Fullmetal Alchemist: Chain of Broken Memories(PG for language)

[Sono Nanatsu Heika]

my first fic so if it sucks tell me


Fullmetal Alchemist™
Chain of Broken Memories

Chapter 1

The desert winds howled as Edward and Alphonse Elric trudged through the seemingly endless desert.
Edward Elric is 15 years old but quite short for his age. He has gold hair with a braid in the back. He has a black military uniform lined with white, a pair of white gloves, black pants, heavy black boots, and a red cloak with a black symbol of a snake on a cross. Underneath his façade, is an artificial right arm and left leg made of a durable prosthetic called automail. Alphonse on the other hand, is 14 and much taller than Edward but only because he doesn’t have a body of his own. His soul was placed into a suit of armor, so he walks around as if his body is still in the armor.
“Why is everywhere we try to go, beyond a desert?” asked Edward, looking around, puzzled. “Al? Hey Al, where are you?”
“Down here brother.” His voice was muffled and seemed to come from underground. “Armor doesn’t do well in sand.” He said as his brother used his artificial right arm to pull him up.
“You know Ed; I’m still scared of going to Dublith. I wonder how our old teacher will react to your artificial limbs and my loss of body.
“Eh, I’m not worried. She’ll kick your as.s but I’ll bring her down in a second.”
“How can you be like that brother? Even if she were to attack us, she was still our mentor.”
“So? She’s probably a crazy old grandma anyways.” Ed sneered, trying to change Al’s mind.
Al whacked Ed in the back of the head, knocking him face first into the sand.
“You shouldn’t speak ill of our teacher, Ed. The only reason she taught us was because we had so much talent at such a young age.”

Their conversation ended and they kept on walking through the merciless desert.
“Hey Al?” Edward and Alphonse stopped. “Is that what I think it is?” Ed started to drool.
“What is it brother?” Alphonse asked as if he was dying to know.
“It’s a… A..!”
“What is it?”
“A city made of chocolate!” He saw what looked like Central made entirely out of chocolate. The military HQ, the library’s first branch, everything.
Alphonse fell over.
“It doesn’t exist brother. It doesn’t… Hey Ed, wait up!” Ed started running towards the “Chocolate City” with Alphonse chasing him close behind.

Ed slowed down, panting like crazy.
“It was a mirage Ed.”
“Ah, damn. I’m so hungry.” Ed started his complaining rampage.
“It’s sad to admit it brother, but you fantasize the strangest things.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. I’m just saying, for someone who acts grown up, sure thinks a lot about kid stuff.”
Edward abruptly stopped.
“What did you say?” asked Ed, turning around with an angered face on.
“Ummmm… You imagine kid stuff?” said Al, starting to panic.
“Ok, on the count of three, I’m gonna chase you until we find Dublith. Ready? Three!”
Ed started chasing Al without holding back.
“I’m sorry Ed! I’m sorry!” Alphonse shouted, begging for his life.
“Come back here! I’ll show you kid stuff!”


plz review

 

[RaZoR LeAf]

Gosh, nobody replied to your fic in the 22 minutes it was online. There must be something wrong with the universe. Or, you are just an ignorant child that has no concept of time, and will double post with spam because you don't appreciate that people have other things to do.

Now from what I've watched of FMA, Ed and Al's teacher knew they practised Human Transmutation before they found out about their father's identity and history. So your timeline is messed up. The entire thing is short, for a chapter it's no where near long enough, and is made up of entirely dialogue with practically no description whatsoever. What do Ed and Al look like? Even if you're the biggest FMA fan in the world, describing a characters appearance should not be ignored. What does the city made of chocolate look like? The speech is short, choppy and gives no real depth to the characters.

 

[Sono Nanatsu Heika]

Chapter 2

After a while, Ed caught up with Al, only to be sat on.
“Are you gonna stop chasing me now?”
“The moment you get up, I’m gonna chase you again.”
So Al picked him up and shoved him in his chest armor. Ed started banging profusely, yelling threats and curse words.
“Dammit Al! Get me the hell out of here or I’ll kick your ***!
“Nope. Apologize and I’ll let you out.”
“No frickin’ way!” It took him a while, but he managed to fit his arms and legs into the proper place. “Now I’ve gained control of everything you do.”
No matter how hard he tried, Alphonse couldn’t move his arms or legs.
“Ed! Come on Ed. I’ll let you out.” Alphonse opened his chest armor and let Ed out. “That wasn’t very nice.”
“So?”
“What if I were to sink into the sand? Then we’d both be stuck with no way out.”
“Uhhh…”
“Or if I were to fall over forward because of a strong wind. I’d be too front heavy to get up.”
“Ok, I got the point!”
“Hey Ed! Look a town, we can rest there for tonight.”
They started running towards the small, rundown town that to them resembled the Youswell coal mines but more populated and more buildings.

As they ran, they passed a sign which read: “Welcome to Foghorn Valley! Population: 407.” Before it, it showed numerous digits scratched out.
“Hey, tell Marx, outsiders are here. One’s a midget with blond hair; the other is in a suit of armor.” One of the townspeople told a uniformed guard. The guard ran for the central building in the middle of the town. He arrived at the highest floor in the building and entered a room where there was a man hidden by shadows was seated.
“Sir! Outsiders have arrived. One is a midget with blond hair the other is in a suit of armor. What shall I do with them?”
The man paused.
“Send them to me.” He said with an incredibly deep and raspy voice.
“Yes sir!” The guard ran out.
“It seems the Fullmetal Alchemist has arrived in our backwater town.” The shadowed man started to chuckle which led to a loud, uproaring laugh.

“You there! Come here!” The same guard that was sent to inform the shadowed man, was calling Ed and Al to him.
“Who, us?” Ed asked.
“Yeah, you! Marx wants to see you. Both the midget and the guy wearing armor.”
“HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A PINT-SIZED PIPSQEAK!” Ed yelled at the guard while repeatedly punching him in the face.
“I didn’t say any of that!” He got up off the ground, with blood all over his face and teeth on the ground. “The town leader wishes to see you.”
“Fine, show us the way.” Said Ed, letting the guard lead the way.
The guard walked them through the town. Ed and Al practically amazed by the town, was looking at everything all at once. As they approached the central building, people around them started whispering.
“Just go to the top floor and it’s the very last door at the end of the hallway.” The guard informed them where Marx was and walked off.
Ed and Al looked up.
“Ho… Ly… Crap! That is one tall building!” Ed looked at the building and picked his jaw up off the ground. “That’s about what? 10, 20 stories?”
“At least.” Al’s jaw would drop if he could.
They got in the elevator and went straight to the top. They went to the last door at the end of the hall and entered.
“Ah, welcome Edward, long time no see.” His deep voice startled both Ed and Al
“Huh? What do you mean, long time no see?”
“I’m an old friend of your mother.”
“Who are you?” asked Ed, squinting to see through the shadow which cloaks Marx.
Marx stood up and walked out of the shadows to reveal a large, muscular man whose face was half covered by steel along with half his chest and entire left arm. He wore ancient samurai pants and blue judo slippers.
“My name is Marx with an X.”
“Hey Ed, didn’t we hear mom talking about a Marx before?” Al kneeled over and whispered into Ed’s ear
“Yeah, I thought that name sounded familiar.”
“What brings you here to our simple town?”
“We’re just crossing through to Dublith.”
“Well then we’ll have to make your visit… Memorable.” He snapped his fingers and the doors around the room swung open and row after row of soldiers quickly marched in. “Men! I would like to introduce to you the infamous Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother.” The soldiers did what looked like the Nazi salute but with two fingers like the peace sign.
“I didn’t realize we were this famous and worthy for the Southern region salute.” Said Al. Ed knew he was blushing, even if though it didn’t show.
“Elric Brothers. I have made arrangements for you to rest in our finest hotel.” Marx told them the name of the hotel and showed them out. As he saw them get in the elevator, Marx’s cheerful smile turned to an evil grin.
“The pieces are falling into place. Soon the competition for the Philosopher’s Stone will be wiped off the face of the earth!” He laughed long and hard while Ed and Al walked down the city street, unknowing what was happening in the large building behind them.

 

[Sono Nanatsu Heika]

Chapter 3

Ed laid in bed, wide awake, thinking of all the fun he and his brother used to have when their mother was still around. He got out of bed and walked over to the hotel balcony. It was warm outside but it had a slight breeze. To Ed, Foghorn Valley at night seemed safe. Guards walking, patrolling the streets with dogs holding lanterns in their mouth. Ed knew this town was beyond safe, but it still puzzled him, how was their population diminishing so quickly. Was it an epidemic affecting a certain kind of person? Or was it murders that nobody has solved. Either way, he may have looked safe on the outside, but on the inside, he was arguing with himself, whether or not he was safe. After an hour of staring at the town and making himself tired, Ed dragged himself to bed, where he slept like a log.

A guard down below, making his nightly patrol, had sat down, exhausted from all those night shifts. He started to drift off to sleep when something caught his attention in the corner of his eye.
“Who’s there?” He immediately stood up and shined the flashlight on to where he saw something. “Who’s there!?” The dog started barking and ran into a dark alley. The man didn’t follow but heard barking, then whimpering, then silence. The guard was terrified. He didn’t know what got the dog, but he had a feeling that he was going to find out next. He tried to run but was paralyzed with fear when he heard massive bird claws hit against the concrete. The shadow he saw was magnified by the moonlight as he saw the creature come out of the darkness with blood dripping from its mouth. It had the head and front legs of a lion, the body and hind legs of an eagle, a tail which was a snake, and it had porcupine quills on its back. The guard gained control of his legs, but as soon as he started to run, the creature jumped, and the last thing the guard saw was the inside of a lions mouth and everything went black.
Throughout the night, rips, tears, and gnashes could be heard all through the city, but the only ones that heard it, were the rats living in the streets.

The next morning, the streets were crowded. Medics, police, civilians, the entire city. The remains of the guard were there, covered by a large, white blanket. Alphonse was the first to awake between the Elric brothers. Not bothering to go onto the balcony, he sat down and started to polish his helmet. He looked to the side and saw Ed sleeping with his stomach showing.
Alphonse sighed.
“Figures.” He muttered to himself about how he was going to catch a cold if he kept sleeping like that. He returned to his polishing.
There was a loud knock on the door of their room that didn’t even make Ed budge from his spot.
“Open up! We have some questions for you!” The guard on the other side kept knocking loudly.
“Just a minute!” said Al, putting his head back on. He walked up to the door and opened it up, just before the guard could knock again. “Yes, can I help you?” Alphonse asked nicely.
“There was a man murdered near here, do you know anything about it?” The guard immediately started his interrogation.
“No, I slept all night. You could ask my brother but I wouldn’t wake him up if I were you.” Said Al, uttering a warning.
“Just wake up the short guy!” Without missing a beat, Ed sat straight up and ran straight towards the guards.
“WHO ARE YOU CALLING MIDGET!?” Ed’s fist got an inch away from the guard’s face when Al grabbed his wrist, holding him back. The guard’s face was terrified and Al whispered to himself.
“His heart’s probably half way up his throat.”
“What was that?” one of the other guards was curious about what Al said.
“Nothing!”
“Shorty, do you know anything about the murder last night?”
“Murder? Who’s been murdered?”
“That’s strict police information.” Ed walked over to his stuff and showed them his state alchemist watch.
“I’m a state alchemist. I believe I have a high enough rank to know some classified information.”
“It was a man named Marcus Heltman. He was the best in his field. We found a few remains of him near this hotel.”
“How many remains?” Asked Ed
“Just a few. About four or five pieces.”
“Ewww.” Al was extremely disgusted.
“Can we see his “chunks”?” asked Ed curious to see what happened to him.
“You’re a little late. We just sent them to the coroner’s office.”
“Oh, ok then. Thanks for the info Officer.”
“No problem.” The guards walked out and continued on their interrogation on other people.
As soon as the guards disappeared, Ed and Al ran towards the balcony to see the crime scene.
“Hey Al, what do you think could have done this? No man could have that good of a job.” Said Ed, admiring the creature’s handiwork.
“I dunno. Let’s go find out.” Al signaled Ed through the door first. They got in the elevator to find out who could have committed such a crime.