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Float (Originshippy)

Discussion in 'Shipping Fics' started by sanjay120, Aug 31, 2006.

  1. sanjay120

    sanjay120 ?(???)?

    My first crappy attempt at writing a fic. >.<

    He jumped. Once, twice, and then he was in midair. He flipped a few times, then hit the water headfirst with a graceful splash.

    So beautiful.

    So elegant.

    And all mine. Daigo thought to himself, smiling slightly. Mikuri's head emerged from the water, his turquoise hair dripping. He looked over at Daigo and grinned. "Come swim with me!" he called out.
    "I don't think so..."
    "Awww, Dai, you never swim with me!" Miruki pouted. He scrambled up the side of the pool, not bothering to use the steps.
    Daigo just frowned at him. "I don't like swimming."
    "You don't like anything."
    "Not true."
    Miruki frowned at his friend. "You're soooooooo boring...... Hey, come here for a second."
    "Just come here."
    "Why not?"
    "Because why?"
    "Because you'll push me in."
    Miruki feigned shock. "Why, I would never do that! Daigo, You really should trust me more." He nodded, as if to confirm this.
    Daigo sighed, and decided he'd let Miruki have his fun. He walked over to where the Sootopolis leader was standing.
    "What is it?"
    ".....Nothing. I just enjoy your company." Miruki grinned broadly.
    Before Daigo could respond, he was in the water. Miruki dove in after him. Daigo quickly came up to the surface, coughing. He grabbed onto the side of the pool.
    Mikuro laughed and lazily floated in the water.
    "Miki, that wasn't funny!"
    "Um... yes. Yes it was. It was hilarious, and I demand that you join me in my laughter."
    "Mikuri, I'm serious."
    "So am I." The water trainer flashed his boyfriend a dazzling smile. He looked almost innocent.
    "Daigo, your suit can afford to get wet sometimes."
    "It's not that.."
    "Then what is it?"
    Daigo just sighed and lookedd away. "Nothing..."
    "What's wrong, Dai-kun?" His voice was gentle, soothing, which made Daigo relax some.
    "You promise you won't laugh?"
    "Yeah, you promise?"
    "Well, ok...."
    Daigo scooted closer to his friend.
    "I can't swim." He blushed and looked away.
    Daigo heard a small chuckle escape from his companion's lips. He glared at Mikuri, noticing the younger man was holding back laughter.
    "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"
    Miruki tried to suppress his giggles as he said, "I know, but..."
    "You promised." Daigo started climbing out of the pool.
    "Dai! Come back!" He kept walking.
    "Daigo, I'm sorry." Daigo get walking. "Really, I am..."
    Miruki climbed out of the pool and walked over to his boyfriend. He hugged the steel trainer from behind.
    "It's OK, Dai-kun..." he whispered soothingly, his voice a soft purr. Daigo shivered at the sound of it. "I can teach you..."


    Next chappie when I feel like it. >.>
  2. Aquarelle

    Aquarelle Moderator Staff Member Moderator

    Just so you know, I like this shipping about as much as Homer Simpson likes Ned Flanders. (No offense to Originshippers) I merely read this out of complete boredom, (sp?) and because you really get a good laugh outta it. ;)

    First off, this is a good start sanjay120, but you're going to need to improve on your writing. From reading your post, you're new to this whole fan fic writing business, right?

    I think you could've given more description, like describing Mikuri/Daigo a little more, and telling us what the scenery was like. You mentioned them being by a pool, so where was the pool? The jungle? Neptune? France? Try to describe the background a bit more, and tell us where the story is taking place, otherwise we'll get confused and never know. And try to give more character description on your next chapter, too.

    Next, it was a little on the short side. If you read the shipping fic rules, it says chapters must be at least a page on microsoft word. (And even then, "good" fics are usually more than a page per chapter)
    So whenever you post your next chapter, try make it lenghty, and maybe type it out on Microsoft Word first (In Times New Roman font, size 12 or so) to make sure it's of an adequate length.

    Also, the whole structure of the fic seems a little short and choppy...
    Your paragraphs and sentences are quite short, you could probably combine some of them to make them longer, and maybe you could lenghten the paragraphs by adding in more description. (Like I already said) Then when the characters are talking, maybe you could tell us what tone they're speaking in, like are they angry, happy, sad, ect. Try to say what tone their voice is in, it helps readers understand what's going on better, and how the characters are feeling and whatnot.

    So try to do everything above next chapter, and read the advice for aspiring authors sticky in the fan fiction forum if you need more advice.
    So keep up the good work, sanjay120, and good luck on your next chapter!


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