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Forever Young [One Shot]

Bay

YEAHHHHHHH
(Prays the lag won't hit)

Um...yeah, this is the entry I entered for the Sacrifice One Shot Contest. I got 9th place on it, but the reviews I got were helpful. I know most of the contestants would either post it now or rewrite it and then post it. Me? Well, even though there might be a lot of kinks here and there, I am going to post it right now anyways to see what your guys' ophinion on it. Later on, I will rewrite this one-shot and post the redux version probably in late Decemeber. After reading one of the judge's review, I decided that a rewrite should make this one shot real better.

For now though, hope you guys enjoy this piece and will try my best to heed your guys' reviews whenever I get the chance to do the rewrite!

And oh, this fic will be rated PG for some violence, though not really bloody. In fact, from what I heard, this is the least bloody! XD Also, thanks to Hanako Tabris and Timid Kyogre for trying their best to rid of the grammar mistakes. ^^

Forever Young

For many years I traveled all over the world. Yes, I went to Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh. I went through rain, snow, and sandstorm. There were so many different Pokémon species, all unique in their own way. A lot of trainers tried to get me, but I managed to run away. Why, you ask? Why do I travel?

To battle.

I love to battle. My big pincers sliced through the air with ease, the rush of bubbles fired out of my mouth, all of that made me more powerful and more energetic. Whenever I looked at the scars all over my red body, I smiled at my past. There was one huge crack on the star on top of my head. That battle I enjoyed most, though.

It was a few weeks ago while I was at Eterna Forest. The trees that covered the sun during the day made the time of night even darker despite the brightness from the moon. I swore there was more tall grass here than some of the other forests I went to. I looked at the trees, hoping to locate a Pokémon I could battle.

"Onferrrrrr, feeerrrr!"

I loved that childlike screech sound. That meant there was a Pokémon I could battle against. I grinned.

"All right, who is here? Come and show yourself!"

I first heard a giggle. Seconds later, a brown-colored monkey Pokémon with a red nose came down. Tiny flames appeared on both of his hands, and I believed those were huge blue eyebrows on his forehead. There was a fire burning on his tail and he wasn’t screaming.

What Pokémon is that? I thought to myself. I did not prepare to attack, still wondering the name of his species.

The Pokémon landed on the ground and then punched it. Soon flames came and formed a circle. I was engulfed in it and I heard the fire sizzle while burning my body. Luckily it did not hurt much because I am a water type. Not long after, the flames, both on the ground and on my body, faded.

"Got you good!" he said with a giggle.

I thought of him as a very youthful Pokémon after hearing that voice and seeing his face. Young or not, I still wanted to battle him.

"Okay, who are you?" I asked.

"A Monferno," he said and then smirked.

I chuckled softly to myself. A Monferno, ey? From the flames on the tip of his tail, that guy must be a fire type.

"Okay, Monferno, let me ask you. Why are you here?"

The fire type laughed, hands holding his moving stomach. He then grinned.

"To battle! Are you up for it, Crawdaunt?"

I grinned back and moved my pincers a few times. I did not care why he wanted to battle.

"Ready when you are."

The Monferno nodded and then ran towards me, his hands bursting with sparks of electricity. I held my pincers close together to form a watery ball and then slammed it down, which exploded into waves that were going towards my opponent. He avoided the Water Pulse attack by jumping up in the air. As he was falling, the star on my head glowed and then the Swift attack managed to get him good.

"Ow ow ow ow!" he screeched in pain while in the air. Big stars kept hitting his chest.

When the Monferno fell on the ground, dirt flew up. My opponent later got up, a bruise already on his chest.

"Not a bad start," the Pokémon said with a sly voice, despite taking deep breaths. "However, you won’t get off that easily, you old lobster!"

I just shook my head, thought this battle would be over within a couple more attacks. This should be a piece of cake.

The Monferno yelled a battle cry and then bent his knees. He jumped up once again, this time his right foot engulfed in flames.

"Hiyaaaaa!" he screamed as he was descending down, his voice full of youthful confidence.

I chuckled to myself and then grabbed his right leg with my pincer. My opponent’s eyes grew wide at that moment. I just grinned and then threw him at the nearest tree. I thought he would soon crash, but I was wrong.

The Monferno was quite smart, that little guy. Within seconds, he used his tail to hold on a tree branch. He showed his tongue to me while upside down and then hid behind the leaves. My eyes were squinted and then I screamed.

"Okay, just come out now and battle like a real Pokémon!"

I can hear a giggle from him, which made me want to get this battle done and over with. I first inhaled and then fired hundreds of bubbles on top of the tree. The sound of rustling leaves had me believed I got that Pokémon. No scream came out from him, sadly.

What the? I thought I got him.

I was interrupted when a small plate smashed my face. Soon more plates came. The next two hit my chest and another one hit my back. I assumed he used his Fling attack, although I was curious as to where he got those things.

"Hey, cut that out, fire butt monkey!" I screamed while rubbing my back.

I made him very furious when I called him that because more plates hit my face at rapid speed. A few I managed to slice with my pincers. That was a distraction, though. When I smashed the last plate he threw, the Monferno was descending down towards me, his right hand filled with electricity. I did not move, surprised he got out of the tree so fast. He punched the star on my head and then landed on the ground. I stepped backwards and later fell down.

"Enough for you yet, Crawdaunt?" the fire butt money said with a grin. He then giggled, which made me very furious inside.

Despite my mind shaking like an earthquake, I slowly got up and stared at him. I wasn’t going to be defeated that easily by some kid.

"You wish!"

I closed my eyes and concentrated for my next move, Metal Claw. When I opened them, my right pincher blazed into white light. I then ran towards the monkey Pokémon and lifted my glowing pincher as soon as I got close to him. I thought I was going to get him, my pincher just inches away from his face.

To my utter amazement, he bent down and punched my stomach rapidly, which felt like a hundred of them. Later, his tail glowed brightly and slammed on my star. I fell down once again and then saw him breathing more heavily.

"Close Combat and Iron Tail," he said to me proudly, trying his best to show he was not tired.

I did not get up yet, trying to catch my breath. Plus, I needed some time to think of an attack to strike him very effectively. The Monferno grinned and his tail glowed again. I was about to get hit until I finally thought of one.

His tail almost hit me but I rolled over, got up, and smashed the ground with my pincer. The Crabhammer attack later made the earth shook violently and crumbled loudly. The Monferno wobbled a few times, but he did not look worried. His body suddenly burst into a ball of fire and then he did a cartwheel.

Need to stop that Flame Wheel attack and stop it good!

At first, I wasn't sure if I should do Water Pulse again, being that the attack failed the first time, but a second try would be worth a shot. Anything to win this battle.

I went ahead and slammed the ground. Watery waves soon came out and this time the attack stopped the fire butt monkey.

"Ahhhhhh!" he yelled in pain while trapped in the water. The attack soon stopped and he was still standing, but all soaking wet. I can see his eyes burst into flames of revenge.

Knowing I would be dinner soon, I took my chances and ran towards him. As I was running, I can feel a watery shield on my body and heard bubbles popping. Because of Waterfall, I cannot see clearly at the moment. At least I saw something brown moving, which must be that Monferno. I rammed onto the fire type but, as if he was a ghost Pokémon, I went through him.

"Huh?" I said after I stopped running. "Where are you, fire butt monkey?"

Later I heard giggles and I listened carefully, do not want to be hit behind the back. Concentration and patience soon paid off. I heard the sound of running feet coming towards me.

Behind me!

I quickly turned around and shot bubbles out of my mouth towards the sprinting Monferno, which struck him hard on the face and made him scream.

"Now who has had enough?" I said in an "in your face" manner. That time I did not know what I said really fired up his temper.

My opponent stood there with closed eyes. After taking a few deep breaths, he cried "Fernnnnno!" and then his flaming hand punched the star on my head.

That was when things went weird. All seemed foggy-looking to me. My mind shook like an earthquake once more. I felt as if I was falling from a sky. Unconsciousness took over me.

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When I awoke, I felt something soft and comfy around my body. My mind felt fuzzy and I heard my stomach growl. I then got up and saw the bed I was apparently sleeping on after that accident. I turned around and noticed the walls were dirty and torn.

"Where am I?" I muttered to myself.

I later noticed a mirror on the right side of the room. I turned around and saw a cracked star. Anger started to rise in temperature.

Knock knock knock

I turned a little bit to the left and saw the monkey Pokémon opening the door. He came in with a glass of water.

"Hey, Crawdaunt," he said with a smile. "Are you all right?"

"Where am I?" I said in the loudest voice I can produce.

The Monferno chuckled and then answered, "The Old Chateau."

"What?" I asked automatically. I had never heard of that place before. Confusion didn't take over, though, as my temper was still rising.

"Oh, a bunch of Gastly that stayed here told me the name of this house. They were nice enough to let us stay here for a few days. There were some potions lying around in this place, so I used them on you. Oh, drink some water."

This was where he got those plates then, I thought with a groan.

I took the cup from his hand and while drinking, I began to think. He went from hurting me to saving me. Don’t know why he saved me, from the way I acted during our battle. Maybe the Monferno does that to everyone he defeated. Somehow, my anger cooled down from sipping the water.

"Hey, Crawdaunt, can I ask you a question?"

When I heard that, I turned around to face him and then answered, "Shoot."

"I was told from other Pokémon of how your species would fight anyone in its path. Is that true? If so, why?" he asked in a curious tone.

My heart thumped in fast speed. No one asked me that question before. For many years, that reason was kept secret inside my heart, but now it would be free. I sighed, both sad and happy about telling him this.

"We want to become young again."

The Monferno raised one of his eyebrows and his mouth made a tiny gap. I assumed he was confused.

"You guys battle to become young?"

I nodded and then chuckled, very amused at his question.

"Yep. We love it when we use our attacks, makes us feel stronger and younger again."

The fire type stared at me, digesting the information he gained. He then nodded in understanding.

"Oh, now I get it. It is almost exactly the same reason why I go battle, except to become older. I hope to someday evolve into an Infernape!"

That just cracked me up. I laughed so hard I nearly forgot to breathe. After I coughed, I wiped the tears off my eyes.

"What is so funny?" the monkey Pokémon asked.

"Sorry. It is just that once you become an Infernape, you will want to become a Monferno again."

I thought he would attack me again. In a worst case scenario, I already got an apology prepared in my mind. Unexpectedly, the Pokémon smiled and then chuckled.

"Yeah, maybe. For now though, I want to become an Infernape." He later grabbed my cup and said, "More water coming up."

He dashed off the room and then I just smiled. Maybe in ten years, he will want to become young again. Children these days want to grow up too fast.

Why was this my favorite battle? That fire butt monkey reminded me of myself when I was a Corphish. Before I battled a lot so that I can become a Crawdaunt. When I evolved it was reversed. Battles made my body stronger and mind younger. I considered myself a young Corphish in old skin. I considered battling my fountain of youth.

+++

Well, there you have it folks, my worst one shot evar! :p So yeah, I think the rewrite shall be posted during my winter break, but not sure yet. Again, will apperciative any constructive reviews you guys have! ^^
 

Griff4815

No. 1 Grovyle Fan
I actually really liked that one-shot! Don't be so hard on yourself! xP

The first thing that grabbed my attention was the name of the shot. "Forever Young" one of my all time favorite songs. The description was really nice.

One other thing that I really liked (I'm sure I sound really conceited when I say this) but the Crawdaunt really reminds me of the Corphish (or what I have in mind for him) in my fic, which I really liked. It's nice to know I'm doing something right with the species! :D

All in all, a masterful one shot. It was kind of really sad to me. ESPECIALLY now that I have "Forever Young" stuck in my head. Lets say it inspired me, more so!
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
I went through rain, snow, and sandstorms.

I just shook my head, I thought this battle would be over within a couple more attacks.

I could hear a giggle from him

The sound of rustling leaves had me believing I had gotten that Pokémon.

The Crabhammer attack later made the earth shake violently and crumble loudly.

As I was running, I could feel a watery shield on my body and heard bubbles popping. Because of Waterfall, I could not see clearly at the moment. At least I saw something brown moving, which must have been that Monferno. I rammed into the fire type but, as if he was a ghost Pokémon, I went through him.

Later I heard giggles and I listened carefully, I did not want to be hit behind the back.

Anger started to rise in intensity.

"Where am I?" I said in the loudest voice I could produce.
Those present/past tense mistakes are coming back again:(

Now, for the choppy/awkward sentences section:

There were so many different Pokémon species, all unique in their own way. A lot of trainers tried to get me, but I managed to run away.

exploded into waves that were going towards my opponent.
There's no sense of urgency with the wording here. Better choices would include "rushing towards," "hurtling towards," "rapidly encroaching upon," etc.

he screamed as he was descending down
Descending means "coming down," so the "down" is redundant.

more plates hit my face at rapid speed.
My heart thumped in fast speed.
"Quickly" would suffice in both cases and would flow better.

My opponent later got up, a bruise already on his chest.
I stepped backwards and later fell down.
Later, his tail glowed brightly
"Later" is not the best word to use during the heat of battle. It implies that there was a "relatively significant" amount of time between the two events. If this was the case, then surely the opponent would have taken advantage of the time difference, getting in numerous shots while its opponent was still recovering. It's the place where "quickly," "almost instantaneously," or "without skipping a beat" would fit better.

And if you want to show that there is a long pause between the two events, more powerful words/phrases would include "struggled to recover," "took a while to right itself after the hit, " etc.

Overall, the theme and the Crawdaunt's reasoning for wanting to battle (to regain lost youth) was a nice add to the overall fic, as was the contrasting ideas of Monferno and Crawdaunt and their reasons for wanting to battle. SO was the theme of wanting to recapture one's youth. The battle was well done too, outside of the word usage.

Ah, but this was likely written before you began posting "Nothing, Everything," because you get much better at keeping the tenses straight in the latest chapter of that...

But it was a good read with some interesting themes, and I'm sure you'll correct them for the edit. After all, you did win "Most Improved Author:) "
 

Gardevoir Girl

is NOT a girl
I noticed there are already some corrections, but I'd like to point out a few more places where there could be improvement.

Within seconds, he used his tail to hold on a tree branch.

Maybe 'grab a tree branch' would be better than 'hold a tree branch'.

When I opened them, my right pincher blazed into white light.

Have you proofread? I think that's meant to be 'pincer'.

That time I did not know what I said really fired up his temper.

Maybe I'm missing something, but this didn't really make sense to me.

You've been here much longer than I have, so please don't be offended by my pathetic excuse for a review.
 
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