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Forgotten Heroes: Legend Of Dragodell

Discussion in 'Non-Pokémon Stories' started by Knightblazer, Nov 8, 2005.


What do you think of this fic so far?

  1. Its the best! THE BEST, I TELL YOU!!!

    0 vote(s)
  2. Tis' alright, you could improve, though

    2 vote(s)
  3. No Comment.

    1 vote(s)
  4. Bad. Just... bad.

    0 vote(s)
  5. Horrible. Just Horrible. You'd better stop writing. NOW.

    1 vote(s)
  1. Knightblazer

    Knightblazer Memories in the Rain

    I'm actually writing this for the Neopian Times (Kudos to those who knows what it actually means) (X.X) This is a neopian-based fic. (duh!) And my second story ever written. Hope you enjoy it. Well, here goes nothing!

    Forgotten Heroes: Legend Of Dragodell

    Once, there was a great war between the Draiks and Krawks. Both species wanted to defeat each other, believing that they were stronger than the latter. Years of chaos followed in this legendary dragon war between the two, which lasted for years, until a creature came out. It was a fusion of a Fire Krawk and a Maraquan Draik. It had intense fiery eyes, webbed wings and ears, a snout like any other Krawk or Draik, a pair of talons, and perhaps the most noticeable thing was its scythe-like blade at the end of its tail, and the flames that looked alive on his skin. The creature’s name… was Dragodell. It then used its power and stopped the two species from fighting each other, but at a cost. It sacrificed its life in the end. Now, legends say that he became a precious gem, hidden away in the deep earth, and the legend would only be revived once again by a person with a pure heart…

    Hundreds of years had passed since the great dragon war. The two species have all forgotten about the past and about the legend that surrounded the two, only knowing that the legendary Dragodell was a weapon of ultimate power, and that whichever species who acquires it would be the greater on. And so sadly, chaos is broken loose once again as the Draiks and Krawks fight each other once again to be stronger then the latter, and also to obtain the uncovered gem of Dragodell, which the Draiks have obtained. But even during the war, there was a Krawk and Draik couple whose mother gave birth, to their horror, a pair of twins consisting of Krawk and a Draik! Fearing for their safety, the two took separate ways. The mother took the Draik, while the father took the Krawk. But before going off, they gave them their names. The Krawk was named Lucied Elemental, while the Draik was called… Lucifer Elemental.

    Thirteen years later…

    “Lucifer! Wait up!!!” shouted someone from behind a Maraquan Draik.

    The Draik in question was rather thin and tall for his age. His skin glittered under the sun as he struggled to walk on land. One of the few Maraquan species that was actually able to walk on land, it was rather annoying. This Maraquan Draik was Lucifer Elemental. Lucifer turned his head and looked at the Red Draik who was rushing towards him, knocking the other Draiks in the process and had gone into a long chant of ‘Sorry’ to each Draik he had tipped over during his tedious process of chasing Lucifer. After a while, the Red Draik finally caught up to him.

    “LUCIFER!” he shouted.

    “Really, Kortez, haven’t you heard of the phrase ‘Flap your wings and fly’?” commented Lucifer as a reply, raising an eyebrow to the worn-out Red Draik.

    “Well, I don’t really favor heights, but… anyway, do you remember what today is?” Kortez asked Lucifer, who merely shrugged in reply.

    “It’s the Knighting ceremony of your father! How could you, of all Neopians, forget such an important event?” demanded Kortez, glaring at him.

    “Alright, alright, I do remember it. Is that better now?” asked a half-hearted Lucifer, glancing at Kortez with a pair of tired eyes, worn out after a day of reading, writing and yapping teachers at Neoschool.

    Kortez did not reply, but flew away. Lucifer stared at the fading red dot that was Kortez. After he left, Lucifer sighed. Kortez was really such a worrywart. Turning back, Lucifer trudged back home.

    “Father, I’m home!” shouted Lucifer as he opened the door of his house.

    The house was lavishly furnished, with tiger couches and a couple of jelly cushions lying around the living room here and there. There was also a nice fireplace at the corner for chilly days, and a beautiful Zen Table for Lucifer and his father to do their work. Closing the door, Lucifer then proceeded to the bathroom, equipped with a lovely Disco bath, sink, toilet, a pair of Royal Oak bathroom cabinets and some dividers to brighten up the otherwise dull bathroom. He then washed himself and brushed his scales, and entered his bedroom.

    His bedroom was decorated with a couple of cupboards, a nice Tiger Table, some Tiger couches and Bean bags by the brick Fireplace, and a Tiger Bed to top it off. He went up to his bed, where an old and ragged teddy bear sat. Its fur was chocolate brown in colour, with a red shirt and blue overalls as an outfit. Many patches were seen on the bear and clothing, showing that the stuffed bear had been kept for a long time now.

    Lucifer picked up the stuffed toy, and hugged it tightly. That stuffed bear was the only memento of his mother, who his father said had died when she gave birth to him, and her body was burned, so she did not have a grave. The bear was hand sewn by her when she was still alive. Lucifer was, of course, saddened by the fact that his never knew his mother, but then again, he was luckier than others who were made orphans by the war that had started since who knows when. He stared into the bear’s beady eyes.

    “Teddy, I promise you that I will come back after the ceremony,” he whispered gently to the silent toy, then put him back on the bed and left the room.

    He then headed back down to the living room at top speed. His father, a tall, strong and handsome Fire Draik who had slain many Krawks in the last battle that had earned him the Knighting Ceremony, was waiting for him there.

    “Ah, there you are, Lucifer,” he said and held back a chuckle as Lucifer tripped at the last step and fell snout-first onto the floor.

    “Ow…” muttered Lucifer as he got up on three paws, with the last one gingerly touching his painful snout.

    “Well, we should get going now,” said Lucifer’s father, grinning a little. Lucifer eagerly nodded, immediately forgetting all about the pain on his snout.

    “We’re going to the Cathedral of Dragodell, Lucifer, where I will be knighted,” informed Lucifer’s father as he opened the door.

    Lucifer gasped. He had heard tales of the legendary dragon, Dragodell, from the local storyteller in the village. He knew that the legendary Dragodell was a powerful being that could destroy anything and everything, and that the gem that his soul resided in was held in that cathedral, thus that building was named after him.

    “Then…let’s go!” exclaimed Lucifer with a big grin as he stepped out of the house.


    Well, that's the story so far... please Read, rate and review!

    Last edited: Nov 8, 2005
  2. Dark Latios

    Dark Latios Beautiful Tragedy

    Am I the only reviewer or what? oO;

    Anyway, very nice! I love the plot that's developing so far. The description is pretty good too. You gave a very good image of what Dragodell would look like in a picture.. Scary to say the least.

    As for the length.. Could be a tiny bit longer, but it's good for a start. ^^;

    I have a question though.. I saw a lot more of this posted in the Neopets fan club... And I was wondering why it isn't all here.. *Is curious*

  3. Knightblazer

    Knightblazer Memories in the Rain

    Err... well (^.^;;; I just keep cliff hangers... this is just on part of the perhaps 30 chapter saga of Dragodell... XDXD
  4. Dark Latios

    Dark Latios Beautiful Tragedy

    Oh, ok. ^^;

    I like cliffhangers too because it bugs the readers. =D

    So.. *Waits for next chapter*
  5. Knightblazer

    Knightblazer Memories in the Rain

    Ah well, I feel imaptient, so here's Chapter Number 2! (^.^)

    Chapter 2: The Cermony... Mutants, arise!

    Walking with his father to the entrance of the village, they met up with Kortez.

    “Lucifer, looks like you have to come after all,” he said with a mischievous grin.

    Lucifer’s father laughed heartily in reply to this statement. “You didn’t know how excited Lucifer was! It was only that he didn’t know how to show it!” said Lucifer’s father with a huge grin.

    Lucifer looked at both father and friend with a face that had turned many shades of red in embarrassment.

    “Alright, we’d better not be late for the ceremony,” said Lucifer’s father, taking back his grin as he walked out of the village, with the duo of Lucifer and Kortez trailing eagerly behind him.

    Soon, they reached the Cathedral Of Dragodell. It was a magnificent building. On the top and the sides of the huge double oak doors, with carvings of Dragodell himself, were stone statues of Dragodell’s head. Lucifer could see many similarities between him and Dragodell. They both had webbed ears, an almost identical snout, except that Dragodell’s had a pair of fangs sprouting from the tip and perhaps the most noticeable similarity was that they had the same fiery, intense eyes that gleamed with hope.

    “Well, we’ve reached the cathedral, so let’s go for the ceremony, shall we?” asked Lucifer’s father. The two young Draiks eagerly nodded in reply as they stepped into the grand building.

    “And thus, I dub thee Sir Tycifer Elemental,” said an old looking Shadow Draik. Even though he was a totally jet black, everyone could see the old and tired wrinkle appearing all over his face. This Draik was the head of the village where Lucifer lived. Lucifer’s father stood up from his kneeling position and turned around to face the crowd who gave a warm round of applause for him. Then, suddenly, one of the Draiks near Lucifer gasped.

    “T-T-That’s the gem!” he stammered in surprise.

    Everyone turned their sights at a pair of Blue Draiks bringing out a small, crimson red gem on a soft purple velvet cushion. The gem was shaped like a diamond, and if one could stare at it closely, he or she could almost see real flames flicking in the gem.

    “Legends say that in this very gem, lays the sealed soul of the great Dragon, Dragodell. It can only be released if someone with a pure heart touches it. Sir Tycifer, we urge you to try and see you are worthy of the great Dragodell.” Said the village head, as the pair of Blue Draiks held the cushion in front of Lucifer’s father.

    Everyone, including Lucifer, held his or her breath as Lucifer’s father stretched out a trembling hand, and gently rested it on the gem… but it did not glow.

    “Then, how about asking young Lucifer to try it?” asked the village head as Kortez nudged him forward, who tripped and fell snout-first once again due to the surprise. That gave everyone in the hall a little chuckle, including the village head himself.

    “Well, now that everyone had a little chuckle, will you please touch the gem?” asked the Head as the Draik gout up with a painful snout. Lucifer complied, nervously stepping up to the gem, and with a shaky talon, touched the glowing gem. Instantly, a story magically appeared in his mind, a story that was passed down from time, through the mysterious crimson gem, the only relic of the mighty Dragodell…

    Many years ago, a great war ensured between the closely related Draiks and Krawks, with each either species believing that they were superior to the latter. Many other species that were not involved in the war were mercilessly killed in the terrible war. Many battles were fought, but it only brought pain, sadness, and death all around. However, there was one that wanted the war to stop. He was Jacques Azeon, a Fire Krawk who valued peace and friendship. Like many others, he lost both his parents in the war, and that sparked and fuelled his determination to stop this pointless battle that had caused so much pain.

    He bravely went up to the peak of Mount Terror during the eve of the final battle between the two species on a cold winter’s night, and asked the heavens to grant him power to stop this painful war, which had lasted for years. The heaven granted him his wish, on the condition that he must rule the skies after he had stopped the battle. Jacques agreed to the condition.

    Suddenly, a fireball appeared in the freezing skies. It shot down and hit Jacques directly in the chest. He did not die, but was instead given great power. His snout extended and sprouted a pair of fangs from the tip, his tail was lengthened and a scythe was formed at the tail’s end. Fleshless talons replaced his hands and feet, and a pair of webbed ears grew from the sides of his head. His gentle blue eyes change to a pair of intense red eyes, and a pair of webbed dragon’s wings burst from his back. His whole skin was consumed by fire, and his claws were recast and sharpened.

    After this astounding transformation, dawn broke and the Krawk once named as Jacques Azeon was now forgotten and now was christened… Dragodell.

    He flew away from the mountain and onto the final battleground. The two species halted their final clash, awed by the dragon’s power.

    To stop the war, Dragodell used all his power to sweep the Draiks to the far reaches of Neopia and also changed all the Krawks to harmless petpets and banished them to an isolated island in the far corner of Neopia. Then, in a flash, he disappeared, and all that was left of the great legend was a single crimson gem, buried underneath the cold earth.

    It was only when the Draiks came back to Neopia than did they find the gem with the legend of Dragodell in bits and pieces under the earth. The gem performed miracles from time to time, and it was soon treated as a symbol of power, even until today.

    “Lucifer!” screamed Kortez. Lucifer jumped in surprise.

    “What?” he asked his friend irritably.

    “You’ve been dreaming the whole day, pal. Ever since you’ve touched that gem,” commented Kortez as he helped himself to some blueberry pie.

    Lucifer didn’t reply, but instead waffled as many chunks of Chocolate Kau Cream Cakes into his mouth as possible. Really, Kortez was somehow…irritating.

    After a great feast, Lucifer, having a stomach that was bloated with many slices of Chocolate Kau Cream Cakes, many servings of chicken (Which included many pieces of Double Chicken Legs, Fried Chicken Breast and handfuls of Orange Chicken), a bunch of Techa Fruits accompanied with a pack of Orange Sweeties, with many cans of Neocola and finally topping off with a bowl of Doglefox Ice Cream Scoops, settled dreamily on a nearby chair as the Head stepped up on the pedestal and began his speech.

    “Today, at the Cathedral of the mighty Dragodell, we celebrate the honor of Sir Tycifer Elemental, who had bravely led our soldiers into battle with the Krawks at one of their strategic strongholds, and have defeated them! Let this be an example for the generations to come and learn our mission to eliminate the pathetic Krawks and strive for the Draiks to flourish!” the Village Head ended his speech by raising his glass. “Now, let us all toast to Tycifer Elemental!” he said, as he drank deeply from his glass. Everyone followed suit, including the dozy Lucifer and the worrywart Kortez.

    Suddenly… “Head! Trouble!” screamed a Draik from the back as he pointed with a shaky claw at another Draik who was on the ground, screaming and whirling in pain. Then another Draik nearby fell to the floor too, yelling as if his insides were on fire. Suddenly, a black flame engulfed the first Draik, and when it cleared…

    “Mutants! The Krawks have spiked our drink!” cursed the Head as the Mutant Draik approached the frightened crowd. These mutants weren’t the ordinary Draik Mutants. They were living weapons- jet-black skin covered instead of the fading green with black eyes that resembled nothing but soulless tunnels. Spikes and spines of all kinds burst out of their skins, and their tails had a scythe at the end.

    The crowd backed away slowly to the hall entrance from the newly emerged Mutants, but the other Draiks all around all succumbed to the spiked drink, with black flames consuming them as they fell on the floor, re-emerging as the Mutants. Now, only the Village Head, Kortez, Lucifer, Lucifer’s father and a handful of Draiks remained unchanged.

    “What should we do?” asked a panicked Purple Draik. Fear was clearly seen in his deep purple eyes.

    Lucifer’s father took a brave stand. “We should get out of here as quickly as possible. I’ll hang here for a moment to distract the Mutants,” he said, drawing out his prized Bronze Short Sword, which was still crusted with the Krawk’s blood from the last battle. Everyone else nodded in agreement, except Lucifer, whose gentle blue eyes looked into his father’s brave black eyes, silently pleading him not to perform this selfless act. He would eventually change into one of those horrible creatures as well!

    The Draik now addressed as Sir Tycifer Elemental did not reply to those eyes, but roughly shoved his young son away to safety as he raised his sword, readying himself for the battle.

    The final battle he would ever fight as a Draik.

    “We’d better get out,” muttered Kortez to Lucifer, who slowly nodded in reply, and, with a last glance at his courageous father who was fighting the Mutants with zeal and all his might, turned his back and ran out of the dining hall with the other Draiks, and perhaps never to see his father again.

    Dashing out of the hall, and into the corridor, Lucifer could hear his father screaming in agony… as he underwent the horrible transformation from a hero to a killer. Soon, the scream subsided, and a whole horde of Mutant Draiks was on their tails in a minute. Some of the unaffected Draiks, including the Village Head, soon also fell prey to the Mutants, and became the very things they feared. The door to safety was just a few steps in front of the remaining duo: Kortez and Lucifer. But as they tried to open the door, it would not budge. The door was locked shut from the outside!

    “Oh boy…” trailed Kortez as the twosome turned his head and stared at the gang of Mutants surrounding them.


    That's the story so far... please read, rate and review. (COME OUT YER CLOSET READERS!!!)

    ;359; *~KnightBlazer~* ;257;
  6. Dark Latios

    Dark Latios Beautiful Tragedy

    Wee, I can reply right away since I've already read this part too. =D

    Very nice, as the last chapter was. The mutants scare me.. I'm still baffled at how the Krawks could have snuck in and spiked their drinks.. Shows how determined they are.

    Hope Lucifer and Kortez get away safely.. Maraquan Draiks are too cute too die! ._.;

  7. Knightblazer

    Knightblazer Memories in the Rain

    Yeah, if you wanna know... spoilers ahoy!

    [spoil]Lucifer is going to turn into a Mutant, but with a strange twist... and he gonna trash the Cratherdal to rubble... (O.O)[/spoil]

    I'd recomened NOT reading it. (^.^)
  8. Dark Latios

    Dark Latios Beautiful Tragedy

    I LOVE spoilers! ;)

    *Reads it*

    Scary is all I'm going to say.. Wouldn't want to spoil it for everyone else. ^^;
  9. Nice plot. You might want to try using other words instead of "said", such as "replied", "remarked", or some such. Also, this sentence
    could be cut off at "killed", reducing the redundancy of using "war" twice. Overall, though, it's a good story. I can't wait for more! ^_^b
  10. Nice story. It has a great storyline,too. However it could be a bit longer.
  11. Zephyr Soul

    Zephyr Soul <is awesome

    Yay! This is great, although I haven't finished reading the first chapter. (I wanted to post:p) If this gets in the NT, then I'll read it!:)
  12. Knightblazer

    Knightblazer Memories in the Rain

    I know thery're a bit short, but I'll try to lengthen it soon.

    BTW, a preview of Chapter 3:

    “Hmm… so the time has come again… and a Draik… a Maraquan Draik is chosen…” muttered the newcomer under his breath, trailing off into deep thought as he looked up and saw the astonished, amazed and bewildered Maraquan Draik, who was staring wide-eyed with his jaw dropped at the Fire Krawk, who flinched a little at seeing the state of his counterpart.

    “Stop that, you’re only making a fool out of yourself,” remarked the Krawk.

    Lucifer immediately straightened himself, pulling back his jaw together and trying to look as natural as possible. The Fire Krawk turned his back and began pacing around in circles for a few minutes.

    “So, do you want to receive the power?” asked the Krawk finally as he stopped right on Lucifer’s right side, turning his head to looked directly into the Maraquan Draik’s eyes.

    “Yes,” replied Lucifer, nodding his head. “Because,” added the Draik, before the Fire Krawk could utter another word. “I made a promise. A very important promise. And I intend to keep it,” finished the Draik, as he stared back into the Krawk’s yellow eyes. “Very well,” said the Krawk, nodding in approval.

    I guess you all should know what is happening ;)
  13. Dark Latios

    Dark Latios Beautiful Tragedy

    I know!

    [SPOIL]Dragodell is giving Lucifer his power! :eek:[/SPOIL]

    Even thought it was obvious.. I thought it would be wise to wrap it in spoiler tags.

    So, hope to read chapter three soon.. And keep up the good work you've done. ^^
  14. Knightblazer

    Knightblazer Memories in the Rain

    Oh, yipee. Chapter three.

    Chapter 3: The Chosen​

    Around a hundred or so Mutants were blocking their way, with wings spread and fangs barred. All around the duo, only the Mutants’ jet-black scaly skin was visible. Then, Kortez screamed in agony as he knelt on the floor. Lucifer’s eyes widened as black flames consumed the Red Draik, as when it cleared, the Draik that was once known as Kortez was no more. He became just like the others: only living to kill.

    “Kortez!” screamed Lucifer as the newly reborn Draik advanced forward onto the last remaining Draik. For the first time in many years, Lucifer once again could feel fear in him. Suddenly, he felt a sound so sharp that it hurt his head. Lucifer held his head and howled in pain, as his insides seemed to start burning. He shook his head, hoping to rid the pain away, but to no avail. His hands seemed to go numb. So did his legs, following his thighs… his arms… everything seemed to numb away. So were his senses.

    “Am I… am I… going to die?” whispered the Draik softly to himself as he closed his eyes, waiting for his end to come.

    When he opened his eyes again, he saw nothing. Nothing, only darkness remained. Frightened, Lucifer started running, running… but he could not see the light. No light… only darkness. The eternal darkness. Suddenly, a laugh came out of nowhere. The laugh Lucifer heard could send shivers up to anyone’s spine. That laugh was cold and cruel without any warmth at all.

    “So, you’ve finally managed to reach me…” said the cold voice. His voice was even worse than the laugh. It was cold as death itself.

    “Who are you?” asked Lucifer in voice that was the total opposite of what he felt right now: fear. Total fear.

    “Me? You are me…for now. But soon, I shall be you…” he trailed off, as Lucifer looked on the verge of both bewilderment and total panic.

    “Wh-Wha-What do you mean?” demanded Lucifer, as the darkness began to thin out slowly.

    “You will know…soon,” replied the voice as it faded away with the darkness.

    When Lucifer opened his eyes again, he was back at the Cathedral. The Mutants were still surrounding him, clicking their claws together and barring their fangs. Lucifer could see black flames starting to sprout around him. He closed his eyes, waiting for the darkness to swallow him. Then, the flames rose and covered him like a cocoon. Lucifer could feel the changes as a shot of pain came from his wings as they enlarged tenfold, his skin breaking as his muscles and bones mutated. He held back a scream as the black flames burnt through his skin and eyes, and his eyes watered as spikes and spines sprouted from his body. Finally, his tail sprouted a scythe at the end. Then, the flames died off and cleared, and the transformation was complete.

    As soon as that had happened, one of the nearby Mutants leaped at him, and when it was close to Lucifer, the Mutant slashed at his face. Lucifer roared in pain and shot a fireball at the Mutant in retaliation. The Mutant flew upwards in order to dodge the fireball, which it succeeded. The fireball then hit the two of the Mutants behind it. Immediately after being hit from the fireball, the two Mutants were reduced into nothing but a pile of ashes.

    “I…have…this…much…power?” Lucifer said to himself.

    His eyes then widened in surprise. He was talking! Mutants could talk? That surprised Lucifer, although his voice was very rough and hoarse, and it was almost impossible to understand his speech at all. Then he noticed his reflection at a nearby mirror.

    His appearance was almost like the others, but there were some differences. His spikes were black, not like the slivery white the others had. His claws and fangs, however, had retained their glaring white colour. But the most noticeable was his skin. His skin was not totally jet-black, but had patches of red here and there. Even his eyes had some red left in it.

    But still, the Maraquan Draik named Lucifer was no more. Lucifer looked down, and turned to the other Mutants. Were the other Mutants like him? Did their consciousness still remain? Or had they really become mindless machines? Those questions could not be answered, as the Mutants around him still seemed to treat Lucifer as their enemy, charging at him in twos or threes. Lucifer simply defeated them in a snap, expelling fireballs from his mouth, turning his enemies into dust and ashes.

    Soon, all the Mutants in the entrance hall were defeated. Lucifer, foot by foot, slowly made his way to the dining hall, where all the troubles started.

    The hall was completely unrecognizable compared to its former glory when Lucifer stepped into the hall. The place was completely trashed. The walls and carpet had many scratch marks on them, and the wooden tables were all smashed into pieces. As soon as Lucifer had stepped foot into the place, all the Mutants immediately turned to stare at the newcomer, licking their chops, readying to attack the perhaps unique Mutant.

    Before Lucifer could take another step, two of the Mutants leaped at him! Lucifer jumped upwards, spreading his wings and knocking out the other two Mutants who were about to attack behind him in the process. However, a third flew up and shot a fireball that hit Lucifer on the back of his right wing, who howled in pain and turned his head to shoot back a fireball at the Mutant, turning him to a pile of soot once the fireball had met its mark.

    Then a Mutant below Lucifer flew up, trying to stop him, but received a painful kick on the skull from his attacker’s hind leg and fell back to the ground, landing on top of a group of Five Mutants and all of them disappeared into thin air. Getting the hint, Lucifer grabbed a Mutant charging at him by its wing and threw him to a trio of Mutants. Once the Mutants bumped into each other, they just suddenly vanished into nothingness.

    Soon, after tossing the Mutants together in groups, piles, trios and duos, the entire hall was free of Mutants, with the exception of Lucifer. But the dining hall was in a more terrible state than before. Uncountable scorch marks were appearing, with each even more visible than before, and a couple of tables were roasted to crisps. Ouch, Lucifer thought to himself, when suddenly, he saw something sparkling on the other side of the hall. Slowly, Lucifer walked up to the shine, and to his surprise it was the… Gem… Lucifer thought to himself. Painfully, exhausted by the battles, he climbed up the final steps and took the crimson gem, holding it between his mutated talons.

    Suddenly, a flash of light came from nowhere, and the crimson gem shone a deep red colour. Lucifer gasped. The gem was glowing. Then, the glow from the gem shot upwards to the ceiling and began to spread all around Lucifer, who shut his eyes tight, wondering if this was truly the end for him…

    After a few minutes, Lucifer opened his eyes once more, which widened in surprise.

    He was floating in a place where nothing existed, yet he could still breathe. The entire place was multi-colored, but looking below, he could see flames roaring beneath him. “Where is this place?” asked Lucifer to no one in particular, and his voice echoed through the empty space, than gasped. His voice…it was back to normal! Was he a Maraquan Draik again? He looked down, and saw his original white webbed skin, dotted with orange and purple stripes. Lucifer sighed in relief, when out of the blue; a burst of light came in front of Lucifer, and when it cleared, Lucifer was starring, mouth-open, at a Fire Krawk!

    “Hmm… so the time has come again… and a Draik… a Maraquan Draik is chosen…” muttered the newcomer under his breath, trailing off into deep thought as he looked up and saw the astonished, amazed and bewildered Maraquan Draik, who was staring wide-eyed with his jaw dropped at the Fire Krawk, who flinched a little at seeing the state of his counterpart.

    “Stop that, you’re only making a fool out of yourself,” remarked the Krawk. Lucifer immediately straightened himself, pulling back his jaw together and trying to look as natural as possible. The Fire Krawk turned his back and began pacing around in circles for a few minutes.

    “So, do you want to receive the power?” asked the Krawk finally as he stopped right on Lucifer’s right side, turning his head to looked directly into the Maraquan Draik’s eyes.

    “Yes,” replied Lucifer, nodding his head. “Because,” added the Draik, before the Fire Krawk could utter another word. “I made a promise. A very important promise. And I intend to keep it,” finished the Draik, as he stared back into the Krawk’s yellow eyes. “Very well,” said the Krawk, nodding in approval.

    He then raised his talons and muttered something under his breath for a while. After that, he opened his eyes, and a beam of light shot down from above him into the Krawk’s talons, which then gave off a white aura, and it dispersed, flowing from the talons into the space in between the talons, coagulating into a sphere of light which glared so brightly that Lucifer had to wince his eyes just to look at it. But after a few moments, the light faded, and now in place was a pendant, with a ruby stone hanging from it.

    “When in dire need, make your wish upon a full moon, and it shall be granted,” said the Fire Krawk, as he handed the pendant to Lucifer, who nodded.

    “Now, I shall send you back. But you shall have to overcome many challenges to realize you destiny…” trailed off the Krawk as he began to fade away with the strange place. Slowly, the place faded, and a blast of light blinded Lucifer.

    Back in the Cathedral hall, a beam of light shot down from the ceiling, and a Maraquan Draik suddenly appeared, standing. A vague shadow than enveloped him and took shape; a pair of webbed wings and ears bursting out from the jet black shadow, spreading its wings wide and raising is head, giving out a silent roar… and the most noticeable thing was its pair of intense, red eyes. As soon as it appeared, it disappeared, leaving behind the weakened Lucifer, who fell, unconscious, onto the carpeted floor, perhaps wondering if this time, it was truly his end.

    Yup that's it. Please R, R and R!

    Last edited: Nov 17, 2005
  15. Dark Latios

    Dark Latios Beautiful Tragedy

    Me loved this chap.. Saw a few mess-ups though.

    Need to change is to in.

    Need to change weaken to weakened.

    Obviously just typos, no big deal. ^^;

    The length seems to be a little better, but I can't tell if it's four pages or not.. Four pages is usually the best length for chapters and it looks good too.

    Anyway, hope to read chapter 4 soon.. The good thing is it'll finally be something I haven't read yet. Take your time... :3
  16. Faerie

    Faerie MONS

    Hello! I'm here, as requested. Nice story so far! I really like the idea of a war between the Krawks and the Draiks, as the species are pretty similar, but at the same time seem as if an argument could easily arise. The plot is great, but there are a few suggestions so far:

    First of all, try not to repeat words. You only do it once or twice in the first chapter (which is the one I read xP), but if done more than that it can throw a reader off. Also you should work a bit on description. The description is pretty good so far, but you should practice it so that it really flows naturally.

    Well, I'll be back soon to review Chapter 2! ^__^
  17. Knightblazer

    Knightblazer Memories in the Rain

    Wow... Its been so long... *Feels guilty* Anyway, without further ado, here comes Chapter 4!

    Chapter 4: Liquid Twists

    In the darkness, the Krawk appeared again, standing out with his fiery skin. “To unlock your abilities, you need to meet… your half,” said the Krawk.

    “My half?” questioned Lucifer.

    “But before that,” continued the Krawk, as if he had not heard Lucifer’s question. “You need to… blend in,” he finished as he put his talons in front of Lucifer and chanted something under his breath.

    Suddenly, a red aura appeared from his talons and it flowed all around Lucifer’s body. Then, Lucifer howled as pain shot down his spine. His insides seemed to start burning all over again, just like when he was turning into the Mutant back at the Cathedral. But somehow, he could see and feel himself transforming, as if he were in two places. He could see his skin turning from a snowy white to a watery green. His eyes grew bigger and turned into a pale shade of yellow as his retinas were reduced to nothing but thin, black lines, and his whiskers completely faded away. He held back a scream as his feet entwined with his tail, and combined into a single, greenish tail. So did his hands, as his fingers fused and became flippers. A fading, white-green underbelly came through as his stripes disappeared, giving way to black spots covering his pale green skin. Finally, blunt, webbed spine like things shot out from his back.

    No… it couldn’t be… thought Lucifer in horror as he realized what he had become. But it was.

    A Maraquan Krawk.

    “Nooooooooooo!” screamed Lucifer.

    “Hey, wake up, pal!” shouted a voice.

    Lucifer opened his eyes, taking in his surroundings. A window was open right opposite of where he was, with the sun shining brightly, making Lucifer wince a little. He turned his head, and was immediately buried with something soft, white and fluffy.

    “Oof,” he went shoving the pillow off his face.

    “So, how you’re feeling?” asked the voice.

    Lucifer turned to the source of the voice. His eyes widened a little as he stared at the Shadow Krawk. “Umm… are you all right?” asked the Krawk once more.

    Lucifer sat up on his bed. “Yes, I’m fine…” he trailed off thinking of the dream, and something clicked. He grabbed a mirror on the bedside table, took a deep breath, looked, and screamed.

    Looking back at the mirror supported by a flipper, was a face with snout that was whiskerless, watery green skin accompanied by black spots here and there and a very pale colored chin and underbelly, with a pair of big, fading yellow eyes.

    A Maraquan Krawk.

    “Is there anything wrong?” asked the Shadow Krawk as he stared at Lucifer with his deep chocolate eyes.

    “I’m a Krawk!” exclaimed Lucifer in reply as he scrambled to the top of his bed, pointing at the mirror bearing his reflection.

    The Shadow Krawk raised an eyebrow. “So, is it anything wrong being a Krawk?” he inquired.

    “Umm… nothing… nothing at all,” muttered Lucifer, as he cooled down, moving back to his original position on the bed.

    “Well, living as a Krawk is a whole lot better then being a Draik,” said the Krawk, spitting out the word ‘Draik’ with much hate and spite.

    Lucifer meekly nodded in reply. He didn’t dare to say anything that had happened to him, as he had a feeling that if he did, something really, really bad would happen.

    “So, what’s your name?” asked the Krawk.

    “Name?” inquired Lucifer in reply.

    “Yes. Your name? Or are you telling me you have amnesia?” he asked glaring at the Maraquan Krawk rather intently.

    “Umm… I think I’m having this amnesia-thing you mentioned… I can’t seem to remember anything,” Lucifer lied, cocking his head a little.

    “I see. Well, it figures, seeing as you’re the sole survivor of that onslaught,” remarked the Shadow Krawk, as he turned and closed the curtains, blocking out the sunlight and finally allowing Lucifer to see his surroundings clearly, who blinked seeing the bouquet of flowers placed on the bedside table.

    “Those are from the doctors and nurses, whishing you a speedy recovery,” informed the Shadow Krawk, seeing the appalled look on Lucifer’s face.

    Nodding in reply, Lucifer thought about what the Shadow Krawk had said in the last few minutes… “Wait, what do mean I’m the sole survivor of that onslaught?” he asked the Krawk, as he turned to leave the room.

    The Krawk turned to look at Lucifer. “A week ago, when the Draiks in the Cathedral were all changed into Mutants, they came in the night, and attack the Krawk village. It was very surprising- when we entered the to check for any survivors, all of them had vanished into thin air- apparently one of them must have killed off the rest. But they somehow returned and raided the Krawk village. The Mutants were killed in the end, but the village was reduced to rubble. They only found you,” finished the Krawk, as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

    Stunned, Lucifer could only lie back down on his bed and think about the recent events that happened to him. It was such a joyous occasion… his dad even promised to buy him a new Petpet. But now, in a flash… they were gone- his friends, his family… everything. But he could not summon any rage or anger against the Krawks. Was it because he was one of them now? Or was it due to the fact that their own brethren were slain as well? Perhaps it could be something else? So many questions exploded in his head like fireworks, yet he could answer none of them. But something told him that to find these answers, he had to live with the Krawks, or so that strange Fire Krawk said.

    But first, he needed a name. Lucifer stared at his flippers. Aqua… Water… Liquid… Leviathan… Leviathan? He remembered that name. It was in one of the storyteller’s tale about ancient Neopia, about a water demon named Leviathan who once ruled the waters of Neopia, until he was slain. Putting aside the story, Lucifer thought that it was a rather good name that suited him; after all, he was Maraquan. This is it, Leviathan would be my name from now on, he decided as his eyes blazed with intensity and the ruby pendant seemed to glow as well.
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2005
  18. Ooo... Good chapter. I wonder who really spiked the Draik's drink? Somehow I get the feeling it wasn't the Krawks...

    I like your description of the Transmogrification/Morphing from the Neopet's point of view. I have yet to read another story in which they give any hints as to what it feels like.

    [SPOIL]I think his 'half' is his brother, Lucied Elemental.[/SPOIL]
    [EDIT] *fixes* Sorry, Knightblazer. Somehow I got the impression...
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 26, 2005
  19. Knightblazer

    Knightblazer Memories in the Rain

    [spoil]You got it right, it is Lucied. And he's a MALE. -.-;[/spoil]
  20. It's great! You should enter it in the neopian times!
    (I'm not done reading yet, but I really wanted to post!)

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