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Flames Of tyran: M15+ Violence

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Mysterous64

The Black Knight
This is my first fiction so bare with me
Prologue:
A family who had survived the war thought that Drakion spared them. Drakion’s body it was still frozen after Derek and Lance had killed him. His body was jet black and his face had the same shocked expression. There were two twelve year old twin girls and their parents stood before the statue the father, mother and one of the girls began to bow to it. The statue shook and suddenly cracked. Drakion’s sword dropped from his frozen hand and crashed onto the ground. A black light surrounded the frozen body and absorbed the power statue and it lost its colour and eventually melted away. The sword then floated in the air it went into the father’s hand’s grasp. The father fell to his knees and started to gasp touched the blade and the blade’s black aura transferred to the father, his eyes turned red and two black wings came from his back and this gave him power beyond all men he was a vessel for Drakion. His wife and his two children stood and watched, one of his daughters was terrified and the other was amused at her father’s transformation his wife just watched and was neutral to the transformation. Their children were taught to love Drakion and serve him. One of them didn’t while the other was obsessed with serving him. They saved a large group of survivors of the war in exchange for their lives they would train to be soldiers and their children were also trained they made a massive army. Not all these soldiers were professional but they learned quickly under the guidance of the children’s father or as they called him Master Damon. Not every single soldier agreed with the idea of worshipping Drakion but they agreed so they didn’t get killed. Twelve years passed from the day the father was transformed. They formed a new kingdom on Death Peak they trained in secret there for the twelve years after Drakion’s defeat. Meanwhile on mainland a small group of people that survived the war had begun to rebuild their homes. The small village called Ceignus home to a large group of people next to this village was another Keisha which was a little to the South of Ceignus. Dark Nation’s first battalion of soldiers was sent to Keisha they arrived they ordered that the town was to become their own the townsfolk stopped them and they were all slaughtered. Ceignus heard the cries of the people this started the rebellion against the Dark Nation. A man known simply as The Dark Knight started this rebellion in Ceignus the other people in small villages formed from the ruins of Infidel. The rebels attacked and survived on the first to lines with the help of two ex-Dark Nations soldiers. Drakion’s vessel’s daughter was one of them and her good friend they helped the rebels begin the rebellion. The Dark Nation needed to stop these rebels so they can use their lands has camps so they have enough reinforcements to take on Sydrain and Atriath.
 
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Cipher Lord

Pe2ker and Stalker
Um, how do I put this.

First of all, you have atrocious grammar. Your sentences are lacking and you have no idea of how and where to put commas. It is all one big block of text and is not broken up at all. Frankly, it makes my eyes hurt.

Secondly, I cannot follow this at all. You take about a Drakion. Who is he, and who are the people who killed him? Why is the family standing in front of the statue? Where is the statue? What is Death Peak? It makes no sense currently.

And lastly, there is little to no detail. I have no idea how the girls look, the man (for the most part), the wife, and pretty muc everything else. I really need some more info on the surroundings.

This is a good idea, but in the pen of the wrong writer, a perfect idea can turn into a raging hellstorm.
 

Psychic

Really and truly
Closed on request. Please do read Advice for Aspiring Authors, Mysterous64, and be sure to begin a new paragraph every time a new person speaks.

Cipher Lord, please attempt to be more helpful in your reviews in the future. Keep in mind what I have told you about explaining things thuroughly to the writer so they will understand how to improve.

~Psychic
 
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