First stop, the Netherworld. (Warning! Violence and Cursing later on.)

[Artifact]

First stop, the Netherworld.

(Sorry if it seems bad, I've never written a fanfic.)


Riiiiing, riiiing, rii-

The clock turned off as the young girls hand raised up to it, knocking it off the nightstand and letting it fall to the ground. It of course, broke. She had spares, due to the fact she needed a new one every morning. She slowly sat up, whiping the sand from her eyes. From the kitchen her mother shouted, "Honey, You need to take your shower, and get ready for scho-" "I know mom, I know!" shouted the angry twelve year old. Today was her first day of school- and she finally got to choose her own pokemon! It was a tradition for her family to get their first pokemon at twelve. She was excited.

She slowly stepped in the shower, placing a towel over the rack. As she turned the shower on, she washed over her whole body, then grabbed the shampoo. She started to think. "What will I choose?! My family has chosen all rock- but I don't want rock, or poison, or fire, or water! I want something different. Maybe like a Suicune, or maybe a Rayquaza! No.. Those are too high. Something small. Yes, that was it! I want a Breloom!" she squealed out loud.

She stepped out of the shower and put her towel on, she wrapped the other around her head. She went and grabbed her nicest clothes, picked out just for today and slipped them on. She started to dry her hair. After she put her hairdryer down, she started to apply her makeup, she then made her way downstairs to the kitchen. She ate up her cereal and went on her way. "Bye Mom! See you when I get home!"[/b] she shouted, her mother met her outside. "Now dear, get a Treeko! I only want grass pokemon here!" she ignored her mom. She wanted a Breloom!

As she got to school, she walked up the steps. She searched for an empty seat and sat down. She looked to the both seats beside her, one was boy and the other was girl. She smiled at them. Then she heard names being called. "Trenton?" The boy beside her shouted "Yo, Teach!". The teacher sighed. "A simple 'Here' would've done... Trisha?" "Here." the little girl beside her said, she sounded depressed. She even missed her own name! "Christina.. Miss Dulfast?" the teacher said. "Oh, Here!" she shouted. So her adventure began.

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Plus, the 12 year old thing is a tradition for her family only, not to confuse the others. The others are about 10 and 11.
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The characters in Part 1 are:
Christina Dulfast- The main character.
Trenton Baxter
Trisha Foswell
Donna Dulfast- Main's mother
Mr. Cunnerfel- The teacher.
​

 

[Astinus]

Okay. *cracks knuckles and knees*

Wrong:

1.) It's a big old text block
2.) The font color makes me blind and gives me a headache. Basic black is best.
3.) If dialogue is put into seperate paragraphs, you don't need to bold it. There is no need.
4.) Grammar. If you need help in this, or if you want a beta-reader, PM me.

Right:

1.) Back story of the family.
2.) At least your main character isn't starting with Suicune.

Questions:

1.) If Christina doesn't want a Grass Pokémon, why is she getting a Breloom, a Grass/Fighting-type?
2.) Why does her family have the tradition of getting Pokémon at the age of twelve? Is this the law of the world, or only of the family?

Ways to Improve:

1.) Use Microsoft Word or Open Office. The programs have built-in spelling and grammar checkers.
2.) Read some five-star fics. The Legendarian Chronicles, Pokémon Revelation: Cross of Fates come to mind. This way, you can see how the best of the best SPPf write, and learn from them.

Don't be afraid to edit after you write something! Even professional writers must do this! If you don't you come across as a lazy writer. Don't be like this! Also, if you can find your own mistakes, or if someone else points them out to you, you will improve!

 

[Artifact]

Thanks for the info! I've just been used to clumping everything together because I rp on forums and stuff, I usually never write stories. xD; I'll get right to work on fixing my mistakes.

 

[Astinus]

You are so welcome. And I noticed that you listened to my review, which shows that you are willing to improve your writing. I like that.

To help you out more, I'll show you what your opening paragraph should look like. You had:

The clock turned off as the young girls hand raised up to it, knocking it off the nightstand and letting it fall to the ground. It of course, broke. She had spares, due to the fact she needed a new one every morning. She slowly sat up, whiping the sand from her eyes. From the kitchen her mother shouted, "Honey, You need to take your shower, and get ready for scho-" "I know mom, I know!" shouted the angry twelve year old. Today was her first day of school- and she finally got to choose her own pokemon! It was a tradition for her family to get their first pokemon at twelve. She was excited.

It could be:

The clock turned off as the young girl's hand reached up to it. She knocked it off the nightstand, not bothering to catch it. It broke, of course. She had spares, because this sort of thing happened all the time.

She sat up slowly, still tired, wipped the sand from her eyes. She whinced slightly when she heard, "Honey, you need to take your shower, and get ready for-"

She cut off her mother. "I know, Mom! I know!" She threw the covers off her bed in anger, but soon felt happy as she remembered what today was. She was finally going to get her first Pokémon!

It was her family's tradition for members to receive their first Pokémon at the age of twelve.

I ended it there, allowing for space to explain the tradition. And that is how your opening paragraph should look. I bolded small grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes, one of each. Don't worry. I'll help you every step of the way.

-;335;