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Gina's Kanto Journey [PG]

Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
WTF?! You just posted a fic! Wow your taking on a lot of work!

I know that, that is what you are all thinking, right? Well I decided to do my Pokemon story things because they are not as long and they are fun as well as a journey fic because I want to stick with this and build like a story fan base as well. So here we go. If you would like to be on the PM list then feel free to let me know

Pokemon: Gina's Kanto Journeys
Chapter One: Choosing a Pokemon

“Gina!” A loud, obnoxious voice yelled up to a room on the second story of the house.

“I’m up.” Another voice yelled right back down.

Gina lifted herself up with both of her bony hands. She observed the room in a blurred vision. She pushed her golden blonde hair out of her eyes with one manicured finger and lifted herself out from under her pink, satin covers. She marched like a zombie over to an oak door that was painted over with a cheap, white paint. She pulled the door open and reached for a light blue shirt and a pair of khaki pants. She slid out of her wrinkly pajamas and put on the new shirt and pair of pants. The sky blue shirt had no sleeves and the pants just reached down past her knees.

She shut the closet door and put her pajamas in a wooden chair next to the door. She then trudged over to her bed, still half asleep and made it up. She would have given anything to fall back into the bed. She found enough energy in her body to resist the temptation and walked out of her room. When she shut the door that light of the upstairs hallway shined in her eyes. She squinted and looked down at the tan carpet to find her way to the steps. She grabbed hold of the dark wooden rail and guided herself down. When she made it to the bottom she turned and walked into the kitchen.

“Finally you're up!” That same loud obnoxious voice said. Gina rolled her eyes and sat down to eat.

She watched the woman who was being rather rude hustle about the kitchen. The lady’s long black hair was up in a messy bun. A white apron covered her waist and tied around her neck to keep her from making a mess. She was wearing navy blue pajama shorts and a shirt that matched. The lady turned around and stared Gina down with a mean look in her dark brown eyes.

“So I guess that you aren’t going to anything with your hair?” The woman asked in a sarcastic, questioning tone.

“I was going to eat first and then finish getting ready.” Gina said nicely trying to be the bigger person, even though she would have killed to have said something mean.

“Okay,” the woman snapped, “you better do it straight after breakfast.”

“I promise,” Gina said sweetly.

The woman was Gina’s step mother. Her father had left for work at the Silph Company all the way out in Saffron City. Gina never really saw her father much, she looked almost exactly like him except that she actually got out in the sun and died her hair a golden blonde color. She shared the slinky build, crystal eyes, and dimples that he had though. Gina’s step mom, April, had a somewhat of a cruel personality. She would say mean or very sarcastic and rude things to Gina, but she loved Gina and there were times she would treat Gina like she was a princess.

“Here you go,” April said, “get a good breakfast because your starting your journey today.”

“Thank you, April.” Gina smiled and went directly to eating. A cute little Pokemon had jumped on the table beside Gina. The Pokemon had a basic white color to it, but had red ears and a red tail that resembles the addition sign. The small Pokemon had positively charged pouches on the side of its face. The positive charge was easy to notice because of the addition sign made in the skin. The Pokemon also had cute little round eyes and was topped off by it’s small size. Plusle, was the type of Pokemon that had jumped up beside Gina.

“Plusle, Plus, Plusle,” Plusle began to whine, “hey I want some of that bacon she made you!”

“Sorry Plusle,” Gina said, “you can’t eat anything on my plate baby.”

Plusle looked down in disappointment and hopped down off of the mahogany table. Gina looked down at the food that was presented to her. She had crisp bacon laid out in even proportion, grits to the side that had thick, yellow cheese melted into it. Toast was near the bottom of the plate covered in grape jam, which was a dark purplish color. Gina thought that it all had looked good. She finished off the bacon real fast and then almost literally inhaled the grits that April had made.

“Okay, okay,” April started to comment in a rude tone, “it’s not like the food is going anywhere you know, you have until seven-thirty to get there!”

“I know,” Gina said, “I’m just really hungry.”

“No need to choke on anything.” April finished.

April walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. Gina rolled her crystal eyes and then went back to enjoying her meal. She finished up leaving the plate almost as white as it was before the food was placed on it. She sat the plate in the sink and washed it up. She circled the white suds around the plate until of the small crumbs and scraps had fallen off the plate. She then turned off the water and dried the plate. She walked into the living room and sat down to try to catch some of the news. She plopped down in a big leather chair and began to pay attention.

April made a sound as if she was clearing her throat.

“What?” Gina asked.

“I thought you were going to fix your hair and stuff straight after you ate?” She asked Gina rudely.

“Oh yeah,” Gina said, “almost forgot.”

Gina walked back up the stairs and into the bathroom. When she made it there, she rolled her eyes again and began to brush her long, blonde hair into wavy clumps that added shape to her face. She then grabbed a few bright pink barettes and placed them in her hair accordingly. After she fixed up her hair she brushed her pearly teeth and then went back into her room. She looked up at a clock on the wall beside her bed.

“Seven o-clock.” Gina read aloud.

She walked to the chair that she had plopped her pajamas in and picked up a yellow back-pack. She placed it over her shoulders and headed downstairs.

“Alright April,” Gina smiled, “it’s time for me to go.”

“Okay hold on just a second.” April said nicely, for a change that morning.

April got up off the couch and walked to where Gina was. A small, pink smile painted itself warmly across her face. She opened up her bony arms and wrapped Gina up in one big hug.

“Oh my goodness,” April said, “it is so hard to believe that you are ten years old!” April pushed away from the hug.

“Don’t worry about me,” Gina said, “you know that I will be fine.”

“I know,” April said, “so did you ever decide what Pokemon you were going to choose as yours?”

“Well,” Gina began, “I was thinking Charmander, but I really don’t know who I am going to go with.”

“Go with the one that you think you will get along with the best!” April said happily.

“Okay,” Gina smiled, “you’re right.”

“Now be careful,” April cautioned, “you know sometimes Pokemon can be stronger than you really think they are.”

“I will be careful,” Gina promised, “and I will call anytime I arrive to a new city.”

“Okay,” April said, “now get out of here so you're not late!”

Gina smiled at April and then turned to head out the door. As soon as she reached the door the small Plusle jumped into her arms. The mouse Pokemon cuddled at her chin. Gina smiled at the small Pokemon and then sat her down on the floor.

“I’m sorry,” Gina frowned, “you can’t go with me this time.”

Plusle frowned and then jumped in April’s arms saddened. April scratched Plusle on the head and then waved Gina along. Gina stepped out the door into the cool morning. The dew on the grass dripped down into the soil off the green leaves. Tall oak trees stood around the small house. Gina could see the small lab from where she was. Pallet Town was not a very large town. Most of the houses were close together and then there was the lab on the far side along with a small bay that a Pokemon could surf off of. Gina began to head out. She looked back on her small wooden house and smiled. She then turned around and walked toward the lab. The dirt of the ground had dried from the dew that came at night so it did not stick to her shoes.

“GINA!” Gina heard someone call her name. She looked around and saw a boy running up to her.

The boy was a little taller than Gina was. He had dark brown hair and eyes that matched. He had a black shirt on and a pair of blue jean pants. His book bag was a little bigger than Gina’s and could fit more things in there. The boy ran waving his bony, tan hands in the air to wave her down. Gina giggled and stopped walking and waited for him to catch up.

“Hey, Gina.” The boy said in a high raspy voice.

“Hi, Brian.” She giggled at him.

“So are you ready to get your Pokemon?” He asked her.

“I’ve been ready for six months now!” Gina laughed.

The two turned back toward the lab and walked. The two discussed different things like what each of the Pokemon to choose from evolved into, and what types of moves that the Pokemon would learn. They enjoyed talking about Pokemon to each other. The two smiled at each other and talked all the time, they were good friends with each other.

The two finally arrived at the steps of the Pokemon Lab. They looked at the yellowish colored building. The roof was brown with a funny looking object on the top of the roof. There were large windows on the front of the building that could be looked into. Brian and Gina peered over and saw three Pokemon sitting on a metallic table. Brian opened the door and let Gina walk in first.

“Thank you,” Gina beamed, “you are such a gentleman.”

“Aw,” Brian said shyly, “thanks.”

Gina began to walk down the fluorescent hall. Potted plants were placed along the wall next to dull, brown furniture. It looked as if the two children were walking down the hallway of an office building. Gina down to the first door and turned on her right. She saw the table with the three Pokemon on it. The three small Pokemon looked back at Gina and Brian. The Professor turned around and smiled at the children.

“Well come on in, you two.” He said to the children.

“Hi, Professor Oak!” Gina said with excitement.

“I’m glad that you guys could make it!” Professor Oak said.

“Yeah,” a boy sitting on a white overstuffed couch said, “I’m ready to get the show on the road you know.”

“Trevor,” Professor Oak started, “be patient, you’ll all be starting a journey you know.”

“Yeah,” Trevor said, “well the sooner the better.”

Trevor was a short and pleasantly plump boy. He had light brown hair that was all spiked up to a point. Green eyes were spread farther than usual on his chubby face. He had on a green shirt and a pair of blue jeans that reached down past his crimson sneakers. He stood up from off the couch but did not gain that much in height. He, waddled over to where Gina and Brian were standing.

“So you guys seem like you have been ready for this day for a while now.” Professor Oak chuckled.

“Like I told Brian,” Gina said, “I have been ready for this for six months now.”

“Have you all thought about what Pokemon that you would like?” Professor Oak asked them.

Gina smiled brightly at Professor Oak. She then shifted her eyes over to a small lizard Pokemon. The Pokemon was orange on most of his body. He had a small round head with big brown eyes and a small snout that was painted with a small smile. The inside of his stomach was a cream color as was under the little Pokemon’s tail. At the very tip of the tail a fire burned. It was said that if that fire was to go out, then the small Pokemon would die. The name of this Pokemon was Charmander.

“Well, Gina, I think we all know what Pokemon you want,” Professor Oak said, “why don’t you choose first.”

“I want that Charmander.” Trevor rudely interrupted.

“Trevor, it wasn’t your turn, but I guess you called him so you can have him.” Professor Oak said.

The smile on Gina’s face turned from a smile to a big, disappointed frown.

Brian walked up closer to the metal table and examined the two Pokemon that were left. He scanned over the Squirtle and the Bulbasaur. Squirtle was a small turtle Pokemon. Its body color was mostly blue. It, also, had big brown eyes that were so cute. The turtle also had a brown shell on its body. The outside of the shell around his stomach area was white. The Pokemon also had short legs and a tail that looked like the foam of the ocean. The Pokemon looked up at Brian with a smile on his face. Brian almost seemed to be instantly in love with the Squirtle.

The other Pokemon, Bulbasaur, was very different from the Squirtle. This Pokemon was green with dark, forest green spots placed unkemptly her body. This little dinosaur-like Pokemon had large red eyes that were cute. On the back of this Pokemon was a large plant structure that was fat at the base and then thinned out as it reached the top. There were seeds inside the plant that could be launched as an attack or they were used to keep the plant on the back healthy.

Brian began to scan each of the Pokemon over again and again. Each time he looked at Squirtle his eyes seemed to get bigger and bigger. The smile on his face got wider and wider as well.

“All right,” Brian said, “I really want to take Squirtle, he just makes me so happy.”

“Okay then,” Professor Oak said, “I guess that Squirtle is yours.”

“Well I only have one choice,” Gina said sarcastically, “I guess that me and Bulbasaur are going to be together then.”

Bulbasaur looked up at Gina with sad eyes. Bulbasaur could tell that Gina really did not want her as a Pokemon. Gina looked down at the little dinosaur-like Pokemon. She was a little disappointed but eventually turned her frown upside down and shot a smile at the Bulbasaur. The Pokemon then cheered up and then walked up to Gina. Gina grabbed the Pokemon in between the front and the hind legs and lifted her up. Bulbasaur enjoyed being held in Gina’s arms. Gina turned around from the table and followed the professor, Brian, and Trevor out the door. They walked outside and into the field that Professor Oak had made.

“So now you guys have new Pokemon,” Professor Oak said, “would you like to try them out in a battle.”

“Oh my gosh,” Gina started, “that would be so much fun. Let’s do it!”

“Just remember,” The Professor said, “you do have to pay prize money in losing battles, but since this is just for practice you won’t have to pay anything.”

“I want to go first!” Trevor blurted out. He waddled over the trainer position spot that Professor Oak had outlined in white, like the rest of the battle field was.

“Okay who else wants to go?” Professor Oak asked.

“I’ll do it!” Gina shouted excitedly.

Gina walked to the other side of the battle field and took position ready to battle Trevor for her first ever Pokemon battle.

“This Pokemon will be between Gina and Trevor,” one of the Professor’s Aides announced, “there will be no time limit, GO!”

With that being said the two trainers began their first battle.
 
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Breezy

Well-Known Member
Before we get into the nitty gritty, I need to point this out:
“Oh my goodness,” April said, “it is so hard to believe that you are ten years old!” April pushed away from the hug.

“Don’t worry about me,” April said, “you know that I will be fine.”

“I know,” April said, “so did you ever decide what Pokemon you were going to choose as your’s?”
o_O April is talking a helluva lot, though I think this is just a typo of switching conversation between Gina and April. Be careful when proofreading.

In general, your style of writing is very list-like. I.E.) This happened. Then that happened. It caused this to happen. Then this happened. And so on. You also don't take advantage of sentence variety and choose to use very similar (if the not the same) style of sentences that makes your listy description a bit harder to get through and more apparent. Sentence variety is one of those things that authors don't realize they're doing since it usually comes naturally, thus making it one of the most underestimated elements in writing structure. Example:
Gina lifted herself up with both of her bony hands. She observed the room in a blurred vision. She pushed her golden blonde hair out of her eyes with one manicured finger and lifted herself out from under her pink, satin covers. She marched like a zombie over to an oak door that was painted over with a cheap, white paint. She pulled the door open and reached for a light blue shirt and a pair of khaki pants. She slid out of her wrinkly pajamas and put on the new shirt and pair of pants. The sky blue shirt had no sleeves and the pants just reached down past her knees.
Take away all your description and all your left is "She woke up. She sat up. She got up. She walked to the closet. She got dressed," and, well, that's not very interesting at all, is it? Simply changing up your sentence variety can alleviate this problem:

Gina lifted herself up with both of her bony hands, observing the room in blurred vision. She pushed her golden blond hair out of her eyes with one manicured finger and lifted herself out from under her pink, satin covers. Marching like a zombie to an oak door that was painted over with a cheap, white paint, she pulled the door open and reached for a light blue shirt and a pair of khaki pants. She slid out of her wrinkly pajamas and put on the new shirt and pair of pants. The sky blue shirt had no sleeves and the pants just reached down past her knees.

The description of this entire scene is kind of awkward, like you're trying to use word filler and over complicate things. "A sky blue shirt with no sleeves" is a tank top, isn't it? Pants that reached past her knees are called capri pants. Shorts even. Likewise, zombies don't really march. Maybe you meant dragged instead?

Let's get to the heart of what I already mentioned earlier: Listing description that isn't necessarily important. While you do want to describe the character, you don't want to make it in a way where the reader is bombarded with a huge amount of character description and then never mention appearances again. Example:
She watched the woman who was being rather rude hustle about the kitchen. The lady’s long black hair was up in a messy bun. A white apron covered her waist and tied around her neck to keep her from making a mess. She was wearing navy blue pajama shorts and a shirt that matched. The lady turned around and stared Gina down with a mean look in her dark brown eyes.
What you want to ask yourself when writing character description (especially for a minor character) is if whether or not listing the small details, like an apron, necessary? And if it is necessary, couldn't you add it later via an action?

A simple way of getting past simple listing is starting with a foundation of your character:

Ex) The lady's brown eyes swept over the girl's appearance, hands on the hips of her thin frame, before turning around, strands of black hair from her messy bun falling into her face.

It gives the reader the gist of the character. After that, you can insert some dialogue/action, and continue adding on to the character. So adding on to my earlier exampleeee ...

Ex) The lady's brown eyes swept over the girl's appearance, hands on the hips of her thin frame, before turning around toward the sink, strands of black hair from her messy bun falling into her face.

"Took you long enough," the lady muttered as Gina sat down on the table. She turned the taps of the sink off with her slender fingers, wiping her palms on the white apron tied around her waist.

Gina murmured a response as she took a seat at the kitchen table, looking at the plate of breakfast in front of her.

The woman took another glance as Gina, shaking her head in disapproval. “So I guess that you aren’t going to anything with your hair?” she asked in a sarcastic, questioning tone.

There was something funny about this statement, Gina noticed, as the woman herself not only had messy hair as well but was still clad in her blue short pajamas.

While not the best example of course, you can see that the description gradually adds on. The same applies for your description of pokemon:
The Pokemon was orange on most of his body. He had a small round head with big brown eyes and a small snout that was painted with a small smile. The inside of his stomach was a cream color as was under the little Pokemon’s tail. At the very tip of the tail a fire burned. It was said that if that fire was to go out, then the small Pokemon would die.
There is a way to get all this information out without having it in a huge chunk of text like that. You want to embed it with some sort of action so it flows with your story and doesn't stick out.

Gina looked at the small, orange lizard, and the small lizard blinked back, his brown eyes shiny and wide. He then sneezed a small sneeze, something that Gina awed at, and proceeded to wipe at his snout with his sharp claws.

"This is charmander," said Professor Oak, gesturing toward the lizard Gina was staring at with a motion of his hand. He poked the being's tan belly, causing the charmander to squeal childishly and smile, the flame on his tail growing brighter.

"I know all about charmander," remarked Gina eagerly. "They say if the fire on the tip of its tail goes out, it dies."

At that statement, the charamander's eyes widened and he quickly flung his tail toward the front, hugging it protectively.
It also gives the pokemon some sort of movement and action so they're just not sitting rocks.

What also seems to be a major issue with you is your choice of telling the reader what is going on rather than showing them:
“Well I only have one choice,” Gina said sarcastically, “I guess that me and Bulbasaur are going to be together then.”

Bulbasaur looked up at Gina with sad eyes. Bulbasaur could tell that Gina really did not want her as a Pokemon. Gina looked down at the little dinosaur-like Pokemon. She was a little disappointed but eventually turned her frown upside down and shot a smile at the Bulbasaur.
This could be a very emotional scene if you chose to show/describe it, something that simply telling cannot do. Don't just tell me that bulbasaur is sad or Gina is disappointed; show me.

“Well I only have one choice,” Gina said sarcastically. “I guess that me and Bulbasaur are going to be together then.”

She huffed a bit, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. The bulbasaur looked up at Gina with sad, blinking eyes, like he were trying to hold back tears at the harsh words. Gina eventually tore her eyes away from the ceiling and shot a quick glance at the bulbasaur in an almost disgusted manner, disappointment across her face. Noticing the weld up tears in her new pokemon's eyes, she mentally slapped herself for acting so childishly, her disappointment quickly washing away and replaced with her own sadness as she gazed into the bright red eyes of the bulbasaur. That sadness eventually turned into happiness at the thought of finally having a pokemon. That small smile brought joy to the bulbasaur who smiled back, revealing tiny but sharp teeth.


Or something ... not ... as ... bad ... as that.

Overall, in terms of plot, it's a very generic, average, cliche beginning. Granted, you did not rush the leaving home scene that most authors of trainer stories do, but there wasn't necessarily interesting or unique that stuck out to me. Trainer wakes up, leaves home, goes to lab, gets pokemon. Nothing unusual. Nothing, well, different. Of course there are plenty of chances to redeem yourself in later chapters, but I want you to be careful that you don't fall down the hole of generic trainer story.
 
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Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
When she made it there, she rolled her eyes again and began to brush you long, blonde hair into wavy

I'm pretty sure you meant to say her.

“I promise,” Gina said sweetly.

Period needs to be a comma. If you say said after speech there needs to be a comma after the last spoken word.

“Oh my gosh,” Gina started, “that would be so much fun, let’s do it!”

Also you don't always have to break your sentences in two. It could be, "Oh my gosh," said Gina. "That would be so much fun! Let's do it!"

On another note, you might want to refrain from always saying, he said, she said, they said, it said. It gets repetitive and annoying.

So far it seems like it is a retelling of Fire Red and Leaf Green with Brian being Red, Gina being Leaf, and Trevor being Blue. Also, I highly doubt Oak would give someone a Pokemon he knew someone else wanted just because they called it.

I think this fanfiction has potential, if it doesn't fall down into clicheness. I would gladly be the first person on the PM list.
 

Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
@ Breezy: Thank you very much for reviewing. I will go back through there and fix those things. I promise that I will try to rid of cliche in the next few chapters. Again, thanks for the review

@ Shadow Lucario: Also thank you for the review, I will fix those mistakes and I'll try to change up the he said, she said thing. Oh I think I realized my problem with some of my stories. I end up being cliche by trying hard to not be cliche. Think I need to quit trying so hard, you know. Oh! I will gladly add you to the PM List!
 

Air Dragon

Ha, ha... not.
Decided to help out by mainly pointing out grammar errors:

“Finally your up!” That same loud obnoxious voice said.

You’re (you are)

She then grabbed a few bright pink burettes and placed them in her hair accordingly.

barettes

“I know,” April said, “so did you ever decide what Pokemon you were going to choose as your’s?”

yours

“Okay,” April said, “now get out of here so your not late!”

Again… You’re (you are)

All in all, the only way i can see you having avoided a generic start is the relationship between the hero(ine) and her mother. But as Breezy said, there are a lot of chances to pull yourself out of this...

Just follow the advice already paved out and you'll do fine.

L@er!

L@er!
 
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Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
@ Air Dragon: Thank you for reviewing. I'm going to try to correct those whenever I get enough time, I promise you that!

@ All: I'm going to start writing the next chapter tomorrow and try to have it out Monday afternoon!

@All: Sorry for the double post but I am going to spend a little more time writing the second chapter to perfect it even more! At least I can get some more reviews hopefully.
 
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