Hell's Kiss

[Da' dude]

Ladies and Gents, I’m finally rollin’ out my first fic idea (in a while).
By the way, there will be possible language and older content, so just to be safe, I’ll rate it Pg-13. Take it easy, cause I'm only 12!

Hell’s Kiss​

Table of Contents
Chapter 2: A Glimpse of Evil Part 1
Chapter 2: A Glimpse of Evil Part 2
Chapter 3: The Alchemist and The Antagonist
Chapter 4: The Fierce First Fight!

Prologue

“Mt. Pyre, some call it beautiful, some call it odd, but I say that strange things have been happening recently…

‘You *******s! Move it! Don’t even think about dropping that shadownite, that’s what we use to power the shadow Pokemon!’ the rogue was enraged. After Cipher broke up, its members scattered across the world. One of its peons managed to gather some of the lost servants of the organization. They had hid away in Hoenn for years, planning their next move.

Those humans are idiots, messing with forces that they can’t possibly dream to control. They’re dealing with the supernatural, only through the art of demons do they control us… this was the common thought that pulsed in a Pokemon’s mind before the transformation.

Now these thoughts were racing through the mind of their newest victim: me. The containment chamber was colored by the blur of my jet black fur as I tried to break free, but with no success. The dark blue rings that marked my body radiated in my frustration.

Then it began. The grunts then filled a syringe with liquid shadownite as they began the operation. I looked in fear as they injected the serum. My mind went blank, then, dark thoughts flowed into my head. I saw images of gore and bloodshed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the taste of blood. Visions of carnage filled my eyes. They prepared the process for the next specimen. Her white coat shined. She had multiple tails; innocence filled her pale eyes. For some reason, they attached stimulators all over her body, but then I saw why…

They were starting to vaccinate her as her eyes turned red. The machine gauges exploded and her containment chamber cracked. Her fur turned black for a short instant, showing that some of the shadownite had already flowed into her bloodstream. The humans gazed in fear as their equipment burst. The fox-like creature broke through the chamber. The laboratory started to collapse as the machinery began to blow. She escaped through the worn down door that was weakened by the explosions. She rushed down the mountain and out of the humans’ reach. They sent the ‘new’ me after her…

That’s right! That Ninetales is a demon! Now back away, because I haven’t been able to shed any blood today.”

The Umbreon glared at us with his piercing red eyes. I could see a lust for death, his very gaze was bloodthirsty. Blood stained his lip, and a scarlet scar streaked across the ring on his forehead.

I stared at Yuki. Could she be evil, could she be a demon? She seemed so nice. I don’t know how I even got into this mess…

Now I remember: I was with Haku at the foot of the mountain, it all happened so fast, it was only two weeks ago…


Well that’s the prologue; I hope I get some good reviews! Chapter 1 should be up…umm, well, I’m not entirely sure cause my school life is packed, so stay 'laxed;munchlax;!

 

[Literate]

WOW! Cool! But you could say more, like what kind of pokemon the one that is narrarating. More description will do but this is fine by me. You need you add some closing and opening quotes. Just wait hold one a second..... I'm getting confused on who's the Ninetales and who's the Umbreon. Explain if you will.

P.S. Yes, you're only twelve and think stuff like this. But it is still cool, pardoning the language. (I'm twelve too.)

 

[Da' dude]

WOW! Cool! But you could say more, like what kind of pokemon the one that is narrarating. More description will do but this is fine by me. You need you add some closing and opening quotes. Just wait hold one a second..... I'm getting confused on who's the Ninetales and who's the Umbreon. Explain if you will.

P.S. Yes, you're only twelve and think stuff like this. But it is still cool, pardoning the language. (I'm twelve too.)

Thanks! Yeah, you'll find out who the narrarator in chapter 1. sorry about the confusion, it'll be more clear next time because most of the prologue was Umbreon talking, but it'll get clearer.

 

[Sempris]

Pretty good for being your first fic idea in a while. Your writing is a nice change from the recent N00b stories I've been having to sift through. Though a few things confused me:

That’s right! That Ninetales is a demon! Now back away, because I haven’t been able to shed any blood today.”

Was the Pokemon supposed to be talking or thinking? Because the quotation mark at the end semed to either be a typo, or you forgot to put the first mark in.

I stared at Yuki.

Now I remember: I was with Haku at the foot of the mountain, it all happened so fast, it was only two weeks ago…

Who in the world is Haku and Yuki? Perhaps you could've elaborated on who they were. Or maybe it was my mistake and I didn't quite catch who they were in the beginning...

But really good none the less. I'd give this a 7/10. This fic has a lot of potential, keep going!

 

[Da' dude]

Pretty good for being your first fic idea in a while. Your writing is a nice change from the recent N00b stories I've been having to sift through. Though a few things confused me:



Was the Pokemon supposed to be talking or thinking? Because the quotation mark at the end semed to either be a typo, or you forgot to put the first mark in.



Who in the world is Haku and Yuki? Perhaps you could've elaborated on who they were. Or maybe it was my mistake and I didn't quite catch who they were in the beginning...

But really good none the less. I'd give this a 7/10. This fic has a lot of potential, keep going!

Thanks! I did put quotes at the beginning and end of the character's speech. Well, if a character just states that a character is evil, well, who would you stare at? Sorry, I kind of wanted to introduce the characters after the prologue, that way it'd develop better character...oh, and thank you very much for the reviews!

 

[Bluestar Jet]

Very interesting story. I will be following it. Anyways...

I stared at Yuki. Could she be evil, could she be a demon?

^I do believe 'Yuki' refers to the Ninetales.
Other then that, no spelling or grammer mistakes I can see.
BJ ;378;

 

[Da' dude]

Very interesting story. I will be following it. Anyways...

^I do believe 'Yuki' refers to the Ninetales.
Other then that, no spelling or grammer mistakes I can see.
BJ ;378;

correct, glad I got some back up on that point!

 

[Bluestar Jet]

So, when will chapter 1 be up? *not rushing*

 

[Manulya]

~trying to think of what word could have that many stars~ Ill review later but for now I wonder For some reason Im in a reviewing mood. only for new fics though. PM me if you want me to review it fully, not just a small thing. ;manyula;

 

[Da' dude]

So, when will chapter 1 be up? *not rushing*

I'll try to get it up today, if i can't, I'll get it up by monday or tuesday...

P.S. I don't know which house I'll be at tommorow, so it might take a while...wow though, I'm amazed that I already got some reviews! You guys are awesome! I'll get chapter 1 up at fast as I can!

 

[Da' dude]

Guess what, I got it up today!
Here’s Chapter 1, enjoy!

Chapter 1:A nice gal, and a ticked off pal
Boy, just when I thought I’ve seen everything, my best friend ends up falling for the worst possible option. I mean, who would be so desperate as to date a demon? But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Now, how do I fit into this? Well it’s a funny question. I’m kind of like Haku’s best man, too bad I couldn’t help him in this fix. But maybe I should start from the beginning…

Me? Well, I guess every neighborhood has its oddball, and where I live, that would be me. It’s funny though, it’s actually because of Haku that I became the “local idiot”.

I was just going on my way, when I spied a long, bushy object sticking out from among the shrubs. Unfortunately, I was a very curious character. I grabbed the tail and pulled as hard as I could. Then, out of the bushes rose the head of an extremely ticked off Ninetales. His red eyes radiated in rage. You know that rumor about a Ninetales curse? Well it’s true, ever since I tugged on Haku’s tail I’ve become the disastrous bringer of bad luck. If people thought Absol brought disaster, they haven’t even come close to the trauma that I get messed up in!

Well, Haku and I finally sorted it out, but he still thinks I’m a clumsy oaf sometimes. As I was saying, Haku and I were exploring the summit. I was lurking in the dark, thick trees. That’s one advantage that grass types have over “flaming freaks”, we move swiftly in the treetops, of course, we weren’t trying to hurt each other, at least I wasn’t. I believe we were playing a hunt-and-hurt version of tag. I was out of Haku’s sight, so I stopped by the lake. It’s not that I was thirsty or tired, I was just bored, so I sat there and washed my dark green skin, and for some reason, I wanted to look in the lake’s reflection. I don’t know why, but I just love to look at myself in the water.

I saw an image in the crystal clear pool, it was me. I smiled at creature trapped in the pool. His features matched my own. I stared into the reflection’s hypnotic yellow eyes. I rubbed my stomach, and the illusionary character also rubbed his bright, crimson stomach. That’s when I realized that I was excruciatingly hungry. I was about to turn around when I heard a voice from behind, and unfortunately, I knew whose it was.

“I thought you’d be here Moku, it looks like you’re it…“ chuckled the merry voice of Haku. I gazed at his majestic golden fur. I guess he was just relaxing all day, not even bothering to follow me, then he’d come to my getaway and get me, o that’s great…

“Yeah, whatever…” I sighed, and then I turned at looked at Haku, who had an alert, but ever so worried, look in his teal eyes. “Haku, what is it?”

“Hold on!” he whispered, apparently he sensed something in the bushes. I don’t know how, but Haku just has this talent. He can sense power levels if the bodies are close enough. I stared at him dumbfounded, watching him shiver. That was a bad sign; it must be strong…and evil.

Then, Haku and I discovered the identity of the source. A beast stepped out from the underbrush, not paying any attention to us, instead, it looked at its tail which was scorched and bruised. Then it shifted its attention towards us and I began trembling. Haku just stared at the beast. When I looked again, I saw that the creature looked exactly like Haku. The Ninetales slowly limped towards us, and I saw that its leg was scratched and cut. The fox spit up blood, moaning in pain. It finally fell down face forward. Haku rushed over to the seemingly lifeless body.

“Are you all right?” what a stupid question to ask. I mean, how can you be okay if you’re throwing up blood?

“Moku, get the herbs!” I hastily sped for the bag of healing herbs that Haku and I picked earlier. Just in case either of us got hurt, we could use the herbs, but we didn’t expect that there would be anything this serious.

After about three minutes, I got back to the spot, and saw Haku and the Ninetales talking. Haku fed the girl the herbs; while I took some vines and made a little cast around one of her several tails. I later learned that her name was Yuki.

“Moku, go and find some help.” Haku gave the command, so I “went”. But I knew what he was thinking.

“You know as well as I do that…OW!” before I could finish my sentence, Haku gave a little “warning” that he wanted to be alone. By that, I mean that he burned my tail. So I left the two alone…

“How did you get hurt anyways?” Yuki just stared at the ground, wanting to forget the answer.

“All I remember was black fur, and sharp claws…that’s it.” Haku had no idea that she lied.

“Anyways, that’s not important, what’s important is that we keep you safe.” Haku tried to sound as serious as possible, but it really sounded gentler than he expected.

“Well, I feel pretty safe with you two.” Yuki replied, blushing. Haku also blushed a little bit, but he turned his head to try to hide it.

“You know, your friend is very good at spying on people. You can barely hear him.” she giggled. Her voice was sweet and her complexion was rather breath-taking. I just couldn’t believe she saw me! In my confusion and shock, I stumbled off the tree branch. Luckily, I was caught by Haku’s teeth. But when I saw how upset he was with me, I thought I would be better off just falling out of the tree.

After that though, Haku calmed down. Yuki and I became fast friends, but Haku didn’t talk with me that much anymore, because he was always talking with Yuki. But I didn’t mind that much; actually, I was glad we had the logical mind of a female among us. The best part is that she’s able to stop Haku from trying to rip me to shreds. I thought she was a very nice girl, and so did Haku…


Well, I hope chapter 1 was good, don’t worry, it’ll get better!

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

Pretty good, it sounds like a part of a series or something but it has potential. I wuv Ninetales so much..

You could elabarate a little on description, and your grammar's not the best. But it's an original plot, and I would suggest making it a little longer. It looks so long in the Reply box...and then when you post it it's tiny...which is why you should use MS Word.

Oh, and the person who had no idea what the asterisked word was, it was *******s. Just so ya'll know.

*runs away screaming because she typed a bad word*

*comes back*

I am thirteen...turned thirteen four days ago...

*runs away*

*cmes back*

Cool, SPPf has WORD FILTERS!

The word was bas and then tards. Yeah.

*runs away*

 

[Literate]

Wow. Yuki is very cute. Moku is the Umbreon right? It's kinda confusing. Change your title though. It's not very good to have something in mostly lower caps. Just my opinion and it doesn't seem like any grammer mistakes, except too much commas.

 

[HB5squared]

ummm It's sort of bland...original...but bland. I like reading stories that start out bad but end up good and well you've started out bad...so you'll probably finish good. This whole thing is quite confusing and you need a serious twist in the next chapter if you expect this to turn around. You are a grade B+ writer working on a D- idea. Please just turn this whole thing around and go in a new direction!

 

[Literate]

Mmm-hmm. I've just absorbed everything that HB5squared just said and technically it seems like she had just um...how do I say this... well you get what I mean but I think that was insulting. Really insulting. I think that this fic is okay. Story line good. Plot good. (You just can't really see it.) Characters well developed. Plus the idea is fine.

Bland? It's perfectly fine from what I can see. (It's not bland or a D- idea.)

Don't let this stop you (to Da' dude) cause I really want to see what happens.

 

[pisces_beedrill]

Ladies and Gents, I’m finally rollin’ out my first fic idea (in a while).
By the way, there will be possible language and older content, so just to be safe, I’ll rate it Pg-13. Take it easy, cause I'm only 12!

Hell’s Kiss​

Prologue

“Mt. Pyre, some call it beautiful, some call it odd, but I say that strange things have been happening recently…

‘You *******s! Move it! Don’t even think about dropping that shadownite, that’s what we use to power the shadow Pokemon!’ the rogue was enraged. After Cipher broke up, its members scattered across the world. One of its peons managed to gather some of the lost servants of the organization. They had hid away in Hoenn for years, planning their next move.

Those humans are idiots, messing with forces that they can’t possibly dream to control. They’re dealing with the supernatural, only through the art of demons do they control us… this was the common thought that pulsed in a Pokemon’s mind before the transformation.

Now these thoughts were racing through the mind of their newest victim: me. The containment chamber was colored by the blur of my jet black fur as I tried to break free, but with no success. The dark blue rings that marked my body radiated in my frustration.

Then it began. The grunts then filled a syringe with liquid shadownite as they began the operation. I looked in fear as they injected the serum. My mind went blank, then, dark thoughts flowed into my head. I saw images of gore and bloodshed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the taste of blood. Visions of carnage filled my eyes. They prepared the process for the next specimen. Her white coat shined. She had multiple tails; innocence filled her pale eyes. For some reason, they attached stimulators all over her body, but then I saw why…

They were starting to vaccinate her as her eyes turned red. The machine gauges exploded and her containment chamber cracked. Her fur turned black for a short instant, showing that some of the shadownite had already flowed into her bloodstream. The humans gazed in fear as their equipment burst. The fox-like creature broke through the chamber. The laboratory started to collapse as the machinery began to blow. She escaped through the worn down door that was weakened by the explosions. She rushed down the mountain and out of the humans’ reach. They sent the ‘new’ me after her…

That’s right! That Ninetales is a demon! Now back away, because I haven’t been able to shed any blood today.”

The Umbreon glared at us with his piercing red eyes. I could see a lust for death, his very gaze was bloodthirsty. Blood stained his lip, and a scarlet scar streaked across the ring on his forehead.

I stared at Yuki. Could she be evil, could she be a demon? She seemed so nice. I don’t know how I even got into this mess…

Now I remember: I was with Haku at the foot of the mountain, it all happened so fast, it was only two weeks ago…


Well that’s the prologue; I hope I get some good reviews! Chapter 1 should be up…umm, well, I’m not entirely sure cause my school life is packed, so stay 'laxed;munchlax;!

it is good, just try to describe yourself more. i like it, well done

 

[UmbreonMaster]

hey it's pretty good! So is Moku a Treecko, Grovyle, or Sceptile? Also Your gonna make Umbreon the bad guy ;_;.... *Sits in a dark corner* Anyways nice!

~UM~;197;

 

[Da' dude]

Umbreon's not exactly head evil...just, first villain...yes, narrator is a treeko

 

[Literate]

Okay, I didn't know. You didn't give enough context clues.

Is it okay if I really review it? Like point out all the errors and stuff?

 

[Da' dude]

Okay, I didn't know. You didn't give enough context clues.

Is it okay if I really review it? Like point out all the errors and stuff?

Of course, I want to know my mistakes so I can improve!