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Heart and Soul: The one shot Contest!


Aspiring Author
Wow! I did much better than I was hoping for! Thank you judges for all your kind words and constructive criticism! And a special thanks to you Negrek (I know you've heard this a million times by now, but I don't think I myself have said this yet) for stepping up to the plate! =D

Also good work to all the contestant who entered. I look forward to competing with you the next contest! Whatever and whenever it may be (I'm starting to like this one shot contest thing) >=)


Pokedex Researcher
Wheee, second? That's nifty. I did spend quite a bit of time fussing over it before I submitted it. And then after. It's like twice as long now, although that still needs editing...

Anyhow, congrats to everybody and thanks for the review work, judges! That was fun.
Fifteenth place! For a first-time participant in a contest, I don't think that's bad at all! Heck, I expected twenty-second place!

Yeah, I did forget that Hoppip are abnormally light creatures. Haha. I'm very grateful for the reviews, though! They will really help me once I rewrite the entire thing and post it here!

Congratulations to the twenty-eight other writers, as well as the three [well, used to be five] judges! I can't wait for the twenty-nine new threads coming in the fanfic section! =D

Air Dragon

Ha, ha... not.
Yay for HG/SS!

*exhales heavily...*

10th place? Not too shabby, for a first time, AD. Not too shabby at all...

Well, I got a lot to say, but the first thing I've learned about contests, like Araleon, is this: DO NOT PROCRASTINATE! EVER!!

Reminding myself that my entry was one of the last minute ones, I actually thought I'd get scored lower for it due to its rushed parts and not well thought out bits. It was rather a surprise, beating other masterful writers at this game. But I'm glad I got to play alongside, and hold my own against many i'd consider top notch authors (in the making).

The judges were awesome. All of you guys. Your reviews and ranking system helped me to see where I fell short and where work needed to be done. This contest and your replies have made me a better writer.

Bay, for sticking it out to the end and going through what i believe was hell incarnate to get these results to us at the end. For Breezy, for giving me the highest ranking of the three of you. Just kidding :p . It was great seeing you critique my work after so long, most refreshing indeed.

And Negrek. Where do i begin? For all you've done and sacrificed for this contest (sleepless nights, burning eyeballs and mental health and sanity), for your commendable and downright awesome concrit shown not just to me, but to all 29 (OMG!!!) entries and basically keeping this contest in existence till it's due end. Kudos.

to bobandbill and Zephyr Flare, you have my gratitude for allowing this contest to exist, for turning a 'blind eye' to many anguished and unintentionally spammy thread replies and for sending the shout out to all entrants about the posting. Thank you again.

Let us not forget Golden, who, despite failing to hold out till the end, actually begun the thread, gave us all the light of competition in our hearts and just plain kept us loose and fluid. Dude, you rule.

Last note to reviewers: don't be a stranger to The Corei Quest! (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Breezy :D) Come on in and take a stroll around, ripping up the crap where you see it and hopefully, just have a darned good time!

To all entrants, it's been an honour competing with you all. May luck favour us all in all future endeavours, and i can't wait to see what we all brought to the table in our finished products.

It's four a.m. here, and as i have a service to attend later, i'm afraid i'll have to sign out here. Now to edit this monstrous disaster and wait for the go ahead to post it for real.


P.S.: Beware the Mareeeeep... XD ;179;;179;;179;
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Your Big Buff Bro
Congrat to all who entered the contest. Yeah... xD.... it's alright if I didnt do too well. It was still fun. x3 Next time, Ill be sure to do better.

Ill make sure to work on my writing more. And thanks for the feedback from you 3. :)
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Congratulations, everyone.

Hope I'm not asking too much, but I do want to know what I theoretically could've been been ranked at if not for the offender.
Hm, not sure about the others, but after rereading my review of your fic, I might rank you perhaps between the 10-15 mark. :3

And everyone else, glad you're cool with the reviews. Honestly, I still think a few of you will go on a fit that our reviews sound the same, but rankings different. D:

Oh, and everyone, why not any of you commenting on Zadro's banners? He worked hard on them for this contest. :< lol
Blood, blood everywhere, but not a drop to drink.

16th place, not too shabby. Its almost half-way... :O

I know that I've been sucking with commas and colons and the like for years, so its no big suprise that all three of you caught on and bearated told me - It just seems that no matter how hard I try, nor however diligently I work, I can never get to a point where there are only a few scattered amongst the fic. Although its not an excuse, I kinda' screwed up my timezones, leading to me believing that I had an extra day to proof-read and fix/ reinforce stuff, but as it turned out, I only had two hours before the cut-off :p

I'm sorry for subjecting the three of you to 30+ pages of convoluted sentences and more blood than you can poke a stick at. I had fun and will finally be able to post it in the coming... *insert timeframe here*

Zadros' banners? Could we expect anything less than great? XD

All thanks to Bay, Breezy and Negrek for your wonderful reviews and congrats to Chozo for coming out on top.

Oh, and Bay, you butched my name in your post. Though not to the extent as what EN-34 did to Nakata :p


I didn't expect any better. Seeing as it was the product of three, two hour writing periods in the last three days before the contest actually ended.

Whilst I'm here I might as well tell you I spent the majority of my time, ala the entire contest minus three days, writing a one-shot in which Eusine steadily becomes more and more insane until the point in which he kills Morty (his best friend) his alakazam (his starter) and in fact Suicune (his obsession) before being ultimately judged by Ho-oh before being incinerated on the spot.

Sadly, as I wrote I become more and more disillusioned with where I was going with it and stopped entirely because I hated the project. With little time left I started listening to music (my one and only source of joy in the world) to try and find inspiration.

By the way Breezy, did NOT know you were a Dream Theater fan, VERY well done :)

I myself knew it was horrible despite what others tried to tell me. Nothing worked, nothing made sense, it was too sappy and the ending was a barely flushed out infodump.

My only regret is not being able to make either Bay, Breezy or Negrek understand the actual plot of the fic.

Celebi can't just make it all better by going back in time. Once he lands, he becomes part of events, however small that part may be, for that period of time in history, he is affecting it. He cannot cross his own path. Maybe I understood that because I'm slightly obsessed with Doctor Who.

The girl didn't actually have an illness, this was a fabrication by her parents to protect their own reputation. They saw her talking to pokémon, they thought this was an ungodly act that would surely make them a social stigma amongst the community. The girl was led to believe she was ill so she wouldn't think of running away to avoid misery and so she wouldn't leave in any way, this way the parents could see her every action. They obviously turn her into cheap labour. This way they could make sure nobody found out.

The girl isn't actually destined to save the world in this fic. She WAS destined but because of Celebi's error she wasn't found, another (Gold) was found to divert evil from the world. I intended this to be a darker spin on the "Chosen One" fic we've all seen before. In that, her parents find out about her powers but don't fawn over her but lock her up for it, make her life a misery.

I suppose I left to much to chance, I wrongly hoped that you, the judges, would pick up on the small things that would have made the fic make so much more sense.

Well done for everyone else who could actually write something devoid of convolution.

Why do I even try and write emotion? I suck at it. Maybe I should've just had Lance gather the elite four and meticulously kill them one by one in front of each other in increasingly more gruesome and sadistic ways before blowing his own brains out. I CAN write that.


My Serebii face
I win!?

Hrm hm hm hm, hrm hm hm hm

And here I thought my tl;dr and preachy wankery philosophy lecture(s) would have sunk my chances of ever getting above 10th place. Guess not!

Had a reply to the judges typed up, but couldn't get the spoiler tags to work and figured no one else wanted to read what essentially boiled down to HOW AWESOME AM I SO AWESOME, so there you go.

Congratulations to my fellow participants, no matter where you placed. And thank you judges: I'm flattered you think my story was the best (or second best. Or third. Or...okay, stopping now.).


shove 'er in! ;O
Congratulations to all who entered, and major props to the top three entrants ;)

I really wanted to enter, but I had no drive to actually type out my idea.

Well anyways, those banners are great, Zad.

Air Dragon

Ha, ha... not.
Oh, and everyone, why not any of you commenting on Zadro's banners? He worked hard on them for this contest. :< lol

OK, now i feel bad. Where are the banners again? :p


Your Big Buff Bro
^I believe she's talking about the banners in the top three entries.

But speaking about the banners, they are most definitely excellent. Sorry if I forgot to comment them; but don't think I don't like 'em. xP
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Pokedex Researcher
Zadros' banners are very nice. I didn't think about it until I got off the computer, but it's kind of ironic that Bamboo and Cherry Trees has a kaleidoscopic background. One of the titles I considered was Kaleidochronos, after a techno babble explanation given for some of the events. In the end, I took it out, so changed the title.

Now I have to figure out how to attach the thing to my sig...

Umbreon Ruler

Swim for your life.
8th? *sighs with relief* So much better than I expected. :p

Thanks to Bay, Breezy, and Negrek for taking the time to review. And congratulations to all the other entrants, especially the top three. And awesome banners, Zadros. My favorite is the one you made for Chozo.

This post is so generic. ;.; But sincere.


Bewear my power
O_O I actually got in the top ten?

Wow. I actually expected my story to be significantly lower, since there are people here better than I am.

Congrats to everyone for entering, and of course to everyone who won!


Wannabe Hasbeen

Wow, maybe this will motivate me to write some more. I was certainly not expecting 6th place, and definitely not Bay's praise. :D

I agree with Negrek that my story was a bit simplistic, but I just wanted to have fun with it so I didn't think too much about symbols or themes, etc. I remember I turned this in just a few days after I had finished typing it up, and there was still a month or so left of the contest. Maybe if I had taken another week to go over it I would have caught some of my errors.

Thanks for all your work, judges. I didn't realize there was so much work to be done on your part, and I admit I was starting to get impatient. Oh well. It was a fun contest.

EDIT: To answer Bay's question about the significance to the names: I usually take them from other languages or just cool sounding words, and then change the spelling of a few of the syllables. For example, Resen's name came from "resin;" that stuff you use on a violin bow. I think Beid's name came from the name of a star, but I can't remember.

And to address Breezy's critique about the ending seen feeling tacked on, I do remember wondering how I was going to wrap up the story. I didn't want it to be a very "final" ending, because Beid and his trainer still have an entire journey ahead of them.
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Well-Known Member
Wah-ah-oh, what the chickens?? Fifth?? Wow. I was expecting...IDK. Probably eighteenth or something. XD But cool, awesome. Good to know it got the feel I was going for. Congratulations to everyone else, too. X3

And yeah...I did have a sort of akward time trying to write the ending of mine. >_< Somehow sappy emotion and I have never easily gotten along very well. I had fun writing about Emma and co, though. Crazy or cuddly Pokemon are always the most fun to write about, I think.

And also...I think this contest just got me hooked on writing these one-shots. :p


PoketmonMaster, sorry about that. XD; Edited your posting already, so yeah. :p Dang it, usernames should be easy to remember. D:

Diddy...first off, I wouldn't advise you to write Lance like that. Well, you can pull it off if you know Lance's character well (heck, purple_drake did something like that for the last contest and she got first place, but only because she knew Lance from top to bottom, even better than me, the judge), but scenes like that could easily make a character go out of character. Considering this is the HG/SS contest, I might actually put points down if you have Lance out of character (I mentioned on some entries the canon problems they did). However, you don't suck at emotions. You're getting better at it, actually. You just need to expand it a bit more, that's all. Heck, I need to work on emotions too.

I suppose I left to much to chance, I wrongly hoped that you, the judges, would pick up on the small things that would have made the fic make so much more sense.
The thing is there were a few things we were confused about, that's all. I also mentioned on a lot of entries how I was confused what was going on and such. Considering the deadline for this contest is shorter than the other contests, it's a given many entries won't be able to have time iron out the smaller details.

Ysavvryl, basically you save the banner in photobucket and then you wrap the url tags around the IMG tags. If you need more explanation, let me know. XD

Chozo, sorry you didn't get first place from any of us. I would have given you first place though if I can do a three way first place tie. D: Honestly though, it's awesomesauce. *thumbs up*

Morpher01, Koridojo_Blaziken, and Umbreon Ruler, I'm quite impressed of your entries actually and didn't expect them to be that good XD You three sure surprised me. :)

Yamikarasu, I'm just a sucker for parable like stories, so that's part of the reason why I gave you so much praise. Also, simple is good. :3


Really and truly
Just wanted to say I read over a fair number of reviews and would like to congratulate all the entrants on a job well done, and especially commend the three judges for putting so much time and effort into their reviews (especially when rushed) for all twenty-nine entries, through yet another case of Disappearing Judge to boot.

Great job, everyone. It's awesome seeing such spirit for writing, as well as the upcoming Johto games. You all deserve a pat on the back and a copy of HeartGold/SoulSilver.



E/GL obsessed
they’re made by my good friend Zadros. :) If you don’t like them though, bother him for a better version of the banner! :p

I likes it, I likes it! ^__^ *bows to Zadros* Thank joo~

Congrats to Ysavvryl and Chozo on the second- and first-place wins—nice work! ^__^ Also congrats to everyone else too—sounds like a number of people got placed above their expectations, so good-o!

Also the following are spoilerered because they’re long and review replies and I’m sure not everyone wants to read them except the judges. ^.^;

Someone battling in the nude? Awesome. XD; I think that somewhat inspired from Breezy and me. :p

You may have ... encouraged it. Just a little. X3

I also find it interesting the huge conflict between the ninjas and dragons and you laid out their history very well by a mixture of the two girls’ POV, Lady Ryukko’s journal, and Lance’s thoughts on the matter. I think I remember hearing something about that, but not sure where. ^^; No matter, though. Have to agree on Breezy though this is awesome you’re able to come up with a story just from those signposts. Neato. *runs and looks at the signposts at my neighborhood*

Thanks~ ^^ Now I'm curious to see where you might have heard about the history, because as far as I know there's nothing about it in canon ... I suppose it's possible I've mentioned it someplace before. XD; Heh, I do have a habit of running around reading things and talking to everyone in the games. X3 You never know when you might find something with an interesting quirk or implication.

Speaking of POV, you’re able to do the switching POV thing well in your story. Usually authors have trouble with that as sometimes they would repeat the same event and the different character might feel the same thing. Also, the emotions might be lacking. However, you did well. Both the ninja and Lady Ryukko’s emotions were laid out well, both when they were thinking about their battle and also about how their clans are going against each other. I also love Lady Ryukko’s journal. Really adds a touch to her strong willed personality and also shows more on her thoughts on the warring clans.

Hogood; I recall being a tad uncertain about the POV switches, particularly between the ninja woman to Ryuuko, especially since I was going to lengths not to name either of them. I actually got to be quite fond of them both in the writing … if I ever get the chance I’d revisit them both, even if the ninja is being a little close-mouthed about her name. XD I think it might be Anzu, and then Janine was unknowingly named after her … or something. Originally there was going to be a subtle name-theme-link thing there, but I scrapped it.

The last part of the story I thought is both thoughtful and cute at the same time. :3 First off, I actually find it funny the last contest you have Lance lost his sanity after the tragic incident at the Rocket’s headquarters and here you have him all calm and playful. :p I see anime Lance more like that than game Lance (like I said to Ysavvryl, able to watch the episodes that featured him) because the former is more compassionate and fatherlike while game Lance is like that too, but with more attitude. Didn’t say anything about manga Lance as I haven’t read the Special manga, so for now I’m going by Lance’s personality in the anime and the game. You know more about Lance than me, though. XD; Besides Lance, I also like his granddaughter. She’s so adorable, that all I got to say. :D Have to say very nice that after that battle scene you have the two clans come to terms in the present and Lance thinking what would the two women think of that (I’m wondering about that myself too ;) ).

XDD Yes, well, I have to be nice to him sometimes, otherwise he’d explode and kill me. Besides, it’s fun. =3 It gets his hopes up.

Anime!Lance is more predisposed to being calm and fatherly, yeah. In the games, and especially in FRLG, Lance is pretty hard-assed; I think he’d be similar to manga!Lance (especially post manga!Lance's heel face turn; yes, he is indeed a villain) in that he wouldn’t quite know how to handle kids on a full-time basis: both versions’d probably be distant and a little demanding (unintentionally in FRLG!Lance’s case, obliviously in manga!Lance’s case). By the time of GSC he’s actually undergone a noticeable personality shift, what with being fairly jovial and almost deliberately oblivious and all-knowing … still fatherly, moreso than in FRLG, but a little eccentric/quirky at the same time. I figured by the time he hits his grandfather years he’ll have slowed down a lot in terms of his drive: he’d still be passionate about certain things, yes, but he will have achieved enough and feel secure enough in those achievements that the more personal aspects of his life will become more important and foregrounded, if that makes sense.

Woot~ \o/ Is it sad that I’m not even sure of that girl’s name? I think I’d planned for her to be named after Ryuuko, actually, and that was why Ryuuko was her hero … but I’d intended, at the beginning of that scene, to try and make the reader think that she was Clair, and Lance was Clair and Lance's grandfather, and the cousin who lived apart from the Clan grounds was Lance himself (as a way of symbolically integrating the past/more immediate present/future, given the theme is the changing of situations over the course of time). So stating her name was something of a moot point given her identity wasn’t meant to come until the end. It took a while to get her personality down pat, though. XD; She gave me a bit of trouble, that one.

I wonder that too, to be honest. XD;

There are a couple things I want to mention. While the battle between the women itself is well done, I think you could have make the Pokemon (or demons :p) be more involved in the battle. There have been a couple parts where you did that, like the Crobat attacking Lady Ryuuko. I would like to see more of the Pokemon attacking the girls and the Pokemon attacking at one another since it looks like the Pokemon didn’t do much but stand there.

Yeah, that was one of the things I was most worried about, actually: I had a hard time getting the pokémon involved the whole way through. Part of it is because the perspective is third-person limited, and in those life-threatening circumstances, in the middle of a battle like that, there’s really no easy way to include things that are happening outside of their little bubbles of action; there’s only so much spatial awareness they’d have, especially given that each of them knew they had a demon for backup. Trying to insert too much of the pokémon completely destroyed the flow in some places while I was writing it, which is why I went for less rather than more … I’ll see if I can’t tweak it to add in a little more action on their part, though—or at least implied action.

Another problem is I would be confused who’s doing what in the battle a couple times. Part of the reason is because you didn’t mention their names during the battle. I know you don’t want to reveal their names to keep that a secret or something, but it would be much easier to keep track of the battle if their names were revealed (I know you revealed Lady Ryuuko’s name later in the story, but you could have done it sooner). Actually, the ninja’s POV I’m able to figure out who’s doing who fine, but in Lady Ryuuko’s POV that was when I got confused. :x

That was also something I was worried about, particularly with the names thing. I originally hadn’t intended to introduce either of their names at all, but then that just got clumsy in the second part with trying to describe Ryuuko. But when I tried to introduce Ryuuko’s name in the first part, it just seemed … lopsided. I mean, the idea was the have the two women on pretty much equal footing, symbolically: both warriors, both Clan members, both demon trainers, similar thoughts and attitudes … giving one a name and not the other just seemed, iunno, wrong, at least at that point.

I’m not sure how I could make who’s who much clearer, though, given that I was deliberately avoiding having to refer to the narrator directly—more of a problem during Ryuuko’s perspective, given that that’s when most of the action happens. It seemed about as clear as I could make it without disrupting the kind of style I was striving for, though I’ll keep it in mind for further rereads because I’m mostly definitely anal enough for that.

One final thing is the writing style. Well actually, I love this new writing style you’re going for this story. It gives the quick pace of the battle and also a nice way of showing the women’s emotions during battle. However, there were a couple places where you have two colons in one sentence, which I have never seen before.

On the bolded part, it’s a bit weird to have two close to each other like that. Perhaps get rid of a dragon as the next part you already described the Pokemon to be of a dragon.

Another one of those sentences. Not going say how to change that as there’s actually a couple different ways, but I would rather let you decide that on your own.

Aha, I was wondering if that would get picked up. XD; I did say the style was experimental!

I actually saw that technique relatively recently—albeit in an essay, not a creative piece—and it had a nice sort of staccato rhythm that I liked and thought could go well with repetition and the reinforcement of their thoughts, and keeping the flow fast-paced and a little … hurried? If that made sense. I wasn’t sure how well it would succeed, especially given it isn’t exactly the standard way of using colons, but yeah. The essay was by Tolkien, though, so I figured if he thought it was okay to use colons like that in a lecture piece then it was prolly okay for me to try it out in a creative one. X3

Well, to sum it up, excellent story here. The battle is pure awesome and love the ending with Lance and his granddaughter to bits. The colons being close to one another is what that threw me off and so is the confusion on who’s doing what and the Pokemon not involved much during the battle. Still though, it’s a fun read and I enjoyed this study very much. :D

Thanks, glad you enjoyed. ^__^ Was great fun for me, too, especially given the archaic style I was trying for while writing a battle scene … man, that was tough. But fun.

You know, I never really thought about Mahogany Town or Blackthorn City (mostly because I never read the signs in the games XP) as rivals/enemy clans, but it really does make sense. Ninjas versus dragon tamers ... Ah, I can picture it now – most of it is because of your writing.

It kind of reminds me of the ninja vs pirates debate. 8D Except I like both those equally, whereas with this I’d choose a dragon tamer every time. XD Mostly the idea of their being rivals came because, if they existed at some point in the near vicinity to one another, and given the war-like tendency of Japanese feudal-era noblemen, I figured they wouldn’t appreciate another strong Clan being so near to their respective borders. There had to have been some kind of conflict.

I liked a lot of things about your story, but I think what I enjoyed best was the different perspectives from Lady Ryuuko and the ninja woman. I thought it was clever that you wrote them with such different beliefs, yet at the same time they're very similar; both think of each other's clans as dishonorable scum while their clan was the “right” clan with more honor and morals. The sword battles between them was written beautifully; I could imagine it perfectly in my mind, almost like a movie.

I had a lot of fun with those two. ^__^ Like I said to Bay, I really like both their characters, especially juxtaposed against each other. In a modern setting, they’d probably be friends: the quiet but strong-willed observer and the more assertive, also strong-willed leader. I think that was part of what made it so interesting to play them off each other, though; because of their respective experiences, they’re so very similar, but at the same time their experiences make it impossible for them to see each other as anything but an enemy. That was part of the point, though … a kind of commentary, if you will, on the quirks of fate.

Hee, thanks, I was thinking of the battle as kind of like a movie as I was writing. X3

I also really enjoyed your writing style in this section. I'm not sure how you did it or how to explain it, but I really felt like I was ... like I was in the time frame. Am I nuts? It was ... like ... wow. Lol. I actually was a little bit afraid of the glossary you had at the top that explained what each word meant because I always had trouble with fics that used different languages, but you wrote it so smoothly that I didn't really need to use the glossary. It just made sense that “random word here because Breezy really is that lazy to look up the actual word” would mean sword or whatever.

\o/ Thank you! That’s pretty much what I was going for. XD; I’ve written in really formal styles before, but I’ve never written anything distinctly archaic, so I wasn’t sure how well I did. I actually read some Lord Dunsany beforehand, and dug out my copy of The Silmarillion to see how Tolkien did the description versus the dialogue (because originally Ryuuko was going to give orders to her guardsman, because the idea of a dozen male samurai bursting into their warlord’s daughter’s bath while she’s still there and naked amused me; ultimately it was just extraneous stuff, though, and took away from the story so I scrapped it). So yeah. XD Research done on that one.

Yeah, I can understand how glossaries can be intimidating. XD; I generally put them in just in case, though, because I’d prefer not to assume that Pokémon fans would recognise all those words … in other, distinctly Japanese fandoms (such as Rurouni Kenshin, for one) they do and would, but not so much in Pokémon. Usually I wouldn’t bother with terminology in Pokémon fics unless it was necessary (to, say, describe Erika’s particular way of dressing, because she does dress in a very traditional Japanese way), but given that this was set 700 years or so in the past I figure it’d be more appropriate. Glad the foreign terminology wasn’t in the way, though!




*can only imagine what everyone reading this review is thinking by this point* XDDD

I thought Wataru as an old man was done well; he would seem like one of those grandfathers that would sit in their chair near the fire and read histories after years of an adventurous life. I'm not an expert on Lance (don't kill me!), but it was very believable. I also found his relationship with his granddaughter very cute.

Thanks! ^_^ He strikes me as that type too … all his achievements in his youth, and then when he ages he settles down a little more to enjoy the peace of his older years. Particularly after all the life-threatening circumstances he’d probably been in, I think he’d turn out to really appreciate his family and friends later on. He probably deserves the break by that time especially after all I do to him *shot*.

And of course I will not kill you, whatever gave you that idea? *halo* I will, however, be quite willing to educate you. >3

also Lane’s story, where is it, hmm? *shot again*

Was this story just based off that the sign post in Mahogany and the references to dragons in Blackthorn? If so, I am really impressed. I never, ever really thought of the two cities as rivaling clans, and the fact that you created an entire history (well a segment of history) from it just adds to my amazement. I really am wondering if something like this was in the games; if not, dammit, they should add it. Would make things a whole lot interesting. XP

Them and the quote from the scientist dude, pretty much, yeah … well, that and the realisation that, if there are ninja in Fuchsia, but they used to be in Mahogany, why did they leave the latter and go to the former? That, coupled with the idea that two powerful Clans so close to each other wouldn’t exactly co-exist peacefully (especially given the difference in their values: the ninja are ninja, obviously, but the Dragon Clan always struck me as being samurai in the past and IIRC they didn’t get on well historically speaking) and that’s where their warring and the driving of the ninja to Kanto came from. I've actually known all this for a while, I just hadn't had anywhere to place it in a story, so this contest really was a wonderful opportunity to explore their Clan histories.

I don’t think anything like this is in the games, although it’s seeped so much into my consciousness by now that I tend to sometimes forget what is canon and what’s just in my own head. XD;

Is the old ninja referring to Kyou or Wataru? o_O Now that I read it over, I can connect that you might be referring to Kyou, but my brain jumped to Wataru after that statement. So maybe something to re-tweak? Then again, I'm slow so ...

Yeah, I think this was just a slight brain-fart on your part, no offence. XD; Kyou is the last person referred to, so grammatically speaking the sentence referring to the ‘old ninja’ would usually be taken to referring to him. Plus I said at the beginning that Kyou is Koga, and Koga is a ninja while Wataru/Lance definitely isn’t, so … yeah.

Other than that, there really isn't anything constructive that I could add. Again, I am astounded by the idea that you concocted this entire story from one simple quote on a signpost. The description was impressive, your writing style is beautiful (I really enjoy your style if you couldn't piece that together, haha), and the characters are very likable. Waahhh. In short, I enjoyed this immensely and I liked pretty much everything about it. I probably won't look at the two cities the same way again.

Glad you enjoyed, and especially that you liked the style, given it was a first time writing in that archaic style for me. ^^; This is what happens when my mind gets a hold of … just about anything. It blows it up. I need to get it a leash ‘cos it keeps on running away from me.

And I am just corrupting like that. X3

Nice little slice of Johto history here; The battle scene was generally exciting and well done, though I'm not sure whether some of the moves would really interact as described given their timing. I don't really know enough about that sort of thing to be sure, though.

Hmm, I’m kind of curious now which moves stood out to you. Granted I don’t know a whole lot about these styles of fighting either, and I know some moves—like deflecting shuriken with a katana—are probably exceptionally difficult/unlikely if not impossible, but call it a slight matter of creative licence for an action scene? XD

The middle section, however, between the diary and where the granddaughter shows up, kind of slams down a big chunk of history; it's not uninteresting, really, but it splits the piece apart and lets the energy built up from the first section fizzle out. To an extent, it feels as though you were trying to write two different one-shots; the first and last sections could really stand on their own if need be.

The first part could probably stand on its own, I agree, but it would have a slightly different focus and meaning to what I was intending … it would show a scene of the past, yes, but that was only half the story. I don’t think the second part could, though; it would still require some kind of explanation as to this event that happened between Ryuuko and the ninja woman. And it did feel a bit like I was writing two different things, at times, so I see what you mean with that, but that was also part of the point—the first part, ‘on the scene’, as it were, was intended to be deliberately archaic while the other was more modern, and the former was active and war-like while the latter was peaceful and mellow. Given the purpose of the piece—to show the changing of events and political situations of the two Clans between the feudal era to the modern era—the juxtaposition was intentional. The relation between them was supposed to come through the rediscovery of once was and the union of the two Clans (in comparison to the total opposition of the past), as well as the reflection of how different the two time periods were.

Like I said to you earlier, though, the fic really was trying to give an overview of a potentially much larger story—that of the ninja/tamer war, and the ninja being run off Johto, and its eventual resolution—over an exceptionally large intervening time period, so I did wonder whether I was skating over things too much.

Overall, the writing was of a high quality, as I would expect. There were some places where it went quite strange, though, especially in the first section. I don't know whether it was because you were trying to use a slightly archaic style, but there were sentences like "She took little notice"--little notice of what? The sentence before suggests it would be the bat that she has on her back, but given that she knows it's there and is presumably used to carrying it, one wouldn't expect her to notice it at all. There are others, but that's the one that really stood out to me.

Ack, I do tend to do that … I think it’s because I still think of a sentence as referring specifically to the subject of the previous sentence, even though there’s another phrase in-between. :/ The choice in style probably didn’t help that either, because there were certain phrases and uses of words that I was limited to. Alas that’s one of those errors I’m lousy at seeing for myself. ._. Thanks~

It also seems like it took a long time for those castle guards to show up, considering that the fight as described would have been pretty noisy and there had apparently been someone right outside the room just before it began (it sounded as though the room was just off a normal corridor, not way up in a tower or something where it would be reasonably isolated). Other than that and run-of-the-mill typos, though, no problems.

Aha, y’know, I’m not sure that occurred to me? I figure she waited for the maid to get a decent distance away before she made a move, although I can certainly tweak that to make it more specific. Otherwise, I’d say a battle scene like this, even though textually it might take a few minutes to read, would probably actually play out in a minute or two—less if it was really fast-paced and given that it is decently short. Moves like that, even though they’re specific to describe, are actually really fast and happen really quickly.

But I figure the nearest guards would be at the doors to Ryuuko’s bower, if at all, which given that she’s the warlords daughter would have a number of fairly spacious rooms in it; its entrance could be far enough off that the noise wouldn’t be immediately noticed until one of her ladies in waiting came to get them. Also likely is that they’d be further off in the main parts of the castle. Or at least that’s what I’m going to say. XD; *will also edit so that the maid doesn’t leave down a corridor, just leaves*

Thanks for the feedback, though, and glad you liked it in any case. ^__^

Great job there, purple_drake! ‘cause naked chicks and Lance are A+++ :p *coughs* Anyways, for getting third place, Lance will come at your door as your lover for a day. :3



*drags hog-tied Lance through her front door*

ilu gaiz~ Best prize of all! <33.