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Forgotten Nightmares

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Pink Harzard, Jan 2, 2015.

  1. Pink Harzard

    Pink Harzard So majestic

    This story has been in my head for some time and is actually based on a question that popped in my head after playing Explorers of the Sky. I have put in features of both Explorers and Gates to Infinity and gave it my own spin. You can expect things that aren’t in the games, so I hope it doesn’t bother you.
    I'm not as good as the other writers at the forum here. I'm not an expert in writing and English isn't even my native language. But I like to make stories and I hope that you, the reader will enjoy it.

    Hey, a wild PM list appeared:

    And a chapter index? What madness is this?
    Arc one: Birth and Childhood
    Prologue - This post. Just scroll down
    Chapter 1: Awakening

    Disclaimer: All Pokémon related things are not mine. This story is just written for fun.

    Spoiler warnings: This fic contains spoilers for the following games: Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of the Sky, Pokémon Gates to Infinity.

    Rating: I’m not very familiar with the American rating system. But as far as the story goes I think it would be PG 13. There will be some cussing in it, especially from a certain pink Fairy type. Some parts can be dark and/or angsty. There are also death mentions in it.
    If there are changes in the rating, I will put them at the beginning of the chapter.

    Well, let’s begin:

    Forgotten Nightmares
    Arc One: Birth and Childhood


    Being lost without a memory is something I can relate to. Whoever you will meet first will be the one who will reshape you. I pray to all, that this meeting will be with the kind-hearted.
    Eevee Grace, Memoirs of team Meteor


    Horrible pain.

    Like being split in half and reassembled again.

    A throbbing headache.

    Even opening an eye hurts.

    At least I’m alive.

    But, who am I?

    Another flash of pain.

    I’m going to die here.

    Darkness embraces the mind.


    ‘’Guys, someone collapsed here,’’ sound a young male voice.

    ‘’Yvetal’s Claws!’’ curses a female one. ‘’That wasn’t mentioned in the mission.’’

    ‘’Chill Coco, we should help that guy,’’ reacts a relaxed male.

    Voices? Who, are they?
    Something is getting closer. A tentacle?
    ‘‘It feels cold, we need to get it to a healer,’’ says the first male.

    ‘‘I’m on it,’’ goes the female again.
    A warm feeling reaches the body. Somehow the pain seems to lessen.

    ‘‘We need to get home quick. He is still in danger.’’

    ‘‘He is way to big Tobias, even together we can’t hold him.’’

    ‘‘Dude, better warn the elders.’’


    A soft wind blows through the forest. A leaf floats with the wind and lands near a small house made of stones. A white creature with green legs, a white skirt and red rounded horns sits on a rock, playing a soothing tune on a flute. Her eyes closed, she enjoys the music she makes. Suddenly she opens her bright red eyes, feeling somehow distracted.
    ‘‘That is strange,’’ she whispers with her melodic voice.
    Quickly she enters the house.
    Adjusting her eyes to the dark, she addresses a shadow in one of the corners.
    ‘‘Father, I just received an emergency call.’’

    The incoming light reflects on a metal sword.
    ‘‘Team Mystic in need for help?’’ he speaks with a metallic sound. ‘‘Where are they?’’
    One of his black and purple sashes holds a big shield a bit tighter.

    ‘‘Threeshroud Forest.’’

    ‘‘I better get on going then.’’

    ‘‘I will join you.’’
    The light from the open door gets blocked by a six-winged dragon.
    ‘‘It has been sometime that I’ve been on a mission,’’ sound her gentle voice.

    The sword lowers himself a bit and raises again, like he had nodded.
    ‘‘Team Regal will serve once again.’’

    ‘‘Let’s go then, Damocles.’’ The dragon gestures outside with one of her puppet-like hands.

    ‘‘Sofia,’’ says Damocles. ‘‘Please warn Dior and Walter. Something could have happened to the youngsters.’’

    ‘‘Yes father,’’ nods the Kirlia before disappearing with a small poof.


    ‘‘What kind of guy is this?’’ wonders the pink feathered creature.

    ‘‘I don’t know either. I’ve never been out of the village except for missions,’’ shrugs Tobias. But having no shoulders means he can just shudder a bit.

    ‘‘You need to get out of that comfort zone. Man up a bit,’’ reacts Coco. She crosses the tips of her tiny wings in front of her body. ‘‘You are way too careful with things.’’ She looks at the black body. ‘‘What a way to interrupt our mission,’’ she sighs.

    ‘‘So you say that we should leave this unconscious Pokémon behind and fetch that ribbon?’’

    ‘‘Dude, chill. She is just teasing you,’’ says a slimy, lilac creature. His horns slowly move around, as if they scan the area. A smile graces his face.

    Tobias sighs. He has a reason to be that cautious. Sometimes he wishes he could just talk about it. But the current situation brings him out of his musing.
    ‘‘Steve, you are dripping on him!’’

    ‘‘Whoops, sorry man.’’ Steve quickly moves a bit away from the black body.

    ‘‘I just hope that they are here soon.’’

    ‘‘Seems like I need to soothe the worrywart again,’’ sighs Coco. She spread her tiny wings and start to focus herself. Her natural scent becomes more fragrant, almost flowery.
    The scent wafts through the forest, calming her teammates.

    ‘‘What a lovely way to indicate your location, young ones.’’

    ‘‘Hydria! Great to see you!’’ says Tobias. ‘‘We’ve found somebody during our mission.’’

    ‘‘I’m glad you are alright. I was afraid you were attacked by rogues,’’ answers Damocles.

    ‘‘Well, let’s get back home, shall we?’’ asks Hydria.
    The five Pokémon huddle together near the one they found. Hydria grabs a rusty badge from her bag. A bright light shines from the badge and develops the group. After the light has disappeared, the group is gone too.


    Auteur notes: I hope you enjoyed this first and maybe short prologue. If it isn’t clear what all the Pokémon species are, they will be revealed in the next chapter.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2015
  2. Pink Harzard

    Pink Harzard So majestic

    And here is the first chapter. Please enjoy ^^

    Spoilers: contains mentions of game stuff from Explorers of the Sky and Gates to infinity. They are minor tough.
    Rating: I think this chapter is PG.

    Chapter 1: Awakening

    Sleep is a strange thing. While the body gets to rest, the mind is supposed to do so too. Therefore the defences of the mind are lowered too. Other Pokémon can make easier contact with the mind in that situation. Maybe that is why we are dreaming.
    Azumaril Billy, Meeting the Dream Spirits

    The weather is warm and sunny, ideal conditions to finish a job. Or at least, that was what Tobias planned for today. But things have gone differently instead. After being Teleported back in the village, he, Coco, Steve and Hydria went directly to one of the bigger houses. Hydria was slightly panting from the weight she carries: a dark Pokémon whose identity is shrouded in mystery. But there was no time to think. Time was precious now, even with the support given by Coco’s Wish, there was still a chance that the stranger wouldn’t survive.
    Dior’s fluttery voice and sweet smell brings Tobias out of his thoughts.

    ‘‘O dear, this looks not good. Please put the poor one on the bed.’’

    Carefully Hydria puts her heavy load on a straw bed.
    Dior starts with the examination. While the pink Pokémon looks for clues, she asks several questions: ‘‘You said you found him in Threeshroud Forest, right?’’

    ‘‘Ehm yes.’’ Tobias is still a bit in shock from the day. ‘‘It was on the fifth floor, I believe.’’

    ‘‘Yeah, but there was no blood, also no signs of battle in the surroundings,’’ points Coco out.

    ‘‘Hm, strange,’’ mutters Dior while scratching one of her horns. ‘‘Can someone provide me with water?’’

    ‘‘Sure thing.’’ Steve then starts to gather moist from the surroundings. With that, he forms a small wave that he directs to a bucket nearby. Sadly a big part of the muddy water splashes over Hydria.

    ‘‘Am I that in need for a shower?’’ she giggles.

    ‘‘Thanks for the effort dear, but I meant clean water. Can someone get some from the well?’’

    ‘‘I will go. You need the space Dior.’’ Still dripping a bit, the Hydreigon leaves the one-roomed building, holding the wooden bucket between the teeth of her hand.

    ‘‘Can we do anything Mom?’’

    ‘‘I’m afraid not Coco,’’ sighs Dior. ‘‘Well, maybe you can get some berries and seeds from Salvador.’’

    ‘‘Which ones?’’

    ‘‘Some Sitrus Berries and a Reviver Seed. And ask him if the Revival Herbs are ready yet. One of them would be fine, I think.’’

    ‘‘Okay,’’ sighs Coco.

    ‘‘Tobias, you come with me, you know how to deal with him better.’’

    Looking a bit unhappy, Tobias follows her outside.

    ‘‘Can I do something?’’ asks Steve.

    ‘‘You can help them convincing Salvador to give the berries. You know how stubborn he can be.’’

    ‘‘Well, okay,’’ says Steve a bit disappointed. He leaves Dior alone with the stranger and a trail of slime.

    The Aromatisse looks compassionately to her patient.

    ‘‘Poor Pokémon. What happened to you?’’

    She gets no answer.

    The sound of a bucket being put on the ground breaks the silence.
    ‘‘Thank you Hydria. Aren’t the children back yet?’’

    ‘‘I guess Salvador is giving them a hard time with his botanical lectures, again. Isn’t Nazca here yet?’’

    ‘‘I’m here,’’ sounds an ancient voice. A strange bird with two eyes on his main body and one eye on a stalk flies towards Dior and Hydria. His forked wings beat slowly.

    ‘‘Can you help me wash this hurt Pokémon, dear?’’ Dior asks him.

    ‘‘Of course, sweet veil.’’

    Both Dior’s and Nazca’s eyes turn into a light blue hue. The water in the bucket slowly moves out of it, as if it is being bended. It moves lightly over the body of their patient. After cleaning, they let the now dirty water return in the bucket.

    ‘‘My goodness. What has made this water so foul looking?’’ wonders Hydria.

    Dior takes a moment before she answers. Like she almost can’t believe it herself.

    ‘‘Black volcanic ash.’’

    ‘‘Volcanic ash? But how? The most nearby volcano is more than a week travel away. Unless he used the Cards.’’

    ‘‘Is there any proof he is a Card user?’’ asks Nazca.

    ‘‘No, not at all. He doesn’t even seem to be an explorer. I found no belongings at all,’’ shrugs Dior.

    ‘‘Could he been robbed?’’ wonders Hydria.

    ‘‘A robber wouldn't take his belongings and use Cards to send him to a random place.’’

    ‘‘Strange things can happen in this world,’’ says Nazca mysteriously.

    ‘‘But still,’’ mutters Hydria, looking carefully to the black Pokémon on the straw bed.

    Now he has been cleaned, long strands of whispy white hair, covering one of his eyes, has been revealed. Underneath his face is some kind of a red collar.

    ‘‘We’re back, miss Dior,’’ says Tobias while entering the house, holding some berries and a seed.

    ‘‘Bummer we don’t have a Revival Herb though,’’ adds Steve.

    ‘‘Sheesh, convincing Salvador was a pain in the feather. Thanks to him we can’t explore tomorrow. No, we HAVE to help him in the garden,’’ rants Coco. ‘‘He will annoy us with his stupid stories for hours. I already saw the smug look on his face. That son of a…’’

    ‘‘Coco, that is quite enough!’’ interrupts Nazca. ‘‘I don’t want to hear you speak about your fellow villagers like that.’’

    ‘‘Okay dad,’’ grumbles the Spritzee, avoiding the eyes of her father.

    ‘‘I’m not so okay with that young lady. Salvador does a very important thing for our village and he earns more respect for it.’’

    ‘‘That doesn’t mean he can act like a jerk,’’ retorts Coco quietly.

    ‘‘Please dear, no arguments where the patient is. It's not good for the healing process’’

    ‘‘I’m sorry sweet veil,’’ apologises the Sigilyph. He still made one final stern glance toward Coco, before looking to the patient again.
    Coco tries to ignore it. She knows however that she could expect a word from her father later that day.

    ‘‘How is the dude doing?’’

    ‘‘Not much better, can you give me the Reviver Seed, Steve?’’

    ‘‘Sure thing.’’

    The Sliggoo hands over a dull yellow seed which is about two centimetres long.
    Dior, holds the seeds near the face of her patient. With a small crack she breaks the seed. Tiny particles of dust spreading around.
    The body of the dark Pokémon stirs slowly. One eye, clear blue like the reflection of the moon in a clean pond, inspects the area.
    A deep mysterious voice comes from the Pokémon.
    ‘‘Where… am I?’’ it asks.

    ‘‘Mystic Village, dear,’’ responds Dior with a warm smile on her face. ‘‘You were found by Team Mystic in Treeshroud Forest. But I need to ask you some questions. Do you think you can handle that?’’


    ‘‘Good,’’ nods Dior. Her face is still spreading kindness but a more serious gaze comes in her eyes.

    ‘‘I suppose we leave them alone now, youngsters,’’ whispers Hydria to Team Mystic.

    The three Pokémon nod in silence and together with Hydria, they leave Dior with her patient.
    Nazca observes from a few meters away from his wife’s investigation.


    ‘‘Where is Damocles? I haven’t seen him since our arrival here,’’ wonders Tobias.

    ‘‘He went to your father to explain the situation. There will be a meeting soon,’’ answers Hydria.

    Tobias nods. His father is the mayor of the little Mystic Town. Whenever there is something going on in the village, ‘mon go to Walter for help and advice. Entering a house made of rocks, they see Damocles, Sofia and Walter at the table in the centre.

    ‘‘Hi dad.’’

    A squid-like creature turns his face, covered with tentacles towards Tobias. ‘‘Good to see you son.’’ He then looks to the other Pokémon. ‘‘I see we are almost with the whole village here, take a seat. Does anybody want something to eat or drink?’’

    It wasn’t until the mention of food that the Pokémon realised they haven’t ate since the morning.

    ‘‘Some grub will be great,’’ responds Coco.

    Walter just nods and rises from his chair to get some apples. ‘‘Would you like another one, Damocles, Sofia?’’

    ‘‘I appreciate your kindness, but I’m full,’’ answers Sofia.

    ‘‘That is the same for me,’’ adds Damocles.

    ‘‘Come on,’’ groans Coco. ‘‘I want to see how you can eat without having a mouth.’’

    ‘‘That’s the secret of the sword, young one.’’ If it was possible, Damocles would have grinned.

    ‘‘Here you are.’’ Walter hands over some apples. ‘‘Eat them while they are still fresh.’’

    Several thanks are addressed to the Malamar, levitates near the table. ‘‘If you feel ready for it, I would like to hear your side of the story.’’

    ‘‘Sure thing,’’ responds Steve.


    Dior is looking at her notes, trying to understand what is going on. It seems like this case isn’t a normal one. ‘‘Have you found anything dear?’’ she asks Nazca.

    ‘‘I’m afraid not. Without Miracle Eye I’m unable to perceive him.’’

    ‘‘So we know he must be a Dark type.’’ She looks worried to the now sleeping Pokémon in the straw bed. After she gave him a meal of mashed healing berries, she advised him to rest. ‘‘I can handle it alone now.’’

    Nazca nods. ‘‘I will tell the others what we have found.’’

    ‘‘See you soon dear.’’

    The two quickly give a good-bye hug. After that, Nazca leaves to report.


    ‘‘So no-one have seen that ‘mon before? What if he is after the treasure?’’ asks a bird-like creature with red wings, who is leaning against the wall.

    ‘‘There is no proof of ill intentions, Salvador,’’ responds Hydria.

    ‘‘You never know what those weird ones are up to. My nose is tingling, I don’t trust it at all.’’

    ‘‘Geez, you’ve just caught a cold.’’ Coco can’t help but to roll her big eyes.

    ‘‘He has a good point though. We must be vigilant,’’ says the Aegislash.

    Walter nods. ‘‘True Damocles. I want to ask you all to be friendly with our newcomer, but be on your guard.’’

    ‘‘I’m here with the results,’’ interrupts Nazca.

    ‘‘What have you found?’’

    ‘‘Dior and I can tell that our client haves no memory about how he came here, nor about his own identity. I can however, confirm a few things we do know.’’

    The other Pokémon look right at Nazca, who give himself a moment to breath. ‘‘The client is genderless but prefers to be treated as a male.’’

    ‘‘Great,’’ mumbles Coco. ‘‘Like this village isn’t short on girls already.’’

    ‘‘And we know that he is one of the Dark type,’’ continues Nazca.

    ‘‘Another Dark type? You better use that wonder eye thingy to investigate that guy as soon as possible.’’

    ‘‘It could provoke him. He has enough stress for being in a unfamiliar place.’’

    ‘‘Provoking,’’ scoffs the Hawlucha. ‘‘You can always stand behind your wife.’’

    ‘‘Salvador.’’ One glance from Walter was enough to silence the Hawlucha. ‘‘Well then. I think we can only wait until our guest feels better. Then we can question him and offer our help. Any questions or suggestions before we end this meeting?’’

    ‘‘Is it possible that he is actually a human that came here? It has already happened three times before,’’ thinks Hydria out loud.

    ‘‘I was pondering about that too, but every time that happened, the person also could tell the name and the fact he or she was a human. Our client however, didn’t recall either of them,’’ explains Nazca.

    ‘‘So we don’t have an epic hero here?’’

    ‘‘Hero’s like that appear in harsh times. It is true there is crime, but things are relatively quiet now,’’ ponders Hydria.

    ‘‘Not the Hero of Time and Darkness. She came in this world before things got wacky,’’ suggests Coco.

    ‘‘Like I said, she knew she was a human and she knew her name,’’ repeats the Sigilyph

    ‘‘Why don’t we give that dude a name? If he doesn’t remember anything. And we can’t call him ‘that guy’ or ‘Nameless’ all the time.’’

    ‘‘I think you should consult that together with him. But not today, he needs his rest. Any questions?’’

    The other Pokémon shake their heads. New questions will pop up in the incoming days, but now they have at least a bit of a beginning.
    ‘‘Then I would like to say that the meeting for today is closed.’’


    Night has fallen at Mystic village. Countless stars are shining. The almost full moon aims her reflected beams at the undergrowth. Just for a moment, the moonbeam captures a gremlin-like creature. A strange giggling is heard while it approaches one of the houses.
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2015
  3. TheCharredDragon

    TheCharredDragon Blue Frog Ninja Gal

    Upon the quote at the beginning, it catches some interest, and I'm pretty sure it's the Rescue Team games leader. But now I'm starting to think it's Explorers of Sky instead. I like that you don't outright describe the characters in exposition, but instead in little bits and pieces throughout the story. Same with the names. But it can be confusing sometimes for what Pokémon they are since I get details mixed up sometimes. But then I read the author's note and realize that was done on purpose. So good job either way. XD The prologue was shorter than I expected, but that's all right since you're getting used to writting.

    I'd like to point out that for English being your second language, it's good. But there is something you need to know to be taken seriously.

    When people are talking, if a new speaker is talking, then you space it, double space in here. Like this:

    "Hi Storm!" Hurricane chimed.

    Storm beamed upon the greeting and waved. "Hi Hurricane!"


    The "haves" should be has.

    So far, so good. I'll try reading the first chapter soon and dropping a review. Oh, and if you put up a PM list, add me. XD
  4. Pink Harzard

    Pink Harzard So majestic

    Hi there. I'm so happy to see a response ^^

    Well, that is the reason I made the quote. Later in the story it gets clear who this person is.

    Well, it is from the POV of the character who lies there in the woods. So I tried to make it a bit hazy.

    I have the same thing sometimes too, that's why the species name will be mentioned later on.

    If I ever get so crazy to rewrite the prologue, I will do something about that.

    How could I forget about the spacing? >.< Thanks for telling and I've fixed that now.

    Fixed and thanks ^^

    You are added in the list ^^ Thank you so much for this. It gives me great motivation.
  5. Sarabande

    Sarabande Member

    Instead of 'like his made a nod', it would be written 'like he had nodded' or 'as though he nodded'.

    I may be wrong here, but I'm pretty sure this would be written 'One of his black and purple sashes holds a big shield a bit tighter' or 'One of his black and purple sashes held a big a shield a bit tighter.'

    Otherwise there isn't more I can think to point out. I think it's a good start to the fic 8) could you tag me in any oncoming chapters?

    "Ideal to finish a job." is a fragment sentence, it's incomplete. It would best be connected to the first sentence, such as "The weather is warm and sunny, ideal conditions to finish a job" or something of the sort.

    The use of 'this' in the sentence sounds a bit weird to me, and while I could be wrong I don't think it's the proper way to be used in the sentence; I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be "from the day" instead of "from this day".

    Two things to address here: the word 'takes' is 'A robber won't takes his belongings' isn't the correct usage, it should be "A robber won't take his belonging". Also (as before, I could be mistaken) in the same segment, 'A robber won't take his belongings', the usage of the word 'won't' addressed an event yet to take place, as though the stranger was still out there and a robber would possibly take his belongings. However, this idea is in the past, so the word 'won't' should be replaced with 'wouldn't', therefore addressing a previous matter.

    As for the chapter itself, I think it sounds good so far, and the grammar is very good with English not being your native language. I hope you'll continue 8)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2015
  6. Pink Harzard

    Pink Harzard So majestic

    Hey hello there. A new post. ^^
    That was a stupid typo at my side. Thanks for pointing out.

    Fixed it.

    Thanks a lot and I will add you to the list^^

    I should get rid of that habit. Thanks for pointing out.

    What is it with me and those typo's?

    Man, that was a sentence of fail. ><

    Thanks a lot for pointing out the typo's and reading of course. Don't worry, chapter two is in progress and I try to post a chapter at least once per month to keep momentum.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2015
  7. Omegagoldfish

    Omegagoldfish My will be done

    I guess it is time for another review!

    The characters are difficult to keep track of, and don't seem to have much of an identity yet, although you only really had 1 chapter, so it can be forgiven, on your amnesiac mystery protagonist, you are doing a pretty good job at keeping his species secret for now.

    On describing the surroundings, I have a hard time 'seeing' what Mystic Village looks like (not to mention the name isn't all that great)

    I should say that it is a little early for me to be able to review something as well as I normally can.

    If you can add me to the PM list, that would be great.
  8. TheCharredDragon

    TheCharredDragon Blue Frog Ninja Gal

    Finally! I read the whole of chapter one! Anyways, I'll have to say, I like how the story is going so far. It certainly has promise. I seriously love the quotes in the beginning, how do you think them up? They're awesome! :D Just like my friend Kinghtfall. Anyways, I'm guessing Hydria is a Hydreigon? As that's the only Dragon type that I can think of that has multiple wings. But I realize how that can be bad and confusing 'cause of how Dark types are treated. X/ But anyways! I'm still wondering what Pokémon is he as the only Dark types with white fur are Absol and Pangoro (and its pre-evo, but it's not a Dark type. X/) I seriously can't wait for the next chapter. Oh, and it seems I guessed most of their species right! XD Also, although I'm familiar with a nameless protagonist, the way it's presented is not something I'm used to. :3 But now onto the more nitpicky part... The errors...

    A comma would be ideal inbetween sunny and ideal, in my opinion.

    Another comma before he would be nice. Try reading it aloud to get a little better.

    I believe the words starting and after Dior should be spaced more. Or combined with the previous paragraph. Also, you forgot to space wouldn't survive.

    The bolded sentence should either be, "Steve then starts to gather moisture from the surroundings." Also, Hydria's line should be spaced. I should note, also, that her line was confusing at first as a misparrangement of the sentence "Am I in need of a shower?" If you want to keep it the same, emphasize the "that" with italics. Or, to avoid confusion, try this sentence, "Do I really need a shower that badly?"
    I think it's technically correct, but it'd flow better if it was, "Tobias, you come with me, you know how to deal with him better."

    Eh, it'd be more natural if you remove that unneccessary "maybe". Okay, it's not unneccessary, but he asked if there's anything he can help in, and a maybe wouldn't really fit in this.

    Um... Technically, it's not wrong, but spacing the it to be like this:

    Would certainly make it look a bit more polished.

    The "gives" should be "is giving".

    Washing should be wash, and "asks" and Dior should be interchanged.

    Comma inbetween "course" and "sweet".

    I think you forgot to put "to" with "in" to spell "into".

    There should be an it after believe and the dialogue needs to be double spaced again.

    Again, technically not wrong, but a native English speaker doesn't talk that way, usually. So the more casual forn would be "Volcanic ash? But how? The nearest volcano is more than week's worth of travel to Treeshroud Forest. Unless he has Cards."

    Proof doesn't have a plural form, so you'll have to change the sentence to "Is there any proof he is/he's a Card user?"

    Typo. Should be adds.

    This is more of something I don't understand rather than a grammatical error. What does she mean? No arguments where patient is?

    The second he should be removed.

    "Away from" would be better than "distance". The latter word's too awkward...

    Combine the two spaced paragraphs into one, remove the period after father and you made a typo. Unless you really meant major and not mayor.

    The dialogue of Tobias should be seperated from the paragraph of his dad since they're not talking about the same character/person.

    Same as above, exvept this time it's the paragraph from the narrator and dialogue of Coco.

    I this case, I believe you should combine them since they're from/is about the same character/subject/person.

    Intents or intentions are the words that fit in this sentence better over intend. They mean the same thing, but the former two are less awkward.

    Same as once before, "has" not "haves." XD

    Same as above. XP

    I don't think suggest is the best way to describe what kind of reaction Hydria is saying. It's more like she's thinking out loud rather than suggesting something. The sentence wasn't even a suggestion.

    So again, another good chapter. I really can't wait to see the next one!
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2015
  9. Pink Harzard

    Pink Harzard So majestic

    It's that time again. Review response time.

    I may or may not have been reading works of Knightfall. And those quotes happen to pop up in my mind. Somewhere in that world, some books are written that contain those quotes.

    Yes she is. I named her after the Greek Mythical monster that grows new heads when one of them is chopped off. I happen to love mythology.

    I should point out that only a part is white. I will work at this when our character sees his reflection in the next chapter.

    Thanks you ^^ Well done with guessing it. I was kinda afraid that it was to hard to guess. The protagonist won't be nameless for long now.

    My body is ready

    Good point. Fixed

    Thanks for finding a place for the lost comma.


    Wow, I derped a lot there. Thanks for pointing out.

    I tried it myself and I agree with you there.

    I happened to use maybe a lot myself. I shouldn't let my characters all talk the same weird way I do.

    Totally true. Thanks for pointing out.

    I should practice in this more.



    Fixed (How many time am I going to say that Dx)


    Why am I so good in making those kind of sentences?

    I thought it had to be plural.

    I blame Spellcheck for this one. And I better use a dictionary in cases like this.

    Dior doesn't want to have negative emotions near Pokémon who need care. She thinks it influences the health in a bad way. I need to work on that one.

    I had to read the sentence four times until I saw the second he. ><

    Dang, again awkward writing.

    This is the biggest derp of the whole chapter. Where did that period even come from? I did mean mayor. Again the proof I should use a dictionary, instead of trusting Spellcheck to much.

    I missed that one when I was spacing the chapter.

    And I missed that one too.


    I should count the times I write things awkward. This could be one of my weak spots in writing.

    I should practice these kind of things in English class, instead of learning how to write letters of complaint.

    Hmm, I guess you are right about that. Fixed

    Thank you very much for the read and review. It helped me a lot.

    I also have some good and bad news for the readers.
    Good news: Thanks to the help of a friend, I got a Beta reader for Forgotten Nightmares. It will take a bit longer until a chapter is done, but it will benefit the quality.
    Bad news: Due to some personal events in my life, my writing got in a bit of a slump. I planned to post chapter two at the beginning of February, but I'm not sure if I reach that goal.

    And that's all folks ^^

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