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Fleur and Sirius at Hogwarts

Eileen

Queen of Orudoran
See the correctly formated version at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2685463/1/

This is a long chapter... btw

Disclaimer: Fanfic is based on the Book, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix. This fanfic is also based to the film of the Goblet of Fire, although most of the movie is based from the book. Beware! If you haven’t read book 4 or 5, you may spoiling the story. You have been warned.

This fanfic will spoil the processor, Fleur’s Love with Pad foot. Please read this first before reading this.

Genre: Romance/General

Main Characters: Gabrielle Delacour, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Fleur “Delacour” Black and Sirius Black.

Chapter 1 – Arrival at Hogwarts

As Harry and his friends get onto the Hogwarts Express in Platform 9 3.4.

“Sorry Harry,” said Hermione “But you will have to sit without us. We have to do duty in the train since we are prefects.”

“I too,” said Ron “See ya later Harry!”

“See ya later then,” said Harry.

Then he finds an apartment on the train and when he gets in, Sirius and Fleur were kissing each other. Fleur was wearing a fancy dress.

“What are you doing, Sirius,” asked Harry with a surprised look.

“Oh,” said Sirius. He took his lips off Fleur. “We were kissing.”

“Oh,” said Harry.

“’Arry Potter!” yelled Fleur “It’s neece to cee you ‘ary. I heard that my seester is going to participate in the Tri-School Quidditch Cup Tournament which is going to be held at ‘ogwarts.”

“Forgot to tell you Harry,” said Sirius “There only can be one team at Hogwarts that can participate in the Tournament. That means that there is a house Quidditch tournament. If a team wins, they get to participate in the Tournament.”

“Oh,” said Harry,

Harry was interrupted by Ginny and a girl with Dirty Blond hair with a dreamy look when they open the door.

“Hi Harry!” said Ginny. She gasps. “Not Pleg….”

“Don’t call her that,” said Sirius” That is rude, Ginny.”

“Sorry,” Ginny apologizes to Fleur. Ginny still didn’t like that fact that Sirius had married Fleur.

“T’ats okay,” said Fleur in a throaty voice.

“Hi Harry, Sirius, and Fleur,” said Luna Lovegood “My name is Luna Lovegood.”

She sits in the seats and starts reading a copy of The Quibbler. Harry asks if he could read the article in The Quibbler. Luna gives Harry The Quibbler that she had to Harry. Harry takes a look on an article in the magazine about Fleur.

The Quibbler
“Important Stories the Public Needs to Know”

Fleur’s Disastrous Failure in the Triwizard Tournament.
Fleur Delacour fails to emerge from the competition.


Beauxbatons Tri-wizard Tournament Failure
Shortly after the last Tri-wizard tournament was held in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, there is a shocking surprise. The champion who came in last place since all the tasks were a failure is Fleur Delacour.

This breathtakingly beautiful, part Veela witch fails to emerge with success in the tournament. She fails to subdue a dragon, save her sister from the Merpeople (Harry had to save her sister), and failed in the last task, the maze. We all know that all the girls who were from Beauxbatons were very disappointed on her poor performance of the tournament.


“’ey!” yelled Fleur “’ow can they wreete bad theengs about me like that?” She throws her hair back.

“I don’t believe this Quibbler rubbish,” said Sirius “Everyone knows that.”

“Hey!” said Luna “My father works for The Quibbler. It’s a non-profit Organization.” She grabs the Quibbler from Harry’s hand. “My father is an editor for The Quibbler.”

“I bet Fleur is embarrassed from that article,” Ginny giggles.

Fleur blushes after Harry read the Article. Hermione and Ron came back from duty.

“Hi Sirius and Fleur,” said Hermione “Harry, what is that the girl is holding in her hands?”

“The Quibbler,” Harry answered.

“The Quibbler?” asked Hermione “The Quibbler’s rubbish. Everyone knows that.”

“Hey!” yelled Luna “Don’t insult my precious Quibbler. My father works for The Quibbler.”

“Oh,” said Hermione “Sorry then.”

“How are you Ron?” asked Harry.

“Okay, I guess,” answers Ron “but Malfoy won’t stop saying remarks about my family.”

“Don’t worry Ron,” said Harry “Draco is always like that, just ignoring him.”

“Why is Fleur blushing?” asked Ron.

“She got embarrassed by the article in The Quibbler,” answered Harry.

“Why last night, Harry, your scar hurt?” said Hermione

“Voldemort plans to kill more people in Britain in my dream,” said Harry “All the Death Eaters were there too.”

“This is bad,” said Sirius “The ministry isn’t doing anything about this. The Daily Prophet has been discrediting you, Harry. They are afraid to tell that You-know-who is back. They even said that the death of Cedric was an accident when it’s actually murder from Voldemort’s followers.”

“When you are going to keess me Sirius?” said Fleur.

“I will, after I speak to Harry,” answered Sirius “Harry, you need to stop dreaming these dreams about Voldemort. It can mislead you. I want to keep you safe from harms way.”

“Okay,” said Harry.

Then Sirius kisses Fleur. Everyone else in the compartment gasps while they were kissing. Ginny was jealous of them because she doesn’t have a boyfriend to kiss.

“Thees was great,” said Fleur “I love you sooo much, Sirius.”

“I love you too, Fleur,” said Sirius.

“They make a good couple,” said Hermione.

“Huh?” said Ron.

“You will understand when you get yourself a girlfriend, Ron,” said Hermione.

“A what,” asked Ron “a girlfriend? It’s hard to get one, Hermione.”

“It’s not hard as you think, Ron,” answered Hermione.

The train is almost at Hogwarts. They change into their uniforms and got off the Hogwarts Express Then they got onto the carriage that will bring them to Hogwarts.

“What are those moving the carriage?” asked Ron “They look horseless.”

“Those are Thestrals,” answered Luna “You only can see them if you see someone die.”

“Oh,” said Ron with a strange look to Luna.

Soon, the carriage arrives at the entrance to Hogwarts. Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Ron, and Luna get out of the carriage and enter Hogwarts. Luna split up and went to the Ravenclaw table and Ginny, Ron, Harry, and Hermione sits at the Gryffindor table. Dumbledore gets ready for his speech and went up to the podium.

“I have an important announcement today,” said Dumbledore “This year, Hogwarts will be holding the Tri-School Quidditch Tournament,” said Dumbledore “This tournament is a big Quidditch tournament with the other 2 schools, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. Not only this tournament will have a big Quidditch Games against these schools, but challenges that involves with using the broomstick and Quidditch skills to achieve and accomplish the tasks, This tournament will start on October 31st. Quidditch teams for Hogwarts representation will be chosen by a House Cup tournament to decide which two teams will complete in this years Tri-School Quidditch Tournament. Second announcement, as you know, Professor Sprout has retired from Hogwarts. Our replacement for her is Fleur Delacour Black. She was the Champion from Beauxbatons in the Tri-Wizard Tournament. ”

Fleur, with her beautiful dress stands up and everyone started to clap. Fleur was smiling while everyone was clapping. Then she sits down after everyone stops clapping.

“What a loser of a teacher,” said Malfoy.

“Third Announcement,” said Dumbledore “Our new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher was proven a fake last year. Our new replacement for our Defense against the Dark Arts teacher is Sirius Black.”

Everyone clapped as Sirius gets up from his chair. After the clapping, he sits down.

“Last Announcement, this school year, there will be a Yule Ball on Christmas day with the other schools participating in the Tri-School Quidditch Tournament,” said Dumbledore “Anyways, yet the feast begin!”

Food appeared on the table. Everyone started to eat.

“Harry,” said Hermione “How are you going to get into the Quidditch Tournament.”

“I guess the Gryffindor Quidditch captain knows,” said Harry.

“We will win this tournament,” said Fred.

“So Gryffindor will have fame,” said George.

“Doesn’t the Quidditch team need a new Keeper?” asked Hermione “Ron, why don’t you try out.”

“I don’t know,” said Ron “I may not be good enough.”

“Give it a try Ron,” said Hermione “Don’t give up sooooo easily.”

Meanwhile at the staff table, Sirius was speaking to Fleur.

“Oh no,” said Fleur “Not another Yule Ball.” She tosses her silvery blond hair back.

“Well,” said Sirius “At least you got someone to take out to the ball.”

Severus gives a dirty look to Sirius.

“Talking about things that you are against the rules, Sirius,” said Snape.

“There is nothing against the rule about conversation about the Yule Ball, Severus,” said Sirius.

As the feast ends, Hermione and Ron left to take the First Year Gryffindor students to the common room. Harry, Fred, George, and Ginny went to their common room right after the First Year students left. They met Hermione and Ron at the common room. Then they got off to bed.

Meanwhile, in a private Staff Bedroom, Sirius and Fleur was getting ready for bed.

“An ‘ule Ball,” said Fleur “I vander vat dress to vear.”

“Fleur,” said Sirius “The Yule Ball is 3 months away, so you don’t need to worry about it. Yets go to sleep.”
 

Eileen

Queen of Orudoran
Full formatted copy at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2685463/1/

Chapter 2 The Beauxbatons Champions

The next day, Fleur was skimming inside The Quibbler and found interesting facts.

“Come ‘ere Sirius,” yelled Fleur “I found something amazing.”

“What is it?” said Sirius.

The Quibbler

Beauxbatons Quidditch Team makes up for failure in the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

A Beauxbatons Quidditch team makes the champions for the 18th time in schools history. The team is directed by Quidditch Captain, Angelia Quick, currently and 14 years old. She is a part-veela with long brown hair, gray eyes, light skin and breathtaking beauty. Also, the Seeker on the Beauxbatons Quidditch team, Gabrielle Delacour, which is Fleur’ Delacour’s sister.

“Err,” said Sirius “your sister is a Seeker?”

“U deedn’t know?” asked Fleur

“No, I haven’t,” answered Sirius.

Fleur puts down The Quibbler and dressed up for breakfast. Sirius dresses up for breakfast and he gives a kiss to her.

Meanwhile in the Gryffindor Common Room, Harry and Ron woke up and changed into their uniforms for the breakfast in the Great Hall.

“Read this Harry and Ron,” said Hermione “This is important.” She holds up the front page of The Daily Prophet.”

“What is it?” asked Ron.

“An important article affecting us,” answered Hermione.

They gather around Hermione’s Daily Prophet and read the Article.

New Hogwarts High Inquisitor has been added to Hogwarts Staff

The Ministry of Magic yesterday passed another Educational Decree 23 to add a Hogwarts High Inquisitor for Hogwarts. The Hogwarts High Inquisitor can pass Educational Decrees and sack undesirable teachers that are not qualified for the job. The Inquisitor is designed to keep the School in top standards. Lastly, in the event that something happens to the Headmaster and unable to do the job, the Inquisitor will take his/her place. The Hogwarts Inquisitor which is elected is Dolores Jane Umbridge.

“Not this lady,” said Hermione “She is horrible.”

“What lady?” asked Harry “Is it the person who wants to stop the Tournament?”

“Yes,” answered Hermione

“I am going to so hate this Umbridge,” said Fred “She will ruin the fun for us.”

“Yes,” said George “We should give Umbridge hell if she stops the tournament.”

“Harry,” said Hermione “I found an interesting article for you to read.” She holds a copy of Witch’s Weekly.”

Gabrielle’s Celebrity Crush

By Rita Skeeter

Gabrielle Delacour, a part veela girl with blond hair, blue eyes, light skin, and breathtaking beauty was saved by the famous Harry Potter in the 2nd task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Gabrielle develops a strong crush on Harry after she was rescued. Gabrielle sends she seems to send love letters to Harry with some use of love potion.

“No,” yelled Harry “She is really?”

“Yes, Harry,” answered Hermione “You should ask Fleur.”

“I will,” said Harry.

As they left the Great Hall, Harry checks the bulletin board.

Beauxbatons Quidditch Team

Captain: Angelia Quick

Seeker: Gabrielle Delacour

Then Harry stopped. Harry was shocked that Fleur’s little sister was on the Quidditch team. Harry goes up for Defence against the Dark Arts class.

“I didn’t know that Gabrielle was on the Quidditch team?” asked Harry.

“She is,” answered Hermione “Fleur told me.”

“Oh,” said Harry.

Then Sirius entered the room with his magnificent dress robes.

“Welcome class,” said Sirius “My name is Sirius Black and I will be your Defence against the Dark Arts Teacher. I know you haven’t learn anything valuable last year because of the imposter, so I will catch you up so you will be ready for the O.W.Ls”

“Excuse me,” said Ron “What are OWLs?”

“OWLS stands for Ordinary Wizarding Levels” answered Sirius “The O.W.Ls is the test you take in 5th year to determine what class you can take at N.E.W.T level. There are 6 grades you can get.” He writes on the chalk board.

Possible Grades you can get on O.W.L.s

Passing

O – Outstanding

E – Exceeds Expectations

A - Acceptable

Failing

P – Poor

D – Dreadful

T – Troll

“Troll is the worst grade you can get,” said Sirius while putting the chalk down. “I suggest practicing your spells from Year 1 to do well on the O.W.L.s. We are out of time, so Class Dismissed.”

All the students left except Harry. Harry goes up to Sirius Black.

“What’s bothering you, Harry?” asked Sirius

“Well,” said Harry “I read an article in the Witch’s Weekly and I found out that Gabrielle has a crush on me and also she is on the Quidditch team.”

“Oh,” said Sirius “Didn’t you know that Gabrielle Delacour has a crush on you since you saved her in the 2nd task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament? I thought Fleur told you already.”

“No, she haven’t,” answered Harry

Harry said goodbye to Sirius and goes up to the Common Room to talk with his friends. Then Fred and George confront Harry with their new product.

“What are those?” asked Harry

“Those are Skiving Snackboxes,” answered Fred.

“They are range of sweets to make you sick with different kind of illness,” said George

“There are many varieties of the Skiving Snackboxes,” said Fred “There is Fever Fudge, Fainting Fancy, Nosebleed Nougat and Puking Pastilles.”

“The colored snack box is used to get yourself sick,” said George “Then you can leave class early and use the healing snack box to heal yourself in the Hospital Wing and your rest of the day is yours.”

“We are still working out some quirks in our product,” said Fred “We still haven’t work out our Nosebleed Nougat.”

“Oh,” said Harry while looking at the Skiving Snackboxes. Then he sits near Hermione and Ron.

“How are you doing Harry?” asked Hermione

“Fine,” answered Harry “I finally found out the truth about Fleur’s sister.”

“Oh,” said Hermione “I hope this won’t affect your relationship with Cho Chang.”

“I hope that Rita doesn’t create a love triangle for me,” said Harry

“We know she won’t,” said Hermione.

It was soon time for Dinner. Hermione, Ron, and Harry gets ready and went down to the Great Hall for dinner. Harry was anxious that something bad will happen tonight.
 

Eileen

Queen of Orudoran
Longest Chapter to date

Full formatted copy at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2685463/1/

Chapter 3 – Full of Phlegm

As Sirius went to the staff table with Fleur, Sirius was very suspicious. When they got to the table to where they sit, Umbridge was sitting next to the chairs that they sit every time in the Great Hall. Sirius gives a dirty look to Umbridge, a short squat woman with mousy brown hair.

“I am suspicious of this new Umbridge lady,” said Sirius to Fleur “I have many suspicions that this lady will do some evil.”

“That lady?” asked Fleur “I deedn’t know that Umbreedge become an ‘ogwarts staff.”

“She became inquisitor,” answered Sirius “I read it on the Daily Prophet.” Sirius and Fleur sit down and they kissed each other. Their kissing was interrupted by Umbridge.

“Hem… Hem…” said Umbridge “Kissing is not allowed at Hogwarts, dear.”

“Are you questioning about my authority?” asked Sirius.

“Detention Sirius!” said Umbridge in a sweet voice.

“’ey!” yelled Fleur “You can’t geeve my Sirius a detention!”

“Yes I can,” said Umbridge “I am Inquisitor and I can give punishments to anyone, including you. You can’t even speak English correctly!”

Then Fleur slaps Umbridge in the face for that insult about her. Then they started to fight. Minerva gets out of her seat and tries to stop the fight.

“Stop fighting, both of you,” yelled Professor McGonagall. Then they stopped fighting. “This is not the place to fight. I ensure you Umbridge, if you give teachers detention, then you will be sacked from Hogwarts. Since you gave Sirius a detention, I will transfer it to Harry and also Ron instead of having a teacher do a detention with you.”

McGonagall walks away and sits back into her chair. Umbridge, Fleur, and Sirius do the same.

When Harry, Ron, and Hermione went into the Great hall, Professor McGonagall approaches them.

“I need to see Harry and Ron for one minute,” said Professor McGonagall

“What did I do wrong, Professor?” asked Ron and Harry

“Nothing,” said Professor McGonagall “but Sirius and his wife got into an argument with Umbridge. Fleur, Sirius’s wife then got into a fight with Umbridge for insulting her because she doesn’t speak English correctly. The inquisitor cannot give detentions to teachers so I was asked to transfer the detentions to you two.”

“What?” said Harry “A detention?”

“Yes, Potter,” said Professor McGonagall “Your detentions with Umbridge will happen every night at 5 PM to 8 PM for 3 days. Please try not to provoke Umbridge.” Then she walked back to the Staff table while Harry and Ron took a seat at the Gryffindor table.

“This is not fair that Umbridge gave us detentions,” said Harry

“This Umbridge lady is driving me mad,” said Ron

“Why does Sirius have to kiss Phlegm?” asked Ginny in disgust.

“Don’t call her that,” said Hermione “That’s Sirius’s love, Ginny. Don’t get Harry mad.”

“Fine, but I still thought that their marriage is wrong,” said Ginny.

“What happened to you Harry?” asked Hermione “Why you and Ron got a detention?”

“Well,” said Harry “Sirius was kissing Fleur and Umbridge told him that kissing isn’t allowed at Hogwarts and Sirius said that she was questioning his authority and Umbridge have Sirius a detention. Then Fleur defended Sirius by saying “You can’t give my Sirius a detention!” Umbridge responded that she can with her powers and that Fleur can’t speak English correctly. Then they got into a fight.”

“Oh,” said Hermione “That was mean for Umbridge to do that. People who are in love should be able to kiss each other. Also…”

She was interrupted by Cho Chang. Harry seemed to look happy when he saw her. She was a beautiful Chinese girl from Ravenclaw

“Harry!” yelled Hermione “Are you even listening.”

“Hi Harry,” said Cho.

Ron stares at her and he was thinking about himself and Cho kissing each other. His thought was interrupted by Ginny.

“Snap out of it Ron!” yelled Ginny “That’s not you’re type Ron.”

“I don’t care,” said Ron

“Hi Cho,” said Harry.

“You are so brave and courageous, Harry,” said Cho “about Cedric…”

Cho still haven’t gotten over Cedric Diggory’s death in the Graveyard.

“Do you want to go on a date when we go to our first Hogsmede weekend?” asked Cho.

“Sure,” said Harry.

Then Malfoy came to Harry Potter with his friends, Crabbe and Goyle.

“Potter!” yelled Malfoy “You got yourself a new girlfriend!”

“Leave him alone,” said Cho.

“Well, you must be Cho Chang,” said Malfoy “Do you miss Cedric? What a loser.”

Cho Chang started to cry after Draco mentioned his name with an insult. Harry comforts her while Draco was smiling.

“Leave them alone!” yelled Hermione.

“No one asked you to stand up for them, you filthy little mudblood,” snarled Malfoy.

Then Hermione punches Malfoy in the stomach and Malfoy and his friends run away.

Then Umbridge got out of her seat and ran to Hermione.

“Detention, Granger!” said Umbridge in a sweet voice “For punching another student.”

“What,” said Hermione “He deserves it!”

“We do not hem hem… punch other students,” said Umbridge “Your detention will start tomorrow at 6 PM.”

Then Umbridge leaves while Hermione sits back down. Cho finally stopped sobbing.

“Thanks for defending me Harry,” said Cho “I have to go, bye!” She kisses Harry on the cheek and she goes back to the Ravenclaw table.

Then Fleur walked up to Harry, carrying a letter. She was smiling.

My seester sent you a letter, ‘arry,” said Fleur throwing her Silvery Blond hair to the back. Fleur hands Harry a pink envelope. It had a sensational smell.

Harry opens the letter and he was in shock.

“What is it Harry?” asked Hermione.

“A love letter,” answered Harry. Then he reads the letter.

Dear Harry,

I love you sooooo much Harry, since the day you saved me in the Tri-Wizard Tournament. You are sooooo handsome and brave to save me. I can’t stop talking about you which drive my sister crazy. I have a crush on you ever since.

I wish we can go on a date so we can have our first kiss, Harry, my sweetheart!

Love you lots,

Gabrielle Delacour

Harry was shocked after he read that letter. Fleur was smiling while Harry was in distress. Hermione, Ron, and Ginny were surprised after Harry read the letter.

“But Harry,” said Hermione “Don’t you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes,” answered Harry “but I never expect this to happen.”

“We never expect this to happen, Harry,” said Hermione

“Probably Phlegm wrote that letter,” said Ginny.

“Don’t call her that, Ginny,” said Hermione “I checked the handwriting and it’s Gabrielle who wrote it.”

“No,” said Harry “isn’t Fleur being a bit too dismissive that I already have a girlfriend.”

“Probably she didn’t know,” said Hermione “She has been a bit haughty lately, with her new job and such. She is too overconfident.”

“Or maybe Phlegm spends too much time with Sirius,” said Ginny in a nasty way.

“Ginny!” yelled Hermione “You need to stop calling her that, it’s Sirius’s wife.”

“Sorry Harry,” said Ginny sweetly.

“No problem,” said Harry.

After they eat dinner, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny went back to the common room. Harry checks the bulletin board and sees a new decree.

----- By the Order of -----
The High Inquisitor of Hogwarts

Education Decree 23

Kissing and Making out in the Great Hall is prohibited. Anyone kissing or making out with another student in the Great Hall (except teachers and staff) and caught by the High Inquisitor will be rewarded a detention with Umbridge
Signed by Dolores Jane Umbridge

Educational Decree 24

The High Inquisitor will henceforth have supreme authority over all punishments, sanctions, and removal of privileges pertaining to the students of Hogwarts, and the power to alter such punishments, sanctions, and removals of privileges as may have been ordered by other staff members.
Signed by Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic

“No Way!!” yelled Ron “No Kissing in the Great Hall? That is very unfair!”

“This Umbridge is getting out of control!” said Hermione “these rules are not fair.”

“Well,” said Harry “We better get off to bed.”

Then Ron and Harry go into the boy’s dormitories while the others go to their dormitories.

The next morning, Harry, Ron, and Hermione went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. They took a seat at the Gryffindor table. Hermione takes out a copy of The Daily Prophet and she read more bad things about Harry.

“Look at this Harry,” said Hermione.

Breakout at Azkaban Prison

Lately, there were reports that Death Eaters which escaped Azkaban Prison. We are still not sure who might have done it. The ministry was interviewed today and they said that Voldemort did not let them out; it was one of the people from a secret party who is plotting this massive escape of Death Eaters from Azkaban prison. Azkaban Prison used to hold one of the most dangerous wizards, Sirius Black, which has been released with the capture of Peter Pettigrew for killing Lily and James Potter on Halloween of 1981. He was given the Dementors kissed the day after Sirius was declared innocent. The Ministry refuses to say any comments about this recent accident.

“The Daily Prophet is being biased,” said Harry “They won’t tell the truth that you-know-who is back.”

“Well, its tough, Harry,” said Hermione.

Meanwhile at the staff table, Fleur was arguing at Umbridge after she was caught kissing Sirius.

“Hem Hem…” said Umbridge “Did I tell you already that Kissing is not allowed at Hogwarts.”

“Et’s not fair that you won’t let me kiss Sirius,” complained Fleur.

“Hem Hem…” said Umbridge “Well; you are a filthy half breed. I hate Veelas. Shoo.” She takes her wand out.

“You are not going to stun my wife,” yelled Sirius. He takes out his wand.

“Yes I will,” said Umbridge “I have the power to do so.”

“Cut it out, both of you,” said Professor McGonagall “This is not the place to fright.”

Then Umbridge walks away. Fleur was crying and Sirius was comforting her. Umbridge while walking away, smiled like a toad.

“What’s wrong, my love?” asked Sirius to Fleur.

“Umbreedge called me a feelthy half breed,” sobbed Fleur.

“Don’t worry, my love,” said Sirius “I will make sure that Umbridge won’t do that again.”

Everyone was staring at Umbridge for the violence caused by Umbridge. Harry knew that Umbridge will do something to harm his godfather and his wife. Harry feels angry inside his heart with Umbridge. He couldn’t stop the anger after the scene Umbridge caused.
 

indigestible_wad

Well-Known Member
Well I would say this definitely needs improving. Both in grammar and in many other aspects.

Your sentences are hard to read and tell what they mean. THey also have many misspellings and other huccups of information. I would suggest using a spell check and then reading it over to check for anything the spell check missed.

Your description is lacking. Instead of describing what is going on, you just say what is going on rather than giving it to us. All it sounds like is you're giving a summary of what happened, and not what's happening at all.

THe characters are bland and don't seem to do anything at all. They all have the same personality other than the fact that they seem to disagree on things and the names they have. All they say is one word answers and it doesn't even say what's going on in their heads. If you can't relate to a character, and just picture them as a mindless drone, then you've got nothing but the fact that they keep making comments on the other's love life, don't you?

I'm sorry, but this just isn't very good. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but if it wasn't for the occational piece of their love lives, this story would have no plot. I would seriously consider revising this entire thing. The plot itself seems interesting enough, but the presentation just ruins it.
 
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