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Forgotten Memories, The Banished Renegade's Revenge

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Well-Known Member
Welcome all to my fan fiction labelled "Forgotten Memories, The Banished Renegade's Revenge". This is the tale of a boy, not just some new trainer boy, but a mysterious one who will embark on a journey to find something he's been missing his entire life. Without further ado, shall we begin?

NOTE: I have decided through multiple cliche searching, reviews, and friend support, to "revise" my fan fiction in terms of the plot. IN NO WAY am I giving up on the grand idea that I had and abandoning it (as some of my friends have pointed out that it has great potential, just lacks the necessary pacing and development). I just really feel as if I could start the story a better way than the way I did.

Honestly, there are alot people I want to thank.

Dragonfree:He answered a question I was having for introducing my fan fiction, and after I looked through it multiple times, I finally understood what he meant. Thank you.
Epicninjask:The review he posted on Chapter 1 really opened up a conflict I was having with myself on the pacing. He pointed out great things that I needed to understand and I thank you for that.
JX: I would like to sincerely thank you for making me create an entirely new prologue. You my good sir, rock.
Scaldaver: Your review on the Prologue really made me think on it and make it more descriptive :) Thank you

And so, I would like to re edit my story. Also, if one of the mods could please close/ delete/ or remove all of the posts up till now for this thread?

If this is against any of the rules, I apologize now, I went through the forum rule guide and I didn't see anything about a request for a thread deletion so I assume it's ok?

Chapter 0:

The Prologue

Running was all he could do.

He didn't know where he was going, how he would escape, but knew that being captured was not an option.

His ears twitched slightly, as he could hear the barks and screams of nearby threats that had been closing on his trail. With haste, he sprinted faster as drops of sweat began to drip down his forehead. His heart rate steadily increased with each step he took.

The moonlight that was cast over the grassy plains illuminated the scenery and revealed the shadow's of his pursuers.

“Don’t let it escape!” a husky voice screamed from the opposite direction.

Swiftly, he picked up his pace, ignoring his current surroundings until he tripped over a rock that had been laying on the floor. His back arched awkwardly as he began to tumble down the hill. He continued to fall until he splashed into a river that laid below him. His body plummeted to the ocean floor as he opened his eyes and gazed upon the moon above him. Refusing to yield, he waddled his legs as his body floated. Knowing that he would be discovered if he emerged, he continued to float underwater until they were gone.

Two silhouettes of human figures had stepped out of the tall grass and looked around the area. Frantically, they cocked their heads around but to their annoyance, the target couldn't be found.

“Blast it! We let it get away” one of the shadowed images exclaimed as he held a flash light.

Next to these pursuers were two dark canine creatures that had been snarling since the target they had been chasing had got away.

Believing that he had escaped, the two began to walk away from the scene until they were nowhere in sight.

Confirming that they were gone, he cocked his head up from the river as he let out a huge exhale.

He leaped up from the water, unfortunately dripping wet from being submerged for quite some time. He looked around the area and discovered a small narrow pathway that lead into a pitch black forest.

He nodded, deciding that this would be his next destination. He continued to run towards the forest that was overshadowed with pitch black. The forest possessed a terrifying atmosphere towards it and didn't look as welcoming as the forests that appeared in broad day light, but he was left without a choice. He decided to venture inside the mysterious green land as he needed a place to rest and recover his strength.

Surviving was all that mattered to him, no matter the cost. He made a promise that he was going to keep, and he wasn't going to let him down.
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Shaymin Lover
First off, you should have already posted Chapter 1, which you would know if you had read the rules.

So... Basically summarizing what we already know from the games? The only difference is that Cyrus is after Arceus... Now, since Ash has not been told about Unova, you technically can't talk about it. Unova hadn't been discovered yet, so you CANNOT use Gen V Pokèmon. Okay.

Without further a do, I present...
Yes, I know it's technically not the story yet, but ado is spelled wrong. Spell it without a space between 'a' and 'do'.

With his adventures in the Hoenn region coming to a close, Ash Ketchum who had placed in the Top 8 at the Ever Grande Conference located in the Hoenn region looked towards the horizon as he laid...
Needs commas like this:

Ash Ketchum, who had placed in the Top 8 at the Ever Grande Conference located in the Hoenn region, looked towards the horizon as he laid...

...old rival Gary Oak, who informed him of a brand new region to explore; Ash set out for Sinnoh.
That semi-colon should be a comma.

...only Unova, Sinnoh , Hoenn , Johto, and Kanto but...
Read the bit about Unova at the beginning. There should not be so many spaces there– compare these:

Peanut butter, jelly , bread , honey , and cheese , all go on sandwiches.

Peanut butter, jelly, bread, honey, and cheese, all go on sandwiches.

The second one is correct.

You've got a few more incidents of sentences that need commas. When writing, actually read it out to yourself, and where you pause, even just a bit, add punctuation. Commas are short pauses, periods are long stops, dashes (not hyphens) are medium stops, and colons are used in a pause before examples, like this:

Things I like:


You get the idea? Good.

I'll watch this to see how it turns out! Keep writing!


JX Valentine

First off, you should have already posted Chapter 1, which you would know if you had read the rules.
Hey, you know what is actually against the rules? Mini-modding.

That said, I don't know, Shymain. The only rule the OP has to follow is that the story has to begin in the first post. (As in, you're correct, TheBlackDuelist, on the idea that you're not supposed to post "fanfiction coming soon" and then leave it for an hour.) Prologues are the beginnings of a story. They're chapters, and even if they occur before the main events of your storyline, that doesn't mean that they're not excluded from your story. So yeah, technically, there's nothing wrong with posting just the prologue. Furthermore, as far as I can tell, it clears the one-page minimum rule also set for a post, so TheBlackDuelist is good there too. As in, everything about that first post is very technically kosher if we consider it part of the story.

But that's the part where it gets tricky. See, a prologue is literally a chapter. It's just that the chapter in question happens before the main events of the fic, as I've said before. The main goal of the prologue is to set up a kind of hook to get people interested in your story, so you want to make sure that not only is something happening in your prologue but also that this something is interesting to a reader.

Therein lies the main issue with this prologue. It's just a block of information. Not only that, but it's also three disjointed sets of information. So to start things off, it feels like the prologue is very thrown together, like you're trying to give us a synopsis of your story instead of actually telling your story. Moreover, the disjointed bit comes in because once you finish one block, it feels as if you're actually going to finish the prologue off there, but it just continues into the next block of information. In short, everything feels like it stands alone, rather than that there's a coherent flow from one "scene" to the next. It's made particularly obvious when one realizes that you're jumping back and forth through time and focusing on three right now unrelated casts of characters. In a way, it feels like you're summarizing/leading up to three completely different fics because the reader can't connect these three blocks of information to one another.

What I would suggest is focusing on one and turning it into a scene. For example, instead of summarizing Giratina's banishment why not show us a scene of it? Describe the fight, the appearance of Arceus, and the banishment of Giratina as if you're writing it for the main part of the story. Alternatively, if you want to focus on Ash, you can have him learn about the new region and decide to journey through it, and if you want to focus on Team Galactic, you could write a scene in which Cyrus discusses his plan with his subordinates. The point is, you'll want to write your prologue as if you're writing something for the main part of your story. That's a bit more dynamic, and it grabs a reader's attention more easily. People would be more willing to continue on to the first chapter if the first thing you gave them was an intense first scene to open the story.

Also, that's why I say this prologue is right now sitting in the gray area. On the one hand, a prologue is and should be the beginning of your story. On the other hand, that's not what this prologue is doing. So if you really want to impress your readers and keep yourself out of the forum-legal gray area, it may be a good idea to rewrite this prologue by turning one block of information into a full-fledged scene.

That and I'm not entirely sure of what kind of story you're trying to set up here. Shymain's right. It almost looks like you're going into a novelized form of the anime, rather than writing a story that's completely your own. If you gave us an idea of what kind of changes you're making to the anime's storyline, that might be one thing, but as a warning, if you're basically retelling the anime in fic form, you're going to run into the issue that is people constantly comparing your work with the anime. That might sound like what you want to have happen, but what this actually means is that your readers will feel like they've already seen this and that they'll be more likely to nitpick the crap out of your fic for inconsistencies in canon. (I'm not saying that Serebii is full of that kind of reader. Just that you may get a few like that.) It's definitely safer if you either come up with your own story (e.g., writing a fic about a journey Ash takes post canon or writing a fic about a different character undergoing a journey) or clearly presenting what your twist will be from the get-go. That way, we'll feel less like we're going into something we've already seen.

In short, I can definitely sense that you have potential. It's just that you're falling into some very common traps for new fic authors, and with some pretty easy (albeit probably not really all that quick) fixes, you could probably steer clear of those traps and come up with something that really grabs a reader's attention. So with that said, it's really difficult to judge your writing style because I feel like this prologue might not have been the best example of your work (or that it wasn't written to be an example of your storytelling capabilities), so I'm holding off on comments past whether or not this prologue does its job as a prologue. In other words, I'm curious about your first chapter, so I'll keep an eye on this thread to take a look when it comes.


Shaymin Lover
^ Oh I apologize for not posting Chapter 1 within the 15 minutes. I actually did read the rules I was just confused as to If I posted like "Fan Fiction coming soon" then I would have to post another chapter.
I wasn't planning on using Gen 5 Pokemon I just thought that since the whole world was at stake, Unova would also be included.

Thanks for reviewing it properly, I'll pick up on your critique

Okay, that's good that you're not using Gen V Pokèmon. Sorry about the first sentence, that came out sort of harsh. JX may be right– the actual meaning of the rules can mean multiple things, depending on how you read it.

I thought this:

4) You must post your story within fifteen minutes of starting the thread.
If your thread will contain a single work (such as a one-shot or a single poem), then it must be in the first post. However, if it will contain multiple segments or parts (such as in a chapter fic, an anthology of poems or drabbles, etc) you do not have to post the first installment in the very first post. In this case, you must then post it no more than fifteen minutes later. This means that for the latter, you have different options of what to put in the first post, such as:
author’s notes
background information
chapter index
PM list
a prologue
the first chapter

If part of your story is not in the first post, then you must post it immediately afterwards – we will check the post time. Saying “I will post my fic later” is not acceptable. Similarly, you must post the entire chapter at once – don’t divide a chapter into multiple posts or only write up half of it and edit in the rest later. The exception to this is if your chapter is too long to fit onto one post. Please also note that you cannot link to your fic on another site.

Meant that you had to post the first chapter within 15 minutes.


Really and truly
Shymain, the Fan Fiction Rules specifically state that it is perfectly acceptable to post a prologue with or before the first chapter. In fact, the very list from the Rules you pasted includes the option of "a prologue" right before "the first chapter." Also, considered it was titled "Chapter 0," that means it would logically be the first chapter, even if it's not called "Chapter 1."

Please don't mini-mod, especially if you don't actually know the Rules. :/

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Shaymin Lover
Oh. My. Word. TBD, this is an AMAZING improvement on the original prologue. This is nothing like the anime anymore, and it is now your own, unique, writing. The style that you write with is enchanting, capturing the hatred, the fear, the suffering, the thirst for power, everything, in fact, perfectly.

Now, you still have room for improvement, but I can tell that you are either a gifted author, a person who works extremely hard, or, most likely, both. The only mistakes that I can find here are the sentences that need pauses– remember the commas? Try reading your story out to yourself, and put pauses everywhere that you pause while reading it. It's just a minor thing, really, so don't stress about it.

So, some of my favorite parts of this story:

I especially loved the part where Giratina, now banished into the other dimension, is changing into his Origin Forme. It describes how it feels very well, so well, in fact, I could almost imagine it happening to me. Yes, it's just one sentence, but that's all you really need, in my opinion.

I see that you are making this fic with a darker tone, but throwing in the occasional joke or humorous content, which is excellent.

You are doing very well, and I hope you continue like this!

Keep writing!



Only Mostly Dead
Heyo. I'm here from the review game and I'll be commenting on Chapter 0.

With his adventures in the Hoenn region coming to a close, Ash Ketchum, who had placed in the Top 8 at the Ever Grande Conference located in the Hoenn region, looked towards the horizon as he laid his hands on top of the railing on the cruise ship that was headed towards an island in the far distance.
There’s a lot of information in this one sentence and it reaches a point where it starts to feel a little rambly and disorganized. Perhaps breaking it up into more digestible chunks might help it come off a bit less breathless. (There are multiple sentences in this prologue that are like this.)

Then again, part of the issue I think you’re having here is that you’re trying to cram in exposition and backstory as quick as possible instead of letting the facts of Ash’s situation come out more gradually and naturally (this is especially evident considering that Ash’s Hoenn experiences aren’t even relevant in this chapter)—perhaps through conversations and events more than omnipotent narration. I think the image of Ash looking into the distance toward an island is a good iconic start (and something the anime has certainly done before), but I think it gets a little muddled with the backstory set-up being pushed in with it.

After being defeated by his old rival. Gary Oak, who informed him of a brand new region to explore, Ash set out for Sinnoh.
I think you meant for there to be a comma there instead of a period.

He was headed out towards the Sinnoh Region, ready to tackle his next adventure with his cute, small, and yellow partner and hopefully where he would compete in the region’s national league and be declared the Pokemon Champion.
I’m not really sure how the adjective pile-up helps you here. You’ve been pretty unambiguous about who Ash is (not doing something like saying “the black-haired trainer with a baseball cap” or something like that) so not wanting to drop Pikachu’s name seems kind of pointless. And the description you’re giving of him is too generic to be one that really creates an impression on the reader.

Unbeknownst to Ash who was still concentrating on his next adventure, that the region where he was headed to next would soon be under jeopardy, and that the fate of all of the Pokemon inhabiting not only Sinnoh, Hoenn, Johto, and Kanto but possibly the entire Pokemon world could be at stake.
You’ll need a comma after “Ash” for that little aside. Also, the wording seems a little awkward here to me. Let’s take out the aside and look at it without that distraction: “Unbeknownst to Ash that the region where he was headed to next would soon be under jeopardy.” The “that” and “under” both make the sentence read a little unnaturally. First of all, I believe things are “in” jeopardy, not “under” them. As for the “that,” it doesn’t really match up with “unbeknownst.” I think you could nix it and the sentence would sound much better. Either that or add an “It was” before unbeknownst so that “that” has something to go with.

Giratina, the creature that possessed six black, ghostly streamers on its back that each had a bright red spike at the end opened its mouth,
Me: *types “Giratina” into Bulbapedia*

The result: The Origin Forme of Giratina has six black, ghostly streamers on its back that each have a bright red spike at the end.

…It’s fine to use online descriptions for reference, but you really should be writing your own descriptions, not lifting them from somewhere else. I noticed you do this again with Arceus. In all honesty, doing something like this with your descriptions is, at best, unoriginal and, at worst, plagiarism.

Giratina, the creature that possessed six black, ghostly streamers on its back that each had a bright red spike at the end opened its mouth, that was hidden by the head plates and as it reared it's head back, it began gathering up a huge amount of negative energy. Then, without warning fired this terrifying force at it's two brethren. Palkia, the dinosaur looking type deity attempted to match Giratina'a ferocious onslaught and brought it's human shaped hands together and began to gather a great surge of positive energy. The colour of this energy shifted from pure white into that of a seemingly clear light pink colour. With all of it's might, Palkia brought his hands behind it's oval head and launched the pool of energy that he had created towards the negative energy. It only took an instant for the two energies to collide but when they did, the shock wave that was created from the impact was beyond staggering. The two pools of energy conversed with one another for what seemed to be an eternity, until Giratina's negative energy was able to slightly overpower Palkia's positive counterpart. Eventually, the light pink energy he fired was pushed further and further back until finally, it was completely overtaken by Giratina's attack. Diagla, the sauropod like Pokemon, realized the outcome of this and quickly rushed in front of Palkia with unimaginable speed. It was the governor of time so it had been able to slow down time for an instant to make it seem as if it could move faster than they eye could see. As it appeared in front of the dazzled Palkia, the colour of Dialga's deep and sharp eyes had changed and instead of it's threatening red pupils, yellow ones had begun to take it's place. This was a warning from the deity that it was about to become serious. As quickly as it came, Dialga produced a roar that could shake even the heavens to their core. The intensity of this roar would most likely blow the decibel scale right off the charts. The negative energy that had previously overtaken Palkia's attack slowly descended backwards until it could no longer bear the attack any more and was destroyed in mid air.
I would suggest breaking up this paragraph. There are a lot of moving action beats and lumping it all together into one paragraph makes it seem like everything’s happening at once and robs the scene of a lot of the rhythm and clarity it really should have. Breaking it up more should also help you to better organize your ideas and see what needs more description.

As for Arceus, he was not in the best of moods after he had been sleeping for an eternity and was in fact enjoying the endless nap, but for it to be challenged by one of it's offspring was unthinkable.
With something like this, you might get something more impactful, natural and imagistic if, instead of just telling us that Arceus is unhappy that its sleep has been interrupted, you showed it engaging in some sort of physical acting to show us its unhappiness.

Minor note, but this is an error I’ve seen multiple places in this chapter: “it’s” is short for “it is.” If you want to indicate possession, just go with plain old “its.” This is one of those weird apostrophe-less use of possessive that you’re just gonna have to memorize.

Arceus then began to glow proficiently while beginning to emit a sound wave from it's body.
The word "proficiently" seems a little odd to me here. Like… it’s just saying that Arceus is good at glowing? I’d think something that would describe the glow itself—like that it was particularly bright or hazy or the color or whatever—than just tell us that Arceus is adept at it.

So loud in fact that it was able to cause Palkia to cover it's ears, even though it did not posses any.
This feels like a bit of a tonal shift here to me. The atmosphere has been very battle oriented and dramatic until now and it felt like the events had a real weight to them. This line feels kinda jokey to me, and that’s a bit at odds with the mood.

It was a prime example of Blessed with Suck.
Using TV tropes like this, in what seems like an otherwise serious and dramatic scene, kinda breaks the flow again. It feels a little too meta and comedic to work with what’s been established so far. I could dig it in a 4th wall-breaking comedy or parody, but that doesn’t feel like what this is, so it seems out of place.

As with everyone region,
Should be “every.”

On that note, there are a fair amount of technical errors in this, either from misspelling, flubbed punctuation or the wrong word being used (I haven't pointed them all out). I'd suggest putting this through the spell checker and reading it over again to catch the errors that spell check can't pick up on. A good tip I've heard for revision is to read the story backwards sentence by sentence (because that way you can just focus on the sentences individually instead of letting your mind fill in what you meant to write).

Reading the story out loud should also help you fix parts that could use rewording. What's more, it should help you catch on to areas where sentences or paragraphs are getting a little overstuffed and should be broken up.

You've got what seems to be a very climatic and dramatic subject matter set up here, what with clashing and vengeful legendaries and whatnot and that could lead to some exciting places. I do often feel, though, like a lot of the impact of what you're trying to set up here is undercut by the way you go about it. There's a lot of telling here and not a lot of showing--not nearly as many dramatic images to take away as you'd expect from something like gods fighting. And the emotional content is delivered as exposition, not as something that the reader can feel along with the character. Hence the fact that I don't get much of a sense for the characters just yet.

This is just the prologue, so I'm sure you're building to more later, but a lot of what I've pointed out here minimizes the interest I could have in the story you're persuading me to listen to with this prologue. That's why I'd suggest taking another look at this prologue. It's your first impression to the reader of what they're going to get, and right now, despite the tantalizing elements of warring legandaries and revenge, it's not one that hooks me into the next chapter. But you've obviously got workable elements here, so I think you could benefit a great deal from polishing and organizing your text more and fixing up your descriptions so that they're more poignant and emotive and are not taken from other websites. If you do that, you'll have a much more compelling start here.

I wish you luck as you revise.


Shadow of nothing
Alright, one prologue review coming up. Bear in mind I haven't read the rest of the story, so some of my comments might be due to ignorance of future points, I don't know.

To start, personally, I find the current format somewhat frustrating to read. The one sentence paragraphs, at least to me, are very distracting, making the writing feel very choppy, and taking away from the overall effect of the piece. That being said, I find the way the scene is written to be very unique, and once I got passed the paragraphing, very engaging. Despite the relative simplicity of the descriptions, they convey the action taking place very well.

Now, from the beginning.

The short little bit with Ash at the very beginning seems a bit out of place to me, as thought it doesn't serve any purpose. It doesn't really move Ash's character forwards, or really have any plot value. Yes, it summarizes the events that lead up to where he is, but a lot of this can be guessed from your summary, and can be summed up in a later chapter pretty easily.

I don't really have a good way to break the fight scene up, so I will try and tackle it all in one go, but I might be a little choppy.

As a generally thing, the battle was written well, keeping things moving nicely. Generally the descriptions are good, and don't break up your pacing or feel horribly out of place, well done. The later parts of the scene, Giratina's banishment, and the events after feel a little rushed, and could probably do with to fleshing out of emotions and reactions to what happened.

Obviously, with a fight scene, defining characters can be a little difficult, and I think you did a pretty good job. It is obvious that Dialga still cares for Giratina in some way, and Giratina is just out to destroy the other two, for some reason. However, within the bounds of their current relationship, i.e. a mutual agreement to ensure survival, I am not sure I can see Palkia jumping in front of an attacking meant for Dialga. It just feels off to me, and I can't quite pinpoint why.

I am starting to see double looking at the screen, and I think I got everything I needed, so I am going to stop before I start rambling.


Hallo! Here from the review game to review—for the third time now—the prologue of this.

I'll start with what has turned into a line-by-line correction-fest.

He laid his hands on top of the railing on the cruise ship that was headed towards an island in the far distance.
This sentence needs to be broken up somehow; it reads extremely awkwardly, which I suspect has something to do with using three prepositional phrases in a row. I'm hesitant to give a suggestion that you can just copy and paste in, so you'll need to work on this yourself. Again, I recommend breaking up your prepositional phrases and cutting out extraneous information—there are much better ways of establishing that Ash is on a cruise ship than just saying he's on a cruise ship.

After being defeated by his old rival, Gary Oak, who informed him of a brand new region to explore, Ash set out for immediately.
Missing a word here in the bolded clause. Also, you have misused the italicized appositive. The way it has been put in the sentence, the appositive is an essential appositive, which means that it does not need commas surrounding it. However, you do need a comma after the prepositional phrase "by his old rival Gary Oak." The sentence should read: "After being defeated by his old rival Gary Oak, who informed him of a brand new region to explore, Ash set out for [Sinnoh?] immediately.

He was headed towards the Sinnoh Region, ready to tackle his next adventure with his faithful companion Pikachu,
We just established in the previous sentence (once edited) that Ash was heading towards Sinnoh. Either of the references to Sinnoh must be removed to avoid redundancy. I also find this appositive to be unnecessary, but that's a personal preference on my part (it makes the sentence rather lengthy).

and hopefully where he would compete in the region’s national league and be declared the Pokemon Champion.
Passive voice is in bold. You don't use coordinating conjunctions before a subordinate clause, so you can remove the underlined "and." You'll want to move the "hopefully" as well to fix the sentence.

It was unbeknownst to Ash, who was still concentrating on his next adventure,
Passive voice bolded. You can remove the "it was" to make the sentence sound much better. Again, unneeded appositive can be removed.

The fate of all the Pokemon inhabiting not only Sinnoh, Hoenn, Johto, and Kanto but possibly the entire Pokemon world were going to be at stake.
"fate" is singular, so "were" must be changed to "was."

Several Thousand Years Ago......
Another personal note, but I don't see much need for more than an ellipsis here.

Somewhere deep in another dimension that was covered in endless shades of black and white,
If you can use less words, you should always use less words. I would find a way to remove the bolded portion. I would recommend replacing it with "of."

a battle was taking place. This wasn't any ordinary Pokemon battle, in which the only risks were that of utter defeat at the hands of your opponent.
"only" and "utter" are in opposition here. You might want to remove "utter." Also, the bolded "were" reads awkwardly and should be changed to "are."

No, this battle was risking quite possibly the destruction of an entire universe. This titanic conflict involved the governors of Space, Time, and Distortion:
Personal note, but I would remove "quite possibly." At the very least, move "quite possibly" to after "this battle was." Again, less is more.

Giratina, the creature that possessed six long streamers across it's back that stretched outwards, opened its mouth. It was hidden by the dark head plates that overshadowed his black lips, and as he reared it's head back, a tremendous amount of negative energy began to form around them.
This reads as a straight info-dump. This is a very common trap for people trying to add description, and one that downright shreds immersion. You need to better integrate the description into the story, rather than giving us a paragraph in the middle of the action that just describes the creature.

If you're going to name the Pokémon, then your audience already know what it looks like, and describing it is redundant (as it is here). Feel free to describe a creature and then give the name, but doing it the other way around is uncomfortable.

Bolded "it" as of right now has an undefined antecedent. I would replace with "the mouth" (I would work first on better integrating the description first, though).

You bounce between "it" and "him." You need to decide on your pronoun.

Italicized "it's" needs to be changed to "its."

Antecedent for underlined "them" is "head" right now. I would reorganize sentence to clarify.

Intent on finishing them off, Giratina fired this terrifying force at it's two brethren that hovered in the same environment.

Bolded "them" needs an antecedent.

Palkia, the dinosaur looking type deity,
Taking the appositive for Palkia, nuke it from orbit, and never look back. Along with the advice given above, it's easily the worst portion in the entire prologue.

attempted to match Giratina'a ferocious onslaught.
Bolded typo.

It brought it's human shaped hands together and began to gather a great surge of positive energy.
Human-shaped reads awkwardly. "Positive" and "negative" make for poor descriptions in terms of imagery.

The colour of this energy shifted from pure white into that of a seemingly clear light pink colour.
The word you're looking for is translucent. Underlined portions can be removed. Less is more.

With all of his might, Palkia brought it's hands behind it's oval head, and launched the pool of energy that he had created towards the negative energy.
You're bouncing between pronouns again. Pick one and choose. Bolded "pool" is poor word choice. Sphere? Ball? Bundle?

It only took an instant for the two energies to collide, but when they did, the shock wave
"Shockwave" is one word. Bolded comma should be removed.

that was created from the impact was beyond staggering.
It would be better if you just described the effects of the shockwave on the three deities.

The two pools of energy conversed with one another for what seemed to be an eternity,
Again, replace pools. Also replace conversed, as I'm assuming these two bundles of raw power did not sit down and have a nice chat.

until Giratina's negative energy was able to slightly overpower Palkia's positive counterpart.
Underlined portion needs to be trimmed. I would suggest replacing with "overpowered." Less is more.

Eventually, the light pink energy he fired was pushed further and further back,
Bolded "he" has no antecedent. Replace with "Palkia."

Diagla, the sauropod Pokemon, realized the outcome of this futile struggle and quickly rushed in front of Palkia with untraceable speed.
Speaking of Dialga, what has he been doing in the mean time? Having a chat with the balls of energy? "Quickly rushed... ...with untraceable speed" is redundant. I would remove quickly and reorganize sentence.

It was the governor of time, manipulating time in it's favour was mere child's play for the deity.
Use of "time" is redundant, reorganize sentence or lop one "time" off. Bolded "it's" needs to be changed to "its," and also has no antecedent. Recommend replacing underlined "it" with "Dialga?"

As it appeared in front of the dazzled Palkia, the colour of Dialga's deep and sharp eyes had changed, and instead of it's threatening red pupils, blue ones had took take it's place.
"it" has to be clarified, recommend replacing with "Dialga." Remove italicized "had." Recommend replacement for underlined "appeared"— maybe "rushed" again. Entire last half of sentence should be reworded, reads very awkwardly. Less is more.

Reluctant as it was, Dialga knew that Giratina's attack was not to be taken lightly, and gathered up as much energy as it could.
Vacillating again on your pronouns. Pick one.

As quickly as it came, Dialga produced a roar that could shake even the heavens to their core.
Bolded "it" has no antecedent. I don't even know what it's referring to.

The intensity of this roar would most likely blow the decibel scale right off the charts.
This makes no sense. Decibels are a unit of measurement. This is equivalent to saying that Dialga is so heavy he blows the gram scale right off the charts. Decibels can measure very loud sounds; it's the reason that the scale is logarithmic in the first place.

The negative energy that had previously overtaken Palkia's attack slowly descended backwards.
Descend backwards makes no sense. Descend is to go down.

It was pushed further and further back until finally, it could no longer bear it's strength, and exploded in mid air.
Bolded "it/'s" need antecedent. Underlined "it's" should be "its."

The debris of the explosion shifted the three deities back a few feet as they hovered in the endless space of the universe.
The debris shifted them back? What debris? I thought they were floating in space. The force shifted them back, maybe?

Also recommend replacing "shifted" with a stronger verb. Remove underlined portion.

As the dust settled, the thee Pokemon glared at one another, with Giratina pulling of a faint smirk of superiority over the two.
Bolded typo. I don't know why Palkia and Dialga are glaring at each other. Smirks can't be faint. They can be slight, however.

Even they had to admit,

Time wouldn't have been able to stop it.

Honestly, I think you've gotten the idea of of your errors at this point; I have neither the time nor the patience to finish with the density of grammatical errors.

On the bright side, most of your errors are slight and most are the same; going through line by line is going to be most of the effort, rather than trying to think of ways to fix the errors.

Unfortunately, I do need to get to work right now, so I guess you get this huge review for free!


Heya! I'm here for the review game; so, without further adieu:

A mysterious youth crash lands in Twin Leaf Town. Who is this young boy and what does he have embedded in his right arm? This youth might be the secret behind unlocking the truth behind Giratina. How will Ash and Co react towards this strange boy? The Sinnoh Saga continues, with Ryu on his journey to find his lost memories

As much as I love teasing openings, this sounds a tad revealing and cliched. I mean, the introduction of Giratina here seems a bit out of place. Apart from that, it's pretty good and sets the mood very well. Just saying, you shouldn't capitalise the c in 'Co' and there should be a full-stop at the end here.

Somewhere deep in another dimension of endless shades of black and white, a battle was taking place. This wasn't any ordinary Pokemon battle, in which the only risks was that of defeat at the hands of your opponent.

Bold, striking, mysterious - love it. You've built up the battle to paramount proportions and I'm ready for something epic. As you've only labelled one risk, take the s off of 'risks'. Actually, that whole last sentence could be re-worked to be more fluent; how about: 'This wasn't any ordinary Pokemon battle, in which the only risk was defeat at the hands of your opponent.'. Exactly the same thing, though much less convoluted.

No, this battle quite possibly was risking the destruction of an entire universe. This titanic conflict involved the governors of Space, Time, and Distortion:

Dialga, the governor of Time and Flow
Palkia, the governor of Space and Creation
Giratina, the governor of Distortion and Reversal
Daaaayum, I was not disappointed! You've built it up well even further, but my only critique here is the confused flow of the first sentence. Change it to 'No, this battle was quite possibly risking...' as that just flows better.

Floating there was a creature that possessed six long streamers across his back that stretched outwards. Giratina, whose mouth was hidden by dark head plates, reared his head back as he opened his mouth. A tremendous amount of black spiralling energy twirled around the front of his mouth. The energy was pitch black and took the form of a gigantic sphere.
Repetition of 'his mouth' and 'energy' is a bit jarring - use synonyms or further description of the energy to help describe instead of show.

Giratina fired this terrifying force towards his two brethren that hovered in the same environment.

Palkia, the creature that was enveloped in light pink essence in the form of lines, attempted to match Giratina's ferocious onslaught. He brought his trembling arms towards each other and began to gather a great amount of spiralling light energy that twirled around his arms.
Nice introduction of Palkia! Seamless. I don't know why, but the use of 'that' in the first sentence is weird for me - why not try 'who', as that makes Dialga and Palkia seem more like living things than objects.

The colour of this energy shifted from pure white into translucent clear light pink colour.
For ease of reading, change 'into' to 'to', add 'a' between 'into' and 'translucent' and put commas between those adjectives!

With all of his might, Palkia brought his hands behind his head, and launched his sphere of energy towards Giratina's pitch black sphere.
Unnecessary second comma and you should end the paragraph at 'Giratina's'.

It only took an instant for the two energies to collide, but when they did the shockwave that was created from the impact was beyond staggering. Huge quantities of wind gushed from the clash of the two spheres. The dimension itself was being ripped apart by the frequent disruptions that were made. The two bundles of energy engaged one another endlessly, until Giratina's black sphere was able to overpower Palkia's positive counterpart.

Eventually, the light pink energy Palkia fired was pushed further and further back until it was finally overtaken by Giratina's attack.
Your main problem so far is repetition and unnecessary reiteration. All the parts in bold are unnecessary or repetitive, so this should be reworked. Note especially how the last line is summed up in the penultimate one.

Diagla, the sauropod deity that glowed in a blue essence, realized the outcome of this futile struggle and flickered in front of Palkia in an instant.

As Dialga appeared in front of the dazzled Palkia, the colour of his deep and sharp eyes had changed, and instead of his threatening red pupils, blue ones took their place. Reluctant as he was, Dialga knew that Giratina's attack was not to be taken lightly, and gathered up as much energy as he could. Inhaling heavily, Dialga produced a roar that could shake even the heavens to their core.
Look, here it is again. You mention Dialga appearing before Palkia, then say it again in the next sentence. You could swap 'As Dialga appeared in front of the dazzled Palkia' with 'Suddenly', to highlight the quickness. And why is Palkia dazzled? I like the rest of it though - building up another epic battle!

The pitch black sphere that had previously overtaken Palkia's attack slowly shifted backwards. It was pushed further and further back until it could no longer bear the magnitude of his roar.
Again. Change to: The pitch black sphere that had previously overtaken Palkia's attack slowly shifted further and further back until it could no longer bear the magnitude of his roar.

The force of the explosion gusted the three deities back a few feet as they hovered in the endless space of the universe. As the dust settled, the two deities glared at their traitorous brother, while Giratina pulled off a slight smirk of superiority over the two.
Dust settling is very cliched, and questionable if this is in the space of the universe. 'Gusted' sounds weird - why not stick to 'forced' or 'blown'? Overall, however, I like the power captured here.

Palkia and Dialga had to admit, Giratina's strength surpassed both of them individually. If wasn't for the fact that Palkia's sphere was able to weaken Giratina's sphere, Dialga's roar might not have been enough to stop it. Realizing team work would be the only solution, Palkia and Diagla shifted their pupils to the side, glancing at each other.

It was no surprise that the two of them were not the best of terms, what with the number of attempts they tried to destroy one another. In fact, before Giratina established itself as the ruler of this dimension, the two couldn't stand each other. However, even though they weren't the best of buddies, they had come to respect each other's strength and instinctively knew how reliable the other was.
This is unquestionably badass and I love it. I would say, however, you could give meaning to the glance, rather than just saying they glanced over. For example: 'Palkia and Dialga glanced over to each other, the two immediately sure of their goal' or something like that.

Girtatina pulled off a spine-chilling smile, unimpressed with the magnitude of Palkia's assault.
Good use of changing sentence structure - makes for a very impressive statement.

Alarmed, he rotated his head backwards to find the origin of these sounds and to his utter disbelief, there he was. The sauropod pokemon that had vanished was now hovering a good distance behind the shadow Pokemon.
If that wasn't surprising enough, in his mouth was an enormous quantity of spiralling energy that was similar to Palkia's and Giratina's spheres.
An extra line. I like this battle scene!

How could Giratina not have realized it. Dialga was time. If there was any being in existence that could manipulate time in their favour, Dialga was your pick. Giratina had landed itself in a bad position, with Dialga on one side and Palkia on the other. However, even though he was cornered, Giratina was certainly not outmatched. He decided to wait it out, planning on making his move when they left themselves vulnerable.
I love how you've mentioned Dialga's abilities in a battle, but you'd also have to come up with a reason why Dialga didn't charge immediately and fire infinite shots using time-screwing abilities.

Dialga, who still poured as much energy as he possibly could into his forthcoming attack, pondered for a moment. If this attack did succeed, and they were able to silence Giratina once and for all, what would they gain?
The only thing that would result from this struggle would be the death of their misguided brother.
Another line separation.

Palkia, who on the the other side of the stationary deity, resolved itself to do what was needed to be done. Bringing his hands together, he once again focused all of his strength into shaping an immense sphere. However, this time the concentration was much more powerful, and Palkia could feel his arms being ripped apart at the sheer magnitude of how devastating the force was.
You've done a good job of hyping up the attack, but ARMS RIPPING APART? I think you should use something less gruesome to illustrate this power.

Dialga's conflicted eyes widened considerably as he heard his brother's shriek. He could tell immediately from the tone of the scream, that Palkia was telling him to stop holding back. Still not convinced, Dialga screamed back at his firm brother, asking how he could kill Giratina without a second thought. Dialga just con't do it, Giratina was family and using such force on your own family was something that Dialga loathed.

Sure, the three of them had gotten into several arguments with one another which resulted in minor fights, but this was different. Dialga could see in Giratina's eyes how determined he was on destroying the two of them.
Didn't you just say the two (Palk and Dialg) tried to destroy each other many times? Also, I'd replace the last comma with a semi-colon as it's separating two different sorts of phrases.

But why? Why had Giratina become like this? Why did it have to come down to such a meaningless battle? Dialga was so conflicted on what to do until he heard Giratina let out an eerie laugh. Both of the deities turned their attentions towards their brethren, chuckling at the two of them. Just what was so funny?

Giratina's chuckling came to a sudden stop as he he faced Diagla, beaming him with his murderous eyes.
Okay, you've used mysterious, cliched chuckling to the fullest and then some. When you write, try and re-read after a day or two to spot any repetition.

[/QUOTe]The two siblings locked eyes with each other, neither making a single movement. Dialga couldn't believe that this was the same brother he had known for millenniums. He had changed so much, compared to how he was before this whole pointless conflict started. [/QUOTE]

Plural of millennium is millennia. And again you reference how peaceful things were before when you said they ALWAYS tried to destroy each other.

Unexpectedly, Giratina made a dash for Dialga, while the sauropod Pokemon was still gathering the energy for his next attack. Knowing that Dialga was completely vulnerable during this interval, Giratina took this chance.
Yet before you said that Dialga always had time. Or does it lose this ability when charging? Please make this clear.

Palkia, knowing his brother was in danger, stopped gathering his compressed force and flew as fast as he could towards the two. He had to stop Giratina no matter what, regardless of his brother's feelings.
As the shadow creature steadily approached the still charging Pokemon, Dialga froze. He couldn't find the strength to get out of the way, or launch his collected energy. He just floated there, watching his former friend approach him.
Add another line. And again you say they were once friends.

I like the drama this gives; so short and simplistic, yet so powerful!

A sudden burning sensation overtook Palkia's sense as he had absolutely no idea what he was feeling. Slowly, he lowered his head to find the cause of the sharp pain, and to his astonishment, one of Giratina's horns had been embedded into the centre of his stomach.

Palkia's eyes began to lose their colour, as the mighty Pokemon slowly drifted into unconsciousness. An unexpected laugh had erupted from the shadow Pokemon, basking in his triumph at defeating his brother.
BRUTAL. No, seriously, I now see why he's the Renegade Pokemon! I am surprised that Palkia was taken out so easily, but whatever, this scene makes up for it!

He had fooled Palkia into thinking that he was coming after Dialga, but in truth he planned to take out Palkia right from the beginning. Knowing his own brother's weakness of not wanting to bring him harm, Giratina knew that Palkia would step in and try to save him if he was ever in danger.
Okay, overboard on explanation, and another turnaround of them hating each other.

Emotions that Dialga had never once felt before began to surface in the centre of his being, and he couldn't control himself.

Hatred, Anger, Revenge.
*crosses fingers* Please Primal Dialga, please please please. Ahem. I like the expression of Dialga's mood here - it conveys very well.

Aware that the angered Pokemon was an easy target, Giratina used the weakened Palkia as a distraction. He flung the injured Pokemon from one of his horn's and sent Palkia flying towards the rushing Pokemon.
I don't know why, but I like the originality of the brutality of this action. So simple yet so powerful.

Dialga just gazed at the incoming Pokemon getting closer and closer, eventually waiting for the impact. Staring at him closely, Dialga could no longer recognize Giratina's previous face, where be always had a frown or a small smile. That was long gone and instead a psychotic lunatic smile was permanently attached to his face. It wasn't just the face also, it was Giratina's entire personality. From the way he was acting, it seemed as if Giratina enjoyed causing them harm.
You've done well with making him appear sadistic and crazy - which is obviously what you intended. I like the 'lunatic smile' especially well, as it is very easy to imagine on a Giratina.

Before Dialga's last moments of existence, he took one last glance over at his defeated brother, and one look at his murderous brother.
I'd say 'during' rather than 'before', and don't repeat 'brother'.

All Dialga wanted to know was why? With no will left to live, Dialga closed his eyes, waiting for their inevitable destruction.
The first sentence is off: you could change it to: 'All Dialga wanted to know was: 'Why?'. or 'All Dialga wanted to know was why his brother was...etc'.

As impactuous as this may be, a verb does not sit well here: try 'Blinding light' as 'shine' sounds a tad weak.

Dialga, who also had his eyes closed slightly opened them to figure out what exactly had happened. Waking up from the sudden disruption, Palkia winced his eyes open, curious to know what exactly was going on.
Comma after 'slightly' and 'winced his eyes open' sounds wrong - use another verb for that (or rework it to say how he suffered as he opened his eyes).

The light slowly dispersed, getting thinner and thinner in the process. As the three deity's fully opened their pupils to get some answers, they were utterly frozen in place at what had descended from the light.
Getting thinner and thinner is just reiterating dispersing, so no need to repeat. *Deities. And also, perhaps to reinforce tension, why not say 'at the being which had descended from the light'?

It was the one entity that they didn't want to encounter ever again, the one being that they feared above anyone else, the one soul that had the power to eradicate them from existence. He was their dad, the creator of all Pokemon, and the supreme ruler of this universe.
'Dad' seems informal here: why not 'father'?

His beautiful skin tone that was coloured white with gray vertical stripes, illuminated the darkness that covered the dimension. The four jewels that were attached to his golden cross like wheel, located under his abdomen, sparkled wonderfully as the divine Pokemon descended.
I like the powerful description, but you may have to pluralise 'wheel' or put 'a' before it.

I love the build up to this, and this is a good peak to the drama.

Seeing no reason to torture the shadow Pokemon any longer, Arceus's eyes sparkled. In an instant, Giratina's paralysed body stopped in mid air and launched itself back towards his previous position. As he made his way there, Giratina's could feel a strange sensation coming from his insides. A metamorphosis was taking place on the inside of his body. Giratina's tail and body began to rapidly tear themselves apart from the inside and his head shape began to change as well. What exactly was going?
As I'm writing this as I read, I'm going to say this: I'm guessing this is the punishment spoken about in the Pokedex, and all this before was the brutality?

One word. It only took one little word to completely shatter and destroy Giratina's attempt at redemption. It wasn't just what he had said, it was how he said it that hurt the most.

His voice was cold, distant, and reeked of disappointment. Real or not, Giratina was beyond hurt.

Palkia and Dialga then stared one last time at Giratina, and to their amazement, a single tear had dripped from the corner of Giratina's eyes. If they hadn't known any better, Giratina had actually felt regret for what he had done. Deciding to put an end to to the battle, Arceus ascended Giratina's paralysed body into the air and continued to do so until he reached a bright light into the sky.
This idea of this lunatic feeling emotionally damaged at this seems inconsistent and jarring. I wouldn't have seen him caring in the slightest - only anger.
You've haven't seen the last of me!
Cliched. So very, very cliched.

That was all the shadow Pokemon had communicated to his siblings until the crack closed, completely sealing Giratina's presence in another dimension and putting an end between the battle of the gods.
Nailed it! I love this: it seems an original take on a telling of Giratina's story to go right to the cause of its Pokedex entries. Very well thought!

It was desolate place that was intended to act like some sort of prison for this rebel Pokemon. The realization of the fact that no matter what, he was trapped in this filthy and remote universe without any possibility of returning home, entered Giratina's membrane. Another emotion that Giratina had not known became apparent to him and overtook his egotistical persona.
Entering Giratina's membrane sounds... weird. Very strange. Please change this.

This sadness however was only a front. Giratina's sorrow completely took a one hundred and eighty degree turn as it stopped screaming. An eerie smile began to spread across Giratina's face as he raised his head.
When you say 'front', that infers deliberate acting, which isn't what you later allude to.

A mild chuckle erupted from his mouth, which was replaced with full blown laughter. He had gone absolutely insane, not caring about this dimension, about Palkia or even Dialga. He only cared about one thing, or to be more precise one certain Pokemon
Why is Dialga so much more important than Palkia (that's what you infer here). I'd say 'about this dimension, his brothers, or even (insert something more important here)' or rearrange it to 'this dimension, (x) or even his brothers'.

Giratina stared intently at a crack in the sky, symbolizing his eternal banishment. With one last inhale, he roared with all of his might at that crack, communicating only towards itself.
Use a different way to describe the crack the second time you mention it for less repetition.

Clichedness again with too many exclamation marks than necessary. Stick with three.

Absolutely anything.
Nice, powerful ending here really makes me want to read on, as any ending should.

Gotta say, behind a few layers of melodrama, cliches and repetition, you've got the framework for a really nice, powerful story here. We've got asserted brutality, power and plot set up. Also, the first part, about the boy, alludes to a strange mystery which I'm intrigued by. Good job, and continue the good work (though I'd be more conservative with description and be wary of complicated sentences or repeating! Try a beta reader or just rereading after a day or two!)


LoL Lunatic
This is my review for the review game. I've only read through the first chapter and, overall, I like the story, but allow me to follow the template and examine it aspect by aspect.

- Opening - Well, that very first prologue was just a tad short and vague, which I'm sure you meant to do, but it was just enough for me to wonder "Who is this guy?" I can tell you've rewritten it a few times, so I'm not gonna focus on it grammatically, but the lack of information to me is both a blessing and a burden. It means "Oh! I have to keep reading!" and "Oh... I have to keep reading..." I couldn't make out a single thing about the plot, save for "There's a guy running from some other guys and he jumps in a lake to escape." While it really sets a dark mood for the story, the first chapter seemed too bright and cheerful that I completely forgot about it.

- Ending - Like I mentioned in the opening, I do want to keep reading, as I am genuinely curious who Ryu is, but the fact that he listened to Johanna belies his defiant nature. It left off at a somewhat pivotal moment, that is to say it leaves you hungering for the next chapter but it wasn't all that dramatic.

- Scene - I mentioned earlier that the dark settings of the two prologues contradicts the cheerfulness of the next, and that's what I'll say again here. I can picture the first prologue as, say, a prisoner escaping from a jail, and the second as an epic, three-person duel, but the real first chapter is just bland compared to those. He wakes up, he gets taken care of, he eats a lot, and he almost makes it to the professor. Twinleaf town seems a mite overused in terms of settings (heck, even one of my older stories started there!) and it almost always seems like the even more overused plot of "Pokémon adventure" happens whenever the story starts there.

- Dialogue - It feels like the conversations between Ryu and Johanna made up the majority the first chapter, and, although it is crucial to lay all the groundwork for a story, it became boring after a while to the point where I was skipping lines. And what was the point of the phone call with the professor? Other than to add detail or maybe to foreshadow a possible encounter with Dawn, I don't see one.

- Characters - Yeah, I won't lie... The whole "Character wakes up with no memory" thing is way too cliché for my liking. Its always zero memories whatsoever save for the name (how convenient!). I think it would've created a lot more depth to Ryu if he'd had somewhat of an idea of where he came from, or where he needs to go. As for Johanna... I really don't like using characters from the games themselves (I much prefer making them up) but you played her role as a loving, caring individual well.

- Relationships – It does seem like Ryu is forcing himself to maintain a relationship with Johanna. Maybe it’s getting a little too personal? I kinda wish there’d been more substance in that first chapter.

- Writing – Your writing style is great. It’s very descriptive, which really helped in the battle between the legendaries, but it was a burden in the first chapter. I would’ve made the prologue more descriptive to match the rest of the story, but that also goes back to how I thought it was vague.

- Spelling/Grammar – Just something I noticed… I’m not sure if this is the correct way to do it, but I always include a comma after a quotation by a person, still inside the quotation mark. I saw how you did it with an exclamation mark or a question mark, but when it was purely a statement there was absolutely nothing. That’s when I put commas there. Other than that I didn’t notice anything that particularly stuck out, other than the occasional screw-up but I won’t get specific.

- Enjoyment – I do want to read on; I enjoyed it that much. However, I still think the first chapter was too bland, but, eh, it’s just the first one after all. Also, the ending to the battle between the legends seemed too predictable, both because of the chapter title and the whole lore of Pokemon.

- Plot – So far, a tad cliché (going back to the “I have no memories” deal) and nothing extremely exciting happened in the first chapter so it may be too quick to judge. Either way, I’m intrigued as to what exciting twist will befall Ryu.

- Pace – I’d say that it is going much too slow, even for the first couple of chapters. Also, I’m noticing that it tends to fluctuate. For instance, the very first prologue starts out quick and dramatic. The next prologue goes fast and intense, but the first chapter just proceeds very slowly. I’m not necessarily fond of that.

- Techniques – The level of description you’ve added to the battle with the legends really helped augment the feel of that entire chapter. I could imagine what each of the attacks looked like in my head, which for me is no easy task. This description effect backfired however with the dialogue dump that was the first chapter.

- Other – I really don’t think anything else needs to be said. I’ll keep reading, and I hope you keep writing!
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