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Hand of Hands

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Zincspider, Oct 14, 2008.

  1. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    Thank you for coming to read my second attempt at a fic.
    I know you have read the 'R' rating on the thread name, but just to clarify, that is for certian chapters where blood and gore are evident. Very, very evident.
    The rest of the chapters are, most likely, rated 'G' (big jump there aye?). But for the sake of playing it safe, I rated it 'R' just to warn anyone.
    So enjoy this fic (if possible), and tell me what you think.
    ~Zinc

    P.S.: I haven't gone back, and changed my tense jumps yet, but I will get to in due time.

    Hand of Hands

    prologue

    “Awake my son, your soul is in place”.

    What? Who is that? That voice? Where am I? Who am I?

    These are all questions I ask myself. Questions that flood me because I had just woken up, but from what? I try opening my… eyes? Is that what they are? Yes, my eyes. But they will not. So I have to accept where I am, for I can neither open my eyes or move my… lambs? No, my limbs, that’s the ticket. Wait… what’s a ticket, and what does it have to do with eyes?

    “Awake my son, your soul is in place” repeated the voice. The voice was enthralling. It shook me inside my… head? Yes, my head, and still sounded endearing, and caring. It was as if this voice would take care of me forever, and I would not have to worry. It was a dome that kept me safe in my little world. It was not the voice of a mortal being to be sure, but it seemed to be that of a man… no, not a man, but a father. Apparently I could still hear… whatever that means. How do I get these words in my head? Where are they coming from? I decide to try to speak on my own. But no words come out of me, or what I believe is me, for I cannot do anything still. Instead, the voice is there, and cannot be defined by any of the words in my vocabulary. The best I can call my voice is there, that’s all it was. It didn’t have sound of it’s own, it just existed. That’s all.

    “Yes” I answered back to the great boom of my protector. Again I try to open my eyes, but if they are there, they aren’t responding.

    “My child, what are you thinking?” asked the great voice, sliding over inside my head like water in a creek.

    “I am thinking nothing; I know nothing, but words that come when I need them. How did I obtain this knowledge? How did I get here? Who are you?” I ask in my non-existent voice. After this I hear a deep rumble inside me, something that condones… humor? What is that? A laugh! The voice was laughing at me.

    “Thinking nothing? It seems you are thinking more than nothing to have so many questions. I can answer only one of these questions for now. I am known by many names. The Judge, The Creator, The Bane of Evil, or more used, Arceus.”

    I racked my thoughts to find the meaning of these words, but one came to mean the most to me. Arceus.

    “Arceus! Are you not a god?” my voice shouted… or got near to shouting. I can’t really tell, but it seemed like the volume rose. My mind raged with the possibility of actually speaking with this being of myth. The voice of Arceus laughed again, the sound shaking my conscious.

    “So I am called by the weak-minded. No, I am not a god. But merely the hand of a so called god. I exist to do the bidding of a higher authority, and nothing else.”

    “But, my knowledge tells me you created all… life? Yes, all life. You created everything.”

    “No, my son, I merely shaped the creatures of the Earth. I was not the one to breath life into my creations. Only the one I work for may achieve such a task.” Arceus replied, soothing my raging thoughts with every word. But one thing caught me in his sentence. Earth. It seemed like such a familiar word. Why?

    “I see, but I have more questions. Why am I here? Who am I?” I asked in my voice. I held off on the Earth question, hoping he would tell me without me needing to ask.

    “Again my child, I can answer only one question. I have called your soul back from beyond the brink. I have studied your exploits from life for a long time, and have decided that what you have done deserves a great reward. You are a great source of justice, and courage. A great example of life. And what you did before passing, well qualifies you for this.” Arceus explained, still getting to the point.

    “You are truly the most worthy of my children, and I will provide you with the means to serve me forever. You shall be 'The Hand of Hands', and make what I desire on Earth to become a reality. You will be the Peace-Maker, the War Ender, and the Gavel of the Gods. Being a hand of The Higher Authority, I can have no contact with Earth, but you will be my hand, and will help me achieve a better world. Will you accept this position?” Arceus asked. I was still confused by this. What did he mean?

    “But I will not let you go without a choice. I will respect your choice if you wish to return to the beyond, and go back to eternal peace. For be warned, if you take my offer, there is no guarantee you will be able to return.” He explained, still leaving many things unclear to me. What eternal peace, and what was this talk of Gavel of the Gods? Did he wish to send me to Earth? Was that what he was implying? Did he want me to go back, and make this Earth a better place? But more thoughts raised to my mind. Thoughts of other deities.

    “What of Palkia, and Dialga? Do they not control what happens anywhere also? Time and Space must rule over all, right?” I asked. Arceus let his laughter roll in my thoughts once more.

    “No, Palkia just keeps space in balance. The same with Dialga. All they do is keep their charge from collapsing. But you will do more than that. You will make sure all goes well for life, you will become a legend”.

    I had to think over this. I had no idea what he was offering, but it sounded good. Helping this Earth sounded like a good thing. My mind defined good, as something… good. It seemed strange, but it made perfect sense to me.
    I didn’t speak for a space of time, that cannot be defined, as it took no defined time (it could have been a minute or hours, only Dialga could tell) I decided.

    “I accept your offer, even though I still don’t understand it all the way. I wish to know more of this Earth, and what life I used to have. Which makes me ask. What of my other questions?” I answered, confidant in my decision. Arceus let out a sound I can only interpret as a shout for joy, then replied.

    “I am glad to hear it my son, and as for your other questions, they will be answered in due time. But now, I will settle your soul into a new body, for your old one was ravaged and destroyed. This one will be truly worthy of The Hand of Hands, the only being on Earth who communicates directly with the Hands of The Higher Authority. Serve me well, serve me well.” and with that, I felt a sensation of falling. With the last few words, Arceus’s voice seemed to be fading.

    “Arceus! Will I speak to you again?” I yelled in my there voice. His laugh started fading out of my head, and he answered.

    “I will guide you to my wishes. And remember, you are ‘The Hand of Hands’, and you should be known as such. Do not let anything of your past life soil the beginning of a new one. You will find your past in due time. In due time. Go forth, my Hand. And wait for a message from me.” he rushed, the voice of Arceus, fading fast as I fell. Then it was gone, and I stopped moving. I did feel a new sensation though.

    This is cold. Why am I cold? And tired. Why?

    And I let my feeling of tiredness take over me. I fell asleep in the cold that surrounded me, feeling insecure without the voice of Arceus soothing me, and the confusing statements he made, still ringing in my head.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2008
  2. psyrose3

    psyrose3 Well-Known Member

    I'm the first reviewer? Oh joy...

    *snort*

    That "what" doesn't have to be capitalized...

    Shouldn't there be another ' at the end?

    Speak. And there should be a question mark there...

    Your past.

    Other than that, I commend you for your hard work. This is WAY better than your old fic. Keep it up! ;)

    ~Psy
     
  3. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    Thanks.
    I went back and corrected my mistakes.
     
  4. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    Chapter 1: The Hand Awakens


    When I woke up, I opened my ‘eyes’ for the first time. I looked up and saw nothing but white. Maybe Arceus had called me back? So I asked the great expanse of whiteness myself.

    “Arceus! Are you there?... huh?” I had startled myself. My voice was not the same as it was when I talked to Arceus last. It had a mechanical quality now, and was masculine. It wasn’t robotic, it sounded like person speaking… but it was metallic. Even stranger, I felt the words come out, and I heard them, but my ‘mouth’ didn’t move. I raised my hand off the ground, and placed it on the area this ‘mouth’ should be (as defined by myself. I have learned to accept whatever my mind tells me now). I felt a smooth, cold, and hard surface where it should have been. I also felt the tiniest holes, so minuscule that I almost didn’t notice them.

    “What am I?” I voiced, lifting my hand in front of my ‘eyes’. I was almost completely metal. I wiggled (what a funny word, wiggled) my fingers and saw the overlapping plates on the joints bend with my every move. I opened it back up and checked my palm. The entire palm and fingers of my hand were covered in a tough, black, leather looking material. I raised my other hand, and touched a finger to the padding. I felt the finger, cold and hard, touch the material. I could feel every little bend in the metal, and the slightest little bump. That’s when I noticed the little white specks falling on my hands, and disappearing on contact.

    Snow. That was what my mind answered for me, as if I had seen them before. But, then again, I probably had in this ‘past life’ that Arceus let me know almost nothing of. This made me want to rack my mind for the information I so seeked. I racked my mind for information on ‘Earth’, and ‘Life’, but nothing came up. It seemed my knowledge was not as full blown as I thought it was. But I was certain of one thing. This was not a normal body.

    I stood up on my legs, and looked down to see this body of mine. It was fantastic, a truly mystifying view.

    The whole thing was silver, save for a couple things. The pads on my hands were black, and a single symbol was visible on my chest. It was a solid gold circle raised above the rest of the metal on the chest, and in the center, was a matching gold hand. The whole thing was three inches in diameter, and reflected the whiteness of the surrounding area. I brushed my right hand over the icon to examine it. Everywhere my arm moved, a plate moved, giving me full flexibility. This was the same with the rest of my body. The pad on my hands rubbed on the emblem.

    There was nothing special, as far I could tell, but I felt something else when I rubbed the chest-plate. A deep rumbling vibration was running inside the cavity of the chest, unheard, and unfelt from the outside. A Motor, my mind supplied. But what could it be running on? All things need another source to run on, don’t they. But before I could delve further into this mystery, I heard something that made all my worries go away, the deep booming voice of a father.

    “My Hand, you have discovered your new body, I see.” Arceus’s voice flowed through my mind, making my questions sound insignificant.

    “Yes, but how did it get here? How does it run? How does it work all together in fact? How can I feel in a machine, why do I have feelings?” I question to the white heavens above. And again, I hear the endearing laugh of Arceus in my head.

    “Finally, a chance to answer all the questions you ask! It works in ways you cannot understand. After all, my knowledge of technology is one hundred times more advanced than any human knows. As for how it runs, it draws on my infinite supply of energy to run itself. And you have thoughts and feelings of your own, for you are not a program, but a soul that live in the machine.” This I understood… well I tried. It seemed only natural that Arceus could do things no other life-form could. Something else stood out to me though. Human. It sounded so familiar, but it was another thing that my knowledge had no info on.

    “Alright, but how did it get here? I thought you could have no contact with ‘Earth’, so how could you get it here? And… what is a human?” I asked, still gazing at the pure white sky.

    “I have to pull some strings to have my creation placed on ‘Earth’, and that is exactly my basis. It was a creation, which required no life to be breathed into it, so it was allowed to be placed. As for humans… they are one of my greatest creations.”

    “Was I a human?”

    “At one point, yes. I suppose I should tell you of my creations. I made two kinds of life-forms on ‘Earth’, humans, and Pokémon. The humans were more intelligent, and used tools to bring them to the top of the food chain. The Pokémon, even though they were more powerful, were not nearly as smart, and soon were controlled by humans. You see, after a course of time and many technological breakthroughs, humans discovered a way to ‘capture’ Pokémon and train them for their own needs. Most Pokémon did not mind, they didn’t understand that they were losing their freedom, and just accepted that fact they were cared for by the humans. The others tried hiding, and wanted nothing to do with humans, but they were found too. Humans went as far, as to make Pokémon fight against each other, just for their own views of glory. These humans were compassionate for the Pokémon they captured though. Most of them, at least. There have been several groups dedicated to using my creations for nefarious deeds, and destruction. Many have planned to rule over all life by use and sacrifice of Pokémon. It is people like this you will need to take care of.” Arceus stated, giving me the history of his creations.
    “What do you mean take care of?” I asked, raising my arms. I found this to be strange. This body would take some getting used to.

    “You will need to send them in for judgment. But did I make myself clear on what humans and Pokémon were?”

    “Well… what do they look like?”

    “Humans look mostly the same. Bipedal, and speak one language. But Pokémon can range from large, to small, from green to orange. They are diverse, creatures. In fact, sometimes, they are more of a danger than a human. In fact, your first task will be to send a Pokémon in for judgment. Do, I know it will take some time to get used to your new body, so this will be an easy task.” He answered, subduing my questions for the moment.

    I was actually excited to get going with the mission… after all, that’s why I am here.

    “What is it?”

    “My Hand. You are to head straight ahead until you reach a cave. In it you will find a Piloswine… a Pokémon. It has killed two humans that have wandered into the cave. It now has a taste for blood, and will not stop there. You need to send it in for judgment.” Arceus requested. I thought about that last part again. Send it in for judgment. What was that supposed to mean?

    “What does that mean… send it in for judgment?” I inquired.

    “You must end its life. It is now a liability to all other creatures, and must be destroyed, and brought to the afterlife for judging.” I felt… sad at the sound of this. It was still strange to feel at all inside this body, but it was there. Why I felt this way was a mystery. There wasn’t a reason to be sad was there?
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2008
  5. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    I have realized tha not all of my chapters can be rated 'R', but oly ones with a fight scene. I will warn you when these occur.
    Sorry for the double post, I just needed to let my readers know this... and we all know they don't go back to the first post after reading it.
    I hope you enjoy, and I hope you all tell me how I can improve.(That means Yami too... I can take what she has to tell me... without giving lip back.))
    ~Zinc
     
  6. Torpoleon

    Torpoleon Well-Known Member

    Yeah this is good.
     
  7. haitianzero

    haitianzero Active Member

    Very interesting piece here. The plot is a lot more grand and complex than your other story. Though, I believe you need to describe the environment a bit more so readers can have a vivid image of the main character's surroundings. I like the philosophical aspects of this story, especially this stories perspective on creation. I can see a lot of twists and turns that may come from the plot.

    Though, I need to pick at you grammatically. You have been doing an awful amount of tense shifting (i.e. using "was" for some sentences, and then using "is" for others). Make sure to keep your narrative tense consistent. You must either stick to only past-tense or present-tense when writing a story, not jumping in between.

    Don't use single quotation marks when emphasizing a word, especially in dialogue. In dialogue, italicize the word if you want to emphasize it. Actually, do the same everywhere. The appropriate time to use single quotation marks is when someone is repeating or quoting someone else in their dialogue.

    I'm waiting for the next chapter to see how this story is going to turn out. So far, you have a decent prologue, though it was a bit confusing, but I think it was supposed to be that way because the main character, The Hand, was also confused.

    Question, is this character going to get a name or will he continue to be called "The Hand"?

    BTW, this is the second fic I reviewed of yours. I would appreciate if you could swing by mines and comment as well. Take care and good luck.
     
  8. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    Thanks, and of course I will read yours.

    I will go and shange the 'eye's to eyes and so on and so forth, when I have enough time to go back and fix everything.
    EDIT: I did chapter 1 like I was supposed to. Now on to chapter two

    The past tense is what I am trying to use, so I will go back and change the is, to whats, and so on and so forth.

    As for The Hand getting his name... he will find it out, but whether he will want to keep it will be a mystery.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2008
  9. Silawen

    Silawen Fanfiction Critic

    A review, as you requested. I may have to do it in seperate parts, because I''m at a relative's house and might be called away at any moment, but I hope that's okay. Hopefully it'll be of help to you as well, this review.

    -

    I would use either 'awaken' or 'wake', because 'awake' is generally used in combination with 'being'. Also, it gets a comma because this is a case of direct address. When someone is referring to a specific person, whether by name, title, or anything that specifies them, then it gets a comma before it.

    Like: 'Hello, Amy' or 'Bye, Mother'.

    Speech, when it is followed by a speech verb, is written like this:

    "Hello," said Amy.

    Notice the comma and the lower case word following it? 'Said' (or 'hollered', 'asked', 'inquired', 'whispered' etc.) gets a comma, unless another form of punctuation gets precedent. (Questions marks are an example of this.) That happens with speech related verbs. She's saying, directly, the hello. Now this example is different:

    "Hello." Amy waved.

    She's not 'waving' the hello. She's saying 'hello' and then waving, so the sentence after it isn't directly linked to the 'hello'.

    See how that works? ^^

    You keep switching between past and present, which makes it hard to suggest how to write this. Choose, at the beginning, what you want. Either it's 'I can' and then 'it doesn't' or 'I could' and 'it didn't'. That goes for you entire paragraph, because you keep switching between the two.

    Also 'it's' is a combination of 'it is', not the possessive of 'it'. ;)

    This reads a bit choppy. Perhaps rewrite it? Something like this may work and makes sure there isn't unnecessary repetition:

    No, I am not a god, but merely the hand of one.

    I would clarify what you mean by 'hand', though, it sounds a bit...particular.

    Another example, there are others before and after this, of writing speech. :)

    More direct address and speech. I don't think I have to point this out after this, but I figured I'd mention it one more time. ;)

    Since 'well' is a clear pause, it gets two commas. You pause, then continue with the sentence.

    I'm a bit iffy about the 'you deserve something special because you did awesomely' ploy, but we'll see what happens.

    Wow, so God's right hand - sorry, Arceus - thinks this guy is the most worthy? He must have done really great things. I do wonder why Arceus chose this guy to do all those things, or why it is even necessary.

    Using 'make' in relation to 'a reality' makes the 'to become' obsolete, really.

    Also, I'm assuming you meant 'Gavel of the Gods', not someone who sweeps gavel off of them.

    This sentence is a bit awkward, especially its use of commas. I would move it around a bit, because this way removing 'that cannot be defined' - which you should be able to do when the sentence is between two commas like that - leaves a very odd sentence. Also, the repeated use of 'defined' sounds a bit off. How about:

    I didn't speak for a space of time, one that cannot be defined as its length was unclear - it could have been a minute or several hours, only Dialga could tell - I decided.

    A confidant is someone you confide is, you meant 'confident' here.

    Remove the comma, otherwise 'the voice of Arceus' is an unrelated sentence segment. It wouldn't work on its own like that.

    -

    Rounding off, it really looks like you've worked hard. This is larger, more in-depth and better thought out. There are small punctuation problems and a problem with past/present tense that needs to be worked on, but overall it's a rather big improvement.

    The only thing I'm worried about is the plot of 'this person is special and chosen by the gods'. It has a big chance of failing due to people not being able to relate and it makes me worry if this can be written without falling in the trap of making him (her?) a stu.

    That's it so far, let me know if you have questions. I'll have a look at your first chapter soon, as well. Good luck!
     
  10. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    Ahhh... I expected someone to say they might be a Sue.
    But worry not. There is a reason Arceus chose 'em. If he is going to pick someone to go and help your mother, will you choose a killer? Nope- the mother thing was hypithetical too-, at least I wouldn't. Not remembering anything is important also.
    But the sue thing was what I was afraid people would say. Don't worry, I have a twist or two in here planned.
    I will get to work on all of these problems, seeing as I am already working on the past tense thing.
     
  11. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    It feels akward to me, reading this in first person. Mostly as how unrealistic it feels for someone with supposedly so little knowledge can describe himself, his surroudings [his own gender] and everything else so well; and I have never before really encountered a 'tl;dr' moment in my life.

    Untill Arceus answered the question of if the main character was human, and it took a whole god damned paragraph of speaking for Arceus to simply say; Yes.

    It also feels strange that a god who can create flesh and blood, would have built a mechanical body to house a soul; would it not be easier to turn a living creation into a deity? Or even forge a form from the elements themselves such as a golem [aka the Regis?], it's also strange to have something that shouldn't feel anything; feel sensations such as cold, soft, hard, hot so easily.

    And it seems .. silly and .. so little for a Hand of the Gods to dole out punishment to a Piloswine; when A other pokemon should be safe from it and B: when humans find out creatures HAVE become man eaters, or killers.. even if far fetched a posse of people usually mount up, or take to the skies or the seas or the trees and well, kill the creature.

    So why would one evil act, deem worthy enough for Arceus himself to draft up and send out his own little personal executioner?

    It also worries me because of something so trivial, that Arceus is using for an example of judgement, what happens when the Hand or if the Hand corrupts and decides to try and play Judge ANd Jury to over people for the simplest mistakes?

    I mean this takes away free will and the chance, or choice, to repent for actions.

    Then there's the fact the description as I said seems stiff, and unlikely for first person for the prologue, and the first chapter could have been better, less of stiff description and dialogue and maybe more interaction and emotion, and smoother description.

    It also could have been longer; and not cut off at being told to kill a Piloswine, maybe a better explination. A better reason; or the hand going through turmoil of these thoughts as he walked, and the better clifhanger was getting to the cave where the rabid- I'm sorry evil- no wait, the lost soul or whatever, came out charging cause lolz humanz [even if he's not.]

    All in all you are trying; but you're still rushing. You need to take more time. Put more effort, try and make everything flow and seem to make sense because at the moment I have to agree with Silawen a bit, this is coming off dangerously Sue because, not for MONUMENTAL TASKS. But because Arceus wants him to pretty much do the mortals dirty work and take out the trash and not do anything really, and truly important.

    I mean seriously, culling a rabid Piloswine?
     
  12. haitianzero

    haitianzero Active Member

    I disagree with some things here. I believe your question here can wait. We only got the prologue and the first chapter so far, so not all things can be answered so quickly. Our society is revolving more and more around instant gratification, which is why I think you want your questions to be already answered by the first prologue/chapter.

    Also, the aspect of "The Hand" being corrupt by its power and duties may add a nice spin and twist to the story. We shouldn't limit the story and its possibilities. I think the reason why you're worried is because we don't have all the information yet. The whole story is still fuzzy and vague. I've come to understand that a lot of stories won't have concrete beginnings.

    Zinc seems to be holding out information, but it's mostly likely for plot and pace reasons. I do the same for my fics, since it leaves the reader asking a lot of questions, thus creating the curiosity.

    I strongly agree with Yami's point here. I can't honestly say I can view the scenes through "The Hand"'s eyes. I don't feel like I'm the main character. If "The Hand" turns out to be a robot, meaning without emotions, then this would be a very bad decision because we need to identity with your main character(s), and we need emotions and experiences to strongly identity, sympathize, and empathize with that character.

    Now, for the Sue debate, I don't have a belief yet. I think we would have to see exactly what "The Hand" does in this situation, and what happens afterward to truly decide if this character is a Sue. I agree with the others that it is leaning towards it because "The Hand" can immediately label the emotions it is feeling, and everything else that is perceived through the senses.

    If I read this story right, "The Hand" already had a past life, and was probably dead before it got its body, therefore, it starting a new life, or we can call it reincarnation. If that's the case, then the said incarnate must be foreign too all emotions and sensations it experiences. I think Zinc should have made a different approach to the whole "living a new life" portion of the story. If Zinc had showed "The Hand" experiencing such emotions, but still not being able to label them until someone lets him know, that would be feasible. I think "The Hand" would have to learn about emotions and whatnot just like a child would.
     
  13. You switched from past to present tense in this sentence.
    Sounds like more of an order than a request.
    You could have used a comma between sad and was, just for emphasis.

    I do agree with the above posts, spend a bit more time on your chapters, and make sure your character has emotions and feelings, so we can still identify with him.
     
  14. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    Ahhh... how I wish i knew how to work the multi-qoute button. But, alas, I do not.
    Well, I see your points, and I see some flaws in a couple of them. Just a few.

    The fact no-one has all the information yet is on purpose, as Zero said. I am holding it back for twist and turns, not yet known to you.

    The killing if the Piloswine, and why he is even bothering, will be explained soon. But you all are right, I should have went into more detail and told why in that chapter.

    Now for his body. I failed to explain the pads on his hands were sensor pads, and could touch and feel. It slipped my mind, and I will definitly go back and make sure that is changed. The reason for a mechanical body is so he is acctually able to acomplish what tasks the Hands(Arceus, Palkia, Dialga, ect. That will be explained shortly too) will give him. This is really a practice that he will be doing. The rest will be grander, and make more sense.

    As for some of what you mentioned, such as the Hand going corrupt. I rather not tell what happens, seeing that either way it would ruin what happens later.
    -------------
    Overall, I really need to explain a bit(maybe more than a bit) more in my capters. But I will not tell too much, seeing as it might ruin some things later. When I put the next part up, most of the problems will be answered. As for the others... time will tell.

    EDIT: Zero, you are right about the emotions. I will have to go back over that too.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2008
  15. Hush

    Hush Freudian Slip Girl

    Just click the + button under each post you want to quote, located next to the quote button and then just post and you'll have all the quotes there. xD

    Hehe, hope that makes up for my tardiness in reviewing. ^^'''''

    Okay, here's the deal - I'm glad other people have done the grammar bit already since I'm hardly qualified to do it when my own is lacking so bad, plus I didn't see anything wrong anyhow, so that rocks. xD

    As for the main character (er- the Hand is the main character, right?), I'll level with ya - it's not my personal favourite type of character (had to use the word 'character' three times... >.>) and he kinda reminds me of Robocop. xD

    However, my personal preferences have nothing to do with the fact that, as far as characters go, you drew him out rather well. You were consistent with his personality from the very beginning and I hope you'll either keep it up (in case you want to keep him a 'machine') OR develop it gradually through various situations (in case you decide to bring out his former, human nature). :D

    My favourite bit was when the Hand was using words and, at the same time, wondering on their meaning and why he'd used them. xD It was really realistic and MUCH more effective than just saying:"Oh, no, I have no idea who I am!" xD

    Of course, both the prologue and the first chapter left me with a LOT of questions in regards to the plot, but I always say - if you're going to read something, have faith in the writer. ;D I'm sure you'll fill in the blanks soon enough.

    Um...that's it! xD Don't get comfortable, though, I'm one of those annoying people who always try to guess the plot in advance. xD Come next chapter and I get a bit more info, I switch into Sherlock Holmes of the fanfic world mode! xD

    (though for NOW, I think I smell a future rebel going against his own creator ;D )
     
  16. Air Dragon

    Air Dragon Ha, ha... not.

    Finally, time to roll out my review!

    Yeah, so I've left it long enough to let everybody point out the problems i could have had with the fic.

    Personally, I think it's rather intriguing to have this android/cyborg/whatever it's meant to be tell the story from his own point of view. The way you portrayed his feeling sadness and/or pity for the Piloswine was phenomenal.

    To add to what Yami and Silawen said, if you're gonna pull off a first person narative, you'll need to keep your tenses sharp and in concord through out the chapter.

    As to the plot issues, I'll wiat a few more chapters before i have anything to say there.

    So, good job so far. I'll be watching this... from the depths of beyond.

    L@er!
     
  17. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    Wow!
    Thanks for the info guys.
    This is all helping, and be sure I will make sure to correct my mistakes.
    But I don't have much time to be on.
    Thanks again.
     
  18. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    Sorry for this double post thing, but I have sad news.
    I cannot go back and change my chapters for some reason. I try to edit them, but it tells me that I am not authorized to do so.
    You will just have to rely that I will not make the same mistake again.
    Really sorry about that guys/gals.
     
  19. Zincspider

    Zincspider My Bloody

    Hey, finally got the new chapter *woohoo*. Well this whole chapter will be told as Arceus being the main character. It will be in third-person, seeing as The Hand is the only one I write in first. It will also answer MANY questions, seeing as you need answers, and the Hand can’t know them yet. So enjoy, the chapter that should have been the prologue.

    Chapter 2: Gathering of Hands

    Arceus looked down through his bowl at his creation. He shook his head as he turned the viewing bowl off, he had felt bad about telling this innocent soul to do his dirty work.

    He looked at his reflection in the clear pool of water, which had been white with snow just a second ago. His wrinkled old face was in a small frown, and his white goatee shone with a brilliance not known on Earth.

    His eyes twinkled a beautiful gold, that just breathed good fortune. Unfortunately, they were creased in sadness. He took no pride in ending a life, but it had to be done. He backed away from the white marble basin, and turned to the room in front of him. It was a glorious hall, made only of white and black marble.

    “Ah. Marble. I really have to thank Groudon for creating it,” sighed Arceus, looking at his hall. He glided across the floors, his golden robes trailing behind him. The windows carved into the walls gave no light. It was complete darkness outside, but Arceus liked their look on the place.

    He moved to the giant, black marble table in the middle of the hall. It could easily seat one hundred of his humans. He pulled a black marble seat out from the matching table, and sat down. He looked out the window across from him into the eternal darkness.

    “So, a goal I have been working on for centuries has finally been achieved. But for what? How will this soul bear the responsibility?” he asked the darkness, his voice a shade weaker from when he was talking to his Hand. He thought for a second, and decided. It would bear it well. All too well.
    -
    *Approximately five centuries ago*

    Arceus stood at the head of his table. He looked at the prepared seats, and decided he was ready. He raised his arms, and yelled to the heavens.

    “Hands! We need to meet! Report to my hall!” he bellowed, shaking his solid marble quarters. When he finished, he looked back at the table, and waited for his guests. Several seconds later , a giant flash created an overpowering glow and created a loud cracking noise. Afterwards, several beings were seated around the table.

    To Arceus’s right, a tall thin man wearing a black robe with red arms sat. He ran his pale hand through his oily, pitch black hair. A grimace widened under the beak-like nose on his thin face.

    To his right, a striking woman wearing a baby blue robe that draped over her figure sat with a smile. She curled her long pink hair around her finger, and one could swear that with every stroke, a sigh or a scream could be heard.

    Then cam a large man with tanned leather like skin. His short red hair was in a crew cut, and his ever-present smile was showing under his goatee. He wiped his grimy hands on his tan shirt, letting the dirt smudge it instead.

    To Arceus’s left, a dark colored man with a wrinkled face, and white hair and beard was looking stern. His grey robes billowed around his legs, and a faint aura of stillness surrounded him. His hands were folded over his chest. To his left sat another man, this time pale skin, but with the same white hair and goatee. His robes were ragged at the bottom, and when you looked close enough, it seemed like bits of the pink cloth were billowing in and out of existence.

    A little girl with green hair sat next to the man in the pink robe. Her lair was slightly wild, and could be mistaken for a fern if viewed from a distance. A pink hibiscus was stuck, snugly behind her right ear.

    Arceus gave a quick glace around the room. Everyone seemed to be present. Good, he didn’t want to have to wait to present his plan.

    “Greetings Hands. Please present your name and field for the records,” Bellowed Arceus, raising his arms. He then pointed to a floating pen over a likewise floating piece of paper. Sure pens were outdated, but it gave a professional feel to the meeting. The two old men on his left stood up, and presented them selves first. The dark man was the first to speak.

    “Dialga, Hand of Time,” he stated, his voice smooth and free-flowing. He kept his arms folded the whole time, and then the pink robed man spoke.

    “Palkia, Hand of Space,” he declared, his voice more like a brick hitting a pillow. The force of the tone was hard and powerful, but seemed to have a much lower effect on the ears than it should have.
    The thin man with oily hair the color of pitch stood up, slicking his hair once again, and his voice rolled out, filling the air with a stiff, greasy sound.

    “Darkrai, Hand of Memories and Deceit,” the man drawled, sitting back down, unlike the others. The pink-haired lady shook her head, seemingly disapproving of Darkrai’s unprofessional attitude. She brushed of her robes, and spoke up.

    “Cresselia, Hand of Dreams and Nightmares.”
    Arceus nodded, and looked back at the pen and paper. It was scribbling madly, keeping up with the talk. Arceus really had to hand it to Rotom. His technology was exceptional, it was a wonder he wasn’t a high hand. Arceus thought he did deserve some credit though, so he named one of creations after him. He looked back at the table as the large, grimy started to speak.

    “Groudon, Hand of Land” he boomed, his voice having a trace of a great laugh behind every little syllable. He sat back down, causing the solid marble chair to groan under his great weight. Groudon groaned, and clicked his fingers, the marble char expanded slightly, allowing him to sit more comfortably.

    “I love, that you love marble, but other materials of mine are perfectly fine. How about I set you up with some nice Aliminite frames? I can even get them in the swivel variety,” suggested the giant, admiring his work. He loved all of his creations, but marble was just one of his that he left in the heater too long. Sure it looked pretty, but a good metal was always nice.

    “I thank you for the offer, but I must decline,” replied Arceus, looking greatly pleased at the offer. His wrinkled face spread into a smile. He eyes swung to see the last attendant. The little girl stood up, and started speaking.

    “Shaymin, Hand of Nature,” she said with a giggle. She raised her arms, clad with the same leafy material that appeared in her hair, albeit a shade lighter. She adjusted her flower, to make sure it was in the correct position. Even as a Hand, your presentation of yourself was important. It showed that you were in tune with your field, and that you paid attention to your surroundings.
    Arceus nodded once again, everyone was present.

    “And me, Arceus, Hand of Creation and Judgment,” he said quickly, trying to move to his main point. He picked up his staff, and slammed it on the floors. Followed by a loud cracking sound, a sheet of paper appeared in front of everyone. The whole room sat down and took a look at them.

    “In front of you lies my newest creation,” he began, picking up his own copy. He looked at his design with pride, it was genius. He looked across the diagram, every little detail of its inner working were shown. The overlapping metal plates gave full mobilization, and sensor pads underneath everything gave it the sense of touch.

    The head was the slim shape of a human’s, as was the rest of the body. The face was smooth and featureless, save for microscopic holes that acted as speakers and allowed full audibility when speaking, and two slanted rectangles in the right place for eyes. These ocular receptors would give the creation a full view of everything around him. The inner workings even impressed him; the motor would never stick, and ran on Arceus’s own energy. Arceus looked at the other Hands in the room. They were looking over the paper also, noting the design. Darkrai was the first to speak up.

    “So, what is this? A new toy or something?,” he goaded, looking over the paper with scrutinizing eyes. A mutual agreement ran across the table. Meetings were not called often, and they were usually VERY important. Arceus nodded… again.

    “I understand your concern Darkrai. I am fixing to explain my motive,” answered Arceus. He cleared his throat, and began his speech.

    “Ever since we have not been allowed contact with Earth, it has gone downhill. My smarter creations are not as peaceful as they used to be…” he began, but he was rudely interrupted.

    “As they used to be? They divided themselves into countries, and killed each other for imaginary ideals. They believed that land was worth dying for! Listen, I am glad you formed these humans in our image, but you didn’t have to make them such barbarians,” drawled Darkrai, slouching in his seat, waving around the paper like fan. Groudon grunted at this.

    “Are you saying that land is not good? Are you insinuating that my field is not important?”
    Arceus groaned. He wished that fights were less frequent, but, alas, it was not so. Darkrai referred to his creations as barbarians, yet these small fights were just as stupid. Disputes with Groudon usually ended bad though. He wished that the remark would be left alone, he needed almost everyone here for his plan.

    “Settle down, we don’t need this fighting! Do you want to become an Amputee?” he questioned, keeping his voice calm as possible. Groudon, and Darkrai stopped right away. No one wanted to become an Amputee.

    After disobeying the rules of the Higher Authority, a Hand was banished to Earth in the form of a beast for one hundred years. if you did this twice, the third offence got you the ultimate punishment. Your pure being was looked away into a jewel, and hidden on Earth. Your beastly Earth body resided in a deep sleep on opposite sides of the Earth from the jewel, and you were doomed to live out your days doing nothing. Only three Hands had become Amputees. Kyogre and Rayquaza both got in a fight on Earth along with Groudon. They waged the war over whose field was the strongest. Kyogre, and Rayquaza refused to give up, even after being punished twice for the same war. Groudon was smart enough to stop after the first offence. The two could not stop fighting, their only tought was to prove that the Sea or the Sky was better.

    These two weren’t the first Amputees though. Before them was Giratina. The Hand of Death was the ruler of the afterlife, and was in charge of moving souls from one place to the other, between the plane of Earth, and the Torn World, a.k.a. The Final Punishment. This was place that Arceus sent sinners to live out eternity. Soon, Giratina wanted more power, and began to plan a way to steal Arceus’s power. He didn’t want to play second fiddle to him anymore, but he was found out and banished.

    Plotting against your fellow Hands was the highest treason, and deserved instant Amputation. Arceus shivered at the thought of being locked in a small crystal for all of eternity.

    The worst part was that after the main Hands were banished, someone had to take their place. So far, no one had to do anything for Kyogre or Rayquaza, but Arceus now transported souls to the Torn World. It was horrible to have to visit the place that tortured the souls of his creations forever. What was worse was knowing you were leaving more for the same fate.


    “Now, back to my explanation. After we were banned from normal contact with Earth, it has slowly begun to decline. Horrible deeds they are committing are ruining this planet we so dearly love. Lives are being taken away for the sake of “money’ and “pride”. And we can’t do anything! Do we want to see this happen?”

    These words rang around the room. It was a sad thing that Earth was off limits now. The only thing they could do was supply the life on Earth with information on their field. Arceus remembered when Groudon created minerals, and ore himself on Earth. Now he is locked up in his workshop doing the same thing, but without the freedom he once had. Now after Cresselia makes her Dream Dust, she has to get it approved by the Higher Authority to send it to Earth. Rotom can’t even supply Earth with technology when he wants. He is only allowed to give them certain things at certain times.

    “So how, I ask you, are we going to stop this planet from its own destruction? The answer is simple. We create a life form that works for us. A Hand of Hands if you will. This design is the blueprints for this creation. I have chosen the adaptable body of a human for the base, and created the rest to be machine. The soul of a human can be contained in the body, and it can control it. This mechanical body allows it to take on almost any task, whether it be in a sweltering volcano or a freezing tundra. He can do things that my other models cannot do, only at the price of no reproduction.” He paused to let this sink in. The rest of the room was deep I thought. Arceus continued.

    “I have given it four of the five senses so it can observe its surroundings. The sensor pads, optical receptors, and audio receptors cover sight, hearing, and touch. it can smell to some degree, but not much. Tasting is not important, seeing as it will have no need to consume anything. The engine runs on my energy, so it will never stop.” He paused once again, seeing if any questions were present. Shaymin raised her hand. She seemed to have the most trouble understanding the dynamics of it.

    “Arceus, when I look at this, I wonder two things. Are you sure it will work, and how are we going to get a soul in it?” she asked, her voice laced with curiosity. Arceus smiled.

    “I have spoken to Rotom. He says it will work perfectly. And to get a soul in it, all I have to do it Judge on in a way I give it a second chance. I send it back into this body instead of it’s original,” he explained. He looked back at the pen. It was having a hard time keeping up with the speed of the conversation.

    “I just need a majority vote to put it into production. All in favor say ‘aye’,” he instructed. The whole room was soon filled with the sounds of grumbles and mutters. Darkrai, was sitting defiantly, saying nothing. Cresselia spoke very quietly, leaving only a few words discernable, such as “not my problem”, and “still…” Groudon looked back at the schematics, and shook his head slightly. Shaymin was the first to decide.

    “Aye! Some of your creatures are destroying my field. I have seen them tear down forests to make ‘toilet seat covers’. That’s a waste of life,” she piped, her trill voice carrying all the way to the front of the table without much trouble. Arceus smiled a little bit more, glad to have some support. Darkrai looked around, and shrugged.

    “Nay. You have displayed the same argument before Arceus, and this idea is the most far-fetched of them all. Your past creations have been failures. How are we going to be sure it does what we ask? Why don’t we just design a program to run the body? A human soul can choose what it wants to do, and won’t always listen,” he argues, leaning over the smooth table, placing his hands together in front of his thin head. Arceus thought this argument might come up.

    “A human soul will keep its personality no matter what. A program would have no idea what to do in certain situations that we could not foresee, a human can adapt to any situation being resourceful as they are. Knowing this, I have already decided on a soul. It is a zealot, and will not back down from an assignment. In fact I have a file on him…” He trailed of, and raised his staff once again. As it came down with a resounding *CRACK*, a folder popped into existence in front of Darkrai.

    Darkrai opened the white folder by a tab in the top right corner. He was reading it before the top hit the table.

    Arceus looked back around the room. “Anyone else come up with their verdict?”

    Dialga and Palkia stood I unison. The two old men to a glance at each other, and nodded their heads in a agreement. They began to speak simultaneously. Their voices merged together, creating one of the strangest sounds heard. The smoothness of Dialga’s voice melded with Palkia’s force to create an effect that gave the ears a treat, and punishment at the same time.

    “We both choose ‘Aye’. We might not have as much control over Earth as we once had, but this gives us an opportunity to gain a little say over what happens on our creation. We think it is for the best.” The two then sat back down without another word.
    Arceus let his ever increasing smile grow more. Only one more ‘aye’, and it was decided. Cresselia sighed, and gave her decision.

    “Nay. This has nothing to do with me. All I do is provide dreams, and frankly, I don’t care if the being that gets it is malicious or benevolent.” Her tone was harsher than usual, making Arceus wince. It could go either way now. There were no ties if it ended evenly, if it did then the matter was dropped.
    Arceus aimed his eyes at his last hope. Groudon seemed to be fighting with himself inside. But he finally spoke up.

    “Nay. I am sorry Arceus. I love the design and the idea, but the metal needed to do this doesn’t exist yet. It needs to be light-weight and extremely dense. I am working on a similar metal to what is needed right now, but it is not finished. If this is going to work right, you need to wait a little.”

    Arceus was crushed. All of the planning had been brought down to shambles. Of course, things like this were no small matter. He probably rushed them, and gave them no warning. He felt the thought tearing up his insides. Rejection. One of the harsher gifts given to his creation and, like looks and language, another one of the things copied from the Hands themselves.

    All of The Hands gave no other statement, and departed in a poof. All except Darkrai that is. He was still looking in the folder. He seemed to have reached a part that gave him much concern.

    “Arceus, is what I am reading completely true? This is the human we want to use?” he questioned, letting his oily voice get more aggravated than usual. Arceus knew what was coming, but he went to look at the page Darkrai was inspecting anyway.

    He plodded across the smooth floor, making a *clunk* with his staff every step of the way. When he reached the folder, He bent down to look at the page. After a quick glance, his suspicions had been proven correct.

    “Yes, it is. That is why I require your services.” said Arceus, his voice more stern than it was the whole time he had explained his plan. Darkrai raised a thin eyebrow.

    “Why? Do you not want him to know this?”

    “No. This is something that he cannot know. It could jeopardize my whole plan. I need your expertise in the memory department to remove it.”

    “Why should I? I don’t like the plan. Plus, how are you going to get the soul? After they pass on, there is no getting them back.”

    Arceus gave a smile that floated up to his eyes and produced a twinkle resembling a kid on Delibirdmass.

    “If it ever goes into effect I need you. And I don’t need to retrieve the soul,” he began, cutting off in mid-sentence to reach inside his robe, and pull out a small white glowing box out of one of the inner pockets. He raised it up, and let the radiance flicker in and out like a dying candle. “I have it right here, I pulled it out of line and decided to give its judgment later. Perfectly lawful.”

    Darkrai raised his eyebrow even higher.

    “I like your style old man. So, I guess I can do it." He muttered, then shook his head. "Only because I could use him mind you... But removing something like this could wipe out a whole section of memory. Sure his vocabulary will be intact, but all memories of Earth will have to be removed. If I tried to only remove those parts, I would do damage to everything else. After all, we did choose this guy for his personality.”

    He let out a little grin that brought Arceus’s mood up again. Maybe he could still salvage this project. He just needed to think it out more.
    -
    *Present Time*

    Arceus gave a slight smile. After Darkrai did the procedure, and removed the memory, it should have been fine. He couldn’t be reminded of it. No, five hundred years of nothing probably helped that too.

    Arceus got back up and walked to the basin again, to watch his Hand of Hands progress across the pure white landscape.

    This mission was purely a test run, to see what this creation could handle. The real reason he was down there was horrible. No matter how proud Arceus was of his creation coming to life, he wished it didn’t have to come to this. But drastic times call for drastic measures.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2009
  20. Krug

    Krug .


    I like this Fan-Fic, very deep and complex, just as I like it. I enjoy how you've described the Legendaries, and I really hope you continues this. Just a few questions though, about the hands. What of Regigigas? Puller of Contenents? Or Lugia and Ho-oh? Just some things you should look into for the next chapter.
     

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