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Hero's Bond [PG 13]

Glover

Pain in Rocket side
Well, that took me longer than I epected, but as promised, here I am! This is CH5's review.
as he hopped out of thebed, pulling Damien into an embrace. “Dimitrios is fine. What happened to me and where are we?”
Or,

as he hopped off the bed, pulling Damien into an embrace. “Dimitrios is fine. What happened to me and where are we?”
---
“Weedle, use Poison Sting!”

“Ledyba, stop that worm!”
Should have comas after Weedle and Ledyba, as they are names beign addressed. Same goes for

“Weedle, stop Ledyba with String Shot!” called Jayden.
Both trainers recalled their Pokémon, shaking hands to show it was a good contest.
Wonderful of you to include that.

“I’m not too keen about going without sleep,” Jayden replied.
Charlie Brown speaketh sense.

“What’s so funny?” Jayden asked, his smile disappearing.

“This is Dark Cave,” she explained. She pointed to her left, a large smile now on her face. “Violet City is that way! Looks like we’re walking through the night!”

Jayden’s head hung in shame, the thought of going a full twenty-four hours without sleep already tiring him out. Pulling her friend, Kaylie happily led the way down the path towards Violet City.
I suppose I should know this, but it came up and so I mention it. I actuially don't recall where Dark Cave is. That's the one that connects Violet and Blackthorn, right? Meaning it goes the wrong way is what Kaylie was getting at?

Compared to Cherrygrove, Violet City was crowded; EXTREMELY crowded. It was impossible to go anywhere without bumping into someone. Jayden became overwhelmed, not sure of what to do. By instinct he grabbed Kaylie’s wrist and pulled her out of the crowd with him.
Your story, your world, don't mind me, and I don't recall the anime presentation of Violet, but I belive the backstory calls for Vilet to be a much sleeoier and historic cit than that.

All the streets wound around each other or ended up in a dead end
Proper past tense of wind. Winded is what Jayden is after all that walking. :p

“YES!” exclaimed Jayden, running over to the desk. “One room please. Let’s go.”
This actually reads rather rudely. Who's he sayng "Let's go" to, Nurse Joy or Kaylie? If the former, that's a rather bossy thing to say to one who's supplying you room and board for nest to nothing. If the latter, I think he'd get slugged, on account it's Kaylie.

“I feel that in the past week I feel like I’ve really gotten to know you.” Kaylie looked down, her hands shaking slightly. She clenched them in an attempt to make them stop. “I know that we didn’t really hang out much growing up, but I always had this strange feeling about you.”
Ho boy. Here we go...

Kaylie bit her lip, her trembling now traveling up her arms. “Even though I didn’t really know you it’s been there. Then that night in Cherrygrove made me realize it’s even more than I thought.” Kaylie looked up, staring straight into Jayden’s eyes. “I like you, a lot.”
And for their next trick, Shadow Lucario will now jump the proverbial shark.

(Is not fond of romances between two main characters, especially 14yr olds.)
“I mean more than that, Silly.”
For CH5, and I reaize you're past this point, but I'm still not getting a lot fo vibes from Jayden. He's certainly there, but he's not done aznything really establishing, or memorable. Although thr Dark Cave bit is funny once you figure out the punchline. Kaylie's kinda found her niche as the strong one, and I'm rather disspaointed as there's not a whole lot of emotion from the Pokemon, especially if this is a friendly competition between partner Pokemon.

Black Org, meh. I could take them or leave them right now, but this is only their introduction chapter, there's still plenty of time for them to be introduced. I do liek Dimitrios though, since his concerns went immediately to his Lucario.

And I miss Cyndiquil. I liked her. The little flower gathering went a long way.
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Not as much plot as I wanted, but what can you do? Anyway, there is a return. I'll leave it at that. ;) The progression of the story is panning out just as I had planned so expect a lot more plot to be hitting your faces soon! So far I'm seeing that more people like Kaylie as opposed to Jayden. He's trying his hardest D: Kaylie is extremely happy though :D Moving on, finally starting to get more into double digit chapters. Here is chapter 11. Enjoy!


Chapter 11: Illuminated Glory

Dark clouds covered the sky, its color turning grey. No rain fell from the clouds, but thunder sounded, lightning cracking in the distance. As he kneeled, Jayden began to pound the ground, tears streaming from his face. Tears began to form in Kaylie’s eyes as well, her hand instinctively touching her mouth. Hope looked away from her friend, trying to suppress her own tears.

“Who would do this?” Jayden asked, barely above a whisper. “Who would kill all these innocent people?!”

Jayden wiped his face with his sleeve as he stood. Still clutching the plush Cyndaquil, he placed it in his bag, walking off in a seemingly random direction. Kaylie attempted to follow, but Hope stopped her, shaking her head. As he walked through the city he saw blood splattered against the building, the splatters showing they had tried to run. Jayden’s hands balled into fists, tightening even more as he continued walking. A creaking sound came from nearby him. Looking up he saw that it was a sign for a family business. The sign had been broken at the bottom and barely hanging on to the building.

Sitting at a nearby bench, Jayden hung his head, the thoughts of what had transpired swimming in his mind. He could imagine the screams and the terror on the face of the citizens. A warm liquid began to travel down his arm. Surprised, he noticed that he had been squeezing his fists so tight that his nails pierced his skin. Not even caring if he got blood on him, Jayden covered his face with his hands, tears still trickling down.

“I need to go comfort him,” Kaylie told Hope, her voice wavering.

“How are you going to comfort him when you need someone to comfort you?” The question took Kaylie by surprise as Hope pulled her in for a hug, tears streaming down her face. “It’s okay to cry. You are human after all.”

Even though she tried her best to hold it in, Kaylie began to weep, holding onto Hope tightly. Walking back to the girls, Jayden looked up at the sky, a small raindrop hitting him on the forehead. Soon the rain came down in a drizzle. Kaylie took notice of him as the boy stared into the sky, as if searching for something. He looked over at the girls, a smirk on his face.

“We have to keep moving. We won’t gain anything by wallowing in our sorrows.”

Kaylie broke away from Hope, wiping her tears with a nod and smile. “You’re right.”

“That’s my line. After all, my name is Hope.” With a sniffle, Hope wiped her tears away as well. “My brother wouldn’t want me to be sad.”

“Then let’s move on to Azalea Town.”

Passing through the ruined city, the group didn’t look back for fear of sorrow catching them again. They put the sadness behind them, using it to push them forward. The rain stopped not long after it began, the sun shining through the clouds.

--------------------------------------------------------------

“Man my feet are killing me!”

“Keep complaining and it will take even longer to get there.”

“But we’ve been walking for a day! We haven’t stopped once!”

“Hope is right Jayden. If you keep complaining it will take more time to get there.”

Still on the road to Azalea Town, Hope, Jayden, and Kaylie had been traveling down a straight path that didn’t turn off at any point. The only thing they could see ahead was more of the path. Unlike yesterday, there were no clouds in the sky and the puddles from the little rain had already evaporated. On their right had been a cliff, the top just out of sight.

“We should reach Azalea in two more days,” Hope told Jayden. “You can hold on that long can’t you?”

“Maybe,” he replied. “That is if my feet don’t give out.”

“Always like you to complain Jayden!” a voice said from above.

Looking up quickly, Jayden saw a glimpse of a blue jacket as a figure jumped down the cliff, sliding on the rocky surface. Rolling when they reached the ground, a familiar face met Jayden. It was Burton! Kaylie let out a squeal of happiness before jumping on him.

“Burton!” Jayden spit out, surprised by the sudden appearance. “What are you doing here?”

“My next contest is in Azalea,” he explained. “You’re going too right? I didn’t see you at the contest in East Village.”

“Actually,” Jayden said embarrassed as he scratched his head. He had completely forgotten that he didn’t tell Burton he had decided to compete in the Silver Conference.

“The Silver Conference,” Burton said, a little impressed after a brief explanation. “Too bad you didn’t choose to become a coordinator with me and Marshall. We both lost in that first contest, but it’s extremely fun!”

“Where is Marshall anyway?” Kaylie asked.

“Marshall split after the contest in East Village. He hasn’t dropped me a line since. Before he ran off he said he’d meet me in Azalea.”

“Then let’s go,” said Jayden. “We’re on our way there to challenge the gym.”

“Awesome! I’ll be able to see you battle and you can watch my contest!” Burton punched the air as he jumped, excited for his next challenge and watching his friends battle.

“Uh hi,” Hope said a little awkward. “I’m Hope by the way and we should probably get a move on if you guys want to get there sooner than later.”

Taking Hope’s advice, the group of now four began their trek towards Azalea Town. All the while Burton told them about the joys of being a coordinator. He didn’t spare any details as he told them about how in sync he was with his Pokémon. He had also explained that while Marshall passed the appeal round, he did not. Even in defeat Burton was extremely happy with his performance and guaranteed them he would win the Azalea contest.

“There is one thing I want to warn you about though.” Burton’s tone suddenly became serious, his expression no longer goofy. “There are these people in black running around. They call themselves the Black Organization. I don’t know what they’re goals are, but I do know they are bad news.”

“That’s not all you have to worry about,” Jayden told him, his tone and expression equally as serious. “A syndicate known as Team Lustrous has sprung up out of nowhere. They kidnapped Hope’s brother for some reason and they’re the reason my mother is dead…”

Burton said nothing, only looking off in another direction. Silence reigned over them before Burton finally spoke up again. “Instead of focusing on these criminals how about we have a friendly battle? I need to show you my team anyway.”

“I’m down!” Jayden exclaimed.

“Guys we don’t have time to stop,” Hope told the boys.

“Let them have their fun,” said Kaylie. “We’re not on a schedule anyway. Besides, I want to see just what training for a contest does to your Pokémon.”

Jayden and Burton had created a good thirty foot gap between them in the middle of the road. They both wore smirks, Poké Balls in hand. Burton launched his, the ball cracking open after leaving his hand. The white light poured out, hitting the ground before taking the form of a Poliwag. Swinging her tail back and forth, Poliwag showed she was ready for battle.

“Pidgey, standby for battle!” Jayden yelled as he threw his Poké Ball. Pidgey flew out of his ball and around Poliwag before returning to Jayden’s side.

“Poliwag start with Bubblebeam!” Burton shouted.

From her little pink mouth, a barrage of solid bubbles shot out. Having leverage, it was easy for Pidgey to dodge all the bubbles. Even though he dodged them all, the bubbles busted all around Pidgey, water hitting him in the eye from each side.

“Pidgey, use Gust to blow that tadpole away!” ordered Jayden.

Flapping his wings furiously, Pidgey created a large tornado. Burton chuckled as the tornado neared Poliwag. “Time for Water Gun.”

Instead of bubbles, a stream of water shot from Poliwag’s mouth. The tornado’s momentum then pulled the water around it, turning it into a small typhoon. Jumping into the typhoon, Poliwag used the tornado to gain speed and jump above Pidgey.

“Now Body Slam!” called Burton.

When Poliwag was above Pidgey it was as if her weight doubled. She dropped like a rock, landing right on top of Pidgey, slamming him into the ground. Rolling back, Poliwag spun on one foot gracefully, jumping into the air when she saw Pidgey struggling to get up.

“Show them Quick Attack,” said Jayden.

Poliwag jumped into the air again and without even realizing he moved, was tackled by Pidgey. The water type fell over, surprised by the attack. Pidgey swung back around and tackled her again, knocking Poliwag back to the ground. Before she could get up again, Pidgey flapped his wings, creating another tornado, this one smaller in size, but faster. The tornado picked Poliwag up, the tadpole unable to do anything but be bounced back and forth between the walls of the tornado.

“Now hit ‘em with Wing Attack!” shouted Jayden.

Pidgey’s wings began to glow as he broke through the tornado, slamming his wing into Poliwag, Flying out, Poliwag hit the ground, rolling back a little, not moving. Burton recalled his Pokémon, knowing she couldn’t battle any longer.

“Great job Pidgey,” Jayden complimented him as Pidgey landed on his shoulder. Pulling out his Poké Ball, Jayden recalled him, a smirk on his face.

“That was a pretty sweet battle, but let’s see how you handle my starter,” Burton said, pulling out another Poké Ball. “Abra, strike!”

From his Poké Ball came a bipedal, fox like Pokémon. It was gold in color save for the brown plates on its shoulders and a small area on its chest. Its eyes appeared to be closed. It held up one hand, pink energy emitting from its three fingers.

“Then I guess I’ll have to use mine,” Jayden said with a chuckle. “Cyndaquil, standby for battle!”

Cyndaquil emerged from her Poké Ball with the fire on her back blazing. When she landed, the fire type cautiously watched Abra, waiting for Jayden to give a command. Burton looked the field over, devising a strategy that would use his surroundings.

“Abra, use Energy Ball!” he shouted.

After a few seconds, Abra placed on hand over the other, a green ball forming. His hands shook as he tried to contain the energy into the small compact ball. Abra launched it, standing completely still.

“Cyndaquil dodge it!” ordered Jayden.

Cyndaquil jumped to the side, the ball whizzing right be her face. Burton chuckled a bit and with a snap of his fingers Abra had vanished. Shocked, both Jayden and Cyndaquil looked around them, trying to find the psychic type. Without a sound, Abra reappeared behind Cyndaquil, a green ball in his hand.

“Watch out Cyndaquil!” Jayden yelled.

Hearing her trainer, Cyndaquil turned around, but it was too late. Abra shot the ball at point blank range, hitting Cyndaquil in her side. Rolling backwards, Cyndaquil regained her balance.

“Fire back with Ember!” Jayden shouted.

Cyndaquil dashed towards Abra, a barrage of fireballs releasing from her mouth. Abra didn’t move a muscle, instead being hit by the fireballs. Falling backwards, Abra lay on the ground, not moving.

“Is it over already?” Kaylie asked, surprised that Abra went down so easily.

“I doubt it,” said Hope.

Just as she said it, Abra began to levitate in the air, pushing himself back to his feet. Burton nodded his head, expecting this much from his Pokémon. “Show them your teleporting Shadow Ball.”

Once again Abra began to gather energy between his hands, but this time it was purple and black as opposed to the green from before. When this ball was launched it zipped through the air faster than the other attack. Abra thrust out his hands towards the ball. As Cyndaquil was about to dodge, the ball of energy vanished. Cyndaquil rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn’t seeing things. The ball appeared from behind her, hitting her in the back. The ball vanished again, reappearing from the side this time. This pattern repeated until Cyndaquil was hit from every direction. Panting, Cyndaquil fell to the ground, trying her best to get up.

“Cyndaquil please get up,” Jayden plead. “You can do this. I know you can.”

Cyndaquil shakily got back to her feet, staring Abra down. With a cry, her fire began to burn more brilliantly. Releasing another wave of fireballs, Cyndaquil dashed at Abra. The psychic type was hit, this time simply stumbling back. As she ran, Cyndaquil’s speed picked up. The fire type tackled Abra, hitting him in the gut with her head.

“Go Cyndaquil,” Jayden shouted. “Hit him with Flame Wheel!”

Chasing after Abra as he stumbled, Cyndaquil became engulfed in flames. This time when she tackled Abra, his mouth opened, saliva spilling out. Abra flew backwards, skidding across the ground a bit. When he finally stopped, he lay motionless. The flames disappeared from around Cyndaquil and she too fell to the ground, not a muscle moving.

“I think it’s a double knockout,” Burton said, the two trainers recalling their Pokémon. “Now that was a fun battle!”

“You got that right,” Jayden said with a smile. The boys met each other in the middle of the road and grasped each other’s hand.

“I can’t wait to see how well you do in Azalea.” Placing his Poké Ball back into his pocket, he and Jayden walked back over to the girls, the girls patting them both on the back.

“Well you won’t have anything to see if we never get there,” Hope told him. “Now let’s get moving!”
 
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3D992

The Living Hologram
I saw a few mistakes such as "Hope placed stopped Kaylie". There were a some others but I cant quote sentences on my nook.
One thing I noticed was weird is that they kept the dead city to themselves... They didnt even call the police, much less tell Burton. I thought that a little strange.
Great chapter! I'm suprised how quick you make these. Good job!
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Nicely done, however, there were a few things that struck me as odd.

First, Jayden's reaction to the ruined city confused me. I mean, I know it would be a hellish thing to stumble upon, but it seemed like he really took it hard. I'm not sure why. Was it because he think his mother was involved? Did he know someone from the city? Fond memories from his youth? Shock and disbelief are reactions I can understand, but Jayden's felt a little extreme compared to the rest of them. If there is a reason for that, that will be revealed later, nevermind, but if I missed something, let me know. I did think you described his emotions very well though. Rage and anguish have always been really difficult for me to describe, so great work!

As I read on, I found myself still thinking about the ruined city. How many dead, if the police were called, repair estimates, etc. I found it odd that you gave no explanation about them notifying someone or not. Being as old they are, I figured the first thing they would do would be to tell someone in a position of power. I know you have to follow your characters, but I hope you visit that town again lol.

When Poliwag was above Pidgey it was as if her weight doubled.
Don't really have a correction to suggest, but that sentence felt somewhat wrong to me. I hope that doesnt sound odd, but it made me stumble a bit

The battle between Jayden and Burton was really fun to read, I found myself on edge almost all the way through. I liked how you used the attacks thrown by each one to aid the other in a counter-attack. It was obviously really thought out and planned. Abra being portrayed as a teleporting powerhouse was a nice touch. I've noticed that some writers tend to ignore species like that as worthless, or even not worth writing about, but they are. They have so much to offer and I'm glad you recognize that.

All in all, I liked the chapter alot. Maybe I read quickly, but I fell like it was a tad bit short, but that didn't take away from the experience. I can see that you're taking the advice that people are giving you, and its nice to see the results. Keep it up!
 
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Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Many thanks for the reviews. As for notifying the police...there are no police in the city and they have no form of communication. I didn't give them Pokegears because I felt that would make it too much like the game. That and I think the only person Jayden would call is his dad. :p Anyway, it was heartbreaking for them to see the destruction and with Jayden, he just found out his mother was dead so it really hit home for him. I'll make the next chapter better, don't you worry!
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Many thanks for the reviews. As for notifying the police...there are no police in the city and they have no form of communication. I didn't give them Pokegears because I felt that would make it too much like the game. That and I think the only person Jayden would call is his dad. :p Anyway, it was heartbreaking for them to see the destruction and with Jayden, he just found out his mother was dead so it really hit home for him. I'll make the next chapter better, don't you worry!
Ah, well that makes more sense. If everyone is dead they obviously cant communicate with anyone, especially if all they could possibly do for long distance communication is make a few smoke signals.

And btw, it was a very good chapter.
 

The Oncoming Storm

I went to jared
Not as much plot as I wanted, but what can you do? Anyway, there is a return. I'll leave it at that. ;) The progression of the story is panning out just as I had planned so expect a lot more plot to be hitting your faces soon! So far I'm seeing that more people like Kaylie as opposed to Jayden. He's trying his hardest D: Kaylie is extremely happy though :D Moving on, finally starting to get more into double digit chapters. Here is chapter 11. Enjoy!


Chapter 11: Illuminated Glory

Dark clouds covered the sky, its color turning grey. No rain fell from the clouds, but thunder sounded, lightning cracking in the distance. As he kneeled, Jayden began to pound the ground, tears streaming from his face. Tears began to form in Kaylie’s eyes as well, her hand instinctively touching her mouth. Hope looked away from her friend, trying to suppress her own tears.

“Who would do this?” Jayden asked, barely above a whisper. “Who would kill all these innocent people?!”

Jayden wiped his face with his sleeve as he stood. Still clutching the plush Cyndaquil, he placed it in his bag, walking off in a seemingly random direction. Kaylie attempted to follow, but Hope placed stopped her, shaking her head. As he walked through the city he saw blood splattered against the building, the splatters showing they had tried to run. Jayden’s hands balled into fists, tightening even more as he continued walking. A creaking sound came from nearby him. Looking up he saw that it was a sign for a family business. The sign had been broken at the bottom and barely hanging on to the building.

Sitting at a nearby bench, Jayden hung his head, the thoughts of what had transpired swimming in his mind. He could imagine the screams and the terror on the face of the citizens. A warm liquid began to travel down his arm. Surprised, he noticed that he had been squeezing his fists so tight that his nails pierced his skin. Not even caring if he got blood on him, Jayden covered his face with his hands, tears still trickling down.

“I need to go comfort him,” Kaylie told Hope, her voice wavering.

“How are you going to comfort him when you need someone to comfort you?” The question took Kaylie by surprise as Hope pulled her in for a hug, tears streaming down her face. “It’s okay to cry. You are human after all.”

Even though she tried her best to hold it in, Kaylie began to weep, holding onto Hope tightly. Walking back to the girls, Jayden looked up at the sky, a small raindrop hitting him on the forehead. Soon the rain came down in a drizzle. Kaylie took notice of him as the boy stared into the sky, as if searching for something. He looked over at the girls, a smirk on his face.

“We have to keep moving. We won’t gain anything by wallowing in our sorrows.”

Kaylie broke away from Hope, wiping her tears with a nod and smile. “You’re right.”

“That’s my line. After all, my name is Hope.” With a sniffle, Hope wiped her tears away as well. “My brother wouldn’t want me to be sad.”

“Then let’s move on to Azalea Town.”

Passing through the ruined city, the group didn’t look back for fear of sorrow catching them again. They put the sadness behind them, using it to push them forward. The rain stopped not long after it began, the sun shining through the clouds.
This whole part is completly and utterly off. Three teenagers walk into a town full of death and all they do is cry a bit and move on! No way!

First, Jayden sees a everything in the end of the last chapter and all he does is pick up a plush and scream. Not likely he should have ran to the person not the doll. Second, they just stand around and cry then leave! How doe someone even see that ever happening. You don't just cry in the middle of a town full of slaughtered people and then walk away! They are in a town someone has to have a pokegear or phone and if not that then what about the dead peoples potential pokemon. Where are they. I would find it odd if a whole town of people didn't have any pokemon what so ever. Third is their attitudes once they leave. How do you have main characters see such a disslturbing event and not change in the least. The don't seem the least bit worried, determined, saddened, vengeful, or angry at what happened to the people in that town. Foruth, they run into another trainer, who they don't tell about the incident, that jayden then has a casual battle with. All of this is just wrong I'm sorry if it seems like I am ripping your fan fic apart but thesse are huge holes.


Also in the battle I think energy ball should have barely phased cyndaquil. I mean a un-stab grass move against a fire typ is not gonna do any real damage. Meaning cynda should have weathered the shadow balls better.
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
This whole part is completly and utterly off. Three teenagers walk into a town full of death and all they do is cry a bit and move on! No way!

First, Jayden sees a everything in the end of the last chapter and all he does is pick up a plush and scream. Not likely he should have ran to the person not the doll. Second, they just stand around and cry then leave! How doe someone even see that ever happening. You don't just cry in the middle of a town full of slaughtered people and then walk away! They are in a town someone has to have a pokegear or phone and if not that then what about the dead peoples potential pokemon. Where are they. I would find it odd if a whole town of people didn't have any pokemon what so ever. Third is their attitudes once they leave. How do you have main characters see such a disslturbing event and not change in the least. The don't seem the least bit worried, determined, saddened, vengeful, or angry at what happened to the people in that town. Foruth, they run into another trainer, who they don't tell about the incident, that jayden then has a casual battle with. All of this is just wrong I'm sorry if it seems like I am ripping your fan fic apart but thesse are huge holes.


Also in the battle I think energy ball should have barely phased cyndaquil. I mean a un-stab grass move against a fire typ is not gonna do any real damage. Meaning cynda should have weathered the shadow balls better.
No it doesn't seem like that at all. Just stating what you think. I don't know if you remember, but Burton knows them and has known them for quite a while, well minus Hope. The reason they don't tell him is they want to put it behind them and focus more on their journey and since they have no idea who is responsible (yet) they can't have any feelings of vengeance. I should have handled that situation better. I'll work on that next time I have a similar event. I'm from Arizona too. What are you doing up at this time? :p
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Chapter 12 comin in! I really connected to a certain character in this chapter. I got inside their mind and knew what was going on. A lot more violence than usual. We get some talk on what happened in Violet between Kaylie and Jayden while we also get another talk from a completely different character. Probably going to work on some biographies later and add them this weekend. Enjoy!



Chapter 12: Radiant Pride


“Don’t you guys ever stop to rest?!”

“I know your pain man. I’ve asked the same thing on multiple occasions.”

After meeting up with Kaylie and Jayden’s old friend Burton, the group of four trainers traveled towards Azalea Town together. Even though the moon was in the sky the trainers still walked, not having taken a rest since Jayden’s battle with Burton. Their newest companion didn’t like their way of walking straight through the night.

“Geez it was bad when only Jayden complained,” Hope said, slightly irritated. “I can tell you two are friends. You both can’t handle going without a little sleep.”

“Hey now, I’ve started to get used to this,” said Jayden, sounding a little defensive.

Shaking her head, Hope didn’t give Jayden a verbal response.

A slight wind blew over the landscape, leaves dancing in it. High in the sky, the moon was full, illuminating the route. Because of the absence of lights, the stars were much more brilliant, more constellations able to be seen. Hoothoot and Noctowl could be seen occasionally flying overhead.

“I think this is a good time to take a break,” Hope told the group.

“Finally!” Jayden and Burton moaned in unison.

The two boys dropped their bags, nearly falling to the ground. Kaylie laughed as she sat her bag down, taking a seat next to Jayden. Slightly red she looked over at him, snapping her gaze back ahead of her once she saw that he noticed her eyes. Shrugging it off Jayden pulled out a Poké Ball, tossing it in the air. Cyndaquil emerged with a flip, looking around her when she landed.

“We’re not in a battle Cyndaquil,” Jayden told her, chuckling a little bit.

The small fire type blushed as she snuggled under her trainer’s arm, trying to hide her embarrassment. Kaylie looked over again, this time maintaining her gaze when Jayden’s eyes met hers. Burton noticed his friends locking eyes and stood quickly, brushing his pants off.

“Hope and I will go get some fire wood,” he said, a large grin on his face. Grabbing Hope by the arm he pulled her off down the route. “We’ll be back soon!”

“Burton,” Jayden said. “He’s such a character.”

“So, I wanted to talk about what happened in Violet City,” Kaylie said quietly.

“What of it?”

“I just find it odd that you would kiss me and then not even mention what we had said that night. You told me you liked me. Is that true?”

Jayden let out a sigh, looking down at Cyndaquil. Cyndaquil simply smiled back at him, snuggling closer to him. “That was a long time ago. I’m not sure if I still feel that way. Things have just gotten so…complicated.”

“So then I should just forget these feelings then?” Kaylie looked away, huddling her knees close to her chest. Suddenly, a warm sensation filled her hand. She quickly looked at her hand and saw Cyndaquil smiling at her, placing her tiny hands into the human’s. Without even saying anything Kaylie understood it all from Cyndaquil’s gaze.

Looking into the sky, Jayden smiled, closing his eyes. “We’re young Kaylie. You shouldn’t be looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with.”

“Cynda!” Cyndaquil cried at Jayden, an agitated look on her face.

He laughed and began to pet his Pokémon on the head. “Unless of course that person is your Pokémon, but you understand what I mean. If it happens between us then it happens. If not, I want you to stay my friend and continue to be in my life.”

Cyndaquil jumped into her trainer’s lap, both giggling. Kaylie took out Totodile’s Poké Ball and stared at it. She knew that she didn’t have the same bond with her Totodile that Jayden and Cyndaquil had. Releasing her Totodile, tears came to Kaylie’s eyes. When the blue crocodile formed, he walked over to his trainer, a concerned look on his face.

“Don’t worry Totodile,” she said wiping her face. “These are tears of joy. I just wanted you to know that I’ll be using you a lot more. I know that I have been neglecting you, but I want you to know it stops here.”

“Dile!” the crocodile cheered, hugging his trainer.

Jayden smiled, seeing Kaylie and her Totodile laugh and bond. Kaylie stood, whispering something to Totodile. Without warning, the two ran up to Jayden and Cyndaquil, tagged them, and ran off giggling.

“I guess we’re it Cyndaquil,” Jayden told her, the smile still on his face.

“Cynda,” she replied, a smile spreading across her face as well.

Chasing after their friends, Cyndaquil tackled Totodile to the ground while Jayden scooped Kaylie up, gently placing her on the ground. He knelt over her, slowly getting closer to her face. Kaylie’s heartbeat increased as she felt his body heat. His eyes were gentle, his hair lightly touching her. Kaylie closed her eyes, expecting the pressure from his lips to touch hers. Instead she felt his head next to hers.

“You’re it,” he whispered to her before he and Cyndaquil took off down the road.

Sitting up, she looked at Totodile, a little confused. Shaking her head, Kaylie smiled, picking Totodile up and started her own chase after Jayden. Due to him having longer legs, Jayden could easily outrun Kaylie. After leading her down the road for a few minutes, Jayden stopped, the sight ahead of him forcing him to stop.

“Hey…why’d you stop?” Kaylie asked, trying to catch her breath.

Jayden simply pointed ahead of him. In the distance was a large light over a small town. Helicopters flew over, their spotlights on the town as well. A large building in the center had tubes coming from the sides, connecting to two smaller buildings. People descended from the helicopters and into the town. Tanks traversed the roads outside the town limits with groups of people on every side of them.

“What the f-” Jayden started.

Before he could finish the curse, a powerful force hit him from the side, throwing him to the ground easily. Maniacal laughter filled the air around them. Kaylie’s eyes widened as she realized she knew the laughter. She looked to her side and saw the familiar green monster that towered over her. Stepping out from behind the creature, another familiar face came. Kaylie tried to move to see if Jayden was okay, but the stare from the man froze her to the spot.

“Well well look who we have here,” the Team Lustrous commander, Alexander, said.

“Al-alexander…” she stuttered. He took a step towards her and no matter how much she wanted to run she couldn’t.

“Don’t be so afraid now Kaylie,” he said, now standing right next to her.

“Quil!” cried Cyndaquil, releasing a barrage of fireballs onto Alexander’s Tyranitar.

The green beast let the attack hit him, the fireballs not fazing him at all. Jayden pushed himself up, one hand on his jaw. He tried to reach out for Cyndaquil, but was too late. Just like her trainer, Tyranitar whacked Cyndaquil with his tail. The small fire mouse was sent skidding against the ground. Jayden stopped her, holding his Pokémon close.

“What do you want with us?” Jayden demanded.

“I’m just here to talk to Kaylie,” Alexander replied, placing a hand on her cheek.

“Don’t you touch her you filth!” the boy shouted.

Alexander walked over to Jayden, a look of disgust on his face as he looked down on him. With a swift kick to the face, Jayden was sent tumbling backwards, trying to prevent Cyndaquil from being harmed by his weight.

“How dare you tell me what to do with my own sister…?” The look in Alexander’s eye was intense as he stared Jayden down.

“S-sister?” Jayden uttered out, his jaw in extreme pain.

“I just wanted to let you know that you have an open invitation from Team Lustrous,” the man told Kaylie, completely ignoring Jayden.

“What do you mean?” Kaylie quietly asked, clutching Totodile tightly. The blue crocodile glared at Alexander, returning his intense stare.

“You’re free to join Team Lustrous. You’ll be protected at all times, we can give you access to things that not even powerful company directors can see, and we can help you on your quest towards the Silver Conference!”

“I-I-I,” Kaylie stammered.

“Of course you’ll need to help Team Lustrous in their goals.” Alexander looked over at Jayden. “We need help in getting rid of the trash in this world…”

Kaylie stayed quiet. Totodile opened his large mouth, a stream of water shooting out. Much faster than expected, Tyranitar dashed to Alexander’s side, throwing his arm between him and Totodile. The water reflected off Tyranitar’s arm, hitting Totodile in the face.

“This is but an example of how we can make you and your Pokémon stronger,” Alexander said. He grabbed Kaylie by the shoulder and pulled her in for a hug, placing his hand on her head. “Family needs to stick together. Remember that.”

Alexander kissed his sister’s forehead before motioning to Tyranitar to follow him as he walked back towards the town. Once he vanished over the hill, Kaylie placed Totodile on the ground and ran over to Jayden. Totodile followed, still glaring in Alexander’s direction.

“Are you okay?” Kaylie asked, tears streaming down her face.

“I’m fine,” he replied, shakily standing up, one hand still on his jaw. “I’m worried that Cyndaquil isn’t. She took a really hard hit. How come you never told me that guy was your brother?”

“It’s kind of hard to talk about…” Kaylie turned away, her hand on her mouth as she sobbed. “That’s the closest he’s gotten to me in six years! Things just aren’t the same anymore!”

“We should get back to the rest spot. I want to make sure Cyndaquil is okay.”

The entire walk back was silent, minus Cyndaquil’s occasional groan. When they returned back to the spot where they stopped for a rest, Burton and Hope had already been sitting down around a fire. The conversation they were having stopped immediately stopped when they saw Kaylie and Jayden. Jumping up they instantly asked if they were okay. After a quick explanation from Kaylie, Burton rummaged through his bag and pulled out a small yellow bottle.

“Spray this on Cyndaquil,” he told Jayden.

“What is it?” Jayden asked, taking the bottle.

“It’s a medicine I bought a while ago. You seem to need it a whole lot more than I do. It will heal Cyndaquil’s wounds faster than normal at the cost of a little pain.”

Closing his eyes, Jayden sprayed Cyndaquil a few times, making sure to cover all the scratches and bruises. The fire type began to fidget as the medicine soaked in. The fire on her back instantly blazed as she let out a cry. Jayden turned her around and hugged her tightly. His hands began to burn, but he held on tight and soon after she calmed down, the fire disappearing. Quiet snores came from the Pokémon as she snuggled closer to Jayden instinctively.

“Don’t worry Cyndaquil,” Jayden whispered. “We’ll get him back. There’s no way I’m going to let him get away with this…”
 
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Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
“Hey now, I’ve started to get used to this,” said Jayden a little defensively.
I feel like that would sound a little better if it was like "Hey now, I've started to get used to this," Jayden said, sounding slightly defensive.

Shaking her head, Hope didn’t give Jayden a verbal response. A slight wind blew over the landscape, leaves dancing in it. High in the sky, the moon was full, illuminating the route. Because of the absence of lights, the stars were much more brilliant, more constellations able to be seen. Hoothoot and Noctowl could be seen occasionally flying overhead.
Felt like this bit would have been easier to read if you made a new paragraph after Hope shook her head.

gaze back ahead of her once she saw he noticed her eyes.
Felt like that would have been better if you added 'that', between saw, and he. gaze back ahead of her once she saw that he noticed her eyes

His eyes were gently
I think you meant 'gentle'

Sitting up, she looked at Totodile a little confused
I think that would work better with a comma after Totodile

Placing his lips on her forehead, Alexander kissed his sister’s forehead before motioning to
The two forehead's that close together bugged me a little bit. Instead of using forehead twice, you could have used 'brow', in place of one of them.

Placing his lips on her brow, Alexander kissed his sister’s forehead before motioning to

All in all, I liked the chapter. Besides the things I mentioned, I think you've really been showing improvement from the first chapters I started reading. One thing I especially like is how you describe the characters stammering in intense situations. Which is what would happen in the situations I'm describing. You describe fear nicely, be proud of that.

As for Alexander being Kaylie's sister. I thought it was a nice twist. I'm sure its well thought out, and has alot of meaning to the story later on. I'm excited to see the dynamic between those two grow, and look forward to reading more about it.

Good job!
 

Glover

Pain in Rocket side
Alrgith, here I go. Last push.

CH6
HOLY HECK WHO'S THIS? Where'd this Jayden character come from? [sarcasm]

“Good job with your capture,” Kaylie complimented, clapping as she approached him. “Now it’s my turn to find something.”

“Good luck,” Jayden said, Cyndaquil jumping on his shoulder.
I have to be honest, the Aipom appearing so closely to the Pidgey seems to be a bit too quick for me. More time, another short paragraph of "Let's meet Pidgey" or something to break it up. Right now, both captures are well written, but it feels a lot like "Oh crap Jayden's got three Pokemon, I have to catch Kaylie up."

“We need to go out tonight.”

“Why do you say that?”

“It’s the last night before our gym battle. We should have some fun while we can. Last time we went out we had a blast.”
Need a hint as to who's saying what. One ghint would be fine, a single "Jayden asked" would suffice, as it proves that Kaylie started and Jaden's responding.

“No, but I’m guessing you do,” she replied giggling.

“It’s becau-” Before Jayden could finish Kaylie had wrapped his arm around her, her head leaning on his chest. Instantly he began to blush, not sure of what to do.

“Continue,” she said smiling at him.

“I-it’s because they have s-sodium in t-them,” he stammered, looking away. “Oh look a park. We should go and sit.”
Wierd. And not a Jayden wierd, it's just weird. Like a "This conversation is brought to you by the Sodium Light company of Johto!" plug of some kind. If tyhis is trying to build Jayden up as a know ir all, ir's not working, and doesn't fit my perception of the character. There are much more natural ways to break an awkward silence. "Lovely weather we're having" or "So, read anything good lately" being the cliche ones.

“Can I ask you something?” Kaylie asked.

“Sure,” Jayden replied, still not looking at her.

“What’s it like to have parents?”
I've been called on this in my fics, so I could be wrong, but I'd suggest getting rid of the Kaylie asked. It's repetitive, you have "Can i ask you something" not twelve words away. Also, with as short as the conversation is, and with Jayden replied on the next line, it's not a problem to figure out it's Kaylie talking, she's the only other human being in the story.

“What’s it like to have parents?”
THAT's not out of left-field...

“Well, I like you too,” he admitted.
Comma after Well, and possibly a little more feeling into it, maybe some sheepish hesitation or something.

Kaylie smiled, burying her face into his chest, trying to hide her face from him
word repetition again. Pronouns are our friends here.

Much better though, best chapter so far.

---
With this chapter the First Journey Arc is over! For a last chapter I say it is pretty good. A little plot develops as well as a shocking revelation. It is considerably longer than any other chapter, but not too long. After this we will head into the Team Lustrous Arc, a part of the story that will include A LOT of character development. I should have character bios up later today. Enjoy!
Whoah, whoah. Hold up a minute. Nothing's ending here. This isn't an "arc, this is, at best, a "season", but just because you're introducing a somewhat new side, this one doesn't necessarily end. There's been no climax to it, no falling action, we barely met Jayden before the "last chapter", we're still under the same heading here. Now, when and or if they reach the Silver Conference, THEN you can call it a new arc, weven something like the Whirl Islands can be called a Side arc, but this is not an ending of an arc. [/pet-peeve rant]

---
CH7

Flying types huh? Jayden thought, his face scrunching. Weedle won’t be of much help. Looks like I’ll have to use Pidgey and Cyndaquil.

Picking up one of the magazines, Jayden sat back down and began to look through it. Most of the articles had been about Falkner and his Pokémon. On the back there was an ad for a body spray called Sky. In the ad was Falkner, his hair flipping behind him.
Flaw in most journey battles. Weedle is of no use, so I'll use the starter Pokemon I've used exactly twice now, and the Pidghey I caught YESTERDAY and have absolutely no aquaintence or battle dynamic with... This can't go as well as it should.

“Yeah,” the man answered, “two kids.”

“Good, good.” The boy looked around the elevator, whistling so he could break the silence.

“Is this your first gym battle?” the man asked, coming off just as awkward as Jayden.
Yay for well written awkward silences!

Gym battle: Well versed. Could use a little general improvement here and there in charactering the Pokemon, but it's a good match. For example though: Soem cockiness out of Pidgeotto would be nice, and Weedle ought o be either extrmeely scared or fakind confidence, or something, and probably respondiing to Pidgeotto like he would in the wild. Tieing them up is probably close to right for that though, but regardless, based on how the soty handles Weedle, we've seen little training out of him, other than Ledyba, and little work with the gym types.

One point of retcon though, didn't Kaylie tell him back in Cherrygrove that Falkner was into the flyers? Didn't HE say that Ledyba and WEeedle wouldn't be much help there, and someone said "all I see are Rattata, Caterpie, and Weedle, all food for flying types. So seeing Jayden go up to the counter to find out what Pokemon they used was a bit like you forgot a part you already told us. Far as introucing Falknerr that way, Jayden can still go up and study the picture as a nervous habit.

“That woman, Lillian Sector, is my mother!”
Sign of a good writer, you drop clues to parts of the story in previous chapters and then make them matter. Good for you. Maybe a little longer wait for some of them though than the next chapter, I like having strange seemingly pointless tangents in my hand, and then finding out what the author plans to do with them.


CH8
 
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Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
The final chapter of the Team Lustrous arc is here. I hope you enjoyed them while they were visiting. They'll be back later. I didn't get to introduce as many officers as I wanted to, but I'll fix that later. Now poll time! Jayden, Hope, Kaylie, Alexander; who's the best? Still working on some biographies. Expect a large amount soon. I know I've been promising for a while, but I will get them to you guys. Here is the final chapter of the Team Lustrous Arc. Enjoy!


Chapter 13: Fading Light


“Jayden, you can’t do this! Stop!”

“I’ve made up my mind. There’s no stopping me. This is something I need to do.”

“Would you please think about this? I’m sorry that my brother hurt you. Let’s just move on!”

Pushing past Kaylie, Jayden began his walk towards the town where he presumed Team Lustrous was stationed at. His eyebrows arched, Jayden had an intense look in his eyes. He clutched Cyndaquil’s Poké Ball in his hand, his entire arm shaking. Running in front of him, Kaylie put her hands on his shoulders, looking him in the eyes.

“Please,” she pleaded, “can we just move on and forget this?”

Jayden pushed her aside, avoiding her gaze. “I can’t let them wrong us again. They killed my mother, kidnapped Hope’s brother and now they’re trying to take you away. I won’t let them get away with this.”

“Someone else say something to him!” Kaylie cried.

“Jayden wait,” said Hope.

He turned his head, not stopping as she ordered. “I told you there’s nothing-”

“I’m going with you.” Standing up, Hope walked over to Jayden, giving him a nod. She understood how he felt and shared similar feelings. “I wouldn’t dare try to stop you. My brother could be there. I’m not going to let him slip out of my grasp this time.”

Jayden simply nodded back. He gave Burton a nod which Burton returned. Tears began to stream down Kaylie’s face. She turned away from Jayden, her hand covering her mouth. The two began to walk before Kaylie turned back, wiping her face.

“You two better come back!” she yelled.

Jayden just held up his hand, not returning a vocal response. The entire way to the city wall was in silence, both trainers focused on what lie ahead. Placing Cyndaquil’s Poké Ball back onto his belt, Jayden cracked his knuckles. A bright light shined a few hundred feet in front of them, coming from a helicopter above. Signaling for her to follow, Jayden ran to the wall, sticking to it, with Hope close behind. The light traveled away before disappearing. After looking both ways, they began to walk along the wall, careful to avoid any lights from the helicopters.

“Do you see that opening?” Jayden asked Hope, his voice barely above a whisper. She responded with a simple nod. “We should go in from there. That way no one will see us.”

The opening Jayden had been a hole that extended from the ground about three feet up. It was barely wider than Jayden’s waist, making for the perfect fit. Slipping through, Jayden pulled Hope through, looking around him and seeing no one.

“Just as I thought,” Jayden said with a smirk. Just as he was about to take a step a bolt of lightning struck the ground near him. He could feel the heat come off it, his body freezing the moment it hit.

“Don’t move,” a voice said from the wall. Looking up he could see a figure in the Team Lustrous uniform, but instead of the usual robe it consisted of a blouse like top and skirt. Two pigtails came off the side of the figure’s head, the blonde color shining in the moonlight. The figure jumped from the wall, landing not too far from the two trainers.

“Who are you?” Jayden asked, a bead of sweat trickling down his forehead.

“Captain Liz is in your presence!” the girl known as Liz said. “You show some respect!”

“You’re a captain of Team Lustrous?” asked Hope. “But you’re a little girl.”

“Not everyone can be a prodigy like me.” Liz smirked. A small creature appeared next to her, its yellow coat bright even in the dark. It possessed a tail that was shaped like a lightning bolt, a spot of brown on it. Perking its ears up, the Pokémon looked at Jayden and Hope with disinterest. “Pikachu, I think we need to teach them a lesson. What do you say? How about one more battle?”

Jayden gritted his teeth, slightly backing up as Pikachu approached them. Trying to think of a way out, Jayden touched one of his Poké Balls. Hope stood still; sweat slowly exiting the pores on her temple. Pikachu sighed as he crossed his arms.

“Please tell me you have a Pokémon other than Noctowl,” Jayden whispered to Hope.

“He’s all I got,” she replied, starting to back up as well.

Jayden quickly grabbed a Poké Ball from his belt, tossing it into the air. “Looks like we have no choice then!”

Pidgey emerged from the Poké Ball with his usual loop around his opponent. Looking down he saw the Electric Mouse Pokémon and let out a scoff. The bird swooped down low, flying right by Pikachu. The mouse didn’t appear fazed, the same bored expression on his face.

“A flying type is a bad matchup against an electric type,” the captain said, wagging her finger. “You should know better than that.”

“My Pidgey can handle it,” Jayden told her, confidence ringing in his voice. “Go, Gust attack!”

Pidgey lowered himself to Pikachu’s eye level, flying straight at him. Pikachu still did not move, his arms folded and no fear in his eye. Just before colliding, Pidgey stopped, flapping his wings furiously. Pikachu was trapped within Pidgey’s tornado, walls of wind surrounding him. Once the tornado appeared, the emotionless demeanor of Pikachu disappeared. His arms unfolded, his eyes started to water. Pikachu was scared.

“Pikachu, no!” cried Liz.

“Uh, is Pikachu scared of Pidgey?” Jayden wondered, looking slightly confused. “Knock him against the wall!”

With another flap of his wings, Pidgey blew Pikachu into the tornado. Bouncing around the inside, Pikachu let out small screams of pain and terror. Pidgey landed, his wings spread, ready for another attack. Once the tornado vanished, Pikachu hit the ground with a hard thud. Shaking off the dizziness he got from the tornado throwing him around, Pikachu stood, stumbling a bit.

“Hit him with Sand Attack!” Jayden called.

Pidgey flapped his wings again, ascending slightly. The dust below him kicked up, a bit of sand hitting Pikachu in the eyes. The electric type tried to rub it out of his eyes, but the more he rubbed the more it became agitated. With his wings glow, Pidgey swooped in, whacking Pikachu in the face. The mouse fell to the ground, the sand still in his eyes.

“Wait, are you seriously a captain?” Hope asked.

“Um, y-yes!” Liz stammered.

Coming around again, Pidgey knocked Pikachu back to the ground soon after he stood. Jayden recalled Pidgey, putting his Poké Ball away. “There’s no way you’re part of Team Lustrous. They’re way stronger than this.”

“I am too in Team Lustrous! I’m wearing the uniform right?” Liz recalled Pikachu, sticking her tongue out at Jayden. “I’m just not taking you seriously. You’re lucky I decided to take it easy on you!”

Hope walked over to the girl, noting that she was nearly a head taller. Liz cowered, slightly backing up. “You’re not a captain are you?”

Balling her hands, Liz let out a sigh. Tears began forming in her eyes. “No. I’m just looking for a person in Team Lustrous that I must get revenge on!”

“Sounds like we have the same intentions,” Jayden said. “We’re looking for someone as well. Actually two people.”

“Now who would that be?”

The voice sent chills up Jayden’s spine as it came from behind the group. Before even turning he knew who it was. Not too far from away stood Alexander and ten grunts. The commander had a sly smile on his face, his arms folded. All the grunts held a Poké Ball in their hands, some smiling and others stone faced.

“Well you just saved me the trouble of looking for you,” said Jayden. As he touched one of his Poké Balls, the grunts prepared to throw theirs. Alexander held out his arm, halting his men and women.

“You grunts are too weak. I’ll handle these intruders. Tyranitar, ready for a midnight snack?”

“Cyndaquil, standby for battle!”

Both Pokémon emerged, staring each other down. Cyndaquil crouched low, slightly growling at the large beast. Tyranitar looked down at Cyndaquil, his eyes piercing the fire type’s soul. The other members of Team Lustrous grunted, disappointed that they didn’t get to battle.

“Jayden, are you insane?!” Hope asked bewildered. “Cyndaquil doesn’t stand a chance against Tyranitar!”

“I won’t lose to him.” Jayden didn’t avert his gaze from Alexander as he spoke. “I’m going to stop him here and then we’re going to get your brother.”

Hope pulled out her own Poké Ball, sending in Noctowl. The owl flew around Tyranitar, keeping a close eye on him. “I’m not going to back out again. This time we’ll battle together.”

Alexander laughed hysterically, pointing at the two Pokémon that opposed him. “You’re going to try and battle me with those two? Tyranitar let’s end this quickly.”

“Cyndaquil use Ember!” Jayden ordered.

“Noctowl use Air Slash!” shouted Hope.

Both Pokémon circled Tyranitar, going in opposite directions. Cyndaquil jumped at Tyranitar’s side, releasing the small fireballs while Noctowl flew slightly above him, flapping his wings. Small gusts of wind hit Tyranitar in the side of his head, making the rock type slightly tilt it. The fireballs hit him in the stomach, scorching his “armor”. He simply scratched the burn spot, implying he hardly felt it.

“Let’s end Cyndaquil first,” said Alexander. “Tyranitar, use Earthquake.”

“Noctowl, get Cyndaquil on your back!” Hope yelled.

Swooping in for her, Noctowl flew above the ground, Cyndaquil jumping onto his back. Tyranitar slammed his foot into the ground milliseconds after. A shockwave was sent through, cracking it in spots. Jayden felt a sharp pain in his knees and fell to the ground. The only person left standing was Alexander, a wicked smile on his face.

“Now Stone Edge!” he shouted.

Several stones appeared in a ring around Tyranitar. Much like in his battle against Noctowl, Tyranitar launched them into the air at the flying type. Diving down, the owl managed to dodge a few. Saving one, Tyranitar shot it out. Cyndaquil grabbed onto Noctowl’s feathers, yanking to her right. Noctowl did a barrel roll, the stone barely grazing his wing. Once they were upright again, they charged. Cyndaquil unleashed more fireballs, hitting Tyranitar in the face this time.

“Your weak fire attacks won’t do anything to my Tyranitar!” Alexander shouted, laughing maniacally.

“There has to be a weak spot somewhere,” Jayden said, sweat covering his face.

“What about those small black spots?” Hope asked, pointing out the small black triangles on Tyranitar’s legs and near his neck.

“It’s worth a shot. Cyndaquil, shoot an Ember at the black triangles!”

Noctowl ascended, giving Cyndaquil proper leverage. Releasing the fireballs again, Cyndaquil jumped over Tyranitar, landing back on Noctowl on the other side. The fireballs hit barely off the triangles, missing by no more than a few inches. Flying back around, Cyndaquil fired again. Tyranitar held up his arm, blocking the embers with his forearm. With a big yawn, the rock type scratched his arm, waiting for Alexander to give him another command.

“Are you getting bored Tyranitar?” Alexander asked. Tyranitar let out a low roar to which Alexander nodded. “We’ll play a little more than finish them.”

“Go on Cyndaquil, jump and use Flame Wheel!” Jayden ordered.

Noctowl flew around Tyranitar, barely above his back. Cyndaquil jumped at him, flames engulfing his body. Alexander shook his head, smiling and chuckling. Just before the attack could hit, Tyranitar grabbed Cyndaquil out the air, not even looking at her. The flames instantly vanished in his grip. Cyndaquil struggled, but she couldn’t get loose.

“Cyndaquil, no!” cried Jayden.

“Noctowl get in there and release Cyndaquil!” Hope called.

Noctowl flew down to help his friend, but Tyranitar was prepared for this. His free claw began to glow. Before Noctowl could reach Cyndaquil, Tyranitar slashed him, sending Noctowl to the ground. Jayden pulled out his Poké Ball and tried to recall Cyndaquil, but the red beam couldn’t reach her.

“Now use Shadow Claw!” Alexander shouted.

A purple energy surrounded Tyranitar’s free claw. He began to swipe at Cyndaquil when he suddenly stopped. Tyranitar’s face was surprised, his grip around Cyndaquil loosening. He dropped the fire type, slightly stumbling backwards. Just in front of the rock type was a black and blue figure. It had large black ears and a blue tail that curved. It resembled a jackal with two large spikes on the back of its forepaws.

“Nice job Lucario,” said a voice from behind Jayden. Turning slightly he saw a man in a black cloak. Standing behind him was a group of nearly thirty, all of them garbed in black attire. The man had a large smile on his face.

“WHAT?!” shouted Alexander as Tyranitar fell. “It-it’s-it’s…It’s you!”

“I don’t usually go by you,” the man said, stepping in front of Jayden. “I usually go by Dimitrios; Leader of the Black Organization!”
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Jayden simply nodded back. He gave Burton a nod which Burton returned.
Felt like there was one too many 'nods'. Two right there, and one in the previous paragraph. Might try using a different word in place of one of them. Instead of 'He gave Burton a nod which Burton returned.', you might say 'He inclined his head in Burton's direction, who returned it just as quickly'...Obviously not a mistake. Just something I tripped over when I was reading.

With his wings glow, Pidgey swooped
May sound better as 'aglow'

All the grunts held a Poké Ball in their hands, some smiling and others stone faced.
You might think about rewriting the bolded portion. It sounded kinda awkward as I was reading

Small gusts of wind hit Tyranitar in the side of his head, making the rock type slightly tilt it.
I don't think that the 'it' at the end of the sentence is something that you need. With it there, the sentence doesn't really make sense.

I usually go by Dimitrios; Leader of the Black Organization!”
Hmmm. Lucario too huh? I'm excited


One thing that irked me slightly was how fast Jayden and Hope went from leaving the group to track down Alexander, to spotted, to battling him. It just seemed rushed, like you were just eager to get to the main battle scene without describing things as you went. The pacing was off, just happened a bit too fast. Don't be afraid to slow things down to describe individual emotions, surrounding's, scenery, etc. It paints a nice picture and makes for an enjoyable read when you do so.

“Jayden, are you insane?!” Hope asked bewildered.
I really liked that Hope said that. It's not uncommon for a situation like Cyndaquil taking on Tyranitar to happen in the anime, but I really feel like it would be in an actual situation. Calling into light that the situation is hopeless and in no way winnable is really realistic. Especially since Hope knows exactly how long Jayden and Alexander have both been training Pokemon. Besides the obvious power and evolution differences, the sheer level of experience Alexander must have to get his Tyranitar to that point should show Jayden that it's beyond irresponsible to challenge him. I know he was mad, and out for vengeance, but it seems like he has a bit of a deathwish. I liked how casually bored you made Tyranitar, it made for a really good read. I've also always been a fan of main characters losing fights. Nice touch on that

All in all, I liked the chapter. Not a surprise though. I've read every chapter you've posted and I can easily connect with the characters now, which is good. Just be aware of pacing and scale. Make sure to also take the time to describe things as neatly and evenly as possible. You're doing very well, keep it up!
 

3D992

The Living Hologram
Yay! The black organisation! I cant wait for chap14!
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Finally the start of the Black Organization Arc. I know 3D has been waiting for this. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Expect a lot more Black Organization later on in the arc. Another return this chapter. I expect this one to surprise most. With that here is Encounter with the Darkness. Enjoy!

Chapter 14: Encounter with the Darkness

“Dimitrios…Curse you!”

“You won’t get away this time, Alexander. Surrender now!”

Jayden watched in awe as the man in black shouted to Alexander. His Lucario easily took down Alexander’s Tyranitar. Dimitrios began to walk towards Alexander, the latter recalling his Pokémon. The Team Lustrous commander chuckled, backing away slightly.

“Trying to cause a commotion are we now, Dimitrios?” The voice was smooth and subtle, coming from behind the Lustrous grunts. Aeolus stood in the middle of his grunts, his long hair flowing in the wind.

“That seems to be all we can do when we meet up old friend,” Dimitrios said with a smirk. “Now it’s time for you to give up your plans.”

“On the contrary,” replied Aeolus, stepping in front of Alexander. “I think it’s time that I kicked them into full gear.”

Pulling a Poké Ball out of his robes, Aeolus held it above his head. Dimitrios pulled his own out, recalling his Lucario. The two men stood, staring in each other’s eyes. Neither made a move nor a sound. Aeolus slowly lowered his Poké Ball before signaling his team to move out. Alexander gave Dimitrios one last glare before following the rest of Team Lustrous, disappearing on the other side of the wall.

“Are you three okay?” Dimitrios asked, turning to the three children.

“Yeah we’re fine,” Jayden said, picking up Cyndaquil. She looked up at him, a smile on her face.

“Who are you?” asked Hope as she moved closer to Jayden, Noctowl landing on her shoulder. “You beat that Tyranitar like it was nothing.”

“My name is Dimitrios,” he introduced himself. “I am the leader of The Black Organization.”

Jayden flinched when he heard The Black Organization. Jumping back, he pulled Hope with him, creating a distance between them.

“What do you want?” Jayden asked cautiously, remembering that Burton told him they were bad news.

“You have no need to worry about us,” Dimitrios told him with a laugh. “Unlike Aeolus, our goals don’t involve innocent people. Until you get involved with us, we won’t bother you.”

Jayden gritted his teeth, holding Cyndaquil close. Dimitrios turned and made motions with his hands at the rest of his syndicate. With just a nod, the men and women of The Black Organization disappeared into the shadows.

“There’s one thing you should know kids,” said Dimitrios as he began to walk away. “You can either ascend to the light and become blinded or you can fall into darkness and lose your way. You will have to make your choice sooner or later because Johto can’t make it on her own.”

Stepping into the shadows, Dimitrios disappeared as well. Jayden fell to his knees, putting Cyndaquil on the ground. His body shook with fear, his mind racing. Cyndaquil stood in front of her trainer, placing her tiny hand on his shoulder.

“We’ll need to become stronger,” he said. “Next time we can’t lose, not to either of them.”

-------------------------------------

“Ascend to the light or fall to darkness?”

“That’s what he said.”

“What do we do?”

“There’s only one thing we can do; keep training and make sure that if we run into them again we won’t lose.”

Back at the fire, Kaylie and Burton had been sitting and conversing. When Hope and Jayden returned they explained what had happened behind the town’s walls. Kaylie had been happy they came back okay while Burton tried to figure out the meaning behind what Dimitrios had said. Deciding it was best they stay on that route for another night, the group drifted off to sleep, one by one.

The sun slowly began to raise, rays shining in the trainers eyes. The first to wake was Kaylie. Jumping up she looked around, rubbing her eyes. Chirping from the Pidgey was the only sound around, the birds flying overhead. Kaylie stood, looking out into the blue sky, not a cloud in sight. Walking off towards the town, she looked up at the sky, a slight pink tint to it. The wind blew over her, her hair floating in it. A black smoke came from a few smokestacks atop the buildings in the town. Without stopping, Kaylie walked past the walls, finding herself in the middle of the settlement. There was no one outside around her; no Pokémon and no people.

“I thought you’d be here.”

The voice made Kaylie jump. She looked around, but couldn’t see anyone. Shaking her head, she decided it was her imagination playing tricks on her. A pressure was placed on her shoulder. It felt as if someone had gripped her shoulder. Turning once again, Kaylie saw nothing.

“What’s going on with me,” Kaylie whispered, falling to her knees.

“You’re conflicted.”

The voice came from in front of her this time. Appearing before her was a woman of about twenty-five. She had long flowing blonde hair, wearing a red bow to hold her bangs back. The white dress she wore was extremely elegant, as if she was attending a formal event. Her face looked just like Kaylie’s. She had the same eyes, nose, everything.

“Who…who are you?” Kaylie asked in awe.

“Why I’m your mother,” the woman said with a smile.

Inside Kaylie’s heart, a warm feeling began to intensify. Without even questioning it, Kaylie knew the woman was her mother. A feeling told her so. She wanted to reach out and touch her. She wanted to fall into her arms and have the woman tell her everything would be okay. Sadness and uncertainty rooted her to her spot on the ground.

“What do you mean I’m conflicted?” Kaylie asked, now standing.

“You feel loyalty to two different people,” the woman explained. “You feel loyal to your brother because, well, he’s your brother. He’s the closest family you have. Then your friends seem like your family and you feel a sense of loyalty to them and don’t want them to get hurt.”

“Then what do I do?” the girl asked desperately. “How can I choose between them? Alexander has been there for me all the time growing up…but Jay…Jayden…”

Her mother chuckled, placing her hand on Kaylie’s shoulder again as her daughter began to cry, tears falling to the ground. “You’ll figure it out dear. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. And I know your friends will be there for you.”

“How can you be so sure? I don’t know if they’ll treat me the same knowing that my brother has given me a decision like this.”

“Something tells me that you’re wrong there dear.”

The woman pointed behind Kaylie to which she turned. At the wall of the city were Jayden, Hope, Cyndaquil, and Totodile. Totodile looked as if he was fighting back the urge to cry. Looking back at the woman, the last thing Kaylie saw was her smile before she vanished into the wind. Before she could ready herself, her Pokémon ran up to her, tears pouring out of his eyes. The water type tackled her to the ground, rubbing against her closely.

“We got worried about you,” Jayden said with Cyndaquil on his shoulder, holding her backpack above her. “I figured you would come here.”

“I guess next time it’s me who gets to run off alone,” Hope said with a chuckle.

Kaylie wiped the tears from her face, standing with Totodile in her arms. “Thanks guys. I just needed to find some answers. Where’s Burton?”

“He said he was going to check out the Ruins of Alp near Violet,” Jayden explained. “Since the contest here was cancelled he figured that he had enough time to do some exploring.”

“Speaking of which, what are you two going to do about your gym battle?” Hope asked. “This is where your next challenge was and no one’s here.”

“I don’t care,” said Kaylie with a smile. “Just as long as we can keep going.”

“Alright then!” Jayden exclaimed, punching the air. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it! Now let’s get moving on to the next town!”

-------------------------------------

“Three days since we’ve seen a town; three days since we’ve seen any other person besides us; three days since we-”

“I’m really starting to think you can only complain Jay.”

Three days after leaving the empty Azalea Town the group of three trainers found themselves lost in a forest. The trees were extremely tall, the tops not able to be seen. The sounds of fluttering wings and pincers clamping was all around them. They undoubtedly came from the many bug type Pokémon that inhabited the forest. Sunlight barely cracked through the forest roof, offering minimal light.

“Hope, do you have any idea of where you’re going?” Jayden asked.

Looking around, Hope bit her lip. “Of course I do,” she lied. “We just need to keep heading in this direction.”

“We’ve been heading in this direction for the past four hours,” said Kaylie. “I think I’ve seen that same Weedle three times now.”

Shaking her head, Hope continued to lead the way, heading in the same direction she insisted was right. A few hundred feet ahead, light poured into the forest from a large opening. With a smile, Hope pointed towards it. Kaylie and Jayden shrugged, still following her. Once they reached the light, Hope put her hand through it, a warm feeling flowing through her. Completely stepping through it, she emerged out to a clearing. A stream traveled through the middle, connecting to a large lake. The trees were much smaller, being only about thirteen feet tall. Kaylie and Jayden stepped through, their mouths slightly agape.

“We’re not out, but this place is pretty cool,” commented Jayden.

“I told you I knew where I was going,” Hope told them with a smirk.

A sudden movement on the other side of the clearing drew their attention, all three of them drawing a Poké Ball. Staying completely still, the trainers watched the spot where the movement came from, ready to toss their Poké Balls if they needed to. What emerged shocked Kaylie and Jayden, their hands falling back to their sides. It was a boy of about their age with short brown hair. He was clad in all black, the signature attire of The Black Organization. The boy stepped forward, a smile on his face.

“Marshall,” whispered Jayden.

“Kaylie, Jayden,” he called. “It’s been quite a while.”

“Marshall,” Kaylie asked, “why are you with the enemy?”
 
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Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Alexander gave on Dimitrios one last glare before following
Gave on? I think that would be better if 'on' was removed.

Stepping into the shadows, Dimitrios disappeared as well, his entire presence vanishing.
That really didn't sound quite right to me. Obviously his presence vanished if he disappeared. I just didn't think 'presence vanishing' was necessary

A sudden movement on the other side of the clearing drew their attention, all three of them drawing a Poké Ball.
I liked that. Comparing the Pokeballs to a gun was a nice touch. If that's what you were doing, lol.

Marshall being affiliated with the black organization was unexpected, and was an addition I liked. Though I thought how Kaylie phrased that last question was somewhat awkward. Not only that, but I felt like the chapter ended somewhat oddly. Like it was ended before it should have been. I liked it quite a deal, just felt like it was over much sooner than it should have.

Besides the portions I mentioned, I enoyed the chapter. I like that the black organization was introduced and am excited to see what their plans are and what exactly they are all about. For some reason, I find myself liking Kaylie more and more. I'm not exactly sure why, but every chapter, I hope for more development from her. I'm drawn to her take on things and her thoughts. I'm pretty sure her mother was an apparition of some kind, but I'm not entirely convinced; nice touch.

Good job on the chapter, and make sure you let me know when the next one is up!
 

fixthe_fernback

I am a fic-man
Appearing before her was a woman of about twenty-five
From a simple look, I feel like this is just a bit too specific. I know, I know, how could that be a problem? Specificity is great, but this just seemed...off to me.

Perhaps saying, "Appearing before her was a woman who looked to be in her mid-twenties..." would have been better? I dunno, you're the writer, so it's obviously your call.

Other than some mistakes that Sidewinder already brought to attention, there wasn't much wrong with this chapter. It was a great read and I look forward to the next chapter, as always! Keep up the good work.
 

3D992

The Living Hologram
Oooooo, the enemy. I still like the black organization! Good chap!
 

Glover

Pain in Rocket side
No it doesn't seem like that at all. Just stating what you think. I don't know if you remember, but Burton knows them and has known them for quite a while, well minus Hope. The reason they don't tell him is they want to put it behind them and focus more on their journey and since they have no idea who is responsible (yet) they can't have any feelings of vengeance. I should have handled that situation better. I'll work on that next time I have a similar event. I'm from Arizona too. What are you doing up at this time? :p
me getting caught up and speed reading. I have to agree with VT, the Unity City(?) bi there was a bit of a hit-and-run scene with no onsequences. It doesn't have to be vengence, pure anger and fear can be quite an achor on one's psyche, and Hope's already vulnerable seeing her brother. Say all she wants about feeling better, opne does not recover from having someone slip through your fingers like that. Take it from someone who's seen death, who's been in similar shoes to jayden's (well, cancer, not a world-dominating crime syndicate) there's no emotional off switch. It's got to drag out longer than that, some kind of funk or false fronting, or something.
Not too far from the hand was a plush Cyndaquil. Jayden lost feeling in his legs, dropping to his knees. Grabbing onto the plush he did the only thing he could do.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
What the? Why is Jayden grabbing random people's stuffed animals? That makes no sense at all. And personal preference, but I feel that the quotation there failed to capture the emotion there that Jayden was due. More fond of the "He screamed" cliffhangers myself, but that's me.

The two boys dropped their bags, nearly falling to the ground. Kaylie laughed as she sat her bag down, taking a seat next to Jayden. Slightly red she looked over at him, snapping her gaze back ahead of her once she saw that he noticed her eyes. Shrugging it off Jayden pulled out a Poké Ball, tossing it in the air. Cyndaquil emerged with a flip, looking around her when she landed.

“We’re not in a battle Cyndaquil,” Jayden told her, chuckling a little bit.

The small fire type blushed as she snuggled under her trainer’s arm, trying to hide her embarrassment. Kaylie looked over again, this time maintaining her gaze when Jayden’s eyes met hers. Burton noticed his friends locking eyes and stood quickly, brushing his pants off.
yay for Cyndaquil!

You know, this everyone's related thing seems a little chinsy. Maybe not, but I'm waiting for Burton to be a cousin...

We’ll play a little more then finish them.”
“I don’t usually go by you,” the man said, stepping in front of Jayden. “I usually go by Dimitrios; Leader of the Black Organization!”
/rimshot

“We’ve been heading in this direction for the past four hours,” said Kaylie. “I think I’ve seen that same Weedle three times now.”
Coming from Kaylie, that's funny. Usually though, going in the same direction is a good sign. it's going in circles that's the real problem.

“Marshall,” whispered Jayden.

“Kaylie, Jayden,” he called. “It’s been quite a while.”

“Marshall,” Kaylie said, “why are you with the enemy?”
Intriguing confrontation. However, it shoudl read Kaylie asked, since it's a part fo a question.

That should get me caught up to the next chapter. Can't wait to review it.

Jayden's come a long way from the start. You've done a great job wit Cyndy, let's see fi we can't get something out of the other Pokemon, shall we? Hope's a mediocre character. Made a strong intro, but her post Sam feelings are shaky at times. She'll get there though.

The Burton battle held nothing really great, the banter was good but it felt like an "Oh, I need to show off some Pokemon" scene. Also, while a Tyranitar weathering a Cyndaquil is highly realistic, it felt repetitive after a while. Let's see someone get in a lucky shot sometime, maybe some pepper spray that makes it cry or something.

Lastly, your comment about not havign Pokegears sits funny with me. On the one hand, you have Burton commenting about Marshall dropping him a line, he'd need a phone to do that. On the other, game-liek or not, let's face it. Everyone in this day and age has a cellular device, and we aren;t going out in the world for years on end in soul-searching missions. And your story is hardly anything like the games, having a Pokegear will not change that. Something to keep in mind.

PS, Light or Dark huh? In that case, I choose Team Kyruem. Hooray for man-eating monsters!
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
me getting caught up and speed reading. I have to agree with VT, the Unity City(?) bi there was a bit of a hit-and-run scene with no onsequences. It doesn't have to be vengence, pure anger and fear can be quite an achor on one's psyche, and Hope's already vulnerable seeing her brother. Say all she wants about feeling better, opne does not recover from having someone slip through your fingers like that. Take it from someone who's seen death, who's been in similar shoes to jayden's (well, cancer, not a world-dominating crime syndicate) there's no emotional off switch. It's got to drag out longer than that, some kind of funk or false fronting, or something.
I know that feel bro. I've known death for too long and it's still plaguing my life. I reacted just as Jayden did and recovered just as fast.

What the? Why is Jayden grabbing random people's stuffed animals? That makes no sense at all. And personal preference, but I feel that the quotation there failed to capture the emotion there that Jayden was due. More fond of the "He screamed" cliffhangers myself, but that's me.
Hey hey! Stuffed Cyndaquil, please. Anyway, in most movies I've seen when something like that is found the character can't help but pick it up. I think it helps them connect with the child that originally had possession of it. Besides, that thing isn't done quite yet.

yay for Cyndaquil!
I know who your favorite character is. :p

You know, this everyone's related thing seems a little chinsy. Maybe not, but I'm waiting for Burton to be a cousin...
Sorry to let you down, but Burton is just a friend. The only people that are related are Alexander and Kaylie, then Sam and Hope. Aside from that there are no siblings....yet.


Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Coming from Kaylie, that's funny. Usually though, going in the same direction is a good sign. it's going in circles that's the real problem.
Ah crap. I meant circles and it came out wrong. Oh well.

Intriguing confrontation. However, it shoudl read Kaylie asked, since it's a part fo a question.
Fixed.

That should get me caught up to the next chapter. Can't wait to review it.
Added to the VM list.

Jayden's come a long way from the start. You've done a great job wit Cyndy, let's see fi we can't get something out of the other Pokemon, shall we? Hope's a mediocre character. Made a strong intro, but her post Sam feelings are shaky at times. She'll get there though.
Hope is a weird character. I wanted to make her much older than Kaylie and Jayden, but she turned out around the same age. I want to develop her because she's actually one of my favorites, but every time she ends up as a plot device. That's why I gave her some spotlight in Fading Light. I'll begin to develop her soon; don't worry.

The Burton battle held nothing really great, the banter was good but it felt like an "Oh, I need to show off some Pokemon" scene.
It served to show just how deadly a coordinator's Pokemon can be i.e Abra. That and we've never seen Burton's team so I decided to give Jayden's Pokemon some training while showing Burton's Pokemon.

Also, while a Tyranitar weathering a Cyndaquil is highly realistic, it felt repetitive after a while. Let's see someone get in a lucky shot sometime, maybe some pepper spray that makes it cry or something.
What I tried to do with this was show that the difference in both experience and skill is very vast between Jayden and Alexander. While I don't have exact ages on some characters, Alexander is at least four years older than Kaylie and Jayden. I can't go into too much detail about him because....well you'll see!

Lastly, your comment about not havign Pokegears sits funny with me. On the one hand, you have Burton commenting about Marshall dropping him a line, he'd need a phone to do that. On the other, game-liek or not, let's face it. Everyone in this day and age has a cellular device, and we aren;t going out in the world for years on end in soul-searching missions. And your story is hardly anything like the games, having a Pokegear will not change that. Something to keep in mind.
I check on the Burton and Marshall thing and he said that Marshall hasn't dropped him a line. I don't know if people use that specifically for phones, but I use it for any type of communication whether it be a message, letter, phone call, or even having someone tell me something. The reason they don't have Pokegears is I don't really see who they would call besides their guardians and they can do that at a Pokemon Center. I'll look into communication devices though.

PS, Light or Dark huh? In that case, I choose Team Kyruem. Hooray for man-eating monsters!
Too bad he's not a choice! Make your decision! >:D

Many thanks for the reviews people. I'll be working really hard on the next chapter so it's in top form. Also I have a few projects that I plan on doing so keep your eyes out for that. I forgot to mention that I added Alexander's and Burton's biographies to the first post so don't forget to check those out. It sheds a little light on Alexander and when I say a little I mean a little. Chapter 15 should be up Monday or Tuesday.
 
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