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From Dritaya to Johto: A Trio's Tale

J

Jounouchi

Guest
CHAPTER 1: Leaving Home

~~15 YEARS AGO~~


"So, what do we call him?"

"Well...there is one name I was thinking of."

*The mother and father were looking at their first child. Around them were their Pokémon, also looking at the boy. The hospital was relatively empty, but since the island wasn't well populated, that was a good enough reason.*

"Remember when we were in Viridian Forest with my brother? When...he died...just before that, I promised him one thing."

"It's okay, it's okay," the mother said as he consoled her husband, who was now crying, "I understand what you want. It's fine with me. We'll call him...Xial."

~~PRESENT DAY~~

"Therefore, Sableye is a much better Pokémon then Gengar."

"Get lost Tony, everyone knows that Gengar is the best. Ask anyone and that's the answer you'll get"

*The Sableye fan, Tony, stood 5"9. He was one of the tallest in the class, and his muscular structure and spiked jet black hair made him a popular choice amongst the girls. He dressed in the latest styles, and his piercing blue eyes could either fill you with hope or fear. Not only did he have the athletic ability that suited his frame (he was the school's best swimmer by far), his intelligence was superior to all but one of his classmates - his best friend, and the boy he was currently arguing with. That person was Xial. Xial was now 5"8, and although not as well built as Tony, he was a faster runner and had even more girls following him. Unlike Tony, Xial wasn't interested in them though, as he had his girlfriend to worry about. Her name was Maria, and as Xial and Tony argued while they walked, she was busy fussing with Xial's sky blue hair.*

"Listen, you've become delusional man! Sableye would kick Gengar's *** in no time. Anyway, we'd better hurry to my Dad's lab, or else the good Pokémon will be gone and you'll get a Weedle Xial!"

*Xial laughed a bit, then nodded as Tony started to jog. Xial set off at a blistering pace, only to be stopped the piercing screech of his girlfriend.*

"XIAL! How many times do I have to tell you, don't run off when I'm wearing these shoes. You know I can't catch up because I fall over, which is something I really don't want to be doing in this skirt. It's the latest fashion, and even a scuff will send my image right down."

"Sorry Maria, I forgot."

*Xial walked back to his girlfriend, brushed her long blonde hair back and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled, locking her brown eyes with Xial's, and kissed him on the lips. The tallest girl in the class (the same height as Xial, even taller when she had her big boots on) she was also the most popular and madly in love with Xial. Their romantic moment was cut short by the groans of Tony. Maria shook her head, hitting her brother on the arm. Their relationship was better then most twins their age, but they still bickered. Xial was happy that Tony approved of his relationship with Maria, but wary not to be too overprotective of Maria. Right now, the three were heading to Tony and Maria's dad's lab. Professor Bracksten was the renowned Head of Pokémon for the Dritaya Islands.

The Dritaya Islands were about an hour's ferry from Hoenn, and about 9 hours to Johto. It was to be there that Xial would be starting his journey to becoming a Pokémon master. He would be accompanied by Tony and Maria, but neither were interested in being trainers. Tony would be bringing his pet Houndoor for company, while Maria was just there because she didn't trust Xial with Tony (Xial didn't mind her coming at all of course). Xial originally wasn't going to be a trainer, hence the reason he was starting off so late. Professor Bracksten was giving Pokémon to the new trainers today, including Xial. He was going to be the oldest receiving a Pokémon and he was determined to get the best on offer. The trio arrived at the lab, comfortably before the usual mass rush of trainers.*


"Hey there, how are you all? You ready for this Xial?"

"Yes sir Professor Bracksten."

"I keep telling you, call me Simon. Anyway, I've got a wide choice for you to pick from. Any particular type you want?"

"Water."

*The answer was quick, fast and simple. Xial had loved the water as a child (it was how he first met Tony), and thought the way they moved was particularly graceful. Plus it was the type Maria liked, so he wanted to impress her. Prof. Bracksten smiled (he always seemed to be anyway) and placed three Pokéballs on the desk in front of him. He tapped all three, releasing the Pokémon onto the desk. The one positioned on the left hand side was a Poliwag. It looked up hopefully at Maria, who smiled back to Poliwag. The centre Pokémon was a Lotad. Maria didn't seem to care anymore, being too engrossed in Poliwag. Tony on the other hand seemed to take his own liking to the Lotad, as Xial waited for the third Pokémon to appear. When it did, out came a Horsea. It looked up at Xial, who finally seemed to be taking an interest. Bracksten, seeing this, spoke to Xial.*

"Horsea might not look very tough right now, but its attacks are surprisingly strong. When it evolves, it will turn into a Seadra. They are perhaps one of the strongest evolutions in the Water type. Then, if you find the right things, they evolve into Kingdra's. Now a Kingdra not only has the power to use the Water to it's advantage, but also it has characteristics of a Dragon."

"I'll take it."

*The very fact that Horsea could get so strong wasn't just the selling point for Xial. His mother's Pokémon when she was a trainer was a Horsea. Ever since she died, he had wanted to live on her legacy. This was the first piece of the puzzle in his eyes...he felt himself start to tear up. He managed to stop himself, taking the Pokéball from Bracksten. Maria and Tony hadn't noticed what was wrong with Xial, and looked at the Pokéball containing Horsea.*

"The next ferry to Johto leaves in an hour. You should arrive at New Bark Town for 2 AM in the morning. I've arranged a room for you at Proffesor Elm's lab. He's the equivalent of me in Johto, but much more experienced I have to say. Then it's upto you what to do, as there are a number of gym's in the surrounding area."

*Xial nodded to Proffessor Bracksten. After a few goodbyes to various people on the island, he met Tony and Maria at the Dritaya Ferry Port. There were various other people at the Port, many of them other trainers leaving for the island. Xial couldn't help notice two people from the corner of his eye. One was a woman, in her mid twenties. She had long red hair, and much like the man standing next to her, was dressed from head to toe in black. Black coat, Black Trousers, Black Sunglasses. Xial turned away, before looking back when he heard one of them speak. The man and woman were looking down at the Pokémon between them. It had it's mouth open, giving Xial the idea it was the Pokémon who spoke. He shook his head, trying to take the thought away. After all, why would a Meowth be talking?*

~~~~~

This might not seem too good right now. It's been about 8 months since I wrote a fic in this style. Therefore, I have a bit of "writing rust". Anyway, if you guys want to comment on this, I accept criticism no matter how harsh it is.
 
S

Shiny Umbreon

Guest
After all, why would a Meowth be talking?

Team Rocket, here we come.

I like it this way, and the reason Xial chose the Horsea was clear.


Shiny Umbreon - ;197;
 
Overall, well done. You've got what looks to be the beginnings of an original and interesting story here. Nice choice of starter pokemon, decent character description and insight into their motives and the rationale behind their choices... great start.

I did, however, find a few little technical points to comment on. For one, there was the *italicised text* for anything other than dialogue. Personally, I don't reckon there's any need for that. And too many italics tend to strain the eyes. Just follow the correct paragraph separation conventions and put "s around the speech and it'll be fine. Next, using numbers in place of words is frowned upon here, so 'The Dritaya Islands were about an hour's ferry from Hoenn, and about 9 hours to Johto', shoud be 'The Dritaya Islands were about an hour's ferry from Hoenn, and about nine hours to Johto', etc. And for punctuation,

"Get lost, Tony, everyone knows that Gengar is the best. Ask anyone and that's the answer you'll get."

Perhaps run this through a Spellchecker before posting? Little errors like that aren't serious but they DO distact the reader from the actual content of your story and make your work look unprofessional.

As for the content itself, you've picked a highly used storyline and beginning. 'New trainer goes to professor, picks starter, starts journey...' has been done so many times before this that you'll need to work hard in the future chapters to separate your fic from the rest. You'll need to bring out what makes your story DIFFERENT and INTERESTING. As I said before, you've got a great start with interesting characters and choice of starter, but to make your fic stand out from the myriad of others, you'll probably need to work quite a bit harder than people who picked an unusual storyline.

My advice? Try to focus on the characters and their interaction with each other, other characters and, of course, their pokemon. From personal preference, I like to see the pokemon developed as characters in their own right with their own agendas and hopes and preferences and personalities. It just fleshes out the fic so much more.

And Team Rocket is gonna make an appearance? Be careful with that. The anime has 'cheesed up' those characters so much that it's VERY difficult to include them believably and in a way that the reader doesn't cringe at. Just try and tone down the 'corn factor' and focus on realistic character development.

You've probably picked up that I'm prattling on about characterisation in a seemingly endless fashion. That's cause, IMO, characters make the fic. You could have your characters do practically nothing, but if they were believable and interesting and easily related to, it wouldn't matter much. It's cause your characters provide a window into the fic. Your readers will see the story through their eyes and respond to it the way the characters respond. But if your characters behave in an unrealistic manner or are too far removed from being normal, your readers won't be able to associate with them and your fic will remain foreign to them. For the best results, I'd try and expand on what you've already started so well and develop your characters to the point wher eyour reader feels like they're reading about people, not just names.

Meh, rant over. Sorry if it bugged you! Good luck and have fun with next chapter!

Piney.
;204;;324;
 
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