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Fame [Origins contest entry]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Dramatic Melody, Jun 2, 2019.

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  1. This was my entry to the Origins one-shot contest. And as it turns out, one of the contest judges, Negrek, correctly figured out why I wrote this in their review:

    That's pretty much all that went into deciding on this form ahaha. Aside from general revisions, I made big changes to the ending after thinking it over, thanks to the judges’ feedback. If you wanna see the first draft with the original ending, you can read it here.

    Thanks for reading!

    Fame

    “C’mon, it’s no big deal. It’s not like you didn’t see this coming.”

    “... …?”

    “Don’t give me that. It isn’t called the Fame Checker coz it has a bunch of no-name trainers on it. You saw it for yourself—it has the gym leaders, the Elite Four, and other famous people like Gramps and Old Man Fuji. There’s a lot more content now after all the updates, but it’s missing one person.”

    “... …”

    “Whatever. If I called the shots, I wouldn’t have gone all the way to get you on this.”

    “...?”

    “I mean, they got me to sign up, right? It’s not like you’d add anything—”

    “Alright, we have one medium cappuccino for Blue and one large black coffee for—oh? Oh! Oh wow! You’re...y-you’re—”

    “Yo, Mister, we’re in the middle of something here.”

    “S-sorry! H-here you go, Red. One large black coffee.”

    “... …”

    “I-is there anything else I can help you with?”

    “…”

    “He says he’s fine.”

    “O-of course! Th-thank you for dining with us!”

    “…!”

    “Tch, whatever… Anyway, this guy, Kyle, he made the Fame Checker. Cool guy. Horrible at battling but a genius in tech. Apparently, he was part of the team that helped Gramps develop the Pokedex. Well, he’s now all in with this Fame Checker stuff, ever since it blew up after you—after both of us became Champions.”

    “... …?”

    “Remember that weird device I gave you in Cerulean? When Kyle found out that you were the one that used his prototype and not me, he used your name to market the new version. He got a photo of you using the Fame Checker while you were reading a Pokemon Journal in a Center. And hey, nothing better than a Champion’s endorsement, right?”

    “... … …?!”

    “Wha… I don’t know how he got that photo of you! He’s the crazy tech genius, not me.”

    “… …”

    “Hey, if it makes you feel better, I was part of that campaign, too. Two Champions are better than one, after all! I even had to look candid while using it to match your photo. See?”

    “... … …?”

    “Yeah, yeah, I know I told you I didn’t need it. That’s why I gave you the prototype he lent me in the first place!”

    “...!”

    “I know! But look, Kyle won’t stop bugging me about this. He says that users have been asking why you don’t have a page. I keep telling him you’re the last person who’d want to talk about himself, but he wouldn’t have it. So he begged me to convince you to create your page and—”

    “Oh my gosh! You’re Red! You’re the one who beat Team Rocket! Hi!”

    “... …”

    “Can I have a photo with you, please?”

    “Hey, lady, we’re in the middle of something here. And he’s not—”

    “Oh my gosh! And you’re Blue, the city’s gym leader!”

    “The one and only!”

    “Can I have a photo with both of you? Pretty please?”

    “Heh, sure, if you insist!”

    “... … …”

    “Oh thank you, thank you! Ooh, my friends are gonna be so jealous that I have a photo with Red!”

    “See? That’s why you need to be on here. The Fame Checker means nothing without the second most famous trainer in Kanto.”

    “...”

    “Tch, I know it’s awkward, but the sooner you do this, the sooner you can forget about it. What do you say?

    “... … …”

    “I’ll take that as a yes. OK, so the first thing you need to do is go over these blurbs and see which ones you’d want in your page. Kyle said you can pick as many as six, and he gave me a flash drive with a whole bunch of recordings to choose from. Ridiculous! So I already cut it down to the ones from the most famous people. See? I’m already doing all the dirty work for you.”

    “... …”

    “Right, so here’s Gramps’ recording.”

    “You can’t go wrong with Red. Tell him to do something, he’ll go the extra mile to see it through.”

    “... …!”

    “Yeah, you have to put it, right? Can’t go wrong with Gramps! And here’s Lance’s.”

    “Those Pokemon of his, they’re on another level. Even my Dragon-types are no match for his team!”

    “...”

    “Really? Not feeling that one? OK, how about Bill’s?”

    “He might seem shy, but he’ll get you out of a pickle when you need it the most!”

    “...?”

    “What? No, he wasn’t forced to say that. Weren’t you the one who turned him back from fusing with a Pokemon?”

    “... …!”

    “Yeah, that’s what he was talking about. Already getting memory loss, huh? Must be getting old!”

    “...”

    “Heh! OK, so here’s a bunch from the other gym leaders. We got Brock, Surge, and Sabrina here.”

    “Red’s team can’t get any more solid. You’ll always feel like you should work harder after battling him!”

    “Who knew such a quiet kid would have a lot of spunk in him? Hah! Kids these days, they can shock you when you least expect it!”

    “I foresee several accolades coming to him. Perhaps even a role surpassing that of a gym leader.”


    “...”

    “Really, none of ‘em? Not even Surge’s? I thought his was real nice.”

    “...”

    “Whatever, it’s your page anyway. Alright, here’s one from Mr. Silph. I don’t know how Kyle got this, but here you go.”

    “Ah, seeing kind-hearted trainers like him reminds me why I started this company!”

    “... …!”

    “Huh, alright. I still think Surge’s was better. That means you’ll also like this one from Old Man Fuji.”

    “That boy… he raises his Pokemon in a very kind and loving manner. He should be an example to all trainers!”

    “... …!”

    “Yeah, thought so. OK, one more recording, and you bet I saved the best for last!”

    “Man, that Red, there’s no other trainer like him. If he became a gym leader, he’d be the second best in all of Kanto! Heh heh!”

    “... … …?!”

    “Wha... Of course that was the best one! Meant every word of it! If you only knew what Kyle had to do to get that out of me...”

    “...”

    “Tch, whatever. You know you’re flattered!”

    “... …!”

    “Heh! Thought so. Alright, that’s Gramps, Bill, Mr. Silph, Old Man Fuji, and me. That’s only five blurbs.”

    “... …?”

    “If you have less than six, you need to fill the rest in with your own blurbs about yourself.”

    “...!”

    “Yeah, yeah. So, you wanna go through all the other recordings I got from Kyle?”

    “... … …”

    “Alright, have fun with that. I’ll get us some more coffee while you’re at it. You still want a large black coffee?”

    “... …!”

    “Got it. I don’t know how you can drink that stuff. It’s so bitter!”

    “…”

    “Wow wow wow! There’s watching Red’s battles on the TV, then there’s actually battling him. Nothing compares to the real thing!”

    “...”

    “Ah… That boy… He looked way too much in a hurry to enjoy my cup of tea...”

    “...”

    “POKEMON FAN MAGAZINE: What’s Red’s favorite Pokemon? Why, it’s none other than—”

    “...?!”

    “Heh, I know that look! You heard the one from Pokemon Fan Magazine, didn’t you?”

    “… …!”

    “Thought so. I don’t know how they got that answer. Anyway, the barista gave these on the house because the store’s been getting more customers than usual while we’re here! So if you want more of that bitter stuff, just tell ‘em!”

    “… …?”

    “I don’t know, but I’m not one to pass on free coffee. Heh heh! So, which recording did you pick?”

    “...”

    “What? None of ‘em? Heh! I knew they were all bad. But that means you have to make one describing yourself. You sure you wanna do that?”

    “... … …?”

    “Wha... You promised you’d do this! No turning back now, you’ve already done a lot. Didn’t Gramps say you’d go the extra mile to see anything through?”

    “...”

    “Whatever. Kyle’s gonna be real disappointed if he finds out I got you out of that mountain, made you listen to all of his recordings, only for you to be a stick in the mud.”

    “... … …!”

    “Heh heh! So, you wanna go through all the recordings again, or are you gonna make one of your own?”

    “... … …”

    “Uhmm, excuse me?”

    “Wha… Who are you?”

    “Uhmm, I’m sorry for interrupting you, Mr. Blue. But, uhmm, hi. You probably don’t remember me, but I can never forget you, Mr. Red. Me, I’m… I’m one of the employees you saved at Silph Co.”

    “...!”

    “Mr. Red… I know my words don’t mean anything now. It’s been so many years since all that’s happened, and I don’t even work for Silph anymore. But I never got the chance to thank you. You being there and driving all those thieves away… I don’t know what would’ve happened if you didn’t show up. So, really… thank you, thank you for everything you’ve done.”

    “... …!”

    “I’m sorry, I must’ve interrupted something important if it’s two Champions talking. Thank you for letting me talk to you.”

    “... … …!!”

    “Way ahead of you. Hey, Miss! Miss!”

    “Yes? Ah, Mr. Blue!”

    “The one and only. Hey, Miss, you wanna be a part of history?”

    “Uhmm, I guess?”

    “That conversation we’re having, it was for Red’s Fame Checker page!”

    “Ah, really? I’ve been looking for his entry for a long time!”

    “Right? He’s finally gonna have one, but we’re still missing a blurb. And he wanted you to say it!”

    “Oh, wow, really? That’s… that’s such a big honor! Are you sure you want someone like me to say it?”

    “… …!!”

    “He says he can’t think of anyone better! So, you up for it?”

    “Of course! That’s the least I can do after all he’s done.”

    “Alright, let me make sure this is recording… There. So, what do you think of Red?”

    “He’s… He’s amazing. People might know him as a Champion, but I’ll always remember him as a hero.”

    “That’s great! Thanks, Miss!”

    “No, thank you, Mr. Blue. And Mr. Red, I… just, thank you again. I meant every word of that.”

    “... … …!”

    “Ooh, look at Mr. Hero over here! Who knew beating up a bunch of grunts would be such a big deal?”

    “... …”

    “I know, I know. But hey, that’s six blurbs! See, that wasn’t so hard, right?”

    “...!”

    “Sure, but it would’ve been harder if it was anyone else making you do this, wouldn’t it?”

    “… …”

    “Heh, thought so. And… sent! Kyle’s gonna freak out when he realizes I actually did it.”

    “… … …?”

    “You wanna go back already? I just got you another cup of coffee! Least you could do is stay until you finish it.”

    “… …”

    “Yeah yeah, I know I didn’t pay for it. But my point still stands. This café’s much nicer than a cold mountain, right?”

    “…?!”

    “Oh, give me a sec. There’s someone calling… Heh, it’s Kyle! Bet he wants to thank me how great your page turned out!”

    “…”

    “I’m Blue. Yup, that’s exactly what it is! Heh heh, so what do you think? I told you I could get him to—wait, what? No, don’t push it. There’s no way he’d do that.”

    “… …?”

    “Listen, you know who you’re talking about, right? I’ve known him since we were kids, and there’s no way he’d agree to do that. Yeah, I know he’s not mute. But he lets his skill do all the talking. Why do you think I made him my rival? Heh heh!”

    “… ...”

    “Tch, fine. Hey, you owe me a lot for all the crap you’re making me do. Yeah, yeah, I’ll send it to you in a bit. Smell ya later!”

    “…?”

    “So, Kyle wanted you to record yourself saying a message to all your fans—“

    “… … …?!”

    “Yeah, yeah, that’s why I told him you couldn’t do it. It’s one of those key features in a Fame Checker page, so he was insisting on it. But he knows that I always get what I want. Heh heh!”

    “… …”

    “That’s why we reached a compromise. Stay right there.”

    “... …?”

    “Alright, look here. You don’t have to say anything. Just smile and act like you want to do this.”

    “… … …?”

    “You’ll see. Ready? Three, two, one…”

    “… … …?!”

    “Yo! Blue here, and Red wants to tell you to hang in there! He knows that being a trainer is tough—he’s been through everything you can think of! But all that hard work paid off, since he’s now one of the best trainers in the world. And if he can do it, you can too. Right, Red?”

    “… …!”

    “Yeah, exactly! Alright, smell ya later!”

    “… … …”

    “And sent. There, that wasn’t hard, right?”

    “…?”

    “Yeah, Kyle said that’s the way to go if you didn’t want to do it yourself. And hey, you got the best person to hype you up right here! Why waste the opportunity?”

    “... …”

    “Oh, look, Kyle just texted and said everything’s peachy! He’ll have your page up by tonight. Heh! That loser owes me a lot for making this happen!

    “…!”

    “Alright, that’s that! I guess you wanna go back to training, huh?”

    “… …!”

    “Thought so. But hey, the barista said we can order another round of coffee on the house if we wanted. And I’m not one to pass on a free drink. You up for it?”

    “…”

    “Wha… C’mon! You can’t get this kind of coffee in Mt. Silver! Plus this place isn’t too bad, right? I love going here to cool off after a long day of winning.”

    “…”

    “Tch, fine. But I’m not gonna let you leave without a battle!”

    “… …?!”

    “Of course! You didn’t think I’d pass on the chance to battle you without having to go on a hike?”

    “… …”

    “Aww, what’s the matter? Afraid you’ll lose? I bet hearing all those people praise you made you softer.”

    “… … …!”

    “Heh, thought so! Now c’mon! I asked Arabella to prepare the gym so we can battle there!”

    “… … …?”

    “Don’t worry about it! All those challengers can lose to me anytime, but they won’t miss the chance to watch me beat the legendary Red!”

    “… …!!”

    “You’re on! Let’s go!”
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2019
    Venia Silente likes this.
  2. Starlight Aurate

    Starlight Aurate Just a fallen star

    Yay, you posted it! I know I am quite late in delivering my review ^_^; But I'm so happy to see this!

    I definitely thought it earned the contest win; I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first draft when the judges posted the results. The focus on dialogue snippets is definitely your style--and you do it so well. I don't know how many other authors can get away with doing dialogue-only stories, let alone dialogue between two characters where only one of them can speak (as Negrek pointed out). But you did it so well--the number of ellipses and whether they ended with a question mark or an exclamation point gave me just the right feel of how Red was responding.

    In addition to that, there are a lot of nice little quirks you put in--I loved how Red got a large black coffee. It totally suits his personality, especially in contrast to Blue's cappuccino. A like the "Red getting old" joke--it made me wonder when exactly this takes place, and how old Red must be! I know he's not old old, but at least in his late twenties or thirties. And ah man, I don't know what it is, but Blue standing up to Kyle for Red and telling him there's no way Red would talk on his own really just warmed my heart.

    A few things I wanted to point out:
    I love this bit--I thought it was so cute, and really shows what kind of a softie Red actually is ^_^

    Geeze Louise, how much caffeine do these boys need?!?

    The ending was cute. I really liked how you ended the first draft with "Smell ya later!" though I know the judges didn't like it--it gave an extra nostalgic punch for me. I'm happy you still included it, and ending with a gym battle was sweet!

    Overall, I thought this was super cute, very much your style, and definitely worth a win in the contest. I enjoyed it a lot!
     
  3. Venia Silente

    Venia Silente [](int x){return x;}

    When people say that when you read stuff you get to imagine everything in your head I think they meant this.

    It is overall an entertaining story despite (or perhaps because) nothing really happening in it. Just the banter that one would think Red and Blue have perfected to a form of endearment and that really fits well the scene of a meeting drinking coffee (or all things).

    Probably the only downside I can see to this story is that it actually features no Pokémon in it, but the Fame Checker more than makes up for it in an instance like this. And from what I read that it did so well in the contest, IMO it deserved it.
     

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