Fanfic yo

[Merlin]

Here is my fanfic! Psyche! its just a preview

Pokemon Unknown Isle

It was a stormy night and the rain was pouring down on my small but cozy cottage. I could hear a pack of Houndoom howling in the distance over the rainfall. It was hard to sleep because of what happened. I was walking over to my friend Lance's house, when a man in a black robe with a weird machine on his arm challenged me to a battle. So naturally I said yes because what pokemon trainer in their right mind wouldn't accept a battle.
He sent out a Machop and an Arcanine that appeared to have an odd purple aurora around him. Once he did that I sent out my Charmeleon and my Metagross. The mystery trainer yelled
"Machop! Double kick!"
"Metagross! Counter!" I yelled.
The pokemon braced itself, reared back and sent out a green energy shield while it sprang forth with double the strength. The Machop flew back and fell on the road. The trainer held up the Machops green pokeball. "Yes! Only one more left!" I said in joy. Metagross stomped the ground and Charmeleon blew flames from his mouth. The trainer looked angry and commanded his Arcanine to use a move called Shadow Blitz.
Arcanine shot a blast of purple at Metagross, Knocking him down for a few seconds.

 

[Merlin]

Please rate 1 to 10!

 

[Naetoru & Stitch]

4/10. You have to explain more, unless that's like a proluge. Hey look, I'm trying to make good stories too! I have a few editors. That sounds like something like CSI. Where somthing happens, then theme song, then what happend before, or after. It sounds that way. So, is it a proluge?

 

[Seiryu]

Well, if this is indeed a preview of the work and not a prologue, it belongs in the Authors' Cafe.

If it is a prologue, however...well, there're a few things that are still technically wrong with it.

First off, length. Even for a prologue, this would be extremely short. In the rules, it's stated that a prologue should be at least a page in a word-processing program, though less is acceptable within reason.

Next, the characters. Try hard not to create Pokébots--that is, pokémon who only get sent out to battle and nothing else. The mystery man didn't seem to have anything really special about his personality; maybe comment on how he makes your main character feel. Come to think of it, but I didn't really get much of anything personality-wise from anyone there. And no offense, but your main character--or at least, the person who I assume is the main character--really set my Mary-Sue radar off. So he's a friend of Lance, probably the elite Dragon trainer, he's probably an elite trainer himself, and he apparently has the ability to identify shadow pokémon at a glance. Erm...consider toning that down. A lot.

Description...well, it's there, but only in very tiny chunks. It honestly sounds more like a brief summary of events. Elaborate! Make us feel like we're right there with the character! Let us know what he's thinking at the time! Let us visualize what's going on! Tell us about the cottage, the path on which your character is walking, everything! If you had explained the events to us rather than just telling them and properly described everything's appearance, then you would have easily bypassed the aforementioned problem with length.

Finally, there were a few technical errors. Not really anything with spelling, but more with grammar. For instance, you don't seem to be all that familiar with using quotation marks. A rule of thumb is to begin a new paragraph when a different person begins to speak, which I see you did all but one time. However, if you put the character's action of diction (said, yelled, etc.) before the actual quote, consider beginning a new paragraph with the beginning of that sentence.

There was also one sentence that was ended in a period but probably would've done better as a question mark. Here, you put:

So naturally I said yes because what pokemon trainer in their right mind wouldn't accept a battle.

Maybe instead you should consider something like this:

So naturally I said yes because, well, what pokemon trainer in their right mind wouldn't accept a battle?

You have to admit, it does look better like this.

So, even though I don't really like number ratings, going to give this a 3 out of 10. You show potential, but there are just too many things that are wrong with it.

 

[Merlin]

this is sort of half but i wrote it when i was like 9 and i just wanted to know like what is wrong with it and stuff so thanks!

 

[MaskedManAbsolkid]

this is sort of half but i wrote it when i was like 9 and i just wanted to know like what is wrong with it and stuff so thanks!

How old are you actually? It seems like you've written this fairly recently. Either that or your guesses of future attacks (and maybe pokemon) are VERY accurate. More description, paragraphs and basically a longer prologue.

One last thing, if you call it 'Fanfic yo', how many people would read it and say it's good? Few, I'd say. Then you went 'Here is my fanfic! Psyche! its just a preview' So basically, you've tried to get people to read this story by not giving it a proper title, then making them think there's gonna read about 1-3 pages of word, which is the mininum for chapters.

I'm not even sure if number ratings are allowed, but I'll give it 3/10.

Edit: So basically, you wrote this 2 years ago, yet one of the attacks is Shadow Blitz. Shadow Blitz was known (I'm guessing), August 2005, or if it wasn't called that in japan, October 2005. If you haven't guessed, tell the truth.