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Funniest quotes from TV

zipzap713

@Peteyism
From the "Chuck" Season 2, Season Finale Episode,
"Chuck Me" - John Casey
 

MKFC

Shade of Blue
Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass. Token: I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.
Cartman: Get as sick as you want, just give me a goddamn bass line!
Token: *plays it expertly* Oh, goddammit.

------

Stan: Dude, we don’t have any talent.
Cartman: That didn’t stop any of the other boy bands, damn it!

both from South Park
 
There once was an ugly barnacle who was so ugly, everybody died. The End.
 

revolvingscott

Well-Known Member
Muggers: Give us your phone give us your wallet! Come on! Before we ****** do you!
Mark: Do me? Are they gonna rape me or kill me? If they rape and kill me I hope they kill me first, I sort of win.

Peep Show, it's fantastic for quotes!
 

Hikari Paradise

Forever Alone
"Why was there bacon in the soap?"
 

White Wizard

Hundred acre Woods
pretty much anything from family guy
love that show
 

Mye

Someone has to win..
"How do you even spell 'wet yourself'?" "W-E-T space Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-P-F....the p is silent” Lol, whose line is it anyway ftw...
 

TR4eva

A Friendly Rocket
I am watching Friends now and here's a funny quote from thie episode:

*Phoebe, Ross and Joey moching the way Chandler talks
Chandler: "I do not sound like that!"
*Others laughing at the way he spoke
Chandler: "I do not... I do not..."
*Others still laughing
Chandler: "Oh, shut up!" (in childish way)
 

TR4eva

A Friendly Rocket
I am watching Friends now and here's a funny quote from thie episode:

*Phoebe, Ross and Joey moching the way Chandler talks
Chandler: "I do not sound like that!"
*Others laughing at the way he spoke
Chandler: "I do not... I do not..."
*Others still laughing
Chandler: "Oh, shut up!" (in childish way)

I have been watching A LOT of Friends recently and here are some more quotes from an episode I saw yesterday:

*Joey and Chandler both have new chairs and refuse to leave them, so they just sit on them all day and watch T.V*

*Ross and Rachel are outside talking and then there is a thud, Ross opens the door and picks up a shoe.*
Ross: What's this for?
Chandler: Can you get us a couple of beers?
Other conversation...
Ross: Okay, bye guys we're going now.
Chandler, Joey and Phoebe *Still watching the T.V*: Bye.
Ross: Look at that, they won't even turn their heads...
Rachel: That's it, I'm taking my shirt off
*Joey grabs small mirror and holds it above the chair.*
Joey: She's not doing it...
Other conversation...
*Monica walks in with a Take-Away and places it on the table next to Chandler and Joey.*
Monica: Can you stop sending food to our place?
*Chandler and Joey are happy to get the food and start to eat it.*
Episode ending...
Joey: Isn't that the fire alarm?
*Chandler feels the floor, still watching the T.V in the chair.*
Chandler: It's not even warm, we still have time...
 

Metagross Guy

ᴸ м f ᴬ σ.
The incident in Spongebob where Patrick had to care for his customers and he was just like "I love you"
And from that same episode,the crazy guy who was shouting "choccccalllate!!"

Hehe and this one

Strangler: "Where can we go that is dark and lonely so i can stra...uh protect you?"

Spongebob: "We can go to my house and turn off all the lights hehe

Strangler: o_O
 

MKFC

Shade of Blue
just been watching South Park, and I found a lolzy one:

Other Mom: Can Eric spend the night?
Mrs. Cartman: No, I'm sorry, Eric is grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews last week.
 
The incident in Spongebob where Patrick had to care for his customers and he was just like "I love you"
And from that same episode,the crazy guy who was shouting "choccccalllate!!"

Hehe and this one

Strangler: "Where can we go that is dark and lonely so i can stra...uh protect you?"

Spongebob: "We can go to my house and turn off all the lights hehe

Strangler: o_O

While you're on Spongebob, you might as well include a couple of other gems before they ruined the show by making Patrick absurdly stupid (I mean, he was at the beginning, but... come on!)

Spongebob: Patrick, your genius is showing.
Patrick: *covers crotch* WHERE?

Patrick: Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end.
Spongebob: That didn't help at all!

Oh, and one from Futurama.

Dwight: I heard beer makes you stupid.
Fry: No I'm... doesn't!
 

Antesomn

Picky Trainer
Ryan Stiles: Hey, Col.
Colin Mochrie: Yeah, Ry?
Ryan Stiles: Here's a little riddle for you.
Colin Mochrie: All right.
Ryan Stiles: What kind of bird always says the name of our next band?
Colin Mochrie: Oh, I guess... a... tern? An arctic tern?
Ryan Stiles: And what sound does an arctic tern make?
Colin Mochrie: [in a high pitched voice] Backstreet Boys?
Ryan Stiles: [laughing hysterically] No, Colin! That's wrong!
Colin Mochrie: Why don't you tell us what's right?
Ryan Stiles: I was thinking of an owl, that goes Hoo, Hoo! The Who is the next band on our CD set...
[cracks up again]
Greatest Hits - Songs of Westerns

It's even better when you consider that all of this was done off the top of the actors heads. I'll probably be back with more.

Oh my God, I LOVE that episode. That was probably one of the most funniest lines on Whose line. The Tapioca one was also hilarious X)
 

Antesomn

Picky Trainer
Patrick Star: "Is mayonnaise an instrument?"
-----
Spangler: "Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from PSI. Poor self esteem. That's not I! Every sign is wrong!" (the Simpsons)
-----
Hank Scorpio: Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I!
[throws them out the door]
Hank Scorpio: Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe?
Homer: [chuckles] Yes, once.
------
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Class: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter van Finkle: She does not!
Class: Uter likes Milhouse.
Mr. Dewey Largo: Nobody likes Milhouse!
------
"My leg!" random fish from Spongebob
------
Christopher Walken: "I've got a fever and the only prescription is more cow bell" (SNL)
------
Chris Farley: "Young lady what do you want to do with your life?"
Stacy: "I want to live in a van down by the river."
Matt Foley: "Well, you'll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river when you're..living in a van down by the river! " (SNL)

There are plenty more but that's what I feel like posting X.x
 

mapache

Bear Inside
"Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time" Chris Griffin :p
 
Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) of 30 Rock telling Jack (Alec Baldwin) about kissing Devon(Will Arnett)
"To get through it, I pretended he was a sandwich!"
 
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