Groudon goes MAD! - PART ONE

[Deoxys-Mania]

The inhabitants of Littleroot town respected the two Pokemon, because they looked after the land well. Groudon gave the village plenty of sunlight, where the inhabitants could stay outside for long hours during the day, going down to the beach, and exploring the land. When the villagers had had enough sun, they called upon Kyogre to give them some rain. The villagers did not dislike the rain; in fact, they liked it! It helped keep vegetation fresh and growing, and provided tons of water for the people. Some of the kids in Littleroot even enjoyed playing in the rain! The villagers respected Groudon and Kyogre for making their lives so brilliant and cosy, knowing that there would be no long periods of drought, and no major floods so high that the whole of Hoenn was underwater. One of the children in the village was especially interested in the two Pokemon, and his name was Jason. He lived with his mother in a cottage near the village square. He had already caught and raised a bunch of Pokemon – so many, that most of them had to stay in the Day-Care Centre at Professor Birch’s lab. A trainer was only allowed to carry six Pokemon at a time. Jason’s six were: Swampert, Aggron, Electabuzz, Tropius, Dusclops and Arcanine. He had raised them all beautifully – especially Swampert.

Every birthday, his mother got him a new Pokemon. Last year, she had got him a Remoraid, which was now a super-strong Octillery, the year before that, she had got him a Pineco, now a Forretress, the year before that she had got him a Chimecho, and the year before that she had got him a Smeargle.
“I wonder what she’s got for me this birthday.” Jason wondered, as he got out of bed on the morning of September the 8th. “I can’t wait to see it!”
He got dressed and rushed downstairs. His mother was waiting for him in the lounge, next to a large box. She opened the lid, and out came a large, hairy Piloswine.
“I nearly got you a Swinub,” Jason’s mother said as he ran over to the Piloswine and hugged it. “But this Piloswine was on Special Offer, and I thought you might like an evolved Pokemon. Swinub will be recorded in your Pokedex aswell as Piloswine, so don’t worry.”
Jason hugged his mum.
“After breakfast we can try out some of its attacks!” he said.
“Oh yes, I got these aswell – Snow Corn Puffs – an Ice Pokemon’s favourite, I hear,” said his mum, holding up a turquoise bag. “Your new Pokemon will never get hungry.”
After breakfast, Jason and his mum took Piloswine outside. They set up a target in the garden, then Jason looked through his Pokemon book, to see what attacks Piloswine could use.
“Piloswine, Psybeam!” he commanded.
From Piloswine’s forehead shot wavering purple rays which floated towards the target. On making contact, the rays fused together and formed a sphere of purple smoke, which engulfed the target.
“Nice!” Jason said, as the smoke disappeared. “OK, Piloswine, Ice Beam!”
The Ice Pig shot a beam of ice from its mouth, and hit the target, encasing it in a cocoon of ice.
“Woohoo!” Jason cried.
In the next few minutes, Piloswine performed a Powder Snow, a Skull Bash, a Psywave, a Shock Wave and a Hyper Beam. Jason knew that there were loads more attacks, but he didn’t want to tire his new Pokemon. Knowing that Dusclops and Aggron could use Electric-Type moves, he replaced his Electabuzz with his new Piloswine.

A few days later, Jason and his mum were at the local play park with Piloswine. It was Groudon’s turn to control the weather at the moment – the sun was shining brightly.
“Do you notice something odd?” Jason said suddenly. “The sun’s very powerful today. More powerful than ever before. This might be the start of our first drought.”
“Pilo! Pilo!” Piloswine grunted, which meant, “Why don’t you ask Kyogre for some rain? We’ve had sun for a fortnight already.”
“Good idea,” said Jason.
A few minutes later, the entire population of Littleroot stood in the town square, their faces pointing towards the heavens. Suddenly, in unison, they cried out,
“Kyogre the Great, Lord of Water, provide us with some rain!”
But Kyogre did not answer the request. The sun still shone, brighter than ever before. The villagers began to get agitated. Quickly, Professor Birch stepped onto the platform in the middle of the square.
“Villagers,” he called out. “This is not Kyogre’s fault. Something is wrong with Groudon – that is why the sun shines so brightly, so brightly that no rain can replace it. Groudon would never make the sunshine this intense if it was in a good mood. Something’s disturbed it.”
Jason immediately started running through the crowd. He reached the platform, and turned to face the villagers.
“With my six well-raised Pokemon,” he said, loudly. “I shall solve the mystery of Groudon’s anger.”

The next day, Jason was ready to set off. He had packed a rucksack with stuff he’d need, and six Pokeballs were fastened to his belt, each containing one of his six Pokemon. He walked out of Littleroot town towards Oldale, excited and nervous. When he reached Oldale, instead of heading towards Petalburg, he ventured northeast towards a wide river. Here, he released Swampert, who carried him across the river on his back. Swampert was a good swimmer, and extremely strong, so he was able to resist the fast-flowing current. On the other side of the river, Jason sent out his Tropius. He climbed onto the Fruit Pokemon’s back and took off. Gliding smoothly over Hoenn, Jason looked down from his great height, and watched the land pass by. Finally, he reached Sootopolis City. He dismounted his Tropius at the very summit of the white rock mound inside which Sootopolis lay. Groudon wouldn’t be inside Sootopolis itself – it was impossible. Jason looked around at the vast ocean. Suddenly, as he looked towards the south, something caught his eye. On the horizon was the unmistakeable shape of a volcano. The burning sun was directly above it, shining down on the Hoenn region. Jason released Swampert, and together the two descended the mountain to the ocean.

A few seconds later, Jason was skimming along the waves on Swampert’s back, heading for the smoking volcano. Upon reaching it, he let all his Pokemon out, and then slowly proceeded forwards. He came to the mouth of an enormous cave in the mountainside. Jason could not see any of the inside – it was full of red smoke. But wait, he could see something. Something blue. It was definitely Groudon – the blue glows were the glowing blue marks on its body.
Groudon emerged into the open, roaring. Jason could tell that something was wrong. Its marks were glowing more intensely than ever before like the sun above, and even the spikes on its sides were flashing. Its eyes looked as though they were on fire, and the roar that filled the air was ear shattering.
Immediately, all Jason’s Pokemon leapt in front of him, protecting him from Groudon. Jason closed his eyes and concentrated hard.
“Help me, Kyogre!”
Groudon began to charge up a SolarBeam, but as it got ready to fire it at Jason, a gargantuan wall of water rose up right in front of him. The SolarBeam hit the water and rebounded upon Groudon, who dodged it.
;072; ;224; ;259; ;249-d; ;384; ;123; ;094; ;330; ;181; ;065; ;386-d; ;338; ;230; :snowlax: ;108; ;217; ;245; ;144; ;042; ;258; ;383;

 

[Dilasc]

Sticky abuse, poorly done story, and very wierd. When making a new paragraph, skip two lines. That means hit enter twice.

You have a lack of description here. What is a SolarBeam, what does it look like?

I'm going to recommend you read a few good stories from 4.4 star or higher rated works. Go out there, and read, and learn!

 

[Yami Ryu]

Ew, smily abuser. Ew.

Rushed. Gary Stu containing. Poor in character development and plot. Lacking attempt to make it readable outside of some rushed 'description' so people don't have an idea of what pokemon you're listing. What is a Tropius, a Swampert, an Arcanine? Not everyone knows of these pokemon, or wants to waste their time looking up pictures just so you can avoid describing anything. You also, gladly it seems I might add, power played his pokemon;

In the next few minutes, Piloswine performed a Powder Snow, a Skull Bash, a Psywave, a Shock Wave and a Hyper Beam.

I'm not sure if Pilo can even learn Shock Wave or Psywave, and considering one might be a breedable move and the other is a TM, or a move it would have to A: learn from a device or b: Be trained to learn and know and use, you just jumped from Gary Stu-ing a human to Mary Suing pokemon.

Congratulations.

My advice is to read the rules and advice for aspiring author stickies, and to post the next part of the story in this thread, as I doubt you've read either stickies, and were going to break the rule of Posting the story in one thread by creating a second thread. Other wise it wouldn't be called Groudon goes mad Part One.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Well, as much as Dilasc and Renegade have made valid points - double spacing paragraphs is a must and Jason's pokemon DO seem to be 00bers - I'd say you've made a lot more progress than the average newbie. For example, the length is acceptable - new fics are almost always under the acceptable length - so well done there. And whilst Piloswine's moveset seems unlikely (can it REALLY learn all of those moves?) I can almost understand the 'Team of 00bers' thing if you're trying to make Jason a veteran trainer who's put in MANY years of effort into training such a team.

Colour me lame, but I liked his mother's role. You don't often see parents included in fics - apart from a plot device to make the child's eventual escape to the life of a trainer seem more difficult. What you've got here is different. Not perfect in the plot sense (wouldn't a Piloswine like that - not to mention any of the pokemon she gave him - be extremely expensive?) but unique.

What kills your fic, IMO, is that Jason is just a kid. He simply wouldn't have been alive long enough to raise pokemon the way you say he has. He'd have to be in his twenties at LEAST. Too many people try to write a fic where the children end up being heroes, but the reality is that unless they got their pokemon as 00bers (which for some reason still obey them) or fed them a ton of growth enhancing drugs that would probably destroy the poor pokemon anyway, the team they're given simply wouldn't have had the time to get that strong.

I think you're basing this on the game, right? Where it takes only an hour or so to rush a pokemon through the levels if you're clever about it. I find that things like that don't work so well in fanfiction. It's just too easy. You'd find everyone walking around with 00bers - and that's just dull, not to mention a hazard for anyone living in that world.

The point of this is to say that either up Jason's age (late twenties, say? Even then, it's not realistic if you say he's got so many super powerful pokemon at Birch's) or decrease his team's skills and the number of pokemon he has. As a kid, I'd be suspicious of any pokemon he has in it's final evolution stage unless he bought/traded for it that way (or in its second form - maybe). And he certainly couldn't have raised all the pokemon you say he's got at Birch's. Maybe one or two - but that would also bring the quality of his team down cause he'd have spent the time training others. You getting the gist?

Essentially, this is just one of the points, but in my mind, it's the main point to make your story believable. Plus, people seem to like reading about adults almost more than children - there's a greater potential for personality development and power - things that are hard to come by when your character is ten years old.

So I hope this helps you. You're slightly above average in my mind - you've got a more complicated plot and have put more time into writing that the average newbie, but you need to take it that little bit further. Don't worry - it's FUN to create a believable story. Not only do you get the buzz of knowing your work has thought and depth to it, but you often get more respect for writing it anyway. So have fun! And PM me if you when the next chapter goes up if you want a review... I have a tendency to forget about things, otherwise. -_- Until next time, then, good luck!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[~*Myuu the Ryuu*~]

i think this is pretty good! keep up the good work!