Galactic Origins (G)

[frozenthrone101]

Hello and here is my story's prologue
Its a story about how the D/P/Pt character Cyrus came to power from his childhood in Sunyshore to his power house in Veilstone , and yes how the 3 main galactic admins met him , and why he is against spirit , and of course why he wanted a world to himself . Behold the first chapter

Chapter 1 - Brotherly love

I woke up one early morning It was a normal day , as far as I thought ,and my only pokemon ,Murkrow sitting on his perch ,
Murkrow was my first pokemon he was given to me the day i turned 12 , as that is the minimum age you have to be to be a trainer .It was a gift from my mam on the day , she thought it matched my shadowy personality, he doesn't like his Pokeball so i let him sleep on a perch , and he stares in a shadowy way when you enter the room
Getting up from bed I went over to turn
on the TV in my room , , but before
i could turn it on , my Mother called me "Cyrus ,time for breakfast !".Not caring anyway , i head down the stairs to the kitchen .I look
down , to see my brother Nate who was sitting at the table reading one of his astronomy books , and e-mailing someone.
Nate was my only brother , and I despised him .He had all the friends and all the connections, he went to Veilstone not last week for and astronomy convention .He was addicted to astronomy , and he always named something after a planet or constellation
"See your stuck into your books again "

"And what where you doing just there Cyrus , sitting around at the TV
with that stupid Murkrow of yours , you should let him out , he seems to like it
when you do " said Nate , casting a mocking look .
I was furious at him , he never minds his own pokemon , he just makes them do whatever he wants .

" So what if i don't , its better that looking up at the stars waiting
for something with that Bronzor you found on holiday in Eterna " I replied

"So , he enjoys it when I do , he likes looking at them " he said .

" Why do you two always fight , you both seemed to enjoy it when we went
and you both got to see some Pokemon " said my mam , while she
was looking out the window .

"Because ",Nate moaned "Cyrus never lets us battle them , he always
keeps his up in the room " just saying all this to annoy me , he was
never interested in battling , he just uses his Bronzor as a status
symbol , because you cant catch them anywhere near here .

" Well ", my mam said in a suggestive tone " why don't you both give battling a try , you never know you might like it ".

" I'm okay , I don't like battling , as much as i would like to beat Nate at something , I would rather not see Murkrow hurt "

"You never know , you might like it " my mam said in a tone , but i knew she would start to force us any way

"Fine " i said with a sigh " I will see if i can find someone to battle "

' So will I ,though you won't do much good against electric with
Murkrow . He will get chewed up because hes Flying ' Nate said

" Well that are you going to do , you never battle with yours
he wont know a single steel move , he might resist , but he has no
good attacks" I said , now just teasing him

" I don't plan to go up against the gym here , Veilstone is a fighting
gym , so i should do good ".

' Well both of you should be getting ready , your father will be home
in a week from the wind works construction , and he will be proud to
see his two sons into battling ' my mother said in a happy voice.

" Well don't expect us to go all over the place , I'm only doing this because
you want me to , anyway " , I said rising up from the table " I have better things
to be doing than sitting here arguing with you two ", and left for my room

Going to my room i thought to myself why i have never got into battling before
heading into my room , i sat down at the computer , Murkrow beside me and searched
' Tips on Battling' , and one result came up , and i began to read it,
and all it said was 'The best way to learn about battling is by trying it'
Murkrow Flew from his perch over beside me "row"
"I have to go up against a gym because my mam said it would make my dad happy"
"ROW" Murkrow roared in excitement , seeing it was his first battle and he was eager to go
"Relax " i said in a calming voice to him "Be patient , we will battle eventually , Come on we'll
go out for a practice " , him still more excited than he's ever being

Going outside ,it as a nice day , even for Sunyshores standards , I saw Nate heading to the Pokemon Center just ahead , followed by his Bronzor
I had no interest in what he was doing , I never did , he was the one with the friends ,I never got along with the other kids , except for Volkner , but he's a gym leader now Nate could get people to do almost what ever he wanted , he was always more of a leader, more dedicated as well , would keep thing going even when they were dead
"Come on Murkrow , just outside the city there is a place we can practice , But first we need
some supplies " and we headed to a PokeMart . Walking in we saw a few of Nates friends
and they ignored me as usual . I got a potion , a pokeball , and a bag pack in case i found some stuff when i was out
"That will be 49,99, please." The woman responded politely, if a bit too politely. I rummaged through my pockets for money, and finally handed it to the cashier. She accepted with a smile she wore every day, as I picked up the bag., I headed for for the outside of the city
There was a lot of scenery in the area outside the city , you had the beach to one side and then a thick forest to the other , not to mention the famous lake not too far away .
On my way to the outskirts of the city , I looked over onto the beach , seeing a few trainers and some water pokemon , and i recognize one of the children ,Luke , a kid who always investigated things , but i saw him with a Goldeen he must of caught , and seeing we were friends as little kids , i decided to go over to him .Tapping him on his shoulder , and giving him a fright , he turned around and i said "hey you wouldn't mind if i talked to you for a minute , would you ?"
"No " he replied with a suprised tone "Goldeen , practice that move a couple of times " . Looking around , i saw a look on Murkrows face , and knew exactly what he wanted ."Go ahead " i said to him with a sigh , and he ran off to play with goldeen ."Anyway" i said ,turning to Luke ,"You didn't see nate walking by here did you ?"
"Can't say i have , why , is it important ? "he said in a curious tone.
"A bit , I wanted to see where he went , he said he was heading to Veilstone for a few battles "
"Why , were you supposed to go with him? "
"No , i wanted to go any way he doesn't , I am thinking of going to Hearthrome's gym ,"
"Oh ... well i was eh .. wandering if eh... i could go with you , its supposed to be a nice city? " he said i a nervous tone .
"Luke .. is something wrong you seem very nervous ?"
" Nothing .. its just .. that Nate always said you can be a bit annoying on long trips .. and eh .... its nothing anyway "
"Okay you can come anyway .. but try not to be like that for the whole way over "
"Okay i will go and get ready , do you need to...."
"Already packed , I will wait for you , Murkrow , come on , were leaving ."

End of chapter one

 

[zen_master_dude]

That was not good. But let's get to it:

First of all, why is your formatting all to the left? Did you write it in Notepad? Sigh...
(also, I don't want to try to point out the grammar fails here. get Word, or OpenOffice, or at least spell check it online.)

It was a normal day , as far as I thought ,Murkrow sitting on his perch
doing no more than he usually does .

So from your description, we can assume that Murkrow is a crazed platypus that grew wings, or that it was a mini-wolf that sprouted a beak, or.... yeah.

Getting up i went over and turned
on the TV to watch the news

Getting up from where?

Nate , sitting at the table reading one of his
astronomy books , and e-mailing some of his other astronomy fanatics
over in Veilstone , there seem to be a lot of them over there .

Again, no need to describe.

'What where you doing just there Cyrus , sitting around at the TV
with that stupid Murkrow of yours 'said Nate with a Intimidating look

Ah, his brother will be the cliché douche.

' Why do you 2 always fight , you both seemed to enjoy it when we went
and you both got to catch your own Pokemon ' said my mam , while she
was looking out the window .

Yeah, cause it would take so much time to write two instead of 2.

'Because ',Nate moaned 'Cyrus never lets us battle them , he always
keeps his up in the room 'just saying all this to annoy me , he was
never interested in battling , he just uses his Bronzor as a status
symbol , because you cant catch them anywhere near here .

' Well ', my mam said in a suggestive tone ' why don't you both give gym battling
a try , you never know you might like it '.

' Alright ', i said reluctantly ' I will go up
against the Sunyshore Gym ' giving a smirk to Nate .

So, let me get this straight. Their mother just sort of casually suggests they go away from home, battling Gyms all over the country, and they just sort of accept for kicks?

/facepalm

' Well both of you should be getting ready , your father will be home
in a week from the wind works construction , and he will be proud to
see his 2 sons have beat a gym ' my mother said in a happy voice.

Yes, he will be so happy to see his two sons gone away all by themselves, and he hasn't even been consulted. Why don't you just add bunnies and rainbows, to completely sugar fluff it out?

This was short, the characters might as well be cardboard cut-outs, with no feelings, dreams, secrets, or aspirations of any kind. You describe nothing. Frankly, it seemed like you just read some fic (probably mediocre), and thought you could just go and jot something down in Notepad, and then post it here.

Go back, read the rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors, rewrite, then continue.

 

[frozenthrone101]

any better

 

[zen_master_dude]

No. It's not better. You didn't add description, emotion, feelings or anything of the sort. You just prolonged the chapter with more of the same. And even though I think that fills up the minimum length requirement (2 pages in Word, which you haven't got), it's still bad. I can be here all day, but go read other people's fics, better fics. See how characters are described, Pokémon are described, every hint of joy, fear, happiness, dread, despair, luck is described or hinted at.

 

[Yami Ryu]

It helps when you, you know, attempt to fix broken paragraphs instead of leaving them in stacked upon lines.

Why are you also spacing after commas and speech quotations?

"It is like this," the reviewer wrote out in the critique for the chapter.

It was a normal day , as far as I thought ,Murkrow sitting on his perch ,
he doesn't like his Pokeball .

Instead of showing us the world, the pokemon or the 'narrator' you flat out tell us it's a Normal day. A mysterious creature called Murkrow sat upon a perch, just because it dislikes being inside a Pokeball.

Getting up from bed I went over and turned
on the TV to watch the news , nothing else is on this early , but before
i could ,

So he sleeps in the living room? Does he have a television in his bedroom? Why would he watch the news? And as anyone should know there are cartoon channels and on most cartoons do run 24/7. And even if news was the only thing on, why would a child be interested in it? I sure as hell was never interested in the news.

And 'before I could what'?

And 'I' is always capitalized when it is used to refer to oneself.

my Mother called me "Cyrus , Breakfast !".

So the main character is called Cyrus Breakfast ...

Not caring anyway i
down , to see my brother , Nate , sitting at the table reading one of his
astronomy books , and e-mailing some of his other astronomy fanatics
over in Veilstone , there seem to be a lot of them over there .

I down? At Nate sitting at a table? Was Cyrus Breakfast flying?

Already this shows you are horrible at describing, you rush and you don't care about actually writing anything, because to be frank this is so bad I can't believe it unintentionally came about to be this bad. nothing could be this bad unintentionally.

there's spelling errors, grammar errors, missing words. The description is so poor and abysmal that it's not funny. The character, Cyrus is turning out to just be another Ash Clone of sorts as he's not dark, broody or moody, or you're going to use the cliche reasoning of Oh the three emotion spirits caused this, when in Gameverse it pretty much is explained the kid was always like this and he just used the trio to summon Dialga/Palkia/Giratina hudrudalur.

"What where you doing just there Cyrus , sitting around at the TV
with that stupid Murkrow of yours " said Nate with a Intimidating look

Actually the 'what where' was Cyrus Breakfast was flying over your head, young Nate.

And you've not used the right emotional descriptions for words or actions or tone of voice.

'What are you doing, Cyrus? Sitting around doing nothing, not even training your stupid Murkrow?' Nate said mockingly as he barely spared a glance at his brother

Example. No you can't use.

If you seriously want to get better, go read Advice for Aspiring Authors. Go read the Rules as there's some tips too there probably. Put more than 30 minutes or less into writing something, work on description, showing us the world- Don't tell us. Don't poorly tell us. Set the world up.

Develop the characters and the interactions more and just generally, try and make it seem that you're not another one of those story posting trolls.

 

[frozenthrone101]

edited ... again

 

[Yami Ryu]

...

It was a normal day , as far as I thought ,Murkrow sitting on his perch ,
he doesn't like his Pokeball .Getting up from bed I went over and turned
on the TV in my room to watch the news , nothing else is on this early and even if it was it wasn't of interest to me, but before
i could turn it on , my Mother called me "Cyrus ,time for breakfast !".Not caring anyway i
down , to see my brother Nate who was sitting at the table reading one of his
astronomy books , and e-mailing some of his other astronomy fanatics
over in Veilstone , there seem to be a lot of them over there .
"See your e-mailing your friends over in Veilstone again

Where are the edits?

Where?

Seriously. Where.

How about instead of speed editing in things so small that they can't be taken note of unless you glance over the same paragraph five times, you go and do what we said?

 

[frozenthrone101]

But you's aren't making it clear , yous quote a piece and then joke on it i can't understand what you mean

 

[Yami Ryu]

Lesse.


It helps when you, you know, attempt to fix broken paragraphs instead of leaving them in stacked upon lines.

Why are you also spacing after commas and speech quotations?

"It is like this," the reviewer wrote out in the critique for the chapter.


Instead of showing us the world, the pokemon or the 'narrator' you flat out tell us it's a Normal day. A mysterious creature called Murkrow sat upon a perch, just because it dislikes being inside a Pokeball.





So he sleeps in the living room? Does he have a television in his bedroom? Why would he watch the news? And as anyone should know there are cartoon channels and on most cartoons do run 24/7. And even if news was the only thing on, why would a child be interested in it? I sure as hell was never interested in the news.

And 'before I could what'?

And 'I' is always capitalized when it is used to refer to oneself.




I down? At Nate sitting at a table? Was Cyrus Breakfast flying?



Already this shows you are horrible at describing, you rush and you don't care about actually writing anything, because to be frank this is so bad I can't believe it unintentionally came about to be this bad. nothing could be this bad unintentionally.

there's spelling errors, grammar errors, missing words. The description is so poor and abysmal that it's not funny. The character, Cyrus is turning out to just be another Ash Clone of sorts as he's not dark, broody or moody, or you're going to use the cliche reasoning of Oh the three emotion spirits caused this, when in Gameverse it pretty much is explained the kid was always like this and he just used the trio to summon Dialga/Palkia/Giratina hudrudalur.

Actually the 'what where' was Cyrus Breakfast was flying over your head, young Nate.

And you've not used the right emotional descriptions for words or actions or tone of voice.

'What are you doing, Cyrus? Sitting around doing nothing, not even training your stupid Murkrow?' Nate said mockingly as he barely spared a glance at his brother

Example. No you can't use.


If you seriously want to get better, go read Advice for Aspiring Authors. Go read the Rules as there's some tips too there probably. Put more than 30 minutes or less into writing something, work on description, showing us the world- Don't tell us. Don't poorly tell us. Set the world up.

Develop the characters and the interactions more and just generally, try and make it seem that you're not another one of those story posting trolls.


I am really beginning to suspect you are a troll.

 

[zen_master_dude]

Correct the broken paragraphs.

Going to my room i thought to myself why i have never got into battling before
heading into my room , i sat down at the computer , Murkrow beside me and searched
' Tips on Battling' , and one result came up , and i began to read it,
and all it said was 'The best way to learn about battling is by trying it'

Cause, you know, the internet is the only solution for everything. And apparently, bringing an inexperienced trainer with a young Pokémon that could get killed or hurt, to a battle, is perfectly fine. Ah, internet.

Heading over to one of the stands to get a pokeball ,
one of them comes over to me
"Cyrus , what are you doing here , you weren't here before
your always in on those computers , at least that is what Nate tells me ."

" Nate always likes to say false thing about me , though he may tell the truth to you
what he say's about me is usually made up ,"

" So i see your going to try catch some pokemon , any personal hopes on what you
might see?"

" Actually no , i wasn't going out to catch originally , but i thought just in case i did want to "

" Well good luck " he said "and tell me how it goes "

I'm sorry, you say that Nate's friends ignore Cyrus, and yet 10 seconds later, one of them comes up to Cyrus, and wishes him good luck? Consistency fail?

after that i grabbed a potion and a bag pack from another counter and went up to pay
"Lets see , 1 pokeball ,1 Potion and a Bag pack , that comes to $50.
handing him the money , and putting the items in the bag , I headed for for the outside of the city

Heh, no.

"Hm," Cyrus pondered, examining the items he had picked up, along with the price tags on them. "That's fifty bucks." He muttered to himself, walking absently to the counter. A cheerful, young woman greeted him there, and went on to place the items he had purchased in a bag.

"That will be 49,99, please." The woman responded politely, if a bit too politely. Cyrus rummaged his pockets for money, and finally handed it to the cashier. She accepted with a smile she wore every day, as Cyrus picked up the bag.

Example; you can use it if it makes you feel better. And what, Cyrus is now heading on his journey; a journey of ups and downs, wins and losses, and he apparently feels nothing?

I feel like you haven't read Advice for Aspiring Authors, or any good fics. You don't have to listen to my advice, or even Yami's, a respected writer and critic here, and go on with the below-average fic, but you're only fooling yourself.

 

[frozenthrone101]

did some more editing

 

[Yami Ryu]

Spoiler: Fanfiction Advice Quote

-----------------------------------------------------------------

As I have read the various works posted on this board, I have noticed many of the same problems over and over. Here are some general guidelines to follow when writing your fics:

1) Proper Use of the Keyboard.
There are several useful keys on the keyboard:

Enter/Return: This is one of the most useful keys. Use it whenever you have finished with one idea and are ready to move on to the next paragraph. Use it when one person has finished speaking, and another is about to start. When doing so, hit it twice, to produce a blank line between paragraphs. This makes it a lot easier for your readers to tell where your paragraphs start and end. Large blocks of uninterrupted text are hard to read.

Shift: Another important key. Hold it down when typing the first letter of a sentence, the first letter of a name, or the letter 'I' when using it as the first person singular subject pronoun.

Caps Lock: Often used as a substitute for the 'Shift' key. Don't do it. Text should not be in all capital letters unless someone is SHOUTING!

The Spacebar: Hit it once after every word or comma, twice after a period.

Tab: Unfortunately, this does not work to indent paragraphs on these boards. This is why a blank line between paragraphs is essential.

Other Keys: Your keyboard, unless it is defective, comes with a full complement of letters. Don't be afraid to use them. There is no reason to type 'u' instead of 'you', or indeed to use any abbreviation you learned in a chat room. There is no penalty for taking a few seconds longer to type complete words.

--------------------------------

2) Tips on Composition.

Paragraphs: Use these as your basic unit of composition. Each paragraph should be used to set forth a single idea. If a paragraph seems to long, it probably contains multiple ideas, and should be split up for clarity. If it seems too short, expand on the idea.

Sentences: A sentence should contain exactly one action or statement of existence. If it contains more than one, split it into two or more. If it contains less than one, finish the sentence. Run-on sentences are often confusing, while fragments make the reader feel that something is missing.

Description: Make sure that your reader can visualize what is happening. Don't just say something like "Joe walked along enjoying the scenery". This gives no indication of whether the scenery he is enjoying is a redwood forest, a beach at sunset, or the Grand Canyon.

A description is not just a list of attributes. When describing a character, don't just list their name, age, height, weight, hair colour, and current pokemon team. Bring this information out gradually when the person appears in a story.

Don't have Joe meet a trainer named Fred who is 12 years old, has green eyes and red hair, is three and a half feet tall, and whose pokemon are squirtle, pikachu, butterfree, grimer, tauros, and krabby. Have Joe see a short, red-haired kid with startlingly green eyes, and talk to him. Have names mentioned early in the conversation. The pokemon may be either revealed in a battle, or introduced individually during the conversation.

-------------------------------

3) Other General Advice

Plot: Try to be original. "Joe is 10 (or 11 or 12) years old and about to start his pokemon journey. He goes to Professor (insert tree here) and gets a (insert pokemon here)" has been done too many times already. "Joe is a 10-year-old from Pallet Town and about to start his pokemon journey. He accidentally sleeps in, and by the time he gets to Professor Oak's lab, all the starters have been taken, so he gets a Pikachu" is so old everyone is sick of it.

Try to be reasonable. A new trainer is not going to start with a legendary, or even rare, pokemon. The standard starter pokemon were selected for a reason: They are easy for professors to obtain whenever new trainers are about to start, they can be controlled by beginners, and with proper training, they can become quite powerful.

Likewise, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to catch any of the legendary pokemon. They are simply too powerful. If you have seen either of the movies, think about it. Mew or Mewtwo can deflect any attack you try with minimal effort.

Consider the scene in The Power of One where Ash's Pikachu (which has been known to defeat rock and ground types) meets Zapdos. Compare their relative power levels. Now think about how hard it would be to defeat Zapdos. This can be applied to any of the legendary pokemon. No trainer will have one unless it has a good reason to want to accompany that trainer.

Characters: Make your characters real. Give them strengths and weaknesses. Inherently superior trainers who win each battle effortlessly are boring. So are incompetent members of Team Rocket. So is the gym-leader-who-can't-stand-being-defeated. The stock "Rival" character is also getting old.

Whatever you do, don't just refer to people by labels from the GameBoy games (Rocket, Cooltrainer, Lass, Bug Catcher, etc). Remember that these are real people you are working with.

Spelling/Grammar: Write your story in a word-processing program. Use the spellchecker, but don't depend on it completely. It can tell whether your word matches the spelling of a real word, but it cannot tell whether it is the word you wanted to use.

Use grammar checkers with extreme care. They cannot actually understand what you are saying, and often make mistakes.

Spoiler: Fanfiction Advice Quote

Description comes in many forms and there are various tricks you can use to convey what is happening to your readers:

1, Adjectives - these are words that tell people what something looks, feels, sounds, smells or tastes like. In theory, you can have a story without any adjectives, but it would seem rather bland and offer little more than a basic outline of the scene. Take this as an example:

"Jessica shook back her hair"

OK, maybe Jessica's hair colour isn't important in this instance, but let's, for argument's sake, say that it is. And, again for the sake of argument, let's say she has dark hair:

"Jessica shook back her dark hair"

Or, to take it a stage further:

"Jessica shook back her lustrous raven black hair"

If you ever need help coming up with suitable adjectives, a good Thesaurus might come in handy. Just be careful to make sure that the adjective you choose conveys the meaning you intended: for example "cute" and "beautiful" both mean something that is attractive, but "cute" tends to mean it is attractive in a childlike way.

2, Synonyms for said - not strictly description, but using words such as "exclaimed", "retorted", "muttered", "commented" and so forth is a useful tool if you want to convey a character's tone of voice. The use of "said" combined with an appropriate adverb can also help here, as can describing a characters body language. For example, if the character is impatient, he or she will probably be fidgeting, checking his or watch or doing any one of the various displacements actions people engage in at such moments.

But don't be afraid to use the word "said" on its own without any qualification if it's appropriate to the situation.

3, Metaphors and similes - these are words that compare something to something else, the difference between them being that a simile simply says that something reminds the author of something else (eg, "as cunning as a Vulpix"), whereas a metaphor suggests that the two things are more or less one and the same. For example:

"Mark is a bit of a Gyarados"

does not mean that Mark is literally a Gyarados (or even a human/Gyarados hybrid). Rather, it suggests that he has something in common with Gyarados such as a quick temper.

4, Onomatopeia - can't remember the exact spelling and I don't have a dictionary to hand so I can't look it up. Anyway, this is a very important tool for creating sound effects - try saying words like "click", "hum", "rattle", "yawn" and so forth out loud and notice how the pronunciation imitates the sound they represent. If we take the sentence:

"The trees swayed restlessly in the breeze"

as an example, notice how the word "restlessly" sounds remarkably like the sound of rustling leaves. In any case, doing this kind of thing can help add atmosphere to your writing as it enables people to "hear" what your characters are hearing. This is one of the more advanced forms of description, but I'm sure you can think of a few examples of words being used to convey sound.

Spoiler: Example #1

“This is the way we train the ‘karp, train the ‘karp, this is the way we train the ‘Karp as it knows nothing,” Angel muttered to herself as she held the large light orange and grey finned pokemon at the base of the tail and swung the hapless fish. A yelp of pain escaped into the air, but it wasn't from the Magikarp that just blinked it's blank eyes, letting out a monotone ‘Magi?’ as a Geodude tumbled across the graveled surface of the cave floor and only came a stop when it rolled into a pile of sand a ways off from Angel.

Snorting, Angel let her left hand fall away from helping hold the Magikarp like a bat and rested it against her hip. “Pathetic. Even without a water attack, this thing still is better than half the pokemon here.” Grumbled the auburn haired, grey eyed teenager as she glared about the cavern.

“Char. Charmeleon char.” Hades said from Angels’ side.

Glancing down at the blood red pokemon, Angel sighed, “No Hades, we are not going catch one of these weaklings. You do not have to worry about having a pathetic partner.”

“Meleo mel char.”

Angel growled and glared at Hades before focusing her attention on Caim and finally held him the right way, and not like a blunt object to bludgeon things to death with. “Caim is not weak. He's defeated a trainer, several Geodudes and some Zubats. Does this look like something weak?” Angel almost cooed out, and scratched Caim on the head.

“Magikarp, Magikarp. Karp magikarp.” Was all she recived and Hades snickered and said something equivalent to ‘No but he is stupid’, only the remark got Hades a crack upside the head, but he was used to the pops by now, they weren't painfull, and it showed his trainer wasn't weak or afraid of his kind like the other trainers were.

Muttering to herself about mostly non important things, Angel brushed a reddish-brown strand of hair out of her eyes while tapping a shoe protected foot lightly against the cave floor. With her free hand Angel pulled the map out of a pocket, and snapped it open. “Lets see...” Angel grumbled as she skimmed over it. “If we continue this way... go down next the tunnel we come across, and take it all the way to the end.. we'll be out of here by nightfall. Or daybreak. Whichever is about to happen in a few hours.”

“Char.”

“Oh stop complaining. The longer we're here, the more you get to stay out.” Angel snapped out at the dry remark from the Charmeleon, as she stuffed the map back into her pocket with out a hint of grace or care about the whole process.

After placing the map back into her pocket, and made sure the lump of paper was going to stay, or rather more of a scroll, but it was the same thing to Angel, she started walking forwards, Hades by her side. Both (Magikarp really aren't smart enough usually to be included most of the time in a ‘group’) ignored the chittering of Zubat's as the bat pokemon wisely avoided the light. They might not be able to see it, but the warmth was enough to warn them away.

Lost in their own thoughts, they continued on, and it seemed they'd have an uneventfull trip through the rest of the moutain.

But then again, things don't always go as planned.

“Arg! Halt! I can't let you pass!” A masculine voice yelled out from the darkness, before the patter of footsteps against stone filled the air. Angel quirked an eyebrow and paused, turning a bit to the left, the way the sound was, and the yell had come from. For a moment, nothing came out of the darkness.

Then a red booted foot appeared in the ringlet of light cast by Charmeleon's tail, followed by another booted foot, and Angel raised her gaze a bit. And then a bit more, and whistled slightly, he might look a bit dorky in the get up the man was in, red shorts, a black under shirt and a red jacket, and it seemed a red/black hat over his head with one of the old symbols for Earth on it. But Angel admited he was a looker.

She just got the feeling that beneath those baby blues and blonde hair, he was going to bring a surprise she didn't want. Especially with that shout he had seemingly done.

“I can't let you pass, Team Magma have already taken over Mt Moon, and it'd be best to turn back, before you're forced!”

Angel hated when those feelings were right, and sighed lightly before regaining her composure. “This isn't owned property, and it's a bit early for halloween, isn't it? Why don't you and your friends go play dress up somewhere else.” Angel snapped out with a toss of her hand, motioning for him to leave her presence now.

Spoiler: Example #2

The night was cold. The wind blowing in from the waters a few hundred yards away, was the reason for this. It could also be explained by the fact a Death Knight normally did no longer have a warm body tempature. But this wasn't on the mind of the young looking Night Elf as she rested in the saddle of her Deathcharger, which she had dubbed Valerus. The steed, as undead as its rider, stood as still and silent as she.

Around her, illuminated by only the soft glow of the twin moons above, was the cold hard truth at the death and devistation she, and others of the Lich King's army, had caused. Brittle bones littered the land. Trees, dead or twisted beyond recognistion from the plauge blight, were scattered here and there. The remains of burned houses could just be made out.

Strawberry dully noted that the farm seemed to have survived the longest- it was where she had stolen Valerus, only to ultimately hand him over to a Dark Rider, for his subsequent slaughter and rebirth into the form he was now. But, that was no longer an important item of interest. Or even why she even remembered about the farm in the first place.

It was because here, was where the slaughter began.

Strawberry could still remember it, the first time her runeblade had tasted blood. It was the place where she had taken her first life, as a servant of the Lich King. Gladly listenting to his blood thirsty, maddening whispers and enjoying the massacre she and others were causing. So good infact, was she and those other few initiates that were Arthas' right hands nearly, they had caused all of Ner Avalon to be quickly destroyed- what forces of the radical Scarlet Crusade remained, were quickly fleeing to the North, or farther into the Plauged lands.

Closing her now, glowing blue eyes, Strawberry let out a slow breath. Not from pain at remembering her fallings, for she did not truly regret her actions, to the extent or reasons that someone would assume. But because she had failed- in life, and in death. And rthere seemed to be no greater burden then making mistakes twice in a row.

It seemed her only relief to this, was the fact outside of her, her horse, and a wolf-like animal curled at the feet of the death stallion, Strawberry was alone in the still as death night. It was something she was silently greatful for. All the judging looks, from her fellow death knights, from those at the Light's Hope Chapel and from those in the Alliance, or even Horde forces. That was what wore Strawberry down, that was what caused her to go over her mistakes and past so frequently.

There was also a downside to this- the pull, the tug, the dark whisperings of the Lich King, were starting to once more attempt to flicker through the back of her mind, infiltrate her, cause her to sway. To fall. To embrace the glory of Undeath and the power of the Lich King, to bring death to all those that her former king demanded.

What scared Berry the most though, was that she had seen others fall. She had also been the one to kill them- repeatedly. And thus, it left a somewhat painful question. Who would stop her, from failing a third time?

And as always, the sobering thought of, No one, came to her. She only had her own self, her own willpower, to fall back on. For now her only support was Valerus, and the Plauge hound she had rescued from being slaughtered. And for now, it was enough.

Now. Stop with the multiple bad editing. Actually fix the paragraphs. fix the grammar errors. Stop editing this in the Reply Box and go use a Word Program; so you can do what I told you the first time, and take your time.

 

[zen_master_dude]

Example; you can use it if it makes you feel better.

That was sarcasm.

And you use it, but not only that. I wrote in third person, and your story is in first person. So you add it in third person, then switch back to first.

/facepalm

"Well " I said to Murkrow " we won't start on a pokemon , just practice by attacking the small trees .
"row" he replied , giving me a nod
"Alright " i shouted " used peck on the smaller trees " and cut one clean in half
"Good "i said " now fly around it and use Wing attack " cutting another tree in half

Again, nobody feels anything. And apparently, a Peck attack from an inexperienced, and not trained Murkrow can cut a tree in half?

I actually thought that was cool , Murkrow was able to use those moves perfectly . Walking along the road a car pulled over with a radio playing , and I heard one of the announcements on it "there is currently a competition on in the town of Veilstone city , giving away a free voucher for an underground Kit in the Local Department store . To win the competition all you have to do is win a one on one battle against another randomly selected contestant
for this special prize . On in Veilstone city now !
I saw this as an chance to really test Murkrow , and decided to go
"Well " I said to Murkrow "I think we found you're practice" , and began to make our way to Veilstone

So they trained for all of... eh, maybe 10 seconds, and then ran off to another challenge. Did anyone stop to think that there would be other, experienced trainers that can pummel Cyrus and his Murkrow? No.

This is bad. You've "edited" it fifty times, and done nothing. Absolutely nothing. Actually edit it, take a day, maybe two. Look at the chapter, see what's wrong with it. Gradually add improvements, and when you're ready, post it.

 

[frozenthrone101]

look i have been distracted lately , and when you posted the last few comments , it began to feel like you were insulting me more that rating the story , any way i have done some more edits , changing a bit of the story line

 

[Giratina!]

Okay. So.

I know you've been harping on about how none of the reviews help yu, but this is because you aren't listening to them. Just scanning through a review WILL NOT HELP YOUR STORY. You need to take their advice, understand what it means, brush up on your grammar, learn how to use details, and take some logic and common sense into account. There are countless errors in here that you could fix if you took some time to pay attention in class, and there are plenty of online grammar guides that will help you.

If you say you have done this, that you have been paying perfect attention in language arts/writing/what have you and type perfectly, then it boils down to this: you know how to do it, but you're not taking it seriously. You need to take a story seriously or else people on Serebii will make fun of your story (not to mention you won't care very much about it either).

I repeat.

They are not insulting you. They mean no harm or ill will towards you. They don't give a Ratatta's tail about you and your distractedness. They are trying to help you write your story in varying degrees of rudeness.

So please. I like the concept - anything with Magneton Man Cyrus is at least a little bit redeemed in my book - but you really need to learn basic elements of writing and come back when you think you can write a competent story. And don't skimp out on it and tell yourself that you are Writerman just because you spent a few days deleting excess commas. Because guess what? Unless you actually do improve your writing, you will either be ignored or get exactly the same feedback. And if you repeat this process, eventually people will get sick of you.