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Gods of an Unown World

Discussion in 'Sign Up' started by PokemonBreederChris, Jan 19, 2010.

  1. PokemonBreederChris

    PokemonBreederChris UnlimitedBlade Works

    Gods of an Un(kn)own World: A pokemon RPG.

    Game Administrator: PokemonBreederChris
    RPG Estimated Start Date:March 6th, 2010
    GM Note: SIGN UPS ARE STILL OPEN!!! (11 Legendaries Left!)

    * It has been good to see, this month, the interest in this RPG. We have enough members, and now are about to start the Role Play. LSU's always accepted, until the last Legendary is taken.

    * This
    * Is A
    * Test to See
    * If I can Breech
    * THE SERVER ERROR!


    ~-~-~-~

    Prologue:


    Everywhere, everywhere vision blurred. Dust littered the skies, flung from the torn crags and craters scattered below. Howling winds slashed across misshapen stone pillars, piercing at the sky. Smoke rose from molten rock cooling, muddied water bubbled as it seeped back into the dirt. Sparks flew rampant against dead charred foliage. Ruins of stone, brick, and iron were buried beneath waves of sand, barely showing the grandeur they once held. The remains of a battle that shook the very foundations of PokeEarth has come to an end.

    This area would never seem to ever hold life, it was a barren wasteland, a graveyard to hope, a harbinger of despair. Yet amidst the dusty skies, a large enigmatic figure was seen, floating. It was looking down at a large crater, dark purple tinted energies swarmed around it. Within the crater a humanoid being - a man - raised to one knee, struggled to stand. He was coughing, panting, his body had given up, but his mind still striving forward; he tried with all its strength to stand against the floating figure, but his limbs remained too weak to stand. The floating figure laughed at the fallen man's failed attempt, and with a smirk raised his hand toward the man.

    A loud whistle sounded as dark energy took a spherical shape in the floating figure's hand, and with a snap, the ball of energy shot straight to the man. An explosion of dust erupted, the Man was propelled up into the air. The floating figure pointed his palm to the man, and gravity ceased around him. The man was floating, though moved around as if he were constricted.

    Coughing up blood, the man spoke. "You'll never succeed! I--others will stop you! Claim you! Control you!"

    The floating figure laughed again, its dark eyes looking straight toward the Man. No word was exchanged from his mouth. Instead a booming voice that echoed across the entire battlefield sounded. <On the contrary, Giovanni, I have already succeeded. I Shall rule this pathetic world, and no one can stop me.>
    The figure stopped, and through Giovanni in an orbit around it. Corpses of creatures occupied the craters. A large whale's tale stuck out from hardened lava. < The earth, the ocean, the skies all bow down to me.>

    Giovanni was thrown into the rockwall of a raised cliff, leaving his own imprint. All around him light, of the purest black, danced around in the shape of lightning. They pounced off the air leaving ripples in their wake.

    <Not even day, or night, life, or death, space, or time could stop me from achieving my goal, I will ressurect him, the one to challenge the Creator.This world will be Mine.> The voice became violent, as it spoke. <You are mere mortal, chasing after a dream you will never achieve.>

    Giovanni, with one feeble arm, grasped his left shoulder. bit his lip, and kept his heavy eyes open. "You will fail...I Created you...You are rightfully Mine." He roared.

    <On the contrary Giovanni.> The floating figure glided over to Giovanni. <It is not I who is rightfully yours, but you who is to be mine.> Giovanni's eyes grew wide, as the enigmatic figure touched his body. A purple flame grew wild, engulfing his body. The figure laughed as the man's body combusted and burnt to ashes.

    <Nothing can stand in my wa-> As the enigmatic figure gloated, backing away from the wild fire he had caused, a brilliant light shot out toward it. The figure turned around dodging it barely. The beam left a burnt mark in the figure's shoulder.

    <You.> exclaimed the figure as from the ruble another humanoid being collapsed; it had used all its energy in that last attack. As the enigmatic figure turned however, its own spell had taken to him. He was burning. His body began to combust.

    <What? No. I cannot be defeated. Never> Roared the booming voice, as another dark sphere grew from the being's palms. The sphere grew and grew, engulfing all light that came to it. The figure created a black hole. Winds violently erupted, rocks began to levitate toward the black hole. The fallen corpses jerked as the black-hole devoured all in its wake.

    A flash of light, then nothing, complete darkness. Echoes of sound danced in the distance. The winds that the black-hole had created began to roar much loader, they screamed with despair. At the nearby coast, waves crashe down on the sandybeaches, shaving away the land every thrash of a wave. The entirety of the world grew violent as this black hole grew and obliterated. A light flashed again, the world erupted in a blanket of white. Absolute silence happened, for only a brief second. This second however felt like eons until a crackling explosion sounded as a cluster of meteors began to fall to Earth.

    ~-~-~-~

    Sirens rang as large balls of fire crashed down into the towering skyscrapers of a proud civilization. crowds of people stood on the streets in a dumbing awe, as people cloaked in red, in white, in blue univorms tried to usher people away - into safety. Giant metalic birds hovered across the city's streets weilding lights and cameras. It was only a brief instance, but out of nowhere, a cluster of meteorites came crashing down all around this proud city. A city full of silent pride, as buildings only grew taller. It was a concrete jungle. From a window overlooking this sudden chaos, stood a man peeking through the blinds.

    The man held a dark smirk over his fine silk suit. He dusted off his shoulders and took hold of his bag. The bag had a company's insignia upon it. Rocket Bio-Genetic Sciences.

    "So, they have finally come..." The man silently said as he closed the blinds.


    ~-~-~-~

    Sparkling light dances around you, as your eyes first open, blinking to adjust. You are alone, you are naked, you are confused, trying to recall only hazy memories. Who am I? Where am I? Why am I here? are all thoughts that go through your head. You try to move your arm, wait, that doesn't feel right....does it? You inspect your feet, your body, your face. Is this me? You try to recall but you can't. You are quite confused, and can't remember anything. You start to feel alienated, you become frightenned, and ashamed, your body, exposed, it does not feel right. Though, something inside you, gives you a feeling of great power, of great enlightment. You take a deep breath...

    You are a God of an unknown world.

    ~-~-~-~

    Synapses:

    Something catastrophic has happened. Where once was a proud city now remains a large crater, a barren wasteland. A great battle has shaken the very foundations of the PokEarth. Something of great Power stirred the pokemon of Legend across the lands, guiding them to these 'now ruins' only to have them fall one by one to to each other and this Power. As the last legendary fell, laughter echoed across the lands. A dark abyss opened, shadow covered the lands. A portal was opened, but to where? A new dimension. You wake up, everything unknown. You are naked and find yourself in a strange world, with no memories, except a strange feeling. A Feeling that you do not belong, that you are something greater, but what, you cannot recall. In this RPG, you set off on a journey of discovery, a journey to uncover secrets of what happened, what this battle was about, who is behind it. However, you are trapped on...Earth.

    ~-~-~-~

    This is a free form, free for all RPG, where you are guided along a set journey but free to make your own decisions on what to do. Who will you make allies, who will you be your enemies? What will you do to find the answers, with only a strange feeling and human instinct to guide you.

    You are a legendary, that has been transformed into a mortal human. You, must now go out, meet others of a similar aura, and uncover the mysterious that surround you and the world surrounding.

    You cannot recall much, but you do have an idea on a few things. You have a feeling that you are not who you are. The reflection in the mirror is you but, at the same time, not you. You might have a reoccurring dream, of dark energy bathing you, giving you serene comfort, and intense pain. Something about you, a power that surrounds you, guides you, calls out to you, acts as a sixth sense. This power is driving you forward, but you can't find reason to it.

    ~-~-~-~

    This pokemon RPG is set in the real world, so the laws of physics, and laws of nature apply. Technology of the Pokemon World does not exist, however a certain company has began to make prototypes of such mechanisms. As for abilities, shooting laserbeams out of the eyes, or conjuring fireballs is not illegal, but I trust that people will use common sense when using them, as most abilities can be double-edges swords.

    The initial setting takes place in New York City, and the surrounding area. It will likely change and go across the other lands of Earth, however that is up to where the members and plot takes us. That is also to say, that at times, this RPG could become cross-dimensional. The beginning of the RPG will be a discovery and growth plot, full of love, betrayal, adventure, and despair. Choose wisely your actions as the smallest thought can have the gravest of consequence.

    ~-~-~-~

    Your character is mortal, with a strange power about them. Your characters will be ''missing in action'' if the Terms of Joining are not followed. I expect that people who sign up, are willing to post with activity. If there is a rut and fall of inspiration to post, I will try hard to rekindle sparks for this RPG.

    ~-~-~-~

    Terms of Joining:
    Follow the standard RPG Forum rules, however, in addition to them, I include these pieces of information. In Joining this RPG, you agree to the following statements.

    1. Activity. It is an issue. No one wants an RPG to die. If you are to be away or are unable to, or even honestly have no inspiration to post, please contact me via PM, and I will work things out with you. If there is no post within 10 days after your last post without you contacting me, then you give rights so that your character will temporarily be an NPC or ''missing in action.''

    2. As the GM, I have the right to "bunny" if it involves with forwarding the plot. I will contact a player first however, for options, as I will not strictly do it without knowledge and thought from the player. I am the master of the past, present, and future. Many events that occurs are finding about what happened right before they awoke in this world. That being said, I will control the ''memories'' of the legendaries based on plot-specific points. However I will not control the actions or anything in the present. I might nudge events to occur for a specific player for the future. I bunnying will rarely occur, except when involving discoveries of the past.

    3. You are allowed, in fact, encouraged to create other characters, ''alternates'' as they are called, or NPCs. I will give you free-verse on any character you create, as I trust you will follow the guidelines and plot of this RPG. However, if you have any doubts you are welcome to drop a PM by me, and I can work things out with you. Sign ups are not required for NPCs, but are preferred. Also depending on the activity and interest in this RPG, I might allow people to play as other Legendaries that aren't taken.



    [Accepted/Pending/Reserved list]


    1. Jirachi - Tumbleweed93 - Hikaru

    2a. Lugia - Cdra1617 - Rain

    2b. Latios - Cdra1617 - "Lars"

    3. Darkrai - The Jewel of Life - Tiana[INACTIVE]

    4. Rayquaza - wolfrain23 - Soul Muzic

    5. Moltres - InnerFlame - Cat

    6. Entei - Tundra_Wolfmane - Runner

    7. Zapdos - Hakerius - Natalie

    8. Suicune - GenericUserName - Setzer

    9. Groudon - TheBlackGlove - Terra

    10. Ho-oh - .:Lemon Tea:. - Teresa

    11. Azelf - greywolf123 - Roderick

    12. Latias - Mimori Kiryu - "Travis"

    Articuno - Reserved PokemonBreederChris



    Available Legendaries:


    Mew -
    Raikou -
    Celebi -
    Regirock -
    Regice -
    Registeel -
    Kyogre - Reserved for CyberBlastoise, until March 6th, 2010.
    Deoxys -
    Uxie -
    Mesprit -
    Heatran -
    Cresselia - Reserved for Tundra_Wolfmane, until March 6th, 2010.
    Phione - Reserved for InnerFlame, until March 6th, 2010.
    Manaphy -
    Shaymin -




    Forbidden Legendaries:

    Palkia
    Dialga
    Regigigas
    Arceus
    Mewtwo
    Giratina




    ~-~-~-~

    Based on your character, I have three ratings Approved, Pending, and/or Denied. If you are approved your character is acceptable to the standards of this RPG. If you are put as pending, you are required to edit before you may be accepted into the RPG. Denial means that your entire character design is rejected. If Denial happens, you are still allowed to participate, you only need a new character design.

    I only allow three pendings per character design, if you fail to edit appropriately the fourth time it is submitted, the character is denied. A custom RPG sample is required for the character if you are on your second and third strike with pending. Well beneath is the sign up form, I hope you have fun and enjoy the RPG. Thank you for stoping by, have fun!

    ~-~-~-~

    Sign up Form:

    Name: ((The title that was given to you when you first ''awakened.'' This could of been given, or thought of by yourself.))
    Legendary: ((The legendary that is your character, available legendaries are shown from the list.))
    Gender: ((As most legendaries are gender-unknown, you can be creative here, with exception to the few gender specific legendaries such as Latios or Latias.))
    Age: ((The biological age of your legendary, how they appear as human. Keep age in range to human life expectancy. Very young or very old is acceptable if given appropriate reason, else keep it a reasonable age.))

    Description: ((The physical appearance of your character; what others see at first glance. In description include your height, your weight, your physique. Hair style and color, facial features, and eye color. Also physical abilities and limitations can go here. Include cosmetics and clothing options as well. Mind you, clothing should be generic, as you are awoken naked. Clothing could be symbolism for the type of legendary or personality.)) Be creative, be descriptive, have quality. [Two paragraphs minimum]

    Personality: ((The internal appearance of your character, the psychology. In personality, include in general how your character acts, feels, and portrays themselves. As even without memories each being has their own unique psyche. Your character's goals, characteristics, hopes, desires, fears and phobias, secrets can be part of their personality. Would they be introverted or extroverted, action before thought, or thought before action? Are they selfish or selfless? What is their philosophy on life, and their morale standings? Do they have any superstitions or quirks about them? Personality can be the most complex of the fields, basically what is required is the generality of who they are mentally.)) Be creative, be descriptive, have quality. [Two paragraphs minimum]

    Origin: ((For the origin, what is required is the ''birth'' of your character. The awakening after the prologue, where your legendary wakes up as Human. Basically, ever waking, in a strange unfamiliar world, with no memories of yourself, how would you survive? You are basically a blank slate at the start. What can go here is the origin of your 'name,' your first few days becoming aware of the world around you, how you are adapting both mentally, physically or socially. Where are they located, The RPG starts around New York City, as the primary setting.The origin of your character, the unique prologue of your character before the story's actual start.)) Be creative, be descriptive, have quality. [Three paragraphs minimum]

    Miscellaneous: ((Any and all extra information, like odd talents or tastes, that would not fit in the other categories, go here))

    Aura: ((The aura is the innate ability of your character in relation to the legendary that you are. The Aura is the only thing that makes the legendaries beyond simple ''human.'' It is something that surrounds them always giving off subtle energies and affecting the environment around them in some way. The Aura itself can only be seen by others that are legendaries, and ignites when another legendary is near by. The aura acts as a sensor in this way. Think of what the legendary stands for, that is what the aura should relate too. The aura should be simple, and nothing life threatening or extreme. The legendaries are mortal and can die. Also, there is an odd tattoo, more so birthmark upon your body, which represents your Aura. Describe to what the tattoo appears, and the location, if it can be concealed or is visible for all to see. This can later evolve into other powers and abilities as the RPG progresses; as for now, keep it simple. Also, as a side note, your Legendary will also inherit some talents unique to them, though I am leaving that up to common sense.)) Be creative, be descriptive, have quality. [one complete paragraph minimum]


    RPG Sample: ((Required only for Reservations. I am looking for quality more than quantity. Dialogue-heavy samples are a turn off, but acceptable. I ask for something with nice descriptors if you can. If you are given pending status for a second time, a freshly made sample is required upon the second edit to test more your writing and RPing skills.)) Be creative, be desciptive, have quality. [Please put in Spoiler Tags]
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2010
  2. PokemonBreederChris

    PokemonBreederChris UnlimitedBlade Works

    [[Place holder for infromation and sign up]]
     
  3. greywolf123

    greywolf123 Well-Known Member

    I would love to reserve latios if you allow reserves.

    Just kind of jotted down a random scene, hope it fits.
    It was a cold clear day in Shinnoh, and that was jsut how he liked it. There wasn't much going on to be exact, it was pretty much clear skies and cold weather. The snow on the ground helped warm it up slightly, but other than that, it was barely about ten degrees. This to be honest was highly uncommon weather. The main reason for that simple fact was it wasn't blizzarding. In fact, it was a very nice day, if not for the frigid cold.

    Such nice weather was wasted on him however, as he grumbled. He would have grumbled if it was a balmy 70 degree day with a nice warming sun. Roderick just grumbled whenever he had to walk anywhere. He didn't like walking, and walking though snow bundled up so tightly as to make it so you couldn't barely move, well, that just made it all the worse. His Pokemon weren't any help either, mainly because quite simply they were unsympathetic to his coldness.

    His Glaceon of course, couldn't care less about the cold. She was out dancing and playing in the snow ahead of him, prompting him to grumble, and he knew that he couldn't really blame her for it. She'd first evolved her, she had good memories of this place, this route. Besides, at least she had a good time. His rapidash was no help either, as a fire type the cold rarely if ever bothered her. He was almost envious of that. Then again, he doubted he actually wanted to be a Pokemon.

    His gear was rather ridiculous too, he had to admit. Snow shoes were about twice as big as necessary, though they did a wonderful job of keeping him above the snow, and he doubted he needed three different coats on, but it worked. He kept trudging down the snowy path, his Rapidash and Glaceon ahead of him, as he mumbed "So, this better be worth it." He was going out to meet someone, so he didn't want to waste his time meeting someone who would prove to be a complete waste of his time.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2010
  4. PokemonBreederChris

    PokemonBreederChris UnlimitedBlade Works

    Greywolf123 - Latios - Reserved until January 23rd, 10:32 pm EST

    --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

    [[Place holder for info and such]]:
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2010
  5. Cyber Robert

    Cyber Robert Shockingly Lovely

    may I reserve? I would like to reserve as Mewtwo, but since that one was forbidden, i will reserve as Kyogre, if that's allright by you.
     
  6. PokemonBreederChris

    PokemonBreederChris UnlimitedBlade Works

    Posting for those who miss this information on the first post.
     
  7. Cyber Robert

    Cyber Robert Shockingly Lovely

    oh come on! fine fine...*though this is the first time I've seen this case*

    RPG Sample:[spoiler="from an rpg i am in]The morning sun had cast its sweet golden glow over a simple yet mysterious little town. On top of one of the buildings sat two figures looking over at the people going back and forth throughout the streets. These figures had not slept the night before as they had a job concerning a young lady feeling a bit skeptical, feeling as though someone, something was watching her. She hired Maxion and his little buddy, Grim, that night as a couple of bodyguards. There was no one following them, or at least no one suspicious. She thanked Maxion and handed him his usual pay. Soon, the young man and his Heartless were off to see if there were any...delayed stalkers just in case, plus the nobody had nothing better to do. After the sun rose above the buildings, the renegade took off with his buddy, both feeling that the woman was at least safe. He lept building to building looking at the town below. Grim was enjoying the view in front, several signs and other things passed by. They even passed a sign showing that some Sea-salt ice cream was having a sale. Maxion agreed with the Shadow and both landed in front of the shop to purchase soom. Soon, the two took off once more to the more lively part of town, where most of the commosion was at. Now all that was left was to kick back and relax on top of another building, enjoying some salty sweet goodness. Suddenly, something caught his attention; it turned out to be one of the organization members, Axel.

    Wonder what he's doing here... thought Maxion. Better keep a low profile. Maxion and Grim with their delicious snacks stayed where they were. Suddenly a young nobody traveled nearby the building up toward Axel, followed by another with some sort of thing floating nearby him. This gets more and more peculiar by the minute as he licked his ice cream, to find out though that he was licking just the stick in the middle. It turned out that while he was distracted his little Heartless buddy took a little more than a taste of his sea-salt ice cream. Maxion couldn't help but chuckle at this. Then he looked back to the Nobodies gathering. "Grim," he stated to his Heartless. "We might want to see what's going on. Who knows? Maybe a little job we can help with. Or perhaps a window of opportunity to see just what the organization is up to." He chuckled to himself once more. "But we better keep to the shadows just in case they spot us." The Heartless nodded seemingly to know what his Nobody was saying. Both of them crept up through the shadows and made sure that no one spotted them.[/spoiler]
     
  8. PokemonBreederChris

    PokemonBreederChris UnlimitedBlade Works

    CyberBlastoise - Kyogre - Reserved until January 24th, 12:46 pm EST
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2010
  9. tumbleweed93

    tumbleweed93 Is on the case!

    This sounds great! Here's my attempt at a sign up!

    Name:Hikaru
    Legendary: Jirachi
    Gender: Male
    Age: 7

    Description: Beacuse of his age Hikaru is only 3"8 and is sweet looking and natured. He has a healthy physique but is quite lightweight and a litttle thin. His hair covers his forehead and eyes and is strawberry blonde and incredibly messy and thick but soft. He has to brush his fringe out of his eyes occasionally, to make sure he can still see properly. He has a few freckles on his face and his eyes are teal, like Jirachi's wish tags. His eyes are quite wide and bright but always look drowsy, and Hikaru yawns alot. His skin is pale, almost completely white, and incredibly smooth, yet resilient, because of Jirachi's steel-like skin.

    At first, Hikaru comes across only one piece of clothing, found in an open bag of clothes intended for charity. This is a hooded jumper that is far, far too big for him and so covers his whole body and drags along the floor behind him. The sleeves are far too long and Hikaru's little fingers can barely be seen poking out of them, quite like Jirachi's actual arms. The hoodie is mustard yellow, the same yellow as Jirachi's ribbons on it's back, though Hikaru does not have these on him. It has a large,deep pouch on the front so Hakeru can carry things in it, usually just objects he becomes sentimentally attatched to rather than anything very useful. He uses the hood as a pillow when sleeping, as the interior is very plushy. The hoodie isn't in great condition but is still thick and warm. It drags along the floor behind him so gets dirty quickly and easily. It is quite like a long robe.

    Personality: Hikaru has the immaturity of a small child, being dependent on others and not really understanding much until it is explained to him and not being able to look after himself very weel, thouhg he knows what he wants. He isn't very demanding and is quite quiet, preffering to nod or shake his head rather than voice his opinion. He conveys his emotions through expressions, his face and eyes especially are very expressive. He is a daydreamer and finds it a little hard to pay attention all the time. He likes to draw, although of course, his talent is very limited to scribbles and doodles. He likes to be carried around rather than walking but isn't lazy really. He can turn most things into something to play with. He isn't very fussy when it comes to food or clothing, but refuses to get rid of his hooded jumper, which he is very attatched to.

    He is very protective of things he gets attatched to, people or objects, and is quite brave, except for when he is confronted with big dogs or spiders, which he is terrified of. He recognises danger and usually will find a safe place to hide. He doesn't like others to get hurt and will try to get them to hide too, usually getting their attention by tugging at their clothes. He likes to explore everything and is quite daring, so will crawl into small, dark places if necessary, thouhg isn't gullible enough to be tricked into it. He is actually quite stubborn with those he doesn't like, thouhg there aren't many people he refuses to get along with, he is quite friendly. He is quite interested in building things, and objects often go missing around him, only to be found stacked in some tower. He is quite mischievous and can be a bit of annoyance to people with a short patience. He nevers misbehaves just to be naughty however, and is well-meaning. He loves to sleep and is a heavy sleeper.

    Origin: Rubbing his eyes, he got up slowly and yawned. Where was he? What was his name? He couldn't remember. He thought deeply, but nothing came to him. This upset him a little. This didn't feel at all right, he couldn't remember anything. Then he realised he was cold. He scanned around. Wherever he was, it certainly didn't seem very nice. It was the back of an alley, between two flats. The first thing he noticed was a plastic bag, with a smiling face on it. He couldn't read the writing, but could make out the letters. They spelt out 'clothes for charity'. He got up and walked unsteadily over to the bag, which was open. He rummaged around and felt his hand brush against something pleasantly plush. He pulled out what he had found and looked at his discovery happily. A mustard yellow hoodie, far too large for him, was what he had found. It felt soft and comforting to the touch, so he decisively pulled it on. It covered his whole body and dragged on the floor, and his fingers only poked out of the sleeve ends. It was comfy anyway. He liked it. Now to find out where he was.

    As he stepped out onto the street a young woman noticed him. She seemed to be in her late twenties and was quite short for her age. She had shoulder length black hair and quite large spectacles, which mad her eyes look very large. She was obviously of asian decent. She had come out of her little flat to put out the rubbish when she had noticed the child in the huge jumper. She called out to him.

    "You okay there honey?"

    He turned and looked at the woman and smiled. She looked friendly and so stept towards her. She had noticed something strange about the child, some kind of odd presence. Something seemed special about him. She spoke to him as he walked unsteadily towards her;

    "What's your name, hm? Do you have a Mummy and Daddy?"

    The little boy shook his head, but somehow, in the back of her mind, she had expected this. The boy had no name, no parents and had a strange presence, like he had just appeared out of nowhere, like he didn't belong. She asked him if he wanted to come inside. He was unsure at first, but the woman seemed genuinely friendly. He took her outstretched hand and she led him indoors. She sat him down at the kitchen table and sat at the other end of it. Then she spoke.

    "So...no name and no parents, huh?"

    He shook his head sadly. Then spoke for the first time. "No...none."

    "Do you want me to give you a name then?" She replied. She was quickly getting attatched to this little boy. He nodded at this and a name sprung into her mind. "How about Hikaru? Where I come from, that means light". The boy smiled and nodded. She smiled too. "Alright then Hikaru, my name is Kimiko. How about you stay with me for a little while?" Hikaru immediately nodded, quite vigorously. Kimiko hadn't a clue why she was doing this, but somehow it felt right, like this child was somehow her responsibility now. Like he was something important and she was supposed to look after him. She supposed she had better give him something to eat. She went over to one of the cupboards. She began to speak to ask him what he wanted when she realised he was rummaging through cupboard directly below her. He pulled a tin of chicken soup out of it with his hands covered by his sleeves and looked right up into her eyes. "Soup it is then" she said, bending down and picked Hikaru up. Somhow, this felt right.

    Miscellaneous: Hikaru's vocabulary is pretty limited and he has trouble making complete sentences when speaking, so he won't always make sense.

    Aura: Hakeru's aura provides a warmth and comfort that makes others, and himself feel happy and comfortable. With it comes a special ability, reffered to as his 'simple wish ability'. This can be used to conjure up minor things, food, water etc. These things do not belong however and dissapear after a while, as if they were never there. The things he conjures up are usually faulty or acking certain things, and if he has never seen the thing before it will be a childish mockery of the real thing. His other powers are based on Jirachi's psychic powers. His first is telepathy, which gives him limited access to other people's thoughts, this power has a very limited extent and Hikaru hasn't yet learned to turn it on and off when he wants. His other power allows him to move objects a bit with his mind, usually just light things, as again he isn't trained in using these abilities. He has a teal mark of a wishtag on his forehead, but this is usually covered by his long hair. His aura is teal and pale yellow and formsa a vague star shape around him.

    Hope this is suitable!
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2010
  10. .:Lemon Tea:.

    .:Lemon Tea:. Crystallized decay

    Reserving Ho-Oh if possible :p

    The italicized, are mostly Len's thoughts. If they're in the blue color, they're Tsukuyomi's thoughts inside Len's head.
    ----

    Lenneth (Len) Davidson

    ***​

    The faint trickling of water on her face awakened with a start. She looked around only to see darkness around her, engulfing her like a raven-swept cloak. Her eyes widened at this sight, because of curiosity, not fear. She seemed a bit afraid to say the least, but the most definite expression on her face was that of inquisitiveness. Gently, she reached out to touch her face to wipe away the small, translucent river that should be flowing down her face, but her heart skipped a beat when she saw her hand. The once pale flesh was now invisible to her, she could still feel that her hand was there, but her sight allowed her to see nothing.

    Surprised aren’t we?


    She opened her mouth to ask what the meaning of this was, but nothing flowed up. She whimpered in her mind and tried again. Nothing came out. Nothing at all.

    Would you like to see your face dear one?

    She nodded her head, or at least she would have seemed to be nodding her head, if she was still visible. Yes, fear was in her mind, fear of the fact that when she saw her expression it would be nothing but an abyss of black in the reflection of the mirror, but she needed to know this if this was the truth.

    As she was expecting a mirror, a watery surface appeared. It was pure, silvery, and definitely clear enough to see a reflection. Strangely enough, it let a small aura of a luminous light; that was enough to illuminate the surface. She suspected that this was the so-called 'mirror', and the girl gently went into a kneeling position by the puddle, or what she thought to be a kneeling position if she could see her body.

    She peeked shyly over the side and saw herself-Len-illuminated back at her. The black hair was still on her head and so were her amber eyes. They fit perfectly on the pale moonlit skin on her face, and she still was flesh and bone. The surprised, gentle face was reflected back to her like a mirror image.

    What is this? She thought, gazing back at her reflection. She was invisible and then she was not?

    You should have more trust in yourself, dear child. You are alive and well, or you wouldn’t be able to think. Do you really need a measly reflection on a shallow puddle to believe that you are truly alive? You breathe and you hear in this place. You can wipe the tears on your cheek, despite the fact that you did not see your hand.

    You are alive, and so am I.


    She felt astonished that her thoughts had been heard by whoever it had been and suspicion aroused in her body. Who exactly are you?

    The euphonious voice rang out again with the same strong conviction and sorrowful tone the first time she heard it. It had a feeling of humor to it, but it seemed more wistful and deep than sarcastic and daunting. Whoever it was seemed regretful and wise at the same time, and it was definitely male with its deep, monophonic tone.

    I am the one who looks at the deer in the forests.

    I am the one who sees the humans inside their skyscrapers which pale in comparison to the mountains in my world.

    I am the one who is the overseer of Earth, I see the humans, the species you belong to.

    I see their contempt to the world around them.

    But I also see their goodness.

    I can see the constellations of the universe, but at the same time, I can see the livelihood of Earth. I am the one people see as a beacon of light that shatters the dark sky. I gave you this light in the water dear child, just as I have given many the guidance they needed when they looked up. You can laugh at this yes, but knowing you, you will not. I do not know if I found you or you found me, but I do know this is the start.

    So dear child, will you lend me your power?



    September 3, 2008
    The First Day of School


    Len woke with a start as if a lightning bolt had hit her. Her alarm hadn’t gone off quite yet, and she realized she was sweating. She carefully touched her head tentatively, and saw that her hands were still intact to her body. She peered at the glassy plastic on her alarm clock, and felt reassured that she still looked like herself. A relieved sigh was heard, and she was back to the normal, calm Len like always. The clock showed that it was almost 6:30 in the morning, and she shut off the alarm on her clock that was about to ring any second. She was already wide awake without its help.

    She climbed off of the cotton blue sheets of her twin bed and headed towards the bathroom to brush her teeth and get ready for the first day of school. Strange dreams were rare, but school was one of the things that never changed from her schedule, and something that probably wouldn't change for a long time to come. With that in mind, she went to take her shower.

    The lights flickered on in the bathroom, and she began the daily routine of brushing her teeth and washing her face along with doing what everyone pratically did to get ready in the mornings. She went to her closet, shedding her silk nightgown and donned on her uniform. She combed her hair in the mirror, and it wasn't a huge deal as it was to other people for it stayed silky and straight without the help of a brush. Although she didn’t really care for facial products, she somehow managed to have skin free from blemishes and soft too. Len didn't look anything like a primma donna, but she managed to maintain her look the best she could. Without even knowing it, she had an elegant aura about her without spending too much time on her face and look, and that was something she knew but never understood for she was just being herself.

    As she exited her bedroom, she took in the faint smell of oak for the last time and headed downstairs for breakfast.

    She grabbed a donut on the table, for despite the fact that her parents rarely bothered about her, they often provided breakfast to her on weekdays. They rest was up to her on what she wanted to eat, for they wouldn’t be home for dinner, and sometimes her father slept in the hospital. It was the reason why a crisp 20 dollar bill was there, for her to buy food at school and for dinner at her convenience since they understood that she rarely ate with her grandmother whose oriental cooking left a faint aftertaste of grease or chilies. Her grandmother didn't actually mind though, saying that it was easier 'making a meal just for one' or telling her that she had been 'Americanized'. It was obvious that she was a little hurt by that, so Len often sacrificed and ate the Asian cuisine that was so spicy that it burned her lips. Len ate dinner with her grandmother, but just made a different meal most of the time.

    Len put the donut in her mouth, and grabbed her backpack that she prepared the day earlier with the much needed essentials of school which included 2 binders and notebooks along with a full pencil pouch. Her backpack also contained her recreational means including her iPod and cell phone, and she also put the twenty dollars in her wallet which was inside the backpack also. With that, she took off her slippers and wore her new brown Converses along with grabbing the key into the house. She was heading out.

    ***​

    Len wasn’t particularly excited about arriving at school. She knew the campus well enough along with some people in her grade level that she wasn’t nervous with butterflies in her stomach like some of the freshmen on her first day. With school, it was a love-hate relationship to Len. She liked some of the classes well enough that she wanted to walk through the gate and onto the crisp white path up to school, but at the same time, school was rather bothersome and annoying in more ways than one.

    Despite the fact that many people complained about wearing a uniform, Len didn't really mind, and actually liked to wear one. It kind of gave the sense that people looked the same (mostly) clothes-wise, and kind of gave off the sense of unity. She would rather wear pants though, since she wasn't particularly fond of wearing a skirt, but that wasn't a huge issue.

    Most people seemed to be chatting with their friends about one thing or another, and Len quickly glanced at her cell phone for the time. She gave a small sigh, it was only 7:40 and knowing her friends, they wouldn’t be here until the bell actually rang (some of them were probably still in traffic and making it to the school, which she was lucky not to experience, but for others, she knew they slept too late on the first day), but she honestly didn’t really mind being alone.

    And so, she waited and started to do what any other bored person would do-which was listen to her iPod and let the music engulf her. Her mind soared from different topics, from who her teachers were to the murky darkness of the dream she had.

    ----

    Its rushed in the middle about her daily rountine in the morning, also sorry if the meeting with her Persona isn't the way it they're supposed to meet in a dream, along with the fact that its kind of confusing. Hope you get the point though, and I hope I didn't give too much information away.
     
  11. cdra1617

    cdra1617 Not a Seadra

    Reserving Lugia pl0x0rs. And yes my sample is from the Bleach RPG for brownie points. xD

    Hueco Mundo. Such a desolate, dull place, the quartz-trees standing like pathetic ghosts of true trees, the kind Alba remembered from the real world. From atop a large stone even, one could see far into the Hollow world, over the depressingly flat desert. Its perfect plane was disturbed only by a few boulders, such at the one Alba had mounted, and some mountains to the far distance. A castle sat somewhere in that distance, in some direction, but Alba had so tried to loose track of it that she had only a vague idea of its location.

    The Arrancar woman glanced at the dull purple sky, her ice blue eyes matching its dullness. Such a depressing world... but she had to stay here in order to keep herself "fed", for she did not want to eat the souls of humans if at all avoidable. In fact, Alba didn't want to kill anyone who had done her no harm; that was her mindset for the time. But as volitale as she was, that may change on a dime. At the time she felt more pulled against Aizen-sama, yet Alba could not make herself truly want to oppose him. Confused, she looked into the distance blankly as the mild wind of Hueco Mundo made her ponytails lift and flow behind her, a vestige of her Hollow wings, the ones she had lost when she became an Arrancar.

    But in the midst of this dreary, silent landscape, Alba suddenly felt something unusual. It came suddenly, causing the Arrancar to look suprised for a moment, turning sharply towards the sense. What appeared before her resembled a Garganta opening, yet there was something... different about it. Panicking that another Arrancar was on her tail, Alba sniffed the air, an old Hollow power that had never truly left her, only to find that the scent was by no means Arrancar. She leapt to her feet, poised atop the rock she had mounted, slightly defensive at the strong spiritual energy coming through the near-Garganta.

    The woman who stepped out looked somewhat human, but Alba now recognized that she was a shinigami, or a former one at least. Before the Arrancar stood a dark skinned woman wearing an orange shirt and tight black pants, plus another tight black shirt under the original orange. Her long purple hair was tied up in a high ponytail. Alba remained defensive, yet curious as to why this woman had shown up. She pointed sharply at the new arrival. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

    The woman was perfectly calm and straightforward, but her seriousness was slightly unnerving. "You are to come to the Urahara Shouten in Karakura Town with me. A force is rallying there."

    Alba was suprised. What what she saying? What sort of force would be meeting in Karakura Town... but one that would oppose Aizen-sama? She looked shocked, still incredibly tense. A shinigami asking her to come along... it was almost unbelievable. Yet it was happening. Alba tried to laugh it off, like it was some sort of joke. "You're kidding, right? With you? You're asking me, and Arrancar, to come with you?" her laugh was hysterical, fearful, and most of all confused. Yet in Alba's disbelief, the woman just stood stonelike, looking seriously at her.

    Restraining herself, Alba stopped laughing, though she was still tense and definately still in shock. She took a moment to calm her mind and think. Something was pulling at her heart, like this was something she had to do, something that -- even though Aizen-sama may denounce her for it -- she wanted to do. She became serious as well, her expression mildly usure and nervous. "...when do you want me there?" she said, her voice unfaltering.

    The purple haired woman smiled slightly, as if she had accomplished her mission. Her tone remaining serious, she replied, "It would be best that you come now." Alba closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She wasn't quite sure how this was going to go, but she knew she had to do this. Karakura town had become her second home, where she had watched students and thought of how happy her life had been compared to being a Hollow. But would she... would she have to work with shinigami? How awkward. Alba wasn't sure about that part of this little escapade.

    The Arrancar nodded, slightly nervous. "Fine. I'm not busy." The other woman nodded back and walked into the almost-Garganta; Alba followed quickly in order to remain undetected. It wasn't very different from a Garganta, she observed, but it wasn't the same thing either. This was made from something other than an Arrancar... it was manufactured by some other force. It was only an instant until the hole opened overy an obscure spot in Karakura Town.

    Alba and the woman stepped out onto the roof of a small, humble little shop. Suddenly, the Arrancar spoke up. "Hey, this thing involves shinigami, doesn't it? Whatever those fake bodies you guys use -- don't think I haven't seem 'em -- I need one. I'm not going to show myself to a bunch of shinigami with my mask on... they'll kill me on site." She was very serious about this; Alba knew well that Shingami didn't really accept Arrancar. She didn't want to be lead into some kind of trap, so she felt that if this woman wasn't tricking her she'd help her out on this matter.

    The dark skinned woman nodded. "Come with me," she said, going to the side door of the shop and knocking. Alba followed and watched as the door was answered by a very large and imposing man. Alba looked mildly frightened by him and simply followed the woman from before, watching the man has his eyes followed her. She walked quickly around him as her leader did, very obviously unnerved. Alba kept behind the serious woman as she walked into a room where a man with a hat waited.

    "Wait here." The woman stated as Alba entered the doorway. Unable to go anywhere, she just stood and watched as they spoke, then the woman beckoned her and Alba hustled over to them quickly, though there was no respect in her haste.

    The hat man looked at her, serious but much more light hearted than the woman from earlier, and said, "So... you need a gigai?" He seemed rather odd, wearing a green and white striped hat plus a matching dark green robe hanging open over a green tunic and pants. He held both a cane and a fan and had short blonde hair.

    Alba nodded silently, looking him in the eyes. "Yeah, if that's what those false bodies are called. I'd rather not get attacked by overtly hasty shinigami."

    "Oh?" the man said, fanning himself. Alba looked dully at him and nodded again. "Well, I can lend you one, but you'll have to pay for it..." he held the fan up near his mouth, covering much of his face. "And since you don't have any money, Arrancar-san, you'll have to work around the shop to pay for it."

    Alba was obstinate. "Wha-what?" she scowled slightly. "No way." she had no intention of working at the shop! She wasn't really sure what she was doing here in the first place! This mindset was too brief and shortly after blurting that out she thought of something, that maybe even if she wasn't going to stick around it'd be nice to get them to trust her somewhat. Shrugging it off, she glared at him.

    The man continued to fan himself and tsk'd. "Whatever will we do then... you can't go out in front of them without a gigai, no?" Alba grumbled something. He continued, "I'll make you a deal then. If you can answer my riddle, you can have a gigai for free. If you can't you have to work in the shop. Is that fair?" He was taking all of this as a joke...

    Alba grinned. She could agree with taking the risk; she was fairly confident she could win a battle of wits. "Alright, fine." she crossed her arms and listened.

    "Forewards I am heavy, but backwards I am not." Alba scratched her chin in thought. She closed her eyes, so she didn't notice the exasperated expression of the purple haired woman and the smugness of the blonde man.

    After a short time she seemed struck by and idea and said, "Gravity!" The man shook his head and Alba looked flustered. Dang, she thought, I've lost. "No way." she said, hoping he was just joking with her.

    "The answer is 'Ton'." he said simply, closing his fan. Alba scowled.

    "Well f***." she said under her breath so that no one could hear her. Knowing she had lost, Alba threw up her hands in a motion of surrender. "Fine, get me a gigai and a broom then." She seemed mildly upset, but the man just smiled, easygoing, and went into the back.

    A short time later, Alba was in her new gigai, sweeping the shop to get used to it plus pay for it. This would all work out for the better, she figured; she could get them to trust her this way. The Arrancar mumbled as she cleaned, flustered that she hadn't been able to get the riddle correct. With no mask, no hollow hole, and no purple dots on her face, Alba felt a little strange. It was odd to have so many things about her missing. However, she did find that the simple oversized black hoodie, situated over a bright blue shirt, and jeans she had been provided with were very comfortable. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad... Alba sighed as she continued to sweep, grumbling and waiting for the other arrivals the hat-man had hinted at.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2010
  12. wolfsrain23

    wolfsrain23 Oh noes.

    Gah! Stupid internets! I was so close to Lugia (had a good Idea too)!

    Oh well. Rsv me Rayquaza please

    This is from an RP On another Forum which I wrote about a day agi |3
    “Y-Yeah” The Rattata mumbled in reply “I... I mean it wasn't my fault! Those demons, it’s all their fault...”she trailed off fiddling with her scarf again “They ruined everything...”

    The Charmander rolled his eyes. *Demons*. He couldn’t believe the Rattata believed in it too. He was supposed to believe that these so called *Demons* that arrived here captured others in their spheres, making them their slaves? What’s next, brain eating aliens? Maybe this Rattata was just a loon like the rest of them.

    “Silence, silence everybody.” A voice projected over the crowd, derailing his train of thought. Squinting his eyes to see the from of the crowd, he noticed the speaker was an Exploud. Immediately, Tobias was glad he had sat on the outskirts of the crowd. Even here, it sounded as though the Pokemon was right next to them.

    “About time.” Tobias sighed, crossing his arms and leaning further against the trunk of the tree

    “You all know why you are here today, but before we begin I would like to introduce you all to the Pokemon that will be speaking here today. Firstly we the elders, Samantha the Noctowl, Adrian the Parasect, Lin the Golduck, David the Alakazam and of course myself Matthew. Now the champions Justice the Gallade, Karma- sorry, Lisa as she prefers to be called the Lucario and Misfortune the Umbreon. Last but not least is Philip a representative of the Pelipper clan explorers.”

    Tobias surveyed each of the Pokémon on the stage. They didn’t look to special, and their introductions weren’t either. “Oh yeah!” The Charmander exclaimed, looking up at the Rattata with a grin. “I almost forgot my own intro. I’m Tobias.”
    __________________
     
  13. PokemonBreederChris

    PokemonBreederChris UnlimitedBlade Works

    Tumbleweed's Sign up Evaluation

    Alright, first thing: the Candy fields. Jirachi, fun pick; and with that pokemon, the age is interesting. Though, I have 'Bolded' the categories of the sign up, it makes things much better to read and organize. However, your name "Hikaru" is not "Hikaru" throughout the sign up. You also have "Hakeru" as the name for most of the sign up. Which name is he, Hikaru or Hakeru? Also, why would this name come to him? But that query is for later down the Sign up.

    On a side note about the age: I am wary on how you might portray the age. Being five years old, alone, might make people talk, and well, I would think a five year old wouldn't be good inependantly, and would require some sort of Aide. Aide thus can be an NPC of yours or something, maybe someone who finds him in the Origin, and sticks with him due to a series of strange events.

    For description, I would ask for more details, and embellishments. For one thing, "Is very short and cute," that needs more explanation. As the saying goes, 'cute' could be another's 'trashy.' And very short, is what? I am 6'2", five feet and five inches, that is very short to me. To a basketball player, my height could be considered "very short" to them. Since I know the age you placed is five, I can assume how you meant "very short," but all I can say is write like you are explaining it to a martian that has never been to Earth before, or something like that. Same thing with weakling, it is unneeded. You can explain it just by talking about his physique which you did in the sentence after.

    Hair style and freckles are fine. As for the teardrops under the eyes, I know you probably did not mean this, but it is a tattooed symbolism for people most found in prison. It means that they have killed someone, I think. So it is nothing big, but perhaps it could be slightly revised. Eyes are alright, though "droopy" would be a better word to use instead of "sleepy."

    As for the skin, I would prefer a revamp of it. Pale skin is fine, but what is "incredibly smooth" at the same time "tough?" They contradict each other in this wording. The texture of the skin cannot be both at the same time. He could have resilient skin, while still being smooth. Perhaps that is what you meant by ''tough.'' I picture "tough" as more of a "rough hardenned" skin. I've always thought the yellow ''star bits'' of Jirachi the 'steel' form of it, but that is my oppinion. I think the last sentence about stainless steel is not needed, if anything that could go to the miscellaneous section. Also stainless steel is not immune to dust or dirt, it can still collect the small particles. He can still get dirty, stainless steel is named that for it cannot rust.

    For your clothing in description; I'd prefer a revamp of it. One reason, his ''wish granting ability'' which I will talk more about in the Aura section. Clothing could be what the character found right at the Origin, but I'm more looking for the style if anything. I found it cute with the oversized hoodie. Though I can't picture a little boy wearing ribbons, but that could add to the cute factor and be a magnet to the ladies. Later on, is currently not needed either. That could be edited into later in the RPG. I think simply discussing the style is needed.

    For description, I would like more details all across, even though most of it is acceptable. I did find your description enjoyable as well, as I got a nice image in my head, and could picture some of the personality based on the description. That which made me chuckle. Description is acceptable with exception to the few things I pointed out, but description still can be better. Adding detail is always a plus.

    Ok, *claps hands* Now for the personality. Your character is young as you have pointed out. With little age, comes naivity, curiousity, ignorance, and an uncanny passion that never seems to tire. That is what I get when you say "very young," but as you said "is very short and cute" I think it should be reworded. "Very" is not a good word to use, as it implied a large measurement, but an unknown assumingly large measurement. The reader can tell the user is young, but instead of stating that, state the maturity of the character. The maturity is the mental age of the person.

    Also, your dependant nature: another reason for him to have an Aide. He's an attention seeker, so it seems, and I can see him being impish to a degree trying to bring eyes towards him, both negatively or possitive. I don't see curious and dependant as a 'shy' personality either. Sure he can be introverted in situations, but as you said ''he cries a lot," proves to me that he is simply an attention seeker and not shy to get this attention. I would disagree that he would be able to look after himself in basic instinct. Basic instinct is finding food, water, shelter, and having sex. The 'Flight or Fight' responses. You are dependant on your parent until you mature in both body and mind, roughly around adolescents, in order to ''fend for yourself." His personality cries "needy," so I think "being independent" is false. I suggest a heavy revamp on that.

    As for the "simple wish" ability again; that COULD be the thing that provides him with his most basic needs, food, water, shelter, but I would not think he would have the mental capacity for it. He could simply be "Hungry, thirsty, tired." This is acceptable, as everyone can tell when their body is trying to say something to them, I just don't find that an excuse for him to be able to live alone.

    This paragraph started grammatically confusing, but I think I understand what you meant. Though he's quite selfish in being needy, he really wants to help others? Well you can be selfish and still want to help others. I think from what you wrote though that he would not sacrifice, his needs come first before others. So this "wanting to help" nature contradicts with your first paragraph. You can either be selfish or selfless, you can't be both. You can be one, with a little of the other, but it all comes down to the question "If death is involved, would you help yourself before another, or another before yourself?"

    Maturity comes into play in this paragraph as I can see "so young," it is acceptable, but instead of mentioning the youth, talk about the maturity, the mental youth. When you talk about "young" you are more referring tot he physical youth. He is very gullible, but wants to help, that is a deadly combination, as he won't understand if someone wants him to jump off a bridge, which he will do, based on how you described his personality. He lacks common sense. Some people might lack common sense, as it is their character, but how your character lacks it, could be deadly in this RPG. As i had said, your legendary COULD die, at the most easiest of choices to make. One must be very wary. Phobias are nice, but you do not need the bit "which scare him badly." By saying phobias, we already know they terrorify him.

    Overall, I think your personality could use a heavy revamp, think things over, and put yourself into your character's shoes to see how they would react to situations based on their personality. Although you got what a five year old could be like, I think you should add more detail. Perhaps add alittle more aggression into it, as he is a boy, and five year old boys act alot differantly than five year old girls. Take what I said, and improve or create an entirely new personality, as I believe this needs heavy work.


    Ok, well I can't really comment on the Origin stories with exception to "no you can't do that!" or "Here's a good way to come about an idea," but I found somethings that did not settle with me. First thing, being how he randomly thought of the name. It is possibly, but I would think more something would need to trigger the name; like what if he saw a shooting star, which for reasons unknown was significant to him? Or, perhaps he found litter on the ground depicting a brandname which he adopted it as his name. I can't accept that he just randomly out of the blue came up with the name. How the human mind works, there need to be triggers, both subconscious and conscious.

    Also, the "I wish" bit, its acceptable, but superficial. I will talk more about this power in the Aura section. I find it more of a filler for the origin, though it describes the first start of his ''power.'' If anything I would like to see reaction to it. He just saw it magically appear, and took it. I personally would be like "What the heck?!" in heavy suprise. He just seems to lax, even from waking up with a sense of amnesia, he just seems too calm, he needs more emotion. Sure he could be lazy to do anything because a sudden drop in energy making him drowsy, but you did not convey that. For sleepiness, you just made him go to bed. It does not sound ''real'' to me, so with that I think some revamping is needed. Add more realism to your Origin. Add emotion.

    Ok, what I saw was, he woke up, did exploration to a convienantly placed store, which he so easily BROKE into, and it was already fully stocked with things that made him happy? He then went to sleep soundly again, in a strange place. A place, to a child's eyes would be very scary and intimidating in my oppinion. For one thing, the cat you mentioned could be of more significance, perhaps the reason to his name or something? The cat else is just to lable what the location is. You need to add more realism into your origin, and not make things so easily available and linear in his path.


    So he wakes up again, it has been two days now since he first woke up. Though now he is hungry? He has figured what the human body is telling him. An ok end to the origin, so no complaints, and he found a friend in the cat. I think though more work needs to be done in the previous posts.

    From your signup, I found quite a few things that could go here. There is never a "nothing," there could be an N/A as in ''ignore" but you could always find SOMETHING to put.


    Your power, I like the idea, the concept, however the affect of his abilities, the Wishing skills, I disagree with. Sure he could have a trigger word as "I wish..." Then something happens, but I found it too powerful. Wishing is a powerful magic to say, it altars reality to fit the wish. So in a way, he's altaring space whenever he creates something new. Sure you said minor things, but powers are to grow, and minor will soon become major. I think you should tone this down A LOT. Maybe he can summon material things only temperarily, as then they ''fade away'' as they don't belong in reality. That and what he summons would be cartoonish childish mockeries to fit his mind. He wouldn't be able to summon sophisticated things if he didn't have complete focus. Psychic powers are acceptable, but I would like you to give more detail to them in what they do. Basically I would like to see more drawbacks on your powers and more detail.

    Tumbleweed93:

    Overall, your sign up has a few things per each section that could use some work on it. So I am to give you a Pending until you read what I reviewed and fixed. Since this is your first Pending, I will give you a three day ''Pending reservation'' to fix things up before resubmitting. Thank you for your interest, and if you need help or have any other questions, Visitor or Private message me. Your character was fun to read minus some of the mistakes. I enjoyed it and it gave me a nice image of your character. As for now however....Pending.

    -~-~-~-~

    Tumbleweed93 - Jirachi - Pending, has till January 22nd, 11:00 pm EST
    .:Lemon Tea:. - Ho-oh - Reserved until January 24th, 06:59 pm EST
    Cdra1617 - Lugia - Reserved until January 24th, 08:53 pm EST
    Wolfsrain23 - Rayquaza - Reserved until January 24th, 10:27 pm EST
     
  14. The Jewel of Life

    The Jewel of Life A Gift From Arceus

    Wow! This is a thrilling plot unlike nearly every other roleplay I've seen. Yeah, I haven't seen that much. Very original to me at least. I think I'm going to go for a character of an opposite gender than is normally assumed; that should be fun to play as.

    Name: Tiana

    Legendary: Darkrai

    Gender: Female

    Age: 28

    Description: 'Tiana' is of an average build for a twenty-eight year old woman, if not just a little bit underweight or- as viewed in current society -'perfect' weight. While she is far from having a super-model body, Tiana has a decent amount of development, more so in the rear however. Thick and just slightly wavy white (oh... guess my sources were wrong) runs down Tiana's back while a few short curls fall over her icy-blue eyes. Tiana's eyelashes are gloriously thick, however they are also shorter than usual, which detracts from thier splendor a little. Below that, Tiana has a normal-sized nose that is a touch on the pointy side and lips that have the skin peeled slightly in places where she bit them. Because Tiana's hair is thick, she lets it cover her ears and so they are not often seen, save for maybe the round tips peeking out from behind a lock of hair. Some people might find Tiana to look unusual because of her unnaturally pale skin- very light peach with most of the color concentrated around her face and those other areas that are typically darker such as parts of her hands and places where the veins are close to the surface. This pale skin has a huge downside though- it burns easily and although she has only been in this world for a few moments, Tiana already has a red hue to her exposed shoulders because of the bright burning of the sun.

    While at first Tiana awakened naked, she felt utterly exposed and rumaged about- trying not to be noticed while doing so -and found some tattered black cloth. She wrapped this around herself in a dress-like fasion, concentrating most of her meager clothing around the more 'private' areas of her body. The finished product was a sleeveless and crudely-made dress with a few tears and exposed skin on the belly as well as a mutilated base that reached down to around the area of Tiana's knees. Figuring that this is only going to be temporary, Tiana plans to get something to cover her feet when finding more permanent clothes, as she found nothing that would work like a shoe.

    Personality: Tiana is actually quite kind and helpful, possibly willing to lend a hand to one of the other 'legendaries'. It must be kept in mind though, that Tiana is at the same time trying to help herself so if someone, legendary or not, gets too annoying or clingy, she may yell at them as a result of a quick temper. This feature of her personality also means that Tiana can become very angry for unexplained or not-very-well-explained reasons and will act dissapproving or unreasonably cruel to someone she has just met or doesn't even know at all. However, if you become Tiana's friend, she will trust you and act more kindly and leniant more of the time. Although, even those who are Tiana's friends sometimes get her riled up because she is simple an easily angered- and easily offended -person.

    First impressions are always important, and Tiana is particularly careful to make sure she does a good job with them. Usually though, her reactions to a new person are merely an act she puts on to appear as a better person. When first meeting someone, Tiana tries her best to act friendly and puts forth as much effort as she can to not appear mean or let her temperful side show its face. Also, strange urges sometimes come to Tiana, especially around others that share her unusual background, that may or may not change her first opinion of them (for example, if she meets the character that was once Cresselia, Tiana will have an uncontrolable urge to despise that person). These events though, are as rare as the transformed legendary pokemon and do not occur often, leaving Tiana as she hopes to be seen- normal.

    Origin: When Tiana awoke, she was confused and frustrated to the point at which she could hardly think rationally. Unable to decide who she was or how she came to be where she was, Tiana made up her mind and went off to find something, anything that she could use to cover up her exposed body. It took a couple minutes of surveying her surroundings to find something that would work. As it turned out, Tiana had awakened just inside an alley, and fortunately out of the view of passers-by. Tall office buildings gleaming with windows extended upward from plain, concrete walls that surrounded the alleyway and a large dumpster propped up against one of those walls. Next to the dumpster were a few abandoned crates with some torn pieces of black cloth lying around them in small heaps. Thinking that these torn-up and unused pieces might work, Tiana took a few and wrapped up her body conserving cloth by making a sleeveless dress that she made to go as low as her knees where the most mutilated parts were. Now there seemed to be only one thing missing- a name. Searching around again, Tiana noticed the sleeve of a child's jacket that had been thrown away sticking out of the dumpster. Taking it out, Tiana found that it was still labled; 'This jacket belongs to Tatiana Wakerson.' After seeing that, Tiana decided that she could adopt that name, taking away some letters though to form 'Tiana', so that her name was different from the one she found. After that, it took a while for Tiana to figure out what to do.

    While she didn't expect anyone elso to have shared a similar experience as her, Tiana knew that there had to be someone out there that could help her out and be a friend. Peeking out cautiously, Tiana observed the world outside the alley for the first time. Tall buildings surrounded the entire street which was coated in cars of all different colors, shapes and sizes. Connecting to the alley was a wide sidewalk with lamp posts here and there and people who mostly just hurried along. Taking a deep breath Tiana walked out onto the sidewalk and began heading along, ignoring the stares she recieved because of her odd 'clothing' and looking only ahead at the seeminly endless city before her. But Tiana was not able to keep this up for a while as she was getting more and more nervous with every step she took, Tiana wanted to escape again and took a few quick glances to the side so that she could find another alley to hide in.

    After taking a few more steps along the sidewalk Tiana found another safe alley and took a few steps down it. Here Tiana met some new faces- the aptly named alley cats. There were three of them, a ginger tabby with white feet was cleaning its paws next to a solid black cat who was munching on an unappetizing chunk of garbage from a nearby dumpster. The third cat was striped grey with a white tipped tail, and was asleep on an abandoned crate. As soon as she approached, the two cats that were awake began to meow and hiss, but a few advancing steps by Tiana made them run away like angry cowards, yet for some reason the grey cat remained sleeping. Sad and desperately needing a friend, Tiana tenatively reached out and began to run her finger's through the cat's fur. While it still refused to wake, something else happened to this apparantly very tired cat. It began with a simple twitch, and then a few more, and by now Tiana had removed her hand and backed up a foot. Then the cat began to move its legs and thrash in its sleep until finally the cat jumped awake and, startled by the presence of a human, meowed loudly and ran off. Now Tiana was severely confused. Why did that cat have a nightmare- or so it seemed. Could Tiana have caused that? No, that would be impossible. But still, Tiana grew even more depressed and frustrated, falling back against the wall and stretching out her legs to think. Almost ready to cry, Tiana asked herself who am I, and what can I possibly do to survive?
    (Yes, cats are random. But I like cats~)

    Miscellaneous: Alley cats hate her. No, nothing else needs to be said.

    Aura: As she discovered when meeting the grey cat in the alley, Tiana has an the ability to cause those who are sleeping nearby her to have nightmares. Or rather, Tiana always causes sleeping people and animals to have nightmares whether she wants to or not. Tiana's aura is black and seen by other legendaries as long tendrils extending from her body and wavering slightly, with tiny, glowing hints of red scattered about. On the palm of her left hand, Tiana has a black spiral that is thin and forms a point on the two ends, while its 'center' is about a quarter of an inch thick. Her aura causes minor feelings of depression to people around Tiana, and even Tiana herself.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2010
  15. Kyira

    Kyira Insane, but fun.

    I'd like to reserve as suicune please.
     
  16. tumbleweed93

    tumbleweed93 Is on the case!

    I've heavily edited my SU and hopefully it is somewhat improved!
     
  17. PokemonBreederChris

    PokemonBreederChris UnlimitedBlade Works

    The Jewel of Life's Evaluation:

    Kyira - Please read the thread, and you will see the answer. You are lacking an important piece of information on your request to resever.

    Shinichi Misao - Shinichi, I will get to your sign up in next post. I believe it might go beyond the character limit of the post, and I have more information to post regarding the Aura, which will be included in next post. So, in the meantime my apologies for not evaluating right away. I will get it done asap, and am starting to review it now.

    Tumbleweed92 - After rereading your sign up, I found everything OK and acceptable. Welcome aboard Jirachi, named "Hikeru."

    Though it is acceptable, there were a few things with the sign up, that I wish could be edited again. One thing being the age, I like the idea of a five year old, very cute, and original in a way, and it is perfect for Jirachi's nature. Though at the age of five, the brain is just maturing, and five to six years of age is very critical. I ask, perhaps, increase the age some; to make it more realistic and well more mobile for your character. I would say roughly around nine, maybe, seven to eight minimum. That age still carries many of the characteristics mentally of a five and six year old, but their memory and brain skills are more developed and it would also be easier for him to manipulate his aura.

    So the major thing is age, after thinking about it, I think he should be a little older, but still retain the maturity of that of a young kid. I like the changes you did, and it gave your character more flare. Be wary on your powers though, for with great power, comes great responsibility, and your aura can easily be, World Revolting.

    So yea, ACCEPTED *Shoots party streamers* Thank you for choosing PBC Airlines, we hope you enjoy the show!

    ACCEPTED!
    ~-~-~-~-~-~


    Well, actually this idea has been around a lot on these forums. Mainly as Reverse PMD style games where Pokemon turn Human instead of the other way around. That and Lady Myuu, an old Mod and RPG player had an RPG much like this in that the Legendaries were turned human, with amnesia. They were in the pokemon world however and some unknown war was fought. She should be deserving the credit of Originality more than I.

    First this RPG idea of mine was going to be average everyday Pokemon, but then I thought "Legendaries are fun," and the original idea involved some, so I said I'll include the Legendaries instead of average pokemons. Thank you for the compliment however. Makes me feel old seeing how long I've been here, and I even had a hiatus, and am not the oldest RPG member still RPing. heh. >>

    Note: I am going to make it required for sign up categories to be bolded. It helps organize things, easy to see, and well not having them bolded is a pet-peeve of mine...

    If they aren't bolded, that can result in an instant pending, and well it shows to me that you don't put much effort into your sign ups or lack an eye to read posts!


    For the reviews:


    Right....however, ''normal'' is an opinion of the beholder. If you are asking if the age is acceptable in an understanding way, then yes, it is. Twenty eight is well old and not the average "late teen, young adult" group everyone always likes to be part of. I find 28 unique in that sense, so let's see how it is pulled off.


    On the contrary, one can have white hair at the age of five. Graying, or aged hair is rare on a young person, unless they've come into contact with hazardous chemicals or other things similar. Some people have naturally white hair. Then there are the Albino people, who have white hair. Pale blond works, or even platinum blond if you want it more ''white.'' For the skin tone I think you could explain the shading more. It is alright, but it seems not mixed in well, blatchy more so than smooth.

    About that missing pinky, I find that more filler. Sure pokemon could have less fingers than humans, and it is creative, but missing the pinky would just seem too ackward for me to vision, and might get people to freakishly stare. I'd be more comfortable maybe with longer fingers, than a missing finger. Though it is fine, just personal preference there. Feet also seem kind of like filler. Why is it mentioned if it has no significance? It might not be noticeable, but I think some more significance should be put to this sentence to make it more 'real.'

    For the clothing: I suppose that is alright. Not really a style more as a quick fix to cover herself. I did get good imagery there on the dress, though what is covers is more the 'blank black sheet.' What I mean by that is you need more description. I did not get a good picture of your character in my mind. Her body is a blur, her facial features, blurry. You talk about skin tone, that is alright, I assume she's cacasion, but even with that, the shading of her skin is more a swirl of colors trying to mix into a tapestry of art, but not finding an area to blend.

    You do mention a few things about her physique, mostly her feet and missing pinky, which sound more like filler material to me. Veins also add a nice texture to the skin, but as I said, her skin is blurred over. Also, being a twenty-eight year old female, I'd think her body rather mature. You make no mention of her figure, or proportions minus height and weight that could be more described as body mass or muscle tone.

    Your character right now seems 2-d, and I cannot see anything about her personality through the description. Usually who we are physically sometimes reflects our personality. Again, its all a blur in my head, so what you imagined as your character, did not come across well in imagery to what I can see. I think you should revamp your description, filling it with tasty details. I like the idea, but it is just too blurry, too bland of a description to be considered acceptable. Talk more about her body, her face, her physique, before you go straight to clothing. More detail is needed.


    Onto the personality, I first find that the "although she was once thought of, etc etc" to be overbearing. You do not need that, for all we care about is who the person, the legendary is now. Personalities of the past are my job to convey, based around their ''human personalities'' the participants make up.

    Your personality gives some spark of life to your character. I can see her reactions to other legendaries. How she is kind and caring, yet will throw you away if you reach her bad-side; get rid of that. In too many RPGs I see this complex, of willing to help, but having their own agenda. Sure it can be argued that it is core primal instinct to help one another and yourself, but its overdone, cliche, and I don't see it conveyed well in your character. Give your character more soul. What I see in your personality is an excuse to act anyway based on the conflict at hand. There is no morale fiber, because your character can be both helpful and hurtful at the same time, and to whichever path would be the most beneficial. You can make a character like that, but how you wrote the personality it is not concrete, the personality is jelly that will mold into any shape that is best for moving the character along in the plot. This takes away the "soul" and gives more a robotic, mary-sue feel to it.

    I need to see flaw in the personality, and a rigidness. Sure your character can be adaptive in situations, but for now, it seems monotone. Like description, this portion of your personality could use more descriptions. Get that "alter ego" more in-depth details about it. It is acceptable, but it lacks the drive, and personality is all about "the drive." What makes you tick.

    First impressions, an interesting psyche, this is a drive. A drive to show perfection so no one misjudges. Paranoia on social interactions, how others would think of one person, and that one person trying hard to show their best as they meet new people. I like. Though, with her first impressions, are they more of a mask, or her true feelings? Could use more details, in explaining this condition of hers. As for the urges, how they are written, I see them more as filler material, but they are interesting, they show a Berserker side of Tiana; which only erupts when others of her own ''kind'' are near. That is creative.

    For the personality, I am seeing your character more alive, but there are some flaws still, mainly in not giving the character a definite characteristic, or morale fibers. I would like to see more of how she ''ticks.'' You included a few personality quirks and flaws, the largest one being about the First Impressions complex. That is good, but not enough in giving defining natures to your character.

    Well, for origin, yes it takes place in New York City, but not everyone needs to be crashing down in an alleyway, I meant the city as a whole, including the surrounding areas. There are many parks, suburbs, factories, waterways, underground passageways, etc etc. This is just to say to anyone listening.

    As for the origin, interesting start, wakes up confused, finds the fabric to her name. I would like more details though, to give more mental imagery. I pictured the scene but it was blurry. You had more detail about the dress in description than how she actually found it. That being said, process would be nice. Though a brief summary is also acceptable. I want to get more a feel to Tiana's suprise, give it more emotion if you could.

    This paragraph seems filler, all that was said here could be put in one sentence about her being confused and wandering around looking for anything to trigger memories. Add more action to it, I would like to see more an event than just aimless wandering.

    And here is the action. Good, good, excellent. Cat's were a bit ...random? But they gave you your action that I needed.

    Props to showing me how this strikethrough font is codded, woohoo! Yea alley cats, why would they hate her, hmmm, curiouser and curiouser.

    Ah, the Aura, the trickiest of the fields, and will soon be further explained in a post due to CONFUSIONS I had cast upon people causing them AMNESIA!

    When you say "Give HER nightmares" what do you mean? Inside TIana's head rests many many many evil nightmares, that she freely gives to others upon physical contact? Also, feelings of depression won't be minor. They would noticeably bring a person's mood down, so it can't really be minor. The affect may be minor, as in, it won't like cause people to regret living and take their own lives, or it won't make people slothful and lack emotions...at first, but yea, it isn't minor. Other than that, I like your aura. Nice description of it, got a nice picture of it.

    The Jewel of Life:

    After reading your sign up, I would have to give you a pending. Your sign up is nice, has a few good qualities, however it lacks substance - it needs more imagery, more detail. Almost everything I felt was blurry, I could not fully picture your character. Things also were written more as Filler, as they had no exact point save a sentence in the paragraph. Read what I reviewed, and I hope you take what I said into consideration. As this is your first Pending, you get a three day ''Pending reservation'' to fix things up before resubmitting for a second review. Thank you for your interest, your character was fun, and interesting to read, it just didn't feel "alive." If you need help or have any further questions, Visitor or Private message me. Thank you for your interest.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  18. Gentleman Skeleton

    Gentleman Skeleton Well-Known Member

    My god man, why didn't you tell me you were back? Mind if I take a reserve out on Deoxys? Got an interesting idea of what to do with him. Here's a sample. Not quite recent, but it's the best thing I've got right now since I've been out of the game a while.

    One Piece: Straw Hat Liberation Force

    -Episode 1-
    Meet the Willow Pirates: Chaos on the High Seas

    -Penance: Grand Line-
    Bartholomew Kuma stood at the gates of the massive floating prison, Penance. Standing in front of him, shackled and humiliated was the captain of the Straw Hat pirate crew, Monkey D. Luffy. He was alone, his friends scattered across the Grand Line to keep them from being able to reuniting and turning against the World Government.

    “Do what you want with me,” Luffy said, his eyes tearing up with untold rage. “My friends will not abandon me. I will sail the seas once again, and I will be king of the pirates.”

    “No, they will not,” Kuma replied. “Face it, you’ve lost. By the time this month is over, you will be hanged like your friends. And once we figure out what to do with your reindeer and skeleton friend, they will be punished as well. Mark my words.”

    “They will come. I have faith in them.”

    -New World: Six months prior-
    The Lady Fortune was far out to sea when the Navy set out their surprise attack. Cannonballs flew through the air, although none of them hit. A man, at least ten feet tall emerged from the ship to see the chaos around him.

    “Rebecca, hide the children!” He shouted. A woman emerged and slowly began to escort a young boy and a young girl below deck. The sound of a baby crying could be heard from within the ship. “Amos m’boy, it’s time for the both of us to defend this ship, eh? Follow m’lead!” A pair of small cannons appeared out of the palm of the man’s ands and the boy, no older than fourteen drew a sword from his belt. Several other crew members appeared on deck and activated their individual Devil Fruit powers, or drew their weapons if they didn’t have any. All one man did was rip off his shirt to reveal a twelve pack. “Well, m’lads. This is it! If they want us, they can damn well try and take us! We make our final stand here and now!” The men all cheered and roared. “Let us show these navy cockroaches what we salty dogs are capable of! ATTACK!” The Navy ships came in dangerously close as men swarmed the ship. Amos grabbed his blade tightly and tried to go to town, but the men were many times his size, and he was quickly knocked to the ground and broke his sword in half. As soon as he gained his composure, he rose to his feet and continued to hold a pair of soldiers back. All around him, fellow crewmates were being stabbed and shot. He could only continue his focus on the task at hand. He soon found that the crew of the ship was outnumbered ten to one. One soldier emerged from inside the ship holding the woman from before by the arm, dragging her out to the deck of the ship. The crowd of soldiers parted as an aristocratic looking officer stepped aboard and approached the man and woman.

    “Nathaniel and Rebecca Willow,” He announced. “You are both wanted for the crime of piracy and providing safe haven for wanted pirates. The penalty is execution by firing squad. You are to stand and take your punishment like the scum you are. Finish them.” All Amos could hear was the shots from the guns and the footsteps of the officer as he walked away. The woman died instantly while his father spawned cannons across his body and fired away, taking a few soldiers with him. His wounds eventually became too much and he collapsed partially over the edge of the ship. “What a pity and here I was going to give you a gentleman’s death if you survived. Too bad.” The officer approached the man and pushed him over the edge of the ship. The man was dragged into the depths thanks in part to his Devil Fruit’s curse. Amos’ eyes welled up with tears. He snuck away, only to be caught by one of the officers.

    “Sir, what should we do with this one?” The officer asked. “He was trying to sneak away.”

    “What’s your name, boy?”

    “A-Amos Willow, sir,” Amos struggled to fight tears back as he said his own name. “Th-those were my parents you just killed.” Amos hacked up all the phlegm he could muster and spat it into the face of the officer. This action was met with a rifle butt to the face and multiple kicks from navy issue boots. The head officer wiped the phlegm from his face and looked at a large pile of wanted posters to find the name Amos Willow, and a bounty of two hundred and fifty belli.

    “Leave the boy and the other children. They’re not worth our time. Salvage “Cannonball” Willow’s body and take Rebecca’s corpse. We’re eating steak tonight boys!” The naval officers cheered as Amos slumped into the cabin of the ship. Inside, Amos found the store of Devil Fruit below deck and ate one fruit in particular that always interested him, the Sumi-Sumi Fruit. Grabbing a fountain pen, he stabbed himself in the finger, allowing the blood the flow enough for the pen to soak up. He started to draw and within a minute, he had drawn a sword. He reached out to touch what he had drawn, thinking to himself, I wish I could actually use this. Suddenly, he found his hand being absorbed into the wooden plank he drew the blade on. When he pulled his hand away, his sword drawing stuck with him. He ran out to try and take out one of the guards, but it was too late, they had already gone, but Nathaniel and Rebecca’s corpses remained on the ship. They had salvaged Nathaniel and taken pictures of the corpses, then left like that. It dawned on Amos at this moment, they weren’t coming back. He fell to his knees and sobbed, letting his emotions take hold of him.

    -Isla del Fuego: New World Border: 6 Months Later-
    Deep inside the volcano, amidst the lava and dangerous heat laid an underground base. This base now belongs to Amos and the rebuilt Willow pirates, his father’s crew. Amos was now the captain and although the original crew was slain that bloody night before they knew it, Amos had gathered a new crew in their honor. It was much smaller, but they did their duty quite well. Someone entered Amos’ chamber with a look of concern on his face. He was not a member of the Willow Pirates, but instead a member of the Red-haired Pirates, a crew that Amos and his father were supporters of.

    “What brings you here?” Amos asked. “I can tell you’re a Red-hair. How is Shanks?”
    “Doin’ well,” The man replied. “I have some awful news for you, young Amos. Have you heard of Straw Hat Luffy?”

    “Who hasn’t? Heard stories of him through other Red-hairs. What about him?”

    “He’s been captured in the Florian Triangle. Red-Haired Shanks is unable to help him and he wants you to do the rescuing. How big is your bounty?”

    “Forty-eight mill.”

    “Forty-eight mill in less than six months, I’m impressed, but by the time you rescue Luffy and his crew, prepare to have your bounty skyrocket. I have maps and information for you, but I want you to address your crew first to see if they wish to undertake this mission as well. You could easily be killed out there, so I’ll only let you go if you’re really willing.”

    “I am, and so is my crew. We’ll go brief them right now.”
     
  19. PokemonBreederChris

    PokemonBreederChris UnlimitedBlade Works

    Shinichi Misao's Review:

    Gentleman Skeleton - Deoxys - Reserved until January 25th, 9:48 pm EST

    However, upon your sign up, I am requesting a fresh RPG sample, or one that isn't so dialogue heavy. I prefer quality with imagery, than quantity with speech. Thank you.

    Okay, starting off with the candy fields. I Bolded them for an easier read. As else it looks like a block of text. Ah, Mew picked a BIG one at that. I pondered whether to outlaw or allow it, in the end I allowed it, as people can overplay the cute harmless innocent legendary A LOT.

    The name, Janice Obvious. Interesting choice for a surname. Though saying Janice Obvious aloud, they don't ring together well. Which might or might not add to the nature of your character.

    Well, starting off, I do not know what "young" is defined as, you would need to embellish upon that. She's seventeen, so is she baby-faced than? Have freckles? What defines her as young, for at age seventeen many girls could have already matured physically beyond "young looking." You mention Vertebra, which part? Lower-back? Neck? Shoulder-blades? Collar Bone? Vertebra, too generic. Needs more detail. You do give nice imagery, but what I see then, is a small gilded wooden ball with many bright lights on it, drowning out the nice golden paint on the wooden ball. You should discuss more of her physique and other features of her body.This has the imagery that I do like, but not enough details to balance or give image to other aspects of the body.

    I'll have to disagree with the clothing choices; or, your personality better have a good reason for them. Good that you describe the body more here. But, the clothes even don't match. Which can be a flare to personality, but I can't picture Mew as this, so thus I must rely on the Origin to tell me tale of why. As for the suicide scars, what the heck? is all I can say. Origin better have good reasoning for this. Else, this description is unacceptable.

    Ok first off, Mewtwo is more a son to Mew, it was cloned FROM mew; I cannot recall the actual legend of Mewtwo via the Games. ((Games are the primary lore I will go after, if other sources contradict the games, games will always win in my book for this RPG.)) As for that memory, I would find it acceptable if given reasoning to why. Also, I don't understand how slicing her arms up would bring back memories, it is only for physical pain in the NOW for the mind to forget mental pain that haunts the victim. That I have to disagree with.

    So a berserker complex? Interesting. Though you contradict yourself, and most of this personality is filler. She's rather suicidal, and depressed from what I look at it; emotionally unstable. You should explain that more. give more details for my to see.

    Well, what is extremely, openly Gay? Rather flamboyant and proud to express it LOUDLY to anyone she meets? I find the talk on genders filler, and well unneeded. This personality is unreal, and lacks dimensions. It is a 2-D character, traced rather lightly on paper. You need to put more "soul" into it, for she doesn't feel alive to me. You should write a character as if you knew them in real life, as if they are living. This personality, did not portray your character at all, except saying she was suicidal, wrathful, lesbian orientation, and selfish. There is much more to a human than that.

    I have quoted the whole Origin in on itself, as I have to reject the whole thing. First of all, you have things in the origin that conflict with elements of the Plot. Mewtwo for instance, wouldn't be like that to Mew, not in this RPG, not in how its personality reacts as well. Also, it sounded entirely superficial. The romance? The death of her girlfriend? Sudden realization? I understand why so suicidal now, but seriously. Also, the Legendaries would freshly be entering this new world, not years and years ago. I would say the maximum time would be a month at most, and that is stretching it. Your origin is contradiction after contradiction as well with her psychic abilities and all that. This origin is not acceptable. Basically what I wanted in the origin was how the legendary woke up and what it did at the very start, as the actual RPG will start when legendaries have been on Earth for a week or so. I wouldn't want newly babe legendaries wandering around with absolute no clue, so the week is to help them grow a little.


    Spicy food? Interesting. Bathing without underwear on? Care to explain this? Muscle spasms, appropriate, but why?

    "I came to realize" Is that YOU the author speaking? That is breaking the fourth wall sort of, so yea, not needed. As for the bubbles fun, but they are psychic bubbles, the elements not really needed. They act more as a shield than anything, or objects to carry things as you said. The aura is interesting, but well you did not include a few things I wanted in the aura, such as the location of the "tattoo" or physical representation of the Aura. But, well, though it is an interesting Aura, it's WAY too overpowering, if anything it needs more drawbacks. For example, House size, you know how big those are? Those could cause catastrophic damages. So yes, aura is way too overpowering.

    Shinichi Misao: Rejected, character design Rejected. Your character contradicted itself many times over, and was not well organized nor descriptive through out the sign up. I am sorry but the sign up is Rejected.

    You are still welcome to Sign up, even as Mew, but you must choose a new and different character design
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  20. cdra1617

    cdra1617 Not a Seadra

    Sign up Form:

    Name: Rain
    Legendary: Lugia
    Gender: Female
    Age: 27

    Description: Rain is an extremely tall woman, standing just over six foot. She is very thin, though her actual weight is hard to ascertain. Despite this thinness, she does not look weak—her limbs actually look strong, but only after a close look. Therein, her limbs are somewhat muscular, but it is not readily apparent. She isn’t petite, but her body is still rather plain; she isn’t very well endowed, though her waist is proportionally thin (her ribcage is pretty broad, and her hips are wide, so she has the illusion of a nice waist). If one were to find thinness attractive, Rain would then have a very nice body. She has extremely pale skin, of course, as she seems to be albino. It is pasty, and near white, though somehow that doesn’t make her look sickly. She’s just really pale.

    Rain has beautiful hair, of a perfectly pure ivory tone. It is fairly long and flows smoothly around her waist; no matter the weather, no matter the bad hair day, her hair always stays perfectly straight and soft-looking. Usually she pulls it back in a low ponytail with a blue ribbon, as it is quite long. Even so, her bangs—which happen to be dark blue, for some strange reason—refuse to stay out of her face. She doesn’t pay them much mind, though she is sometimes seen absentmindedly trying to put them back behind her ears, where they absolutely won’t stay for very long. Her facial features are rather sharp and cool, with eyes so starkly red that Rain does get a few looks just for them. Her eyes are a little slanted, only adding to the sharp look of her face; however, they always look calm, despite their brilliant coloration. Most people assume that Rain is an albino with dyed bangs.

    Rain’s choice of outfit is a bit curious, but she’s very attracted to the colors, so it works. She wears a tight, ribbed navy blue tank top underneath a light bluish-gray zip-up hoodie over her torso. This cotton hoodie is about two sizes too large, hanging frumpily over her thin frame. Of course, it has deep pockets in the front, and a hood on the back; the inside lining is a royal blue color, like her bangs, but not as dark as her shirt. The sleeves pretty much always cover her hands because they’re simply too long. On the back of the jacket are three “V” shaped marks of royal blue, sitting with extremely obtuse angles in a vertical row. Her pants are canvas and a little baggy, but not nearly as much so as her hoodie, and colored white. Her pants also have lots of pockets—cargo pants. In order to keep her pants on for sure, she wears two belts sideways over one another: one of them silver, the other royal blue. Her shoes of choice are strappy navy sandals which expose her pasty pale feet with painted blue toenails. She wears the same hoodie constantly, only exchanging pants and tops for very similar ones, as she only owns about three of each. Well, she also has one hot pink tank top, but she only wears it on laundry day.

    Personality: Rain is a very quiet individual. She is fairly calm and level-headed, but sometimes, she seems irrationally skittish of everything. The fact behind this is rather simple: somewhere in her heart is the ingrained idea that humans are bellicose and ignorant. She doesn’t know where this notion came from or why she goes along with it, and therefore, she often fights against this notion by being around humans. She is curious about her lost memories, but not voraciously so; she has no intention of obsessing over them, though she is somehow compelled to find someone who understands her. She doesn’t get very excited about anything, but rather takes it all in stride, except of course interactions with unfamiliar humans. There she has a strange phobia; however, despite it, she is working hard to get over it.

    Rain is rather introverted, spending her time swimming and wondering rather than seeking company. The rare times she does go out on the street, she rarely speaks to anyone but rather just hums to herself as she watches them all go by—she doesn’t want them to look at her, even though they do, as she is quite modest. If she were to find someone who she didn’t feel so skittish around, however, she possibly would open up more, and be more accepting of company. For now, she really only enjoys the company of Will because he takes such good care of her, and is kind enough to her such that she doesn’t feel afraid around him. She is thoughtful and wise, generally kind despite being shy, and has a deep belief that her destiny will come one day and make sense of all this.

    Fate and destiny are also concepts ingrained in Rain’s soul. It would seem that she is highly intelligent; however, she does not show this, because she has a slightly limited vocabulary and some of it is just words she learned from songs, which isn’t quite accurate. She isn’t necessarily a serious persona or a jesting one, but rather she is somewhat neutral. Rain also feels the urge to become responsible for others, especially if they help her or she thinks she knows them somehow. In this way she is a bit motherly, though it’s more of a friendly responsibility for everything than that of a mother. She is obsessed with both the sky and the sea, and likes to watch birds fly by. Culture still eludes her in many ways, though she is trying to learn about it little by little.

    Origin: The tide continued to ebb and flow, ebb and flow as it always had. The water was cold, but it was always cold. There was nothing unusual about the shoreline today, the lone man thought to himself. He was still wearing his business clothes: a gray suit with a red tie. His black hair had fallen unkempt from the breeze, and swished lightly around his face as he stared at the ocean. His silver-blue eyes were only half open, but still, they managed to catch on to something highly unusual…

    There was something different about the shoreline today, after all. There, in the shallowest point of the tide, was a woman. She was completely nude, her perfect pale skin and gleaming white hair giving her the look of an angel… or maybe a mermaid? The man on the beach ran over to her, finding quickly that she was no mermaid, as she had long, slender legs. Indeed, her body was thin and beautiful, in an unearthly way he found. He approached her, and unconsciously reached up to brush her dark bangs out of her eye. However, at that instant, her red eyes opened, and she shrank back. Afraid. That was the word… she felt afraid. She retreated slightly into the water, ducking away from the man.

    He looked at her curiously. “What are you doing here?” he asked, and she shook her head. She didn’t know what she was doing here. She only knew that… she was afraid of this man. And she wanted to stay in the water. That made sense. And yet… her body felt wrong… she didn’t know where she was. She was scared. She curled up in the fetal position and stared at him with cold eyes. “Not very talkative, are we?” he asked.

    She responded with a small moan, just, “ah”. As though that was all she knew how to say. And then, she looked him nervously in the eye, as her arms frantically covered her body. “…n… naked?!”

    “Yes, you are naked…” he muttered. “Where are you from? Who are you?”

    “A…ah…” she muttered again, nothing at all. She had no idea where she was from, who she was. She couldn’t have answered even if she knew words. However, this man seemed intent upon comforting her.

    “Look, come on, we’ve got to take you to the authorities. I have no idea where you came from…” he looked away. “I guess you should get some clothes first…”

    “Ah!” she exclaimed. People. No, she didn’t want to see people. She was afraid of people. They were… she didn’t really know. Then again, it appeared that she was… a person, too. Why was she afraid? She had no answers, only questions. She shook her head violently. “C…clothes. But… not authorities.”

    He stared at her questioningly. “Why? You on the run or something?” She shook her head again.

    “Ah… afraid. Can’t… remember.”

    He blinked at her. She was just afraid of people. Well, that was obvious enough, she was looking awfully shy… except that she was naked in the ocean. And maybe she had amnesia… He was pretty sure she was a mermaid now. “Well, I do know that sometimes amnesia goes away with time. If you don’t want to meet anyone, why don’t you just come to my place? My roommate’s out on vacation for a few weeks, so you can stay in his room. I’ll get you some clothes too.” He extended his hand. “My name’s Will.”

    She looked at him skeptically. “Oh… okay, Will.” She took his hand and stood up, still shaking a little and covering her body. He realized then how tall she was, but quickly averted his eyes. Will didn’t want to stare at her, and she didn’t really want to be stared at. Besides, if his girlfriend knew he was staring at this girl... he shuddered internally at the thought. He put his jacket over her and walked down the shoreline, up into the alley, and to his apartment. It only took a few minutes to get there.

    One Will and the mysterious girl arrived at the apartment, he immediately showed her to the shower and turned it on for her, trying not to stare at her naked body. He did notice the strange birthmarks on her back… maybe he could use those to identify her. But not now; first, she needed to remember some things. He put on some soft rock music—some of his favorite bands—and changed into his relaxed clothes (some comfortable pants and a t-shirt). While he was at it, he grabbed some for the girl, though obviously they wouldn’t fit that well… she was much smaller than he was, albeit just as tall. She had been in the shower for a long time when Will finally came in, asking, “Are you drowned in there?” He was holding the clothes.

    She was smiling at the shower head and letting the water run as she hummed along to the music. When he walked in, she looked down. “Rain,” she nearly whispered. “Rain is familiar… Rain is comfortable.”

    Will just looked at her. “Hey, don’t use up all the water… you think your name may be Rain?”

    She shook her head, no. “But… it’s as good as any name.”

    And from there on, she was Rain.

    Will gave her some of his clothes for the night, but the next day he went and bought her some of her one—well, tried to. She took a liking to his hoodie and wouldn’t give it back; he decided she could just keep it. He did manage to get her to buy some underwear and a bra, as well as some actually fitting pants, shoes, and tank tops. Rain didn’t like many colors, but all the same, the things she picked were pretty cheap. Will has since been trying to help Rain recover her memory; after he gets off work each day, he meets her out by the ocean, where she is typically swimming in her underwear. He gave up on keeping her out of the ocean several days ago, because honestly, she wouldn’t even consider it. He still thinks she might be a mermaid, especially with how she sings. He has a large collection of rather easy-going music, which Rain has taken a liking to and listens to constantly. When he heard her sing along, with her beautiful voice, Will started to consider that she might be a mermaid who got her legs but lost her memory for it…

    As of now, no one knows that Rain lives with Will. She eats ramen and other bargain food gladly, so she’s not a financial burden, though she has offered (since learning enough of the language to speak coherently again) to try to get a job. Will is fresh out of college working at an accounting firm; he makes enough money to support her pretty easily. His roommate will return in a few days, but he’ll explain when the time rolls around for that, he’s decided. He's also decided not to tell his girlfriend about this... they never meet at his house, so it's much safer to just not talk about Rain. Besides, Will has no romantic interest at all in Rain. She tends to wander short distances from the apartment, exploring the streets and trying to overcome her fear of other people, which she finds irrational. However, most of her time is still spent at the sea, or standing on the balcony enjoying the wind. Often, Rain dreams that she’s flying… or watching someone fly through their eyes… and falls into the sea…

    Miscellaneous: Rain retains a few marked talents from her old self. For one, she has a lovely singing voice, hauntingly beautiful and rather captivating. She has taken up singing for her keep because of this. She is also an excellent swimmer, not getting tired easily. She can hold her breath for a very long time for a human, but it’s not necessarily superhuman—just unusual. Rain has a bizarre fascination with the sea, and always is swimming, diving deeper and deeper into the cold water… which also doesn’t seem to bother her. She loves soft rock music, just like her current keeper, Will. In fact, music has taught Rain many words… though sometimes that gives her a weird definition for things. She doesn’t know a lot of things about American culture, simply because she hasn’t been able to absorb it.

    Aura: Rain’s aura is rather inconspicuous… usually. Quite simply, the air around her is more humid than usual, and often she gives off the feeling of an incoming storm. Animals act somewhat irrationally around her because of this aura, but many humans don’t even notice it. However, they do notice the humidity. Rain’s hair stays perfectly straight despite this aura, but some people’s hair curls up from the change in the air. When others are in the rather distant vicinity, there can be a bit of wind around her as well, further lending to the birth of a storm. However, if others like herself are very close indeed, Rain’s aura will act up, bringing, well, rain. It comes in various quantities depending on which others are nearby, how many of them there are, and how close they are. If they’re very close and have great familiarity to her old soul, Rain will cause a rather nasty thunderstorm, but that’s as bad as it gets. It seems to cause her pain when it gets stronger.

    Rain’s tattoo is on her back, in the form of six slanted rectangles forming a 3 horizontal by 2 vertical larger rectangle. They resemble Lugia’s notable scales. However, rather than being blue, they’re only a darker tone than her skin, kind of brown compared to her white skin. They look more like birthmarks than tattoos, though they’re quite identifiable. The “visible” form of her aura is a translucent white color. It surrounds her body and extends her arms with wing-like shapes of aura. These tend to be flared away from her arms, as well, and down a bit. A sort of fat tail also extends from the aura. It also makes her eyes redder, and the blue of her bangs seems stronger and points upward.


    ((wow, I got something finished early?! This is weird...))
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2010

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