Gracefulshippy poem

[Razor Shiftry]

i'm not actually sure this should be here but just move this please if it isn't.
Well, this isn't completely like gracefulshipping but about a couple being reprisented by water and air...so i thought of wallace and Winona...as they use water and flying pokemon and all...

'The element air is the one that entwines,
Flows, with uncertain, yet
Sure it glides across with the water, solid but with grace, a combination of wild beauty
And forever locked hand in hand

The shore comes near
Like a dark wedge to split lovers true
Fate comes clear, for now they must part, separated
With no mercy
Ripped asunder

The water clings on, vain desperation,
To which he will never win as the earth pulls
Solid might
His love lost with the wave
On the quiet shore
Alone

Air cries in pain, a fierce shriek that deafens ears
Dragged, tossed, thrown with no care
No love that water gave
Just pierced with pain to her heart
That time would barely heal'

i think its quite emotional but i would love to hear some critisim and comments about it so that i could possibly write more poems

 

[bluwirz]

Its nice but a bit on the short side.......

-bluwirz;026;

 

[Razor Shiftry]

Its nice but a bit on the short side.......

-bluwirz;026;

yeah...it is abit...but i am thinking up some more stanzas to write up and add on to it...

can can i have some more thoughts on my poem? some critism perhaps?

 

[Eefi]

that poem is so sad.....but very good!!! ^_^

I advise that you try to "tighten" the poem (chop of unnessarity words such as like, but, as, etc.), so it will make it flow even better.

Very good!! *blows into tissue*