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Heroes After All

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Umbramatic, Jan 30, 2018.

  1. Umbramatic

    Umbramatic The Ghost Lord

    This... This is a fic I've been meaning to write for far too long. In developing it there was a lot of blood and sweat and tears before I finally decided to stop making excuses and, as the meme goes, just do it.

    Because from deep within the bottom of my heart this is a story very personally important to me.

    (Banner by Sworn Metalhead)

    [​IMG]

    Heroes After All

    Prologue

    This is one of the greatest love stories our world has ever known.

    Now hold up there for a minute! I saw that look in your eyes. You think this is one of those over-lovey-dovey romance stories no one can stand. Open your mind a little! Love is a spectrum, one that kind of thing is a bastardization of an itty-bitty bit of! No, this is a different breed of love story than that. What kind of breed? The breed you'll have to sit and stay for me to tell you what properly!

    As I'm doing so, you'll probably be a wise guy and mention you've seen this all before with a bunch of kids and a few adults and their Meowth and Pikachu getting roped into the mess. That'll give you some context at least, but even that tale told only part of one world's version of this story - and plot twist, this is another world's version, and I'm gonna be generous and tell you the whole damn thing. Some things will change, some things will stay the same, many things will go deeper into this whole tale than you've likely seen before, but I'm not telling which you'll get until I get to it.

    Though, enough of that. Since the version you've likely seen before told you pretty quick how those kids and their Pikachu got into their world's version of this story, I'll be straight up telling how I got roped into mine's...


    Chapter 1: Introductions

    Somewhere in Johto, around 2005 After Skybreak (around 1000 years before the present)

    Sticks. Rocks. Dirt. All of them battered and bruised the boy's body as he tried to shield himself from the blows.

    Eventually he tried to run, but the other children just followed after, yelling "freak" all the while.

    They managed to corner him, and their assault with words and objects only intensified. The boy cowered and curled up in a ball, just waiting for it to stop.

    But the pain and fear caused a strange power to build in his lungs and throat, enough for a distinct blue-green glow to emanate from his mouth. The power intensified rapidly until it came out as an unnaturally powerful scream, a scream that knocked the other children back and echoed throughout the village.

    The other children staggered to their feet.

    "H-He really is a monster..."

    "Let's get out of here!"

    "We'll get you someday, freak!"

    They all ran off, leaving the blue-haired, blue-eyed boy dressed in rags panting in exhaustion until he collapsed on his back.

    He lay there a while, waiting for one of the village's adults to find him, when he heard a strange noise.

    He weakly turned his head and saw a yellow Pokemon with small wings and a drill-like tail staring intently at him.

    "H-Hello?" the boy said softly.

    The Dunsparce hissed and used its tail to bury itself underground in reply.

    The boy sighed and slowly started to get to his feet when he noticed a young woman approaching his location.

    The woman was blonde with green eyes and was wearing strange clothing unfamiliar to the boy, a uniform with what seemed to be a two-part coat and a wide-brimmed hat with a spiky end and decorated with a symbol resembling three claw marks arranged in a triangular fashion. Upon further notice she also carried a staff of some sort in her left hand, both hands being gloved.

    The boy backed away from her quickly.

    "Y-you aren't from the village, miss..."

    The woman blinked, then sighed and put a hand to her forehead.

    "Kid, look, I'm not here to hurt you. Those other kids who were hurting you? A bunch of jerks. The kind of jerks who you shouldn't let boss you around."

    The boy stood and stared at her before tilting his head.

    "How do you know about the bullies?"

    He yelped as the Dunsparce from earlier slithered up from behind him and up to rest at the woman's feet.

    "My Dunsparce told me. Don't worry, she's friendly... If a bit odd."

    The Dunsparce nodded in affirmation to both statements.

    "She... did?" said the boy.

    He looked up at the woman in wonder. "You can talk to Pokemon?"

    ~Yep. Like this.~

    The boy jumped, looked at the woman in bewilderment, then looked around wildly. That was her voice, but her mouth hadn't moved at all, where-

    ~Kid, it's me. I'm talking to you with my head, it's called telepathy.~

    The boy looked up at her again, eyes widening. "You.. You..."

    The woman gave a small smile. "Kid, you aren't the only one out there with 'magic powers'."

    The boy grinned, and bounced up and down excitedly. "You have powers like I do! And you're big and strong and that means I'm not a freak! Like, I can do the talaplethy thing too!"

    He closed his eyes and scrunched his face in. ~Se... wh... mea...~

    He stopped, opened his eyes, panted profusely, then looked up at the woman with a nervous chuckle and grin. "I-I'm still working on it, miss..."

    The woman raised an eyebrow. "...I can tell."

    The Dunsparce gave a "sparce" and a snicker-like hiss before the woman nudged her with her boot.

    "But wait, you've got better powers than I do," said the boy, "and you've got that really nice outfit..."

    His eyes lit up. "You're a wizard!"

    The woman blinked. "I'm a what?"

    She blinked and sighed with a hand to her head again as what the boy said more fully clicked. "Kid, no no no, not really, I'm an Aura Guardian. A group of people with powers like us. This outfit - the hat, the coat, the boots the staff the cape - that's our uniform.

    She gestured to her "coat".

    "...Well on my end, I had to convince them to make the cape an extension of my coat since it suited my fighting style better..."

    "You fight evildoers?!" said the boy, jumping up and down in excitement.

    "Wha-"

    The woman shook her head. "When we need to yes, whenever they threaten the peace of civilians or those on the Auri-"

    She threw her hands up in the air and groaned.

    "Kid, I'd already been on patrol duty long enough both time and distance-wise before I found you. I can answer all your little questions later. Right now I've got a question for you - where the hell are your parents?"

    The boy blinked, then shuffled a bit. "Me and my mom live further in the village. I used to have a dad but..."

    He shook his head. "You can still see my mom, though! Follow me!"

    He started running off. The woman headed after, her Dunsparce slithering and fluttering after.

    ------

    A different woman with blue hair and blue eyes like the boy's was tending to her house when she heard a knocking at her door.

    She opened it to see said boy and the blonde woman standing before her.

    "Ma'am?" said the latter, clenching her right fist and crossing it over her chest. "Poly Pteryx of the Genesis Mountain Aura Guardians. I'm here about your son's... condition."

    The boy's mother gave a small gasp but moved to let Polly and her own son in, giving a small yelp as the Dunsparce slithered in after then rushing over to her son and hugging him.

    "Dear, are you OK?! Did something happen?!"

    "Yeah Mom, the bullies went after me again, but I scared them off and then this lady and her Dunsparce came to help!"

    "Oh, ma'am, I can't thank you enough!"

    Polly nodded. "You're welcome. But your son's power is still something to be discussed."

    "...Go on?"

    "Well, let him have a say first. Kid, how'd you scare those bullies off?"

    The boy thought for a second. "Well, they were chasing me and throwing things at me and yelling mean names, but I got scared and something in my chest started moving and I screamed so loud it exploded and it scared them away!"

    The boy's mother blinked. Polly nodded.

    "That sounds about what my Dunsparce told me probably happened. She can pick up a lot by scent and vibrations."

    Her Dunsparce gave a hiss and "Dun!" of gratitude.

    Polly turned to the boy's mother. "Your boy has one hell of an Auric Scream."

    His mother blinked. "Auric what?"

    Polly sighed. "Your son has power over the force known as Aura that flows through every living thing. All Pokemon can tap into it to some extent, but only a rare few humans, like your son..."

    She rolled up her sleeve to let a pink, scythelike blade of energy extend from a slit in the middle of her glove around her ulna.

    "...And me."

    The boy, enraptured, moved a bit closer to the blade. Polly quickly noticed and dissipated it.

    "Careful, kid, that thing's sharp. I'm on the quadrant with powers closest to a Psychic-type Pokemon, that thing's basically my equivalent of a Psycho Cut."

    The boy shifted again. "Sorry, ma'am..."

    He immediately perked up. "Wait, what does that mean I have? Dragon type powers? Steel type powers?"

    Polly frowned slightly. "Sorry kid, they sadly aren't quite that varied in us humans. Tell you what, if you want to find out, why don't you try making something with your powers like I did?"

    The boy beamed, and cupped his hands, only to notice all three of his mother, Polly, and Polly's Dunsparce moving back noticeably.

    "...Why are you all doing that?"

    "I-It's so we have a good view, sweetie!" said his mother.

    ~Nice save,~ said Polly to her telepathically.

    D-Don't get in my head like that!

    ~You're welcome.~

    The boy concentrated, grit his teeth as a ball of blue-green energy formed between his hands and grew larger and larger until-

    It exploded. The house rattled, the mother flinched and yelped as a pot fell off a table and shattered right next to her. The boy was blown back, knocked to the floor and lay there breathing heavily a while before muttering:

    "...I'm OK..."

    "Well," said Polly. "There we have it."

    She turned to the boy's mother again.

    "Your son has the most potential with the brand of Aura closest to that of Fighting types I've ever seen in someone his age; that would've been a damn good approximation of a Focus Blast if he'd managed to fully charge it."

    She looked back to the boy and furrowed her brow.

    "...The bad news is he also has the least refined powers of anyone on that part of the power spectrum I've ever seen."

    The boy's mother blinked. "And that means...?"

    "We can train him."

    "...What?"

    "The Aura Guardians seek to hone the potential of everyone with the power of the Wave to live their lives to the fullest. That includes your son."

    "I..."

    The boy's mother paused. "I... I'm not sure what to do... After we lost Issac..."

    "Mom... I... I want to."

    The boy's mother turned to see him getting to his feet.

    "If they're gonna accept my powers... Make me stronger... I want them to help me.

    His mother stared, then nodded and smiled.

    Polly smiled as well. "Good; we'll get you up to the monastery in a few months."

    Her brow furrowed again.

    "Though... Geez, sorry it slipped my mind until now, but what's your name, kid?"

    The boy smiled softly.

    "It's Aaron!"

    ------------

    The forest was dim at sunset; the Pidgey and Starly were retreating to their roosts as the Hoothoot and Murkrow were emerging from theirs. Amid it all, however, in a small clearing, one avian Pokemon stayed groundbound and vigilant - A Blaziken with an X-shaped scar on his forehead watching over a small, blue-and-black egg nestled in a shallow burrow.

    The Blaziken raised his haunches as he sensed something approaching, but relaxed upon his sharp eyes seeing it was a familiar female Lucario and gave a beaky smile.

    "...Hey honey. It's not your turn yet."

    "I know, Ginji," said the female Lucario, "I just wanted to check in."

    "Well, I think it's doing all right... I don't have Flame Body or Magma Armor or anything, but I'm keeping it warm."

    He stood up and looked at her, rubbing the back of his head.

    "Though, could you use those Aura powers of yours to check? Mine are only good for ol' punches and kicks and such..."

    She nodded, her eyes closing and the feelers on the back of her head raising as she focused on the egg. She suddenly opened her eyes and gasped.

    "It's close! Very close! It could hatch any-"

    "Hey!" said a third voice, "Sis, you're supposed to be on hunting du-"

    The source of the voice, a second, male Lucario, entered the clearing and sneered at Ginji.

    "Why are you with him right now?"

    She scowled back. "He's my mate. Our egg is about to hatch."

    The male Lucario rolled his eyes. "Right. Tell that hybrid thing when it hatches it's no more a real part of our pack than his wingless chicken-eagle of a fa-"

    He was cut off mid sentence by said chicken-eagle standing right in front of him, looming over him and giving his own scowl.

    "Okay, listen, buddy," said Ginji. "You nepotist canines can literally dogshit on me anytime you want normally, but me and my mate are having an important moment here. So fuck off, unless you want all that Taurosshit about me being a threat to the pack to not be such Taurosshit for you specifically."

    The second Lucario backed away, stooped with raised haunches, and gave a defiant snarl before dashing off.

    "G-Ginji..." said the female. "He's going to tell the others about this..."

    "Eh, they always come up with something, this makes zilch difference," he said. "Let's just focus on-"

    Suddenly, they heard a loud cracking. The two rushed over just in time for the egg to fall apart and reveal a small, undeveloped and yipping Riolu pup, its eyes closed.

    "They made it!" said the female Lucario. "We did it!"

    "Heh, we did! Now let's check on the little fella more closely..."

    He scooped up the yipping pup in his foretalons and held him up to inspect his hindquarters.

    "It looks like a male. We might find out otherwise later, but for now he's our little boy."

    The female Lucario smiled and looked up to Ginji. "Will he have a human name like yours?"

    "I'm debating it. Might be a good idea, might not be."

    The Riolu pup snuggled up to Ginji's chest as he gave another beaky smile.

    "For now, I don't care what the rest of this pack says. This little guy's going places."

    ***

    And there we have it, a story I am very glad to finally get out there. For now updates are gonna be... monthly to bimonthly-ish, alternating with Rude Awakening until that's completed, allowing me to devote to this story completely on the chapterfic front.

    ...

    This feels so hecking good.
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2018
  2. Negrek

    Negrek Lost but Seeking

    Welcome back! It's awesome to see you posting around here again, and also posting a project you've been hoping to get rolling for so long.

    And this is an interesting start! I spent a while going back and forth on whether I thought the protagonist here was Aaron (I knew this story involved canon characters, although I wasn't sure to what extent. I wouldn't have thought of him coming from a poor background, given his place at the court and everything, but there isn't actually anything that says he had to be born into nobility to end up as an aura guardian.

    Some quick notes as I go along.

    I'm curious what attack he used here, if it was an official attack at all. Roar? I don't generally think of roar being glow-y... The colors make me think dragon pulse, but although lucario learns that it's certainly not a fighting-type ability!

    This is redundant in a way that sounds oddly formal. Just "approaching" already implies that she's coming towards/closer to him, and tacking on "his location" almost sounds like military parlance or something.

    It seems kinda weird that he wouldn't notice the bigass staff immediately.

    And you are rather fond of the one-two sentence paragraphs. I think it would read a bit less choppy if you combined some of them. For example:

    Is there any reason this is three paragraphs instead of one?

    I'm not clear on why she broke off in the middle of a word there. If you don't want us to have that info right now, why not just have her say she's too tired to answer his questions, rather than having her start and break off in the middle?

    You DEFINITELY meant something other than "fondling."

    The word you're looking for throughout this chapter is "hackle," not "haunch," although I don't know that it makes a lot of sense for bipedal animals to do the whole raised-hackle thing: that's hair/feathers on their spine rising up, which you wouldn't really be able to see from the front. Maybe think of a different way for these sorts of pokémon to express their emotions--a bird like blaziken would probably be more likely to emote with its crest-feathers, for example.

    I thought it was a neat detail that riolu hatches with its eyes closed, though, like a real-world puppy. Common for all canine pokémon, or just a riolu line thing, if perhaps they can use aura senses until their

    I found Lucario's brother showing up just to be a jerk at her kind of gratuitous. Usually social exclusion is a little more subtle than someone stopping by to literally call your child a freak and go on about how no one likes you, and he basically has no role but to show up, spout a couple villain-lines, and then dash off again.

    Interesting that Lucario asks about giving Riolu a human name. I've encountered some PMD 'fics with "nickname vs species name" things going on, where a human name means something special, but I don't think I've seen it outside that context. I'm curious to find out what's going on there, why having a human name could be a good idea, or not.

    One thing that threw me a bit is how modern all the characters sounded for having lived a thousand years ago. I'm not saying they should all be talking in ye olde style, but a lot of the vocabulary and sentence structure is very modern. The thing with calling Aaron "Kid," for example, or expressions like "evildoer," "geez," "buddy," etc. And overall the way Poly interacts with Aaron reads more like an older sibling talking to a younge one than someone who's way higher in rank--even someone casual who's way higher in rank--talking to someone they've never met. Like I said, you don't need to go full-on medieval up in here, but it would be nice for the story to feel a little more like it's taking place a thousand years ago. Other than the existence of aura guardians, you could have said this was set in modern-day Kanto or something and I wouldn't have batted an eye.

    You do a lot with a little space in this chapter: we get to meet both (I'm assuming) main characters and get briefed on their situations, we meet Poly, who I'm guessing will be a major character here, and we get a sense of where the story is going with Aaron in particular. My impression is there's going to be a lot of stuff going on in this fanfic, and it's great to see you getting straight into it with the first chapter.

    I'm also interested by the fact that we might get some pokémon-centric stuff in here, considering what we've seen to do with Riolu's family. Presumably Riolu's going to end up as something of an outcast, like Aaron, and they might end up bonding over that. But what exactly is the lucario tribe like? And how is Riolu ever going to end up coming into contact with Aaron? One way or another I'm looking forward to seeing that happen; I'm guessing their relationship is one of the things you're most looking forward to writing about, and I know that friendships are kind of your specialty!

    Also, I must take a moment to appreciate the dunsparce in this story. Dunsparce are great, and this one looks like a fun character!
     
  3. Umbramatic

    Umbramatic The Ghost Lord

    really really really late review reply!

    Hehe, thanks! The comeback's been slower than expected due to distractions and writer's block but I'm glad to keep working on it.

    Yeah, I'm going with that being earned with how I interpreted the Aura Guardians but you'll see more of that in subsequent chapters

    It is indeed not an official attack; think a Fighting-type version of Hyper Voice.


    Whoops, will tone that down.

    ...This is true, will keep that in mind.

    Ditto. I tend to do that a lot instinctively.

    Excellent point.


    Ack ack ack, fixed.

    True. I should probably focus on more visible displays of emotion, yeah.

    It's common with mammalian Pokemon in the Yangverse!

    I coulda been more subtle with that, yeah...

    There is indeed some important subtext there and you will find out next chapter!

    This is admittedly something I do a lot; apply a Translation Convention to not only the language but the style of speech of characters in ancient times to avoid the "ye olde" bullcrap. Ican pronbably afford to tone it down though.

    I was kinda subconsciously going for this so it's good to hear!

    I will say I'm planning on touching on all of that! And they are? Huh. :p

    Writing this review reply months later I am still incredibly, incredibly tickled and pleased that you consider that a high point, as Dunsparce are kind of a running gag with some of my other friends. Snakebees for the win~

    Anyway there have been Delays due to horrible, horrible writer's block on my other chapterfic, but I'm dropping Chapter 2 of this thing soon. See you then!
     
  4. DreamSayer

    DreamSayer Dreamzone Trainer

    I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't intrigued by your take on the whole Aura Guardians concept. I'm sure there's nothing I can say here that wouldn't have been said a lot better by Negrek, but anyway, let's get to the good things about this.

    For one, the characters appear to be endearing enough to get me a bit invested. We have Aaron who's the kid with untapped potential, and I can't wait to see how you develop his character.

    If I have any criticisms, it's that the chapter seems to go by too fast. We could've spent more time learning about Aaron and seen more interactions with him. Right now, the whole bullied kid introduction feels generic and you could've subverted it in some way. It's honestly not too big of an issue, but I can see it hurting your story in the long run. After all, if the first chapter leaves only a so so impression on the reader, they won't exactly be thrilled to continue.

    Anyway, I hope to see how you improve and polish this story of yours. Until then, keep writing. :)
     
  5. Umbramatic

    Umbramatic The Ghost Lord

    Aaaah, thank you! I think people are liking how I write Aaron, which is a good sign.

    I guess I could have slowed down a little, yeah... and it's not the first time I've had someone complain about that intro. I guess I should have had Aaron practicing by himself before Polly came along... when I revise this story down the line I'll probably change it to that. But thank you again for the review!

    Anyway here's Chapter 2! It's alas also a bit scrawnier than it could be because I had writers block trying to update Rude Awakening first and decided to get this out of the way, but I hope you enjoy what's there.


    Chapter 2: Initiation


    The cart rattled and shook, and Aaron braced himself. He took a deep breath, and looked around at the other children, about as nervous and confused as he was. He was about to ask where exactly they were going, but got the feeling from more than just his Aura senses that most of the others didn't know either. What he could tell was that many came from far from his home, and far from theirs as well.


    And then the Rapidash pulling the cart finally stopped. The kids quickly but nervously filed out. Aaron was last, and gazed up at where they had arrived.


    Before them was a huge stone monastery, built into the mountain. Its spires and columns loomed over Aaron and made him feel small - not that that was a foreign feeling. He cowered slightly as they were led inside, through winding hallways, and finally into a courtyard, where the woman who had recruited him stood. Once all the children had gathered there she paced stoically before them.


    "Before you kids all crawl off to your barracks and attempt to get comfy," said Polly, "I've been put in charge of giving you a rundown of what you're here for, so sit your asses tight until I'm done!"


    Aaron gulped.


    "She said a bad word..." whispered one of the children.


    "So," said Polly. "Can any of you brats tell me what Aura is?"


    A child raised their hand. "It's a kind of life force, right?"


    "Correct," said Polly. "All living beings have it in some form, and in particular in combination with other forces it's what gives Pokemon their powers! Their individual Auras express themselves in tandem with the Pokemon's biology to give them their typings and attacks."


    She held up her palm and conjured a pink orb. "But sometimes, certain humans, like me and all of you, can tap into those same forces. The only known ways they crop up correspond loosely to the powers of certain Fighting, Ghost, Psychic, and Dark types. Now can anyone tell me what the terms for these powers in humans are?"


    Another child raised their hand. "Aura, Psychokinesis, and the two kinds of Obscura, right?"


    "Correct," said Polly. "Aura is just called Aura because among most people it's thought to be the only "real" kind of Auric power. Any actual Aura Guardian or even hedge Auric knows that's bullshit."


    She sighed. "Of course, we're here to educate you. But that's not all we're doing."


    She brandished her staff. "We're Aura Guardians, who use our powers to defend the weak and innocent! Granted, we can't really go it alone..."


    She tapped the staff on the ground. A sphere of light emerged from the crystal at its tip, growing and stretching to congeal as a Metagross. The children gasped, murmuring among each oter as the Metagross looked them over.


    "This is Metagross, one of my Pokemon partners. Your powers alone won't be able to get out of every scrape. For the rest, you have your Pokemon. And they're especially helpful early on because... Hmm, well, I'll need someone to demonstrate."


    She suddenly pointed to Aaron. "You, kid! Come up here, will you?"


    Aaron froze in place. All the other children locked eyes with him. Slowly, surely, he forced his legs upward and forward until he reached the front.


    "Now hit me," said Polly.


    Aaron blinked. "H-Hit you?"


    "Yes, hit me. With your powers, preferably."


    Aaron hesitated, then yelled and rushed Polly, hands glowing. Polly immediately sidestepped, knocked Aaron over with the butt of her staff, then pinned him to the ground telekinetically. The Metagross observed the prone Aaron, seemingly impassive as he gave short, shocked gasps of breath.


    "And that is why you brats need training! This is why you need partners!" said Polly. "Sure you could make it on your own if you got lucky, but as you are?"


    She jammed the butt of her staff onto Aaron's throat.


    "You'd be dead the moment you cross any human or Pokemon enough, powers or no."


    The children fell into stunned silence. Aaron didn't dare move. The Metagross kept watching.


    "Anyway, that is your first lesson," said Polly, removing the staff from Aaron's throat. "Go find Vince and he'll show you to your dormorotories."


    She walked off. The children silently shuffled away. Aaron remained where he was a long while before realizing his invisible restraints were gone and sitting up.


    It was then he noticed the Metagross was still staring at him.


    "Uh... Hi?"


    He almost jumped to his feet upon hearing the voice of a reply in his head.


    ~Hey. Are you OK, kid?~


    "Uh, y-yeah, I'm OK... Wait, you can talk? But you're a Pokemon!"


    ~All Pokemon can talk. Just only some of them in a way most humans can understand.~


    "Woah, that's so cool!" said Aaron, eyes sparkling. He paused, then looked in the direction Polly went. "Why was Polly so mean to me? She was nice before..."


    ~Polly's like that. I've known her since she was a child.~


    "Really? You gotta tell me more!"


    ~Not right now, kid,~ said Metagross, starting to trudge off. ~I have things to do.~


    "Wait! But there's so much I wanna know!"


    ~Due time, rookie, due time.~


    And Metagross walked away. Aaron paused, sighed, then scurried off after the others.


    ---------------


    In the forest, the trees swayed, the branches shook. On a clearing the Riolu stood with his father.


    "Alright, then!" said Ginji. "Today I'm going to teach you some important things, things the rest of the pack would rather I not."


    The Riolu shuffled nervously. "What, Dad?"


    Ginji made a dramatic flourish with his claws.


    "About humans!"


    Riolu blinked. "What are those?"


    Ginji shrugged. "On the immediately visible end, not much. Weird two-legged apes that aren't even Pokemon and only rarely even know any attacks of like... Four types. Some more cynical Pokemon say Arceus messed up some perfectly good monkey mons."


    Riolu tilted his head. "Then why do I have to learn about them, Dad?"


    "Because despite all that, they're special! They create things and ideas it takes ages for most Pokemon to figure out! They're masters of tactical thinking! And most importantly of all we Pokemon made a special promise to them! One of friendship!"


    "A... Promise?"


    Ginji grabbed a stick and started drawing in the dirt. "Long ago, humans first came to this world, and they and Pokemon were divided. Then one day, in the Sinnoh region, there was a great meeting! One where humans and Pokemon came to terms, and decided to help and not hurt one another."


    By now he had drawn a circle in the dirt.


    "This agreement was known as The Vow; a promise to work toward humans and Pokemon being stronger together than apart."


    He drew a line through the circle, then a smaller circle in the center.


    "Wow..." said Riolu.


    He then noticed the top half of the bigger circle was somehow red.


    "...Dad? How did you get color with a stick?"


    Ginji winked. "I learned it from my old Trainer."


    "Trainer?"


    "That's part of the Vow, son. Human Trainers use their quick wits to coach teams of Pokemon in sporting battles and other activities! It's really fun!"


    "Wow!" said Riolu.


    He frowned. "Why don't you have a Trainer anymore?"


    Ginji looked at him for a minute, then sighed.


    "The Vow's not perfect, son. My old Trainer, he... He died trying to protect me from another Pokemon."


    "Oh..." said Riolu.


    He paused, then cautiously went up and hugged his dad's leg. "I'm sorry, Dad..."


    Ginji smiled. "Heh, thanks, son. Now come on, we've got to go do hunting and battle practice with your mom."


    "Okay dad!"


    And they headed off.


    ***

    Well, that's that for now. I'll hopefully get a meatier update once I finally friggin update Rude Awakening. See you then!
     
  6. Marika_CZ

    Marika_CZ Well-Known Member

    Hello! I am here with your MMM prize. I've read Prologue and Ch1 and it is time for a review.

    My usual disclaimer when I am reviewing first chapters as opposed to entire act/arc or the whole fic: Please take it with a pinch of salt. Obviously your story is just beginning so a lot of my points will be guesses and assumptions (which you can potentially subvert in following chapters - or there may be justifications later on etc.)

    I have mixed feelings on your Prologue. It feels like that could have been replaced by short Author's note (basically it says "Romance" and "OC but AU") to make the intoduction more convenient, on the other hand I like you are trying to be creative here. I suppose it is Aaron or Riolu/Lucario? Or is that a different character? In Ch1, you switch to third person perspective so it is hard to tell. I wonder if there is a reason for this, or if you simply wanted to directly address the audience to make them hooked by involving them immediately?

    Then we go to Ch1. It is split in two parts, each introducing (from what I quickly looked up on bulbapedia because I have long stopped following animé continuity) the main characters and future partners. We don't learn too much about that tbh, but it is just Ch1 so it is fine. You kick off the plot at least right there - the boy has powers and an organisation who is familiar with those took notice. It happens pretty fast tbh (especially if you plan on long chapterfic). It is kinda related to my other point - we get to meet Aaron and Polly, but we barely got to know them. We get to see their powers, looks and clothing, but not much of their personalities (which would be more interesting to me).
    So what is Aaron's dream besides joining Aura Guardians? What is his opinion on his current life? Does he have any friends (or just enemies and bullies)? Does he have any plan on leaving the village/town, or is he stuck and meeting Polly was a miracle to get him out?

    If you are planning on long chapter fic I would advise to spread things out. You could have the first day end up without meeting Polly. Explore aftermath of being bullied and discovering some scary new powers. Allow us to see what is going on inside Aaron's head when he tries to get in terms with this reality. He could meet Polly later, when tries controling his powers again (maybe in next chapter). Same for Polly; it would be nice if I could see what is she like and what is her normal day looks like before she notices "Auric scream" (or until her Dusparce reports to her about it) and goes to investigate, meeting Aaron in the process.

    On the other hand, maybe you plan to do that later when they actually spend some time together (I assume) in the monastery that Aaron seems to be heading for.

    In the second part of Ch1 the other protagonist is born. Here you did better job with introducing the characters. We cna easily tell from the dialogue and reactions what is going on, and what are these Pokemon like. Apparently hero's mother is part of a pack/clan that doesnt appreciate other species; the father of Riolu is very protective of his new family and so is the mother. The mother's sibling is resentful of their relationship, foreshadowing future conflict or long term rivalry (and I suspect our lil' Riolu can become an orphan if things escalate from here... that would explain teaming up with Aaron later on).

    Things are definitely looking promising enough for a grand adventure with some usual supernatural elements :)

    Oh I also had a couple of nitpicks, but negrek already mentioned strangely modern way of talking. That is not neccsarily a bid deal, depending on what comes next (is the entire story going to happen in the past -not likely given the first sentence in ch1-, is there going to be a time skip after a certain event? Or is this just Act 1 which will be followed up by modern day setting?).
    My point being, if your story is split between 1,000 years in the past and the present, people and Pokemon speaking the same will be a bit jarring (if the entire story took place in the past however, I am willing to label it "Acceptable break from reality" because it will be still better than randomly attempting Ye Olde Butcherade Englishe) - so it depends.

    I hope this was useful; I would like to finish with a promise to read the rest of it, but I am not sure anymore if I will be able to keep such promise (already following quite a few fics and reviewing all of them on regular basis).
    At any rate, good luck and have fun writing your story! Thanks for sharing it with us ;)
     
  7. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner *aromatisse noise*

    Okay, first of all. Hissing dunsparce is a freaking adorable image, one I never knew I needed in my life this much up until now. So cute!

    I can all too easily imagine would've happened if Aaron had touched that psycho cut thingy. And his mom would've witnessed it. Yeah, good thing Polly put that away in a timely manner. Also yeah, judging by what I saw, I'd say focus blast practice is best done outdoors (or at least in a spacious place) from that point forward. :p

    I wonder what Aaron's glowing hands attack most closely corresponds to, meanwhile. (Drain punch, maybe?) At any rate, I have to wonder how much it would've actually accomplished if it'd been allowed to connect. I mean yeah, he is but a wee guardian-in-training at the moment, but he can still make explosions of sorts.

    Anyway yeah! Aaron fic. :D #8 was one of my favorite Pokémon movies, so I'm interested to see how this unfolds, especially since this is AU. Always neat to see what kind of consequences adding or subtracting something to the mix--in this case, the presence of several characters--can have on the outcome. Enjoying the backstory so far, too. :D
     
  8. Umbramatic

    Umbramatic The Ghost Lord

    Thanks for the MMM prize!

    First off I should probably clarify this story is about friendshipping, not romance. If you somehow want actual romantic relations between Sir Aaron and his Lucario this is not the place for it, lol.

    I do see where you're coming from with the prolouge being a bit dense. I wanted to give it a bit more in-character flavor, but I can see where that might backfire. Also the aforementioned confusion about romance.

    I also see where you're coming from on kinda... rushing some of the earlier scenes given this is a longer chapterfic. I am planning on slowing down as updates get hopefully more frequent and I do have a plan and outline for how this fic is going to go down. I'm glad you thought the Riolu bit is better in that regard though!

    And it's fine if you can't make time to actively follow this story. Events like MMM tend to lead to reviewing more than you can follow at once lol. Glad you mostly enjoyed what you did read though!

    I am very glad the Dunsparce shenanigans continue to appeal to people. And yes if Polly had actually Psycho Cut Aaron it would have been ugly. Good thing she wasn't actively aiming to kill. :V

    As for Aaron's techniques... The first one in the house was a Focus Blast, the second when he was rushing Polly was probably a Force Palm. He's not too good at doing specific attacks due to not knowing this Aura stuff well.

    I appreciate the premise has gotten you interested! I'll definitely be trying to do intresting things with it.

    Anyway I'm finally making progress on Rude Awakening Chapter 7, so the next chapter of this should be up shortly after.
     
    Marika_CZ likes this.

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