Galactic Race for Giratina

[Zoruagible]

PM list: Phoopes


Chapter 1- A Wonderful Beginning

Zach sat on a couch in the living room of his Twinleaf Town home, watching a documentary about a red Gyarados at Lake Verity. Suddenly, a large energetic blonde male burst into the room.

“Zach!” the boy exclaimed. “Guess what?”

“What is it, Barry?” asked Zach, wondering what his friend wanted this time.

“Professor Rowan just arrived back from Kanto,” Barry explained. “Let’s see if he’ll give us our first Pokémon, so we can catch that red Gyarados everyone is talking about.”

Zach stood up and turned off the TV. “Okay, Barry. Let’s go!” he said.

“Hurry!” yelled Barry. “If you’re late, I’ll fine you!” He ran back outside and closed the front door of Zach's house as he left.

Zach sighed with a grin. "Same old Barry."

He went upstairs to get his backpack in his room and Zach already knew what Pokémon he would choose. When he reached the second floor of his house, his mom was there and handed him his backpack.

"Good luck on your journey, sweetie." She kissed him on the cheek.

“Hurry, Zach!” Barry shouted from outside Zach's house.

Zach met up with Barry outside and just as they made it to the outskirts of Twinleaf Town, Barry bumped into an old man in a white overcoat.

Zach snickered, recognizing that the old man was Professor Rowan.

“What is the meaning of this?” asked the Professor as he looked down at the two boys.

“I’m sorry,” Barry apologized as he backed up. “See, my friend, Zach, and I are to get our first Pokémon.”

Professor Rowan started laughing. “You are one lucky boy. This suitcase I’m carrying has one of each of the Starter Pokémon in it. You each can choose one.”

Barry looked at Zach and sighed, “Well, buddy, I guess you can pick first.”

Professor Rowan opened the case, and grabbed three Poke Balls, throwing the half-red, half-white spherical objects into the air. The balls opened up, revealing three different Pokémon. One was a green turtle with a leaf on it’s forehead. Another was a blue penguin with two white ovals on its body and white circles around its eyes. The final one was a red monkey with a flame for a tail.

“The turtle is Turtwig, the penguin is Piplup, and the monkey is Chimchar,” Professor Rowan explained, pointing to each one that matched the description.

Zach looked at the three Pokémon for awhile, then picked up Chimchar. “I pick this one,” he said, picking up the little monkey.

Chimchar’s face lit up. “Chimchar!” it said, as it jumped into Zach's arms.

Barry smirked and picked Piplup. "I hope now you know why I let you pick first, Zach, because I pick Piplup. Piplup has a type advantage over Chimchar."

“Good choice,” said Professor Rowan, smiling. “Come with me to my lab, I’d like you to meet my assistant and give you both Poké Balls and a Pokédex.” He began to walk to where Sandgem Town was.

Zach made one last glance to Twinleaf Town, noticing several black and white colored birds flying around. Those seemed like good Pokémon, but not something Zach would prefer.

"Come on, Zach!" Barry shouted to Zach as he followed the professor to Sandgem Town.

They soon came across a big building with a big yard behind it.

“This is my lab,” Professor Rowan said as he opened the front door. “Dawn, come here. I’d like you to meet some new trainers.”

Zach noticed a blue haired girl about his age, walking towards them. She had on a white hat and a small pink and black skirt, coupled with black socks and pink boots.

“I’m here, Professor,” she said, making one small glance at Zach.

“Excellent,” said Rowan. He walked towards a table, grabbing several Poké Balls and two rectangular objects. “Barry and Zach, these Poké Balls are yours.” Professor Rowan handed the two boys five empty Poke Balls each, for capturing more Pokémon.

“Thanks!” Zach said, as he took his five Poké Balls.

Professor Rowan handed Zach a blue square, and Barry a yellow square. “These are your Poke Dexes. You can record data on the Pokémon you come across, so they are very helpful to trainers.”

Just then a man dressed in a white overcoat, green shirt and tan colored pants ran in. “Professor, there is someone at Lake Verity. I don’t think they are supposed to be there.”

Professor Rowan nodded and looked at Zach and Dawn. “I’d like you two to go to the lake.”

“Why not me?” Barry asked, annoyed that he wouldn't be able to get in on some action.

“I have something different for you.” Professor Rowan replied.

Dawn nodded. "Zach, let's go!"

Dawn ran out the lab, with Zach right behind her.

 

[Zoruagible]

Chapter 2- Sneasel and Buizel

Zach and Dawn soon came across a river.

"All we have to do is follow this river, and we will reach the lake," said Dawn.

Zach smiled, but noticed some bubbles rising in the water. A small orange seal came out of the water.

"Bui Bui!" it shrieked.

""Awesome, a Buizel," said Zach, grabbing Chimchar's pokeball. "Chimchar, come out."

Chimchar burst out of it's ball, and jumped up and down.

"Chimchar, use Tackle!" exclaimed Zach.

Chimchar ran towards Buizel, and slammed him. In response, Buizel shot out a small blast of water at Chimchar.

"Dodge!" yelled Zach.

Chimchar dove to the side, and ran at Buizel again. Chimchar slammed into the sea weasel's chest, knocking out Buizel.

"Yes, go Poke Ball!" said Zach, throwing a red and white ball at Buizel.

Buizel got absorbed inside in a beam of red light. Zach watched the ball go back and forth then dinged announcing the capture.

"Yes, Buizel is caught!" he yelled.

Chimchar smiled, and jumped up and down.

Dawn smiled at Zach. "Let's hurry!" she said.

They soon arrived at the lake, and noticed a blue haired man looking at the lake with a blonde haired girl about their age next to him.

"Mesprit," said the man. "Show yourself."

The girl looked towards them. "Dad, we've got company."

The man turned around, and narrowed his eyes. "Battle them, Andy," he said, and ran off.

Andy rolled her eyes, and threw a poke ball calling out a black weasel Pokémon with a red feather on it's fore head.

"Sneasel!" it said.

Zach looked at Dawn. "You want to handle this?"

"Of course!" Dawn said as she threw a Poké Ball in the air, "Go, Piplup!" A blue penguin burst out.

"Use Bubble," Dawn commanded, pointing at Sneasel.

Piplup shot multiple bubbles at Sneasel. Sneasel growled, and slashed at the bubbles with his claws.

"Use Scratch," said Andy. Sneasel clawed at Piplup, making a critical blow. Piplup screeched, then fainted.

Zach narrowed his eyes, angry at Andy. "Chimchar, use Ember!"

Chimchar shot out a small fire blast at Sneasel. Sneasel fell down, but slowly managed to get up.

“Sneasel, use slash.” said Andy.

Sneasel slashed at Chimchar, but Chimchar dodged by jumping to the right.

“Chimchar use ember.” Said Zach.

"Sneasel,dodge and use Surf!" said Andy.

Sneasel suddenly appeared atop of a huge wave of water, ready to crash down on Chimchar.

"No, Chimchar!" yelled Zach.

Chimchar got soaked, and eventually fainted.

"Chim.... char," it murmured.

"You'll be smart enough to stay out of our business next time," said Andy, running off.

Zach looked at Dawn. "Let's get our Pokémon to a Pokemon Center," he said.

As they started to leave, a small white Pokemon with red on it’s forehead appeared, then quickly faded away.

 

[Phoopes]

Okay, this is a good start, but there's one thing that you need more than anything else- more description! Almost every one of your paragraphs is less than a line long. With quotes, that's okay. But when you are describing something (such as Buizel being captured) you might want to up your description more. For example, you could turn this:

"Buizel got absorbed inside in a beam of red light. Zach watched the ball go back and forth then dinged announcing the capture."

Into this:

"Zach hurled his Pokeball at the stunned Buizel. It transformed into a beam of red light and was sucked inside the red-and-white device. It dropped to the ground, and rolled back and forth, a light blinking in the center of the Pokeball. Suddenly, it stopped moving, and with a faint 'Ding!' the capture was complete."

In this example, the reader is given more details about the capture. Therefore, they can probably visualize it better. But what you have certainly isn't bad. If use just a tad bit more of description, your writing will drastically improve.

Now for the actual plot itself: It's obviously Sinnoh journey story. No offense, but you'll have to write this really well to stand out from the multitude of journey fics on this site. Anyway, I do like the inclusion of Barry. That hyperactive guy always made me laugh. (And the inclusion of "I'll fine you!" made me chuckle.) One thing that I didn't like, however was this.

"Good luck on your journey, sweetie." She kissed him on the cheek.

Honestly, most mothers would show a lot more emotion than this if their son left home to travel the world. I know that the mother doesn't seem concerned in the games, but if you want to make this seem more realistic, think of who your characters are. A mother might cry while she's saying this, sad that he'll be leaving home. She might be happy for her son, having confidence that he'll succeed. But almost no mother would just treat this as if her child were just going next door and will be back in time for dinner. Just a thought for you, that's all.

One thing that seemed "off" in the first chapter was that Zach "picked up" Chimchar, and then Chimchar "jumped into his arms." It seemed kind of redundant to me, since Zach was already holding Chimchar.

However, one thing I did like was you explaining Barry's reasoning for picking Piplup. It always annoyed me that your rival "coincidentally" picked up the starter with a type advantage over yours. I'm also wondering where Barry is, and what he's helping Professor Rowan with...

In Chapter 2, I like the addition of Buizel to the team. Buizel was one of the first Pokemon I got in Diamond, so it's been a favorite of mine ever since then. But I was afraid that Zach would turn into a Gary Stu since he defeated Buizel so easily. However, that was a nice job you did making Zach lose to the Sneasel. I always hate it when a character wins every battle.

In conclusion, you're off to a good start with this fic. Include a little more description, and maybe get a bit more emotion going, and you'll be good.

 

[Zoruagible]

I will get more descriptive, don't worry

I'm planning to bring Barry into the story soon too, but that's all i'm saying for now

 

[Ejunknown]

Alright! I'm starting with the first chapter and quoting any issues I come across as i got through; to begin with, though, while I love the fact that you don't give away anything of the plot right away (and the title has me interested) there is a bit of a lack of substance that struck me right away.

“Zach!” the boy exclaimed. “Guess what?”

When he reached the second floor of his house, his mom was there and handed him his backpack.

While I like your use of the present tense, it makes the variation in your story telling drop short, as your method of communicating this story is just that, 'telling'. It's a sort of narration, as seen in:

“What is it, Barry?” asked Zach, wondering what his friend wanted this time.

Instead of incorporating that thought into the sentence, you are telling us exactly what Zach thinks, wants, does, in exactly the same way you describe everything else. Using this repeatedly in this story, telling us without any added description, tells the plot, but bores the reader, as they can't see the scene described, they have nothing to use with their imagination, and you miss an opportunity. An example of what the difference between showing, and telling, is:

Barry's excitement was plastered over his face as if the boy's thin features were a billboard, his emotions the advertisement, and the mind the energetic plaster that made a mess all over the sides. Steering himself for dealing with the full force of the subject in person, Zach bared a grin as he turned to his boisterous friend, brow quirked in question. "What is it, Barry?"

You aren't showing this story, rather than telling what happens; and this removes any opportunity for imagery, interesting descriptive segments, or anything outside from the plot - which can really blow up this interesting tale to a compelling, addicting adventure. >u<

You are good at story telling, though; you incorporate the characters thoughts well, and while I don't know much about them, I like what I see - but changing up how you tell the story could make it so much more.

Professor Rowan opened the case, and grabbed three Poke Balls, throwing the half-red, half-white spherical objects into the air. The balls opened up, revealing three different Pokémon. One was a green turtle with a leaf on it’s forehead. Another was a blue penguin with two white ovals on its body and white circles around its eyes. The final one was a red monkey with a flame for a tail.

You have used some description here, but they are rather static, aren't they? Are they that interesting to read? Description doesn't have to be boring, you can make it anything you want. Give us a creepy image of a piplup, like half-starved and ghoulish, as if it had just been dredged up from the very gutter of the ocean, or make out the turtle as something too cute beyond words (although it is ugly, very ugly. x'D) - have fun with it!

I'm going to leave this behind now, and move on. >u<

Zach made one last glance to Twinleaf Town, noticing several black and white colored birds flying around. Those seemed like good Pokémon, but not something Zach would prefer.

8D I love the mention of the wildlife of Twinleaf town here - a lot of people forget the abundance of wild pokemon when they describe areas. x'D

The plot, as it is right now, very much follows the Pokemon games - and as this is, it seems as if the level of detail given in writing is about as much as they give in the Pokemon games, except that the pixels fill in the rest of the story there. >m< I like the small interaction you suggested between Zach and Dawn (her small glance), but without more substance, the readers have no idea of their personalities, how they look (which isn't necessary - but noticeable, when you have nothing else on the characters) - and what I'd love to see from you, is to use what you've shown to be a good grasp of story telling, and expand this.

This is a good starting place, and I look forward to seeing more from you. >u<

 

[Zoruagible]

Alright! I'm starting with the first chapter and quoting any issues I come across as i got through; to begin with, though, while I love the fact that you don't give away anything of the plot right away (and the title has me interested) there is a bit of a lack of substance that struck me right away.





While I like your use of the present tense, it makes the variation in your story telling drop short, as your method of communicating this story is just that, 'telling'. It's a sort of narration, as seen in:



Instead of incorporating that thought into the sentence, you are telling us exactly what Zach thinks, wants, does, in exactly the same way you describe everything else. Using this repeatedly in this story, telling us without any added description, tells the plot, but bores the reader, as they can't see the scene described, they have nothing to use with their imagination, and you miss an opportunity. An example of what the difference between showing, and telling, is:



You aren't showing this story, rather than telling what happens; and this removes any opportunity for imagery, interesting descriptive segments, or anything outside from the plot - which can really blow up this interesting tale to a compelling, addicting adventure. >u<

You are good at story telling, though; you incorporate the characters thoughts well, and while I don't know much about them, I like what I see - but changing up how you tell the story could make it so much more.



You have used some description here, but they are rather static, aren't they? Are they that interesting to read? Description doesn't have to be boring, you can make it anything you want. Give us a creepy image of a piplup, like half-starved and ghoulish, as if it had just been dredged up from the very gutter of the ocean, or make out the turtle as something too cute beyond words (although it is ugly, very ugly. x'D) - have fun with it!

I'm going to leave this behind now, and move on. >u<



8D I love the mention of the wildlife of Twinleaf town here - a lot of people forget the abundance of wild pokemon when they describe areas. x'D

The plot, as it is right now, very much follows the Pokemon games - and as this is, it seems as if the level of detail given in writing is about as much as they give in the Pokemon games, except that the pixels fill in the rest of the story there. >m< I like the small interaction you suggested between Zach and Dawn (her small glance), but without more substance, the readers have no idea of their personalities, how they look (which isn't necessary - but noticeable, when you have nothing else on the characters) - and what I'd love to see from you, is to use what you've shown to be a good grasp of story telling, and expand this.

This is a good starting place, and I look forward to seeing more from you. >u<

Okay, thanks for the advice. I had no idea Piplup looked spooky. I should probably change that then.
Based on the last part, does that mean you want to be on the PM list

 

[Zoruagible]

Chapter 3- Thieving Murkrow

Zach and Dawn arrived back in Sandgem Town and walked towards the lab. A note was taped to the door, which said: Meet me in Eterna City.

Zach looked at Dawn, about to ask her where that was, when something bumped into him.

“Hey, watch it!” Barry exclaimed, backing away slightly, before realizing whom he bumped into. “Oh, it’s you. What happened at the lake?”

“Nothing much, but I caught a Buizel,” Zach said, smiling.

“Wow, that’s some luck,” Barry replied before smirking and reaching into his bag. “I caught something too.”

Barry threw a Poké Ball into the air, and out popped a tall, black and white bird with a long beak. Barry then pressed a button, calling it back inside.

“You got a Staravia?” asked Zach.

Barry nodded, and looked at the note on the door. “Hey, what gives? I was just talking to him a few hours ago, and he was at the lab.”

Zach looked at Barry. “Are you sure?” he asked.

“Of course I am!” Barry loudly replied to his friend. “I would have noticed if I passed an old man.”

“Maybe someone kidnapped him,” Dawn remarked, shuddering at the thought.

Suddenly, a small black bird dove with a small bag coming out of it’s beak from the sky, and quickly snatched Dawn’s Poké Balls. It flew off into the air, without anyone noticing.

“Let’s go to Jubilife City, then,” Barry suggested. “He could be there, it’s a big place.”

Murkrow swooped down, and grabbed Barry’s Poké Balls, then flew over towards Zach. He snatched Chimchar’s ball, then tried to steal Buizel but it wouldn’t fit. Murkrow glared, and took off into the air.

They walked north out of Sandgem town, when they spotted a small, blue, lion like Pokémon.

“Shinx!” it shrieked.

“Awesome!” Zach exclaimed, grabbing Buizel’s ball, as he noticed the new Pokémon. Buizel popped out, and looked at Shinx then at Zach. Buizel punched at the air in protest.

“What? Where’s Chimchar?” asked Zach, looking at his Poké Balls.

Dawn and Barry looked at their Poké Balls, and looked around confused. Shinx took this as a chance to flee and ran off.

“No!” said Zach, as he threw a empty poke ball at it, not wanting the Pokémon to get away. It hit Shinx in the face, then it was absorbed inside. The ball rolled back then forth, then Shinx popped back out. “Buizel, quick, hit it with Water Gun!”

Buizel nodded, and shot a small blast of water from his mouth. Shinx smiled, and his cheeks started to glow yellow. It unleashed lightning headed for Buizel.

“Buizel, quick dodge!” Zach ordered. Buizel quickly dove to the side, but the lightning hit his tail. Buizel knelt down, almost fainted.

“Buizel, use an Ice Beam attack!” said Zach. Buizel opened his mouth, and shot out a beam of ice at Shinx. Shinx got frozen in a block of ice.

“Great!” said Zach, throwing a poke ball at Shinx. The ball broke the ice on impact and Shinx was absorbed inside the ball. It dropped to the ground, and rolled back and forth, a light blinking in the center of the Poké Ball. Suddenly, it stopped moving, and with a faint 'Ding!', signaling another successful capture!

Zach picked up the Poké Ball, and smiled. “I wonder what happened to the other Pokémon,” he remarked, looking around. The small black bird flew towards the ground, and showed them the bag.

“It’s the Poké Balls aren’t they?” asked Barry.

Zach looked into the bag, and nodded. Murkrow snickered, and snatched the bag back. It took off into the air, but one Poké Ball fell onto the ground. Zach picked it up, and pressed the button to call out the Pokémon inside. A white squirrel with yellow cheeks, and a blue stripe going down it’s back.

“That’s my Pachirisu.” Dawn noticed, grabbing the ball from Zach's hands and recalling her Pokémon.

“No, fair!” Barry pouted. “That Murkrow hates me!”

“I bet it belongs to that Andy girl," Zach said.

“Hurry, let’s catch up to it.” said Barry, running into a forest.

“Barry, slow down.” said Zach, running after him. All three were unaware they were being watched by a pair of eyes.

 

[MukandGrimer]

This sounds cool so far