All of them will be posted in four hours, but it might take me more than hour to post all the rankings if Serebii lags. :x
As Gold walks towards the Ilex Forest, he tells himself, “Okay, I have healed Pokémon, a beating heart, some stocked up items, and a nice case of self spirit. But the only thing I need is a nice meal. Ugh, I’ll get food once I reach Goldenrod City.”
Just then, while Gold makes a turn before seeing the Celebi Shrine, a little boy jumps out for help.
The little boy asks, “Oh please sir, please sir, help my find my friends!” The little boy would not let go of Gold until he gives him an answer.
Gold replies, “I’m really sorry kid, but my old friend is coming back from Kanto, so I need to go see her.”
The kid pouts, “Fine! Just leave me here while I cry in shame where I don’t know where my friends are. And so you can go meet your friends.” The little boy sits down, crisscrossed, with his arms the same.
Gold gave up, “Alright…I’ll help you find your friends.”
The little boy got jolly, “You will? Thank you, mister!”
Gold stated, “Only if you help me find my way out of the Ilex Forest, deal?” Gold brought out his hand, to shake.”
The little boy brought his hand out, too, “Deal!” The two shook their hands together. “Oh and by the way, you can just call me “Pip”, everyone does.”
Gold gives a little laugh, “Ok then, Pip, what’s your friends look like?”
Pip got a little down face, “Well, it’s pretty big to explain, but you got to swear NOT TO TELL ANYONE. Promise me, sir.”
Nurse Joy calls to Gold, “Excuse me, Gold? You have a phone call waiting. Just be sure to answer it, quick.”
The first quote you have the paragraph present tense, while in the second quote you have the paragraph start in past tense and then in present tense (the bolded parts are the verbs in past tense) . In short, you need to decide which tense you want to put for the story and also that you keep it consistent. Switching tenses can really distract a reader. I know because tenses are my weakness point in grammar too.Gold smiled nicely, as if this seemed like good news, “Ah, thanks Nurse Joy.” Gold then scurried to the phones to see who is calling him. He picks up the phone and sees that it’s Kris on the screen!
Bolded sentence seems incomplete. I think combing the second and third sentence and have it like this is more complete and conveyed what you’re trying to say: “Ending up in Azalea Town, Gold heads over the Pokémon Center to see how his Pokémon had trained enough for today.”Though, this was going to be Gold’s lucky day. Ending up in Azalea Town, Gold heads over the Pokémon Center. Seeing how his Pokémon had trained enough for today.
Gladly.Kris glad fully told Gold, “It’s quite funny actually.
Pichu. No apostrophe before the s as there is nothing that belong to the two Pichus.“Pichu! Pichu Pi Pichu!” The two Pichu’s say in jolly remark, and jump all around Pip with gratefulness and love.
Instead of saying Pip got jolly, show it. Ways to do that is describing how Pip grinned and his eyes went wide with joy, him jumping up and down, him screaming and suddenly hugging Gold, etc.Gold gave up, “Alright…I’ll help you find your friends.”
The little boy got jolly, “You will? Thank you, mister!”
A little down face, like this: ? Don’t make me think that. XD Seriously though, you can just put that Pip frowned.Pip got a little down face, “Well, it’s pretty big to explain, but you got to swear NOT TO TELL ANYONE. Promise me, sir.”
She descended gracefully from the gray clouds, slowly coming down, deeping the cold, heartful air every second. She slowly wasted away as she fell, though some of her still falling. Falling to the earth. The beautiful earth, kissing the ground tenderly as she faded away to liquids. The sun rose over her, saddening her day. She knew she will be gone in a matter of days. Her gray clouds separated, the last of her, kissing my hands as I held them out. My hands, covered in her grace, began to warm up, melting her away.
She covered the ground, covered the trees.
She was everywhere,
Shrouded in white.
Her touch cold as ice, but beautiful.
She Is Winter.
She descended gracefully from the gray clouds, slowly coming down, deeping the cold, heartful air every second. She slowly wasted away as she fell, though some of her still falling. Falling to the earth. The beautiful earth, kissing the ground tenderly as she faded away to liquids.The sun rose over her, saddening her day. She knew she will be gone in a matter of days. Her gray clouds separated, the last of her, kissing my hands as I held them out. My hands, covered in her grace, began to warm up, melting her away.
Its as you’re trying to explain the air is losing a possession of some sort. You use “it’s” to explain something like, “it’s cold outside.”The air, losing it’s cold, quickly retreated being replaced by warmth.
Descend.The city, shrouded in white, but beautiful. She covered the town, ready to desend more.
”Myself” is one word. Likewise “of” should have been “off.” The second portion of this quote is just ... confusing. “She is here. Wait, not really. Kay, she really is” is what you're saying. I have a feeling you're trying to be wordy and mimic the “flowery” description style that some of the more advanced authors use, but you have to make sure that what you're saying makes sense. Or that you're doing it within reason and not just for aesthetic reasons.I settled my self of a high cliff, just off Mahogany Town. All alone, no one here. Though there is one ... She is there, not always, but there. She is everywhere.
Descend. The first sentence doesn't work syntax-wise since you're using commas to set off information (much like how parentheses do). The sentence, if you so choose to use commas in the parenthetical way, should make sense should you choose to omit what's in between the commas (for example, read this sentence without the information between the commas and you'll see it still makes sense). So what you're really saying is “The city but beautiful” if you omit what's in between the commas.The city, shrouded in white, but beautiful. She covered the town, ready to desend more. She covered the region with her luxurious touch coveting the small towns with her gifts.
Tugging at his white lab coat, the male, who most called Professor Elm, moved across the room. The walls were a bit molded and the floor creaked underneath the weight of his newly bought brown boots. His green dress shirt swished as he held his palm up to a scanner on the wall. After Silver had taken Totodile a few years back, he had decided to add extra security to the place. Green dress pants brushed his legs as the door slid open. Moving inside he let it close.
This room was neater than the one for he had just left. The overhead was made up of glass, allowing for one to see into the sky. To the far left was a door leading into another room and straight ahead was yet another. Built into the center of the floor was a raising fish tank. Large gray stones sat in the water, small blue crocodiles playing on it. Over in the far corner were two large bags. A bucket sat beside the tank. Moving quickly, Elm scooped a few handfuls of meat out and carried them over to the bucket.
“Feeding time, and than you’ll finally get a new owner,” he told the crocodiles. Emptying the meat into the bucket, he carried them up a hidden stairway. Dropping the meat into the tank, Elm climbed down and with quick steps was at the left door. The sounds of teeth digging into the meat met his ears.
In this part I felt you could have spread out the description of that room instead of jam pack everything in one paragraph just like that. One way is to mention Professor Elm looking through the room and also show more of his feelings and such, like his noise wrinkling in disgust while he scooped the meat into the bucket.This room was neater than the one for he had just left. The overhead was made up of glass, allowing for one to see into the sky. To the far left was a door leading into another room and straight ahead was yet another. Built into the center of the floor was a raising fish tank. Large gray stones sat in the water, small blue crocodiles playing on it. Over in the far corner were two large bags. A bucket sat beside the tank. Moving quickly, Elm scooped a few handfuls of meat out and carried them over to the bucket.
Cyndaquil has a green shell? ._. Don’t think so. However, if I’m wrong, let me know. ^^;A couple of small, yellow mice with a green shell and fire on their back could be seen playing in the sand.
Missing a word between “his” and “he.” Perhaps hair?Running his fingers through his, he pushed back his clipboard.
Then. You use “than” in the context of comparing. I had trouble with this too. XD“Feeding time, and than you’ll finally get a new owner,” he told the crocodiles.
Elm is meat and going to be eaten by the Totadiles soon? XD In all seriousness though, I think you meant trotted.Holding his fingers up, Elm rotted towards the door.
Taking out an empty cart, he wheeled it back to wear he had left.
The bold sentence in this paragraph seems randomly thrown in. You start off with two sentences of character description, then jump back into character description after a line about added security. It doesn't flow well. I suggest moving it around or omitting some of these character description lines since they don't seem important anyway. In fact ... your entire story is description. Listy, straight out description. Did anything ... happen?Tugging at his white lab coat, the male, who most called Professor Elm, moved across the room. The walls were a bit molded and the floor creaked underneath the weight of his newly bought brown boots. His green dress shirt swished as he held his palm up to a scanner on the wall. After Silver had taken Totodile a few years back, he had decided to add extra security to the place. Green dress pants brushed his legs as the door slid open.
I have no idea what pokémon you were describing in the first paragraph. I know one was totodile, the other was chikorita, and I'm assuming this pokémon is a cyndaquil since its considered a mouse pokémon but I really don't see it with the description you have. They don't have green shells, do they? Once we move into the action sequence after Elm's dialogue, I'm not sure what's going on here either. There was a tank? And why did it smell like fish? If you're talking about cyndaquil, you know they're fire types, right? And they're associated with mice, not turtles.A couple of small, yellow mice with a green shell and fire on their back could be seen playing in the sand. “Come along now, the trainers will be here any minute now,” he called to them. They scrambled after him as he moved back into the other room. Pressing a button on the tank, the water began to drain. After a few moments, a door slid open and the smell of dead fish filled the room.
Ideally, you should mix sentence structure around so the flow sounds more fluid.Holding his fingers up, Elm rotted towards the door. Opening it, he could see grass for as far as the eye could see.
Spears? Perhaps you mean spheres, like in the shape? A spear is a weapon, and I'm not sure how you could turn on spears, or enter into them.The green ones let out a couple of vines which pulled down the spears. As the creatures began to turn on the spears, he moved into the next room.
Silver had fallen to his knees when Totodile fainted. He got up and walked away, hoping to never see the shorter boy again.
A few days later, he arrived in a large city known as Violet City. He went to the city’s largest tourist attraction, The Sprout Tower, and decided to do their battle challenge. Half way up, Silver came across a Gastly that enjoyed pranking the tourists. Silver saw the strength the ghost had and caught it. Silver then reached the top of the Tower and defeated the master of the Tower, a Sage by the name of Li. Just before leaving Li told Silver that he needed to be kinder to his Pokèmon. Silver dismissed the advice and left, running into the boy with the Cyndaquil yet again. Silver shoved passed him and left Violet City.
A few days later he came to the Union Cave. He travelled through and caught a Zubat that seemed to be very powerful compared to the others. Once he left the cave he came to Azalea Town, who had recently lost their Slowpokes to Team Rocket. He entered the Slowpoke Well to fight the Rockets there, only to find that they were already defeated by that stupid boy and his recently evolved Quilava. Furious, Silver waited for him in the Ilex Forest.
While he waited, his Totodile evolved in to a Croconaw. He smirked as he saw the boy coming along. Silver challenged him again. Croconaw defeated Quilava with ease this time, but was defeated by the boy’s Mareep. The electric type sheep was, however, defeated by Zubat, who defeated by a young Pokèmon called Togepi, which looked strikingly similar to the egg the boy had when Silver first met him. Gastly came up and defeated the Togepi. Silver thought he had won until the boy sent out a fourth Pokèmon, a Heracross. Silver then walked away, defeated.
You don’t need a comma between “Mount Silver” and “hit” as it ruins the flow of this sentence.The cool night air that seemed to cover Mount Silver, hit the red headed boy’s face
Awkward sentence there. I think you meant stay instead of his.Silver his for a year or so with an elderly woman in Cherrygrove City and watched as Team Rocket assaulted Johto in many attempts to find their long lost leader.
Into. Put the two words together.While he waited, his Totodile evolved in to a Croconaw.
Missing a word here. There should be a “by” between attack and Rapidash.It was then that Silver was attacked a Rapidash.
Several things in your beginning paragraph. One thing would be the first comma in the first sentence: it's not needed. Second thing would be the correlation between “what a mean looking kid” and the fact that he's wearing black pants and shirt. What would make him cruel looking might be his facial expression but not necessarily his clothing. I get what you're saying, obviously, but you might want to reword it a bit better.The cool night air that seemed to cover Mount Silver, hit the red headed boy’s face. He was cruel looking, with his black pants and shirt, both of which were trimmed with a scarlet red. His pants were messily tucked into his rubbery looking black boots, which seemed rather small for him.
I don't get why Giovanni would kill everything BUT Silver. I mean, he even killed Silver's bodyguards, but not Silver? I'm not sure if Giovanni would be concerned about being caught if he ended up just fleeing the country anyway.After his father’s defeat to the now champion of Kanto, Red Pyro, Silver watched as Giovanni killed all that he knew. Janice, his bodyguards, and several high ranking members of Team Rocket were all killed in Giovanni’s rampage fuelled by anger. The evil old man then left, leaving Silver to take the blame.
Wait, it evolved? From what? Just randomly? “Hey, Silver, while we're standing here, I'm just going to randomly evolve. Good timing, seeing as that hat-wearing kid is coming!”While he waited, his Totodile evolved in to a Croconaw. He smirked as he saw the boy coming along.
Yeah, I doubt Silver would be sorry for making someone feel bad if you never developed his character.“Right,” Silver dropped his head, “I’m sorry for making you feel bad.”
Why would Silver understand that or even agree to it if he believes that the softhearted always lose in battle? That is why Silver battling Lance and then battling Gold at the pokémon league were so important; those were two important character development scenes for Silver in the game. Excluding those scenes (or at least not indicating that Silver was having a change of heart when he battled Gold for the last time) would mean his character would still be cold and heartless.Red stared at the red head. After a few minutes, he nodded, “OK. The first thing you need to do is give some love to you Pokèmon. You must do this, or I won’t train you. Understand?”Silver nodded and Red smiled and pointed at the cave, signaling Silver to enter. He did so knowing that once he left the cave, he would have a little more heart and soul.
“Morning b*tch,” Rain said casually.
“Watch your mouth young man!” Ms. Lang scorned. She had her own personal vendetta with the boy. She always tried to break him with cruel punishments, but he kept shrugging them off. “If I had kids…!”
“Tough, since no man would ever want to be with you,” Rain smirked.
Ms. Lang was turning bright red. “Come… here… boy,” she hissed.
“Like hell!” Rain hollered as he ran out the door.
Rain stomped out and saw a little girl from the orphanage walking barefoot in the bushes. She was walking straight for a broken bottle Rain saw. He rushed over and picked her up. She squirmed and bit Rain. He dropped her and she ran off. Rain sighed and picked up the bottle and threw it in the trash can.
Rain wandered the streets of new Bark Town. This place is too small, he thought, the world was something to see. But the only way he could do that was to become a Trainer, which he had no interest in. Are Mom and Alora seeing it?
I think you mean damaged.“The person who extracts them from that life form has the power to restore those with damages hearts or souls, or, my favorite, steal the emotions and freewill from the hearts and souls of others.”
The bolded part sounds weird. There’s actually two ways you can go about this: She was ten years old as of yesterday… or She was a ten year old girl as of yesterday… Personally, I prefer the former.She was ten year old girl as of yesterday and was coming in to start her journey.
This is odd. Why wouldn't anyone question that she would leave one kid but keep the other? It's also awkwardly worded. She named them Rainbow and Alora, but only kept Alora ...His mother had stopped here ten years ago today and gave birth to a set of twins, a boy and girl. She named them Rainbow and Alora, but only left Alora, leaving her son to fend for himself.
I don't really get the importance of this part because it didn't seem to have an emotional effect on Rain or showed the reader that Rain was ignored and hated because of his attitude. I assume you're trying to go for the latter, yet you never really reflect how Rain hated how he was treated or reaffirmed that yeah, Rain gets treated like that all the time. No emotional depth, if you get what I mean. That being said, I would be freaked out, too, if a guy randomly ran toward me and picked me up for no reason (even if Rain knows why). Couldn't he at least shouted, “Watch out!” before picking her up or something so it doesn't seem ... creepy?Rain stomped out and saw a little girl from the orphanage walking barefoot in the bushes. She was walking straight for a broken bottle Rain saw. He rushed over and picked her up. She squirmed and bit Rain. He dropped her and she ran off. Rain sighed and picked up the bottle and threw it in the trash can.
So instead of doing the reasonable/logical/common sense thing like running to a phone to call the fire department or running to an adult or ... just running out of the way so he wouldn't get hurt, he goes inside toward the fire where a cyndaquil randomly pops out and lands on him somehow? And let's talk about that cyndaquil. What luck that it just wanted to obey Rain even though, har har, Rain showed no facial feature or sign that he liked it. And if Rain hated pokémon so much, why would he carry it with him and make it attack?Rain was minding his own business when he saw the smoke coming from the lab. Fire was not good in a small town like this so he ran in to see if there was anyone inside. No one was downstairs when he entered. Rain decided to run upstairs but before he could, he saw something moving on the table. A pokéball. Suddenly, a Cyndaquil popped out and landed on him.
... Isn't there a fire? Why are the two boys still there? The floor should be sinking in, there should be smoke that would have either knocked out Black or would have deterred Rain away from going up there, even if he wanted to play hero. Did you forget that there was a fire? Kind of sounds like it with the way you made cyndaquil use ember, possibly causing the place to go up more in flames. Honestly, if you were in a life/death situation like that, the first thing you want to do is get out of the place. You don't stop to battle. You don't stop to talk. You run out of there and fast.The two ran upstairs and Rain saw a boy his age, give or take a few months, with long red hair and black eyes. Rain also couldn’t deny that this boy was as handsome as he was. “What did you do?” Rain asked, eyeing the fire and people on the floor.
“Don’t look at me,” Black pleaded, “it was a Rocket Grunt that did this.”
“Team Rocket? Why would they be here? I’m taking you in,” Rain said. “Cyndaquil, Ember!”
Er ... how? The cyndaquil obviously doesn't know how with that funny look, yet it somehow did it anyway?“Can you absorb the fire?” Cyndaquil looked at him funnily, but it walked over and it was actually drawing the fire into its back. After a minute, the fire was out.
Isn't Rain a kid? Even if people were out to get him, I really doubt any police officer would be quick to assume that this was his fault without reasonable evidence.“This is the police!” Rain heard from outside. He looked out the window and saw the police all right. Along with all of New Bark. “Yo!” he yelled. “Don’t suppose you saw…”
“Shut up you devil!” Ms. Lang shrieked. Suddenly, the cops pulled out their guns and pointed them at Rain.
“Rainbow Fire,” Officer Jenny yelled, “you’re under arrest for arson, theft, and attempted murder!”
So he was innocent before this scene, probably could have proved his innocence, but decided to go, “Hey, might as well try to kill people while we're at it?”“Ember!” Rain yelled and Cyndaquil set fire to the splattering oil. It fell down upon the ground, destroying the police cars. Rain gave a weak smile as he saw everyone trying to dodge the fire raining down. It suited his name. This was a Rain of Fire.
The quiet was too much for Hayleena to bear. She warily stood up, her shaky legs threatening to collapse underneath her weight. She heaved a deep sigh, letting out all the tension and stress pent up in her. Turning, she walked deeper into the cavern, the pads of her feet so soft that her footprints could not be heard.
The walls were absolutely bear. No moss, mold or even lichen grew on those black rocks. No water dripped from the ceiling. The cave was so silent and dead it seemed as nothing ever did, or could, live there. It was the perfect place for a miserable widow.
She stopped at the edge of a black cliff. The cavern floor stretched out endlessly before her: a black plain of stone dotted with a few stalagmites. So deep was the darkness that even she, with her strong eyes that were used for hunting on the blackest of nights, could barely see, but she could feel the edge of the cliff with her feet. She moved her two back legs forward, and hit a rock over the edge as she did so. For a couple seconds silence reigned, before it was shattered as the rock hit the floor about one-hundred feet down. Hayleena paused for a moment, then resumed getting into her position. It was almost a crouch, with her four feet at the edge of the cliff and her rear off the ground. She did not even bother to think about what she would do, if she did she might find it too hard and not go on. All sanity was lost to her as she leaped off the precipice, falling down to the stone floor that would spell her end as the air whistled around her.
With a sickening crunch she hit the bottom, and the cave was a silent and empty place once more, silent and dead as it should be.
Exuberance.The seed grew until it was a great tree, whose trunk and bark were filled with love and exhuberance, each branch laden with joy and each leaf made of jubilance.
I assume you’re going for pointing.A Houndoom appeared to be standing on the rock, its nose pinting toward the bright moon floating amidst the sea of stars, but it was not like any Houndoom he had ever seen.
He did not bother to move as a third call went up, higher and louder then[b/] the previous two.
Bear has a million definitions, most of them having to do with holding something (“bearing the weight”), or exhibiting something, and so on. Bare, on the other hand, pretty much means naked. The walls are bare, or the walls have nothing on them. So you would use bare instead of bear. There were other typos (“nd” instead of “and” for example) but nothing huge.The walls were absolutely bear.
“Whozair?” he asked, half-asleep.
“It's me you idiot, wake up!” she said in a stifled shout.
Eli propped himself up, his forearms resting against the mattress, “What are you doing waking me up at this time?” the duvet slipped, exposing his chest, making no effort to pull it back, he sat up, back against the pillows.
“It's only nine o'clock, and you're in my bed.” she whispered whilst sitting on the end of the bed.
“I'm awake now, no need to whisper. And besides, aren't you glad to see me?”
She turned her head away, deep in thought, “I suppose so, but it would have been nicer if you would have turned up during the day... and if you were wearing clothes.”
Eli looked sort of embarrassed but then his face flushed with realisation, “Oh come on sis, I know why you're being like this.” he said annoyed, “You know why they couldn't let you go.”
Her eyes filled with tears, but she wiped them away before they could fall down her cheeks, “I know, it's just... I feel like I missed out on a massive part of my childhood. You were off travelling with your friends and I was stuck here, working on the farm.” her gaze lay fixedly on the carpet.
Reading it aloud, this sentence sounds awkward. Perhaps omitting was would make the sentence be clearer.He was sat under a sycamore tree.
Like last quote, the first sentence in this quote sounds awkward when reading it aloud. I actually think this could be a run on sentence, but I’m not sure about that. Breezy and Golden are much better at grammar and spelling, so yeah. ^^; Perhaps replacing the comma with a period after “north of Olvine” would do it. Not only breaks that sentence into two, but also would make more sense.Behind her were miltank, grazing on the healthy coastal grasses north of Olivine, she truly wished they were behind her, in a less literal sense. To escape this life and live like the young man under her favourite sycamore tree.
Question mark at the end instead of the period as the girl is asking a question to Eli.“Eli? Is that you.”
This sentence seems like a run-on like the other quote I mention, but again not entirely sure. However, when reading it aloud the sentence sounds awkward so I think replace the comma with a period after “how it feels”. That would break this sentence into two and sounds clearer (having that sentence into two) also.We were all young at some time in our lives and we all know how it feels, what matters is how we deal with our choices in early life and how we move forwards.”
On the bolded part, the mother explains how it would be too risky for her to go outside. However, the girl’s reaction is that she understands. I don’t know, but I think it would be more realistic for her to react in confusion when her mother said that. I would.“Yes I know, it's just... I've been feeling better lately, and with Eli back, it just got me to thinking what could have been.” she replied sullenly.
“It was just too risky. What would we have done if you had another attack out there, with nobody to help you, you would have died. I know we've been harsh, but you must understand, it's all been for your benefit.”
The girl fell silent for a few seconds, then looked into the eyes of her mother, “I understand.” she said simply.
Basically, if you have a sentence like that, there is supposed to be a comma, not period, like this: “Yes I know, it's just... I've been feeling better lately, and with Eli back, it just got me to thinking what could have been,” she replied sullenly. You only put a period if you’re not going to really mention how that person speaks in that way. For instance, “Yes I know, it's just... I've been feeling better lately, and with Eli back, it just got me to thinking what could have been.” Her reply was of sadness and guilt. is fine since you don’t want to mention the action (she replied sullenly), but you still want to explain the tone of her voice. Gah, this is hard to explain, so the other judges might be able to talk to you about this better than me. x_x“Yes I know, it's just... I've been feeling better lately, and with Eli back, it just got me to thinking what could have been.” she replied sullenly.
The bracketed comma indicates where you comma spliced. If you want to continue the trail of thought and don't want to make it abrupt with a period, try a semicolon instead; they can be used to connect similar sentence ideas together to keep the trail of thought smooth.Behind her were miltank, grazing on the healthy coastal grasses north of Olivine[,] she truly wished they were behind her, in a less literal sense.
I found this to be awkwardly worded. It kind of sounds like you're saying that the young lady is like the man instead.Taking one last look at the young man now, like her, staring at the orange sun being swallowed by the vast ocean, she ventured back to the farm house.
Not unless you think Johto/Kanto are near the polar edges of the world, I don't think the sun would just be setting or just set below horizon) at nine. But that might vary per person; some people get late sunsets I guess.“It's only nine o'clock, and you're in my bed.” she whispered whilst sitting on the end of the bed.
To insert another parent cliché: “Then maybe you should stop acting like one.” Seriously, how did the mother treat her child-like with the exception of talking softer since her brother is tired? It's not like she babied her or anything.“He's had a long trip deary, he deserves a good night's sleep.” her mother said soothingly.
She stood up, her small hands balled into fists, “Stop treating me like a child!”
So she was locked up and hidden from society because she talked to a ... bellsprout? Did she grow devil horns? Talk in a hissy, parseltongue type of voice? Was she able to shoot sparks out of her hands? Anything, you know, besides talking a plant? Honestly, these are country folk, and country folk are very traditional and do give the abnormal the side eye, but honestly, I don't see how talking to pokémon = go to your room for ... six or seven years. It is abnormal, yes, but really, I don't see anything horrible about this. Sure, you'd be freaked out, but it sounds more like a gift than a ... punishment from god or the gods or the pokémon gods or whatever once the parents thought about it. Besides, you never really clarified if this girl was talking in another voice or another language when communicating with pokémon, so how would the mother know that the girl (why does she have no name, btw?) was talking to pokémon? People in the anime and game talk to their pokémon all the time. You allude to something more with all this “we can't let you out due to your attacks” talks, but you never gave an example of it. It's either “believe it or not.”Your mother screamed and ran inside, almost immediately your father came rushing out as well. You hadn't noticed, you just kept on talking to the bellsprout. They'd seen you communicating with the pokémon, and saw the understanding in your speech, they realised that they couldn't have such a person bringing shame on the family name.
“I think we should guard the Tin Tower.” Everyone stared at Koji in complete shock. “Hear me out!” he requested, his green eye filled with emotion. “I think that protecting the Tin Tower is more important. If we are at Tin Tower when they come to place to bomb, their entire plan will be destroyed, and they’ll have to focus on one tower.”
Sayo looked at her husband. “But... what about Brass Tower?”
Koji put his hand on his wife’s shoulder and addressed the group once more. “Either way, one tower would be lost. If we protect Brass Tower, then Tin Tower will succumb to the bomb. If we protect Tin tower like I think we should, then Brass Tower would be attacked by the entire Vision. It comes down to which Legendary bird would be the greatest asset to them. A bird with the power of resurrection, or a bird who governs over three other birds. It’s rather not face an army with infinite numbers of members than four powerful birds. But that’s just me.” Koji’s eyes had the same steely look as before, but this time they also held specks of remorse.
Li was the first to respond. “I agree. We’re already here at Tin Tower, we stand a beter chance at protecting it, and I agree with Koji about the infinite army thing.” He sent a smile at his oldest guy friend and they did a slight knuckle touch.
Sayo had tears in her eyes, but she knew what was right. “I agree as well. Tin Tower it is.” She put her hand on top of her husband’s and best friend’s hands. She looked at Gaku expectantly. “Well? Are you in or out Gaku? ‘Cause we can do this without you if we need to.”
I can picture that part of the dance routine being performed. If I were part of the audience, I would be amazed too. :3The light shone through the gaps in between the petals as they swirled around Naoko and her Pokémon, creating a spectacular sight. It was as if the sun was surrounded by pink rose petals. All the while Naoko and her two other Pokémon companions were swaying and turning to the music. Then the fox lifted its head, opened his mouth, and shot a log stream of pure orange fire at the petals. The fire overtook the petals and soon Naoko and her Pokémon were surrounded by a twisted strand of fire. The light and fire died down, and the performance was over.
Aw. Cute but so sad at the same time. ;_;<Flaweon went buh-bye…> And she too let out a soft cry, letting one tear fall onto Flareon’s head.
Bolded part you mix up the order of the words. Supposed to be, “…a very long time ago.”“It all began in our quaint town of Ecruteak, but very a long time ago…”
Bolded part supposed to be you’re.Jolteon smiled. <Well, when your riding, you’ll pick up Wooper, and I’ll follow behind you guys. Ok?>
The narration is in third person POV, but in the bolded part you one sentence that is of a first person POV.Grandma smiled at the sight. It’s moments like these that make me love my grandson even more.
Another example. Yeah, basically when doing thoughts in first person POV in a third person narrative, have some indication that they are. First way is by italicizing them, which I seen a few instances of that actually. Another example is like this: Oh Miki, you always could hold a conversation by yourself, the sister thought to herself. I just wish you’d stop to breath once in a while! The latter I have seen done like that without the thoughts being italicized and I’m still able to get that the author wants the character’s thoughts in first person POV while the story is in third person POV.The older sister stared at her baby sister wearily. Oh Miki, you always could hold a conversation by yourself… I just wish you’d stop to breath once in a while!
Reread this part. The dialogue here would be weird to use if you were to have this story in the distant past. This is more like a modern teenager would say. I can understand it’s not easy to do dialogue when doing a story from the past, but one way to fix that is by reading some literature books from the past. One example is if you want to write a story set in the 1800s. Some authors to read are Charles ****ens and Jane Austen. Pay attention how the characters speak.The younger sibling brushed back her sea-green hair and chattered away excitedly to her oldest sister. “I hope Naoko passed! I mean I watched her performance a bajilion times and it was totally amazing and – ohmygod! Do you think they’re gonna promote her to a Kimono girl at the age of sixteen? That would be totally awesome! Mom and Dad would be so proud… Oh! Do you think she’d still be our sister? Or would she go all diva crazy on us? I don’t think she would, but you never know. Oh! What about…”
“You’re right, Li, I just wish life could be as easy as it was before we got old and settled down with jobs, and in my case, a family… Back in the old days I could call upon Arcanine and Umbreon and my problem would be solved in minutes, and with the crime rate in our town I can still send them out and have the problem solved in a snap. But with Vision it’s different. Vision is bent on destruction and they’re all experienced trainers who are used to Pokémon solving their dilemma within minutes.”
Does Koji has an Arcanine or Grwolithe? One part you said he had Arcanine, but later you put he has a Growlithe.The group sat in silence for a while, pondering the news, when Koji spoke up. “Okay, what are we going to do?” His Growlithe ran to his side, and Umbreon and Espeon instinctively reported to their respective trainers side.
I can understand you’re trying show that Typlosion and Dragonite are scared, but showing that by having them hugging each other reminds me of the cartoons I watched when I was a kid. If you want to go for a more serious approach, one way is to have them just stood there frozen and unable to do anything. Another way is them whimpering and backing up slowly.“Bring it on you legendary wannabes! Typhlosion, Dragonite, attack!” Alas, the two powerhouses did not attack. In fact, they whimpered and hugged each other. Suicune and Raikou grinned at each other and slowly walked towards the cowering Pokémon.
You're technically saying the same thing; you just changed the phonetic spelling. I get what you mean, but you might want to think of a different spelling to show Tommy's inability to say the word. Stuttering, or something. Besides that, Tommy seems able to speak pretty coherently, so it sounds more random than childish.“Well, on one condition.”
“What conidishiun?” Tommy stared at his grandmother with such intensity in his eyes, she felt herself beginning to melt.
I liked this bit. I know it's a small bit, but I think you nailed down a xatu's characteristics. I also like the way you described how Xatu was able to deliver its psychic reading to the humans. Admittedly, the vision of the future was ... chunky, and too much time/length was devoted to explaining what the beasts looked like. We'll get into description later, though, when I wrap things up.The group stared at the Xatu, and then its eyes shot open, and the Pokémon teleported into the air. Its flags arms started to flap in an uncontrollable flag pattern. Left. Right. Left. Left. Right. Left. Right. Right. Meaningless symbolism to the untrained eye.
Wha? It's kind of awkward to jump from one scene to another like that without a line break or a transitional line.“Oh, well then, let’s hear it Gengar!”
“So then Flareon executed a perfect Flamethrower on the petals! It was pure gold!” Naoko exclaimed, clapping her hands in excitement.
While I do like when people try to give some personality/life into their narration, you gotta make sure it makes sense, especially when you've been writing in a formal, objective third person narrative.. Informal narration is usually used when writing about your character's thoughts/perspective or inserting your character's personality into objective narrative. When you jump from formal to informal narration without giving your reader a reason/warning, then it sounds random and kind of unprofessional.While Naoko was getting Flareon to dry her off, Kuni’s Pokémon joined her by her side. Well, her Venomoth perched herself on Kuni’s shoulder, Misdreavus floated in front of her, and Chinchou jumped on her lap… Ok, so just Vaporeon laid down in front of Kuni. But that was to be expected, he was incredibly tired from playing hide-and-seek with Chinchou. He was winning until Naoko sat on his tail…
Like this bit. I liked how you threw a bit of Butterfree's personality into the narrative.Butterfree shuddered. She was glad Flareon beat his brother at wrestling. Jolteon with super speed and super strength could be devastating to the homeostasis of her life. His supped up strength would be the catalyst to more practical jokes from her, and good and mischief would no longer be balanced in her life… Well, now she did not have to worry. Flareon won.
Er, I'm not sure what's weirder: the fact that the gengar teleported inside a light bulb whether than near it or that a blissey, trained to heal pokémon, knows a powerful attack like flamethrower.So instead of landing in front of the front desk, he landed inside of a lightbulb. Yes. A lightbulb. Needless to say, the lightbulb exploded when they teleported into the center, and Nurse Joy was not pleased with the indoor fireworks.
<I’m sorry, Nurse Joy!> Gengar screamed in agony. This had to stop! <Please, this Xatu is really hurt, just get this crazy Blissey off of me!> After seeing the display of fireworks, Nurse Joy’s Blissey took it upon herself to attack Gengar with her Flamethrower.
You can't really whisper an exclamation. That being said, I really wish you had more emotional emphasis in your dialogue, but we'll get into that later.“Vision!” Kuni whispered. Terror shocked her to her core. The notorious crime mob of Johto.
Okay, first off, fifty gang members have nothing better to do but aim attacks at this seemingly innocent girl (who should have run, btw, instead of talk back to the Vision member)? Don't they have a higher prerogative, like attacking a tower or at least focusing on it? Not attack and focus one girl who wasn't even in the way or defending the tower?Kuni slowly turned around, and thought her face lost all color. There was around fifty people with huge Pokémon charging attacks, all aimed at her. She turned back to the man who had released a tall, cream colored ferret whose neck was lit on fire. “You better run little girl, we’re not taking any prisoners, and no one will get out alive.”
Why would the leader of Vision be interested in talking to this girl who holds no importance other than getting in his way? Why would he stop and converse with this girl when he has bigger issues to worry about, like capturing Lugia? And this wasn't just a “get out of my way!” statement. He went on and told her his life story without hurting a hair on her head even though he threatened her earlier. You're making your characters more special than they really are at this point of the story. And, again, you depicted your character as scared, not brave, and only worried about her sisters, yet you still have her stand still and talk in the middle of a battlefield?She felt a presence behind her, and she turned around and saw the crazy man from earlier. The one who told her to run. “Who are you?” she asked quietly. His army was gone, all in the direction of the Tower. She could hear attacks being launched.
The man chuckled. “I’m Dai, the leader of Vision.” Kuni gasped. This man, a few years older than her, was the reason for all of the strife in Johto!
...Er, why couldn't she return the jolteon again? Or return the wooper when it was done with its job and ride out on the stanler? Or both? The vaporeon's death I understand as they were in a battle, and I understand that these deaths play an important part later, but this death seemed like it could have been prevented had your character been, well, thinking just a litttleeee.Miki nodded. “Wait. But what about you guys?” She gasped when a piece of the ceiling fell. The enflamed wood almost landed on her.
Jolteon smiled. <Well, when your riding, you’ll pick up Wooper, and I’ll follow behind you guys. Ok?>
I thought this was a cute characterization of Oddish albeit a little overdramatic with the one tear thing. =P<Flaweon went buh-bye…> And she too let out a soft cry, letting one tear fall onto Flareon’s head.
You know, you already had a pretttty chunky description of the beasts earlier in the story, so I'm not sure why you needed to have it here ... or why you went into excruciating, almost painful, detail the first time during the vision. I do like this description better than the first one as it gets to the point as doesn't waver into unnecessary detail, though it would have been nice to have seen some of this description during the creature's action. That's a personal writing style opinion, though.The first feline figure was predominantly blue. It had a dark blue, protrusion on its forehead in the shape of a hexagon.
Its shaggy fur did not cover its giant feet, and it had four black anklets. He had mountain-esque jagged plated on his back, and a wispy cloud-cape that covered them.
How over dramatic and kind of cocky. >_> Especially for Ho-Oh who is usually depicted as kind of ... quiet and not very show-offy (we're going to pretend that's a word lol) of its power.<Look up at me, my creations!> Ho-oh beckoned as he perched in a tree. <I have revived you from the dead Vaporeon, Flareon, and Jolteon that used to belong to three female trainers. You are now my disciples.>
This was your description of Xatu. It's important to give your reader a base of what the pokémon looks like but getting too detailed with it will bore your reader. Describe when necessary and when appropriate. The ancient marking probably could have been omitted, or the symbols could have glowed or done something while Xatu was foreseeing the future.The resulting green bird stood tall and lifeless. Its wings were kept firmly attached to its side, adding to the lifeless appearance. The wings were like flags, and the bird’s body as a whole resembled a totem pole of sorts, with ancient markings and symbols decorating its feathered skin. Its eyes were shut tight, adding to the mysterious aura the Pokémon exerted.
This one has a mixture of things: similar sentence structure, short, choppy sentences which leads to a list-like detail. Mixing sentence structure is important because it makes the flow of your text more natural instead of abrupt and monotonous. You can either combine similar sentence structure with coordinating conjunctions (and, but, for, etc), semicolons or re-tweak the sentence entirely.Dai stared at the clock. The time was nearing. He drummed his fingers on his podium as he stared out at the members of Vision. His organization. Each member was dressed in a gold and silver jumpsuit and their traditional black mask. His gaze again faced the clock. Not even a minute had passed! He was getting extremely restless. He had waited ten agonizing years for this moment, and he'd be damned if he had to wait any longer.
She wouldn't know what it was like to lose the closest friend I had, would she (and goodness, I always hated when teachers posted comments like that whenever I farked up and put a “you” in an essay ... Sorry, I'm reminiscing at the wrong time =3). Change it to “She knew what it was like to lose a close friend” or something along those lines.Kuni walked over to her youngest sister and gave her a big hug. She knew what it was like to lose the closest friend you had.
The bold part is probably Naoko's thought, but it would have been nice if you had written something like “she thought” before or after it.Naoko screamed. All of the blood, the gore, the sheer destruction, it was too much for her! How did she wind up in the middle of this fight? Oh yeah… the picnic… I wonder what happened to the basket and blanket…
“Uh…Hi…” I said, a little confused as to why he was sitting in this dank room, or why he was grinning at me. I looked at F-Zero, then back towards the guy. As I looked back at him, I saw the Pikachu disappear into a red silhouette and then retreat to the Pokéball. He exchanged it and reached for a different Pokeball, eager to battle. Dusting my conflicting emotions under the rug, I took on a cockier personality and prepared for battle.
“You don’t waste any time, do you?” I joked, waiting for him to reveal his Pokemon. Upon releasing the red stream from his Pokeball, it took the shape of a quadruped. A long forked tail extended from its rear while two large ears poked out from its head. Its magenta colored coat seemed to shimmer.
“An Espeon, huh?” After returning F-Zero, I reached for the perfect candidate for this battle. Releasing the data from its Pokeball, a large and lanky creature emerged. The creature had an irregular shaped head in the shape of an upside down star. A long mustache grew around its nose. Its armored chest took shape. Finally, a set of two legs and two arms emerged. Its hands held two spoons.
“Go Spoons! Thunder Wave!” The Alakazam quickly acknowledged the situation and responded to the command. It raised its two spoons to eye level and touched them together. Channeling the psychic energy, the spoons began to crackle with static. Finally, he discharged the electricity into thin streaks, firing it towards the Espeon.
“Safeguard” the trainer said almost as a whisper. Quickly and elegantly, the Espeon responded with a shield of sparkling stars. The stars formed a protective shield in front of the Espeon, subsequently absorbing the Thunder Wave. The shield remained, though turned transparent, allowing the Espeon to pass through it and prepare to strike.
Walked.“Lion-O! Why’d you do that?!” I asked appalled. Lion-O didn’t respond, he just stuck his nose up at the Charizard and waked back to my side proudly.
The sentenced bolded sounds like a word is missing (after “inspirational” ). Perhaps speech between inspirational and by?“This is our final stand, Pikachu! It’s do or die! Thunder!” The trainer said, turning his hat backwards. The Pikachu responded to his inspirational by crackling with more electricity than ever before.
This next part is more of a language problem. I don’t know if ”…I would pull triple 7’s and KO Snorlax” would be something a person say in a normal conversation. I get you’re going for a gambling reference and the main character is the narrator so he can say whatever in his narration, but that part would be weird for someone to say. When doing first person narration, sometimes you have to make sure that narrator doesn’t sound too formal (unless that person is very stuffy and such), nor have him or her say unheard expressions. You don’t have to change this if you don’t want to, though.“Sunny! Swoop down and fire your Hyper Beam!” I gambled, hoping I would pull triple 7’s and KO Snorlax.
I inhaled deeply, and then exhaled, hoping to regain my composure. Reaching for a fresh new Pokéball, I caught my reflection in it; I had the same shakiness, though I looked more determined and adult than before. That face of the child who had held this ball many months ago was replaced by the cold and hardened face of someone who was ready to win at any costs.
Much like a catapult, I launched my Pokéball into the air, hoping it would get enough altitude and allow the Pokémon inside the advantage it needed. The obvious strategy used for flying-types proved effective as high above the battlefield the red stream of data took shape. The unidentifiable mess of red data took form as it sprouted two wing appendages and a protruding head. Its head sprouted three similar spikes. Much like its simple design, its color pattern was basically a creamy white with a few speckles of red and blue. The creature shimmered in the daylight entering through the gaps in the ceiling.
“Alright Sunny, Sunny Day!” Just as oblivious as ever about the corniness of her name, the Togekiss followed the command and made the beams of sunlight which broke through the cave ceiling turn harsher and brighter. The trainer simply watched in indifferent silence.
Um ... how? Lol. Physically? Or was one physical and the other mental? Like “the hallway was short, but the walk felt so long as I made my way down toward the doctor's office” or something?My bicycle skidded to a stop as I neared the entrance of the cave. The entrance seemed so large and overwhelming, and at the same time too narrow to enter.
Battles are pretty heart-pounding, adrenaline-rushing events. Would this kid really risk his battle (despite his supposed upper hand) by not paying attention to the battle all for some nostalgia trip? That being said, it wasn't even a short nostalgia trip; it was a pretty long one due too all the detail that this trainer apparently remembered. I also think it was quite nice of the opposing trainer to give your main character just the right amount of time to finish his thought coherently instead of being rude and abruptly breaking your main character's thought like most trainers would have done.My previous wave of nostalgia overtook me as I began to vividly think back to the day I met Spoons.
Pokémon worlds sometimes break the normal rules of the real world, but even in the game, you couldn't access the radio or call anyone within a cave. No reception or whatever. Small nitpick, though.I recalled my flashback and once again fiddled with my PokéGear before issuing the next attack. Luckily a DJ was playing some of the music Spoons loved. Clicking the radio on, Spoons looked back at me with a rejuvenated smile.
Well, ideally, double team are illusions rather than “fake clones.” Canon wise (least in the games and anime), I've never seen a pokémon that used double team able to use two different attacks like that , and it seemed like they were going to actually HIT if Spoons didn't do something. I mean, it's creative in its own right, but it kind of sounds fishy.“One Espeon, Quick Attack! Another, Psybeam!” The fake Espeons to the right and left of the real Espeon ran toward Spoons, one ran towards the Light Screen, and the other positioned a Psybeam at the Reflect.
Lol. Interesting interpretation of swagger. Swagger, if you look the definition up, kind of means to walk arrogantly, conceited, a show off, if you will. It's not, um, blue smog that confuses the opponent (the “blue smog” in the game animation is more like a puff of breath). If you think about the action in the games, you notice that your pokémon puffs out, which then the opposing pokémon copies, boosting its attack, and then confuses it. Confusion is probably due to the rage from seeing its opponent act cocky like that or its so cocky that its not clear in the head, thus causing confusion. That's how I see it, anyway. You're free to imagine attacks in any way so long as its plausible. Just found the blue smog kind of funky. XP“Swagger!” I called, raising myself out of the bushes. F-Zero released a thin blue smog from its flame. The smog made a beeline for the Scyther and flew around its face and into its nose and mouth.
The bold word should be “mane” inste– waaaittt a minute. What the heck is going on? You know what, I guess I do need the random nostalgia scene to explain this one ...Releasing the stream of data, it took the form of another quadruped, though this creature had many different features: This creature had a large main and a diamond shaped appendage atop its head. Across the sides of its body streamed two tassels. Its purple mane flowed majestically across its baby blue body. My most famous accomplishment stood ready to serve its master.
The trainer watched in silence as the Suicune’s main flowed, even though there was no breeze.
And I thought “Okay, well maybe he's talking about Gold then, which would make more sense if I were to use Crystal game canon.” But then again, there's problems with that. For starters: A) You never described your character as Gold, or gave hints or signs that this was Gold. And B) if it were Gold, you'd be messing up his character because you wrote your character as someone who had forgotten about himself and his inner strength, something that suicune saw in the game protagonists throughout the entire game, hence why it let him battled it. And if this change occurred after it was caught, I'm pretty sure the suicune would sense it and perhaps not battle for this new “person.”I wrote about the final battle between the main character and Red. 28 pages of battling, development, and conquering demons.
especially if it were your own pokémon? People, when thinking, don't really describe things like that in their head, and only would describe like that if were giving a report or something. Even in third person, you don't need to overdo it with character description that it forms into this chunky paragraph. Write out the key features of the pokémon (like an alakazam's spoons and that its bipedal, or something); you don't need to get over detailed with it.Releasing the data from its pokéball, a large and lanky creature emerged. The creature had an irregular shaped head in the shape of an upside down star. A long mustache grew around its nose. Its armored chest took shape. Finally, a set of two legs and two arms emerged. Its hands held two spoons.
"Are you SURE that what you saw was a green Suicune?" Officer Jenny asks Maya.
"Yes, Officer--no Suicune I know of is electric green in color." Maya replies. "If it were green at all, it would be a shiny sea green."
Officer Jenny brings up the analysis of the prints she has collected and compares them with a set of actual Suicune pawprints--and gasps when the two sets match. "You may be on to something here...but that still doesn't answer our main question of why a Suicune would want the award jewelry."
"Morty told us that the green Suicune could be a means to an end--so that could mean there's someone that owns or is controlling the Suicune behind the scenes." Crystal notes.
"Well, you have given us some headway in the investigation, at least." Officer Jenny replies as she finishes writing down the group's testimonies. "We'll keep analyzing your tip, and if you find anything new, please let us know." With that, she returns to dusting for fingerprints.
Lin sighs. "You know, that wild encounter has left me not in the mood to do anything else today..."
"That, and it's getting hot." Hiro agrees. "Lita would probably love a nap back at the hotel."
Tense mistake in dialogue. The saying would be “…and crime doesn’t pay.”"Other stories were used to teach lessons--that patience was a virtue, hard work was valued, and crime did not pay." a girl wearing a leaf print kimono continues.
I think it’s supposed to be walks.She sighs and walked over to the windowsill, where Lita is snoozing peacefully inside a small basket with a green thunderbolt print blanket draped over her.
“…covered in her favorite foods” doesn’t sound right if you read it aloud. “…covered with her favorite foods” would sound much better."Chu..." Lita pictures a large table covered in her favorite foods: grilled Combusken, Berries of all kinds, mashed potatoes, and cheeses of all kinds.
Suicune roar sounds weird in this sentence. Perhaps Suicune’s roar to indicate that roar belongs to Suicune. Another phrase you can use is “a roar that sound like Suicune’s” to show that Lin isn’t exactly sure if the roar is indeed Suicune’s."As I was watching a movie, I heard a female scream and Suicune roar coming from our floor, so I returned and found one of the maids frozen like this and Suicune pawprints around it."
Jump her also doesn’t sound right if you read it aloud. It would make more sense to use jump at her as Crystal is scared someone will suddenly come and get her. However, something like ram her or tackle her sounds fine."Friend or foe?" Crystal stammers--the last thing she wants is for a Rocket to gain her trust and then jump her.
Whenever you have a sentence like, “I love you” and then you want to say something like he said it in a timid manner, you use a comma after the quotation like this: “I love you,” he said in a timid manner. So the correct way for your sentence would be this: "I asked Hiro, Kamon, and Crystal to meet us here, Lin," Maya replies."I asked Hiro, Kamon, and Crystal to meet us here, Lin." Maya replies.
Same thing with this type of sentence. If you’re going something like, Kelly took a deep breath and replied you have to put a comma before have the speaker says his/her sentence. The correct way to do this sentence is “Cheers go up from the crowd as Kuni begins "There was once a boy…”Cheers go up from the crowd as Kuni begins "There was once a boy--let us call him Taiyou--who was known throughout his village for being a hard worker and never without a smile on his face.
The line after the little bit of a dialogue is WAYYY too long."Here we are..." a brown haired girl smiles as a majestic brown and cream bird circles around a garden filled with flowers and blooming cherry trees that overlooks a bustling city dotted in stages and tents.
Read this part without the part in the quotations. Does the girl in deep blue replies sound like a complete sentence? No, because you're wondering what the deep girl in blue is replying. Hence you would use a comma to connect the two: ”Arigatou, Sakura-san,” the girl in deep blue replies."Arigatou, Sakura-san." the girl in deep blue replies.
Again, separate the quotation part from the rest of the of the “speech tag.” Lin smiles as she shakes the black haired boy's hand can stand alone as its own sentence, so you properly punctuated here, whether you know it or not."Pleased to meet you." Lin smiles as she shakes the black haired boy's hand.
I do not know how long I have been travelling now. At least one moon cycle; that I do know. I find myself a quaint spot under a tree. The shadows protect me from the burning sun; today it is too hot for even someone like me to travel outside. That is the payoff for being more accustomed to the darkness under the moon.
“Hey, let’s go this way! I’m certain, it’s over here”
What was that? A voice? It sounded like one of those wretched beings. Has it not been scared away by my constant howling? No, maybe it has been attracted by it. It is out to brainwash me, so much can I say for sure right now.
A rustle. It is nearby, walking slovenly and ungracefully through the grass, notifying me of its presence long before it can see me. I run; silently I slip into the tall grass around the tree.
I watch as it comes closer. Its frail eyes scavenge the terrain, most likely for me.
“Okay, Houndoom, come out!”
Houndoom? That was the name given to us by those creatures. A flash of white light. Then I see a figure, which to an outsider’s eyes were similar to bee. But I can see them. The small cracks in the bones, the different texture of the fur. But… no! It cannot be! Yet, it is! The figure standing there… it is my very own brother!
Me.Then I see a figure, which to an outsider’s eyes were similar to bee.
This introduction is a bit confusing. You first start out by what humans call pokémon, and then start describing what humans are, even though the last sentence was talking about pokémon, not humans. So it makes sound like the “weird creature on two weak feet” are the pokémon, not the humans. You might want to fix this a bit and maintain your focus on what a human is without changing terms like that.Pokémon. That is what we are all called by them. Those weird creatures who walk around everywhere on their two weak feet, without the strength to do anything but travel around. They can’t even attack or defend themselves using Energy. Only their frail, weak bodies, whenever they use them. That is not often; instead, they entrap us in weird capsules, and use us for battling.
So his mate is waiting for him, and he knows that she needs him, so instead of running back to her, or running away period, he runs TOWARD the trouble? Strong or not, you would think a pokémon, especially a wild one, would run back to protect its loved ones and would only battle if it really had to.I quickly run towards it. Now I will not wait. My dear is waiting for me, so I will have to be quick. I plunge out of the bushes, towards this human.
He learned how to read? Lol. He might be able to recognize the curvy shape of a c, or the long form of a l, but I doubt he could put two and two together and know that curvy shape is the letter c.On the front of it, I can make out the letters I have learned by watching human writing: “C-R-T-L”.
“Oh?” Really? This is just a sudden transition, especially for an important one. You keep reaffirming the reader that your main character hates humans, believes that they brainwash them, even SAW his own brother brainwashed by those pokéballs, but suddenly, out of the blue, for no reason whatever, decides to go, “Wait. I don’t hate them! I’m just curious!” It’s rather unbelievable – implausible, if you will. I saw you attempted to have the houndoom character be a little curious with his want to go back, but it wasn’t really a morbid curiosity. Just a, “Oh, I’m kind of worried about my brother” instead of being curious about the human and the process of being captured itself.Oh! I now realize something. I… I have always been curious at these humans, not always raging mad. I wanted to find out more about them. That was why I was really stalking them all the time.
I have no idea what you’re trying to describe here. I think it’s the trainer. Besides, Houndoom is close to fainting, isn’t it? How would it have time to focus and detail whatever this is out? Why did the blastoise and its trainer give the houndoom time to describe it? Describe when necessary and when appropriate: if you’re writing in first person and your character is running, it won’t have time to focus on the setting. If it’s in a fight, it won’t really care that the tree is a good few feet over his head. When you do want to describe something, and your character is in too much of a hurry or busy to stop and smell the flowers, you want to try embedding it with action.But before that, I want to see my superior. It stands tall, with a strange, blue fur atop its head. It moves down, then goes up and ends with three points. A paler, still blue, covering conceals most of the rest, apart from the sides and the front. She has white and red coverings on her body. Also, she has a container on her back, which she now sits down, and inside she gropes for something.
“Nakata! Step away from it!” Harrison stood at the gaping door flanked by two dark and beefy grunts ready to take charge. The sight of Nakata and the snivelling animal in a comforting embrace boiled Harrison’s already pressured blood. Harrison roughly grabbed NE-34 and pulled her from the consoling Nakata, throwing the girl to the burly guards’ feet, coldly stating, “Take it outside.”
Nakata unsurely got to his feet, unsure of what was happening. All of a sudden, a whole host of questions ran through his mind; did they regain the connection with their cameras? Did they see the Ditto? What was to happen now? First he had revealed too much to the girl, and now the surveillance system – He knew he was ****ed.
Harrison angrily grabbed slammed Nakata by the scruff of his uniform and slammed him into the closest wall, pinning the sensei as he grew more eager to shred the captive into strips right there and then. Harrison’s eyes bulged, his veins throbbed and pulsed in clear view, and his once neat playboy hair was as unkempt and grubby as a shaggy dog. His maniacal face became twisted and distorted in an orgy of rage in front of Nakata’s bewildered eyes. Nakata remained powerless in an attempt to show his compliance, hoping for leniency – the jig was up.
“Why are you blatantly disobeying my strict instructions?!” Harrison bellowed at his trapped prisoner, “You are not to treat her like a child!” There was something – Nakata could feel it – something wrong with what his enraged tormentor had said. Quick-minded as ever, Nakata could only think of one defence: Keep him distracted and feign ignorance.
In this dialogue missing a word between Harrison and the start of the speech. You can use said, yelled, screamed, or any other action verb to describe the tone of his voice and such.Standing above Nakata’s assaulted body, Harrison “You’re sliding on thin ice, old man.
Comma after vaccum in the first part of the dialogue.“God, I hate this vacuum” Keane grabbed the nearest swivel chair that was within reach, dragged it to his rear-end and effortlessly slumped into it, despondently reflecting on the situation at large in the Rocket climate. “Someone has to become our leader, or nobody will.”
This one since you have Keane stopped speaking, the “h” in he should be capitalized. There might be a few more dialogue problems you have, but I’m not actually sure about them, so I’ll let the other judges comment on the more complex ones.“I will register some help for you, if you want it.” he waited for an answer to his suggestion, correctly doubting the fact that he was to to obtain one; it wasn’t Harrison.
Using longer sentence structure means for a closer inspection of your sentence. Since it's so long, it's easier to miss mistakes, such as making sure your sentence is sufficiently complete.As two of the black-clad men rushed to put the final touches on their task, tightening the already restrained subject’s arms with a third Velcro strap, further diminishing the meagre chance of a possible escape.
Disdain?“Hmm... Teeth are in good condition,” he spoke to nobody in particular, “But the gums... Not so much.” each word tinged with distain.
Latios. a gauntlet? Gauntlets are like ... armor, for your hands, worn in the medieval times that extent to the wrist (usually). While they can be leather and flexible, most of them are hard and made out of metal. I mean, I guess I can see why he would wear one to demonstrate his power, but I think it also could be a misuse of the thesaurus. D= And crap, that would HURT if you were hit in the face with that. Like more than just a “stinging wound, dribble of blood” sort of way.Harrison gave an equally spiteful smirk, removing a single heavy leather glove from the pink and subtle skin of his right hand ... Drawing the gauntlet across his torso in a threatening pose, Harrison promptly brought it down and slapped the girl’s face with a deafening ‘smack’. Her head snapped violently to the side as bloody spittle flew from her mouth, landing a little over a meter away.
I'm kind of wondering why you're choosing to center sentences (hopefully there's a pattern to it other than just to emphasize things), but this was a very powerful line. Simple but ... haunting. I also liked the dialogue between Nakata and Harrison; it was a strong scene that portrayed both characters as strong but hard-headed characters.Desmond held on, eventually drawing out the ‘competition’ to a point where a decision had to be made by their captors as to who would continue on.
Neither Li, nor Desmond’s bodies were sent back to their families.
I'm pretty ... anti formatting on prose (I think Bay referenced the thread I dedicated on the subject), but I'm glad to see you did it for a reason. From what I've experienced with awkward, jarring formatting, the author usually does it purely out of aesthetic reason, but you did it to differentiate between the actual narration and EN-34's thoughts. While I still thing the same emphasis could have done by keeping it all aligned left, ( ;P) I do appreciate that you did it for a reason. It does kind of hurt the eyes, though, bear in mind.It’s at the tip of my tongue. Who was it? Nakata?
I also liked the thought process that went through EN-34's (you typed her name as NE-34 a lot, btw, so I'm not sure what her name really is o.o) head, and it was intriguing to read how a character that was treated more as a weapon than a human would react to “strange” things, like the ditto. I found this part very telling:In Harrison’s mind there was no need to watch the protracted conflict of interest. He just needed to see Andreas’ motherly face cry at the contorted sight of EN-34 cowering in fits of fear and agony – It served them right. The cries of the beasts’ pain echoing down the limitless halls that consumed the underground world did little but warm his heart.
I also like how you gave a reason why people might join the Rockets. She, too, was a strongly developed character despite lacking a personality. Again, her thought processes were interesting to read about.Since she was little, the clone had been groomed to accept the strength and solidarity of the individual while rejecting the dangerous ideals of friendship. Desires of men and women were weakened by the evils of camaraderie – That was why the Rockets were superior and set to inherit the Earth once the time was right. There was nothing more that EN-34 regretted more than her investigative actions of the Ditto.
The semicolon here should be a comma since the “with her emerald green eyes ...” can't stand alone as its own sentence. You do usually use semicolons correctly, but you did slip up a bit.With her emerald green eyes intent on her target and lengthy dark hair tousled from hours of sweat and exhaustion; EN-34 battered the swinging pendulum with nothing but the power of her finely trimmed body.
The part after the quotation (EN-34 slowly turned her neck ...) is its own sentence and doesn't relate to the dialogue before it, so you would end the dialogue with a period.“So what? You’re not going to congratulate me in return, eh? I would have thought that after all of these months you would have spoken at least one word to me,” EN-34 slowly turned her neck to face Nakata with a featureless look on her face as her sensei busted his gut to produce the punchline, “And no, ‘Hi-Yah!’ doesn’t count.”
That's fine and dandy and all, but why? Why would they care about making a human? A weapon to take over the world? Great; however, they would clone a pokémon to do that, not a human. I kept that in mind as I read this story over, and the closer I got to the end, the more this quote kept bubbling up. Then the story ended, and I'm still not sure why Team Rocket would care to make a clone of a human. I mean, sure, the technology is there, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they would want to make a human clone to do their bidding. They'd want to make a pokémon clone again, I'm sure, for the sake of the power they'll be able to wield. Even if this girl is trained underneath a strict martial arts schedule, she'd probably have difficulty fighting a monster that is able to breathe flames or control her movements with its mind. Not unless I missed something in the story, I don't think it would make sense for Team Rocket to clone a girl. This is Team Rocket's slogan as seen through their hideout (in fact, it's probably in the Mahogany Hideout):With previous experience concerning the cloning of Pokémon (Mewtwo), what would stop them from taking it all one step further and attempt to create a human?
In a nutshell, Team Rocket's goal is to take over the world ... using pokémon, not necessarily humans. And let's think about this logically; what good would having a human clone do for Team Rocket? It can fight what? Other humans? Other humans have pokémon that will destroy her. Just because they wanted to test out their technology? I'm not going to pretend to be a Team Rocket expert, but I'm pretty sure Team Rocket will do something so long as it profits them. Broadcasting a signal to evolve magikarp isn't cheap; however, selling the gyarados the magikarp evolved from will benefit them. I'm not sure what evidence you're using to explain why Team Rocket would want to test genetics other than, “Well, there's a lot of room down here, so something besides evolving magikarp has to be going on.” That isn't to say that this isn't creative, and the fact that you came up with this entire idea to clone a girl and make her do Team Rocket's bidding just by looking at the size of the Mahogany hideout was unique. Odd ... but creative nonetheless.Steal Pokémon for profit. Exploit Pokémon for profit. All Pokémon exist for the glory of Team Rocket.
It wasn’t the best place to stay, but Ilex Forest was peaceful enough to run away from most of the world. The ground was almost always damp, moisture present from the omnipresent dew. Sunlight never seemed to dominate, the ridiculously common trees completely blocking it out, plunging the forest in an unpleasant darkness.
My mom – wherever she was now, whoever she was infatuating, that ***** – said that traveling would make me stronger. I beg to differ – the past eleven months that I have traveled, not once did I feel any stronger than before. The Solarbeam attack I did to those two assholes was the strongest attack I could ever possibly conjure; now, I could barely conjure anything half as strong as it.
I vowed not to love, ever. I met much more beautiful Pokemon, some even liking my lone-wolf status, but I rejected them all, without even thinking twice. And I did so not only because I wanted them to feel my pain, but also because love wasn’t something I could simply trust.
I had to look up what fauna means. ^^; I think just saying flowers and animals instead of flora and fauna is better. You don’t have to change this if you don’t want to, though.The scenery was exquisite – a serene, freshwater pond, coupled by a lush field filled with a variety of beautiful flora and fauna. It was a perfect setting for romance.
This is what I’m talking about. You have him say “infatuating” and then talking about how she’s a *****. And yes, I know what infatuating means actually. :O You don’t necessarily have to change this either, but in my opinion this part would work better with a more common word or phrase than that word.My mom – wherever she was now, whoever she was infatuating, that ***** – said that traveling would make me stronger.
Both of these sentences are comma splices. The first one probably would be better off with an exclamation point (“Interesting!”) and the second one would probably be best suited as a period, though a semicolon could work as well.“Interesting[,] I’ve never seen a Hoppip in Ilex Forest before.”
“Uhh, guys, maybe we should leave it[,] it looks pretty angry.”
Is the single tear thing possible? Lol. Just makes things sound more dramatic than they really are. Teary eyed sounds more plausible and less, ahem, corny.A solitary tear began flowing out of my eye; that was the first time I felt true sadness.
So hoppip can't learn solarbeam naturally; they need a TM for that or some form of human intervention to learn it. Its evolutions can, but not hoppip. And you write it so ... airy. Like this puny thing could fire solarbeams like a weak razor leaf attack, or something, even though solarbeam is a pretty powerful move that also requires time to charge. Anyway.I left them, firing a Solarbeam along their way.
I doubt it even could reach the waves, not unless that what you meant, because ocean waves usually mean there's wind, and hoppips, as we know, are carried away by wind. And even if it did reach the waves, it's more likely that it will be crushed. Humans have trouble in rip tides; I'm not sure how a one pound hoppip would not get crushed or pulled down. While I get that a hoppip probably would just float backward in the wind if it were punched, I'm pretty sure a hitmonchan could have just smashed it it if were THAT annoyed. Nitpicksss.When I jumped off the cliffs near Cianwood, I was too light to feel the impact of the waves. When I angered a Hitmonchan, my skin was too soft for me to feel his punches.
andThey were, in human terms, “cute” – the girls were ****ing hot – but all those positive qualities were bound to be equated negatively.
it's really hard for me to pity it. It also confuses me on how your main characters hates how all the other hoppip are concerned with outer appearance when it seems to me that your main character only liked this girl because she was “hot.” He acts like he is better than them, when he really isn't. Was your main character vain like the rest of its group and then realized the wrong of its community once its heart was shattered? Then again, these thoughts were after it left the community, so it's still pretty vain anyway.She was one of, if not the, hottest Hoppip there was in the group.
This is hard for me to believe, because hoppip need to be tight knit just to stay in their habitat as seen here in this pokedex entry:It was a simple philosophy: “I mind my own business, you mind yours. You **** off, and I **** off.”
Other pokedex entries state that they often link leaves together when a strong gale approaches. So separating themselves in “cliques” is not only dangerous for them as an entire community but also seems unnecessarily, dare I say, human-like.Gold pokedex entry said:To keep from being blown away by the wind, they gather in clusters. They do enjoy gentle breezes, though.
Once more, this hoppip is doomed if a strong breeze blows through. I doubt it would separate itself from the group, or would at least bring another hoppip along so they could link together. In fact, the only times you use a hoppip's traits is when you're describing its attempts to kill itself (two of them I pointed out earlier).She was alone in a field, next to a pond.
This scene shows how you neglected how heavy a hoppip actually is, lol. I mean, you're telling me that it was soft enough to endure a hitmonchan's blows, but hard enough to knock down a human man? Wasn't Hoppip tired from traveling as well, and didn't it exhaust most of its energy in that human-made solarbeam? How did it have the strength to pull off a tackle so strong that it knocked the hunter off his feet?I screeched as I charged towards the same fried Hunter, giving him my most powerful Tackle ever. I landed on his head, and he landed face-front towards the ground.
Fighting the slight resistance, fingers sticking to the clotting blood, his nails clawed to find something to anchor them- and his grip slipped slightly as he managed to secure it. As he bit down on his tongue and pulled, screams strangled in the empty rush of air, he fought to ignore the fact that there was no way the Rockets could plan something like this.
The pressure reprieved a little, before, with a muffled grunt, he finally managed to tear the thing away. He inhaled sharply with a gasp, barely able to hear the clang of metal as the device hit the ground and his fingers tore away the blindfold, before he was doubled over in a dry wretch. His muscles trembled, and he fought away the virulent cocktail of shock and pain convulsing through his system as he threw his head back, gasping huge breaths of air. Taking control of his thoughts again, he managed a cough before opening his eyes, swimming through the waves in his vision until he finally recognised the cold stone of the room.
It took him a second, though, before the full implications of the slightly dated marble tiles scorched through his mind.
He was in the basement of the Psychic Gym. The basement of his gym.
I think that’s supposed to be any.Everything was still, and he felt his heart beat soften a little; the bare minimum of furnishings he had chosen to decorate the place didn't offer an spaces big enough to hide in.
First bolded part should be thrust. Second bolded part should have an apostrophe before the “s” in mans.He frowned at the sight of the ghost pokemon, until it stretched open its hands to caress the body before it, igniting a quiet moan- before it thrusted its hands deep into the mans skull.
Wasn’t able to understand what was going on until I reread this part a few times. Here there are quite a few adverbs and adjectives that you could have gotten rid of to make the sentence be read faster and also to have the emotions be said much clearer. Sometimes too many words can slow reading down for the audience, and you don’t want that to happen. Then again, I write mostly suspense and comedy, and those genres require actions to be fast paced. :x Hence, I can’t be able to judge if you’re able to pull Morty’s personality right because some parts I was confused what was going on and how he was feeling.He blinked through his automatic frozen position, hand raising once again as he took another breath to touch his throat, ignoring the sting as he brushed the jagged edges where the blood had begun to clot. He tried to speak again.
This bit. Not that I want to try, but your fingers alone are able to tear through the flesh at your neck? I know the skin there isn't exactly tough (ideally, you can use something sharp to poke through it in extreme choking cases), but really? Fingers?His nails sunk into his skin, tearing it, and he could barely recognise the dulled streaks of pain - let alone be grateful for it – as his nerve endings dulled; after the fall of Goldenrod two weeks ago, he’d listened to their prophesised challenge of him, his gym. Those glorified biker thugs, in their stark white and black suits - who somehow had known how to find him, knew too much- he used his anger to dig deeper, and his mouth opened in an airless gasp as his sticky fingers broke through the surface, nails scratching against a small, rectangular object attached to his oesophagus.
Purple_drake already pointed this out to you in the thread, but Morty's gym is a ghost gym ... hence all the ghost pokemon he has. It kind of does bring up another problem where Morty's character (personality, his power, prestige) didn't seem to have an importance other than the fact that he uses ghost pokemon. So why use Morty instead of another trainer that uses ghost types if that's the case?He was in the basement of the Psychic Gym. The basement of his gym.
The darkness had been one of the first things that they could remember; they had been born out of it, after all, their souls absorbing the shadows and twisting them. They could remember how it seemed to stretch on forever, the only color the single white circle that dominated all of their bodies. The single eye that stared from the walls and ceiling; the unblinking stares meeting, as if to convey some emotion that was only understood by them.
Time had no meaning in their dwelling. Day and night all blended together, no distinctions separating the two in the shapes’ minds. They had no idea how long they had been there, and knew it was pointless to wonder. The only conception of time was the faint feeling of boredom that accompanies long stretches of inactivity, and even then it was something that could be easily ignored.
After all, they didn’t truly feel. They were created – creations that existed only, like the corpse that remains after death. Sometimes they longed to escape, sometimes they were content. But these were feelings that were vague, and never thought upon for long.
There was no noise that filtered in from outside their abode. The shapes had no idea of what a bird’s chirp sounded like, or the greetings of a friend, or the trill of a phone. They only had their humming; a low, almost mournful sound that echoed throughout their dwelling, amplified and magnified by the countless other voices that would join in. The noise would crest and fall, conveying all the emotions they didn’t understand into a melody of anguish; a nocturne of sorrow. Their song had been song for eons, never ceasing or changing; merely continuing on, filling the chamber as it had for time untold.
This sentence seems to be missing a word to make it sound more flowing. Perhaps and between “Ruins of Alph” and “were.”He frowned at the rock wall in puzzlement, remembering how the tour guide had called these “Ruins of Alph” were supposedly haunted by the ghosts of ancient settlers.
Corpse-like, though? I wouldn’t say they don’t feel. They’re at least capable of feeling emotions from other sources if not from themselves (unown in the anime were used to tell Ash how his lavitar was feeling and the unown responded to Molly’s loneliness in one of the movies). The movie featuring unown describe unown as timid and careful (hence why they are in such desolate locations, like the Ruins of Alph), so them thinking about “escape” is kind of odd. Of course, most of this can be countered by the following paragraph where you state that they couldn’t hear anything else but themselves. The only real nitpick here would be the unown long to escape as that goes against their nature.After all, they didn’t truly feel. They were created – creations that existed only, like the corpse\ that remains after death. Sometimes they longed to escape, sometimes they were content.
I bracketed the weird ... ellipsis thing you have here. I mostly think this is just a typo, so I won’t bother telling you how to fix it. =P The second bold part is awkwardly worded because it sounds like Gold is wondering why HE himself exists when I think you meant why people like Silver exist.... with little regard for either of their pokémon[. ..]it stunned him that someone could be so cruel. Gold reflected on why people like him existed ...
There's no such thing as “its'.” There's only “its” and “it's,” with the latter meaning “it is” or “it has.” “Its” is the neutral form of “his” or “her” and is also used as a possessive pronoun, i.e.“belonging to it.”Gold quickly ordered Rocky to tackle the base of the tomb, and eagerly stood aside as the Onix proceeded to carry out its’ master’s orders.
“Us at the S.P.S.A. have seen the pollution with our own very eyes. It turns out that the money that thousands donated to the tower out of pure kindness. Our very money, which they said was going to improvement of their radio shows, actually went towards a plumbing operation. The Radio Tower told no one about this but their own employees.”
Jern realized that the words were the truth. He remembered the plumbing crew working just a few months ago. Though he did wonder how much money the tower had for plumbing projects and the likes, he'd dismissed it as nothing of importance.
“All trash from the tower goes right into the Goldenrod River, right after being squished into a disgusting pulp.”
Jern had heard of the processing of their trash. The Manager said it was to... Conserve space, yes.
“That includes their paper. The Radio Tower has yet to make the small investment in recycling bins.”
Another truth. Jern had never seen...
Nice. XDJern followed him. If it wasn't for the sleeping, then... Was he getting another promotion? He smiled. He could definitely use it.
Hard to see, but the bolded part there’s supposed to be a comma after “all” and not a period. If you’re going to have the spoken sentence end without a question or exclamation point, but the sentence itself is not finish (say you want to mention the character yelled, etc.) you have to use a comma.“I said it was interesting, right? With the Radio Tower news and all.” Pan said, now breathing over Jern's shoulder.
In this one the bolded part needs to be lowercased. Also, each time after a spoken sentence the next word has to be lower cased ( there are a couple exceptions where you can capitalize like if the next word is the speaker’s name). I hope I explained how to punctuate speech somewhat. ^^; I think the other judges can explain this better than me and I know one guide written by a friend of mines that can explain this a thousand times better than me.“Sir, stay back!” A policeman warned. His partner got into an aggressive stance, looking towards Jern and the crowd behind him.
Too.But possibly he was just thinking to hard.
An. “Ordinary” has a vowel letter at the beginning.The man wore a ordinary Radio Tower uniform, with a name that Jern didn't really care about printed his shirt.
This is the next problem. Isn’t the tower five stories, not six? Then again, the remakes might add a sixth one. XD Also, don’t remember if the anime version has the tower be six floors, so yeah.The small group went into the third floor elevator, then rode it all the way to the top, sixth, floor.
You know, others may disagree with me, but I really liked your ending. There was no sense of closure, you left the reader hanging, and it was abrupt. It was awesome. You built Jern as this opposing force to the evil of the Radio Tower once he got fired (and alluded that he was pretty iffy about the radio tower's motives while he still had his job), and you continued to build on his strengths and his “hate” for the tower, making the reader assume that he would be the force (or one of the forces that helps the game hero) that finally brings down Team Rocket and the Radio Tower. And to have it just ... just abruptly end like that before he could really change anything was ... awesome. Lol. I thought the build up was done well, and to have it shot down so quickly was so “what the hell” but in the awesome way. Yeah. I repeat myself. I still can't get over this, lol.Jern passed out, unsure of whether he would awaken again.
Roared, instead of roars. Not sure about punctuation when you're quoting something else within a quote, but I think you only need the first question mark after “true.”“And also, Jern, 'are the rumors true?'?” The Manager roars cruelly.
This is just an example of awkward sentence structure/incomplete sentence. I understand that you wanted to try the short, choppy sentence structure to make your point more clearer (maybe in not this example, but I saw you try to do it a couple of times), but you gotta make sure it makes sense at the same time.Though Jern, rushed, couldn't care less at the moment.
I was a little confused by this action. He was so overwhelmed that he fell asleep?Jern slammed the paper back onto the table, tilted his head back, and without a sip of his coffee, fell asleep. The man was overwhelmed.
I liked this bit and found it to be one of Jern's strongest scenes in terms of personality. He's against the radio tower's ways, yet he still wants to help his friend with his dream of becoming the manager of the radio tower. T'was a nice bit.“Teal.” Jern calmed down and tried to think fast. He had to find some way to get Teal to go back to his job, even if the reason was false. Yes! Jern knew what he would do. “Teal. Please, keep my legacy going.” Jern tried his best to force fake tears into his eyes. “Go back to the job. Make people remember me for how I was.” Jern knew he would think back and laugh at these moments, but Teal seemed to be fully believing him across the room.
Like that. That one was hard to pick up until I re-read it. I actually completely forgot about the “fake” manager in the games and was prepared to write this nitpick on how unprofessional the manager seemed while firing Jern (well, I guess I can still nitpick on that).Jern looked up at him. He never spoke like that.
Instantly, Jasmine woke up, eyes wide and panting. She couldn’t focus on anything in the moonlight for a while, and that made it longer for her heart to stop hammering against her chest. When she finally could focus, her heart leapt up all the way to her mouth.
For the doll was looking over the edge of the dresser, looking as thought it might topple over at any moment.
Jasmine jerked back, bumping against the wall with a small cry. The doll didn’t move. It remained on its front, facedown, and she could see that the legs were positioned as though it had fallen over. She put her hand to her chest to still the beating.
“You frightened me!”
Picking the doll up, Jasmine knelt on the bed to place the doll back in a sitting position. She then realized that she had spoken to the doll as though it were a living person, and then with a shiver, remembered the dream. It had seemed so real, so vivid.
Not to mention that the voice was downright scary.
“‘Play with me’, huh?” Jasmine muttered, smiling wanly at the doll while stroking its raven-black hair. “Don’t you know? I’m way past the age of playing with dolls.”
Love this part because of the suspense of it. You did well with Jasmine’s confusion of the placement of the doll there.She didn’t know what woke her, but when she looked up, the first thing she saw was the doll. It was sitting where she left it, on her dresser. Staring at her. She shook herself, mentally reprimanding herself for rehashing that same ridiculo –
Jasmine sat bolt upright. She had clearly placed the doll so that it faced the wall at the foot of the bed… hadn’t she?
Then why was the doll looking to the left… at her?
The effect you conveyed here (the whole silence and then noises that just gets louder and louder) is perfect here. Actually, I loved the whole scene with the doll getting Jasmine. :3At first the sound was quiet. A slight rustle, a small thump. Then it repeated again, followed by a dragging sound. Again… again… and again.
Jasmine opened her eyes. That sound was out of the ordinary.
Regardless of how much I turned a blind eye to my predicament, Tobias had a point. Matthew was another breed of idiot. Kinder Pokémon would call him a detached soul, but they’d be singing to a different tune if he’d spaced out on them in the middle of a match trying to recall the moves I knew like he did to me.
After three weeks of getting hopelessly lost, riling a horde of agitated Spearow and getting beat by the first gym leader’s Flying Pokémon twice in a row, Truck (his only other Pokémon at the time, a hot-headed and clumsy Phanpy) and I had finally won Matthew his first badge on our third and final attempt. This was to be the first of many more close shaves in our Johto League campaign, but the shame of losing to a Pidgey and Pidgeotto twice in a row was nowhere as bad as what was coming next as we left Violet Town to go south along Route 32 towards the Union Cave.
Matthew had begun the day by letting me out of my Poké ball for some fresh air as we walked along, fully healed of my injuries sustained in Truck and my fierce match earlier that week. I walked a little apart from Truck and Matthew, wondering what the young boy’s problem was, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw something tubular and stripy flop out of the path surreptitiously into the boy’s path. A glowing yellow sphere adorned the end and Matthew, with his mind only Celebi knew where and before I could call out in warning, planted his foot right on top of it.
An alarmed bleat came from nowhere and a large discharge of electricity rose from the bush, blowing Matthew high in the air and heavily onto his back with a voluble SMACK.
“<Matthew!>” I called out in shock, watching the boy stir feebly and the owner of the thing Matthew had stepped on (one very angry Mareep) leap out of the bush and ignoring me, charged down Matthew as he rolled over, his eyes wide in fear as he saw the flashing fleece of the Mareep.
When reading that sentence, I’m like, “When will this sentence ends?” ^^; I think this sentence would be fine if you somehow break it into two.The monkey’s usually smiley face which I vaguely recalled then to be something I’d seen out of a handbook in the library was gone, replaced by a look of hard, vindictive fury that gave it a dangerous look as I looked down and saw that the item I was clutching so hard that I had unwittingly caused it pain was none other that the Ambipom’s tail.
such as this. This isn't a sentence, though I do get what you mean. You also want to reread when you tack things like “with a ____” because you might giving the action to the wrong character. Technically you're saying that the girl is the one sneering.And laughing aloud, turned to receive his ‘Pokédex’ and Toto’s Poké ball and left the room after the girl with a final sneer at the last youth left to pick.
This is ... er ... what? Lol. While we have a semicolon example (you have a few scattered in your story, some correctly used and some not), one of the times when you can use a semicolon is when both side of the semicolon can stand alone as its complete sentence. Semicolons are mostly used to connected similar sentences together; it keeps the flow going unlike a period which would make the flow choppy.Granted, we were still winning matches on our third and final tries, but with Vic and Poke on our side and Truck and myself growing tougher; we the Pokémon got stronger, and Matthew slowly yet steadily more steadily more self confident with each passing day.
The phone conversation was awkward with all the bold and italics, and it was actually distracting because it stuck out like a sore thumb. You don't need to use special formatting to differentiate a phone call from regular dialogue. Reference that Matt or whatever character is talking to someone else on the phone and leave the text as it is.A small click told me that the call had been connected and a warm voice said, “Matt! Hi! How are you?”
Well, you're not really missing the sarcasm in your pokémon's voice if you, well, note it in your thoughts.“<Yes,>” Leafy said with a faint smile. “<It makes a nice change winning one try earlier that usual, doesn’t it, Matthew?>”
“You know,” I said, missing the sarcasm in my Pokémon’s voice. “You’re right. I feel so pumped, I say we move to Olivine right now!”
You casually reference Matt getting his Plain badge, or the badge you get from Whitney in Goldenrod. Whitney's specialty is normal types. I do think this might be a typo since you referenced that he was scared of simians instead of normal types, but it's kind of a major one. You also write that Matt gets an eevee, a normal type, which he doesn't seem to have a problem with. If he really is scared of normal types, I think it would be nice or maybe even necessary to write about how he got past his phobia of normal types. If it's a typo, well, change it. XPBack then there was only one thing I looked forward to, despite my phobia of lightning, loud rumbling noises and Normal Pokémon ...