PokemonHero
I can see the future
Hello. I don't know how many people besides the ones who post comments in my fan fics have read anything I've written, but for those of you who don't know me, I am PokemonHero and I enjoy writting (hence me being here).
Anyways, I am planning a trilogy of fan fics based on the Guardians of Aura. I came up with idea a few days ago while mowing the lawn. Below is an excerpt from the Prologue--entitled "Discovery"--of the first fic. Please comment on it and suggest ideas on how I could improve on the writing or what I could do with the story. All advice will be very helpful. There is also a commercial in the Commercials thread which also gives some information about the story, so you may wish to check that out.
“Kesshi Saito…” the man with the pistol droned. His voice was as cold as ice, the kind of voice that shows no emotion and sends chills down the spine.
The boy couldn’t believe what he just heard. “H-how do you know my name?” he asked nervously.
“That doesn’t matter,” the other man spoke. His voice was no more reassuring than the other was. “You have something that we want.”
What are they talking about, Kesshi thought to himself. I don’t even know these guys. “I don’t know—”
A gunshot interrupted him. A bullet went whistling by his left ear. Kesshi hit the ground, fearing more shots. He dare not look into the face of the man with the gun, fearing that if he did, it would be the last thing he did.
“That was a warning,” the man rasped as. “Unless you want to feel hot lead in your heart, I suggest you do not argue with us.”
Kesshi wanted to speak, to make his point known to them. The fear of being shot, however, kept him quiet. He shook his head in frustration, anger beginning to build up in his chest.
“You are coming with us,” the man spoke again as he walked towards Kesshi, his pistol still pointed at Kesshi’s heart.
Many things ran through Kesshi’s mind as the man drew closer: his friends, his family…everything he knew was being taken away from him. The man was now only a few feet from him. He reached out and grabbed Kesshi’s right arm…
Suddenly he let out a scream of pain and let go. He staggered backward, looking between Kesshi and his hands. Kesshi was very confused to the least. What…
He looked down where he was grabbed and gasped. A blue, pulsating light surrounded his entire arm. “What the hell is this?” he asked himself under his breath as he looked at his arm. Whatever it is, it caused him a great deal of pain. He looked up to the man and found himself staring down the barrel of the pistol.
Bam. There was no time to react. Kesshi shut his eyes, waiting for the inevitable. But seconds past and he felt nothing. Slowly he opened his eyes…
He nearly jumped out of his skin. The light that surrounded his right arm only seconds before was now completely covering his whole body, almost like armor. It also felt like something was flowing through his body, like water in a river. Only it felt different than water. It felt…alive, like it had a life of its own.
He now looked at his would-be killer. He dropped his pistol to the ground, backing away from Kesshi like he had seen a ghost. Kesshi came back to his feet, walking towards the man now, feeling his anger rising to epic heights. He felt like he was invincible, like nothing could hurt him.
Then, giving absolutely no thought to it, as if he did it everyday, he clapped his hands together. Almost instantaneously, a sphere of the light formed between his hands, radiating a massive amount of energy. Letting out a cry of rage, Kesshi thrust the sphere as hard as he could at his would-be killer. The man let out a yell that was silenced on contact. The sphere smashed into the man’s sternum and sent him flying across the alley into the wall at one end. For a moment, the man’s body seemingly hung on the wall, like a portrait in a gallery. Then it fell, limp and lifeless, to the ground.
Kesshi looked down at his hands. “What is this?” he contemplated to himself. “How could I do that?”
Kesshi now turned to face his other pursuer. The man was clearly afraid of retribution and attempted to run out of the alley. Kesshi had other plans. He reached out his right hand towards the fleeing man, almost as if he was pointing the man out to someone. Then, just as the man was about to turn the corner out of the alley, he jerked his arm back towards his body, as if he was pulling on a rope. The man let out a cry as he suddenly found himself flying backwards towards Kesshi. He landed in a pile on the ground a few feet away from Kesshi.
The man groaned in pain and started to try to stand only to find Kesshi charging up another ball of light, similar to the one that had felled his comrade. He went to his knees and put his hands together almost reverently. “Please,” he pleaded, his eyes diverted from Kesshi. “Please don’t kill me. I-I promise I’ll leave you alone. Just don’t kill me.”
Kesshi looked upon the man and shook his head. “You attack me from behind,” he began gravely, in a voice very much unlike his own. “You threaten to kill me. Then when things turn bad, you turn and flee. And you expect to me to show remorse?”
He thrust the sphere towards his target. The man covered his head, in hopes of somehow surviving the blast. However, it proved to be futile as the sphere slammed into his chest and thrust him into the air. His body flew up…up…up high into the air, only to come crashing down into the dumpster that Kesshi had hidden behind only minutes earlier, now serving as his final resting place.
Almost as soon as he had taken out the second man, the light that had surrounded his body disappeared suddenly. Just as suddenly, Kesshi fell to his knees, breathing heavily. It felt as though all the energy in his body disappeared. He looked down at his hands. “What...was…”
“That, my young friend, was aura.”
Kesshi looked up. A tall figure stood nearby in the shadows in such a way that it was impossible to determine any definitive feature. He spoke in a smooth and reassuring voice.
The sudden appearance of this person surprised Kesshi. “Who…” But before he could finish, he was overcome by exhaustion and collapsed to the pavement. His world suddenly became shrouded in darkness.
<End Excerpt>
Yeah it is actually a good portion of the Prologue, but I couldn't find a definite spot to end the preview.
Anyways, I am planning a trilogy of fan fics based on the Guardians of Aura. I came up with idea a few days ago while mowing the lawn. Below is an excerpt from the Prologue--entitled "Discovery"--of the first fic. Please comment on it and suggest ideas on how I could improve on the writing or what I could do with the story. All advice will be very helpful. There is also a commercial in the Commercials thread which also gives some information about the story, so you may wish to check that out.
Guardian: The Beginning
Excerpt from Prologue (Discovery)
Excerpt from Prologue (Discovery)
“Kesshi Saito…” the man with the pistol droned. His voice was as cold as ice, the kind of voice that shows no emotion and sends chills down the spine.
The boy couldn’t believe what he just heard. “H-how do you know my name?” he asked nervously.
“That doesn’t matter,” the other man spoke. His voice was no more reassuring than the other was. “You have something that we want.”
What are they talking about, Kesshi thought to himself. I don’t even know these guys. “I don’t know—”
A gunshot interrupted him. A bullet went whistling by his left ear. Kesshi hit the ground, fearing more shots. He dare not look into the face of the man with the gun, fearing that if he did, it would be the last thing he did.
“That was a warning,” the man rasped as. “Unless you want to feel hot lead in your heart, I suggest you do not argue with us.”
Kesshi wanted to speak, to make his point known to them. The fear of being shot, however, kept him quiet. He shook his head in frustration, anger beginning to build up in his chest.
“You are coming with us,” the man spoke again as he walked towards Kesshi, his pistol still pointed at Kesshi’s heart.
Many things ran through Kesshi’s mind as the man drew closer: his friends, his family…everything he knew was being taken away from him. The man was now only a few feet from him. He reached out and grabbed Kesshi’s right arm…
Suddenly he let out a scream of pain and let go. He staggered backward, looking between Kesshi and his hands. Kesshi was very confused to the least. What…
He looked down where he was grabbed and gasped. A blue, pulsating light surrounded his entire arm. “What the hell is this?” he asked himself under his breath as he looked at his arm. Whatever it is, it caused him a great deal of pain. He looked up to the man and found himself staring down the barrel of the pistol.
Bam. There was no time to react. Kesshi shut his eyes, waiting for the inevitable. But seconds past and he felt nothing. Slowly he opened his eyes…
He nearly jumped out of his skin. The light that surrounded his right arm only seconds before was now completely covering his whole body, almost like armor. It also felt like something was flowing through his body, like water in a river. Only it felt different than water. It felt…alive, like it had a life of its own.
He now looked at his would-be killer. He dropped his pistol to the ground, backing away from Kesshi like he had seen a ghost. Kesshi came back to his feet, walking towards the man now, feeling his anger rising to epic heights. He felt like he was invincible, like nothing could hurt him.
Then, giving absolutely no thought to it, as if he did it everyday, he clapped his hands together. Almost instantaneously, a sphere of the light formed between his hands, radiating a massive amount of energy. Letting out a cry of rage, Kesshi thrust the sphere as hard as he could at his would-be killer. The man let out a yell that was silenced on contact. The sphere smashed into the man’s sternum and sent him flying across the alley into the wall at one end. For a moment, the man’s body seemingly hung on the wall, like a portrait in a gallery. Then it fell, limp and lifeless, to the ground.
Kesshi looked down at his hands. “What is this?” he contemplated to himself. “How could I do that?”
Kesshi now turned to face his other pursuer. The man was clearly afraid of retribution and attempted to run out of the alley. Kesshi had other plans. He reached out his right hand towards the fleeing man, almost as if he was pointing the man out to someone. Then, just as the man was about to turn the corner out of the alley, he jerked his arm back towards his body, as if he was pulling on a rope. The man let out a cry as he suddenly found himself flying backwards towards Kesshi. He landed in a pile on the ground a few feet away from Kesshi.
The man groaned in pain and started to try to stand only to find Kesshi charging up another ball of light, similar to the one that had felled his comrade. He went to his knees and put his hands together almost reverently. “Please,” he pleaded, his eyes diverted from Kesshi. “Please don’t kill me. I-I promise I’ll leave you alone. Just don’t kill me.”
Kesshi looked upon the man and shook his head. “You attack me from behind,” he began gravely, in a voice very much unlike his own. “You threaten to kill me. Then when things turn bad, you turn and flee. And you expect to me to show remorse?”
He thrust the sphere towards his target. The man covered his head, in hopes of somehow surviving the blast. However, it proved to be futile as the sphere slammed into his chest and thrust him into the air. His body flew up…up…up high into the air, only to come crashing down into the dumpster that Kesshi had hidden behind only minutes earlier, now serving as his final resting place.
Almost as soon as he had taken out the second man, the light that had surrounded his body disappeared suddenly. Just as suddenly, Kesshi fell to his knees, breathing heavily. It felt as though all the energy in his body disappeared. He looked down at his hands. “What...was…”
“That, my young friend, was aura.”
Kesshi looked up. A tall figure stood nearby in the shadows in such a way that it was impossible to determine any definitive feature. He spoke in a smooth and reassuring voice.
The sudden appearance of this person surprised Kesshi. “Who…” But before he could finish, he was overcome by exhaustion and collapsed to the pavement. His world suddenly became shrouded in darkness.
<End Excerpt>
Yeah it is actually a good portion of the Prologue, but I couldn't find a definite spot to end the preview.