Forest Guardian.

[Shiney_Hunter_Tauros_Rule]

Prologue

A dark grey mist fell. The world was coated in the layer of ash. A sense of finality and peace spread to every living thing on the planet. People who had been cowering inside their homes left and leapt, in rejoice, amongst the mist, falling like snowflakes. Pokemon cried to eachover, looking for friends. A feeling of freedom spread.
But then, remarkably, a blurry figure made his way through the mist. It was followed by a small, indistinguishable, floating figure. Luckily nobody was watching this, as they had turned discussing the new person. It was lucky as, at that moment the floating figure melted into the mist, as a new one appeared at the persons feet. When the figure appeared though, he was a child.


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So what do you think so far. I will hopefully write chapter 1 soon.

 

[Jonouchi]

TOO short to be a prolouge. Each chapter, prolouge included, has to be a page long. This definetly wasn't a page.


Now let's look storywise:

NO DESCRIPTION!!!

What is going on? Why are the events occuring? Who was the kid?

Try to explain how and why the events are happening


Try again next chapter

 

[The Doctor]

What the hell just happened? If it was a prologue, then it was WAY too short; you need to add more meat to the skeleton if you're gonna make a proper story.

 

[dude]

i think its a start i just needs to be a little longer but ur getting there

oh by the way u guys could be a little kinder dont u think

 

[Literate]

Well. Yeah, its a start but you used "figure" like, five times in the same paragraph. I don't allow myself to even have the same words in the paragraphs around.

Well, prologues can be short. I read the rules lotsa times. Unless they had an update, prologues can be short. I think they're at least supposed to be 3/4 of a page. Prologues are supposed to be shorter than well written out chapters, it doesn't have to be long at all.

EDIT: Peh. Checked it. The prologue should be at least a page but chapters three. But it says it could be shorter if it gets the word across.


Now Jonuochi:

Now let's look storywise:

NO DESCRIPTION!!!

There was. Though s/he could've put some more adjectives and adverbs. Like: How did the mist fall? Slowly? Drizzling? Rapidly?

What is going on? Why are the events occuring? Who was the kid?

That's why they call it mystery. And that's why they call it a prologue. They leave you in suspence and questions.

Try to explain how and why the events are happening

If s/he did, it'd be boring. I'm writing a mystery fic. I don't have to tell why someone does something or something does what. Mystery. Learn that concept.

I'll help a bit. I'm almost an expert at mystery. ^_~ I know my stuff.

~PEACE~

 

[Shiney_Hunter_Tauros_Rule]

Thanks Litestars. I know it was short, it was meant to be. A small taster of what to come. Jack of Blades' post made me laugh though. Youll find out if you read on.
Well this is Chapter one
Tauros Rule
P.S Im a he
P.P.S The prologue may seem irrelevant but you need to read on to understand.
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Chapter 1-On the prowl

It was a gloomy, cold, late autumn morning. On the horizon the sun struggled to lift itself high enough to light the ground. Only half of a field was lit, the rest was in shadow. Whispering from the nearby forest echoed around the otherwise silent countryside, as if trying to entise the unwary into a trap.
Several lonely Mareep attempted to graze on the icy grass, not knowing, or caring, about the fact that there was a stranger amoungst them. Nothing like it had ever been seen before. It was shroaded in shadow and its face was indistinquishable. The sunlight crept up apon it, like a predator following its prey. It noticed the light and, startled, it leapt away. It landed by one of the mareep, the male of the herd named Spartan. Though it was not hungry, it withdrew six inch long claws and pounced. It grabbed Spartan with its claws and, with its stilleto like fangs, sunk its teeth into his neck. It did not attack again however, it just let Spartan go and Spartan, not seeming to care he had just been attacked by something that should never be there, happily started to graze again. The creature waited silently. It did not take long to see what the creature had been waiting for. The wound in Spartan's neck started to emit a hissing sound, and out of it came a foul smelling, purple pus. It smelt like a mixture of cat vomit and rotten eggs. The pus was coming out thick and fast now. It was coating Spartan's head and moved on to his body. Soon the top half of his body was engulfed and it was still moving on. His legs were coated next and then the pus seemed to be turning blue. It was being burnt in a blue flame and Spartan's shrieks echoed in the morning silence. Spartan was being slowly roasted. The other mareep finally looked around at Spartan's cries, but, by then, it was too late.
The creature took this opportunity, to feast upon his prey. Ripping great chunks of flesh. The other mareep had gone back to their grazing, not caring that one of them was being devoured. The wool had been singed to ash and holes had allready appeared in the creature skull. A squelching sound came when next, an eyeball was eaten. The creature kept gorging on Spartan until from the farm house door opened.
Farmer McMillen had just awoken to feed his animals. He passed the Torchic coop and the Miltank and Tauros enclosure. He was going to see his Mareep, in particular, his prize winning Spartan. The creature, realising it was to be caught, darted away quick as a flash, toward the direction of a small house on the hill. It did not hear Farmer McMillen's cries of anguish as he knelt next to the carcus of Spartan, cradling it in his arms. It did not notice the violent insults McMillen was screaming to the hills.The creature was, once again, on the hunt.

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What did you think?
I know it was still a bit short but it is still starting. It has to start a bit slow.
Do you see why Jack of Blades' post made me laugh. Add more meat to the skeleton. Well if I did the creature would probrably rip it off anyway.

 

[The Doctor]

Dude, I was being metaphorical. It means that your story is a bit bare at the moment and you need to add more description. It might be a good idea to think about paragraphing; double out your paragraphing and it will be easier to read, like a real author.

But hey, I made you laugh, so YAY!

 

[Shiney_Hunter_Tauros_Rule]

I know you were being metaphorical but I had allready though out the first couple of chapters in full (with a bit of editing as I go along) its just the way you kind of hit it on the head

 

[Shiney_Hunter_Tauros_Rule]

Ok I know I am double posting but I need to put my 2nd chapter up. If you read please comment and if you do critisice please at least make it constructive.

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Chapter 2- Just a morning breeze.


It was around five o clock in the morning in the little village of Pippersville. It was nearing the start of winter and a cold wind was blowing around. Alley Meowths screeched as they foraged in the waste bins outside K.F.C (Kentucky Fried Combusken). Few people were around but those that were could not be distinguished as each and every one of them had turned up their collers, trying, in vain, to keep out the winter chill. One woman had her pet Skitty curled inside her coat as she went to the corner shop to get some Full Fat Miltank Milk for the Skitty. The Skitty, a proud and pampered creature, turned its nose up at the alley Meowths, two of which were fighting over half a Combusken thigh. It continued to stare in disdane at the froliking Meowths when, something much larger than any meowth passed. It was walking in the shadows and was hard to make out, but the Skitty had seen its eyes, yellow, with dead white slits.
At that moment a comotion came in the form of Farmer McMillen, who it seemed, was stating that his prized Mareep, Spartan, had been killed. The skitty turned to see Farmer McMillen, who she liked as he often sent Ms Mould, her owner, a pint of milk from his finest Miltank. She turned away, not wanting to see Farmer McMillen look so upset, and wondering what he was upset about. She decided to look, once again, upon the strange figure with the evil looking lamplike eyes. But as she turned, she saw the abnormal creature running past the bewildered looking Meowths. One of the two fighting over the Combusken thigh, looked to follow the anomily in its progress. As it slackened its grip, however, the thigh was tugged from his grasp and the other meowth, proud of his accomplishment, settled down to enjoy his reward. The meowth that had been watching decided to go back on the forage for food and, ignoring the creature entirely, dived into the rubbish and did not see the stranger ascending a hill with a house perched on top. He did not even believe it had existed, believing it had been just the morning breeze and the bitter chill playing with his mind.
Alec lay in bed in his room at Blueberry Cottege. He was half asleep and would be fully awake if it wasnt for the entising fumes coming from his pet bellsprout, Belly. This bellsprout was odd in many ways. It was considerably smaller than bellsprout usually are, but was around twice as heavy. He also, strangest of all, had blue leaves. Bellsprouts leaves are naturally green, though records of browny gold leaves have occured. Nobody, however, had ever seen a bellsprout with blue leaves in their life. It also had shockingly red lips, but this was not as noticable as the leaves. Alec had found Belly when he was very young. It was sick and would have died if Alec had not discovered it. He ran with it in his arms to the nearest pokecentre. It was only then he noticed how odd it was. Nurse Joy checked the leaves to see if they contained dyes, but discovered they didnt. Belly was nursed back to health and Alec stayed by him for every moment.
An odd scuffling came from downstairs which woke Alec up from his half sleep. He got out of bed and, quietly, walked across the room to the door. He stepped on a loose board which subsequently made a very loud creaking sound. He heard the scuffling downstairs stop and then start again quickly before, once again, stopping.
He went downstairs to see what was going on and to see Aunt Mabyl. Aunt Mabyl wasnt really Alec's aunt, but his adoptive mother. His parents had been killed when their pet Seaking became exhausted in the water and could not get back to shore. This had happened when Alec was a baby and therefore he couldnt remember his parents at all.
He reached the kitchen and, soon wished he hadnt.

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I know it is still a bit short but it is a bit difficult to write full length chapters this early in a book. It will make up for itself though by the time I get to the 40th or so chapter when it may be up to about 7 pages long. You never know.
Please post if you read
Tauros_Rule

 

[ZibaLaZiba]

I thought this was good, but how did the parents die? You could use more description. I'm not exactly a writer, but more of a critic and a master of getting to the point. Keep up the good work!

 

[icemew]

Gory...

You've stepped up your description a ton from the first post. Although I'm still not sure what's going on ^^; I guess that's on purpose tho.

Constructive...well, I think this would be easier to read if it was spaced out a bit more, like an extra space between your paragraphs. Oh, and you didn't capitalize Meowth a bunch of times in the last chapter. Besides that, this is looking great, you're got a lot of tiny details and other good stuff to make your scenes really clear.

So, is the weird-predator-thing the main character of this? Or what?

 

[Shiney_Hunter_Tauros_Rule]

Sorry I havent been around much to post Chapter 3 but I had Writers Block, so if this chapter isnt great, it could be because of that. Icemew, the main charecter is Alec.

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Chapter Three-He couldn't have​

It wasn't usual for the police to get a call at half past six in the morning but this was not a usual day. The police arrived at Blueberry Cottage, to discover a child, around ten years old, sitting, rocking back and forth, on the front step. He was crying. Police constable Joseph knelt down so he was at the same level as the child and asked,
"Would you like to tell us why you called us at half past six in the morning?" Alec looked up at the police constable and, without saying a word, directed him to the kitchen. Joseph walked behind him, wondering about what he would find. He turned into the kitchen and drew a sharp breath.

The body of a woman was lying on the floor. Her face was blue and there were scorch marks on her hand. She had a cut on her hand which was bleeding and coated in a foul smelling purple pus.Constable Joseph turned to Alec and asked,
"Do you have any idea how this could have happened?" Alec shook his head.
"Do you have any pokemon in the house?" Alec nodded, and for the first time in the meeting, spoke
"I have my Belly. You might have heard about him. He has blue leaves. I found him when I was five." The police constable took this in.
"May I see.. Belly?" Joseph asked. As Alex left the room there was a silence in the room. Alex woke up his Bellsprout and returned downstairs. But when he had got downstairs he heard speaking in the kitchen.
"You cant seriously think that Joseph," said the voice of Officer Jenny.
"Yes I do. Bellsprout are poisonous are they not? There was only the one pokemon in this house and it just so happens to be poisonous. A woman dies of what looks like injected poison. Put two and two together. They are going to have to put this Bellsprout down, for the safety of everyone around it," exclaimed Joseph. Alec, having heard this, leapt into the kitchen shouting,
"You cant do this. Your not taking my Belly. Sleep Powder." Belly, hearing the command, immediatly spat out the correct powder. As the two fell to sleep, Alec, heart pounding, ran out of the room. He headed straight to the front door. The two policemen remaining outside shouted out exclamations as the two ran past them. Before the policemen could do anything though, Alec had commanded Belly to use Vine Wip. Two long slender vines came from Belly and wrapped themselves around the policemen. They were lifted into the air and, without so much as an exclamation, were knocked out by colliding into the wall of the house. Belly dropped them and withdrew its vines and the two continued running. They ran down the hillside, not caring about what they had just done. All they cared about was protecting eachover, no one else mattered. They ran through the village of Pippersville. They ran past a posh woman who had just left the shop, stealing the bottle of Miltank Milk as they passed. The Skitty in her coat exclaimed but they had allready disapeered.

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Please post your thought and opinions.

 

[Clare]

The chapters are still a little short - the three you've posted so far could safely be merged into one - and there are a few problems with the punctuation. In particular, you haven't used apostrophes in words like "can't" and "haven't". However, the idea seems fairly interesting, so it gets a few Brownie points for that.

 

[Tale]

Ok, I've only read up to chapter one, but I had to say something.

Uhh, guys, a bit too harsh on the prologue, I think. Prologues can be any length, theres no need AT ALL for it to be a page long. Also, the purpose of the prologue is to captivate, not to explain. It has to grab the attention of the reader, its the hook that reels in the reviews. It would completely lose its purpose, as well as its effect if Tauros Hunter here had put 'A man came from the mist followed by an indistinguashable figure...which was, for curiosity's sake, a ghost of his mother who had been influencing him to put an end to the lives of these celebrating Pokemon and humans. Its also him that made the mist, by the way.' Yeah, you get my point.

A prologue can be complete jibberish, it probably wont capture much attention, but its still legitimate.

Anyway, I think you have done extremely well with both the prologue and the first chapter (which was quite short, but I dont much mind the length). Its refreshing to see such skill from a new writer on the forums, very refreshing, and I'm kind of disgusted in those who fail to praise you in that respect, because you're more than deserving of it. Anyway, I just wanted to say well done, and theres no way in hell this fic deserves two stars, so I'm going to up your rating.

Good luck with the rest, and awell done.

 

[Shiney_Hunter_Tauros_Rule]

Thanks Tale.
I know I am no Commander Blizzard, and writing has allways been hard for me. I can have a good idea in my head and it is hard to put it on paper so thankyou for those that took the time to read it so far.

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Chapter 4-In Hiding.​

Mysterious Death of Hillside Widow.​

This morning, a body of Ms Mabyl Cathrine Turner, was found in her house, atop Blueberry hill. Blueberry Hill is situated near the small town of Pippersville. The body was found by Ms Turner's adoptive son, Alec Munday, 10, at around 6:30 this morning. The child immediately rang the police force, who were dispatched to the cottage immediately. Police constable Joseph Stammers and a back up team of two policemen and one policewoman were sent to inspect the body.
Ms Turner's body was found in her kitchen at Blueberry Cottage. She had a cut on the palm of her hand, which was emmiting a toxic smelling purple pus. Stammers made the assumption she had been poisoned, which was confirmed at the morgue. Alec owns a Bellsprout, which is unlike any other Bellsprout before. It has blue leaves. As many of you may know, Bellsprout are poisonous. The bellsprout was the only pokemon in the cottage.
Police found a knife, with a small amount of blood on it, next to the brussel sprouts Ms Turner had been preparing. She appears to have cut herself and the Bellsprout, referred to as "Belly", spat poison inside. She died, almost instantaniously, and the bellsprout returned upstairs, until it was disturbed when Stammers sent Alec to get it. Alec heard Stammers stating his suspicions to Officer Jenny Monroe. This distressed the child, who went on a rampage. He ordered his bellsprout to attack the two. They were forced to sleep, by the powders emmited. The child and pokemon left, where they were interupted by...... Story continues on Page four.

Alec threw the newspaper aside. It had been three days after his flight from home. The wind had brought the outside of a newspaper, The Daily Wobba, to Alec. He and Belly were hiding in a forest, just to the east of Pippersville. He had ran, hoping that if he didnt stop time would rewind, or he would wake up and nothing would have happened. He threw a dirty look at the front page. He couldn't believe the rubbish the paper had put. For one he was twelve, not ten. Another thing that made him angry was "were dispatched to the cottage immediately." It had not been immediately. He had told them at six o clock and they couldnt be bothered to send anyone for half an hour.

At that moment he felt a gentle poke in his side. Belly had returned with a dead ratata in its vines. It layed it out on the floor for him. When he did not react, it pushed the thing in his direction with its nose.
"No thanks Belly. You eat that. Ill catch something later." Belly looked disappointed and layed down next to him. Suddenly there was a loud crack and he had blacked out.

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Please post your thoughts and opinions.
Tauros_Rule

 

[Yami Ryu]

I've only read the last chapter and wow. So .. short. And not even the 'good' sort of short. All that chapter really was was a flashback in a news article and WOW TWO PARAGRAHPS OF WRITING. Not only is that only a bare scrape at a real chapter, since it seems your chapter fails with really being a chapter, even if short, but your character is also .. off.

The bellsprout basically killed the woman, and he doesn't mind? The bellsprout could kill him and he doesn't care? Was the bellsprout the thing that attacked him and knocked him unconcious cause he wouldn't eat the dead rat? I'm sorry but your fic, if this 4th chapter is any sign, is severely lacking. I suggest you actually go read Advice for Aspiring Authors, read the rules and listen to the advice people are trying to give you cause, seriously. Your fic seems flat.

 

[Zephyr Flare]

This is certainly low on the quality front and a little blinding on the grmmar so a certain "Get the heck over to Advice for Aspiring Authors" seems a bit of a must.

It's standing amazingly short with chapeters seemingly ending as you've gone to do something else wehre they could have been combined to make a bigger and better chapter with more flow.

Lots of sentance chop as well with a mangle of tenses used leading it to be confusing.


I'll leave it to you what you want to do with it.

Sandra

 

[Shiney_Hunter_Tauros_Rule]

Look here Yami Ryu, If you are not going to post CONSTRUCTIVE critisism, dont post at all.
And Zephyr Flare, I know I am not great at writing, but you need to understand the meaning of "To each his own" because at the moment, after the attacks from you and Yami Ryu, I seriously doubted whether I should continue this if I was going to get people like you attacking me all the time. If you are like this to all the new authors, you should just get back to Hoenns Legacy and all the other Over Rated ones, rather than attack me for just attempting to write, seeing as I like to write. Even if im not good at writing, I still do not think the two of you should have put that as you did.

 

[Zephyr Flare]

It was blunt yes but it is a little obvious the lack of general willingness to try and research frist using all resources that are here at your disposal. It's no excuse to say "You're attacking me" because I am certainly not.

So how about trying to use the resourcs here rather than just try to make up an excuse? We ALL start by writting badly but trying to protect yourself will mean you never improve. Because this broke a few of the very basic quality rules I acted a little harsher as stated will happen in fic rules.

I dealt with this because it was reported to me, members unfortantly in some minorities like the poorly written but basic quality and ignore the good but that is not the point.

By all means you can continue but you have to be aware that you have broken a few basic fic rules, there does have some minor typos and basic grammar which can be read up in Advice for Aspiring Authors and you can ask for help in the Author's Cafe.

Again since you completely ignored what I said, I leave it to you what is done with this thread.


Sandra