Family Ties

[Torkoal]

Prologue

A man in a Tuxedo came into the mansion. He was tall, rather muscular, and very pale, like he hadn’t been outside in a very long time.

The man also looked very stressed and tired.

“Hello, I’m here to see the don.” Said the man in a cold voice.

“Hey, uncle how have you been?” Said a little girl playing with her dolls with a smile.

The girl had darker skin than the man. She wore a pink dress

and her hair was in pigtails.


“Fine, thank you.” Said her uncle.

Sophia Ballo is the daughter of crime boss Valentino Ballo of the Pokemon Mafia.

“Sir, your brother is here to see you.” Said the butler.
The butler was wearing a suit. He was an old man with a long beard and a face full

of wrinkles.

The Pokemon Mafia is an organization of thieves, smugglers, poachers, drug sellers, and various other types of criminals.

The man walked into a large lavish room with a plump man who looked quite a bit like the mysterious visitor other than that his skin was

darker and that he was a bit older. The plump man being Valentino.

“What do you want?” Growled Valentino.

“You know what I want! I want in. I hate being cooped up in there with those idiots!” Yelled the man slamming his fists down onto

Valentino's desk.

“You chose to leave. You were offered quite a bit to stay, but you turned it down.” Said Valentino with an increasingly irritated tone.

The man was silent.

“You betrayed us brother, and we still pay you to keep your mouth shut!” yelled Valentino.

“You know what I’ll do if you don’t let me in.” threatened the man.

“Ha, ha, ha! I “know” you won’t because of what you know will happen if you do. You never had guts brother. You’re a coward.” laughed

Valentino.

The man was once again silent.

“James, please escort my brother to his car.” Said Valentino once again calm.

“Right this way sir.” Said James.

“…I’ll get you brother! I’ll get you!” Barked the man like an angry dog.

“Ha, ha, ha, sure you will brother. Sure you will.” Said Valentino with a mocking smile.

“…Urgh!!!”
“Please step this way.”

“Out of my way old man!” He barked.

The don’s brother stormed out of the room, where he was greeted once again by his niece.

“Hello, uncle.” Said Sophia radiating with cuteness.

The man was silent again, merely staring at her with cold, emotionless eyes.

Sophia knew full well what her father’s business was and he knew that she did, and was just fine with it. The Pokemon Mafia’s strictly

male membership was beginning to become a thing of the past.

“James do you know what tomorrow is?” asked Valentino.

“Yes, it’s Sophia’s 5th Birthday. It’s the point in the life of all children in this family where they go away to begin at St, John Trainer Prep

School, and then five years later when they finish they begin their pokemon journeys according to family tradition. They circle the globe

and become champions before they finally return home to take up the family business. Why?” Said James with a tone of scepticism.

“Tomorrow is the last time I’ll see her for quite some time. It’s odd really, normally emotions like this don’t affect me, but I’ve always

had a soft spot for that girl.” Said Valentino deep in thought.

“A father’s love.” Replied James.

“Heh, indeed. It’s just…”

“Yes?” asked James.

“It’s just that for the first time in years I feel…sad. I’ll miss her, worry about her. These are not things someone…in my line of work

should feel.” Said Valentino with sadness in his eyes.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine. That girl is strong and I’m sure that you’ll find a way to cope with your feelings and overcome with them as you

do all obstacles that get in your way.” Said James.

“Yes, she is strong, but that’s what worries me. I worry that she won’t be able to recover on the off chance she fails.” Said Valentino.

“There are people like us to help her if she does.” Said James.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thank you my old friend.” Said Valentino.

“My pleasure.” Said James with a smile.

 

[Breezy]

“Hello, I’m here to see the don.”
“Hey, uncle how have you been?”
“Fine, thank you.”

Oh em gee, who's talking?

Sophia Ballo is the daughter of crime boss Valentino Ballo of the Pokemon Mafia.
“Sir, your brother is here to see you.”
The Pokemon Mafia is an organization of thieves, smugglers, poachers, drug sellers, and various other types of criminals. It could be compared to Team Rocket, but there are some key differences that separate the two, however at the same time there are also similarities and even connections between the two, but those won’t be revealed until much later in our story.

The random explanation of who Sophia Ballo is in between dialouge is rather random and doesn't relate to what is being said at all. The Pokémon Mafia is better since it was said in describing Sophia, but it still somewhat sticks out like a sore thumb. And rest assured, no one was going to question how Team Rocket is related to the Pokémon Mafia so that little embeded author note you have there isn't needed.

You know what this is like? Watching television blindfolded. You hear people talking and you can somewhat get the gist of what's going on, but you still don't know what's *actually* happening. That's where description kicks in (for fics anyways).

I think the Dong would of made a good character if we knew what he looked like. A hard man soft for his daughter. Other than that, everyone else is bland and boring. Maybe you'll redeem yourself once Sophia actually comes into play in this fic.

LaTeR dAyZ!

 

[Yami Ryu]

Maybe you'll redeem yourself once Sophia actually comes into play in this fic.

and maybe pigs will grow wings?

More serious note:

Breezy is right. Since you did crap with description it's like watching TV with a blindfold. No wait, Breezy's wrong. Atleast the actors on TV would be more expressive probably so even then you'd get the gist of what's going on. While here .. here is like a cake so flat, an ant wouldn't break a sweat climbing onto it and over it.

I also get the feeling you wrote this up in the reply box too :/

Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors and the Rules threads before you think about trying to make a first chapter.

 

[Astinus]

Sophia Ballo is the daughter of crime boss Valentino Ballo of the Pokemon Mafia.

Like Breezy said...this is completely random. Also, let's just over look the fact that Sophia could just be a floating spectre with the ability to talk. You need to describe what the characters look like. It makes for a very boring read if they're not. It's also tedious, as the readers have to fill in the details themselves.

I told you this once before elsewhere: Hit the Enter bar twice after each paragraph. It makes for a much more easier read. And in cases like this...

“…” “James, please escort my brother to his car.”

...hit the Enter bar to make it two seperate paragraphs. Two different people are talking. And speaking of talking, where are the dialogue tags? Readers would like to know who is talking. Like Yami said, it would be more expressive on television, because then we could know if people were yelling, grunting, whispering... You know, description?

I'm with Yami on the reply box bit. There didn't seem to be any show of proof-reading.

Stickies are there for a reason, you know.

 

[Torkoal]

Fine. I'll try writing a more descriptive version and then replace this one with it once I'm done okay?

 

[Torkoal]

Fine. I'll try writing a more descriptive version and then replace this one with it once I'm done okay?

It has been done. I made the fic far more descriptive and told you who was talking. Is this good enough for you?

 

[Yami Ryu]

To be frank it still sucks :/

Advice For Aspiring Authors Thread

You need to read that thread. And very much so :/

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Prologue

A man in a Tuxedo came into the mansion. He was tall, rather muscular, and very pale, like he hadn’t been outside in a very long time. The man also looked very stressed and tired.

“Hello, I’m here to see the don,” said the man.

“Hey, uncle, how have you been?” said a little girl playing with her dolls.

The girl had darker skin than the man. She wore a pink dress and her hair was in pigtails..

“Fine, thank you,” said her uncle.

Sophia Ballo is the daughter of crime boss Valentino Ballo of the Pokemon Mafia.

“Sir, your brother is here to see you,” said the butler.

The butler was wearing a suit. He was an old man with a long beard and a face full of wrinkles.

The Pokemon Mafia is an organization of thieves, smugglers, poachers, drug sellers, and various other types of criminals.

The man walked into a large lavish room with a plump man who looked quite a bit like the mysterious visitor other than that his skin was darker and that he was a bit older. The plump man being Valentino.

“What do you want?” said Valentino.

“You know what I want! I want in. I hate being cooped up in there with those idiots!” said the man.

“You chose to leave. You were offered quite a bit to stay, but you turned it down,” said Valentino.

The man was silent.

“You betrayed us, brother, and we still pay you to keep your mouth shut!” said Valentino.

“You know what I’ll do if you don’t let me in,” said the man.

“Ha, ha, ha! I “know” you won’t because of what you know will happen if you do. You never had guts brother. You’re a coward,” said Valentino.

The man was once again silent.

“James, please escort my brother to his car,.” said Valentino.

“Right this way sir.” said James.

“…I’ll get you brother! I’ll get you!” said the man.

“Ha, ha, ha, sure you will brother. Sure you will.”

“…Urgh!!!”

“Please step this way.”

“Out of my way old man!”

The don’s brother stormed out of the room, where he was greeted once again by his niece.

“Hello, uncle,” said Sophia.

The man was silent again.

Sophia knew full well what her father’s business was and he knew that she did, and was just fine with it. The Pokemon Mafia’s strictly male membership was beginning to become a thing of the past.

“James do you know what tomorrow is?” said Valentino.

“Yes, it’s Sophia’s fifth birthday. It’s the point in the life of all children in this family where they go away to begin at St. John Trainer Prep School, and then five years later, when they finish, they begin their pokemon journeys according to family tradition. They circle the globe and become champions before they finally return home to take up the family business. Why?” said James.

“Tomorrow is the last time I’ll see her for quite some time. It’s odd really, normally emotions like this don’t affect me, but I’ve always had a soft spot for that girl,” said Valentino.

“A father’s love,” said James.

“Heh, indeed. It’s just…” said Valentino.

“Yes?” said James.

“It’s just that for the first time in years I feel…sad. I’ll miss her, worry about her. These are not things someone…in my line of work should feel,” said Valentino.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine. That girl is strong and I’m sure that you’ll find a way to cope with your feelings and overcome with them as you do all obstacles that get in your way,” said James.

“Yes, she is strong, but that’s what worries me. I worry that she won’t be able to recover on the off chance she fails,” said Valentino.

“There are people like us to help her if she does,” said James.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thank you, my old friend,” said Valentino.

“My pleasure,” said James.

I think this is more what people were after - putting a single blank line between paragraphs and other paragraphs, speech from text and speech from other speech. And please note that when you have someone saying something, there's a comma at the end of their speech and a small case 's' in the following 'said'.

Also on that note, yeh might try using some synonyms for 'said'. Speech verbs like 'drawled', 'murmured', 'chirped', 'muttered', 'growled', 'hissed' and so forth help to break the monotony that forms when you adhere strictly to a "She said, he said, they said' sort of format. Just reading through so many lines of 'blah,' said someone, 'blahblah,' said someone else can get extremely tedious and doesn't do a lot to describe the scene. Even when you're dealing lots of speech, it's still possible to show your readers a bit more of what's going on that merely what they're saying. Any thesaurus (even an online one, if yeh don't have a book thesaurus handy) should be able to give you a huge list of alternatives. Yeh don't have to go overboard, but please use the more dynamic variations where appropriate. ^^

At the moment, I'd advise you to work on showing your readers what's happening. Let them see what sort of home it is - show them the important, defining attributes of the place. Let them see the marble floors and intricate lace on the little girl's dress. Let them see the expensive suits of the mafia people. Let them see the rich furnishings or grimly bare rooms. Note: I'm just guessing what the place is like - but as a reader, I shouldn't have to. It might seem like spoon-feeding people, but conveying a deep sense of atmosphere about your settings can really help to give your story that 'spark'.

Anyway, yeh've got quite a potential filled start here, so put it to good use! Remember to show your readers as much as you can about your characters and the scenes they're in. Aim for variation amongst description so tedious patterns (like the 'blah said someone, blahblah, said someone else') don't form. And please, if yeh're not comfortable with the conventions of spelling/grammar/punctuation, ask someone to beta for you (proof read and correct any mistakes they find). ^^ Best of luck and fun to you! And if you need anything here explained or expanded upon or more strategies for following these guidelines, let me know!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Torkoal]

Thank you Pinecone Tortise. I've taken some of your advice and modified my fic yet again. Unlike some people, who mearly flame me ::cough Yami Ryu cough:: you actually try to help me and for that you have my thanks. I have once again increased the descriptivness of the fic and tried to remove any blandness in it. I hope you enjoy it.

 

[Yami Ryu]

it's YAMI RYU not yomi. Where the hell did you get Yomi :/

And seriously if you think I'm a flamer, I'd hate to see how you react to like, a teacher telling you, you suck. I've had to deal with them before. It just helped me and others get better. :/

And I bet you didn't even glance at the thread I linked to.

A man in a Tuxedo came into the mansion. He was tall, rather muscular, and very pale, like he hadn’t been outside in a very long time.

The man also looked very stressed and tired.

“Hello, I’m here to see the don.” Said the man in a cold voice.

“Hey, uncle how have you been?” Said a little girl playing with her dolls with a smile.

The girl had darker skin than the man. She wore a pink dress

and her hair was in pigtails.

:/ oh yes so much better. WITH A BIT MORE EFFORT THAN JUST SPACING LINES...

A tall and pale looking man wearing a tuxedo approached a large mansion. He seemed to be heading for one spot in paticular on the building, and came to it quickly upon spotting it. Opening the door, the man quickly entered, as he shut it, a weary look could be seen on his features. He appeared older than he really was, hinting to stress and fautige.

“I'm here to see the don," He said to no one in paticular, but it just so happened a little girl (in a light pink dress with her hair done up in pig tails), playing with her dolls heard him, and she seemed to light up upon hearing him as she glanced up at the much taller man. “Hey, uncle how have you been?” She asked with a smile.

:/ wow lines went to paragraphs.

 

[Torkoal]

Chapter 1: Hard Knocks
“Bye Daddy!”

Sophia waved to her father as she walked into the large castle-like building

that would be her new home.

“Bye Sweety.”

Sophia’s father waved back as James drove him away in the limo. Sophia

watched the limo as it drove away. She turned and walked into the

building. She looked at a sheet of paper she held in her hand that told her

things like her dorm number and her classroom. She had already seen

them when they went to the open house, but her father had been with her

then and it was difficult for her to do it by herself. She found her dorm and

walked in. It was a standard dorm room with two bunk beds, a desk, a

closet, a bathroom, a dresser, and a window. It was painted blue with white

trimming. There was also a blue and white carpet [blue and white are the

school colors]. There were a few other people there. There was a girl

Sophia’s age with long blonde hair with red bows in it. There was another

girl who looked a few years older and had boyish black hair. Finally there

was a last girl with brown medium length brown hair and glasses. All four

of them were wearing the school uniform. It was a blue and white sailor

suit like those found at most private schools. On the upper left of the chest

was the schools insignia, which was a shield with an Entei’s head above it,

two swords crossed I an X behind that and it was all enclosed in an oval

with the words “John Prep” in it. None of them, including Sophia looked like

they really liked the uniform. The blonde girl was tugging at it trying to

make it comfortable, the tomboy had rolled up the sleeves and the girl with

glasses was covering it up like she was embarrassed. The tomboy was the

first to look up and realize Sophia’s presence, but the blonde was the first

to talk to her.

“Hello, it looks like we’ll all be staying together! I hope we all can become

friends!” She said with a ridiculously large smile that was strangely

disturbing.

“Idiot.” Said the tomboy under her breath.

The other girl just put her hand to her face.

“Sarah, that’s not how you greet someone. Don’t mind her she’s just a little

pampered.” Said the tomboy.

“And what is that supposed to mean, Lulu!?” Yelled Sarah

“It means you’re one of the many girls here who was pampered by their

parents until they thought, and acted like the little mindless princesses their

parents wanted them to be.” Sneered Lulu.

“What that is so, not true! I am not “a mindless princess”!” She yelled.

“Oh yeah? Prove it! Tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I’m gonna take over my parent’s business.” Sarah declared.

“Is that really what you want to do?” Lulu said with a raised eyebrow.

“Uhh, of course. I’ll make lots of money.” Said Sarah hesitantly.

“Yeah see? A mindless princess.” Lulu said with a mocking grin.

“What about you?” Lulu said pointing to Sophia.

“Well my father wants me to take over our family business, but…”

“But what?” Lulu said slightly intrigued.

“But what I really want to do is become a Pokemon Master. After all that’s

why I came here. Why’d you come here?” Sophia asked.

“I came here to grow strong.” Said Lulu.

“Why do you need to be strong?” asked Sophia.

“Hmm, you know now that I think about it I really don’t have a reason, but

we have plenty of time to figure it out.” Lulu said with the first smile

Sophia had seen on her.

“Yeah I guess.” Said Sophia.

“Umm guys?” said the girl with glasses, speaking for the first time as she

looked at her watch. “It’s time for class. We better get going or we’ll be

late.” She said as she picked up her supplies.

The four of them gathered their things and walked out the door. The

tomboy led since she best knew her way around. She led them up some

stairs down a hallway and through a mass of other students trying to get to

their classes as well. They arrived at the door and Lulu opened it. The

classroom was very odd indeed. It was huge for a classroom. It had desks

for the students and a small stage in front of that. On either side of the

room were shelves cram-packed with pokeballs. The teacher’s desk was in

between the stage and the desks. The room had many windows placed high

so that the shelves of pokeballs wouldn’t cover them up and there was also

a skylight. The room was painted red with Chestnut wood floors and the

walls were covered with various masks that looked like pokemon, and

there was a Gyarados costume [like the dragon costumes used at Chinese

New Year] suspended from some wires in mid-air. The room was already

mostly full of students, since our heroines had been slow in getting there.

They all sat down in their desks and began talking with some of the other

students, except for the girl in glasses who sat and read her textbook for

this class.

“So how do you like this place?” Sophia turned around and saw that it was

a boy that was talking to her, and a rather pretty one at that.

“It’s okay, but it’s probably too soon for me to be able to accurately make

an assessment. What about you? You look older than me, so you’ve

probably been here a year or two.”

“Yeah, I was here last year. It’s the best place to go if you want to become

an expert trainer, but the homework is hell. Oh pardon me, I forgot to

introduce myself, I’m Adam Louise Witherspoon, at your service.”

“Sophia Maxwell Ballo.”

Ballo!? You mean the Ballos!?”

“Yeah. I don’t really like the fame though. I’m probably going to get the

royal treatment because my family has been coming here for generations,

and because they’re one of this places best benefactors, but I never really

was one for the spotlight. I would much prefer being following orders to

giving them. At least then people wouldn’t be looking at me all the time,

but that’s not to say I really want that either. To tell you the truth I’m really

more of a loner.” She said deep in thought again.

“Hmm, well I’ll be. To hear something like that out of someone of your

family. Said a new voice.

Sophia looked up to see her teacher standing over her. He was a young

man with black hair, a beard, and he was kinda plump. He had a cane and

he was

bent over from a losing war with gravity.

“Your family is famous for always taking the leader role, but I guess there’s

a first time for everything.” He said with a smile.

“Hello Mr. –Mr.-What’s your name again?” asked Sophia.

“Madison. Mr. Madison.”

 

[Yami Ryu]

Ok you know how you prevent paragraphs from becoming choppy when you copy/past? Change the word wrap to OFF copy, then past and it'll be paragraphed. OR atleast edit it after pasting like I did before finding out about Word Wrap to change a string along fic into something that didn't and wouldn't annoy readers.

The chapter seems stretched rather than flushed out, and the characters still seem a bit flat, description is eh-ish, at best and well. :/ I get the feeling you are not listening to your reviewers really.

 

[Torkoal]

Ok you know how you prevent paragraphs from becoming choppy when you copy/past? Change the word wrap to OFF copy, then past and it'll be paragraphed. OR atleast edit it after pasting like I did before finding out about Word Wrap to change a string along fic into something that didn't and wouldn't annoy readers.

The chapter seems stretched rather than flushed out, and the characters still seem a bit flat, description is eh-ish, at best and well. :/ I get the feeling you are not listening to your reviewers really.

actually i did change it after posting it. Also I have no idea what you're talking about when you said all that stuff about wrap and copying and something being off. I'm not really the best with computers. All I do for my fic is type it in word then highlight it and go to edit and copy. I then come here make a post and press paste to put it here. I then make any neccesary changes like spacing each line and finally I submit it.

 

[Yami Ryu]

...

“Yeah. I don’t really like the fame though. I’m probably going to get the

royal treatment because my family has been coming here for generations,

and because they’re one of this places best benefactors, but I never really

was one for the spotlight. I would much prefer being following orders to

giving them. At least then people wouldn’t be looking at me all the time,

but that’s not to say I really want that either. To tell you the truth I’m really

more of a loner.” She said deep in thought again.

How was she different, how vastly had she changed? Regice had to find out, the drive to learn was pressing down, and she ran her hands over her face. After the initial shock and pain from the transformation, as Ho Oh had healed her as she turned Regice human (and it was the first time Regice had ever felt pain, in her entire existence), she found she now had two eyes, that saw with perfect clearity her others had not had. A bump on her face, in the middle, lower than the eyes.

You see the difference between your 'paragraph' and mine? Mine is an actual paragraph. Yours is just lines :/

 

[Torkoal]

...






You see the difference between your 'paragraph' and mine? Mine is an actual paragraph. Yours is just lines :/

then why is it that every time I make a real paragraph that you guys tell me that I have to space it because you can't read it. I don't get that. You can read a book, but if you're reading off of a computer screen it has to be spaced for it not to bore you. Can you people make up your minds!?

 

[Tezza]

Firstly I commend you for going on in the face of tactless reviews, but they were reviews not flames because they give advice. If you can pick out what you need from these reviews you'll go a long way!

My first piece of advice is to read. Read lots of fanfictions, lots of published works, newspapers, jam jars, anything! Reading will improve your vocabulary and show you how to paragraph and punctuate. Also its enjoyable and making quality reviews means you get to know fellow authors.

I reccomend reading Sapphire Persian's works, Ash Junior as well Pinecone Tortoise as well because they're what you get if you just persist. What a lot of reviewers seem to turn a blind eye to is that no one starts out a magnificent ball of prose turning plots into gold, it takes a lot of stops and starts and reading.

However, you can help you help yourself. Think of quality control. As I glance through I see inconsistancies in punctuation, capitalisation, spelling mistakes and poor paragraphing. These are things anyone can get perfect if they take the time rereading and proofing their story before posting. This is probably why these reviewers are being so blunt. It seems like you don't care, so why should they.

Take pride in your work, don't rush it just to post it somewhere or you'll seriously damage your self confidence. Low confidence means you don't feel motivated to write and writing should be fun. Take the time to make it perfect and you'll get the best from the reviewer.

Now for the story. Its an interesting idea, but it feels kind of like you watched the Godfather and tried to mix it with Pokemon. It means you'll have to work hard to get the readers to believe it. Again detail is the key to showing we the readers a movie in our head, but there's a difference to throwing descriptions at us and the pertinent ones that make the movie that much more interesting.

Her room is one of these details. Yes, there's a picture in my head but how important is it to the plot, will we be revisiting it anytime soon. Clothing descriptions also fall into this category.

Now lets look at paragraphing. A paragraph deals with a single topic, then you press enter. For example:

Sophia’s father waved back as James drove him away in the limo. Sophia watched the limo as it drove away. She turned and walked into the building. She looked at a sheet of paper she held in her hand that told her things like her dorm number and her classroom. She had already seen them when they went to the open house, but her father had been with her then and it was difficult for her to do it by herself. She found her dorm and walked in. It was a standard dorm room with two bunk beds, a desk, a closet, a bathroom, a dresser, and a window. It was painted blue with white trimming. There was also a blue and white carpet [blue and white are the school colors]. There were a few other people there. There was a girl Sophia’s age with long blonde hair with red bows in it. There was another girl who looked a few years older and had boyish black hair. Finally there was a last girl with brown medium length brown hair and glasses. All four of them were wearing the school uniform. It was a blue and white sailor suit like those found at most private schools. On the upper left of the chest was the schools insignia, which was a shield with an Entei’s head above it, two swords crossed I an X behind that and it was all enclosed in an oval with the words “John Prep” in it. None of them, including Sophia looked like they really liked the uniform. The blonde girl was tugging at it trying to make it comfortable, the tomboy had rolled up the sleeves and the girl with glasses was covering it up like she was embarrassed. The tomboy was the first to look up and realize Sophia’s presence, but the blonde was the first to talk to her.

Becomes:

Sophia’s father waved back as James drove him away in the limo. Sophia watched the limo as it drove away. She turned and walked into the building. She looked at a sheet of paper she held in her hand that told her things like her dorm number and her classroom.

She had already seen them when they went to the open house, but her father had been with her then and it was difficult for her to do it by herself. She found her dorm and walked in. It was a standard dorm room with two bunk beds, a desk, a closet, a bathroom, a dresser, and a window. It was painted blue with white trimming. There was also a blue and white carpet [blue and white are the school colors].

There were a few other people there. There was a girl Sophia’s age with long blonde hair with red bows in it. There was another girl who looked a few years older and had boyish black hair. Finally there was a last girl with brown medium length brown hair and glasses. All four of them were wearing the school uniform.

It was a blue and white sailor suit like those found at most private schools. On the upper left of the chest was the schools insignia, which was a shield with an Entei’s head above it, two swords crossed I an X behind that and it was all enclosed in an oval with the words “John Prep” in it. None of them, including Sophia looked like they really liked the uniform. The blonde girl was tugging at it trying to make it comfortable, the tomboy had rolled up the sleeves and the girl with glasses was covering it up like she was embarrassed.

The tomboy was the first to look up and realize Sophia’s presence, but the blonde was the first to talk to her.

There's an attempt at it.

Now lets look at the broken sentences. Read your story aloud and listen to it. Things won't sound right. Sophie did this, then Sophie did that. Repetition of Sophie's name so many time makes it uncomfortable, replace some of them with pronouns like 'she'. Also consider longer, conjoined sentences to keep the flow. Reading other peoples work will help you with flow and give it a more poetic feel.

Keep going, never be afraid to rewrite and take pride in your work. Goodluck!

 

[Torkoal]

thanks Tezza. Actually I've never seen the Godfather, but I did indeed base this fic of of it. My brother owns the complete set and I could have watched it, but I want to read the book first, which my brother told me is much better, however he lost it so now I'm looking for it knowing that having read it will greatly improve my ability to write this fic. I have always tried to stear clear of the traditional "::insert name here:: goes to Proffesor ::insert a type of tree here:: and gets a ::insert starter pokemon here:: and goes on a journey to get all the badges and become the greatest pokemon master ever."
As for the spacing I'll try it your way. You probably don't know this, but the last time I tried to write a fic the only reviews I got were on spacing and it got kinda annoying that nobody would comment on the story itself. At least this time I'm getting comments on the story. Anyway thanks again. I've added you to my Buddy List and I would like to invite you to join the review club since you seem to be an expert at this. Here's a link to it: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=112902

 

[Torkoal]

Chapter two comin at ya, and yes I know, it's short, but here it is:
Chapter 2: Sweet Revenge
“That was a long day I’m tired. Yeah they work you pretty hard at this place, but it does pay off, you know. Many students of this school have gone on to hold very prestigious positions like Gym Leaders, Pokemon Professors, and even Elite Four members. I’ve been here a year and already I’m experienced enough that I could demolish most pokemon trainers, but I’m not really one to brag; besides anyone of my classmates could say that.”
“Cool!” said Sophia with a smile.
After talking for an hour or so, our four heroines went to bed.
Sophia’s school life was long and hard, but she made it, developing not only her training skills, but her personality as well, and so we return to our story four and a half years later in the middle of her senior year at St. John’s.
“And so, can anyone think of a good way to counter a rollout?”
“You could use a Sludge Bomb to make it so that your opponent was to sticky to roll anymore.”
“Uhh, I guess that would work Donovan, but there is probably an easier way. Anyone else?”
Sophia looked over at Donovan. She had, had a crush on him for three years now and he didn’t even realize it. He was so cool with his jet-black hair, and his shades. He was hot, and every girl knew it. Sophia looked out the window, at the beautiful scenery of trees and bushes as she thought about where her life was taking her. When this year started she felt alone since Lulu wasn’t there to guide her. She had graduated the previous year and was probably out somewhere having the time of her life as a pokemon trainer. Sarah was her friend, but she never could fill the mentor role that Lulu had played in her life, and the glasses girl, who was named Nora, barely ever talked so she wasn’t much help either, but it was at this moment that Sophia remembered something that Lulu had once told her. “Remember kid, if you always have other people use their legs to carry you down the road of life, you’ll become dependant on them and your own legs will become useless. You must learn how to fend for yourself and once your legs are good and strong, you can walk alongside those you depended on as their equal.”
Sophia had never been the equal of anyone. Since she was the youngest of the family she was always the one who got extra help. Her father had always believed in her, and now that she could fend for herself, she would live up to his faith and make him proud.
“Hey what’s that?”
Sophia snapped out of her daydreaming state and looked out the window to where her classmate was pointing. In the distance was a black dot that was getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger as it drew nearer. Sophia strained her eyes to make it out, and gasped when she recognized it.
She stood up and tried to alert her classmates of the danger that was closing in on them, “Run! Run! Get out of here NOW!!!”
Her classmates looked at her skeptically, and then looked back at the figure heading straight for them. By that time it was clear what it was. The object was a black helicopter and on the side of it was a large red letter R. The helicopter landed and out from it came a very large number of Rocket fronts and the last person to step out of the helicopter was a man in a tuxedo, it was Sophia’s uncle.
“Spread out and secure the area. Not a person escapes!”
“Sir yes sir Giovanni sir!”
Giovanni looked up and saw his niece starting down at him. Her stare was not like the smiling greeting of the five-year-old girl he had seen the last time they met, but rather a cold, stare that would send shivers down the spines of most people, not unlike his own. They exchanged stares until Giovanni raised up his hand and…