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Hero's Bond [PG 13]

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Its alright. I do not like the way the relationship developed. it seemed a bit rushed and immature. I know theya are only 14 but unless you plan on breaking them up in this fic then it seems like and unrealistic start to a long term thing.
No. I never planned for it to be long term. It's just two fourteen year olds exploring interests.

The battle was okay. I dont get why hoo- hoot is flying when its never been shown to be able to fly before. Another thing is you have pidgey being hit from below and then being forced to the ground. I just don't pictre flying pokemon being manipulated by hits in that fashion.
Hoothoot is a Normal/Flying type Pokemon. It can fly and has been shown flying. As for Pidgey, I applied simple physics. It was hit from below, surprised, and then couldn't keep airborne, therefore Pidgey meets floor.

I will say though that the whole evil mom thing is intresting.
It was a plot point I tried to explore in a previous fan fiction, but that fan fiction was never completed and I never got to end that subplot so I'm going to try again and hopefully this time will get to complete it.
 

Canto

Well-Known Member
I guess I have a little catching up to do. *cracks knuckles* Let's git 'er done.

Chapter 6:

“Do you know why the lights are orange?” Jayden asked Kaylie, attempting to break the silence naturally.

“No, but I’m guessing you do,” she replied giggling.

“It’s becau-” Before Jayden could finish Kaylie had wrapped his arm around her, her head leaning on his chest. Instantly he began to blush, not sure of what to do.

“Continue,” she said smiling at him.

“I-it’s because they have s-sodium in t-them,” he stammered, looking away. “Oh look a park. We should go and sit.”
Haha! That was funny. I guess that's where the realization started huh?

“Can I ask you something?” Kaylie asked.

“Sure,” Jayden replied, still not looking at her.

“What’s it like to have parents?”
Did anyone else hear that shattering sound? Cause that was my heart breaking. Just kidding, but that was kinda sad.

A shocked expression took over Jayden’s face. It was as if she had been reading his mind. She looked up at him with a smile, a tear forming in her eye. Quickly, Jayden wiped it away, placing his hand on her cheek. For some reason he felt that only she understood him and in that moment a feeling exploded inside of him that he never knew was there. Looking into her eyes he could tell that she was experiencing something similar.

“Kaylie…that other night when you told me you liked me…Did you mean?”

“Yes…I don’t know where it came from, but…”

Before she could speak another word Jayden pressed his lips against hers. When their lips touched all of Jayden’s worries vanished. All the doubts he had about a career were gone. A light feeling in his stomach became so great he thought he would float away. Jayden could feel that he was extremely red, but he didn’t care. Once they broke apart Kaylie had been blushing just as much as he was. Jayden chuckled, stroking her cheek softly.

“Well I like you too,” he admitted.

Kaylie smiled, burying her face into his chest, trying to hide her face from him. He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her even closer. Placing her hand on his chest, another tear slid down her cheek, but not from sadness. This tear fell because the boy she admired from afar for so long fell for her. She was finally happy.
Well, it looks like my freak-out was for nothing. I kinda had a feeling that would happen though. (/liar)

Like Volt Trainer said it does seem like it went a little too fast. But, I'm sure you've got something up your sleeve for later.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 7:

“Are you ready for this?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Then let’s rock this.”
Does anyone else see an unintentional pun here?

Picking up one of the magazines, Jayden sat back down and began to look through it. Most of the articles had been about Falkner and his Pokémon. On the back there was an ad for a body spray called Sky. In the ad was Falkner, his hair flipping behind him.
Falkner always did seem like an Axe guy to me.

“So…” Jayden started, rubbing the back of his head. “Have a wife, kids?”

“Yeah,” the man answered, “two kids.”

“Good, good.” The boy looked around the elevator, whistling so he could break the silence.

“Is this your first gym battle?” the man asked, coming off just as awkward as Jayden.

“The first of many.”
Haha, I love those awkward moments like that. XD

The battle scene is too long to quote here, but I just wanna say that I really liked it. You probably have some of the best battle descriptions I've seen.

Weedle began to bounce up and down before he suddenly started to glow. The light was blinding, but for some reason Jayden was mesmerized. Weedle began to change shape, morphing into a cocoon like creature. When the light disappeared, in his arms was a large yellow cocoon. Jayden looked into his eyes and could feel the same smile as before. His Weedle evolved into a Kakuna.
For some reason I saw this coming. It feels kinda weird though. It's like, Jayden's probably never seen a Pokémon evolve before, right? So, you would think he would be confused by what was happening, probably freaking out and thinking something was wrong.

Then again, he probably already has some knowledge of evolution, so he knew what was happening.

“Too many moos,” Jayden said to Kaylie. “The Miltank might think you’re talking to them.”

“And what can I get ya Mr. Jokes?” the bar maid asked Jayden.
Ooooh. Buuuurn.

“How goes your mission?” Bianca asked, “Find out anything else?”

“I found out quite a lot,” Hope said, lowering her voice. “I know where Team Lustrous is hiding and who their leader is. It’s a woman by the name of Lillian Sector.”

Once he heard the name, Jayden’s eyes widened, his grip on the glass tightening. Soon the glass cracked from the pressure, milk spilling on the counter. Without thinking he grabbed Hope by the collar. “Where is it?! Tell me now!”

“Whoa, whoa,” Hope said in shock. “What’s it to you?”

“That woman, Lillian Sector, is my mother!”
*dun dun duuuun* Wow. Now that, I did not see coming. Now I'm really interested to see how this turns out.

As always, great job and I'm looking forward to more!

EDIT: This post looked a lot longer while I was typing it. :/
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
This marks the first chapter in the Team Lustrous Arc! This one will have much more action than the first arc. As you can probably tell this arc will center on the mysterious syndicate known as Team Lustrous. Don't forget about the equally mysterious Black Organization. On another note I added character bios to the first post. The spoiler is at the top. Check them out if you want. Now onto the chapter. Enjoy!


Chapter 8: Team Lustrous Revived

“Are you absolutely sure they are in there? You’re completely positive that Lillian Sector is in there?”

“For the millionth time I’m sure. My intelligence told me they have a base in Sprout Tower.”

After shaking down Hope in Miltank’s Café, Jayden told her to show him exactly where Team Lustrous was, where his mother was. He and Kaylie rushed back to the Pokémon Center to pick up their Pokémon. Hope stood outside the building, looking at the tower in the distance behind the Pokémon Center.

“I’ll save you brother,” she whispered.

The sliding doors to the Pokémon Center opened, Jayden stepping out, a serious look on his face. “Let’s go.” Without any more words Jayden began to make his way to the tower.

Something snapped inside him, Kaylie thought, following him with a worried look. What is it about his mom that is making him act this way?

The sun had begun its descent, sinking down behind the mountains. An ominous wind blew over the three as they walked in and out of the crowds, the tower now looming over them. Outside were two men, both in white robes and off white dress shirts. Their pants had been a tan color and their shoes black. Jayden walked to the door, but the men placed their hands on his chest, stopping him.

“Whoa there kid,” one said. “We can’t let you in there.”

“And why is that?” demanded Jayden.

“Hey man, get out of the way!” Hope yelled as she threw a Poké Ball.

From the Poké Ball came a large owl. It was a light brown color, its wings being slightly darker. Atop its head was a large U shaped head crest. When the owl came forth it stared into the eyes of the men, the Pokémon’s eyes glowing blue. The men fell to the ground instantly, asleep.

“Great job Noctowl,” Hope complimented him as he flew by his trainer.

“Mom, are you here?” Jayden asked himself, rushing into the tower.

When the three trainers entered the tower, the wood beneath them squeaked loud. The inside was nearly empty, save for a staircase at the back, statues of a Pokémon that had a vine like body and a large pillar in the middle.

“We’ve got to get to the top,” Hope told them, leading them to the staircase.

“Why the top?” Kaylie asked.

“My intelligence told me that there weren’t too many people here, but they would all be at the top,” she answered.

Jayden stayed silent as they ascended the stairs. The staircase led to a narrow hallway about three feet in width. Light became scarce on the second floor, the only sources being a few torches on the wall. The hallway led to a large room, a giant statue of the same Pokémon in the middle. Two staircases had been in the same spot; at the top left of the room. The trainers ran across the room, the wood squeaking the entire way. Taking the stairs up, they came to another hallway, but light had been emanating from the room ahead. Hope slowed the pace down, carefully approaching the light. Peering into the room, Hope saw seven more people dressed exactly like the men outside. A woman had been talking, giving them what appeared to be steps on what to do now that they were at Sprout Tower.

“…then Gene will give you your Pokémon. They will be weak, but everyone starts somewhere right? Even my Pokémon isn’t fully evolved.”

There’s a woman in here,” Hope whispered back to Jayden and Kaylie. “It appears that she is the leader. Let’s go in and question her.”

All three of them dashed into the room, making a small blockade between the Team Lustrous members and the exit. Startled, all the members turned and looked at the young trainers, not sure of what was going on.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” the woman asked.

“We’ve come to ask you a few questions,” Hope said. Looking back at Jayden she could see the rage slowly building inside and decided she better ask her questions fast. “Where is Lillian Sector?”

“Lillian Sector…” The woman seemed to know her, probing her memory in an attempt to remember who she was exactly. “Do you mean Lillian Sector of Goldenrod City?”

“Yes,” Jayden answered bluntly, not saying anything else.

“Well I heard she had tried to leave Team Lustrous on more than one occasion,” the woman answered. “Thing is, if you’re high up in the syndicate like she was, there is no leaving. She apparently tried to tell the boss that she wanted to start a family. He thought she would give away valuable information so she was snuffed out.”

When the words left the woman’s mouth Jayden’s jaw dropped. Kaylie’s hand instinctively covered her mouth while Hope looked away, knowing what Jayden’s reaction was going to be. A tear built up in his eye, slowly sliding down his cheek before hitting the wood floor.

“You must be her kid,” the woman said with a sigh once she saw the tear. “Listen kid, I’m sorry about your mother, but Team Lustrous just isn’t the type of organization to leave. Not when you’re the second in command.”

Before another tear could roll down his face, Jayden wiped it away, facing the ground. Hope looked over at Jayden, a feeling of sorrow sprouting in her stomach. She turned back to the woman, her sadness now overcome by determination. “Now tell me where Sam is.”

“I’m sorry girly, but there is no one named Sam here,” the woman answered with a smirk.

“You’re lying,” Kaylie said, not thinking about what she said. She quickly clasped her hand to her mouth, wishing she could take it back.

“Maybe I am,” the woman said with a chuckle. “You have no way of proving it. You know, I was going to let you go, but that little crack your friend made has changed my mind. I should just get rid of you here.”

Jayden pulled out a Poké Ball, stepping in front of the girls, but Kaylie and Hope stepped forward too, Poké Balls of their own in hand. The woman from Team Lustrous threw a Poké Ball into the air, releasing a Pokémon that resembled all the statues, the differences being that it had no vine body and it was bell shaped. It was yellow in color while the two leaves it had on the side were green. Jayden sent out Pidgey while Kaylie called on Ledyba. Hope clutched her Poké Ball tightly, not letting go of it.

“If you’re not going to battle then get out of here!” Jayden yelled at Hope.

Hearing him loud and clear, Hope ran down the stairs. The woman motioned for two men to follow her. The men saluted before chasing Hope down the stairs.

“Watch and learn,” the woman told the rest of the Team Lustrous members in the room. “Weepinbell use Acid!”

From Weepinbell’s mouth came a stream of violet liquid, shooting out with great speed. Pidgey and Ledyba both flew around the acid and towards Weepinbell.

“Use Tackle!” Kaylie and Jayden ordered in unison.

Both Pokémon flew to Weepinbell’s sides, planning to squish him between the two. The woman laughed as she made a flicking motion. Weepinbell jumped forward, the two allies colliding into each other. Brushing it off, they chased after Weepinbell again.

“Hit them with Razor Leaf,” the woman said chuckling.

Waving his leaves in the direction of Pidgey and Ledyba, Weepinbell shot off dozens of leaves that were as sharp as knives. Pidgey easily dodged them all while Ledyba was hit in the chest. Falling to the ground, Ledyba pushed herself to her feet.

“Go with Comet Punch!” shouted Kaylie.

Ledyba’s fist began to glow as she flew towards Weepinbell. Throwing a punch, Ledyba barely missed as Weepinbell barely dodged it.

“Now Pidgey!” Jayden yelled. “Use Quick Attack!”

Before Weepinbell could turn around, Pidgey dove straight towards him, tackling him from behind. Weepinbell was pushed over, surprised by the attack. Pidgey came back around, tackling Weepinbell again.

“Weepinbell, get up and use Vine Whip!” the woman yelled, getting frustrated.

The Grass type turned back over and two vines shot out of his sides. Pidgey whacked one away with his wing while Ledyba punched the other. The vines hit the ground and bounced back, faster than before. They wrapped themselves around Ledyba and Pidgey, constricting them. Weepinbell then began to slam them into the ground, letting them go on the third slam.

“Pidgey try a Gust!” Jayden commanded.

Pidgey jumped back into the air, flapping his wings vigorously. The tornado that he created rivaled the one Falkner’s Pidgeotto made. As it traveled towards Weepinbell, the tornado tore the wood on the floor and the ceiling, nearly taking it off completely. Helpless to the attack, Weepinbell was sucked into the middle of the tornado, bouncing around like a pinball.

“Now Tackle!” Kaylie and Jayden shouted in unison.

Both Ledyba and Pidgey flew through the tornado, colliding with Weepinbell, pushing him out and onto the ground. Weepinbell attempted to get back up, but fell shortly after. The woman cursed under her breath as she recalled Weepinbell. Jayden pulled out another Poké Ball, tossing it in the air. From the ball came Kakuna.

“Kakuna, can you still use String Shot?” Jayden asked him. When Kakuna nodded (sort of) his trainer pointed at the members of Team Lustrous. “Tie them up with String Shot and make sure they can’t move a thing.”

Turning to the people in white, Kakuna released the familiar string. It slowly began to build up, bind the Team Lustrous members to each other. The woman tried to break free, but was unable to rip the string. Jayden and Kaylie recalled their Pokémon and ran down the stairs. Once they exited the tower they found the two men who had chased Hope asleep with the two that had been standing guard outside the tower. Hope was sitting on the sidewalk not too far from there tapping her foot.

“Hey,” called Jayden. “You need to contact the police. We have them tied up in there.”

“Wouldn’t that be your job?” Hope asked, standing as they reached her.

“I don’t know where the police station is,” Jayden admitted, crossing his arms.

“I’m really sorry about your mom Jay,” Kaylie said, placing her hand on Jayden’s shoulder.

“Yeah, it must be rough finding that out,” Hope added.

“I’m fine,” Jayden told them, showing a smile. “I was upset at first, but during our battle with that lady I realized that even though my mom isn’t in the physical world she still lives on in me.”

Kaylie smiled at Jayden, happy about his positive view. Hope had a blank stare on her face, shaking her head. “That’s corny dude. Anyway, it’s been real, but I need to go on my way. I’ve got important things to do.”

“Wait.” Jayden grabbed Hope’s arm as she turned to leave. “You’re still going to try and find Sam right?” Hope flinched, a shiver shooting up her spine. “That must mean you’ll be going after Team Lustrous. Let me go with you. I might find something out about my mom.”

Hope turned, sighing at Jayden’s suggestion. “Well I guess it wouldn’t hurt having back up.”

Jayden nodded, his smile returning to his face. He let go of Hope’s arm and turned to Kaylie, placing his hand on his hip. “I guess this is goodbye.”

“What are you talking about?” Kaylie asked, somewhat confused.

“I agreed I would travel with you to Violet City. That was as far as we would go together.”

“Now that I know you’re going after a syndicate like Team Lustrous I can’t leave! Someone has to-”

“Protect me? Thanks but I can take care of myself.”

Kaylie laughed, slapping Jayden in his arm. “I was going to say keep you from driving Hope nuts. I’m going to be with you the entire way.”

“Are you lovers done yet?” Hope groaned from about ten feet away. “Let’s get this show on the road!”

Jayden and Kaylie ran after Hope, following her down the road towards Violet City’s limits.

Jayden looked down, his eyebrows arcing. Team Lustrous…

Hope ran her hand through her hair, stopping at the side of her head. Sam…

Kaylie looked down at the ground, kicking rocks as they went. Brother…

I’m coming for you!
 

Canto

Well-Known Member
Well, this chapter was somewhat short so this probably won't be very long.
Not to say it wasn't good, it was just kinda short. :)

After shaking down Hope in Miltank’s Café, Jayden told her to show him exactly where Team Lustrous was, where his mother was. He and Kaylie rushed back to the Pokémon Center to pick up their Pokémon. Hope stood outside the building, looking at the tower in the distance behind the Pokémon Center.

“I’ll save you brother,” she whispered.
I'm really interested in seeing what happened to her brother. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! *slapped*

A woman had been talking, giving them what appeared to be steps on what to do now that they were at Sprout Tower.

“…then Gene will give you your Pokémon. They will be weak, but everyone starts somewhere right? Even my Pokémon isn’t fully evolved.”
More mysteries. Who is this Gene? Hmm... *rubs chin*

“We’ve come to ask you a few questions,” Hope said. Looking back at Jayden she could see the rage slowly building inside and decided she better ask her questions fast. “Where is Lillian Sector?”

“Lillian Sector…” The woman seemed to know her, probing her memory in an attempt to remember who she was exactly. “Do you mean Lillian Sector of Goldenrod City?”

“Yes,” Jayden answered bluntly, not saying anything else.

“Well I heard she had tried to leave Team Lustrous on more than one occasion,” the woman answered. “Thing is, if you’re high up in the syndicate like she was, there is no leaving. She apparently tried to tell the boss that she wanted to start a family. He thought she would give away valuable information so she was snuffed out.”

When the words left the woman’s mouth Jayden’s jaw dropped. Kaylie’s hand instinctively covered her mouth while Hope looked away, knowing what Jayden’s reaction was going to be. A tear built up in his eye, slowly sliding down his cheek before hitting the wood floor.

“You must be her kid,” the woman said with a sigh once she saw the tear. “Listen kid, I’m sorry about your mother, but Team Lustrous just isn’t the type of organization to leave. Not when you’re the second in command.”
Wow, so not only was his mom second in command to what are more than likely bad guys, but she's also DEAD? That sucks...

“I’m really sorry about your mom Jay,” Kaylie said, placing her hand on Jayden’s shoulder.

“Yeah, it must be rough finding that out,” Hope added.

“I’m fine,” Jayden told them, showing a smile. “I was upset at first, but during our battle with that lady I realized that even though my mom isn’t in the physical world she still lives on in me.”

Kaylie smiled at Jayden, happy about his positive view. Hope had a blank stare on her face, shaking her head. “That’s corny dude."
Bold text = My thoughts exactly.

Jayden looked down, his eyebrows arcing. Team Lustrous…

Hope ran her hand through her hair, stopping at the side of her head. Sam…

Kaylie looked down at the ground, kicking rocks as they went. Brother…

I’m coming for you!
So now we've got two missing brothers? This is getting INTENSE man.

As always, keep it up!
 

Glover

Pain in Rocket side
Since you were kind enough to drop in on Tempest for me, here I am to repay the review! It's only the proper thing to do, after all. I'll skip Chapter 1 since Psychic covered anything and everything I could ever possibly come up with, and move on to Chapter 2. SInce I'm reviewing as I go, I ay vey well comment on things that you resolve in the next chapter. Done that once or twice. Ah, the joys of dual computer screens!

Oh, before I do that, I notice you're putting chapters out on two day rotations. Most things I read discourage that, as it bogs new reviewers down much more quickly and looks intimidating to someone coming into the story. You're way to do things, just passing along what I've heard.

CH2
I must admit, Cyndy is showing more character than Jayden is right now, ad getting more exxpression out of just her little actions than Jayden is getting with dialogue. He's got a little bit, but he gets overpowered too easily by the others in the story, ad they're not all that strong either.

The owl fell to the ground, stunned. Quickly getting back into the air, Hoothoot flew off, a sad look on its face.
Poor Hoothoot, I think it was looking for a friend, instead it got a rock...

A figure jumped out of the bushes to his left, causing him to jump.
Action repetition. I see a lot of people do this. We'll see if you do, but the better word would probably be "startling him".

“Heh, only you would manage something like that. Remember that time you had the one ticket that would win you backstage passes to the Jolteon’s concert, but you gave it away saying you would never win?”

“Don’t remind me! That was a long time ago anyway!”

Kaylie scratched the side of her face. “That was last week…”
Hmm, I've heard that joke before somewhere. I must admit, this kinda feels like trivial trivia, I already understand Jyden is a PKMN world incarnate of Charlie Brown...

Walking the rest of the way with Kaylie made Jayden feel slightly better even if he didn’t come to a full decision about his career yet.
Slight run on there, consider a comma after better. It's not a full partial stop to warrant a semicolon, but it needs a break somewhere.

“Height, about 5’ 10”. Weight, around 120 lbs,” Jayden whispered to himself.
Alright, this is the second fic in 24hours that I've read that uses a trainer sign up sheet as an info dump for height and weight, which means very little to me. Did I miss a memo somewhere? Should I have done something? Should be concerned that I'm only fifteen pounds heavier than a ten year old, and twice his age?

The Pokemon center descriptor felt too mechanical to me, and I'm not sure why Jayden would be able to actually see the infirmay from the front entrace. To each there own, but in almost all cases the medical side is not visible from the hostel side of things.

CH3
Battle scene, pretty good. I'm not a fan of relying on the trainer to dodge, that part should be second nature to Pokemon and animals in general, unless the trainer specifically expresses a strategy to absorb the hit or ake the opponent out.

“Good idea. Cyndaquil dodge it!” Jayden shouted when he saw Ledyba closing in for another Tackle. Cyndaquil jumped over Ledyba, spinning as she descended. “Now hit it with Ember!”

Cyndaquil opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Shocked, Cyndaquil shook it off and tackled Ledyba from behind instead.
I'm agreeing with Typhlosion, this is too mechanical for a real world. if a small creature has a fire on its back naturally, spitting fire should be second nature. Stoking it, fopcusing it into something like Flamethrower or Frieblast I can see, and certainly skill would be needed to pull off Flamewheel or Fire Spin, but simply spitting fire?

“You can stay with me,” a shaky voice said from behind the two.

Both of the teenagers quickly turned around to see an old man smiling. He had no hair on top of his head, but he had a long white beard. His arms were placed behind his back, the long sleeves of his robe covering his hands.
“Once the moon comes out it looks so much better!”
Awkward line.

I always knew she could dance, but who knew she was this good, Jayden thought. As he watched his friend dance his jaw dropped.

Kaylie then moved to the crowd, bouncing in a way. Jayden thought she had finished, but to his terror she grabbed him and pulled him into the center. Kaylie continued dancing as Jayden looked around. Not wanting to seem like a square in front of at least thirty people Jayden began to improvise. His feet made sliding movements outwards while he bent his head from side to side. To his surprise the crowd began to cheer. With a smile Jayden did the only other dance move he knew. He flopped on the ground and began to make a wave motion with his body.
Careful, you're getting dangerously close to shacking up the main characters, and that's a very quick way to kill a show or sotry. Just ask Cable Television...

“Well, I’ll make it a priority to find you if I pass through,” Kaylie said with a smile. “Tonight was really fun.”
Need a comma after Well there.

“So then what happened?”

“I punched Marshall in his face and told him that I didn’t want to go with him. You thought he would have caught on when I told him I didn’t want to the first six times.”
This is a really odd intro, and it's int eh middle fo the chapter. Stopp trying to hook, you fdon't need to hook a reader in the middle of the chapter, you've already got them.

“You know I thought you hated me,” Kaylie admitted. “It seemed like you always ignored me.”
Also a comma after know.

Persoanl taste, but Lethal P is a large prtion of the dissapointment in my generation. It's cool you're including more culture in your story though.

Would t be wrong of me though to say that it feels kinda prolonged and draggy?

Taking a break, I'll be back with CH4
 

fixthe_fernback

I am a fic-man
With chapter eight the plot progresses!
Good work and I'm curious in seeing what happens with Jayden and Co. in the next chapter.
 

Glover

Pain in Rocket side
And as the prophecys fortold, I have returned!

Or sonething like that. Sorry I'm piecemealing through this story and not soing it in one post. But hey, every reply is a bump to youur story, whihc means more people see it and hopefully more people click on it, read, review, etc.

CH 4 (review)

they ran into a wild Pokémon named Weedle
Deep breath, relax. This is fan fiction, be loose. "Wild Weedle" is fine. if the reader doesn't know that a Weedle is a Pokemon, you shouldn't need to tell him. Unless this is a Mystery Dungeon story, or he's got a little red and white sticker that says "Hello, my nsme is... Weedle", saying "Named Weedle" is just odd. For all we know, his name is Friedrich.

A Poké Ball sailed through the air, hitting a worm like creature right below the giant needle on its head. The Pokémon soon changed from its yellow like color to red, being sucked into the ball. The ball clasped shut once all the energy had been sucked into it. Falling to the ground, the ball shook three times, a red light beeping in the middle. After three shakes the red light flashed once more before a loud PING! sounded.
Forgoing a comment on your intro to this chapter and the disjointed timing, I'd like to encourage the use of pronouns in lieu of "The Ball this, the Ball that."

“It looks like they’re about to battle,” Kaylie observed. The two kids pulled out Poké Balls, enlarging them. “They are about to battle! Let’s go over and watch!”
Keep natural speaking in mind. 95% of people will say "Looks like they're about to battle. They are! Let's go over and watch!". A large percentage of them will even omit the ""over and" for the simpler and quicker "Let's go watch!". You don't need the stage direction of "over there", it's implied by Kaylie's sudden encoragement, and you don't need to repeat what it is thay're about to do in the nxt sentence. It's not formal, but then this also isn't Jolly Ol' England.

“Go Pidgey,” one of them, a girl, shouted as they threw their Poké Ball.
Becaause you are specifically quoting the girl, even though they are both drawing their Pokeballs, the spotlight is on her, and therefor plurality should match her, not the group. Thus "shouted as she threw her Poke' Ball". And if you'd really prefer it the other way, then you'd still need an s on the end of Pokeball, as each trainer has one=2

“It looks like they’re about to battle,” Kaylie observed. The two kids pulled out Poké Balls, enlarging them. “They are about to battle! Let’s go over and watch!”
This is probably me being anal, but to me, the girl has already drawn her Pokeball, so it seems off to be reading her drawing it again. If you combine those sentences, such as "“It looks like they’re about to battle,” Kaylie had observed the two kids pulling out Poké Balls and enlarging them."

That's not an ideal sentence structure either, but if it gets you thinking, then woo.

Also, Kaylie has offically stolen the title to strognest human character. Jayden just feels like what people in the automotive industry refer to as "a speed bump".

Also, there's no mention of Cyndaquil outside the battle. Makes me sad...

Once Kaylie and Jayden reached the battle, the blue Pokémon known as Poliwag shot a stream of water out of its small pink mouth. Pidgey flew higher into the air, easily dodging the water. Poliwag ran under Pidgey, firing another stream of water. Unable to dodge, Pidgey was hit, falling back towards the ground.
Check your word timing. "Once J&K reacehd the battle" implicates that Poliwag waited for them. It didn't, I'm reasonably sure. Something along the lines of "The little blue Pokemon known as Poliwag had shot a srtream of water out of its mouth by the time J&K had reached the battle." might better protray the chronology.

The Flying type began to flap its wings, slowing its descent to the ground. The bird then began to flap its wings at Poliwag, a small tornado surrounding it. The Water type was bounced around the inside of the tornado, small cries of pain eminanting.
The Flying type began to flap its wings, slowing its descent to the ground. The bird then began to flap its wings at Poliwag, a small tornado surrounding it.
Sentences don't have to be so punctual. Let one sentence roll into the next. Here, it read like Pidgey started flapping to stop falling, then stopped flapping, then started flapping at the Poliwag again. "The Small flying type then changed the focus of it's flapping towards it's opponent" for example.

“That was a great battle,” Kaylie said. “Both Poliwag and Pidgey were great.”

“Thanks,” the two said in unison.
This seems a cold introduction to me. Two strrangers show up out of nowhere and all the two battlers say is :thanks"

“I’ve been battling Stephanie in everything since we were little,” the boy said as he recalled Poliwag, placing his Poké Ball in his green jacket. “I just can’t seem to win.”

“Are you two related?” Jayden asked, trying to make a joke.

“…not funny dude,” Stephanie told him. “You wouldn’t believe how many times we get that.”

“To answer your question we are related. We are Stephanie and Phil Thompson,” the boy introduced them.
Again, relax your speech. "To answer you're question" would usually be "Yes, actually." Also, you can do without the "We are", and possibly the "them" at the end, though that's more personal preference.

“Sir, are you sure about this? The world thinks you’re dead.”

“It’s time we continued where we originally started. We’re going back to Johto and nothing will get in my way this time. That bastard Dimitrios…he will not beat me!”

“But sir…”

“If you defy me Doris I will kill you! I let you have control of this syndicate for long enough!”

“Yes sir…”

“Enough of this sir bullsh**! You will refer to me by my name. I am A eolus and I will purify this world. I will be the light that purges any that are not worthy! Inform all the other agents. Team Lustrous has been awakened once more!”
Wo-ho! That's a nice paradigm. Going from "Sweet, sorta loveable" Kaylie and her pet bump-on-a-log to multiple swears is a stark and intriguinging trick. (Please though, don;t do it every chapter...) I must admit that as a personal preference I'm not fond of heavy swaering in the stories (Yes, I know the rating is there, bear with me) but even still, while I understand very clearly that Aeolus is evil, using multiple cursery words like that is a bit of a cop-out way to do it. Let's see him kicking Lilipups or stealing candy from babies, maybe snatching the Oval Stones from Happiny or something. You know, rich, in depth show us the character instead of "Hi, my name is Aeolus. I'm an evil bastard."
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Wo-ho! That's a nice paradigm. Going from "Sweet, sorta loveable" Kaylie and her pet bump-on-a-log to multiple swears is a stark and intriguinging trick. (Please though, don;t do it every chapter...) I must admit that as a personal preference I'm not fond of heavy swaering in the stories (Yes, I know the rating is there, bear with me) but even still, while I understand very clearly that Aeolus is evil, using multiple cursery words like that is a bit of a cop-out way to do it. Let's see him kicking Lilipups or stealing candy from babies, maybe snatching the Oval Stones from Happiny or something. You know, rich, in depth show us the character instead of "Hi, my name is Aeolus. I'm an evil bastard."
Many, many thanks for the reviews and corrections. I'll work on everything for next chapter. As for Aeolus he doesn't possess a filter. He's not so much evil as he is...misguided, for lack of a better word. Chapter 9 should be out either tomorrow or later today. I'll see what I can do.
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Very short chapter today, but it's filled with plot to the brim so I feel that it is the right length. Another huge revelation in this chapter! It's subtly shown, but I'm sure you guys will catch it. You guys are smart. The Team Lustrous arc is starting to pick up steam! Soon it will be at full speed! Don't want to miss it! Now enjoy!

PS. More chapter names have been added. Check those out for ideas of what future chapters will be about! And don't forget to check out the character biographies in the first post!

EDIT: Added Hope's biography! Don't forget to check that out!

Chapter 9: Blinding Light

“Kaylie and I have known each other since we were kids. We weren’t really friends until we got older though.”

“So do you like her?”

“Well, she’s cool and all, but I wouldn’t say I like her!”

“Your red face says you do.”

After a day of travel, Kaylie, Jayden, and Hope had gone south of Violet City, nearing an abandoned town named the Ruins of Alph. Before setting out for the day, Jayden and Hope had decided to converse, learning more about each other. Kaylie, however, was sitting a few yards away, her backpack already on.

“I think we should get going,” suggested Hope, standing as she grabbed her bag.

“You’re right,” Jayden agreed, doing the same. “What’s our next destination?”

“We need to get to Union Cave,” Hope told him. “It should be southeast from here. Once we get there then we can travel through it and come out to Azalea Town. There’s a gym there so you two can challenge it.”

“Great,” Kaylie said loudly.

Storming off, Kaylie said nothing more, not even looking back at the two. Hope and Jayden shrugged their shoulders before following. The route had been drastically different from the last route they took. The trees slowly began to disappear and boulders began to replace them. Even the grass changed from green to a shade of yellow with a grey tinge. One by one the Pokémon diminished before there were none on the route.

“I wonder what’s bothering the Pokémon,” Hope thought aloud. “The Pokémon on this route are usually plentiful, but now there’s none.”

A loud crash greeted the trainers when they reached a small house on the side of the road. The glass from the window shattered outwards, shards flying everywhere. The trio hid behind the side of the house, waiting for whatever broke the window to show itself. A young man of maybe twenty was pushed from the house. The boy wore a brown long-sleeved shirt with brown khaki pants. His medium length brown hair covered his face when he hit the ground. His arms and legs had been bounded with rope, preventing him from catching himself. Behind him came a taller man of about the same age. This taller man wore Team Lustrous robes, but a hood covered his head. His blue eyes seemed to pierce through the brown haired boy as he smirked at him.

“Pick him up,” the Team Lustrous man said as two more people dressed similarly to him came out of the house.

“I swear I’m going to kill you,” the brown haired boy snarled when he was picked up, shaking the hair out of his face. Hope gasped when she saw his face.

“Sam, Sam, Sam,” said the Team Lustrous man, “that’s no way to treat someone who saved your life.”

“Saved?! You didn’t save anyone! You took three years away from him!” Hope shouted, stepping out from behind the house. Jayden attempted to stop her, but the rage inside let her easily shake him off. “You won’t take any time away from him! I will stop you here and now!!”

“Hope!” Sam gasped. “What are you doing?!”

“Oh so this is Hope,” the man said, a little interested. “She’s the one you’ve been babbling about? The one that you need to protect?”

“Leave her alone Alexander!” Sam shouted, trying to break free from the Team Lustrous grunts’ grip.

The man known as Alexander pulled out a Poké Ball, a malicious grin on his face. Hope pulled out her Poké Ball as well, a small bead of sweat trickling down her forehead. Jayden and Kaylie came out from behind the house as well, both of them holding their own Poké Balls.

“You two stay out of this,” Hope said, not taking her eyes off Alexander.

“We can help you,” Jayden told her.

“I don’t need it. I’m going to save my brother on my own!” Hope threw her Poké Ball, Noctowl bursting forth.

“I’ll show you the power of Team Lustrous!” Alexander roared as he threw his Poké Ball.

From Alexander’s Poké Ball came a large dinosaur like creature. Its green hide shined like armor, spikes traveling all the way down its back to the tip of its tail. It let out an intense roar that shook everyone nearby. Kaylie and Jayden looked up at it in fear, their legs shaking. Hope still showed only courage, the Pokémon not intimidating her one bit.

“Show them Air Slash!” Hope shouted.

Noctowl flew high into the air, flapping his wings furiously. The wind began to gather in a ball in front of the Flying type. With all his might, Noctowl knocked the ball of air at Alexander’s Pokémon.

“Tyranitar block it,” Alexander said, laughing a little bit.

As the ball of air approached him, Tyranitar raised his arm. The air ball dispersed immediately, not doing any damage to him at all. Both Noctowl and Hope were shocked. Noctowl began to gather more wind, launching another ball of air at Tyranitar, but it was blocked again. The Owl Pokémon now became frustrated, launching attack after attack at the Rock type. Instead of blocking, Tyranitar roared at Noctowl, dispersing his attack and knocking him off balance. The owl tumbled backwards, trying to regain balance.

“Enough toying around,” Alexander moaned. “Tyranitar, use Stone Edge.”

Stones began to form around Tyranitar, making a small circle. Once they fully formed the stones flew at Noctowl, shooting faster than any of the other trainers could see.

“Dodge them Noctowl!” cried Hope.

Swaying from left to right, Noctowl dodged a few of the stones, but the next volley hit him in the wing. Noctowl fell to the ground, unable to fly. Hope watched in horror as Tyranitar walked up to her Pokémon, standing over the large owl. Tyranitar looked down on him, a disgusted look on his face.

“Now come back Tyranitar,” called Alexander, recalling his Pokémon. “I thank you for letting Tyranitar stretch his legs. He’s been dying to battle.”

Alexander snapped his fingers and the grunts began to drag Sam away. The boy struggled, calling out to his sister, but she couldn’t hear anything. All she could hear was Noctowl’s groans of pain. All she could see was the contorted face of her Pokémon. Hope fell to her knees, tears falling from her eyes.

“…H…Hop…HOPE!”

Suddenly she came back to reality, Jayden holding her shoulders, yelling her name. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out; only tears streamed down her face. Her head hung down in shame as she began to cry, pushing away from Jayden. She started to punch the ground, her sobbing continuing.

“DAMMIT! I WAS SO CLOSE TO HIM!” she yelled through sobs. “THE FIRST TIME IN THREE YEARS AND I CAN’T DO ANYTHING! WHY AM I SO WEAK?!”

Jayden stood over her, his fists clenched. He opened his mouth to say something, but Kaylie placed her hand in front of him. She shook her head, telling him he should stay quiet. Kaylie and Jayden just stood over their new friend as she wept, watching her tears of sorrow splash against the hard ground.

-----------------------------------------------

“You think she even suspects it?”

“Please! You played the part so well I don’t see how she could!”

Thousands of meters away, Alexander and Sam walked with the latter free from his bondage. The sun had disappeared from the sky, the full moon taking its place. Instead of his shirt and pants, same wore the same robe that Alexander wore.

“Don’t you think it would be better to tell her I wasn’t kidnapped?” Sam asked. “If we continue like this then she will keep coming after you and possibly interfering with your plans.”

“There’s no need to worry,” Alexander said, motioning towards a rock. The two sat, looking out over a small lake. A smirk spread across Alexander’s face. “Even if we told her you came of your own free will then she still would have been interfering.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because she’s with my sister. Even with the three of them coming after us I have the power to stop them. I will show them my light!” Alexander looked up at the moon, his blue eyes flashing white.
 
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fixthe_fernback

I am a fic-man
Chapter nine! Short and sweet, just the way I like it...sometimes anyways.

“Because she’s with my sister. Even with the three of them coming after us I have the power to stop them. I will show them my light!” Alexander looked up at the moon, his blue eyes flashing white
Wait...this just got so confusing. But, probably safe to assume Kaylie is Alexander's sister...
Definitely looking forward to the next chapter. Keep up the good work, sir!
 

diamondpearl876

→ follow your fire.
Hi. I'm reviewing this for the review exchange thread. Your post said that you were open, so I hope that's all right with you.

The first thing I noticed that all the characters are relatively the same. They're all excited to start their pokemon journeys and raising pokemon, and that's all I know. Their different goals don't set them apart much. They could be set apart more if you explained why they chose their certain goal, or if you differed how they interacted with each other, how they treat their pokemon (since there's hardly any development on the pokemon's personalities, either), etc. The main character seems a bit different, as he seems rash and rather lost, but other than that, you don't show much about him. This also means that I can't care for the Kaylie/Jayden relationship, because they look to be the same character to me. If they're going to continue, I'd suggest delving into the relationship more along with the individual characters themselves. Why do they fit together as a couple? Do they bring out the best or worst in each other? If so, how? And what -is- the best or worst parts of them? And so on. On the up side, though, I do find it interesting to a see a (potential) couple traveling together, so I'd like to see how that turns out.

Also, Abra as a beginning pokemon seemed to be an odd choice. The normal 3 starters are chosen because they are easy to raise for beginning trainers. Abra, obviously, seems the opposite, since it can teleport away at any moment, and it attacked the professor. I don't see why Professor Elm would give away a pokemon that attacked him. It also seemed a bit odd that you put the time and effort into introducing exactly 4 trainers and an extra starting pokemon, only to have the other starting trainers disappear after chapter 1. I'm guessing that they'll come back later, but even a short scene introducing their characters a bit more would have been helpful and less awkward.

Also, as far as dialogue goes, there are some points where you have them sound very informal and refuse to use contractions. It sounds a bit awkward and not like how a teenager would speak, so I'd watch out for that if you want to keep their voices clear.

Grammar is good for the most part. There's just a few commas missing here and there. I guess my only problem in this area is that you capitalize things like "Bug type" and "Fire Mouse Pokemon," and I don't see a reason for it.

You provide just enough description to get by most of the time, but at other times there's just not enough, and it's obvious.

“And what of Aeolus?”

“There was a trail of blood leading out the door,” Damien told him. “Team Lustrous got to him first.”
For example, in this part, the man is obviously concerned or curious about Aeolus. I'm assuming he was killed? Yet the man had no reaction to this at all. The lack of reaction could tell me that he's heartless and careless, but I can't be sure, because if he was heartless, why would he ask in the first place? Saying simple things such as "he scoffed/laughed at Damien's response" or "he closed his eyes for a moment, and tried to push past those words to focus on the situation at hand" can go a long way and help enhance your character development and the picture that you paint in the readers' minds.

“I don’t even know what type of Pokémon this gym uses,” Jayden realized.

He looked around the room, hoping to find some kind of hint. Standing up, he walked over to the desk, looking over a stack of magazines. On the front was a man of about twenty. His blue hair was medium in length, a fringe covering the right side of his face. The cover read, “Falkner, Violet’s elegant gym leader, shows off Flying type Pokémon!”

Flying types huh? Jayden thought, his face scrunching. Weedle won’t be of much help. Looks like I’ll have to use Pidgey and Cyndaquil.
This part also doesn't make sense since Kaylie and Jayden previously had a conversation about the type of pokemon that Falkner uses. I'd watch out for mistakes like this... Re-reading your work before posting or getting a beta would probably help this.

Now that I got the more negative parts out of the way, I'll just point out some other things I liked:

Cyndaquil shook her head fiercely. On her back the four red spots that had been present lit up, a fire being produced. Scratching her long milky colored nose, Cyndaquil looked away.

“I’m sorry,” Jayden apologized, rubbing the back of his head. “I should have been able to tell. The fur on your back is a much lighter blue than a male’s and the cream color of your underside is way prettier.”

“Cynda!” Cyndaquil said, giving Jayden a smile.
I found parts like this particularly amusing. Your dialogue is usually interesting and very realistic, which is a plus It can help you flesh out your characters more, which is especially helpful when there's not much to go on outside of the dialogue.

“I mean…” Kaylie tried to explain, but when she looked up again Jayden already had his eyes shut, sleeping soundly. Kaylie smiled at him, walking over to the bed. Bending near his face she slowly placed her lips on his forehead, softly kissing it. She smiled again as she ran her fingers through his hair. A tear appeared in her eye, sliding down her cheek, hitting the floor quietly. “I mean more than that silly.”
I don't usually care for romance in fics, but this part was sweet.

“So…” Jayden started, rubbing the back of his head. “Have a wife, kids?”

“Yeah,” the man answered, “two kids.”

“Good, good.” The boy looked around the elevator, whistling so he could break the silence.

“Is this your first gym battle?” the man asked, coming off just as awkward as Jayden.

“The first of many.”
LOL. Very awkward indeed, but amusing.

Anyway, this is just a review for the first arc. Overall, it needs a lot of improvement, but it has potential, and I'd like to see you use that potential to its fullest. With the fast rate at which you're updating chapters, the second arc will probably be completed soon, so I guess I'll be back soon. Just be careful and mindful of giving readers/reviewers enough time to catch up before piling up too much to read on them.
 

3D992

The Living Hologram
Wonderful, wonderful! Bravo!

Now that that is over... I think this story may be going too fast. One minute Jayden is getting a pokemon, the next hes battling a gym leader, and before I know it hes chasing a presumably criminal team accross Johto. Normally I want fan fics to speed up, however this is a minor exception. The character bios say none of Kakuna's moves are known, however it used string shot. The shipping is a little too sweet but I can live with it.
Great job, continue making more! I'll be back!
 
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Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Many many thanks for the reviews! I feel that this story is going to be long and the plot will draw out through most of it. I wanted to try and get to the plot as fast as possible. I'll continue to improve the chapters. I'll look at your story soon diamondpearl. Thanks for the review again! And thanks to you too 3D!

EDIT: If either of you would like to be added to the PM/VM list then let me know. I'll add you right away. And as for Kakuna, I had written the biography before I wrote the chapter and haven't edited it yet. I will get right on that. Thanks for letting me know.
 
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Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Well, I've been reading from my iphone at work most of the day, but now that I'm back at home with my laptop I'll point out a few things that I noticed.

Before a loud Ping! Sounded.
One word does not constitute a period. Make sure you use comma's in the appropriate places.

One other thing that bothered me about the first chapter, was Jayden's not knowing what he wanted to do with his life. It just seemed a bit lazy to me. In later chapters you explain how his first Gym Battle made him think that competitive training was the way for him to go. Which is good, but at the same time all I was thinking was that he had the better part of the last four years to decide what he wanted to do. I say four years because around age ten is when I feel that most people start thinking outside the box and somewhat thinking about their future.

“I don’t even know what type of Pokémon this gym uses,” Jayden realized.
That bit confused me. I looked back and Kaylie told him in Chapter Four that Falkner used flying types.

I though the Gym Battle between Falkner and Jayden was great. Although, the fact that he didn't know what a Pidgeotto was really messed up my rhythm. I mean, These are people that live side by side everyday with Pokemon. Not that I expect that they should know the exact characteristics of every single one. But as you described, Pidgey's are common, it just seems odd to me that Jayden wouldn't know what its evolution looked like.

Other than that, I really liked the battle. Well described, and obviously thought out. I had a feeling Weedle would evolve at the end of it, but at the same time, I felt like you slipped into it pretty well. I honestly thought at the start of it that Jayden was going to lose, but when he didn't, I found myself smiling.


As two of them began to prepare the food the other brought out two glasses filled with milk. “How’s it goin’ Hope? You doin’ well I reckon?”
I liked her accent quite a bit. I live in the Mid-South and those are the sort of words I hear all the time. For that reason, the waitress stood out more to me than Jayden and Kaylie. Accents and slang always capture my attention. They make you want to learn more about the character because their speech stands out so much more than everyone else's.


Besides the bits I mentioned, I've really enjoyed reading the chapters you've posted. While it is very remniscent of alot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among alot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story. If you have a PM list, please add me to it. Great job!
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Many thanks sidewinder! I appreciate the review and input! I am also flattered you were reading my fic at work ^^ Anyway, for the sound thing, I like to separate it from the rest of the text with all capital letters and such to show that the noise is very distinct. I'll fix that from now on though. Added to the PM list you shall be. That's my Yoda impression. Was it good? Moving on, chapter 10 should be up before Friday I want to say, but if not then definitely on Friday. sidewinder and I got our banners from the same person :D Shadow Lucario out!
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
With this we add more plot! I don't even need to say that anymore. All the chapters in this arc will be plotful! I just made a word...Anyway, I will add more character biographies later on! For now let me know: Jayden, Hope, or Kaylie? Which protagonist is your favorite? Vote now and enjoy!

Chapter 10: Lost Luster

“Pidgey, you use Quick Attack and Kakuna, wait until Pidgey is right in front of you to use Harden.”

Still on the road towards Union Cave, Jayden had decided it best to use his time wisely and get in some training. Both his Pidgey and Kakuna had been out, facing each other. Pidgey quickly flew in Kakuna’s direction, white streaks coming off his wings. Just before the two connected, Kakuna became glossy as a light flashed over him. The bird bounced off, not even leaving a scratch.

“Great job Kakuna!” Jayden complimented his Pokémon. “You’ve got your timing on Harden perfect.”

Turning to the two girls, Jayden smiled, trying to get a response from them. They just sat on the ground, heads in their hands, looking at the dirt. Jayden shook his head, kneeling in front of them.

“Should we get going?” he asked. “We’ve been here for quite a while.”

The girls said nothing as they stood. Grabbing their bags, they began to walk down the path towards a large mountain. Jayden followed, quickly recalling his Pokémon. The group walked in silence, the two girls looking down at the ground. Jayden looked at them both, unsure of what to say. Finally, after five minutes he broke the silence.

“You two have been like this for three days. Isn’t it time we cheered up and look towards a bright future?”

Hope snapped her head towards Jayden, a cold stare looking him over. Without a word they continued walking. Jayden sighed, giving up on getting them to talk. The large mountain they had been walking towards was casting a large shadow over them, blocking the sun from beaming down on them. They looked up in awe at the sheer size of the mountain, the top not visible from where they stood.

“This is it,” whispered Hope. “We’re at Union Cave. Once we get through here then we’ll be just outside of Azalea Town.”

“How long will it take?” Kaylie asked.

“A few days at least,” Hope replied. “Even if we walked all day and night the shortest way through the cave takes four days.”

“Well then let’s go,” said Jayden, beginning towards the mouth of the cave.

Entering the cave made nearly all the light vanish. It was hard to see what was in front before their eyes adjusted. The cave’s walls were all covered in water while the ground was completely dry. A few feet into the cave the group heard a stream that wasn’t too far away. The cave had only one walkway, forming a path through the mountain.

“It won’t be too hard to get out of here,” Jayden said, his voice echoing a little bit.

“Just you wait,” Hope told him, her voice echoing as well. “You’ll see just how intricate the path gets.”

Looking to his left, Jayden saw the small stream they heard near the entrance. Small splashes came from it as Pokémon swam up and down it. The stream then continued down the side of the path before going underground, a small walkway above where the stream changed direction. As they walked over the water a fin appeared from out of the water, splashing Jayden in the face.

“What the hell?” Jayden said surprised, feeling the water on his face. Looking over the edge he saw an orange fish sticking its head out the water. “Hey! You’re the one who splashed me!”

The Pokémon stuck its tongue out before diving under. Jayden peered over the edge a little more trying to see where the fish went. Looking over a little too much, his foot slipped on the water that hit the ground. In a panic, he reached back and grabbed the first thing he touched; Hope’s arm. Because of the weight difference, Jayden began to pull Hope down with him and by reflex she grabbed the only thing she could; Kaylie’s shirt. Without anything else to grab onto the trainers fell into the stream, being dragged down the water tunnel by the current. After being banged against the walls for a few seconds, all three kids lost consciousness, unable to hold their breath any longer. The little light they had left faded and the darkness enveloped them.

---------------------------------------

“Aeolus sir, are you sure you want to do this?”

“What have I told you about this sir crap?”

“I apologize Aeolus, but are you sure you want to start with Unity City?”

In the middle of a small city outside Union Cave, Aeolus and one of his grunts stood, watching as all the people walked by, a look of disgust on Aeolus’ face. A man brushed up against the Team Lustrous leader and apologized before hurrying off. Aeolus wiped his robes off before revealing a Poké Ball in his hand.

“This city is right outside of Azalea Town and is their main source for any type of supplies,” Aeolus explained. “With Unity City out of the way, Azalea Town cannot get any supplies to help themselves. The gym leader there will not be able to fight back with everyone else needing attention.”

“Then why not start in another city that is near a gym leader?” the grunt questioned.

“Because you don’t know the layout of those cities. Since this is your hometown you’ll be able to point me in any direction I need.”

“But Aeolus I-”

Aeolus stared the grunt down, the leader’s eyes beginning to glow red. The grunt backed down immediately, ceasing his argument. Aeolus turned back to the town with a wicked smile, tossing his Poké Ball into the air.

---------------------------------------

Jayden…Jayden over here…It’s your mother…

Mother…? It can’t be…You’re dead…

Look at my face…Tell me I’m not your mother…

“You’re not my mother!” Jayden screamed, sitting up in an instant. Looking around, he saw Hope, Kaylie, and a boy he had never met staring at him confused.

Hope shook her head before saying, “You have problems man.”

“I was joking guys, heh, joking,” Jayden said scratching the back of his head. But what was that face I saw? I know it wasn’t my mother’s. She had long blonde hair and Dad always told me Mom was a brunette. Her face didn’t even seem familiar. She looked more like Kaylie than me.

“The screaming idiot is Jayden,” Kaylie told the boy. “Jayden this is Chad. He’s the one who saved us.”

“Nice to meet you,” said Chad, holding out his hand.

“The pleasure is all mine,” Jayden said a little embarrassed, taking his hand.

“The girls here tell me it was your fault that you guys fell in,” Chad told Jayden.

“I guess you can say that. This Pokémon splashed me with water and I wanted to get a good look at him.”

“Well if you exit the cave over there,” Chad pointed behind him to a large opening, moonlight pouring in from outside, “you’ll be right outside Unity City. From there it’s only a few days to Azalea Town.”

“Thanks a lot,” Hope and Kaylie thanked him, jumping up.

Jayden nodded, standing as well. Once the three trainers exited the cave, Chad pulled off his brown coat to reveal black attire. It was much like the outfits Team Lustrous wore, but it was more of a blazer and pants than robes. After looking around him, he took a headset out of the bag he had next to him.

“I just checked the kids out,” he spoke into it. “They don’t appear to be with Team Lustrous, but there are two siblings of Lustrous operatives.”

“For now come back to base,” a woman’s voice said through the headset. “They’re no threat to our plans as of yet. If they begin to pose a problem we’ll have to get rid of them.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Placing the headset back in the bag, Chad walked deeper into the cave, disappearing in the darkness. On the outside of the cave Jayden kept patting himself down, confused.

“Is something wrong?” Kaylie asked as they walked.

“How did I get dry?”

“Oh that. Well you were pretty soaked so we had to change you. Luckily you had spare clothes,” Hope answered.

Instantly Jayden turned red. Thinking about either of them changing his clothes made him feel a little embarrassed, especially since he was asleep. The girls laughed, making Jayden even more confused.

“We had Chad change your pants,” said Hope. “I didn’t want to see that and Kaylie was too busy blushing to do it. We looked away.”

“You know I think that’s what we needed to take our mind off of this Team Lustrous business,” Kaylie said with a giggle. “I was really upset, but our little time in Union Cave cheered me up. Even if we did almost die.”

“You’re right Kaylie. I do miss my brother, but I know he would want me to enjoy my journey as well as take it seriously.”

“So have either of you been to Unity City?” Jayden asked, changing the subject.

Both of the girls shook their head as they came up to a sign that read, “Unity City Limits.” Jayden tried to see the city lights from their position, but no matter how hard he looked he couldn’t see anything. When they got closer to the city he instantly knew why. All of their jaws dropped once they entered the city. The buildings had been toppled, some in more than one part. Every window was shattered, glass strewn all over the street. Walking through the city was like walking through a nightmare. The only sign of people was the blood on the street. Some trailed off while others pooled up in one spot. Signs hung, swinging in the light wind. As they reached the middle of the city Jayden stopped dead in his tracks. He stopped the girls, a look of horror on his face. The moonlight shone down right onto what had stopped him. Out from the alley way lay a motionless hand. Not too far from the hand was a plush Cyndaquil. Jayden lost feeling in his legs, dropping to his knees. Grabbing onto the plush he did the only thing he could do.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
 

3D992

The Living Hologram
Whoa! Whose plush could it be? So violent! Dead people in a broken town... Cliffhanger...

Just VM me like you did!
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Another well written chapter.

Team Lustrous bothered me at first because I thought it was going to be the typical 'Team' with shadowy goals and a God complex. But so far that's proved to not be the case. Keep it up, just be careful to not fall into any habits that make them ordinary.

One thing that did bother me slightly was when the kids fell into the stream and got bashed around by the rocks. If they were slammed into unconciousness that easily and quickly, I thought they would have some kind of lingering injuries. A broken arm, sore leg, bump on the head, even a few bruises. One thing I've found in some fics is that they make the characters so perfect and untouchable that I can't relate to them. Not that you've been doing that, I just don't want you to fall into that stereotype. All three of the main characters are developing in such a way that I can easily see who they are, especially Kaylie. Keep it up!

I liked the destruction and murder at the end of the chapter. It added a dose of realism, which is a really welcome addition. Besides the small things I mentioned, I enjoyed the chapter very much. Towards the beginning and right at the end, I felt like it was rushed a bit. However, it didn't take away from the experience, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Good job!
 
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