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Kindoflame

Active Member
Me and a friend decided to write a Pokémon facfic. It would not be anything particularly special. No gimmick to make it unique and attract readers, or world-shattering messages about the nature of the fandom. It was just going to be us messing around, having a good time.

We created a world, made a few characters (including obvious self-inserts), and added some overarching themes. It was pretty clear we just wanted to live in the world of Pokemon and were living out that fantasy through a decent story. Pretty standard stuff, you know? But then something weird happened.

It started with small decisions. An unexpected character quirk here, a strange way to progress the plot there. We just kept asking ourselves ‘What would the characters do’ and ‘What would make a cool story’ and let whatever happened happen. Eventually though, we realized that the unthinkable had happened; Generic Trainer Fan Fic had become incredibly non-generic.

It was not the result of conscious decision on our part. Heck, we sometimes decided story elements by rolling dice. There was no one factor we could point to, no smoking gun to explain how it. Somehow, us trying to copy the best parts of franchise and fandom resulted in something that, as far as I can tell, is more than just a replica.

We decided to not chance the title even though it was no longer quite applicable because we thought it was funny. Plus, it would help us remember our original goals of making something fun. We did not set out to do something revolutionary and I seriously doubt we could if we tried. We wanted to have a bit of fun making something we could genuinely be proud of.

Regarding the story’s rating, I say that it is a solid G. It may dip into a low T at some points during the more intense battles. Anyone who can handle the Animorphs or Warriors series should have nothing to worry about.

I do have one requirement for any readers though. If you leave a review, you have to say at least one mean thing. There is not much of a point to me reading a review that only has nice things to say other than to boost my own ego. The only response to someone saying ‘That was such a great fight scene!’ is ‘Well thanks, that’s why I included it.’ However, someone telling me that the tone of a fight was too dark considering there was little at stake has provided information that I can act on and use to better ourselves in the future.


Chapter 1: Introduction

The only sound filling the night's crisp air is a choir of Noctowl; their young Hoothoot hanging on every note. Not far away a Kangaskhan decides to have Pecha berries for dinner because her child enjoys the sharp, acidic taste. A tree at the edge of a clearing curls its roots around the nest of two Marowak, each diligently humming ancient melodies to their unhatched child.

A crackling fire is the sole source of light in this forest clearing, for the moon and stars had decided to rest behind a blanket of downy clouds. This night truly was stunning, and definitely worth the hardships of the day before. Two tents that had been built less than an hour earlier stood several meters apart, with nothing between them but a glowing camp fire, a weathered stone, and a pair of humans. The companions sat in silence, each focusing on their own tasks.

The older one was sitting on the fragrant grass, mixing chemicals no one present but himself understood completely. He was indifferent to the stains that would inevitably form on his khakis. He has always reasoned that cloths are made to be worn, in both senses of the word. The only exception to this logic is the slightly faded fedora he has traveled with for seasons.

The younger boy was using the stone slab like a picnic table, dicing some Figy berries he had found earlier that day. His skin was slightly darker than his companion’s, a light bronze color that more vain people would spend hours trying to achieve. Much like his t-shirt, all over his jeans were tears that had been stitched back together, except for the lower half that was protected by his tall boots.

He sprinkles the uneven cubes unto three bowls of Pokémon food, being very careful to leave the one marked with a lightning bolt untouched. Having finished his assigned work, he turns to his traveling companion. "So Kind, what are your plans for tomorrow? I've kinda been aimlessly following you these last few days," he said with a soft chuckle. He knew not to expect an answer anytime soon, giving him plenty of time to be captivated by the night sky.

During the following silence, two creatures slowly strolled out of the quiet trees. Both had four legs and were talking, but that is where the similarities stopped. One was carefully balanced on just his hind legs, his front paws being used to carry a bundle of dry branches. The dark-blue coat that covered his back blended in with the fading evening light quite well, unlike the cream fur on his underbelly that formed a clear silhouette. Even easier to spot was his grumbling counterpart, who’s curly fleece of olive colored wool stood out like a lighthouse due to the sparks constantly jumping between the fibers. As they neared the campfire, the gem on her tail reflected the light in all directions, scattering the darkness.

As they approached the humans, the Mareep spoke through teeth gritted around the metal handle of a tin bucket. “<I still don’t see why you had to come too. I could have gotten everything just fine on my own.>”

“<Oh really?>” the Quilava responded with a raised brow. “<And just how were you planning on doing that when you can barely handle that bucket.>”

“<Please! This old thing could have been filled with rocks and I’ld still carry it for days.>”

“<I was talking more about how you would actually grab it, unless you have another mouth or a pair of paws hidden somewhere.>”

“<Well… I’ll just put the wood on top of the bucket, and carry it all at once.>”

“<And what is your plan for once the water in that bucket makes the firewood useless?>”

The Mareep rolled her eyes. “<Shootaf, you’re a freaking Fire-Type! What’s the point of keeping one of you around if you can’t dry out a few sticks on command?>”

Said Fire-Type took a deep breath and send the air through his back vents to cool off. Don’t let her get to you. She is just some random Mareep you are traveling with for a short leg of a long journey. You’ll go your separate ways soon enough and then never see her again. Just got to withstand her for another few weeks. The Quilava inhaled more of the sweet air. It may not even be her fault she is so annoying. She has only had a proper trainer for a couple of days after all. Rather than looking forward to when she’ll be gone, I should focus on setting a good example for her. “<Please bring that water to Master. The sooner he can finish preparing the human food, the sooner Nory will let us eat.>”

“<First smart thing you said all day,>” replied the Mareep.

She proceeded to walk over to older human and place the bucket next to him. “<Here you go, Kind.>” The human only acknowledged her with a short ‘Thank you’, not even bothering to look up from his work. After giving a snort at the human’s perceived rudeness, she walked over to her trainer to keep an eye on her well-earned dinner. Nory started to rub her rubbery skin affectionately, being careful to not run his fingers through the charged wool. His only other Pokémon was… somewhere nearby? He did not worry about her too much. She always comes back.

Meanwhile, Shootaf had used the new fuel to rebuild the ramp-like structure that the campfire had mostly burned away. It was not too difficult since his fireproof coat protected him from the heat, letting him rearrange the already burning branches with his bare paws. By the time he was done, Kind was ready to finally answer Nory’s question.

"I caught a Starly today and I would like to catch a Sandshrew before leaving this area. At most, we are 2 days travel until we get to the next city, so I would prefer to catch one tomorrow." Kind enunciated every word precisely, never slurring or running through a syllable. “I have rehydrated the M.R.E.s"

"What?" Nory said with a tilt of his head.

"Our dinner is ready.”

Nory set the lightning-marked bowl down next to his tent. The other 3 bowls he put in a nice grassy spot about 2 meters away from the fire.

Kind then pulled a Pokéball off of his belt. "Chol, it is time for dinner." There was a flash of light, and then a small Larvitar was sitting at Kind's feet, with the biggest smile across his face. The child took a quick look around before rushing over to the nearest bowl, which by pure chance was the one he was supposed to eat from.

Shootaf ate his meal slowly, so as to savor the treat of added berries. Then he laid down by the fire, letting the flames just barely lick his fur until he felt like he had been wrapped in a blanket.

On the other hand, Chol had apparently decided that he wanted to practice being a Tyranitar. In only 2 minutes he successfully inhaled three quarters of his food. The rest was smeared across his face. Kind immediately got up and refilled Chol's bowl. Only after this did he put a serving of chicken parmesan on his plate and started enjoying his 15 month old delicacy.

Chol eats slower this time, finishing after only 5 minutes. Without any hesitation he runs over and attaches himself to his trainer's right leg. "<I love you Master!>" Chol suddenly exclaims as he began nuzzling his messy face on Kind's pants. "<I love food and I love you. Food and you, you and food. But not you as food! That's just silly! Master's food is the best food! Best in the world! I love Master's food, Master, and food. But not Master’s human food! Human food is only for humans. Humans like Master. I love Master!>"

Kind takes a deep breath and forces his muscles to relax. "Hey there Chol. It is nice to see you," Kind says as he starts to scratch the back of Chol's neck. "Could you, err... give me a minute to eat?" Kind starts gently pushing on the Larvitar, but not nearly strong enough to break the bear hug that was slightly cutting off his foot's circulation. "If you give me a minute, then we can play after I eat."

"<I love Master!>"

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Kind surrenders, letting Chol nuzzle his leg while he eats. Why do we have to do this every meal?

Nory was eating in relative silence near his tent, slowly petting his Mareep as she calmly ate from her personalized bowl. Her wool acted enough like a campfire to keep him warm as long as he stayed close enough. Slowly, a thought creeped into his mind. "Where's the Starly? You said you caught it and you definitely don't have six Pokémon on you, so what gives?"

Kind stopped cutting into his food and sat motionless. After Shootaf helped me catch that Starly today, I picked her up in order to treat her wounds with a Potion. I was able to comfortably do so with one hand; I can comfortably pick up a baby up with 2 hands. Therefore, I will make the rough estimate that she weighs half as much as a baby. Using my Pokédex, I found that female Starly have an average weight of 1.8 kg with a standard deviation of 0.3 kg. I remembered that the most recent issue of Pokémon in Pediatric Medicine includes the article Effect of Exposure to Small-Water Type Pokémon on Human Birth Weight. Using data provided by that article as a reference, I learned that the average weight of a female human at 2 months old is 4.9 kg with a standard deviation of 0.6 kg. 4.9 kg / 2 = 2.45 kg. That puts this Starly well into the 90th percentile. Therefore, she must have a fat reserve significant enough to last for several days. Taking into account a Pokéballs ability to slow the Pokémon's metabolism, albeit at a difficult to predict rate, and the tendency of wild organisms to space meals apart by days through increased meal size, this Starly should not be in need of food until sunrise. It is unlikely that she has already spent an abnormally large amount of days without food because her battling abilities did not appear to be compromised in any way.

"I do not think she is hungry," Kind said after a minute.

"You sure? That little fella may have not had a decent meal for days."

"Yes."

Nory supposed Kind would know more about the proper feeding habits of Pokémon than himself. He honestly doubted his actions when taking care of his own Pokémon, being more used to working on a farm than traveling. He wondered if his Mareep was gaining weight due to negligent feeding, but he could not be certain due to her thick coat of wool.

His only other Pokémon was easier to take care of, that is to say, he really didn't. Nory's Seviper was certainly loyal, but she hasn't really grown out of being a wild Pokémon. If being honest, the snake Pokémon's self-sufficiency was welcome, except for when she would scamper off during important times. I should probably get her back in the ball soon. It can be a pain to find her in the mornings.

Fortunately, Nory’s train of thought was abruptly stopped by a Seviper coming out of the woods with a look saying that Kind has one less Sandshrew to worry about. "There you are Lil' Sev!" Lil' Sev turned to Nory, glaring. Nory could not hold eye contact like that for long. He looked over to see Kind hunched over Chol, whose youthful laughter filled the entire clearing. At least Kind isn't the one being creepy for once. I don’t think I have actually seen him playing with his Pokémon before.

"Sit still."

"<I can't! It tickles too much!>" What Nory interpreted as a game was actually Kind attempting to clean the food stains off of his immature Pokémon. Unfortunately for him, the steel wool he owned makes Chol twist and giggle with glee. The result was an accidental wrestling matches that Shootaf found equal parts amusing and annoying.

"<Hey Chol, you do realize that if you keep this up he will trade in that steel wool for soap and water.>"

"<Don't joke about that!>" Chol shouted, suddenly sitting up and stared at the surprised Quilava very seriously. "<You know touching water makes me feel sick.>" Chol looked down as his voice dropped.

"<S-sorry. I was just kidding around.>"

"All done! See how everything goes smoother when you calm down." Kind stood up and took a step back to admire his work. "Only a month old and you are already learning such an important lesson. As a reward for sitting still, how about I let you sleep outside your Pokéball tonight."

Barely a moment after hearing the words, Chol became more ecstatic than a 10 year old who got a Gyarados for his birthday. The juvenile began a rather odd dance that involved running in random direction, jumping with a twirl, and attempts to do a somersault that ended hilariously.

Speaking to Nory, Kind said, "We should retire."

"Er yeah, good thinking. Have a good night." Nory sent his Pokémon back to their Pokéballs and put his utensils in the tin bucket that was serving as his mess kit. He then crawled into his tent and removed his vest, boots and gloves. Knowing how dirty his knee-high boots were, Nory put them just outside his tent before he zipped it shut. He then tossed the rest of his close in a pile and into his sleeping bag alongside his Pokéballs, with only his bunched up vest serving as a pillow.

All of this was pretty standard for anyone with experience camping, but what happened next was particularly odd. Nory’s sleeping bag was able to be zipped all the way closed, a feature not uncommon among serious cold-weather bags. Even though it was unusual for nights in the Tychone Region to dip below around 20oC year-round, Nory always closed his bag completely, leaving so little room for the hot air to flow it caused a faint feeling of suffocation. Had anyone questioned this behavior, although not a soul in the vicinity would, he would shrug off the oddness as just a habit. In truth, it gave Nory a sense of security to know that he was unexposed. What he is concerned about attacking him is unknown to even himself, and ultimately irrelevant. It was the fact that he was protected that mattered.

While this was going on, Kind was putting away his dishes, collecting the trash, and placing the Pokémon’s bowls in an oversized plastic container. After returning Shootaf, he turned to his tent to be was greeted by the sight of a hyperactive Larvitar trying to open their tent's zipper from the wrong side. Better get over there before he rips it. Again. As soon as Kind opens the zipper, Chol barreled in, almost pushing Kind over in the process. Kind wore a small smile as nice memory of the last time this happened surfaced.

Kind entered and saw a lump in his sleeping bag. After a quick change of clothes, the tired trainer crawled in. He settled down into a comfortable position and then reached deep inside in order to pull the small ball of living stone toward the crook of his left arm.

Master is so warm and soft. He even used magic to make his scent change into flowers. Chol takes a deep breath and lets the unique aroma relax every part of his being. The small child snuggles closer toward Kind and unconsciously mutters a simple phrase that came directly from his heart. "<Master, you're the best.>"


Written by Kindoflame of Serebii and NGamerS of AO3
 
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Kindoflame

Active Member
Chapter 2: A Not So Typical Morning

....Shootaf made his den inside of this specific spot facing because the sunrises and sunsets look like framed paintings when seen through the the colorless and chalky cave's mouth . Today's exhibit was an Impressionist's attempt to manufacture a multifaceted landscape using as little paint as possible. Watercolor was the paint used, as it allowed the radiant reds of the sunlit clouds to sharply contrast with the grand greens of the grass, both of which ran into the cyan sea seamlessly. The result was the perfect complement to Van Gogh's Starry Night. Shootaf knew none of this, yet only one thought was running through his mind. Whoa.

....After many minutes were spent staring at the magnificent spectible before him, Shootaf decided it was time for his daily run, Shootaf locked his hind legs and bent his back downward as far as he could. The dried grasses and leaves that lined his bed crunched at the same time that his back cracked. Ahh. That felt nice. Nothing is quite as satisfying as cracking your joints after a good night's sleep.

.... Shootaf walked out of his humble den and into the sun's heat. "I think that I will give the Urban Course a try today." He tightened his muscles for a brief moment in order to ignite his flames, and then started running across the mountion ledges that surrond his den. The loose rocks and sheer cliffs did not hinder the Volcano Pokémon in the least. Once the ground leveled out, Shootaf broke into a full sprint.

.... It only took 5 minutes for Shootaf to reach a colossal chasm and the best part of this course. He kept running at full speed until he was only a meter away from the edge. Then he made a short jump, using the time in the air to move his hind legs directly under his center. When he felt the edge of the cliff dig into his paws like a knife, he released the tension he had stored in his compressed spine, causing his whole body to spring forward.

.... During his fall, he stretched his whole body out. His legs slightly ached from being pulled so far apart. When the concrete hit his front paws like a Dynamic Punch, Shootaf performed a perfectly coordinated roll, spinning head over paws several times without ever completely losing control. When enough of the excess momentum was disipated, he used what was left to transition into a dash at his top speed.

.... This also marked the beginning of what he called the Urban Area. In front of him stood huge human structures that rose between 50 to 100 meters off the ground. At least, Shootaf assumed there was ground down there. Whenever he looked, the only thing he could see was a murky mist thick enough to block even the most potent Lanturn's light. Although the city was big enough to put Goldenrod City to shame, it was completely quiet. Niether the mist nor the silence bothered Shootaf in the least as he ran across the rooftops like some kind of adolescent transformed assassin Wartortle. This place felt to him like this was his own private city, in his own private world. And he was right.

.... After acting out Canabalt for half an hour, Shootaf reached the end of the course. He jumped off the edge of the roof he was on, even though there was no building ahead to jump to. Instead he landed on the gentle grass of the meadow he saw the sun rise over this morning. In the center of this clearing was a rather ordinary looking rock. It was shaped like a slightly flattened ball, barely tall enough to be seen over the wild grasses and colored with the dullest gray Shootaf could imagine. It was his favorite place.

.... The young Quilava walked up onto his rock and lay down. The sun warmed his back just as much as his rock warmed his belly. I wonder what is going on out in the world right now. He blinked. A shimmering hole in space appeared before him. In it he had a worm’s-eye view of Chol sleeping on Kind’s chest, effectively trapping the trainer under his surprisingly heavy but unsurprisingly cute Larvitar.

.... “<Hahaha! You're such a kid, Chol. Oversleeping in the first chance you get. Probably didn’t realize Master would be too polite to wake you. Better get out there and save Master before the whole morning slips away.>”

.... Shootaf jumped through the hole and landed right next to Kind’s sleeping bag. “Shootaf,” Kind whispered, “my belt, please?” Before Kind even started the request Shootaf had picked up the belt of Pokéballs to carrying it over. Careful to stay quiet, Kind snapped off Chol’s Pokéball and tapped the toddler with it. “Better go apologize to Nory for not helping with breakfast.”

.... “<I would not worry about it too much. Nory does not seems like the type to hold a grudge.>”

.... They both exited the tent to find neither Nory nor his Pokémon anywhere in sight. Kind walked up to the large stone they were using for a table to find a tall tuburware box, a charred bag made of tin foil, and a note.

.... ‘Pokémon food in box and eggs in bag. I made breakfast, so you clean it. Be back by 10:00. -Nory’

.... “We are on cleaning duty after breakfast,” Kind announced. The box contained standard Pokémon food that was slightly seasoned and the tin foil bag was obviously used to both cook and serve the scrambled eggs. Neither was particularly enjoyable, nor did anyone expect them to be. Nory may be a competent cook, but when camping speed is more important than flavor in the mornings.

.... After eating, Kind started taking down the tents in the exact order the instruction book recommended. All Shootaf could do in the meantime was scatter the rocks that made up the fire pit. Everything was going smoothly until Shootaf suddenly stopped. I'm sure I heard something. After a second, he heard it again. Without any hesitation, Shootaf charged into the undergrowth.

.... "Shootaf!" Kind yelled with concern as he took off after his determined Pokemon. “Where are you going?”

.... "<Sorry Master, but there is no time to lose. We have to get there quickly.>" Shootaf called back as he sped ahead of Kind. The cries of pain that were just on the edge of Shootaf’s hearing before were now becoming louder. Shootaf was convinced that this was not just because he was getting closer. Whatever was causing that Pokémon so much pain was getting progressively more pitiless.

.... Shootaf used his Quick Attack to make the last leg of the trip faster, and so he could burst onto the scene ready to attack. When he did burst out of the bushes, he had only a split second to take in the two figures before him. The closest one was lying on the ground. He was about the size of a human cub just learning to walk, except his body and limbs were rounder. He was covered in a pale-yellow shell, almost same shade as sandstone. There were many linear cracks that ran along this shell, forming a repeating pattern of rectangles. However, there were also many jagged cracks that stood out against this pattern like a sore thumb. The latter were obviously the work of whatever wounded this weakened pup. Shootaf could not actually notice all of this in the hurried glimpse he took of the scene, but he could infer it fairly confidently. After all, when you spend 2 months doing nothing but hunting down the most common Pokémon in the Tychone Region, you get pretty good at recognizing a Sandshrew when you see one.

.... While the victim was about half Shootaf’s height, the attacker was double it. The only other detail Shootaf could make out before pounding his shoulder into their stomach was that they were a very light green in color. Shootaf was pretty sure he could handle what was probably a Plant Type, so followed through with the Quick Attack he used to get here. The blow was delivered directly to the their belly, at exactly the angle Kind taught him. The attacker stumbled backwards a few steps before dropping to its knees. Shootaf scored a critical hit, in that by starting a fight with knocking the wind out of the opponent is a critical part of Kind’s battling strategy.

.... "<Back off you ill-raised jerk! This little one couldn't have done anything to deserve such a harsh beating... Oh Arceus, you have got to be kidding me.>"

.... Now that the attacker was desperately gasping for air, Shootaf could take in the scene around him in detail. The attacker was literally covered head to toe in armor and armed to the teeth. The majority of her body was protected by flawless, tough carapace, with only a few vulnerable joints having a fleshy, tan covering. Her head and thighs sprouted spikes so sharp that if you tried to strike either of those weak points you could end up stabbing your own hand. Even the 4 wings on her back boasted some plating.

....In truth though, it is the offensive department that this Pokemon shined. The 2 fangs that overlapped her bottom jaw were sharp enough to wreak wood with ease and her talons could shred a sheet of steel like butter. Combine all of this with the unmatched speed and mobility provided by her wings, and you have a formidable fighter. All of that is not even considering her true primary weapon, the reason so many of her kind are feared, the true pride of every Scyther; the arm-blades. This Scyther’s arm-blades were a little under half a meter in length and a quarter of that at its widest part, with not a single nick or crack to be seen on the razer-thin edge. Truly, they were a weapon to be respected, if not feared.

.... However, Shootaf was not too concerned about this Scyther. For one thing, this Scyther was currently kneeling before him trying her hardest to remember how to breathe. Even if she was fighting-fit, he was a Fire-Type with a year of battling experience. There was no doubt in his mind that he could beat such a frail Bug-Type. Besides all of that, Shootaf still had an ace in the hole; Kind. If he could hold out for a minute, at most, then Kind would get here and battle with him. To put it simply, this Scyther did not scare Shootaf.

.... The 20 or so Scyther standing behind their swarm-mate were a seperate story all together.

....I just interfered in a Scyther’s battle. With a cheap shot. Then insulted her. And her parents. In front of their entire swarm. Well, I’ve lived a good life. My only real regret is ever sneaking some of those bitter almond candies from Kind. Those things seriously tasted horrible.

.... After a tense moment passed were no one moved, a senior Scyther calmly stepped forward from the swarm. His most impressive feature was his size, rising at least 30 centimeters above anyone else in the clearing. Although his blades had grayed with age and his carapace was riddled with cracks, he displayed no fear as he neared the Fire-Type. Shootaf turned up his heat, trying to ward the imposing figure back until Kind could catch up to him. The warrior did stop approaching, leaving about 10 meters between them. However, it was clear by his tranquil demeanor that this was more out of respect for Shootaf’s bravery than for any fear on his part.

.... "<I am King Jara Hamee. This thief,>” King Jara paused to spit with disgust for having to foul his mouth with such a word. “<-has stolen from my people many times. Before I was merciful, but she has refused to learn her lesson. Now stand aside outsider, for justice shall be delivered!>"

.... “<Look at her! She’s half starved and you all look fat as Miltank. Where is the justice in that.>”

.... “<She should have starved with honor rather than resort to such a detestable practice!>” King Jara took a breath to recompose himself. “<This is your last warning. Stand aside.>” Shootaf spread his front legs and lowered his torso, taking a defensive battle stance. “<Very well then.>”

.... The towering Scyther took in a breath and held both blades ahead of him, their tips barely crossing. As he exhaled he slid his left foot backward. In the same motion he brought his left arm behind him. His arms now formed a line that pointed straight at the Quilava, who was breathing heavily even though no attacks been thrown yet. King Jara began to lean forward, shifting his bodyweight onto his right foot.

.... “Shootaf! Roll left, now!” Acting on instincts drilled into him by hours of practice, Shootaf did exactly that. By the time he consciously recognized that Kind was here to help, a dull-green blur flew past his right side and a pain raced across his flank. Shootaf landed on his back and tumbled across the grass. He had been hit by the Slash attack and fainted halfway through the roll. Without missing a beat, King Jara swiftly flew between his swarm and this human.

.... Kind ran out of the forest, no longer caring about the thorny branches that clung to his cloths. He kneeled beside and hugged his bleeding partner. “Thank you, now return." Then he walked in front of the Sandshrew, spread his arms wide, and in a firm voice proclaimed, "I do not know what is going on, but I know this; my Pokemon tried to protect this Sandshrew. That is enough for me. I volunteer for the Shandshrew’s punishment. Any harm you wish to inflict on them, you may instead inflict on me, as long as you promise that they will leave here safely."

.... Everyone looked at this human in shock. Only a few understood the words, but everyone understood the meaning. King Jara Hamee was the first to recover. "<That is very noble of you human. Let us see if your words have any substance.>"

Written by Kindoflame of Serebii and NGamerS of AO3
 
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Kindoflame

Active Member
Chapter 3: Earlier that Same Morning

... Early the next morning, Nory drew a sudden and sharp breath as his phone’s alarm snapped him out of a strange dream involving a slip-and-slide, some skinny Shinx, and a sun-sized softball, or was it a softball-sized sun? Nory dropped the question and burst out of his sleeping bag, excited about the next step he planned for his adventure. However he had a few things to take care.

...The first chore he did was changing clothes for the first time in an undisclosed amount of time. Next on his To-Do List was rolling up his sleeping bag and strapping it to his backpack. He put on his belt and double-checked that both of his Pokéballs where attached before exiting the tent with a yawn.

...Nory took notice of the sun. It had risen enough to just barely leave a band of pale-blue sky beneath it. So it’s about 6:30 and Kind isn't up yet. Weird. Maybe he stayed up late with his Pokemon and got really tired or something. Nory shrugged and started working on breakfast.

...He started by retrieving a roll of aluminum foil, his mess kit, and half a dozen chicken eggs. The latter came from a cooler on wheels Kind kept with him. Using the only bit of origami he knows, Nory folded a sheet of the aluminum foil into a sturdy bag. He then cracked all of the eggs inside and mixed them with a fork. After they were completely scrambled, he took a Pokéball off of his belt. “Hey Mareep, can you come out here for a minute.”

...When Mareep materialized she was rubbing her eyes. Being new to living in a Pokéball, she had not yet realized that there was no sleep to rub out. “<Yeah, what is it?>” she asked before yawning. “<I thought only you humans got to eat breakfast?>”

...“I need you to zap this for me,” Nory said as he held out the bag of raw eggs expectantly.

...Just by the smell alone Mareep could tell what was in the bag. She stared Nory straight in the eye and said in an unamused tone, “<Do I look like a human’s hot-box* to you? I came along so I could have some good brawls, not to be your substitute chef!>”

...A couple of seconds passed with neither one breaking eye contact. “Please, this is Kind’s and I’s breakfast. We can’t expect us to get going on empty bellies.” Another few seconds ticked by. “Alright, think of it as extra training. Get a current flowing for as long as possible without stopping to rest.”

...Mareep broke eye contact with a deep sigh. Then she rudely snatched the bag from Nory while grumbling to herself despite her mouth being full. She walked a little distance away so no one would accidentally bump into her and get a shock. Mareep closed her eyes and concentrated on the movement of energy through her body, especially what was flowing thought her tail. Almost immediately, the gem at the end of her tail started to faintly glow and sparks jumped across the many wriggles in the aluminum bag. Mareep kept this up for about 3 minutes, only stopping once or twice when she lost her concentration.

...“Alright Mareep,” Nory said as he walked over wearing a pair of leather gloves. “I think that should be enough.” He then gently took the bag out of Mareep’s mouth. Without saying another word, Mareep lazily pressed her nose against Nory’s hip and disappeared in a flash of red light.

...Nory spilled less than half of the unseasoned eggs onto the plate his mess-kit provided and ate them all within a minute of sitting down. He was a man with a mission. There was a lake about 5 minutes off of the road known for having a ludicrously large population of aquatic life. Most of it was just boring fish, but it did have the ever uncommon Pokemon swimming around, and Nory was nothing if not prepared.

... His fishing-rod of choice was made of hardened steel that did not have a spot of rust anywhere. It may have been a hand-me-down he got on his 10th birthday, but unlike some people, his family knew how to care for their tools. That was why Nory particularly disliked the tackle-box he got off of some jerk on the Internet. It was much more beat-up, with a latch that never failed to stick and a large crack running across the side.

..."Mareep's not right for what I'm trying to get," he said to himself. "Are you ready? Oh yeah, gotta let her out first." He chuckled and let Lil' Sev out of her ball.

...The Fang Snake Pokemon glared at Nory for a moment. "<Good morning,>" she said cheerfully, trying to put on a happy facade in spite of waking up hours before she normally did when wild.

...“Guess what Sev. We’re going get a new teammate today.”

...“<Really?>” she asked eagerly.

...”They are going to be a Water-Type. Someone who can take care of all of the Ground-Types that would give you and Mareep trouble.”

...“<Sounds like a plan!>” Of course, Nory had no idea what Lil’ Sev was saying, and just guessed based off of her tone and body language that she understood him and was happy about the idea.

...“Pokéballs, lures, bait.” Nory was doing a final check of his tackle-box to make sure he was all set. His brother still would not let him live down the time he accidentally took pluming equipment fishing. “Sev, am I forgetting something?" In response, she slithered into the tent and came out holding a pair of swim trunks and goggles in her mouth. "I guess? I wasn't gonna really go that far just for a Water-Type. Sevvy, do you just want to see me shirtless?"

..."<You disgust me>" Nory was not sure what Lil’ Sev said that time, but he was pretty sure that his laughter was an acceptable response.

... Nory walked over to the shoreline and was about to cast off when he felt Lil’ Sev give a friendly head-butt to his back. “Huh, what’s up Sev.” Knowing talking would be useless, she pointed with her tail to something farther down the shore. Nory had to squint to make the general shape of a dock roughly 200 meters away. “Good eye.” It took them awhile to make it to the dock, but it was definitely worth it. Nory took a seat on the hot metal and cast his lure lakeward. “Now for the worst part of fishing.” His Seviper friend tilted her head to the side, a gesture she picked up from living near humans while growing up. “The waiting. You may want to get comfortable.” Lil’ Sev coiled up behind him and covered her eyes with her tail. “Just don’t fall asleep or nothin’. It would stink if a Kabutops got away ‘cause we were unprepared.”

... Fortunately, it only took a couple of minutes for the first bite. With surprising strength given his small size, Nory reeled in the lure and yanked his catch straight out of the water and onto the docks. The look of triumph on his face melted away when he saw that all he managed to catch was a trout. It wasn't even that big either. Nory lifted it up by the tail despite its desperate attempts to flop back into the water. “Yeah Sev, want a treat?” Lil’ Sev immediately poked her head up and eyed the trout hungrily. “Catch.” He tossed the fish in the Seviper’s general direction. She responded by springing herself through the air and delivered a fatal bite to her prey, her ferocious fangs easily piercing the trout’s meager scales. She then tilted her head back and swallowed her snack whole, which made Nory slightly shudder.

... Three more times Nory got bites and three more times he got stinking trout. At this point he was worried he might over-feed Lil’ Sev, although he doubt she would complain. Just when he considered packing it in for the day, he felt one last tug on his rod. “Sev! Get up. I got a big one!” Unlike before, Nory had extreme difficulty reeling this catch in. Lil’ Sev waited nervously by her Trainer’s side, silently cursing her inability to help pull.

... “I think the line’s gonna snap.” The lure had gotten beside the dock, but Nory still could not muster enough strength to pull it out of the water. “Come on. So close.” Suddenly, the line snapped, sending Nory sprawling backwards. Acting without any orders, Lil’ Sev dove in with a brutal Bite attack at the ready.

... “Sev!” Nory throw his rod down without a second thought. He reached down into the water trying to save his friend from drowning. Oh no. She has no legs. She can’t swim. Oh G-d, oh G-d, oh G-d. The water was so saturated with sediment and kelp that Nory could not see a thing. As suddenly and violently as Lil’ Sev went in, she burst out of the water quite a bit farther down the dock. She was not the only one to come up though.

... Across from her lay what look little more than a turquoise tube. He had one large dorsal fin and smaller two ventral fins, all with black dots. In addition, a symbol resembling a black lightning bolt ran down either side of his body. Protruding from his face was something that can only be called whiskers, some of which were longer than he was tall. The shorter ones extended downward enough that the Pokémon could stay upright even on land.

... “<Whale hello there,>” the Barboach called out to Lil’ Sev. “Name’s Bubbly. That hit you got on me was so strong I was certain you were a sir-pent. You know, like sir as in boy, but you're a snake.>”

... The Seviper licked her eyes, which is equivalent to a human rolling their eyes “<Uhh… What will it take to make you never say that again?>”

... “<How a-boat you let me get away with that free meal?>”

... “<Oh no! You know The Rules. You eat the bait; we get a fight. >”

... “<Woah, you sure have an aggressive poison-ality. You need to coil down or you’ll though a hissy fit like a->” The Seviper desperately dove at Bubbly in an attempt to end the onslaught of pathetic puns. However, he pushed off the dock and speedily slid out of reach on the slime that coated his body.

... Nory arrived just as both Pokémon returned to their fighting stances. “Good work Sev, but if you ever do that again I will tie you to a leash and lead you around like a Growlithe.” Lil Sev looked back at Nory in horror, which gave Bubbly the perfect opening. He spat a Mud Bomb out of its mouth at high velocity. The ball of dense mud struck Lil’ Sev in the upper chest before she even had time to turn back around.

... “Cheap shot! Sev use Bite!” There was too much distance between the two Pokémon for Lil’ Sev to reach Bubbly in one lunge. She had to launch herself forward once and then compress herself like a spring in mid-air so she could immediately get within striking distance. She barely had enough time to channel energy into her fangs to properly use the move.

... However, the delay was sufficient that Bubbly could prepare by using an old family trick; Endure. When the Bite attack hit, the simple shield Barboach formed around his body dissipated the energy stored the fangs. Only the pressure from the clutching jaws hurt him. Even so, Sev’s fangs could not pierce the stony scales, preventing her from getting a solid grasp on her target.

... All Bubbly had to do was wiggle a bit before he slipped out of his attacker’s mouth and bounced off the unforgiving metal of the dock. He took advantage of his bounce however, angled it so he flew behind his bewildered opponent. While in mid-air, he turned around and fired a Water Gun at near point-blank range. Once again, the barely bruised Barboach blindsided Lil’s Sev with a big blast.

... She was blown across the dock, almost falling over the ledge and back into the lake. “Come on Sev!” Nory cheered. “I know you can beat this guy. Just get back on your feet and try again!” Nory paused for a moment thinking about what he just said.

... Fortunately, Bubbly chose to not take advantage of his opposition’s distraction and instead burst into laughter. “<Oh man, that was a good one! I finally found someone with my sense of humor. If only this battle was going to end differently...>”

... The Seviper picked herself back up and threateningly hissed at her foe. “<Hey! It’s not over yet. We can still pull this around.>”

... “<Please. You haven’t landed a solid blow on me and we both know one more attack like the last two will take you out. My victory is a shore thing.>”

... “<Maybe you will beat me. Maybe I will beat you. Who knows? What I do know is that my friend could take you down even if you were at full strength.>” Lil’ Sev started slithering back over to Nory’s side.

... All of the joy immediately dropped out of Bubbly’s voice. “<You can’t do that. Two on one is against The Rules.>”

... “<Of course, of course. I would never force you to fight me and then Mareep. I was just saying that she could mop this dock with your face so well that it would shiny like crystal.>”

... “<An Electric-Type! That’s your secret weapon! I could totally take you both on at the same time, never-mind one after the other.>”

... “<Oh really?>” Lil’ Sev flicked her tongue over an eye.

... “<Really.>”

... “<Well, humans have an interesting expression that I think you will find funny.>” By this time Lil’ Sev was by Nory’s side, which confused him since battling Pokémon usually stand ahead of the trainers so a stray shot would not hit them.

... “<Well then,>” Bubbly said with overwhelming confidence. “<As the humans say, lay it on me.>”

... “<You may talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?>” With speed Nory had never seen before, Lil’ Sev used her tail-blade to knock Mareep’s Pokéball into the battlefield.

... The newest and youngest member of the team materialized. She was extremely eager to face her first Ground-Type opponent. It was also her first battle since joining the team outside of training. She had everything worked out. She would stare the enemy down. Once they are scared, she’ll call out her challenge, ‘Get ready, cause the real fun starts now!’ Then she will strike a cool pose and snort like a Tauros about to charge.

... Unfortunately, Mareep was a little too eager and materialized while the Pokéball was still high off the ground. She promptly fell on her right shoulder and twice tumbled over. She did at least get to call out a challenge. “<Get ready, cau-, whoooaaahh!>”

... Bubbly broke down into fits of laughter. Neither Nory nor Mareep were as amused. Lil’ Sev just licked her other eye.

... “Are you okay?” Nory asked as he kneeled beside his Pokémon.

... Mareep stood up and pushed him back toward his position. “<Just shut up and call out an attack.>”

... Nory recalled Lil’ Sev and waited a moment for the Barboach to calm down before continuing the battle. “Mareep, use Take Down.”

... “<Ewe have got to be kidding me!>” Bubbly casually spat another Mud Bomb toward the charging Electric-Type and scored a direct hit on her head. “<Who wool have thought that a mere Mareep would lose to a Ground-Type this baaadly.>” The smile across Bubbly’s face disappeared once he realized Mareep powered through his attack without even slightly slowing. “<Oh Lugia.>”

... The mulish Mareep’s malicious move landed with a resounding CRACK. Bubbly’s vision was filled with white holes and his hearing was overwhelmed by shock-waves reverberating through his lateral lines. He slowly picked himself up trying to ignore the pain. I can’t just flounder around while a battle's going on. He blinked until he could make out what was happening, a decision he immediately regretted.

... Before him the ‘mere’ Mareep has balanced on her hind legs, raising her massively muscular head and neck a full meter about him. She struck with such skill and strength that the metal dock buckled beneath her humbled prey. “<Pitiful.>” She walked back to Nory, confident that her job was done.

... Nory was unable to believe that among all of the meek members of his family’s flock was a warrior. “Oh, yeah. Go Pokéball,” he said, still in shock. The Barboach did not even struggle when he was absorbed by the Pokéball. Nory picked the ball up and stared at it, a grin spreading across his face! “Oh yeah! I caught my first wild Pokémon! We did it. We really did it. I’m a real Pokémon trainer with a real team!”

... Mareep did not feel like joining her trainer in his celebrations. Instead she picked up the rod Nory left at the end of the dock and brought it over to him. “<Can we go now?>” she mumbled through her filled mouth.

...Nory packed all of his fishing gear up and made his way back to the campsite, ecstatic that he finally caught a Water-Type Pokemon. He could not wait to show Kind the newest addition to his team. The thought immediately left his mind once he got back to the campsite though.

...What he was expecting to see was the tents were completely dismantled and put away, the fire-pit was safely deconstructed, all trash in the area cleaned up, and both his and Kind's packs were full of their owner's supplies. Kind was just the kind of person to do. Although he did find all of these chores done, there was one extra thing that he certainly did not expect. Kind was sitting down under a tree, holding a bloody rag over his nose and smiling the biggest smile he had ever seen. "Dude! What happened to you?"

..."Let's just say that I was catching Pokemon."

..."Catching Pokemon! Looks more like throwing rocks at Mankeys! Are those cut-wounds? Do we have disinfectant?!" Nory was conflicted whether he should giving Kind a First-Aid kit, an un-bloodied cloth, or a hug. He settled on telling Mareep to stand guard, regaining his composure, and sitting across from his injured pal. "Exactly what happened?"


*Hot-box = a human device used to cook food without an open flame, such as an oven, toaster, or microwave


Written by Kindoflame of Serebii and NGamerS of AO3
 

Kindoflame

Active Member
Chapter 4

. . "<That is very noble of you human. Let us see if your words have any substance.>"

. . King Hamee rushed toward Kind, preparing an X-Scissor aimed right at the human's throat. At the very last second, the crossed blades stopped their advance. Kind didn’t even flinch, staring King Hamee in the eye throughout the ordeal. The blades press harder on the giving flesh, until they each drew a single drop of blood. After a moment, King Hamee lowered his arms. Kind was careful to hide his sigh of relief.

. . "<Larva!>"

. . A short Scyther stepped forward, its carapace a much lighter shade of green. He dropped to one knee, crossed his blades behind his back, and bowed his head to the ground. "<Yes, King Father?>"

. . "<You will travel with this human as his soldier.>"

. . "<Yes, King Father,>" he said after the briefest of hesitations. Without another word, the juvenile walked toward the human, who tensed at the Pokémon’s approach. Kind was completely surprised when his 'attacker' bowed before him in a similar manner to how he bowed before, except his head was level with his knee now. Kind started working though all of the possible reasons for this strange behavior in his head.

. . After a solid 2 minutes, the young Scyther started to panic. What if he rejects me? How could I ever withstand such a humiliation? Could I even return to my father? What if he exiles me? I do not want to leave Queen Mother’s final nest*! Despite his racing heart, the Scyther did not move in the slightest. He was well disciplined and displayed no outward sign of dismay.

. . Eventually, Kind unhooked a Pokéball from his belt. Keeping his motions slow and measured, he pressed it against the Scyther's forehead. A red light enveloped and then absorbed the Pokémon. Kind stood still, staring at the Pokéball. He was shaken out of this state by a rustling from behind him.

. . He turned to find that the injured Sandshrew was trying to crawl away. Kind slowly walked to her while kneeling over and keeping his shoulders relaxed. “If you want, I can catch you. You will not be a part of my team. Instead, you will live at a laboratory that will study you. There will always be a warm bed and good food, and no predator will threaten you.” The Sandshrew nodded eagerly until a Pokéball was pressed against her side.

. . Kind stood up and turned to the swarm and its leader. “Thank you for the magnificent mercy of sparing this Sandshrew.” Kind said while he bowed in the same manner that the other wild Scyther, or rather his Scyther, bowed earlier.

. . King Hamee returned a more conservative bow, only crossing his blades behind his back and bending at the waist. “<Thank you for your willingness to take on the task of training my larva.>”

-----​

. . “…and then I walked back here and finished packing.” Nory had attentively listened to the entire story. If anyone else was telling it, he would not believe a word; but Kind had always been truthful. He actually reads the contract you sign whenever you check into a Pokémon Center because he ‘wants to make sure nothing I testify to is false’.

. . “They never even touched you?”

. . “Apart from these two marks on my neck, never.”

. . “But those cuts, and your torn cloths…”

. . “From when I was running through the thorny bushes.”

. . “Then what happen to your nose.”

. . Kind turned his head to the side and was silent for a moment. “I think that I broke it."

. . “But how! Did one of the Scyther attack you once you were away from the rest of the swarm? Was it something else?”

. . “Events happened.” Even though Kind was clearly trying to avoid answering the question, Nory would have none of that. He knew that raising the stakes a little would be all it takes to crack Kind.

. . “Maybe we should alert Officer Jenny that some Pokémon out here broke your face?”

. . “No, no. That is not necessary,” Kind responded while rubbing his neck. He kept staring to the side, hoping this would be easier to say without having to look someone in the eye. “You remember the part where the swarm’s leader and I were acting really respectful to each other? Right at the end?" Nory nodded. "Well, after that I turned to walk away and, uhh… I walked into a tree.”

PQuzalX.png


. . “WHAT! You stared down a whole swarm of angry Scyther, only to get your clock cleaned by a tree?!” Nory burst into laughter so loud that Kind could not stop himself from chuckling along.

. . Once they calmed down, Kind finished his story by adding, “I am pretty sure that the Scyther leader facepalmed.” A whole new round of laughter started up and did not end for quite a while.

. . Nory was teary eyed and coming down from his laughing fit when he remembered what he did this morning. "Oh! I finally caught a Pokémon that can beat Ground Types, like that silly Larvitar of your’s! Go Barboach!" Nory was about to let his new catch out of his ball when Kind interrupted him.

. . “Wait! You sure that’s the best idea. Letting a Barboach out of its Pokéball here.

. . "What’s wro- OH GOSH WATER FISH RIGHT!" Nory hastily returned the Pokeball to his belt with a look that made Kind chuckle. Nory’s excitement was not limited in the slightest by his blunder. "It's a Water-Ground Type! Your Larvitar takes quadruple damage from its water moves and Quilava's fire moves only deal a fourth damage!" Nory was rather proud to have memorized quite a bit of the Type Chart. He knew with that and some training (and a suitable environment) he could take on that dreaded type that made his previous team so fearful.

. . “Oh hey, I just realized that Amp can even take care of your new Flying type!” After a strange look from Kind, he added, “While I was fishing, I also was thinking of some names for my Mareep and came up with Amp. How do you feel about it Amp?”

. . "<You won't stop using that name from now on no matter what I say, will you?>" she responded without missing a beat, before going back to searching the woods for potential challengers.

. . Nory turned to Kind and asked, "Wanna brainstorm some nicknames for the new catches?"

. . “Maybe later. Right now, let's just get going. I want to reach the Pokemon Center today because of, you know." Kind gestured toward his broken nose.

. . "Wait wait wait wait. You can’t tell me you caught a Scyther and then not show it to me! That would be just cruel."

. . "Fair enough." Kind threw a Pokéball up into the air and yelled, "Scyther, standby!" After a flash of light, a proud Scyther stood before an inquisitive Nory.

. . "Cool, look at its large blades. They're like swords!"

. . "<King Master, is this one of your servants?>"

. . "<Hey!>" interjected Amp. "<Nory is no one's servant! If anything, Kind is the servant.>"

. . The Scyther turned toward the smaller Pokemon with a truly intimidating stare. In a voice so even and flat that it was almost monotone, he replied, "<You should watch your mouth. Those that tell lies tend to suffer the most.>"

. . Amp put on a brave face, but was trembling on the inside. "<Well, at least Nory knows how to dodge trees!>"

. . "Look, our Pokemon are making friends,” Kind happily remarked.

. . "Err, making friends. Yeah... That's what they are doing." Fortunately, the stand-off was broken when the group started walking toward the Pokemon Center. The two Pokémon decided to stay on opposite sides of their trainers for the whole journey. They arrived at the Center at about 7:00 PM. "Thank goodness we're here. Another hour and we would have been caught in the dark. How's your nose doing by the way?"

. .
"On one hand, the bleeding has stopped; on the other, the swelling has become worse." The human duo walked through the front door while the two Pokémon exchanged glares. "Hello Nurse Joy. Can-"

. . "Dear me, we have to get you treated right away! Chansey!" Kind barely had enough time to realize what was happening before Norse Joy and Chansey started dragging Kind toward a back room.

. . “I’ll see you in the café,” Nory called before Kind was out of earshot.


*Final nest = The last home someone had before they died. Held in reverence by Pokémon similarly to a grave site by humans.

Written by Kindoflame of Serebii and NGamerS of AO3
 
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shoz999

Back when Tigers used to smoke.
Read the first chapter, it's a decent if-not obvious introduction chapter which I suppose is intentional along with how fast it goes. One thing I've noticed is that although it appears that Quilava, Kind I believe was his name, is the main character here, you appear to be giving a lot of screen-time to Chol the Larvitar who reminds me kind of like Chikorita in some ways. I assume by that, you intend to build him up to a larger role in the future. You also got the chatty and warm Mareep and the loyal but wild Seviper. They all belong to a trainer named Nory and one thing I've notice is that you build Nory's character in this chapter through the Pokemon rather than the character itself which is always interesting. I can't really think much of criticisms except that the first chapter doesn't clearly define a goal if at all and that there were some names I got mixed up with. Also I'm not sure why the quotes earlier on have <>. I never seen that kind of detail before so I'm not sure if that's an accident or intentional although I will admit it does make the dialogue stand out more. Outside of that, good introduction chapter.
 

Kindoflame

Active Member
Getting the names mixed up is understandable. Trying to introduce 6 characters in 1 chapter is quite a challenge. Just to make things clear, there are 2 trainers. Nory has a Seviper named Lil' Sev and an unnamed Mareep. Kind has a Quilava named Shootaf and a Larvitar named Chol.

Also, when Pokemon speak, '<' and '>' are put inside the quotation marks. This way the reader can understands what the Pokemon are saying while it is clear that human characters do not. It is a lot more elegant than throwing 'they said in Poke-speak' after every other line of dialog. Doing this is actually standard in comic books for any speech that is being translated just for the reader.
 

Kindoflame

Active Member
Chapter 5: A Short Shopping Trip


.... Before going to the café, Nory stopped by the Pokémart housed inside the Pokémon Center. He had to pick some equipment for his new pal. He had about P16,900 on him, which he figured would be more than enough to get all the equipment he would need for his new pal.

.... Most importantly was an Aqua-Holder, a hollow sphere made of plastic thick enough to endure most conditions. This allowed small aquatic Pokémon to be carried outside of their Pokéballs while traveling, helping the trainers and Pokémon bond. The downside is that it had to be emptied often in order to be cleaned. With how green the developed areas of Tychone where, it can easily slip your mind that it is a desert nation. Well, so long as we're going around the Retneki Lake area, I shouldn't get too worried.

.... Nory browsed for a few more items, placing them in a small shopping basket before walking to the check-out. The clerk was a large, burly man who seemed to always be annoyed at nothing in particular. His name tag said ‘Hello, my name is Jake the Owner’.

.... “Hello sir, how are you doing,” Nory asked in an overly polite tone. The man simply crossed his arms and furrowed his brow. “Well, yeah. So I got this stuff to buy.” Nory said. The man sniffed obnoxiously. “So if you could, you know… scan them, and stuff.” The man just rolled his eyes, as if he despised his store actually having a customer.

.... Nory put the basket on the counter. The man lazily passed each item by the scanner and casually tossed them into paper bags. “Hey, could you be a little more careful.” The owner gave Nory a look that could turn milk sour. “Did I do something to offend you?”

.... “No, but you are going to.” Jake did not stop scanning the items as he talked. “I know your type. You dye your hair bright orange ‘cause you’re a unique, special snowflake. You wear heavy-duty boots and gloves so you look tough, even though you’ve never done a day of real work in your life. You cannot even be bothered to get real gloves, instead settling for those stupid fingerless things, because heaven forbid something stop you for using your phone. I get 2 dozen of you fair-weather trainers every month, half of which will come back and to repeat the same song-and-dance.

.... “You’re gonna buy a whole bunch of specialty equipment thinking that you’ll just turn that Magikarp you got from the lake into a Gyarados and then breeze through the gym circuit. But then 3 weeks will go by and you’ll get bored of hard work and decide to just quit.

.... “You’ll come in here asking for a refund for all the stuff you got off a whim; I’ll refuse because everything will be half-used or broken. You’ll threaten to leave me bad reviews all across the Internet unless I buy your stuff back; I’ll agree knowing that there is no way I could afford the loss of business. You’ll walk away thinking you’ll never have to deal with the consequences of your own decisions; I’ll be left with a new inventory of useless junk that no one will ever buy.

.... “So no, you haven’t done anything to offend me, but you’re going to.”

.... Nory was stunned into silence. He mind was running in circles trying to process everything that had just been preemptively accused of doing. Without thinking, the only coherent thought he could form slipped out of his mouth. “I caught a Barboach, not a Magikarp.”

.... “There are no Barboach in Tychrone, you lying idiot. Your total is P28,600.”

.... That was certainly enough to snap Nory out of his stupor. “WHAT! That- that’s insane! How-” The owner rolled his eyes and flashed the P24,900 price tag on the Aqua-Holder to Nory. “Oh…” Nory looked through his wallet for an extra P15,000 he knew was not there. He could feel Jake’s stare of pure contempt burning into the back of his skull. Wait!

.... “What do you do with all the broken Aqua-Holders?”

.... The store-owner cocked an eyebrow. “We keep them in the back until the end of the month. Then some people from the recycling center pick them up.”

.... “Can you show me?”

.... After a moment of hesitation, Jake shrugged. “Sure, just make it snappy.”

.... Jake lead Nory into a back room where a cardboard box was filled with cracked and chipped acrylic balls. Nory immediately started shifting through them. “How much for this one?” Nory held up an Aqua-Holder that had a large crack going half way around the equator.

.... “Why do you want that? There is no way it could hold water. It’s just trash.”

.... “Fine. How much for this trash?”

.... “Pssh… P500?”

.... “Deal!” Nory darted past Jake and headed straight to the counter. By the time Jake also got to the counter Nory had his P5,000 bill ready. While Jake was making change, Nory tried to hold his tongue. Eventually, the temptation was too much.

.... “Oh, by the way. I don’t dye my hair, I’ve always worn steel-toed boots, I’ve done hard work on my family’s ranch since I was 5, all Mareep shepherds wear fingerless gloves ‘cause rubber is irritating to their skin, and in my family, we fix broken things instead of complain to the seller.” Nory gave a little smirk as he added, “Or throw them away at the end of the month.”

.... Nory took his change and purchases and left the store, satisfied that he had set the record straight. Next stop, Shootaf.
 
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Kindoflame

Active Member
Chapter 6: The Plot Appears (Finally!)​

. . Nory quickly walked through the empty Pokécenter. He and Kind were the only trainers in at the moment, and Nurse Joy was probably off preparing dinner. Fortunately, he already had an idea for where Shootaf and the other Pokémon were. He walked out a side door and walked around to the back of the building.

. . The backyard itself was a simple rectangular field with the Pokécenter making up one of its short sides. A simple, wooden fence with large gaps between posts went around the yard. Its purpose was more to define where the Trainers’ Pokémon could play, than to form a physical barrier to them leaving. The only other noteworthy feature was a large fountain lined with white and pink brickwork that filled one corner of the yard. It was deep enough that most medium-sized Pokémon could comfortably lie in the water, with the center being a little deeper so that Water Pokémon to swim.

. . Amp the Mareep was attempting to drink from this very place, but a certain Barboach was making that difficult. He kept pestering her for conversation, giving her a little splash whenever she ignored him. Chol was doing normal little-kid things; chasing butterflies, jumping over rocks, eating dirt. That last one always made Nory a little worried no matter how many times Kind tells him that it’s fine.

. . Kind’s new Scyther was patrolling the perimeter by hopping across the fence-posts. His wings buzzed with every jump, giving him enough of a boost to skip every other fence-post. It took Nory much longer to spot Shootaf. The Fire-Type was lying on the Pokécenter’s roof, relaxing in the final rays of the sun while passively observing everyone else. As expected, Lil’ Sev was nowhere to be seen.

. . “Hey Shootaf!” The Quilava peeked his head over the side of the roof. “Come down here for a minute,” Nory yelled as he ran over to the fountain. He started rummaging through his backpack for a spare pair of socks and his mess-kit.

. . “<What could that fool want now,>” Shootaf mumbled to himself as he crawled down a drain pipe. To his surprise, when he joined Nory he found the latter’s socks floating in the water. “<Um, I think they have a wet-maker* inside you can use.>”

. . Of course, Nory ignored him and responded by laying a metal spoon on the bricks in front of Shootaf. “Do you think you could heat that up for me?” The second stage Fire-Type frowned at the question, but still blew a small flame across the spoon. “No no. I mean really hot, red hot. Really let it have it.”

. . This time Shootaf took a deep breath, ignited his burners, and bathed the whole ledge in flames. Nory jumped back to avoid singeing his cloths. A worrying hiss filled the air as water continuously evaporated as it hit the hot stone. By the time the Quilava finally ran out of breath, the bricks around the glowing spoon were giving off enough heat to distort the air. “Thanks buddy,” Nory said with an awkward smile. “That should be good enough, but stay close. I might need you to do that again.”

. . Nory pulled his socks out of the water and slipped them on his hands. Just as planned, the saturated wool was enough insulation that he could hold the spoon without burning himself. He took a seat on the fountain’s edge away from the roasted stones. Nory took a deep breath.

. . Nory delicately rested the curved side of the spoon directly on one end of the Aqua-Holder’s crack. After a tense minute of waiting, he nudged the spoon slightly. Nory almost jumped in the air in celebration at what he felt. Under the spoon was a thin layer of melted plastic. Not much, but enough for him to work with. By dragging the spoon along the surface, Nory was able to spread the melted plastic over the crack. Unfortunately, he only managed to cover a few centimeters before the plastic had cooled.

. . With a proof of concept came a rush of inspiration. Although progress was slow, Nory’s enthusiasm did not waver. He frequently had to dunk his hand back into the fountain to keep his socks wet, which in turn cooled the spoon down significantly. After every few dips Nory had to call Shootaf over to reheat his sculpting tool. It took quite a while, but eventually, centimeter by centimeter, Nory sealed the Aqua-Holder.

. . “Good as new!” he proudly declared, holding his handiwork up with the intention to inspect it in the sunlight. That was when he realized that the sunset had already come and gone. With this knowledge came the realization that he had completely forgot to meet up with Kind in the café. Nory quickly threw his stuff into his backpack, except for the Aqua-Holder. That he submerged in the water. “Hey Barboach!” he yelled.

. . “<I’m right here you piece of chum! There’s no need to yell.>”

. . “Want to go for a little ride?” Nory asked with a smile. The words barely left his mouth before his Pokémon swam into the plastic ball. Nory quickly screwed the top on and rushed inside.

. . When he arrived at the café he found that he was all alone. There were seven tables in the room; six organized into neat rows with folding-chairs and one pressed against the wall, near the door to the kitchen. The one near the wall had a few trays, each with a different type of food, and two coolers with a tap that Nory knew from experience would contain water and lemonade. Strangely, the bowls, plates, cups, silverware and napkins were not laid on the serving table. Instead, a set of each had been neatly placed in front of each chair, like you would expect at a fancy restaurant.

. . After thinking for a moment, Nory decided to not leave and search for Kind. Kind probably left to search for him, so if he stayed in one place long enough then they were bound to run into each other. Besides, Nory had nothing to eat since breakfast.

Nory grabbed a much needed bowl of spaghetti and sat down for some quality bonding with his newest teammate. "Hiya there, little guy!"

. . "<High-a tide-re, large buoy!>"

. . I wish I could understand Pokémon "So, I thought we could try to come up with a nickname for you! Can't be Barboach forever."

. . "<I don't nau, like nautical. I have a very spacific taste, do you think you can salmon up the strength for that? Are you shore?>"

. . "Man, you are glubbing up a STORM of bubbles there. Are you giggling to yourself? Can fish giggle?... Clown fish?” Nory took a bite of his overcooked pasta coated in watery tomato sauce. “No, no. That's silly"

. . "<I think school. Is cool, s'cool, school of fish, you get it?>"

. . "You have that pattern on your side, like half of the Aquarius symbol... "

. . "<Aqua? Wavy? Scar? Stitches? Those cod be cool names.>"

. . "Buckets the Barboach!"

. . "<Hmm...Yes.>" Buckets did a small flip of approval inside the water.

. . Kind came out of the kitchen wearing an apron covered in recent stains. Strangely, the sleeves of his Oxford shirt were not rolled up to help save them from the same fate. The only sign of the afternoon’s injury was a gauge taped over his nose. “Hello Nory,” he called from across the room.

. . “Hey Kind,” Nory replied once Kind walked a little closer. “What have you been up too?”

. . “I decided to assist Nurse Joy by preparing dinner.”

. . “That explains a lot,” Nory muttered while looking at his bowl. “Oh yeah, introductions. Kind, Buckets. Buckets, Kind.”

. . Kind picked up a napkin and used it to tip his fedora.

. . “<I shore hope this doesn’t look too seally.>” Buckets did a sharp dive and returned to his original position; the best approximation of Kind’s gesture he could think of.

. . “So, how’s your nose doing?”

. . “Fortunately, I only fractured the cartilage, so the treatment was fairly minor. Nurse Joy predicts that there will not even be a scar after the injury fully heals. I am going to get dinner.” Kind walked about halfway to the kitchen before suddenly turning around and asking “Do you desire anything?"

. . “No thanks.” Nory went back to talking with his newest friend while Kind disappeared into the kitchen. He reappeared a while later holding a large mixing bowl filled with just spaghetti and four fillets of fish balanced carefully on a plate. Nory gave Kind a confused look. “I said that I wasn't hungry.”

. . "I recall. This is for me. I do not like getting up to get more food partway through my meal." Nory and Buckets stared at Kind as he ate all of his food in silence.

. . Buckets inquired, "<Do humans normally eat that much?>" Nory's expression was all of the response Buckets needed.

-----

. . An elderly Solrock, psionically encased in a personal atmosphere, arrived at the suboceanic cave to which it had been dispatched. A booming telepathic voice sounded forth from deep within the abyss. <Halt!> The Solrock stopped, and politely waited for its next instruction. <Identify yourself!>

. . Using her own telepathic powers, she firmly replied <My lord, I am Solhund the Solrock; rainbow serving, message bearing,>

. . <State the message!>

. . <My liege has identified 2 new nominations: a daughter of light servers and a guardian of knowledge.> There was a silent pause as more detailed information was communicated telepathically in a way only telepathy could.

. . <Deliver this message to your liege! 'I will assign a servant to assist in the monitoring of these youths. However, we must find more nominees. Aleph is very selective regarding matters of trust and may not be satisfied with any of the 124 nominees we have already selected.' >

. . <I will deliver your message at once, and guard its contents with my life.>

. . <You are dismissed!> The Solrock bowed deeply and backed out of the cave. After sitting in contemplation for a minute, the Legendary Pokémon turned to swim back inside, but the movement was halted by a swift tackle to the gut.

. . "<Papa! Please don't go!>" a
child desperately pleaded. Although the fledgling had so more to say, he could no longer form words through his sobbing. Seeing his progeny in such pain hurt the father more than any of his war injuries.

. . The father curled one wing around his son as he softly said, "<Do not cry my child. I was merely speaking with another. I have no intention of leaving you or your mother so soon after coming home. Now, let us go put you back to bed. You will need your rest if you intend to play with Oliver and Liwanag tomorrow.>"


*Wet-maker = device that makes things inside of it wet without a pool of water, such as a washing machine or a dishwasher
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Early Game Encounter
Heya, so it’s kinda laughably late at this point, least of all since I didn’t know we had a Review Game on this site until about half a week ago, but I’m here to review your story up to Chapter 2 to satisfy your request on it.

So let’s get right into things:

Chapter 1

The only sound filling the night's crisp air is a choir of Noctowl, their young Hoothoot hanging on every note. Not far away a Kangaskhan decides to have Pecha berries for dinner because her child enjoys the sharp, acidic taste. A tree at the edge of a clearing curls its roots around the nest of two Marowak, each diligently humming ancient melodies to their unhatched child.

A crackling fire is the sole source of light in this forest clearing, for the moon and stars had decided to rest behind a blanket of downy clouds. This night truly was stunning, and definitely worth the hardships of the day before. Two tents that had been built less than an hour earlier stood several meters apart, with nothing between them but a glowing campfire, a weathered stone, and a pair of humans. The companions sat in silence, each focusing on their own tasks.

A couple of small nitpicks here and there, one of them being that I don’t think you needed the semicolon, since the bits around both ends of it form a complete thought together. I kinda wonder if you ought to have gone a little more description-heavy on how the night was stunning and worth the apparent hardships of the past day, since something about how the night was described actually made it feel like it was a night that would be less interesting to see since there’s no moon and stars. Like what makes it so special to the narrator?

The older one was sitting on the fragrant grass, mixing chemicals no one present but himself understood completely. He was indifferent to the stains that would inevitably form on his khakis. He has always reasoning that cloths are made to be worn, in both senses of the word. The only exception to this logic is the slightly faded fedora he has traveled with for seasons.

It’s an optional thing, but I thought your second and third sentences felt a little jarring, especially the second. It might be worth thinking of ways to try and collapse them together like so.

The younger boy was using the stone slab like a picnic table, dicing some Figy berries he had found earlier that day. His skin was slightly darker than his companion’s, a light bronze color that more vain people would spend hours trying to achieve. Much like his t-shirt, all over his jeans were sported tears all over that had been stitched back together, except for the lower half that was protected by his tall boots.

Waaaaaaait, but where was this stone slab all this time? If this is the first appearance, you might want to introduce it and its relative position in the campsite a bit more. e.x. “a stone slab sitting next to the tents”

He sprinkles the uneven cubes into three bowls of Pokémon food, being very careful to leave the one marked with a lightning bolt untouched. Having finished his assigned work, he turns to his traveling companion. "So Kind, what are your plans for tomorrow? I've kinda been aimlessly following you these last few days," he said with a soft chuckle. He knew not to expect an answer anytime soon, giving him plenty of time to be captivated by the night sky.

I’ll try to avoid harping on it too much since I’m not that far into this story yet, but in most cases, you don’t want to be mixing verb tenses of time in prose. In this particular case, since there’s no transition from “past to present”, you want to come down firm on the prose either being all in the past tense or all in the present tense.

During the following silence, two creatures slowly strolled out of the quiet trees. Both had four legs and were talking, but that was where the similarities stopped. One was carefully balanced on just his hind legs, his front paws being used to busy carrying a bundle of dry branches. The dark-blue coat that covered his back blended in with the fading evening light quite well, unlike the cream fur on his underbelly that formed a clear silhouette. Even easier to spot was his grumbling counterpart, whose curly fleece of olive colored wool stood out like a lighthouse due to the sparks constantly jumping between the fibers. As they neared the campfire, the gem on her tail reflected the light in all directions, scattering the darkness.

As they approached the humans, the Mareep spoke through teeth gritted around the metal handle of a tin bucket. “<I still don’t see why you had to come, too. I could have gotten everything just fine on my own.>”

Waaaaaait, but olive as a color is a shade of green. Is that deliberate for the Mareep here, or is that an oversight?

“<Oh really?>” the Quilava responded with a raised brow. “<And just how were you planning on doing that when you can barely handle that bucket?>”

head-turn-cat.gif


Nice choice of a Pokémon there. You’ve caught my interest.
:quilhappy:


“<Please! This old thing could have been filled with rocks and I’d still carry it for days.>”

“<I was talking more about how you would actually grab it, unless you have another mouth or a pair of paws hidden somewhere.>”

[ ]

“<Well… I’d just put the wood on top of the bucket, and carry it all at once.>”

“<And what is your plan for once the water in that bucket makes the firewood useless?>”

The Mareep rolled her eyes. “<Shootaf, you’re a freaking Fire-Type! What’s the point of keeping one of you around if you can’t dry out a few sticks on command?>”

IMO, you want to break up this dialogue in at least one place to show more of Shootaf and Sheepy’s body language and expressions here. Helps make things a bit easier to visualize and potentially give more insight into the pair’s quirks and mannerisms.

Said Fire-Type took a deep breath and sent the air through his back vents to cool off. Don’t let her get to you. She is just some random Mareep you are traveling with for a short leg of a long journey. You’ll go your separate ways soon enough and then never see her again. Just got to withstand her for another few weeks.

The Quilava inhaled more of the sweet air. It may not even be her fault she is so annoying. She has only had a proper trainer for a couple of days after all. Rather than looking forward to when she’ll be gone, I should focus on setting a good example for her. “

[ ]

<Please bring that water to Master. The sooner he can finish preparing the human food, the sooner Nory will let us eat.>”

I’ll admit, “Master” made me double-take a bit there since your Pokémon as-depicted seem very sapient, though eh. It’s decently common in fiction written from the perspective of human pets, so I won’t quibble too much about it.

I also think that this single paragraph would’ve worked better if it was broken up, with a bit of body language or the like dropped into the spot where the brackets are as a transition + visualization of what this interaction between these two looks like.

“<First smart thing you said all day,>” replied the Mareep.

Shootaf: “... How on earth did I stand this sheep all this time?”
:eltywtf:


She proceeded to walk over to the older human and place the bucket next to him. “<Here you go, Kind.>”

The human only acknowledged her with a short ‘Thank you’, not even bothering to look up from his work. After giving a snort at the human’s perceived rudeness, she walked over to her trainer to keep an eye on her well-earned dinner. Nory started to rub her rubbery skin affectionately, being careful to not run his fingers through the charged wool. His only other Pokémon was… somewhere nearby? He did not worry about her too much. She always comes back.

… For a second, I thought that ‘Nory’ was the Mareep. I kinda wonder if the Mareep’s name ought to have been introduced by now, since you actually had a golden opportunity to do so while Shootaf was whining to himself about having to be stuck with her. In general, if there’s not a narrative reason to be tight-lipped about a character’s name, it usually makes sense to inform the readers about them as soon as possible so that way you can just jump straight into using them.

Meanwhile, Shootaf had used the new fuel to rebuild the ramp-like structure that the campfire had mostly burned away. It was not too difficult since his fireproof coat protected him from the heat, letting him rearrange the already burning branches with his bare paws. By the time he was done, Kind was ready to finally answer Nory’s question.

That’s… actually a pretty clever use of Shootaf’s Fire-typing / dex lore there. Filing that one away as a mental note.

"I caught a Starly today and I would like to catch a Sandshrew before leaving this area. At most, we are 2 days travel until we get to out from the next city, so I would prefer to catch one tomorrow," Kind enunciated every word precisely, never slurring or running through a syllable. “I have rehydrated the M.R.E.s."

MREs, huh? Can’t tell if that’s a sign that Kind has a military background, or if that’s just standard issue for trainers in this setting.

Though I’m a little surprised we’re not seeing this Starly given that it’s a new catch, since that’d be an interesting way of exploring how a newly caught Pokémon parses being thrust into being trained and their backstory. But eh, plenty of time to delve into that later if you feel like it.

"What?" Nory said with a tilt of his head.

"Our dinner is ready.”

Nory: “... Why didn’t you just say that?”
:UnimpressedCabot:

Kind: “Because I’m very obviously a hyper-technical nerd archetype character…? Probably, anyways.”
:joltyshrug~1:


Nory set the lightning-marked bowl down next to his tent. The other 3 bowls he put in a nice grassy spot about 2 meters away from the fire.

Kind then pulled a Pokéball off of his belt. "Chol, it is time for dinner."

There was a flash of light, and then a small Larvitar was sitting at Kind's feet, with the biggest smile across his face. The child took a quick look around before rushing over to the nearest bowl, which by pure chance was the one he was supposed to eat from.

Wait, so what would’ve happened if Chol didn’t materialize in front of his proper bowl? Would he have just dug in anyways? ^^;

Shootaf ate his meal slowly, so as to savor the treat of added berries. Then he laid down by the fire, letting the flames just barely lick his fur until he felt like he had been wrapped in a blanket.

On the other hand, Chol had apparently decided that he wanted to practice being a Tyranitar. In only 2 minutes he successfully inhaled three quarters of his food. The rest was smeared across his face. Kind immediately got up and refilled Chol's bowl. Only after this did he put a serving of chicken parmesan on his plate and started enjoying his 15 month old delicacy.

487.jpg


Chol eats slower this time, finishing after only 5 minutes. Without any hesitation he runs over and attaches himself to his trainer's right leg. "<I love you Master!>" Chol suddenly exclaims as he begins nuzzling his messy face on Kind's pants. "<I love food and I love you. Food and you, you and food. But not you as food! That's just silly! Master's food is the best food! Best in the world! I love Master's food, Master, and food. But not Master’s human food! Human food is only for humans. Humans like Master. I love Master!>"

Let’s just hope that Chol’s food was a bit more recently-made than Kind’s. ^^;

Shootaf: <“Whelp, glad that I don’t have to clean that up.”>
:quilhappy:


Kind takes a deep breath and forces his muscles to relax. "Hey there Chol. It is nice to see you," Kind says as he starts to scratch the back of Chol's neck. "Could you, err... give me a minute to eat?" Kind starts gently pushing on the Larvitar, but not nearly strong enough to break the bear hug that was slightly cutting off his foot's circulation. "If you give me a minute, then we can play after I eat."

"<I love Master!>"

That’d be a “no, play now”, Kind. :V

Also, that doodle of Chol wrecking Kind’s pant leg is adorable.

Kind surrenders, letting Chol nuzzle his leg while he eats. Why do we have to do this every meal?

Because I’m pretty sure that Chol is mentally a little kid and he’s having the time of his life right about now just going off and seeing the world? o<o

Nory was eating in relative silence near his tent, slowly petting his Mareep as she calmly ate from her personalized bowl. Her wool acted enough like a campfire to keep him warm as long as he stayed close enough. Slowly, a thought creeped into his mind. "Where's the Starly? You said you caught it and you definitely don't have six Pokémon on you, so what gives?"

Oh, so we are going to see the Starly, huh?

Kind stopped cutting into his food and sat motionless. After Shootaf helped me catch that Starly today, I picked her up in order to treat her wounds with a Potion. I was able to comfortably do so with one hand; I can comfortably pick up a baby up with 2 hands. Therefore, I will make the rough estimate that she weighs half as much as a baby. Using my Pokédex, I found that female Starly have an average weight of 1.8 kg with a standard deviation of 0.3 kg. I remembered that the most recent issue of Pokémon in Pediatric Medicine includes the article Effect of Exposure to Small-Water Type Pokémon on Human Birth Weight. Using data provided by that article as a reference, I learned that the average weight of a female human at 2 months old is 4.9 kg with a standard deviation of 0.6 kg. 4.9 kg / 2 = 2.45 kg. That puts this Starly well into the 90th percentile. Therefore, she must have a fat reserve significant enough to last for several days. Taking into account a Pokéballs ability to slow the Pokémon's metabolism, albeit at a difficult to predict rate, and the tendency of wild organisms to space meals apart by days through increased meal size, this Starly should not be in need of food until sunrise. It is unlikely that she has already spent an abnormally large amount of days without food because her battling abilities did not appear to be compromised in any way.

[ ]


"I do not think she is hungry," Kind said after a minute.

I get what you’re going for here with Kind motor mouthing a long, rambling response, but that’s a pretty big block of text with quite a bit of unnecessary information. I kinda wonder if it’d have made more sense to cut the middle third out, have Nory and his Mareep stare and
:wtfuckle:
at Kind with it being roughly described what he’s going on about in narration, and then show Kind wrapping up his ramble. You could even get in some laughs by throwing in a beat moment as a transition paragraph around where I left the brackets as a suggested spot.

Some food for thought, anyways.

"You sure? That little fella may have not had a decent meal for days."

"Yes."

Nory supposed Kind would know more about the proper feeding habits of Pokémon than himself. He honestly doubted his actions when taking care of his own Pokémon, being more used to working on a farm than traveling. He wondered if his Mareep was gaining weight due to negligent feeding, but he could not be certain due to her thick coat of wool.

… Isn’t this the guy who’s eating 15-month old chicken parmesan? I’m not sure how much I believe that.
:fearfullaugh~1:


His only other Pokémon was easier to take care of, that is to say, he really didn't. Nory's Seviper was certainly loyal, but she hasn't really grown out of being a wild Pokémon. If being honest, the snake Pokémon's self-sufficiency was welcome, except for when she would scamper off during important times. I should probably get her back in the ball soon. It can be a pain to find her in the mornings.

Fortunately, Nory’s train of thought was abruptly stopped by a Seviper coming out of the woods with a look saying that Kind has one less Sandshrew to worry about. "There you are Lil' Sev!" Lil' Sev turned to Nory, glaring. Nory could not hold eye contact like that for long. He looked over to see Kind hunched over Chol, whose youthful laughter filled the entire clearing. At least Kind isn't the one being creepy for once. I don’t think I have actually seen him playing with his Pokémon before.

"Sit still."

"<I can't! It tickles too much!>" What Nory interpreted as a game was actually Kind attempting to clean the food stains off of his immature Pokémon. Unfortunately for him, the steel wool he owned made Chol twist and giggle with glee. The result was an accidental wrestling match that Shootaf found equal parts amusing and annoying.

Well that’s definitely one way to show that Chol’s hide is built tough.

[ ]

"<Hey Chol, you do realize that if you keep this up he will trade in that steel wool for soap and water.>"

[ ]


"<Don't joke about that!>" Chol shouted, suddenly sitting up and stared at the surprised Quilava very seriously. "<You know touching water makes me feel sick.>" Chol looked down as his voice dropped.

"<S-sorry. I was just kidding around.>"

I’d suggest dropping in some body language for Shootaf and Chol in the bracketed parts in this block. Also, I can’t tell if that last line is supposed to be from Chol or from Shootaf, I’m assuming the former from the speech pattern, but the text is a bit ambiguous in how it’s written.

"All done! See how everything goes smoother when you calm down?" Kind stood up and took a step back to admire his work. "Only a month old and you are already learning such an important lesson. As a reward for sitting still, how about I let you sleep outside your Pokéball tonight?"

Well that would certainly explain why Chol is acting like a little kid. He is one. Not sure how I feel about being allowed to sleep outside a Pokéball being a reward for a Pokémon, but eh. I won’t question it too much.

Barely a moment after hearing the words, Chol became more ecstatic than a 10 year old who got a Gyarados for his birthday. The juvenile began a rather odd dance that involved running in random direction, jumping with a twirl, and attempts to do a somersault that ended hilariously.

I’m not convinced the 10-year old would stay enthusiastic after getting roared at by said Gyarados when it was cranky. ^^;

[ ] Speaking to Nory, Kind said, "We should retire."

"Er yeah, good thinking. Have a good night."

Nory sent his Pokémon back to their Pokéballs and put his utensils in the tin bucket that was serving as his mess kit. He then crawled into his tent and removed his vest, boots and gloves. Knowing how dirty his knee-high boots were, Nory put them just outside his tent before he zipped it shut. He then tossed the rest of his clothes in a pile and into his sleeping bag alongside his Pokéballs, with only his bunched up vest serving as a pillow.

I kinda feel that you need a bit more of a transition before the “Speaking to Nory” line, since it’s a very abrupt cut from Chol cutely and happily dancing around to Kind talking to Nory. Like it’d likely have worked better given some sort of line of acknowledgement from Kind and then having him turn to Nory.

All of this was pretty standard for anyone with experience camping, but what happened next was particularly odd. Nory’s sleeping bag was able to be zipped all the way closed, a feature not uncommon among serious cold-weather bags. Even though it was unusual for nights in the Tychone Region to dip below around 20ºC year-round, Nory always closed his bag completely, leaving so little room for the hot air to flow that it caused a faint feeling of suffocation.

Had anyone questioned this behavior, although not a soul in the vicinity would, he would shrug off the oddness as just a habit. In truth, it gave Nory a sense of security to know that he was unexposed. What he is concerned about attacking him is unknown to even himself, and ultimately irrelevant. It was the fact that he was protected that mattered.

… Wait, I’m not sure if I follow the ‘particularly odd’ occurrence if this behavior is just normal for Nory. Like if it’s odd from someone’s perspective such as Kind’s, it might have made sense to just say outright like “what happened next struck Kind as particularly odd” or something like that.

While this was going on, Kind was putting away his dishes, collecting the trash, and placing the Pokémon’s bowls in an oversized plastic container. After returning Shootaf, he turned to his tent to be and was greeted by the sight of a hyperactive Larvitar trying to open their tent's zipper from the wrong side.

Better get over there before he rips it. Again.

As soon as Kind opened the zipper, Chol barreled in, almost pushing Kind over in the process. Kind wore a small smile as a nice memory of the last time this happened surfaced.

Wait, how many tents have these guys gone through during this journey? :V

Kind entered and saw a lump in his sleeping bag. After a quick change of clothes, the tired trainer crawled in. He settled down into a comfortable position and then reached deep inside in order to pull the small ball of living stone toward the crook of his left arm.

Master is so warm and soft. He even used magic to make his scent change into flowers. Chol takes a deep breath and lets the unique aroma relax every part of his being. The small child snuggles closer toward Kind and unconsciously mutters a simple phrase that came directly from his heart. "<Master, you're the best.>"

D’aww, how cute. Even if I’m not fullly sure how it is that Shootaf isn’t seething with jealousy from all of this right now given his depicted personality.

Chapter 2

....Shootaf made his den inside of this specific spot facing because the sunrises and sunsets look like framed paintings when seen through the the colorless and chalky cave's mouth. Today's exhibit was an Impressionist's attempt to manufacture a multifaceted landscape using as little paint as possible. Watercolor was the paint used, as it allowed the radiant reds of the sunlit clouds to sharply contrast with the grand greens of the grass, both of which ran into the cyan sea seamlessly. The result was the perfect complement to Van Gogh's Starry Night. Shootaf knew none of this, yet only one thought was running through his mind. Whoa.

....After many minutes were spent staring at the magnificent spectacle before him, Shootaf decided it was time for his daily run, Shootaf locked his hind legs and bent his back downward as far as he could. The dried grasses and leaves that lined his bed crunched at the same time that his back cracked. Ahh. That felt nice. Nothing is quite as satisfying as cracking your joints after a good night's sleep.

Wait, Shootaf has a ‘den’? Is this the inside of his Pokéball that we’re seeing right now?

.... Shootaf walked out of his humble den and into the sun's heat. "I think that I will give the Urban Course a try today." He tightened his muscles for a brief moment in order to ignite his flames, and then started running across the mountain ledges that surrounded his den. The loose rocks and sheer cliffs did not hinder the Volcano Pokémon in the least. Once the ground leveled out, Shootaf broke into a full sprint.

Okay, if this is picking right on the heels of the last chapter, it has to be his Pokéball, or else he’s dreaming right now.

.... It only took 5 minutes for Shootaf to reach a colossal chasm and the best part of this course. He kept running at full speed until he was only a meter away from the edge. Then he made a short jump, using the time in the air to move his hind legs directly under his center. When he felt the edge of the cliff dig into his paws like a knife, he released the tension he had stored in his compressed spine, causing his whole body to spring forward.

… Actually, I just realized from the mention of a ‘Course’, but is Shootaf in some sort of Pokéwalker analogue right now? Since I could’ve sworn that the different levels in those were also called ‘courses’.

.... During his fall, he stretched his whole body out. His legs slightly ached from being pulled so far apart. When the concrete hit his front paws like a Dynamic Punch, Shootaf performed a perfectly coordinated roll, spinning head over paws several times without ever completely losing control. When enough of the excess momentum was dissipated, he used what was left to transition into a dash at his top speed.

I kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to give more of an indication of what on earth is going on with Shootaf here, even if it’s just a subtle hint. Like I’m honestly just assuming that this is all in his Pokéball, but it’s all just an assumption at the moment, and there’s nothing to firmly ground it at the moment.

.... This also marked the beginning of what he called the Urban Area. In front of him stood huge human structures that rose between 50 to 100 meters off the ground. At least, Shootaf assumed there was ground down there. Whenever he looked, the only thing he could see was a murky mist thick enough to block even the most potent Lanturn's light. Although the city was big enough to put Goldenrod City to shame, it was completely quiet. Neither the mist nor the silence bothered Shootaf in the least as he ran across the rooftops like some kind of adolescent transformed assassin Wartortle. This place felt to him like this was his own private city, in his own private world. And he was right.

captain-america-i-understood-that-reference.gif


And yeah, I’d frankly be shocked if this wasn’t Shootaf’s Pokéball from that final line there.

.... After acting out Canabalt for half an hour, Shootaf reached the end of the course. He jumped off the edge of the roof he was on, even though there was no building ahead to jump to. Instead he landed on the gentle grass of the meadow he saw the sun rise over this morning. In the center of this clearing was a rather ordinary looking rock. It was shaped like a slightly flattened ball, barely tall enough to be seen over the wild grasses and colored with the dullest gray Shootaf could imagine. It was his favorite place.

I’m surprised that Shootaf would associate his favorite place with looking ‘dull’. It might make sense to play up associations from Shootaf’s end about the place feeling homely or the like, since ‘dull’ is usually not an adjective with positive associations.

.... The young Quilava walked up onto his rock and lay down. The sun warmed his back just as much as his rock warmed his belly. I wonder what is going on out in the world right now. He blinked. A shimmering hole in space appeared before him. In it he had a worm’s-eye view of Chol sleeping on Kind’s chest, effectively trapping the trainer under his surprisingly heavy but unsurprisingly cute Larvitar.

Yup, Pokéball it is. Gotta say, your interpretation that you and NGamerS rolled with is pretty roomy on the inside, though I suppose it’d make sense if the environments are one-size-fits-all and not adaptive for the environments where Pokémon are caught in.

.... “<Hahaha! You're such a kid, Chol. Oversleeping in the first chance you get. Probably didn’t realize Master would be too polite to wake you. Better get out there and save Master before the whole morning slips away.>”

You probably want to explicitly specify that this is Shootaf speaking here, since for a second I double-taked and thought that Shootaf was overhearing a third party from outside.

.... Shootaf jumped through the hole and landed right next to Kind’s sleeping bag. “Shootaf,” Kind whispered, “my belt, please?” Before Kind even started the request Shootaf had picked up the belt of Pokéballs to carrying it over. Careful to stay quiet, Kind snapped off Chol’s Pokéball and tapped the toddler with it. “Better go apologize to Nory for not helping with breakfast.”

.... “<I would not worry about it too much. Nory does not seems like the type to hold a grudge.>”

… Wait, Shootaf can pick up a belt sized for a human adult? Like isn’t that thing almost as long as his entire body unfurled? .-.

Still a cute little moment between him and Kind there.

.... They both exited the tent to find neither Nory nor his Pokémon anywhere in sight. Kind walked up to the large stone they were using for a table to find a tall tupperware box, a charred bag made of tin foil, and a note.

.... ‘Pokémon food in box and eggs in bag. I made breakfast, so you clean it. Be back by 10:00. -Nory’

Shootaf: “... The breakfast isn’t in that scorched bag, is it?”
:fearfullaugh~1:


.... “We are on cleaning duty after breakfast,” Kind announced. The box contained standard Pokémon food that was slightly seasoned and the tin foil bag was obviously used to both cook and serve the scrambled eggs. Neither was particularly enjoyable, nor did anyone expect them to be. Nory may be a competent cook, but when camping, speed is more important than flavor in the mornings.

I actually just realized, but what exactly is the thing going on with the ‘....’ in front of each line? Since that wasn’t present in Chapter 1 and I’m not sure what that’s all about.

.... After eating, Kind started taking down the tents in the exact order the instruction book recommended. All Shootaf could do in the meantime was scatter the rocks that made up the fire pit. Everything was going smoothly until Shootaf suddenly stopped. I'm sure I heard something. After a second, he heard it again. Without any hesitation, Shootaf charged into the undergrowth.

Wait, is that Shootaf, or Kind who head something? If it’s Shootaf, you probably want to format his thoughts similarly to his spoken dialogue to make it obvious that it’s him and not Kind. Also, I kinda wonder if an extra sentence or two of Shootaf slowing down and realizing that something’s up ought to have been provided, since as it stands, things feel a bit sudden right now.

.... "Shootaf!" Kind yelled with concern as he took off after his determined Pokemon. “Where are you going?”

.... "<Sorry Master, but there is no time to lose. We have to get there quickly.>" Shootaf called back as he sped ahead of Kind.

The cries of pain that were just on the edge of Shootaf’s hearing before were now becoming louder. Shootaf was convinced that this was not just because he was getting closer. Whatever was causing that Pokémon so much pain was getting progressively more pitiless.

Well that ain’t good. But yeah, this is something that I think should’ve been hinted at and built up more in the prior block, since as it stands, we’re kinda finding out in a very after the fact fashion that what Shootaf heard was:

A: A Pokémon.
B: A Pokémon in duress.

Whereas we didn’t even get a solid hint that Shootaf didn’t just hear the wind rustle in the trees but instead something that was seriously wrong in the paragraph before this section. A bit more buildup might’ve made things a bit less jarring.

.... Shootaf used his Quick Attack to make the last leg of the trip faster, and so he could burst onto the scene ready to attack. When he did burst out of the bushes, he had only a split second to take in the two figures before him:

T
he closest one was lying on the ground. He was about the size of a human cub just learning to walk, except his body and limbs were rounder. He was covered in a pale-yellow shell, almost same shade as sandstone. There were many linear cracks that ran along this shell, forming a repeating pattern of rectangles. However, there were also many jagged cracks that stood out against this pattern like a sore thumb. The latter were obviously the work of whatever wounded this weakened pup.

Shootaf could not actually notice all of this in the hurried glimpse he took of the scene, but he could infer it fairly confidently. After all, when you spend 2 months doing nothing but hunting down the most common Pokémon in the Tychone Region, you get pretty good at recognizing a Sandshrew when you see one.

This is another block that I think works better if broken up, since this is a lot of text to read in a straight shot for a paragraph.

Also, the description of the wounded Sandshrew is written as if Shootaf definitely saw all that. If the idea is that he is filling in blanks of a split-second sighting, you might want to make some of the description of the middle section more “hazy”, or else tweak the “Shootaf could not actually notice all of this” into something like “Shootaf couldn’t get a better look”.

.... While the victim was about half Shootaf’s height, the attacker was double it. The only other detail Shootaf could make out before pounding his shoulder into their stomach was that they were a very light green in color.

Shootaf was pretty sure he could handle what was probably a Plant Type, so followed through with the Quick Attack he used to get here. The blow was delivered directly to the their belly, at exactly the angle Kind taught him. The attacker stumbled backwards a few steps before dropping to its knees. Shootaf scored a critical hit, in that by starting a fight with knocking the wind out of the opponent is a critical part of Kind’s battling strategy.

Wait. Double his height while standing on all fours or on two legs? Since if it’s on two legs, I’m pretty sure that that’s consistent with a Scyther…
:fearfullaugh~1:


Also, this is another paragraph that I thought would benefit from being broken up.

.... "<Back off you ill-raised jerk! This little one couldn't have done anything to deserve such a harsh beating... Oh Arceus, you have got to be kidding me.>"

I kinda wonder if this would’ve had more impact if you had a break and description paragraph where you describe Shootaf going full
:quilaeep:
before putting ‘Oh Arceus [...]’ into its own paragraph afterwards. Also, I’m very, very certain from Shootaf’s reaction that he just aggroed a Scyther there.

.... Now that the attacker was desperately gasping for air, Shootaf could take in the scene around him in detail. The attacker was literally covered head to toe in armor and armed to the teeth. The majority of her body was protected by flawless, tough carapace, with only a few vulnerable joints having a fleshy, tan covering. Her head and thighs sprouted spikes so sharp that if you tried to strike either of those weak points you could end up stabbing your own hand. Even the 4 wings on her back boasted some plating.

....In truth though, it was the offensive department that this Pokemon shined. The 2 fangs that overlapped her bottom jaw were sharp enough to wreak wood with ease and her talons on her feet could shred a sheet of steel like butter. Combine all of this with the unmatched speed and mobility provided by her wings, and you had a formidable fighter. All of that was not even considering her true primary weapon, the reason so many of her kind are feared, the true pride of every Scyther: the arm-blades. This Scyther’s arm-blades were a little under half a meter in length and a quarter of that at its widest part, with not a single nick or crack to be seen on the razor-thin edge. Truly, they were a weapons to be respected, if not feared.

Live look at Shootaf right now:
:quilaeep:


Yuuuuuuup. I just knew that things were going there between the description of the Sandshrew’s wounds and the mention of the attacker being double Shootaf’s height and being light green.

.... However, Shootaf was not too concerned about this Scyther. For one thing, this Scyther was currently kneeling before him trying her hardest to remember how to breathe. Even if she was fighting-fit, he was a Fire-Type with a year of battling experience. There was no doubt in his mind that he could beat such a frail Bug-Type. Besides all of that, Shootaf still had an ace in the holeKind. If he could hold out for a minute, at most, then Kind would get here and battle with him. To put it simply, this Scyther did not scare Shootaf.

de7.png


Though that last sentence doesn’t feel very consistent with the way Shootaf was reacting earlier-

.... The 20 or so Scyther standing behind their swarm-mate were a separate story all together.

Oh.
:copyka2:


[ ]

....I just interfered in a Scyther’s battle. With a cheap shot. Then insulted her. And her parents. In front of their entire swarm. Well, I’ve lived a good life. My only real regret is ever sneaking some of those bitter almond candies from Kind. Those things seriously tasted horrible.

I kinda wonder if you should’ve described something like Shootaf looking around and getting encroached on, or trying to find a way to flee and realizing he has no realistic way of escaping. Since as it stands, it feels like he just basically gives up and waits to die off the bat.

.... After a tense moment passed where no one moved, a senior Scyther calmly stepped forward from the swarm. His most impressive feature was his size, rising at least 30 centimeters above anyone else in the clearing. Although his blades had grayed with age and his carapace was riddled with cracks, he displayed no fear as he neared the Fire-Type.

Shootaf turned up his heat, trying to ward the imposing figure back until Kind could catch up to him. The warrior did stop approaching, leaving about 10 meters between them. However, it was clear by his tranquil demeanor that this was more out of respect for Shootaf’s bravery than for any fear on his part.

.... "<I am King Jara Hamee. This thief,>” King Jara paused to spit with disgust for having to foul his mouth with such a word. “<-has stolen from my people many times. Before I was merciful, but she has refused to learn her lesson. Now stand aside outsider, for justice shall be delivered!>"

Shootaf: “... The story’s seriously going to make me face down 20 of these scythe mantises over this sand rat, isn’t it?” ._.

.... “<Look at her! She’s half starved and you all look fat as Miltank. Where is the justice in that?>”

That… was never described in the narration before, and it feels like a big enough detail that you want to do that. Whether earlier on, or right here as Shootaf weighs in his mind whether to turn and run and leave the Sandshrew to her fate when he realizes how well-fed the two sides are at the moment.

.... “<She should have starved with honor rather than resort to such a detestable practice!>” King Jara took a breath to recompose himself. “<This is your last warning. Stand aside.>” Shootaf spread his front legs and lowered his torso, taking a defensive battle stance. “<Very well then.>”

>Achieve 0 Audience Sympathy - any% speedrun (TAS)

Shootaf: “Oh dear Arceus, I’m gonna die here, aren’t I?”
:quilaeep:


.... The towering Scyther took in a breath and held both blades ahead of him, their tips barely crossing. As he exhaled he slid his left foot backward. In the same motion he brought his left arm behind him. His arms now formed a line that pointed straight at the Quilava, who was breathing heavily even though no attacks had been thrown yet. King Jara began to lean forward, shifting his bodyweight onto his right foot.

Shootaf: “Kind! Seriously, any day now would be nice!
:eltyscared:


.... “Shootaf! Roll left, now!” Acting on instincts drilled into him by hours of practice, Shootaf did exactly that. By the time he consciously recognized that Kind was here to help, a dull-green blur flew past his right side and a pain raced across his flank. Shootaf landed on his back and tumbled across the grass. He had been hit by the Slash attack and fainted halfway through the roll. Without missing a beat, King Jara swiftly flew between his swarm and this human.

Wait, ‘this human’? Since when was there a human involved in here-?

.... Kind ran out of the forest, no longer caring about the thorny branches that clung to his clothes. He kneeled beside and hugged his bleeding partner.

Thank you, now return."

Then He then walked in front of the Sandshrew, spread his arms wide, and in a firm voice proclaimed, "I do not know what is going on, but I know this: my Pokemon tried to protect this Sandshrew. That is enough for me. I volunteer for the Shandshrew’s punishment. Any harm you wish to inflict on them, you may instead inflict on me, as long as you promise that they will leave here safely."

… Wait, how can Kind understand what’s going on right now with the Scyther? Like his address to the Scyther only makes sense if he overheard what was being said between Jara and Shootaf and comprehended it. It might’ve made more sense to frame this more along the lines of imperfect assumptions, given that I don’t think you’ve portrayed your humans as being able to understand Pokémon up to this point.

.... Everyone looked at this human in shock. Only a few understood the words, but everyone understood the meaning. King Jara Hamee was the first to recover. "<That is very noble of you human. Let us see if your words have any substance.>"[/QUOTE]

… Well, never mind then. Maybe this is like LC where humans and Pokémon can just understand each other relatively frequently. I do kinda wonder if this should’ve been shown off a bit more earlier this chapter and in Chapter 1, since that’s a pretty big worldbuilding detail that’s not super common in the fandom that you’d ideally want front and center for your audience since it carries a bunch of implications along with it.

Alright, onto the recap. I’m not sure whether or not you and NGamerS will actually be doing anything with this feedback since your last update was, uh… a while ago, but I figured I ought to leave it anyways for if you two ever decide to revisit or continue this story.

I thought that the story was pretty cute, and in the span of two chapters, you already have some characters that seem like they’d be promising to follow beyond this point. Shootaf and Chol being the main standouts. The art in Chapter 1 was also a nice touch, since it’s a little flourish that most fanfics simply don’t have for their stories. There’s also a certain down-to-earth-ness and simplicity about this story that for whatever reason, a lot of stories in this fandom don’t seem to have. Like the title is a bit on the nose about it, and I kinda wonder if it’d been more elegantly served with a title like “Nobodies”, but it does feel pretty “everyman story”, or at least for wandering trainers.

Okay, onto the more critical part. As you likely gathered from the rest of the review, but there were some structural issues that I felt held the story back a bit. The lowest-hanging fruit is that there’s a number of awkward wordings, verb tense errors, and misspellings here and there. Ones that if you are still continuing this story somewhere else, or opt to dust it off and get the ball rolling again, you should make a point of doing an additional readthrough just to filter out.

There are also a couple paragraphs that are a bit “wall-of-text”-y, with Kind’s motor mouth gag in Chapter 1 being the most obvious offender. If you and NGamerS do revisit this story or do a revision of it, that also feels like something fairly simple to fix as well. As for less simple fixes, there seem to be persistent issues with underdescription, which can make it a bit hard to visualize scenes at times or get into the characters’ heads. They’re not exactly easy fixes to make, per se, but they’re at least easier since most of the bones I had to pick with what I read of this story are ones that can be fixed simply by adding more content to it or slightly touching up what’s already there.

Though even with those quibbles, I had fun with this story @Kindoflame , and I honestly regret not reading it a couple years sooner. I’m not sure if NGamerS will still be doing anything with it, though hopefully the feedback is still helpful for you and him and your present writing projects. ^^
 

Kindoflame

Active Member
I am actually planning a reboot of this fanfic, so the review is much appreciated. The main take-away I got was that my descriptions were... unevenly distributed. I mean that at some parts there was too much [e.g. Kind’s thought process about feeding the Starly] and other not enough [e.g. setting the scene at the start of chapter 1]. I think a lot of your comments about being confused as to what is happening could be solved with more frequent descriptions, so I’ll try to focus on doing that in the reboot.

On the other hand, a lot of the moments had the emotional impact I was looking for, which is pretty awesome. The biggest example is Kind’s Pokemon calling him Master is suppose to make the reader feel uncomfortable to hint that he has a very odd relationship with his Pokemon. Unfortunately, in the reboot that is going to get cut, but I have a way more interesting idea for how Pokemon see the Traiter-Pokemon relationship planned. Fun fact though, in the episode ‘The Island of the Giant Pokemon’ the Pokemons’ dialog is given subtitles, and Ash’s Pokemon refer to him by name while Team Rocket’s refer to them as ‘Master’.

Waaaaaait, but olive as a color is a shade of green. Is that deliberate for the Mareep here, or is that an oversight?
Oversight, but now I am really tempted to make deliberate in the reboot.

In general, if there’s not a narrative reason to be tight-lipped about a character’s name, it usually makes sense to inform the readers about them as soon as possible so that way you can just jump straight into using them.
I agree. In this case, Nory hasn’t decided on a nickname for Mareep yet. I also wanted to establish that Pokemon referring to one another by species is common in this setting.

That’s… actually a pretty clever use of Shootaf’s Fire-typing / dex lore there. Filing that one away as a mental note.
Expect a lot more things like that in the reboot. How Pokemon are as creatures and how they differ from humans is something I really want to explore.

MREs, huh? Can’t tell if that’s a sign that Kind has a military background, or if that’s just standard issue for trainers in this setting.
They are common in this region. Kind gets them because they are dirt cheap and [practically] never expire.

Wait, so what would’ve happened if Chol didn’t materialize in front of his proper bowl? Would he have just dug in anyways? ^^;
Oh absolutely! No hesitation and no regret.

Also, that doodle of Chol wrecking Kind’s pant leg is adorable.
Thanks. Unfortunately, I probably will not include my very bad drawing in the reboot because, you know, they’re horrible.

… Isn’t this the guy who’s eating 15-month old chicken parmesan? I’m not sure how much I believe that.
15 months is nothing for a M.R.E. Properly stored, those things can last for years. Maybe I should probably mention that in story.

D’aww, how cute. Even if I’m not fullly sure how it is that Shootaf isn’t seething with jealousy from all of this right now given his depicted personality.
This is interesting because I didn’t intend to give Shootaf a jealous personality, but now that you mention it, it kind of works. I’ll have to think about maybe changing his character a bit in the reboot.

I kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to give more of an indication of what on earth is going on with Shootaf here, even if it’s just a subtle hint. Like I’m honestly just assuming that this is all in his Pokéball, but it’s all just an assumption at the moment, and there’s nothing to firmly ground it at the moment.
The idea was to have weirder and weirder things happen until the reader figures out on their own that is the inside of a Pokéball. I thought that would be more interesting than directly stating that is what’s happening. Judging by how you were reacting, I think it worked.

Gotta say, your interpretation that you and NGamerS rolled with is pretty roomy on the inside, though I suppose it’d make sense if the environments are one-size-fits-all and not adaptive for the environments where Pokémon are caught in.
That is not exactly what we were going for. When you get to see a few other Pokemon in their Pokéballs, it should be come clearer that its… actually, maybe I shouldn’t spoil it now.

… Wait, Shootaf can pick up a belt sized for a human adult? Like isn’t that thing almost as long as his entire body unfurled? .-.
Well, a dog can carry a leash longer than they are. Weight would really be the limit, not length, and a Quilava should definitely be strong enough to pick up a belt without any problems.

Shootaf: “... The breakfast isn’t in that scorched bag, is it?”
You'd be surprised. I’ve had a bag o’ scrabbled eggs while camping and they are were pretty nice.

I am a feeling rather satisfied because the food the party was eating was suppose to be a subtle way to introduce a huge difference between this fanfic and literally everything else I have read in the fandom. I’ll take the fact you didn’t have a reaction as a sign that it worked and you accepted this element of the world without even giving it a second thought.

Also, the description of the wounded Sandshrew is written as if Shootaf definitely saw all that. If the idea is that he is filling in blanks of a split-second sighting, you might want to make some of the description of the middle section more “hazy”, or else tweak the “Shootaf could not actually notice all of this” into something like “Shootaf couldn’t get a better look”.
One of the things I noticed enjoying a lot is when the writer describes a new Pokemon without saying the species. It kind of makes it a verbal game of ‘Who’s that Pokemon!’ It sounds like it didn’t work for the Sandshrew because the detailed description does not fit with the rushed moment. I’ll have to keep that in mind in the future. Seems like this idea worked a lot better with the Scyther though.

I kinda wonder if you should’ve described something like Shootaf looking around and getting encroached on, or trying to find a way to flee and realizing he has no realistic way of escaping. Since as it stands, it feels like he just basically gives up and waits to die off the bat.
I really didn’t convey it well, but he is suppose to be feeling extreme awkwardness and social anxiety rather than physical fear. It’s that feeling when an intern spills coffee on the CEO on their first day, so they just want to crawl up in a hole and die. I’ll fully admit that I did a really bad job explaining that.

Maybe this is like LC where humans and Pokémon can just understand each other relatively frequently.
It’s not like that. Pokemon can more or less understand humans after spending some time around them, but humans got no clue what Pokemon are saying. Kind reasoned out that Shootaf was trying to protect the Sandshrew based on what he saw. Maybe I should have shown him looking around the area, trying to piece the scene together. Something to indicate that he pieced together what was going on without verbal clues.

The art in Chapter 1 was also a nice touch, since it’s a little flourish that most fanfics simply don’t have for their stories.
Unfortunately, I have come to term with myself and realized that I am just a really bad illustrator, so don’t expect anything like that in the reboot. That Chol picture was really the only thing I did that I really liked, so I decided to just not bother.

Like the title is a bit on the nose about it, and I kinda wonder if it’d been more elegantly served with a title like “Nobodies”, but it does feel pretty “everyman story”, or at least for wandering trainers.
There is actually a bit of a story behind the title. This fanfic is based on an RP titled “Generic Trainer RP”, so when we decided to adapt it into a fanfic we just went with the obvious title. I actually think the title doesn’t fit the story because we made a lot of unusual creative decisions regarding the world-building. When I actually get the reboot going, you’ll see what I mean.
 
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