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Flares of Destiny(PG-13/TV-14)

pokedexfiller

Unova Trainer
Well, I seriously don’t know how to start this thread, so here we go!

We are love, we are hope, we are destiny, we are infinite…


Firstly, we will start with the rating: My story is rated PG-13 or TV-14 for drug use, language, some sexual content (no actual sex will be seen), and violence. Basically anything that will be able to fit in a TV-14 television and nothing worse. The S or F word will never be said, ever.

Second, chapters in here will not be called chapters, but instead episodes, as they are more like episodes than chapters. I will also use the terms seasons instead of books. There will be more than one season.

Third, Each episode will prominently feature flashbacks of a certain character. They, though, will not be thinking back at that time, instead it will be like we are looking at what happened to them previously. Flashback are in italics, but so are thoughts and journal entries. Thought i would ad that so you're not confused.

Fourth, I will post links to seasons and their episodes here. And I will gladly add you to a list to pm you when the next cha-episode, I mean, is up.

Finally, I want to talk about reviews. When reviewing me I ask you to be nice, yet make your point. Yelling and being mean doesn’t help anyone. Also I ask you rate each episode a 1-10 scale, ten being the best.


I would like to dedicate this story to 705030, he was my first friend on serebii and is my best friend on serebii.

Also, I would like to dedicate it pokefan0234, too. She is the sweetest person on serebii. She has given me tons of awesome pokemon, exceptional banners, and she is currently my beta-reader, who helps me on the revision of my story. I couldn’t ask for better beta reader.


Disclaimer: I don't own pokemon(wish i did!) and this is purely a fin fiction piece by me! Please don't steal.

I hope you like my story, now it’s time to get reading!

Prolouge

November 16, 2009,

One hundred and forty five days. That’s how many days have passed since the end of the world. The Pokemon population has dwindled to less than a million left. Normal Pokemon, anyway. And far less people have survived.

There is still no sign of my family, but Gardevoir says that we’ll find them soon. I hope so, but if not, we have a new family now: Kris, Marina, Drake, Angie, Jerry, Mr. Yin, (I hope we find his daughter, too) and all the others here at the camp.

Speaking of camp, this is the third time we’ve moved the base this month. The Infinite are getting stronger and smarter. I don’t know how much longer we can keep running, but we have to protect the kids and the elders. I just can’t shake the feeling that a grand, full-scale war is about to come…

Ho-oh le…

The teenage boy writing in his journal stopped. He was about fifteen years old. He looked up, his medium-cut brown hair swaying when he did so. His dark-brown eyes stopped, and then scanned back over what he had already written. He had good looks that many girls would drool over, but in times of war, things like that didn’t happen much. He didn’t care much about looks, though, and always found it kind of annoying: to love someone just because of their facial or bodily features. The boy closed the journal, exposing his name, Cory.

Cory looked up as he heard a loud bell going off in the distance from his tent deep in the old cavern. He new only to well what the sound he heard so often meant: the Infinite were raiding them once again. But how did they find us so quickly? He thought.

The journal started shaking on the table, and a rattling noise came from beneath his feet. Out of nowhere, something shot right out of the cavern floor and through the table, knocking over an oil lamp and Cory’s journal. The light coming from the lamp flickered out. He was alone in the darkness with a monster he couldn’t even see.

The monster stomped its foot against the ground, sending out a rush of air that made the chair Cory sat in fall over, causing him to go flying out the tent and hit the damp, hard cavern floor heavily.

“AHH!” he cried, landing on a jagged rock that cut into his skin. He could feel the warm blood slowly oozing out of the wound. He was lucky, though; if he had landed only another foot back, he would have been sliced all the way through. He could feel the burning in his back, but only barely, as he didn’t pay as much attention to it as he did the monster coming his way. He turned over onto his stomach, trying to get up. As Cory lifted his legs up, he could feel them wobbling beneath him.

He could feel the ground shaking, not of this monster, but of the groups of people and Pokemon he had been with for so long. They were running around wildly and probably not to much avail. Their screams pierced through the darkness, hurting his ears.

Stomping more, the monster sent another rush of both air and cavern floor at him. This time, Cory held his ground. He could feel it moving closer as it shook the earth, and even though it was dark and he could not see, Cory new it was next to him now. He could feel the hot and rancid breath coming from it. Suddenly, a purple light came from behind the creature, growing brighter as it came closer.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

A direct hit! Something had hit the rabid monster with Confusion. The beast fell backwards, exposing Cory’s savior, Gardevoir. She looked like any regular Gardevoir, except you could tell she was a warrior. Floating a few inches above her hand was an orb of blue fire that illuminated part of the dark cavern, allowing Cory to see the monster.

“Rhyperior...” he breathed.

It was no ordinary Rhyperior, though. It was larger than most of its species. The muscles on the beast were gigantic, bigger than any Machamp’s. It was must have been specially trained by the Infinite for this mission. Cory wondered how it could be taken down in one move, but he knew Gardevoir could do such things, knowing the pressure points on the body and being able to hit close and with enough force.

Cory looked at Gardevoir, “Thanks,” breathing for the first time since he smelt the Rhyperior’s breath.

“Next time, you should be armed,” she replied.

“Well, I didn’t think they would find us so quick. Besides, Kris and his team took most of the guns when they left with Ho-oh.”

More rumbling came from below, followed by even more Pokemon. Cory said, “They’re trying to cave us in, aren’t they?”

Gardevoir nodded.

“I’ll get Swamp and Leaf,” Cory suggested.

“No, I’m going to Teleport all of us out of here,” Gardevoir explained.

“What?!” Cory yelled, “That’s too risky! Everyone in here is moving around too fast! You can’t get any targets locked on, and even if you could, how would you know they are with us?!”

Her only reply was, “I have to try,”

“No, it’s too dangerous. It’s too much for you…” His voice trailed off as the cave shook more and more violently.

“There is no other way. We’re too far in the cave to get out safely in time,” Gardevoir pleaded, “Just trust me. I know what I’m doing…”

“I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Cory said, and Gardevoir took that as a “Go ahead, but you better be very careful!”


She closed her eyes and began to hum. Her body began to glow as she gained power. A bright flash of white light lit the cavern, making everything plain to see, as if they were outside. Dugtrio, Sandslash, and more Rhyperior were digging through the cavern from the ceiling, floor, and walls. People ran like sheep, being herded from one place to another by the Pokemon.

Their screams grew more terrifying, enough to make a grown man cry. They feared the light must have been from an Infinite bomb about to blow. Gardevoir began to lose the light emanating from her. Cory changed his mind, afraid for his Pokemon’s health, “Gardevoir, stop!”

This must have pushed Gardevoir, because the light grew brighter right after he said that. She had to show him she could do this!

Again Cory yelled, “Please, Gardevoir, you are going to hurt yourself!”

It was too late, though. The light grew into a blinding flash and drained out everything around them. Then… total darkness within the cave.

The earth-shattering flash caused the cavern to shake only briefly for once more. The Infinite Pokemon within the cave tried to crawl back into their tunnels they had made, hoping for a safe exit. That was not the case, however, as the cavern collapsed upon every last living thing in the cave, crushing even the sturdy Rhyperior with muscles bigger than any Machamp.
 
Last edited:

ShiniyKecleon

I am the Walrein.
Well, first off, this is very good for a first shot at fanfiction. You set the scene very well, and the atmosphere pulls the reader into the story. Of course, I'm going to point just a few things out to help refine the story.

"He new only to well what the sound he heard so often meant: the Infinite were raiding them once again."

I'm pretty sure the correct structure would be "He knew only too well what the sound meant..." etc, etc. Watch those homonyms.

"A direct hit! Something had hit the rabid monster with Confusion. The beast fell backwards, exposing Cory’s savior, Gardevoir."

I feel that this sentence is a bit awkward. First off, "a direct hit!" doesn't really flow with the situation at hand; the way it's worded makes it look like a battle, not an ambush. The use of an exclamation point, though, worked as a relief method ("oh, we know Cory is safe"), but I'm not sure if that was the feeling you would be going for in this kind of intense scene. I'd take it out entirely, if I were writing this.

Also, how would Cory know that the attack was Confusion if he didn't know that Gardevoir was using it? If I was in a dark cavern being attacked, and suddenly a bright light knocked my assailant out, chances are I wouldn't immediately be thinking about what it was, especially if I wasn't expecting someone to save me.

Now, with the preceding paragraph (if I can call it that) in mind along with this excerpt, how does a Confusion go "Boom?" My view of the attack is some sort of mental disruption on the opposing Pokemon, but even if you think of it as some energy attack, I'm pretty sure an interjection in all caps with the length of half of the line wouldn't properly show the magnitude of such a basic attack.

"...as the cavern collapsed upon every last living thing in the cave, crushing even the sturdy Rhyperior with muscles bigger than any Machamp."

Weird way to end a chapter, to be sure; the Machamp reference didn't really flow well with me. Just my opinion, though. What WOULD bug more people is the idea that you need to state he's being crushed; of *course* he is, he's been knocked out. I don't know of any unconscious Pokemon that can hold up a tunnel crashing down on it.

Anyway, you've done a nice job with this, and I hope to see good work from you in coming weeks.
 

pokedexfiller

Unova Trainer
Well, first off, this is very good for a first shot at fanfiction. You set the scene very well, and the atmosphere pulls the reader into the story. Of course, I'm going to point just a few things out to help refine the story.

"He new only to well what the sound he heard so often meant: the Infinite were raiding them once again."

I'm pretty sure the correct structure would be "He knew only too well what the sound meant..." etc, etc. Watch those homonyms.

"A direct hit! Something had hit the rabid monster with Confusion. The beast fell backwards, exposing Cory’s savior, Gardevoir."

I feel that this sentence is a bit awkward. First off, "a direct hit!" doesn't really flow with the situation at hand; the way it's worded makes it look like a battle, not an ambush. The use of an exclamation point, though, worked as a relief method ("oh, we know Cory is safe"), but I'm not sure if that was the feeling you would be going for in this kind of intense scene. I'd take it out entirely, if I were writing this.

Also, how would Cory know that the attack was Confusion if he didn't know that Gardevoir was using it? If I was in a dark cavern being attacked, and suddenly a bright light knocked my assailant out, chances are I wouldn't immediately be thinking about what it was, especially if I wasn't expecting someone to save me.

Now, with the preceding paragraph (if I can call it that) in mind along with this excerpt, how does a Confusion go "Boom?" My view of the attack is some sort of mental disruption on the opposing Pokemon, but even if you think of it as some energy attack, I'm pretty sure an interjection in all caps with the length of half of the line wouldn't properly show the magnitude of such a basic attack.

"...as the cavern collapsed upon every last living thing in the cave, crushing even the sturdy Rhyperior with muscles bigger than any Machamp."

Weird way to end a chapter, to be sure; the Machamp reference didn't really flow well with me. Just my opinion, though. What WOULD bug more people is the idea that you need to state he's being crushed; of *course* he is, he's been knocked out. I don't know of any unconscious Pokemon that can hold up a tunnel crashing down on it.

Anyway, you've done a nice job with this, and I hope to see good work from you in coming weeks.
Thank you for those nice comments, but ill try to clear up the confusion for you a little.

Sorry about the knew/new thing, i didnt notice that.

"A direct hit! Something had hit the rabid monster with Confusion. The beast fell backwards, exposing Cory’s savior, Gardevoir."

i can see where you think "A direct hit!" wouldn't work.
well see gardevoir is his pokemon, so he would know the move from seeing it so much.
In the game(or at least coloseum) confusion isnt telekinesis but a beam of light so when it hits, boom. and gardevoir is strong so BOOM! not to mention caves echo.

"...as the cavern collapsed upon every last living thing in the cave, crushing even the sturdy Rhyperior with muscles bigger than any Machamp."

i actually thought it fit, but oh well. and no it didnt knock out the rhyperior, it killed them.
and since the rhyperior are rock type and so it a cave, some people might think, 'oh well they could hold up rock, especially a really strong one'
 

Rippingthunder

Well-Known Member
Third, this is not just some stupid, apocalyptic series. Please do not judge it as so. It is much more than that as they aren't just running and fighting, but they have feeling. Also it takes place on the human world and it loosely-based on pokemon, meaning only pokemon and their items really exist. Each episode will prominently feature flashbacks of a certain character. They, though, will not be thinking back at that time, instead it will be like we are looking at what happened to them previously. Flashback are in italics, but so are thoughts and journal entries. This is a mystery story, (with mysteries) not all questions will be answered in the first episode.

This... this paragraph... I loathe this paragraph with my entire being. Most of these are things that you can show us (the readers) through the story itself, it's not like telling us will affect the story itself. If you want to prove that your "stupid, apocalyptic series" is different from the others then prove it through your writing. In fact, this entire paragraph seems built on the idea that the readers won't be able to figure out these things by themselves. I can't think of a single other reason for why this paragraph exists. Now, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Is there any particular reason for this paragraph?

Oh, I nearly forgot to introduce myself. I'm just a passerby that read your story to kill some time. Despite my little rant on the subject, I'm here to review the story (not the paragraph) so let's get to that, shall we?

November 16, 2009,

One hundred and forty five days. That’s how many days have passed since the end of the world. The Pokemon population has dwindled to less than a million left. Normal Pokemon, anyway. And far less people have survived.

There is still no sign of my family, but Gardevoir says that we’ll find them soon. I hope so, but if not, we have a new family now: Kris, Marina, Drake, Angie, Jerry, Mr. Yin, (I hope we find his daughter, too) and all the others here at the camp.

Speaking of camp, this is the third time we’ve moved the base this month. The Infinite are getting stronger and smarter. I don’t know how much longer we can keep running, but we have to protect the kids and the elders. I just can’t shake the feeling that a grand, full-scale war is about to come…

Ho-oh le…

While I see no major problem with the journal entry, it does make me question a few things? First of all, how does the main character know the amounts of Pokémon and people that survived? More importantly, is there any particular reason why he is writing about it exactly 145 days after the end of the world?

Now, I understand this is nit-picking at its finest but you also have to keep in mind that this information is being presented through a journal entry. Precisely because it's a journal entry is why the main character re-iterating this information is important, as it might give us a glimpse of his character, motives, and personality. However, if the information is there exclusively for the exposition then please keep in mind that there are other less awkward ways to present it.

The teenage boy writing in his journal stopped. He was about fifteen years old. He looked up, his medium-cut brown hair swaying when he did so. His dark-brown eyes stopped, and then scanned back over what he had already written. He had good looks that many girls would drool over, but in times of war, things like that didn’t happen much. He didn’t care much about looks, though, and always found it kind of annoying: to love someone just because of their facial or bodily features. The boy closed the journal, exposing his name, Cory.

That part in bold, there's something I don't like about it. You see, the problem I have with your little participial phrase there is that it feels incomplete. I still get what you were going for with that sentence but I really don't see any particular reason for the second comma to even be there.

Cory looked up as he heard a loud bell going off in the distance from his tent deep in the old cavern. He knew only too well what the sound he heard so often meant: the Infinite were raiding them once again. But how did they find us so quickly? he thought.

ixe the two spelling mistakes, I am aware that the new/knewthing was already covered by another reviewer. Also, the 'H' in 'he' doesn't need to be capitalized in this instance as, if I recall correctly, thoughts follow the same rules as dialogue (Someone please correct me if I'm wrong).

The monster stomped its foot against the ground, sending out a rush of air that made the chair Cory sat in fall over, causing him to go flying out the tent and hit the damp, hard cavern floor heavily.

About the underlined bit (Look at the commas if you can't find it), I'd suggest replacing the comma with an and as, the way it is now, the him following causing is reffering to the monster instead of Cory (I know it doesn't make sense in context but that's how it works grammatically). Also, it feels like you're trying to lenghten the sentence on purpose after causing him. More words don't necessarily mean a more vivid image. While they imply a more detailed image, sometimes less words can be used for a bigger impact. If I had to give you an example (using your own sentence):

"... causing him to go flying out the tent and into the damp cavern floor."

It might not be the best example (It's not like I'm a master of the written language either) but hopefully it's enough to give you an idea of where I'm going with this.

He could feel the ground shaking, not of this monster, but of the groups of people and Pokemon he had been with for so long. They were running around wildly and probably not to much avail. Their screams pierced through the darkness, hurting his ears.

It may just be me, but I've never heard of using of to imply cause-effect before. I'd suggest adding because before the of in both bolded sections (Although if you do this I'd also advise changing one of the two because ofs with something else so it doesn't become repetitive). By doing this, the meaning of the sentence becomes clearer.

Stomping more, the monster sent another rush of both air and cavern floor at him. This time, Cory held his ground. He could feel it moving closer as it shook the earth, and even though it was dark and he could not see, Cory knew it was next to him now. He could feel the hot and rancid breath coming from it. Suddenly, a purple light came from behind the creature, growing brighter as it came closer.

The only problem I have with this paragraph is that I can't tell (after the first sentence) whether you're talking about the monster or the attack when you say it. There are some implications for one or the other around the paragraph but it could definitely use some clearing up.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

Single words like this, including sound effects, can be used to great effect in the written medium. In this instance, however, the impact of this word is much lower for a couple of reasons. These have to do with the presentation. You see, the amount of letters (and especially exclamation marks) makes it seem sort of infantile. Coupled with the fact that, based on your introduction, you seem to relate your story more to the visual medium very peculiarly and it comes off as if you weren't even attempting to reach the maximum impact of this single word. The somewhat childish presentation doesn't help when the story had been doing a fine job at taking itself seriously up until this point.

A direct hit! Something had hit the rabid monster with Confusion. The beast fell backwards, exposing Cory’s savior, Gardevoir. She looked like any regular Gardevoir, except you could tell she was a warrior. Floating a few inches above her hand was an orb of blue fire that illuminated part of the dark cavern, allowing Cory to see the monster.

My problem with the bolded part is similar to the one the other reviewer had, the differences between mine and his/her version of the problem have more to do with perspective. From his point of view A direct hit! makes the ambush look like a battle. Meanwhile, from my point of view, A direct hit! alters the suspenseful mood and atmosphere that you had set up and changes it into a more action-like setting. Unless you were going for this alteration, then you could say that all it did was kill the previous mood.

“Rhyperior...” he breathed.

Breathed isn't a speech verb so it doesn't work here. Might I suggest changing it into something else like whispered or muttered (the latter one seems most appropriate in this situation).

It was no ordinary Rhyperior, though. It was larger than most of its species. The muscles on the beast were gigantic, bigger than any Machamp’s. It was must have been specially trained by the Infinite for this mission. Cory wondered how it could be taken down in one move, but he knew Gardevoir could do such things, knowing the pressure points on the body and being able to hit close and with enough force.

The way you're presenting the bolded part of the sentence, it's talking about a what-if scenario. If you want it to talk about an event that already happened change it to have been taken.

About the pressure points... meh, if hot-blooded men with obscenely large muscles could kill by using pressure points then I'll accept your explanation too...

She closed her eyes and began to hum. Her body began to glow as she gained power. A bright flash of white light lit the cavern, making everything plain to see, as if they were outside. Dugtrio, Sandslash, and more Rhyperior were digging through the cavern from the ceiling, floor, and walls. People ran like sheep, being herded from one place to another by the Pokemon.

The two bolded parts are nothing major, just minor nit-picks. It just feels like there could have been a better way to present these little bits within their individual context. It's just a personal nit-pick so you only have to do something about it if you feel like it.

The earth-shattering flash caused the cavern to shake only briefly for once more. The Infinite Pokemon within the cave tried to crawl back into their tunnels they had made, hoping for a safe exit. That was not the case, however, as the cavern collapsed upon every last living thing in the cave, crushing even the sturdy Rhyperior with muscles bigger than any Machamp.

Like the other reviewer, I don't really see the point of this piece of description. This is especially so because it is basically a repeat of the exact same description you had used for the Rhyperior previously, making it seem rather redundant.

Now that we've gotten all that out of the way, let's talk a bit about the content of the story. There are lots of things where I can't say much, if only because it's a prologue. Like the two characters, for example. Maybe it was because of the short lenght but I could not really get a feel for either character's personality at all. I mean, there are some vague hints pointing in a particular direction but the problem is (especially with the main character) that there are multiple vague hints pointing in multiple directions.

The setting seems interesting, but I'll still have to wait to see what truly makes it different from other "stupid, apocalyptic series" as, right now, it appears to share some of the more common traits.

Another thing that helps is that, overall, your writing style definitely seems above average. I don't know if it was thanks to your beta or if it's naturally like that but at least it managed to hold my attention throughout the entire chapter.

I'll close this review by mentioning that it reflects my opinion and nothing more, so it's up to you how seriously you decide to take it.
 

pokedexfiller

Unova Trainer
This... this paragraph... I loathe this paragraph with my entire being. Most of these are things that you can show us (the readers) through the story itself, it's not like telling us will affect the story itself. If you want to prove that your "stupid, apocalyptic series" is different from the others then prove it through your writing. In fact, this entire paragraph seems built on the idea that the readers won't be able to figure out these things by themselves. I can't think of a single other reason for why this paragraph exists. Now, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Is there any particular reason for this paragraph?

Oh, I nearly forgot to introduce myself. I'm just a passerby that read your story to kill some time. Despite my little rant on the subject, I'm here to review the story (not the paragraph) so let's get to that, shall we?
ok well i've notcied before people judge stuff according to that a lot with stories like mine. but i have deleted it as i want to give you the benefit of the doubt this time. but i kept the flashback bit as not to vonfuse readers.

While I see no major problem with the journal entry, it does make me question a few things? First of all, how does the main character know the amounts of Pokémon and people that survived? More importantly, is there any particular reason why he is writing about it exactly 145 days after the end of the world?

Now, I understand this is nit-picking at its finest but you also have to keep in mind that this information is being presented through a journal entry. Precisely because it's a journal entry is why the main character re-iterating this information is important, as it might give us a glimpse of his character, motives, and personality. However, if the information is there exclusively for the exposition then please keep in mind that there are other less awkward ways to present it.
well thats were my story starts, day 145. and not really the world ended(i dont think thats what you mean but just in case). and the knowing population, well it may or may not be precise, but it is based on how much he knows at the time.
That part in bold, there's something I don't like about it. You see, the problem I have with your little participial phrase there is that it feels incomplete. I still get what you were going for with that sentence but I really don't see any particular reason for the second comma to even be there.

i see, ill edit it.
ixe the two spelling mistakes, I am aware that the new/knewthing was already covered by another reviewer. Also, the 'H' in 'he' doesn't need to be capitalized in this instance as, if I recall correctly, thoughts follow the same rules as dialogue (Someone please correct me if I'm wrong).
again ill fix it.
About the underlined bit (Look at the commas if you can't find it), I'd suggest replacing the comma with an and as, the way it is now, the him following causing is reffering to the monster instead of Cory (I know it doesn't make sense in context but that's how it works grammatically). Also, it feels like you're trying to lenghten the sentence on purpose after causing him. More words don't necessarily mean a more vivid image. While they imply a more detailed image, sometimes less words can be used for a bigger impact. If I had to give you an example (using your own sentence):

"... causing him to go flying out the tent and into the damp cavern floor."

It might not be the best example (It's not like I'm a master of the written language either) but hopefully it's enough to give you an idea of where I'm going with this.
uh oh, i see that. well ill find a way to fix it.
It may just be me, but I've never heard of using of to imply cause-effect before. I'd suggest adding because before the of in both bolded sections (Although if you do this I'd also advise changing one of the two because ofs with something else so it doesn't become repetitive). By doing this, the meaning of the sentence becomes clearer.
well i see nothing wrong with it, but if i get anymore things about it i will change it.
The only problem I have with this paragraph is that I can't tell (after the first sentence) whether you're talking about the monster or the attack when you say it. There are some implications for one or the other around the paragraph but it could definitely use some clearing up.
okie dokie, it was the monster. but ill fix it.
Single words like this, including sound effects, can be used to great effect in the written medium. In this instance, however, the impact of this word is much lower for a couple of reasons. These have to do with the presentation. You see, the amount of letters (and especially exclamation marks) makes it seem sort of infantile. Coupled with the fact that, based on your introduction, you seem to relate your story more to the visual medium very peculiarly and it comes off as if you weren't even attempting to reach the maximum impact of this single word. The somewhat childish presentation doesn't help when the story had been doing a fine job at taking itself seriously up until this point.
as i said earlier, if you have ever been in a cave, they echo at the littlest sounds making them sound big. now imagine a big thing and how big it would be when it echoed.

My problem with the bolded part is similar to the one the other reviewer had, the differences between mine and his/her version of the problem have more to do with perspective. From his point of view A direct hit! makes the ambush look like a battle. Meanwhile, from my point of view, A direct hit! alters the suspenseful mood and atmosphere that you had set up and changes it into a more action-like setting. Unless you were going for this alteration, then you could say that all it did was kill the previous mood.
well it was a direct hit, not a miss.

Breathed isn't a speech verb so it doesn't work here. Might I suggest changing it into something else like whispered or muttered (the latter one seems most appropriate in this situation).
i believe i have heard breathed before, so again, unless i have another comment on it, i prefer it stay.


The way you're presenting the bolded part of the sentence, it's talking about a what-if scenario. If you want it to talk about an event that already happened change it to have been taken.

About the pressure points... meh, if hot-blooded men with obscenely large muscles could kill by using pressure points then I'll accept your explanation too...
ill change it

The two bolded parts are nothing major, just minor nit-picks. It just feels like there could have been a better way to present these little bits within their individual context. It's just a personal nit-pick so you only have to do something about it if you feel like it.
they work, and i think they are okay, so i think ill keep them. but if there is another comment about it then ill change it

Like the other reviewer, I don't really see the point of this piece of description. This is especially so because it is basically a repeat of the exact same description you had used for the Rhyperior previously, making it seem rather redundant.
i actually like it as it is a reference back into the story and i want to keep it.
Now that we've gotten all that out of the way, let's talk a bit about the content of the story. There are lots of things where I can't say much, if only because it's a prologue. Like the two characters, for example. Maybe it was because of the short lenght but I could not really get a feel for either character's personality at all. I mean, there are some vague hints pointing in a particular direction but the problem is (especially with the main character) that there are multiple vague hints pointing in multiple directions.
mystery story, with mysteries. but it will become clear in episdoe 1 what he is somewhat like.
The setting seems interesting, but I'll still have to wait to see what truly makes it different from other "stupid, apocalyptic series" as, right now, it appears to share some of the more common traits.
nooo!!! oh well, it doesnt as you will see later on it is much different. but i would like to know the common traits.
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Another thing that helps is that, overall, your writing style definitely seems above average. I don't know if it was thanks to your beta or if it's naturally like that but at least it managed to hold my attention throughout the entire chapter.

I'll close this review by mentioning that it reflects my opinion and nothing more, so it's up to you how seriously you decide to take it
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i consider it both of us who make it 'above average' and i thank you for that comment. i will take it seroiusly as you took time to review my story.

again thank you.
 
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