Game On: Crystal (one-shot)

[Mouse Tourmaline]

Crystal: Game Over

Crystal:
Game Over​

Sometimes, I wonder what was in his head. Like now, as the rocky climb grazes my knees and makes my feet ache.

Me? My name is Chris. A trainer, for what it’s worth. The sort of young adventurer who used to set the world alight. A girl trainer, a rare sight a few years ago. And I’m looking for him. Not to shower him with my praise, not to ask for his autograph or film a television interview. I’m going to fight him

Him. Who does he think he is?

When I grow up, I’m going to tell my children that I once saw Articuno, flying over Kanto. I was six years old, shopping in Celadon with my mother. She stopped to choose a pretty doll from the gift stall in the department store, while I wandered up the stairs until I came to the roof, money clutched in my hand for a cold drink. Then I saw it, the bird, flying high above the buildings, its tail fluttering in the gusts like a silver-blue ribbon. I clung to the rail, trying to fight the dizzy feeling I got from gazing at the sky, and I watched until it was gone. After that day, I dreamt of being a trainer so I could travel to the far-off Seafoam Islands and see it again, maybe stand in its presence and watch its icy stare…

Him. Who did he think he was?

I was younger, perhaps only four, when Team Rocket tried to steal from the bank in town. My sister, Amy, pulled me away and into the safety of the Pokémon Centre, where I watched from the window. They were dressed in night-black uniforms and their Pokémon’s fangs were like diamonds. I know this because Amy told me, because Mother and Father showed me the photographs in the papers, much later. All I remember was the wailing of sirens, and the handsome, fascinating strangers in the black costumes. I banged my hands on the windows, wanting to join in their game.

Now there are only outlaws. Bikers, most of them, and more of a menace than ever before. They steal from shops and ambush the unsuspecting. One of them took the mobile ‘phone I’d had in my pocket when I tried to cross Silence Bridge. I tried to hold her off with my Cyndaquil, but she was gone before I could do more than scorch her sleeves. I hope her bike falls in the river.

Him. Who did he think he was?

I heard from my cousin up in Cerulean that they’re extending the train line through the cave near where she lives. There’s going to be flats there, and an amusement park. They’re going to call it Mewtwo World. I don’t like to think about it, really. But I’ve seen the publicity brochures already, a vivid purple Mewtwo in bow tie and Indigo League hat, winking cheekily at the guests as he gives a thumbs-up to the world. I could cry.

Him. Who did he think he was?

Anger gives new speed to my steps as I climb this stupid mountain, the one he’s taken as his fortress. I will battle him. And I will win.

If he admits defeat, which I doubt, I will not ask for money or items as my prize before he runs, to seek peace and quiet in some other corner of the world. I won’t ask for his badges, or a medal, or even the acknowledgement that I’m better than he is.

All I want is for Articuno to carry me home, with the wind whipping my dark hair. I'd die for that.

But it will never be. Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres, Mewtwo, Team Rocket... intrigue and conspiracy, ... to my children, just stories.

Pokémon Master.

Who does he think he is?

 

[Ejunknown]

Quite good and interesting. A little short, but effective.

Good Points

¬ Unique and original. It wasn't an adventure story, it was a statement, a short auto-biography of that trainers life, of that trainers goal, which worked quite well.

¬ It was written in such a way that you could feel how Chris was feeling, and understand why she was climbing the mountain. It helped make you feel in the story, as the person.

¬ You put rhetorical questions through out, that gave it a rhythm, that helped the reader get into the story and that emphasised how the character was feeling.

Bad Points

I don't think there are any bad points. How you wrote it, makes it just fine the way it is.


All in all, very good. Keep on writing!

 

[Negrek]

Ugh, my computer ate this review after I'd gotten about halfway through it. Here's my second attempt...

I don't have time at the moment to do a review of my normal depth, but as I was skimming through the fanfiction section this one caught my eye and I felt I just had to drop you a review.

Very impressive. The style of narration for this piece is really what makes it work so well: Chris is reflecting upon her past and upon her goal, and yet at the same time it seems that she is speaking to an audience. It's a unique presentation and ultimately one of the best aspects of the 'fic, in my mind.

In addition, I love the way that you've worked with Chris' memories. At first glance, they appear largely unconnected, but you did a wonderful job of slowly drawing them together as the work progressed, allowing the true connections between them to emerge with time and then drawing them tightly together at the end. The flashbacks are worked masterfully and I also like the way that you've structured the piece overall, reemphasizing your initial ideas at the end so that it has a nice sort of rise-and-fall structure. The repetition of the "Who does he think he is?" as opposed to the "Who did he think he was?" was a nice way to imply a transition back to the present at the end and give the piece a nice closure.

Not only that, but the message of the one-shot is extremely unique; I don't believe I've ever seen one done to this tune before: the idea that if someone were to become a true pokémon master they would really be doing little else than taming the pokémon world and removing its wonder. By conquering the unconquerable they would remove the sense of wonder and adventure that's always driven the trainer system (at least, I hope that's what you were getting at ^^; ) Again, the way that you chose the memories and allowed the idea to develop over time allowed this message to be very powerful, and it resonated well with me; I couldn't help but cringe at the description of the ridiculous grinning Mewtwo. You create great empathy for Chris, amazing considering the number of words that you used to do so.

There was one thing that bugged me slightly, however; I think that you may have overemphasized the "Him. Who did he think he was?" a little too much. I understand that the phrase is a good way to tie together all of the flashbacks and to reemphasize the theme, but for me the repetition started to get monotonous, distracting a bit from the message instead of adding to it. Also, the title; I have to admit that it's going right over my head. I understand the Crystal a bit, I think, given the gender of the trainer and her remark that she's one of the first female trainers. However, I don't understand how the "Game On" relates to the work. Would you mind explaining? I'm sure there's some reason behind it.

I greatly enjoyed this. Excellent work on this one.

 

[Mouse Tourmaline]

It's a working title, and I meant to ask for suggestions for another but I forgot. As you might notice, I've altered it slightly and I think it's better. For want of a better name I called it Game On: Crystal because the reflection that inspired this fic came to me while considering the plot of my Crystal Version game (specifically: Some trainer who now lives on a mountain defeated the legends and Team Rocket a long time ago, so now there's just bikers and railroads.) Thus, also, the girl's being called Chris. But it's not specifically the game universe, as I imagine that a "real" super-trainer could have the same effect on the Pokémon world.

 

[DarkGirl]

I don't really have the time to do a big review, but I'll give you some pointers.

Good:
¬ It is very original, the trainer looking back on her life.
¬ It puts across the message that all Pokemon Trainers are not the same, the girl has a dream.
¬ I couldn't find any spelling or grammer errors.
¬ Short, but very effective.
¬ The repetition, that would usually be annoying, is effective here in linking the ideas together.


Bad Points
¬ The title. It's the first thing the reader sees. 'Game On' isn't a great title as she is looking back on her life, not forwards. I can't think of any brilliant suggestions myself, but titles are not one of my strong points.