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Friends in Arms

C

Chao Master

Guest
This is a story about me and my friend serving in the war. My friends name is Stephen Vea. Well, hope you like it.(Me and Stephen are 20 in the story)

November 14, 2013:
Me and Stephen were like brothers. We had each others back. When I was getting mobbed in 2nd grade, he helped me out. Also, when he was getting mobbed in 5th grade, I had his back. Now were 20. We were going to go to the bar today. My finance , Ariel, is going to come too. Stephen's finance is coming too. The restruant is called Mama's. My mother works there.
"Honey, were going to be late."
I saw her walk down the stairs, beautiful than ever. She was wearing a beautiful blue dress. Also, she was wearing the turtle neckalace I gave her on our first date.
"Do you like it."
"Like it? I love it. You look stunning!"
We drove in the Hummer I got and went down to Stephen's house to pick them up. When we picked them up. We drove to a jewelry store so Stephen and I can get our finance a gift. I got her a silver bracelet and Stephen got a set a dolphin ear rings. When we got to Mama's, we surprised them with are gifts.
"Ah, thank you Michael," Ariel said.
"Ah, thank you Stephen," Stephen's finance said.
We both got kisses. We ate dinner and left. We dropped off Stephen and his finance. We went to my house where I found a letter on the front porch.

Dear Michael Hogan Jr.,
We would like you to join the Army Reserve to support your country. Please answer back, yes or no. Any questions, put in your reply and we will answer back as fast as we can.
From General Mark

I showed the letter to Ariel. I looked at her face which looked shocked. After a couple of seconds, she ran upstairs. I ran after hre. She was on the bed, crying.
"I really don't want you to leave. If you forgotton, we have our wedding scheduled on November 17."
"I know. I never forgot. I just remembered my brother John, who died in the war. I was just thinking of getting revenge," I told her.
*DING DONG*
I checked to see who it was. It seemed to be someone in the army. So I just answered it.
"Hello sir. Would you like to join the Army Reserve. Help our country."
"Well, I don't know. I never want to leave my finance alone. But I would like to get revenge for my brother."
"It's okay. We understand. Here, take my card just in case you change your mind." He gave me his card and walked away to an army jeep. I closed the door and went back upstairs. Ariel was sitting down.
"You can go. I'll be fine." She ran to me, hugging me hard and crying on my shoulder. I felt sad to leave her. I packed my bags and went to Stephen's house. I saw that he was saying good-bye to his finance too.
"You got the same letter from General Mark'" I asked him.
"Yeh. Some people came over to yuor house in an army jeep," Stephen asked.
"Yeh. I felt sad leaving Ariel all by herself. She said she will be fine."
We drove over to an army sign-up in Honolulu. I took out the card the army guy gave me and called them up.
"Hey, I'm coming."
MEANWHILE IN NORTH KOREA​
All the officers were planning something with Oahu's topografic map.
"Set up all the planes on the map for the arielal rade.

Well, I hope you liked it. Please post your opinon. If you like it, I will continue writing.
 
K

kukkyou_ooraka

Original Pokeshipper
Let me be your first review. ^_^

I like war fics...this one seem interesting. I just like alot of detail in fics I read..yours doesnt have alot really. Put more detail, and it will turn out great I believe.

P.S. Read my fic, in the Shipping fics section.
 
C

Chao Master

Guest
Thanks. I am just glad that people read my story and will comment. I will post the next day of the story soon.
 
C

Chao Master

Guest
November 15, 2013:
It was training camp on Ford Island. We had school for 9 hours. For the first 4 hours, we had book work. We learned about planes(how to fix, how to operate them, etc.) and guns(how to put together a gun, reload the gun, etc.). For the last 5 hours, it's like P.E, but harder. We weight lifted, used the guns, and did whatever the drill sargent said to do.
Right now, we are puting the guns together.
"Stephen, how you doing on your gun," I asked Stephen. I was really tired. I feel like I was doing hard labor for 10 workers.
"I'm doing fin. What about you?"
" I am doing gr...."
"TIMES UP MAGGOTS!"
After the test, we went back to my tent. I was so tired that I didn't take a shower, brush my teeth, or do anything. I just entered my tent and fell down to sleep.But than I remembered something. I got up to right a letter to Ariel so she wouldn't be scared.
Back at home, Ariel is doing fine. A lot of men came up to her and asked her if she was single. All she said was that she the perfect man who is in the army. Stephen's finance just found out she was pregnant. I was a baby boy. She was angry in a funny kind of way because she really wanted a baby girl. After I wrote the letter, I put it in the mail box and went over to Stephen's tent. I looked inside his tent and I found him writing a letter to his finance.
"Hey, you got food. I ran out. Is it ok if I eat here tonight," I asked.
Yeh, sure. Your just in time. I was making pizza."
We talked and eat for a very long time. When I looked at the time, it was 10:01. I had to run over to my tent to get some sleep. I just couldn't stop thinking about 2 things. My finance, Ariel and why they were recruiting people into the army.

Well I hope you like this next day of the story^^
 
K

kukkyou_ooraka

Original Pokeshipper
Hmmm..pretty good. You have some grammer and spelling mistakes..not many though. Keep up the good work!
 
Y

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
._. god wtf are other critics, I don't mind chewing out the idiot rule breakers BUT THIS IS GETTING OLD.

*cough*

God, wtf is the description, the soul, the grammar and the structure of the fic? I bet this wasn't even done up in a writing program and was writtem in the REPLY BOX. Which is against the rules.

Then there's the fact your 'chapters' are too short.

I suggest reading the rules and advice stickies in the main Fanfic forum to understand WTF you actually need to be doing to write a real chapter, before a mod finds and closes this 'fic' of yours.
 
C

Chao Master

Guest
November 16, 2013:
Today was a great day for me and Stephen. We weren't stationed to North Korea. They said they needed us here. Stephen and I don't even know what is going on. We had a break because the other soldiers went to Korea. So me and Stephen went back to our home to see our finances.
"Honey, your home!" Stephen's finance yelled out.
"I missed you so much!"
I went to my house where I saw Ariel with a little boy.
"Who is this, Ariel," I yelled.
"This is Anthony. He is our adopted son."
"Why did you adopt when we could have one ourselves."
"I felt alone. I want to be with someone when you are gone. When you are gone, I need someone to talk to."
Well, after we had a long talk, I talked with Anthony. I asked what he like's to do or eat, what sports he likes, etc.
I went to Stephen's house where I told him what I found out. I brought Anthony along so Stephen can meet my new son.
I went to Pearl Harbor with Anthony, looking at the sea.
"Son, no matter what, I will never leave you. I love you.......son."
"I love you too.......dad."

Well I hope you like this day. If any comments, please post.
 
P

praetoritevong

Guest
Read Renegade's post again. I'll second that. -.-; You obviously haven't learned a thing yet.
 
C

Chao Master

Guest
praetoritevong said:
Read Renegade's post again. I'll second that. -.-; You obviously haven't learned a thing yet.
Click to expand...
Ha ha ha...No, actually, I learned a lot. I think you haven't learned anything yet.
 
Y

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Chao Master said:
Ha ha ha...No, actually, I learned a lot. I think you haven't learned anything yet.
Click to expand...

Actually no you ****ing haven't, so don't try to act high and mighty & above the law. Rules still apply to your shitty writing, especially when you blatantly ignore the rules .-.

http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=30002 <- RULES. READ THEM. THEY ARE GOOD.

http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19 <- ADVICE. FOR YOUNG AUTHORS. NEWBIES AND THOSE LIKE YOU THAT THINK THEY ARE GOOD WHEN INFACT THEY ARE NOT.

But eh, not my fault if your craptacular thread ends up closed. Your own for not listening to advice.
 
I

Ice_Scyther

FFFFFFFFF-
Yeah, I'm actually siding w/Renegade on this one. It's too short, has no plot, no description, and horrible grammar. As the Italians would say, 'brutto' or 'orribile'.
Read the advice. They might actually help. they helped me.

-I.S. ;123;
 
C

Chao Master

Guest
Answer :
If you like it, I will continue.
If you don't, I will stop and ask a mod to close this thread.
Please answer.


Keep: 0
Close: 1
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I

Ice_Scyther

FFFFFFFFF-
I vote close. It isn't that good, you should wait until you get better.

-I.S. ;123;
 
C

Chao Master

Guest
Come on people. All I'm asking for is that you just answer keep or close.
 
C

Chao Master

Guest
If you haven't read my story, read it, and say either keep or close.
 
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