And in the blink of an eye, Sobble had teleported both her and Ditto to the top of the mountain. It turned out that there was a snowstorm going on on top of that mountain at the time, obscured by distance and clouds to outsiders. Ditto was immediately freezing.
“Hey look! I’m a Snover, and I don’t even know her!” shouted Sobble, giddy at the high winds and huge snowflakes dashing to the ground; also, because Ditto wouldn’t be able to hear her over the storm otherwise.
“H-how…”
“Hey look again! There’s the temple!”
“What tem-”
And then Sobble teleported the both of them to the front steps of the temple.
“Hey, good luck in there, buddy! Be sure to tell everyone that I’m not just a figment of your imagination!”
And then Sobble was gone, leaving Ditto to wonder if she was exactly that. One thing that wasn’t an illusion: Ditto was still unable to Transform. Freezing its gelatinous posterior off, Ditto made its way into the temple. Torches lit the walls inside by themselves. This did nothing to ease Ditto’s nervousness. Ditto shuffled deep into the caverns, but couldn’t find this Mew anywhere.
“Hi!”
Ditto nearly KOed from fright right then and there. The voice had come directly from behind it. Ditto turned around and saw a strange-looking Pokémon just floating there.
“Bonjour, hola, guten tag, namaste, kon'nichiwa!” continued the Pokémon.
“A-are you Mew?”
“Sugar, I can be whoever I want to be,” answered the strange Pokémon.
Ditto didn’t know how to process this. Ditto didn’t know anything anymore. Ditto just wanted to lie down.
“Welcome home, Master-san!” continued the bizarre Pokémon, in a completely different tone of voice and demeanor. “However can I be of service to you, senpai?”
“I…I…”
Ditto’s brain had shutdown long ago, turning to as much mush as what constitutes its body. Finally, it managed to speak up.
“I can’t Transform anymore! I was told that you could help me get back my ability to Transform. Please, it’s the only thing I know how to do!”
“No,” Mew said, sounding like a three year old.
“W-what?” Ditto said, devastated by the news.
“I, like, totally got something even better in mind!” Mew continued. “Like, get this! What if, instead of, like, totally getting you your groove back, I taught you something even better!”
“Even better?” questioned Ditto, not understanding.
“Aye, ye wee little lass…or lad. I was thinkin’ that it’s time for yew to learn…Imposter!”
“Imposter? I’ve never heard of that attack before!”
“It would be preposterous if you had,” offered Mew, sounding much like a stern schoolteacher now. “For this phenomenon, which occurs only in a select few Ditto specimens, is not an ‘attack’ as you would so call it, but alternatively is rather what your kind would call an ‘ability.’ Due to its recluse nature, one would deem it necessity to refer to such an ability as a ‘hidden ability.’”
“But how is Imposter better than Transform?” pleaded Ditto.
“Rhat’s reasy, Ritto!” replied Mew. “Rimposter rets rou Ransform rinto rhe ropponent ras roon ras rou renter rhe rattle!”
It took awhile for Ditto to translate this.
“I can instantly transform without needing to use Transform?”
“Whoaaaaa, like, now you’re totally getting it. Gnarly, dude,” confirmed Mew.
Ditto was skeptical, but hopeful. It may not be able to relearn how to Transform, but Mew was offering a way to somehow bypass it altogether with a secret talent that more or less allows it to Transform anyway. Ditto was about to ask how to go about learning Imposter, but Mew used her psychic powers to make Ditto say something completely different, for the lolz.
“But how does one go about creating the ultimate potato chip?” asked a very confused Ditto to the Cheshire-grinning Mew.
The Teller
“Welllllllll…” Mew moved in a large, slow circle while dragging out the word, as if stuck to an unseen sweep hand. “…Ya don’t. Takes too long. What we’re gonna do instead is go bother Jirachi for the chips. All I’ll have to do is say the word, and then BAM! We’ll be up to our eyeballs in the most heavenly fried potatoes ever to exist. Sound good?”
Ditto did a little bouncy-dance with glee. “Yes, very good! And very tasty.” The bouncing died down as uncertainty crept back in. “…But where might we find Jirachi?”
“Lemme think for a moment.” Mew took on an exaggerated expression of deep thought, brow creased and tiny paws clasped. “Uh… pbbbt. Shoot. Okay, so we might’ve just run into a tiny li’l snag.”
“Snag?”
“Yeah. I just remembered: Jirachi’s… kind of not awake right now. And won’t be for like another thousand years or so.”
At that news, Ditto nearly melted into the ground in disappointment—but then remembered something. “Wait. You’ve seen Jirachi before, right?”
“Yep!”
“And you can transform, right?”
Mew shimmered briefly, then became a mirror image of Ditto. “Yep!”
“So perhaps you could turn into Jirachi and… do whatever Jirachi would do to bring about those chips,” Ditto suggested.
Mew winced and reversed the transformation. “Mmmm… see, now I’d like to do that, but here’s the thing: granting wishes? Kiiiind of a more complicated process than most powers. Last time I tried to copy that, the wishes I granted ended up being fulfilled in twisted, overly-literal ways.” A look of fond remembrance briefly appeared on Mew’s face. “Which was hilarious, but like. I want some of these chips too, y’know?”
Ditto sighed. “It seems we’ve come to a dead end, then.”
“Nah,” Mew said. “We just gotta give it some more thought, that’s all… OH HEY!”
That got a jolt out of Ditto, who had expected at least a little more thought to be given than that. “What? Did you think of something good?”
“Heck yeah, I did,” Mew said proudly. “Okay, step one: I want you to imagine the single most perfect, most delectable potato chip you could ever possibly taste. Envision it in your mind. In your mouth. Can you imagine it?”
“Oh yes,” Ditto said, trying not to let any drool escape.
“Cool!” Mew gave a single, approving clap. “Okay, now for step two: become the chip.”
The potato chip fantasy dissolved in an instant. “Er…” Somehow Ditto wasn’t so sure about the direction this endeavor had taken.
“C’mon, Ditto,” Mew said, eyes alight with zeal, “just turn into a beautiful, golden, mouthwatering potato chip!”
Sike Saner
My body quivered with nervousness. “...and then you’ll return me back to the place you just abducted me from, right?” I asked.
Mew’s smile began to waver. “Of course I’ll eventually take you back there!”
“Er, exactly how long’s ‘eventually’? I’m not a wild Pokemon, you know, free to spend endless hours dithering and dallying about! Everything’s very different when you have a trainer, there’s contest schedules to keep up with, gym appointments that have to be met-”
“Don’t worry, it’s not for that long!” Mew cut in. I noticed she had started to repeatedly glance towards a doorway at the far end of the hall. “And the faster you turn into that chip, the faster you can get out of here, okay?”
“Well, okay, but, just so you know, I’m not really that practiced at transforming into inanimate objects, and actually, wait, don’t you know transform? Is there a reason you can’t be doing this?”
“Yes, there’s a reason, and no, I don’t have time to explain it! Just make with the starchy goodness already!” Mew snapped.
I wobbled with uncertainty. This whole scenario seemed very fishy, but what choice did I have? Closing my eyes, I pulled my whole body together, willing myself to become more compact. My form condensed into a small, dense sphere, than it stretched out into an elongated wedge shape. Lastly, I changed the color and texture of my body into something resembling the rich golden brown of the chips I remembered seeing my trainer eat so many times. Although I didn’t have eyes to see the results of my work, I could feel my current shape with enough detail to confidently pronounce, that, inexperience with inanimate shapes or not, I had done a solid job of-
“What are you doing?” Mew hissed. “I said a potato chip! Not a Kalosian fry!”
Seriously? I groaned internally, then grew a small face on the side of my body to speak and see with. “What do you mean, ‘Kalosian Fry’? I turned into a perfectly normal chip! Sans the eyes and mouth, now, of course, but I’ve seen my fair share of fish and chip shops, and I dare say-”
“Crap, you’re from Galar, aren’t you?” Mew said, clutching her forehead. “Look, just turn into one of those things sitting in that big bowl right next to you!”
“What, you mean a crisp? Why didn’t you just say so in the first place, then?”
“Because I found you in Sinnoh, okay! People call them chips there! Pretty much everyone calls them chips!” Mew was waving her arms and tail frantically now. “Just hurry and-”
I felt sudden, heavy vibrations pass through my body, and, on instinct, absorbed the mouth I’d grown back into my body.
“Oh, hello Arceus!” I heard Mew say, her voice suddenly cheery and chipper again.
“GREETINGS, MEW. HOW ARE YOU FAIRING IN YOUR TASK?” A rich voice boomed.
“Great! Just splendid! Everything’s going perfectly!”
“I SEE. YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THE CELESTIAL POTATO CHIPS HAVE BEEN STOLEN OR CONSUMED?”
“Yep, definitely! They’re all still here!”
“MAYBE YOU HAD BETTER COUNT THEM TO BE SURE.”
“Uh, well, if you insist...” I heard a ruffling sound, presumably that of dozens of crisps in the bowl beside me being telekinetically lifted into the air.
“Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineteneleventwelvethirteenfourteenfifteensixteenseventeeneighteennineteentwentytwentyonetwentytwotwentythreetwentyfourtwentyfivetwentysixtwentyseventwentyeighttwentyninethirtythirtyonethirtytwothirtythreethirtyhfourthirtyfivethirtysixthirtyseventhirtyeightthirtyninefortyfortyonefortytwo!” Mew rattled off at a machine gun rate. “Yep, all there!”
“VERY WELL, THEN. I’LL CHECK THAT THE DIVINE BEAN DIP IS STILL… WAIT. WHAT’S THAT KALOSIAN FRY DOING THERE?”
I tried my hardest to hold absolutely still.
“Oh, that? That’s just something Hoopa dropped when he came by earlier with a bunch of fast food!”
“WAS IT REALLY WISE OF YOU TO LET HIM COME THAT CLOSE TO THE BOWL?”
“Aha, well, he didn’t really get close to it, really. He was levitating pretty high over me, and the fry just sort of fell down onto the table.”
“...IF YOU SAY SO. I’LL SUPPOSE I’LL DISPOSE OF IT IN THE INCINERATOR ON MY WAY TO THE BEAN DIP, THEN.”
Okay, I think I’d had about enough of this. Time to detransform and face the consequences. But before I could do so, I felt Mew’s paw clamping down on top of me.
“W-wait! What if Hoopa wants his fry back later?” Mew pleaded, desperate.
“WHY WOULD HE BE SO CONCERNED ABOUT THAT SPECIFIC FRY?” Arceus asked, a note of suspicion finally creeping into Their voice.
“You, uh, know how wild and unpredictable that Hoopa can get, ha ha! Who knows what he might want or not want later on? Better to hold on to this just in case, right?”
“MEW, THAT FRY IS A PIECE OF GREASY GARBAGE THAT HAS NO BUSINESS BEING ANYWHERE CLOSE TO THE CELESTIAL CHIPS. GIVE IT HERE, PLEASE.”
“…um, hey, I just realized! Since, you know, it’s really Hoopa’s fault that it’s here, shouldn’t he be the one to throw it away? I’ll just make sure to give it to him the next time he swings by here-”
“THE FRY, MEW. NOW.”
A harsh telepathic voice suddenly imposed itself into my mind. Okay, quick! Make a substitute as fast as you can!
Mew, I don’t know that move! I thought back as loud as I could.
Crap, crap, crap, that’s right! Okay, think, think- that’s it! I know substitute, so you can transform into me, then transform back into the potato chip, and then use substitute-
“I’M WAITING.” An impatient hoof-tapping could now be heard.
That won’t work. I couldn’t transform into you while still remaining at this size! Arceus would notice for sure!
Okay, right, right, just, uh, just use minimize first then!
Mew, I don’t know minimize either! I’m a Ditto! We know one move! One!
The psychic legendary’s grip on me tightened uncomfortably. Um, okay, then- no that wouldn’t work- Er, how about you-
“MEW… I’M GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, AND I WANT YOU TO ANSWER IT HONESTLY. DID YOU LOSE ONE OF THE CELESTIAL CHIPS AND TRY TO COVER IT UP WITH SOME SORT OF RIDICULOUS SCHEME THAT HAS SOMEHOW LED TO YOU DESPERATELY ATTEMPTING TO PREVENT ME FROM THROWING AWAY THAT KALOSIAN FRY?”
“...I swear to You that that specific statement you just made is not an accurate description of the situation.” Mew said carefully.
“I SEE. SO WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I, SAY, HAPPENED TO USE A MOVE THAT UNDID THE EFFECTS OF EVERY OTHER MOVE IN THE VICINITY?”
“You, uh, reallllllllly might not want to do that-”
“I THINK I WILL.” There was a strange crackling sound, and then a wave of weird, tingly energy rushed through me. I felt my body expand, forcing away Mew’s paw. My vision returned to me as I once more grew eyes, just in time to see the bowl of crisps beside me vibrate violently, than explode into a mass of pink goo, spraying crisps in all directions. Each and every one of the crisps transformed back into a ditto by the time it hit the floor.
“Hey, so uh, can we all go home now?” one of the Ditto asked.
“MEW… YOU’VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO,” Arceus said, surveying the forty-three (including me) Ditto scattered about the room.
The Walrein
“I’m so sorry, Arceus.” Mew explains, trying to reason with the Poké-God. “I didn't mean for this to happen. It just... well, you see...”
“Well, what?! Go on, Mew!” Arceus impatiently demanded. “I’m waiting!”
“I only intended to bring one Ditto here but... uh,” Mew looks around nervously, probably wondering what he can do to get himself out of this mess. I can see right through Mew. He never intended to bring even one Ditto here; I’m telling you. But what do I know? I’m not a mind reader. “But they all kept coming. I didn’t know how to stop them.”
Arceus glares at Mew. “That’s the best you can come up with? Seriously Mew?”
“I’ll make it right!” Mew is quick to exclaim. Darn right you will, Mew. I want to go home. I’ve had enough of this place. I still have no idea where I am or how I ended up here in the first place. I never even asked to be brought here. I do not want to be here. “I swear I will.”
“You better!” Arceus’s harsh glare has yet to waver. “Or there will be no treat for you tonight.”
I kind of stopped paying attention to them after that for a while. What is taking so long, can they just send all of us Ditto back to where we came from? This place is too depressing; I would much rather be at home, eating grass and playing chase with my friends, not having a care in the world. That is exactly what I was doing before I was, so rudely, ripped away from my home by Mew, so it seems. I still have no idea what he did but oh well; it is not like I can do a thing about it now.
Please just let me go back to where I was. Please? That is all I want.
Mew turns to all of us Ditto. “I’m gonna send you back to where you came from now, okay? Brace yourselves!”
We did not even get the chance to react before a bright light came out of nowhere, not that I was paying attention mind you, and blinded all of us. I had to turn away with my eyes closed, so I would not totally lose my vision. It’s not like I could shield my eyes since I have no hands.
When I opened my eyes, I found that I am still in the exact same place. But how? I am supposed to be back in Kanto? What is going on?
I could see a look of sheer surprise appear on Mew’s face. “Uh oh.” It is almost as if he is surprised by this. I should have figured it would not be that easy.
Will they be able to send us all back? They’re mythical Pokémon, so this should not be a problem for them. The power these Pokemon possess is on a whole other level. If anyone should be able to do it, it’d be Mew. That is why I never questioned it. But this is not what I was expecting. Why am I still here? Mew, what is wrong with you? Send me back already. Send us all back to where we came from. What is so hard about that?
Apparently, everything is amiss, and I can’t help but wonder if I will ever be able to go back home, where I belong.
—
I’m so done with this place. I never asked to be brought here. I don’t want to be here anymore.
Mew came to us and personally apologized for bringing us here and then said that he is confused about why he cannot send us back to where we came from. He also assured us that he would try his best to find a solution. He promised he would send all of us back home eventually and asked that we have faith in him.
If only it were that easy, Mew.
I have gotten used to this place. It truly was not so bad here. But there is still no place like home and that is the place I am missing more than anything right now.
“Hey,” I could hear a voice call out to me, and I turn to see one of my friends who also ended up here against their will. “Are you okay?”
I simply nod. What am I supposed to say? “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Come on,” he whines, sounding tired and agitated, “all of us can see you’re not fine, so tell me what is bothering you?”
No sense in keeping it to myself. He can see right through me. Heck, everyone else can probably see right through me too. We’re all the same species after all, so what did you expect?
“Mew told us he is working tirelessly to find a way to send us back so be patient.” He tells me, but it is not helping. It is not helping at all. “We’ll be home before you know it.”
I look around at all the other Ditto. They all seem to be having fun and enjoying themselves. How can they enjoy themselves? Will someone just tell me because I am so lost. I want to go back home.
I could not help but give him a forced smile. Might as well try to make the most out of this.
I cannot tell you how much time had passed before Mew called us back to the castle. He tells us he thinks he can finally send us back. That brings some relief for me. I cannot wait to get back to Kanto. I miss the grass there. The grass here is alright, but it just cannot measure up to the grass at home.
Mew apologizes one last time before a bright light appears, and we all close our eyes. Once the light faded away, we opened them again to find that where we are now is huge! It is a big open field with flowers and everything. All of the other Ditto that arrived with me ran around this place. It is extremely big after all, so I can’t even blame them.
But I stayed put and looked around this place. Something tells me I still haven’t made it back to Kanto. Dammit, Mew!
xEryChan
