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Hero's Bond [PG 13]

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
This is quite possibly the best fanfic I've read so far! Keep up the good work! ;)
Many thanks. I'll add you to the VM list. Next chapter WILL be released today. Had many things going on yesterday.
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Plot heavy chapter, but that's expected of this arc. I was planning on releasing this two days ago, but it wasn't quite finished. Return, new characters, and a history visited is what this chapter comprises of. It was a fun chapter to write. One of my favorites. I hope it's one of yours too. Now enjoy!

Chapter 15: The Midnight Sun

“Marshall, why are you with the enemy?”

“The Black Organization has plans for Johto; plans that will change everything for the better. They’re not your enemy.”

Balling his hand into a fist, Jayden shook in anger, watching as his friend approached them. From behind Marshall came three more people, all wearing similar uniforms. Marshall held out his hand, motioning for them to walk to him.

“You guys should join us,” he said. “We started this journey together so why not see it through to the end together?”

“Because we started this journey to find ourselves!” yelled Jayden. “We didn’t become Pokémon trainers to help some criminal syndicate accomplish their goals!”

Lowering his hand, Marshall looked over to Kaylie. “What do you think Kaylie?”

“Marshall…” whispered Kaylie, her hand covering her mouth. “I-I can’t. This isn’t right…”

“Then I’ll have to take care of you here and now.”

From his belt, Marshall pulled a Poké Ball. Kaylie gasped while Jayden and Hope pulled Poké Balls out as well. Hope and Jayden launched theirs, Noctowl and Pidgey emerging side by side. The two flying types flew near their trainers, waiting for Marshall to call out his Pokémon.

“Bayleef, front and center!” Marshall shouted.

From his Poké Ball came a creature that resembled a dinosaur. It was a shade of yellow, a dark green leaf atop its head. Around its neck were what appeared to be leaves as well, forming a ring. Stomping on the ground as it emerged, the Pokémon reared its head back and let out a cry.

“Your Chikorita evolved?!” Jayden asked startled.

“This is the type of power the Black Organization can offer you. Bayleef, hit them with Razor Leaf!”

Pidgey and Noctowl flew around Bayleef, attempting to get out of his range. Even with them on either side, Bayleef had a confident smile on his face. Swinging the leaf on his head around, razor sharp leaves shot out, hitting both Noctowl and Pidgey. The birds were taken aback, but didn’t sustain much damage.

“Pidgey, show him Wing Attack!” Jayden shouted.

“Noctowl, you use Air Slash right after the Pidgey’s attack!” Hope ordered.

Pidgey dove close to the ground, flying just barely above it. His wings began to glow as he neared Bayleef. The grass type was ready for Pidgey’s attack, jumping over the bird.

“Now Noctowl!” Hope yelled. “Air Slash before Bayleef can land!”

Noctowl flapped his wings vigorously, the wind slicing at Bayleef. Despite dodging Pidgey, Bayleef could not avoid Noctowl’s attack. The wind hit Bayleef all over, small cries of pain emitting from him. Two vines shot out of his neck, grabbing onto Noctowl, constricting his wings.

“Slam him into Pidgey!” called Marshall.

Pidgey began his way back towards Bayleef, trying to help his friend. Just before he could reach them, Bayleef launched Noctowl at him. The two flying types collided, slamming against a tree. Noctowl flew up as soon as they hit the tree, but Pidgey slid to the ground, breathing heavily.

“Pidgey!” Jayden called. He pulled out a Poké Ball, but Pidgey stood, shaking his head. Jayden slowly lowered the Poké Ball, knowing that Pidgey didn’t want to give up. “Alright then, use Gust!”

Shaking the pain off, Pidgey returned to the air, flapping his wings as hard as he could. The tornado he produced made its way towards Bayleef, bits and pieces of the ground being torn up.

“Out of the way, Bayleef,” Marshall said, the same confidence coming from him that came from Bayleef.

Another vine shot out from his neck. Grabbing onto a tree, Bayleef pulled himself to the opposite side of the tornado. Using the momentum, the grass type swung around the tree, hitting Pidgey in the back. Flipping forward, Pidgey turned to face Bayleef, unleashing a ball of wind from his wings. The ball of wind suddenly became surrounded in a blue aura. Letting go of the tree, Bayleef ran back to Marshall as he landed. The ball crashed through the trees, cracking them as it went.

“That would have been bad,” said Marshall, wiping a bit of sweat from his brow.

“Noctowl, Hypnosis!” commanded Hope.

Noctowl’s eyes began to glow blue as he flew towards Bayleef. In a split second he appeared in front of Bayleef, the latter shocked by his speed. The grass type stared deep into Noctowl’s eyes before nodding off to sleep.

“Go Pidgey,” called Jayden, “use Aerial Ace!”

Flying high into the sky, Pidgey crossed the crack in the forest ceiling. Just as he passed it, he began to glow for a split second. When he came back down, he had become bigger. Atop his head was a pink plumage. Black markings now surrounded his eyes. Pidgey had evolved into Pidgeotto! With speed comparable to Noctowl, Pidgeotto slammed into Bayleef, knocking him back into a tree. No longer asleep, Bayleef lay against the tree, not moving. Marshall quickly recalled him, a scowl on his face.

“I see you’ve become quite the trainer,” he commented. “You can become even stronger than this. Join us.”

“I don’t want anything to do with your criminal activity,” Jayden told him, Pidgeotto landing on his shoulder. “I told you I wouldn’t join you and that’s my final answer.”

“You’ll regret not joining us Jayden. I’ll make sure of that.” With those words, Marshall and the rest of the Black Organization disappeared back into the trees.

“So who exactly was that?” Hope asked as she recalled Noctowl.

“He used to be a friend,” Jayden replied. “Now he’s an enemy.”

-----------------------------------------

“They wouldn’t join us Dimitrios. They seemed definite in their answer. I lost on purpose like you said, but I don’t see what that accomplished.”

“Listen Marshall; they want to interfere in our plans. Since you lost that gives them the feeling of being stronger. When we meet again and crush them, their spirits will be broken and we will be there to pick them up as the newest members of the Black Organization. Now get your Pokémon checked and healed.”

Outside Azalea Town, Dimitrios looked over the small town, sitting on a hill that overlooked it. Marshall took a seat next to him after handing his Poké Ball to another member. The two looked on as people slowly returned to the town. Each day, more people learned that Team Lustrous had left, leaving the town without as much as a sound.

“We can’t let Team Lustrous succeed in their plans,” Dimitrios said. “We must stop them at all costs.”

“And what are their plans?” Marshall asked.

“They want to wipe anyone who doesn’t follow them off the face of the planet.” Dimitrios’ hands balled into fists, his hands shaking slightly.

“What?! Why would they want to do that?”

“Decades ago before there were a Black Organization or Team Lustrous, Aeolus and I had been Pokémon trainers. On our journey we came across many different tablets and such that told of a human, chosen by the light to begin the world anew. The tablet said those that follow the light would be spared and those who did not would be purged, forced into everlasting chaos.”

“He’s trying…to end the world…”

Dimitrios stood, looking down at the small group of townspeople that returned. “That’s where our plans fit in. Unbeknownst to Aeolus I had found another tablet that spoke of the darkness that the light would create. I am that darkness, the shadow of his light, and I must stop him so that we can cover the world in shadows! Eliminate all light so that we will be in control! Peace will be upon us yet!”

-----------------------------------------

“Aipom, use Fury Swipes!”

“Dodge, Cyndaquil!”

Deep in the Ilex Forest, Kaylie decided to get in some last minute training before they reached Goldenrod City. She chose to use Aipom, a Pokémon she hasn’t used since Violet City. Despite not being used in a long time, Aipom was in top form, giving Cyndaquil a run for her money.

“Now use Flame Wheel,” ordered Jayden.

Cyndaquil dashed towards Aipom, flames surrounding her. The monkey, using the environment to his advantage, jumped into the trees, swinging around to Cyndaquil’s back.

“Now use Swift!” Kaylie called.

Several stars shot out of Aipom’s tail as he swung it. They came in at Cyndaquil from all directions. Unable to dodge, Cyndaquil put her hands over her head, the stars hitting her from every side.

“Counter with Ember!”

Running at Aipom, Cyndaquil jumped over him, releasing a barrage of fireballs. The embers hit Aipom in the chest, knocking him back. The normal type fell, unable to battle.

“Great job Cyndaquil!” Jayden praised her.

Cyndaquil smiled running back to her trainer. Kaylie recalled Aipom, telling him what a great job he did.

“Cyndaquil is getting pretty strong,” said Hope. “She’ll be excellent in your next gym battle.”

“Speaking of, what type of gym is in Goldenrod?” Kaylie asked.

“Beats me,” Jayden said, recalling Cyndaquil.

“We’ll just have to find out. Let’s get movin!”

Continuing down the winding path in the dark forest, the three trainers looked around them, unfamiliar noises coming from the bushes. Light poured in from an opening not too far from where they were. Along with light, all kinds of voices came in.

“Think that might be the exit?” asked Jayden.

A car horn answered his question. Taking off, the group ran towards the exit. As they emerged onto asphalt, a figure stepped in front of them. Not able to stop their momentum, the three crashed into the figure, only them falling down.

“Oh man! We’re so sorry!” Hope said, rubbing her head as they stood.

The person they had run into looked to be about their age. He had long red hair that came down to his shoulders. The look in his green eyes appeared cold, but the look on his face was soft.

“It’s fine,” he told them. “I see you just came from Ilex Forest. You were probably just happy to see the exit. My name is Lorin by the way.”

The group introduced themselves to Lorin, each shaking his hand. Kaylie for some reason couldn’t keep her eyes off of him. Looking over him, she saw that he liked to match, his black boots matching the black coat and pants he wore. His jacket was outlined in red, matching the color of his hair.

“So what brings you to Goldenrod City Lorin?” Hope asked.

Looking around him, Lorin stepped closer before answering. His voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke. “The Black Organization.”
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Well,

I can see you are improving with your grammar and spelling. My eyes were trained pretty hard and I couldn't find much, keep that up, it adds alot to the story when you dont have to stop and go over passages that are full of mistakes. So good work on that. My only real complaint was the length of the chapter. It kinda felt like it was over before it began. I've noticed that with a few of your chapters. This one did have plot in it, and the battle with Bayleef was nice, but I felt like It was over too quickly. When I come to the end of your chapters, I almost always find myself wanting more, and I felt like this chapter would have been somewhat better if it had been longer. Don't be afraid to write long chapters when it calls for it. I'm always excited to see a chapter that takes me a while to get through. Lorin is a surprising addition and I'm curious to see what's going to come from him.

Pretty good chapter once again, and thanks for VM'ing me that it was up. I look forward to the next chapter, and more from the Black Organization.

Keep up the good work!
 

3D992

The Living Hologram
Thanks for vming me too. I would join the black organization if they layed all their plans out for me to see. If I agreed then id join them. Good new chap!
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Second to last chapter of this arc. I would kick up the rating of this chapter to PG-15. Why? You'll see. :p More questions are raised in this chapter but no answers. I'll get on those later. I liked writing this chapter. I thought it was fun to play around with. I hope you like it as well. It's longer than all the others. Now enjoy!

Chapter 16: Nightfall Part 1

“I see; your sister was taken by the Black Organization and you’re trying to get her back.”

“We have a similar situation with a different syndicate. I’m sure you’ll be able to get her back.”

Walking from Ilex Forest onto Goldenrod City, the three trainers bumped into Lorin, a young boy who seeks to release his sister from the Black Organization’s grip.

The sun was beaming down on them from the middle of the sky. Clouds had been absent, the blue backdrop seeming to go on forever. A slight wind blew over them, some leaves picking up.

“What is that?” Kaylie asked, pointing to a large building not too far ahead of them.

The building appeared broken, dust covering even the outside. One of the two pillars that stood outside the front door was on its side. Most of the blue paint had been chipped away, the wood showing that the building stood there for quite some time. As they walked up to it, they could feel a cold feeling emitting from the house.

“This house is huge,” Hope commented. “It’s the biggest one I’ve seen.”

Just then, a sharp scream was heard coming from the house. Without saying anything, Lorin dashed in, the door squeaking as it was thrown open. With a nod, Jayden followed him. Kaylie sighed, her and Hope running in soon after.

The inside was very narrow, a staircase to the right. Running up the stairs, Jayden landed on a large second floor. There was very little light, all the windows being blocked by curtains or wood panels. He took in a breath, but soon found himself coughing, dust invading his lungs. There was a patting on his back and when he turned he saw Kaylie, smiling at him.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Jayden replied with a slight cough. “Where did Hope go?”

“She’s checking out the downstairs. We ran into Lorin and he said he heard shuffling somewhere in the house.”

“Then that means we have to check out up here. Stay close to me. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

Grabbing her by the wrist, Jayden led Kaylie across the floor, coming to a door. Pushing it open, they came to another large room. This one appeared to be a second sitting room. Dusty couches and recliners were here and there. A portrait hung to their right, a large man in the picture. He seemed very familiar to Jayden, but he couldn’t place his finger on it. He knew he saw that skeletal structure before, came across that same beard somewhere else. Another door lay on the opposite side of the room, barely hanging on by the hinges. The darkness made it impossible to guess what had been in there.

“I’m going to go see what’s in that next room,” Jayden told Kaylie. “You stay right here.”

Responding with a nod, Kaylie held her breath as Jayden crossed the room slowly. When he came to the door he peered in, still not able to see anything.

“I can’t see anything,” he said. “It’s too dar-”

Just as he spoke something shot out of the room. Ducking his head, Jayden barely dodged whatever had rocketed right by him. Another cold feeling passed over him, shivers shooting up his spine. He motioned for Kaylie to get down, the girl hitting the floor instantly. Looking up, he saw a ball of purple mist hanging in the middle of the room. Inside the mist he saw a small sphere. When the mist turned he was met with a pair of sad eyes.

“Is that a Gastly?” Jayden questioned.

The sphere opened its mouth when it heard the word Gastly, revealing two large fangs. It flew over to where Jayden was, appearing before him in a split second. Smiling at him, Gastly motioned for a table next to one of the couches. Walking over to it, Jayden saw that a Poké Ball lay on it, a piece of paper next to it. Picking up the paper, he wiped the dust off of it, trying to make out the fancy cursive writing.

“What is it Jay?” Kaylie asked, peering over at him.

“It’s a Poké Ball and some kind of note. This Gastly wanted to show me the Poké Ball for some reason.”

Dear son, inside this Poké Ball is a Pokémon that I wanted to give you,” the note read. “I know you’ve wanted to start your journey and with this Gastly you’ll be able to do just that. I must take my leave for now, but do not fret. I will return. Take care of your sister Daniel. I will be back soon. I will write you a letter every day when I get to Kanto. They will rue the day they made Jayden Sector join the fight! Sincerely, Dad.”

As he read the last few sentences, Jayden’s mouth dropped. His hands started to shake slightly. The letter he was holding was for his dad. The Gastly that floated by him was supposed to be his dad’s. Several thoughts shot through his head, all of them confusing the boy.

“What is it?” asked Kaylie, standing up.

“My dad used to live here,” he whispered. “This note is from my grandpa and this Gastly is my dad’s.”

“That’s insane.” Kaylie walked over to him, looking over the note herself.

Gastly smiled at Jayden again, letting out a sharp scream. “That’s the scream we heard. So it was you all along, Gastly?”

Gastly nodded, his entire body moving. Picking up the Poké Ball, Jayden clutched it tightly, blowing the dust off. Gastly hit the Poké Ball, the sphere opening and pulling the ghost type into it.

“What are you going to do with it?” Kaylie asked.

“I’m going to have to return it to my dad. When we get to Goldenrod I’ll call him and transfer it over. Besides, I’ve got a few questions for him. Let’s get back to the other two.”

“Hold on.” Kaylie grabbed Jayden’s arm, pulling him towards the door that was barely hanging on. “Let’s explore a little longer.”

Placing the Poké Ball on his belt, Jayden followed Kaylie into the next room. The darkness encompassed them, their eyes slowly adjusting. This new room appeared to just connect the previous one to another, being very small. Turning to their left, Kaylie pushed open another door. Small amounts of light filtered in through a door on the opposite side of the room as well as a window, wooden panels blocking most of it.

“This looks like a bedroom,” Jayden observed, noticing the bed and desk. Looking around, he saw posters of a man in a cape, his red hair defying gravity. Next to him was a large orange dragon, tiny wings on its back. “At least whoever lived in this room had good taste in trainers.”

Jayden walked over to the bed, seeing that it was dust free. Kaylie walked to the other side of the room, closing the door, the little light in the room disappearing. Jayden turned quickly, feeling Kaylie’s presence right by him.

“What are yo-”

Before he could finish, Kaylie placed her lips on his, pulling him close to her. Shocked, Jayden couldn’t do anything, but act on instinct. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her tightly. When they broke apart, all they could do was look at each other, staring into each other’s eyes. Kaylie placed her hand onto Jayden’s chest, feeling his racing heartbeat. The two teens fell onto the bed, Kaylie lying on top of Jayden. As they kissed again, the small amount of light that remained in the room vanished. Jayden knew what was going to happen, but for some reason he couldn’t fight it. He just couldn’t say no.

-------------------------------------

“…then Team Lustrous kidnapped my brother and I’ve been searching for him ever since. We came close to getting him back, but that damn Alexander stopped me!”

“I understand that it’s tough to lose someone you love, especially to those scumbags.”

“Sometimes it’s just too hard. I put up a good act in front of Kaylie and Jayden, but when I’m alone I can’t help but cry.”

Hope and Lorin had been walking around the first floor, slowly getting to know each other. They came to large room that appeared to be the sitting room. A large couch lay against the back wall, a large window behind that. The window was boarded up, no light coming in from the outside. A scuffle sounded from the other side, a girl falling through a door. She hit the floor hard, her brown hair covering her face.

“Marina!” Lorin called, starting to run over to her.

Before he could reach her, a man stepped out of the next room, standing over her. Lorin stopped in his tracks, looking up at the man with a snarl. The man picked up the girl known as Marina with ease, throwing her over his shoulder.

“You let her go now!” Lorin shouted.

The man looked down at Lorin, his dark brown eyes looking straight through him. Lorin drew a Poké Ball from his belt, showing no fear. Without a word, the man drew a Poké Ball as well, tossing it into the air.

“I’d suggest you get out of here before my Nidorino has to make you,” the man said, his voice booming.

“We’ll see about that,” Lorin spat back, tossing his Poké Ball into the air.

From the man’s Poké Ball came a fairly large pink creature. A large horn protruded from its head. Spikes ran down its back, stopping at the middle. It flapped its large ears before stomping the ground. From Lorin’s Poké Ball came a bipedal reptile Pokémon. The room lit up due to the flame on its tail. Its scales were a dark red, save for its tan underbelly. Much like Nidorino, it had a horn, but it protruded from the back of its head as opposed to the front. Swinging its sharp claws, it looked prepared to battle.

“Charmeleon, use Ember!” shouted Lorin.

Jumping to the side, Charmeleon opened his mouth to release a barrage of small fireballs. Compared to Cyndaquil’s, they were much larger and brighter. The embers hit Nidorino in the side of the face, the poison type flinching.

“Now follow up with Metal Claw!” Lorin continued.

Charmeleon dashed at Nidorino, his claws beginning to glow. Nidorino jumped back, his horn starting to glow as well. The two glowing body parts collided, a loud clang sounding from it. Flipping backwards, Charmeleon smirked at Nidorino, which he returned.

“Show them Double Kick,” the man ordered.

Charmeleon watched as his opponent ran around him, jumping into the air. The fire type jumped back, spewing flames onto the tile floor. When Nidorino landed, he jumped back into the air, his feet burning from the fire. Landing on his side, Nidorino pushed himself back up.

“Hit Double Kick now!” the man yelled.

Reluctantly, Nidorino charged Charmeleon once more. Lorin took notice of the Pokémon’s hesitance, coming up with a plan.

“Charmeleon, stop Nidorino in his tracks!”

The fire type grabbed hold of Nidorino’s horn, sliding back a little before coming to a complete stop. Mustering all the strength he could, Charmeleon swung Nidorino over his head, slamming him into the floor. The tile cracked, small shards shooting everywhere.

“Now go get Marina!” Lorin yelled.

Charmeleon dashed at the man, running in a zig zag fashion. When the Pokémon got near him, the man threw a kick. Easily dodging it, Charmeleon slashed at the man’s arm holding Marina. The man let go of the girl, dropping her to the floor. The fire type picked the girl up, retreating back to his trainer.

“Damn you…” the man cursed, recalling his Nidorino, holding his now bleeding arm. “You ruined the plans of the Black Organization! Someday you’ll get yours!”

The man ran into the next room, exiting the house. Lorin kneeled down next to his sister. Marina wrapped her arms around him, her entire body shaking. Lorin held her close, stroking her hair.

“It’s okay sis. You’re safe.” Lorin chuckled, smiling at Charmeleon. “Charmeleon is the one who saved you.”

Turning to Charmeleon, the girl embraced him as well. The Pokémon nervously chuckled, rubbing the back of his head. Hope looked over them, a smile on her face as well. A single tear trickled down her cheek, breaking off and hitting the floor.

“Marina, I need you to go straight home,” Lorin told her, grabbing her shoulder. “Mom and Dad will be happy to see you. I need to help out my friend Hope here. I may not be home for a while. Take my Azumaril for protection.”

Marina nodded as her brother handed her a Poké Ball. The girl ran out of the house, not looking back. Recalling Charmeleon, Lorin noticed the tear on Hope’s face, wiping it away.

“Why didn’t she say anything? Wasn’t she happy to see you?” Hope asked, another tear streaming down her face.

“She’s been mute ever since she saw our grandmother die,” Lorin explained wiping the second tear away as well. “The trauma she must have felt…”

“I’m sorry. Why didn’t you go with her? She can’t possibly control a Pokémon without telling it what moves to use.”

“Well for starters, there are many more ways to issue a command besides with your voice. And second, I need to help you find your brother and most importantly bring him back. I know how you feel all too well and I want to help ease that pain.”

Without thinking, Hope wrapped her arms around Lorin, a big smile on her face.

-------------------------------------

Outside the house, the group of now four stared at the house. After a quick explanation of who had lived there and the battle that had transpired, the trainers decided it was best to leave and continue onwards to Goldenrod.

“I’m glad you’ll be joining us, Lorin,” said Jayden. “I needed another guy around here. Too much estrogen for my tastes.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Hope and Kaylie asked in unison.

“I know what he means,” Lorin said with a chuckle.

Slapping them on the backs of their head, Lorin and Jayden smiled at each other, Kaylie and Hope letting out frustrated sighs. Not too far away lay a large city. There were many tall skyscrapers, the sun shining off the windows. The city seemed to stretch on forever with buildings as far as the eye could see.

“That’s Goldenrod?” Hope asked, her jaw dropping.

“It’s huge!” exclaimed Jayden.

“Yeah it’s pretty impressive,” said Lorin.

Kaylie was the only one to not comment on the city’s size. Instead she looked off to her side, an eerie feeling creeping over her. As the sun began to lower, the feeling began to take over her body, not knowing what it could have been. By the time they reached the city, the moon had replaced the sun. Even though it had been night time, the streets of Goldenrod were still packed. The neon signs had come on, music blasted from all different directions, and many people yelled at you to come and buy something you knew you didn’t need.

Heading straight to the Pokémon Center, Jayden beelined right to the phones, picking up the receiver and pushing a bunch of number right by the screen. A picture of Jayden’s dad popped up as the phone began to ring.

“♫ Ring ring ring! Ring ring ring! Phone call! Phone call! ♫” the phone blared. “♫ Ring ring ring! Ring ring ring! Phone call! Phone call! ♫”

“Arceus, that’s so annoying!” said Kaylie.

The line dropped while the screen read, “Not available.” Hanging the phone up, Jayden turned to the clock above Nurse Joy’s desk. “That’s odd. My dad should be home right now. I’ll try again later.”

“In the meantime, let’s check in and go out!” Kaylie suggested.

“It’s what she always says,” Jayden whispered to Lorin.

“Fine by me,” Hope said.

Walking over to the desk, the four trainers checked into a room, the Nurse Joy handing them four keys. As they ran to the elevator, a man dressed in a black cloak walked in, watching them, his red eyes trained on Kaylie.

“Excuse me, are you a trainer?” Nurse Joy asked the man cautiously.

The man looked at her and she instantly cowered in fear. The small amount of trainers in the center watched as he walked towards the elevator, a Poké Ball in his hand.

“Kaylie Janson, sister of Alexander Janson.” The man’s voice was rough, sounding as if he was a smoker. “I’ve finally found you.”
 

3D992

The Living Hologram
Oooooo shes in trouble.... ummmmm that was an awkward chapter.....
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
They will rue the day they made Jayden Sector join the fight! Sincerely, Dad.”
They will rue the day?

“♫ Ring ring ring! Ring ring ring! Phone call! Phone call! ♫” the phone blared. “♫ Ring ring ring! Ring ring ring! Phone call! Phone call! ♫”
I thought the music notes were a nice touch at first, but as I read on, they kept making me break off an go back to them, distracting from them as I was reading. I mean, it didn't ruin the passage or anything, but it distracted me a bit.

Other than that, I thought you did a good job. Like I said with the last chapter, your grammar and spelling are improving a great deal...That's something to be proud of, as it shows you're listening to advice that's being given to you. Gastly was a nice touch, along with Jayden stumbling into his fate in order to meet it. Nice work.

One part that was pretty funny to me, was when Jayden and Kaylie were upstairs getting busy, Hope and Lorin were downstairs fighting for his sisters life. It cracked me up a bit, especially since I'm sure the question of where the both of them were at will probably eventually come up. Nice touch. All in all, it was nicely done, and I'm eager to see where this is going. Cliff hanger at the end definately piqued my want of the next chapter. Keep it up!
 

Glover

Pain in Rocket side
A while back, and I coui;dn't find it now, but you made a comment about "Help! The shippers have gotten to me! Must.. Resist..." in one of your chapter prefaces.

Jayden walked over to the bed, seeing that it was dust free. Kaylie walked to the other side of the room, closing the door, the little light in the room disappearing. Jayden turned quickly, feeling Kaylie’s presence right by him.

“What are yo-”

Before he could finish, Kaylie placed her lips on his, pulling him close to her. Shocked, Jayden couldn’t do anything, but act on instinct. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her tightly. When they broke apart, all they could do was look at each other, staring into each other’s eyes. Kaylie placed her hand onto Jayden’s chest, feeling his racing heartbeat. The two teens fell onto the bed, Kaylie lying on top of Jayden. As they kissed again, the small amount of light that remained in the room vanished. Jayden knew what was going to happen, but for some reason he couldn’t fight it. He just couldn’t say no.
Yeah... Hardcore Fail...

I have more about that scene, but let's take it from the top, shall we?

The inside was very narrow, a staircase to the right. Running up the stairs, Jayden landed on a large second floor. There was very little light, all the windows being blocked by curtains or wood panels. He took in a breath, but soon found himself coughing; dust invading his lungs.
Take care of your sister, Daniel. I will be back soon. I will write you a letter every day when I get to Kanto. They will rue the day they made Jayden Sector join the fight! Sincerely, Dad.”
This makes for aslightly confusing predicament. Is our Jayden named for his grandfather then? It's a nice bit of foreshadowing, nonetheless, but it wants to eirher read as an old note (I suspect how you want it), or as one that Gramps wrote because he found out his Grandson was getting tied up and he's gone to Kanto for who knows why to strike back.

The Bedroom scene...
Really, why? This feels radically out of place. Warm, romantic moments can occur in proper mood lighting, or after traumatic and highly pressured scenes that remind people of the mortality of life. This... this is neither. This is "Oh look! A bed! Let's screw in it!" Rather a bit forward for Kaylie, and quite abrupt. No Pokemon using Sweet Kiss, not Cupid's arrow, it's a bedroom. Maybe some dramatic tension is needed in the section ahead of this one, something to set Kaylie off besides inconvienent teenage hormones. Realistic though it may be (I'm keeping myself from those situations, so I wouldn't know) in a storytelling format, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

Are you now as disturbed by this review as I am?


“…then Team Lustrous kidnapped my brother and I’ve been searching for him ever since. We came close to getting him back, but that damn Alexander stopped me!”
I don't think we're going to like when he finds out who Kaylie is...

“I understand that. It’s tough to lose someone you love, especially to those scumbags.”
Technically, this is an okay sentence, but its an awkward read. The first partis Hope sypathizing more specifically than hte second part.

A scuffle sounded from the other side, a girl falling through a door. She hit the floor hard, her brown hair covering her face.

“Marina!” Lorin called, starting to run over to her.
Awkward tense change there.

Swinging its sharp claws, it looked prepared to battle.
Also technically correct, but "prepared" feels a lot more like a verb here, when it's supposed to be a synonym for words liek "ready"

Charmeleon watched as his opponent ran around him, jumping into the air. The fire type jumped back, spewing flames onto the tile floor. When Nidorino landed, he jumped back into the air, his feet burning from the fire. Landing on his side, Nidorino pushed himself back up.
Yay for envirnment!

The fire type grabbed hold of Nidorino’s horn, sliding back a little before coming to a complete stop. Mustering all the strength he could, Charmeleon swung Nidorino over his head, slamming him into the floor. The tile cracked, small shards shooting everywhere.
What, no Poison Point?

“Marina, I need you to go straight home,” Lorin told her, grabbing her shoulder. “Mom and Dad will be happy to see you. I need to help out my friend Hope here. I may not be home for a while. Take my Azumaril for protection.”

Marina nodded as her brother handed her a Poké Ball. The girl ran out of the house, not looking back. Recalling Charmeleon, Lorin noticed the tear on Hope’s face, wiping it away.
Something feels slightly off to me here, as well. Lorin's spends all this time looking for Marina, finds her, and then in six sentences she's turned out into the world with a water rabbit. I know we have enough people in the main cast, but it undoes all of Lorin's "Find my sister" biography to do it this way. he found her, big whoop, now he's arm candy for Ho-

Did I say that out loud?

Outside the house, the group of now four stared at the house.
House repetition

Nothing in the spelling department though really, you're doing very well in that department. As to this, take what you agree with, leave the rest. My apologies on the tardiness.
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
It is with a heavy heart that I must put this fan fiction on hiatus. Recently my computer has gone kaput and there is no way of revivng it. I must now get a completely new laptop and until then I cannot write. Luckily I hadn't started the next chapter and I was only three pages into my next project that ties in with this fan fiction. I hope to have a new computer by the end of this month. Until then I will try to use my grandmother's computer so that you guys aren't without your favorite Cyndaquil and trainer. Until next time.
 

3D992

The Living Hologram
That's too bad... Hope you like your new laptop!
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
I've decided to take to pen and paper so that I can keep this story rolling. Chapter 17 is about 50% complete so once that is up the updates will hopefully be just as fast as they were when I started this thing. I'll have to go to my grandmother's and hope she'll let me use her computer of course. Good thing my job doesn't involve a computer. I'd like to have chapter 17 up before the end of the week. Until next time.
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Finally! Perhaps the longest wait for a chapter yet! The final chapter of the Black Organization arc is finished and ready for your viewing pleasure. In this chapter we see something we haven't seen in a while involving a certain character. I'm happy to see this arc wrapped up so nicely. It will make the plot easier to flow in the next arc. Now enjoy!

Chapter 17: Nightfall Part 2

“Let’s hurry this up.”

“Do they always take this long?”

“You can’t rush perfection!”

In their room at the Pokémon Center, Lorin and Jayden stood outside in the hallway while Kaylie and Hope got dressed. Instead of taking half an hour, Jayden and Lorin quickly changed into black button down shirts, keeping their jeans on. Finally exiting the room, Hope was wearing a white dress, sparkles all over it while Kaylie had chosen a blue dress, both very form fitting. Jayden and Lorin looked away, slightly blushing.

“What do you think boys?” Kaylie asked.

“Uh, you look, um,” stammered Jayden.

“I-I uh think what he’s, um, trying to say,” Lorin stuttered.

“We look good,” Hope finished.

Leading the boys, Hope and Kaylie started towards the elevator. Lorin and Jayden followed, still looking around the hallway. A loud ding was heard, signaling the elevator reaching the floor. The group stood outside the doors as they slowly slid open. A large man dressed in black stepped out, staring down on them.

“Kaylie Janson,” the man said, his voice rough and raspy, “sister of Alexander Janson. I believe it’s time for my revenge…”

“Do you know this guy Kaylie?” Jayden asked, a chill running up his spine as he looked at the man.

“I’ve never seen him in my life,” Kaylie said, shocked.

The man pulled a Poké Ball from his belt, enlarging it. Once he launched it, the four trainers jumped back. From the white light came a large bear. It towered over all the trainers, its head nearly hitting the ceiling. A large tan circle was on the middle of its stomach, matching the color of its muzzle. Letting out a roar, the Pokémon shook the entire room, the four kids nearly falling to the ground.

“We need to get out of here!” shouted Jayden as he reached for a Poké Ball. “I’ll try and hold him off!”

“Show them Hyper Beam,” said the man.

With another roar, the bear began to charge a large yellow and orange sphere in his mouth. As the energy slowly began to gather, Jayden pulled a Poké Ball from his belt. The energy fired from the Pokémon’s mouth towards the trainers, hitting the wall and floor behind them. The wooden floor began to crack under the pressure of the combined weight of the trainers. Soon it gave way, dumping them into the street outside the Pokémon Center. All four hit the ground with a hard thud, rolling on their sides.

“Is everyone okay?” Jayden asked, groaning as he clutched his ribs.

“I’m fine,” Hope replied, shakily standing. “If I knew we would be attacked I would have worn something more suitable.”

“Same here,” groaned Kaylie, sitting up with her hand clasped to her head.

“The only thing hurt is my dignity,” Lorin told him, standing as well and wiping dirt off his pants.

From the opening in the Center, the man jumped, landing a few feet away from the trainers, his Pokémon doing the same. “Kaylie…you will pay for what your brother did…Ursaring, fire another Hyper Beam.”

Just as he had done before, Ursaring began to charge orange and yellow energy in his mouth. Anticipating it, the four trainers jumped to different sides when the attack was fired. The beam completely destroyed the ground, the concrete shattering under the pressure. All the Goldenrod citizens began to panic, running all over the place or into buildings to hide. Lorin quickly drew a Poké Ball and tossed it, releasing Charmeleon.

“Hit Ursaring with Flamethrower!” Lorin shouted.

A stream of flames shot from Charmeleon’s mouth, engulfing the bear. The normal type screamed in pain as the fire surrounded his body. With a loud roar the flames vanished; little scorch marks present in Ursaring’s fur.

“Get rid of Charmeleon with Slash,” the man commanded.

With a quick swipe of Ursaring’s claws, Charmeleon was knocked aside, crashing into a building. With the panicked cries of the people, it was hard to hear Charmeleon’s heavy breathing. Recalling his Pokémon, Lorin glared at the man.

“We need to get out of here,” Jayden told them. “We won’t stand much of a chance against this man.”

“You’re right,” Hope agreed. “We need to think of a plan.”

As they turned to run, five men all dressed in black appeared behind them, blocking their path. Arrogant smiles had been placed on all their faces. The man that had attacked them began to laugh, taking a step towards them.

“Don’t think that you can run,” he said. “I’m going to get my revenge right here.”

“Why me?” Kaylie asked, tears filling her eyes. “If you have problems with my brother take it up with him!”

“You don’t seem to understand little girl,” the man said, balling his hands into fists. “What your brother did to me is unforgivable! He led a Team Lustrous unit into my hometown and killed my little brother!”

“Alexander wouldn’t do something like that!” Kaylie cried, trying to defend her brother.

“Now I’m going to do the same to him and kill his only younger sibling! Ursaring, Hyper Beam!”

This time Ursaring fired the beam straight at Kaylie. For some reason she was rooted to the ground, unable to move. Seconds before the beam destroyed her, Kaylie felt a pressure ram into her, taking her to the ground. The devastating attack hit a building in the distance, more screams filling the air. Finally coming back to her senses, Kaylie looked up and saw Jayden lying next to her, blood covering his arm.

“Damn beam caught my arm,” he muttered, sweat dripping down his forehead.

“Noctowl, use Air Slash!” Hope shouted.

“Hope…why is she fighting? She doesn’t need to fight for me!” Kaylie cried.

“Yes we do,” Jayden said as he stood. “You’re our friend and we’ll protect you. Lorin, stay with Kaylie. I need to back Hope up.”

With a nod, Lorin ran over to Kaylie, kneeling by her side. Pushing through the pain, Jayden drew a Poké Ball, launching it towards the battlefield. Kakuna emerged from his Poké Ball with the same look on his face.

“Tie up Ursaring with String Shot!” Jayden called.

Ursaring began to charge Noctowl, his claws glowing. Before he could slash at the bird, a white string shot out from Kakuna’s tiny mouth, wrapping itself around Ursaring’s arms. After a few seconds, his arms were bound together.

“Hit him with Take Down!” commanded Hope.

Diving down towards Ursaring, Noctowl crashed into the bear with all his might. The tackle caused Ursaring to stumble backwards, slightly growling.

“Get that string off you Ursaring!” the man shouted.

With a quick pull and loud roar, Ursaring ripped the string off his arms. Another quick swipe hit Noctowl, knocking him into the ground. Noctowl rolled a bit before trying to stand. Ursaring’s foot stopped him from getting up as the bear stomped on him.

“Kakuna, hit him with Poison Sting!” Jayden yelled.

Small purple barbs emitted from Kakuna’s mouth, hitting Ursaring in the arm. Without moving, Ursaring fired a beam of energy in Kakuna’s direction. On instinct, Kakuna’s body shined before appearing glossy. The force from the beam pushed Kakuna back.

“Cyndaquil, standby!” Jayden shouted as he threw another Poké Ball, recalling Kakuna.

Cyndaquil appeared with an angry look on her face. Squawks could be heard from Noctowl as Ursaring put more and more weight on him. Cyndaquil charged towards the bear, releasing a barrage of fireballs. The fireballs hit Ursaring in the back, shocking him enough to push him forward. Following up, Cyndaquil tackled him in the gut, pushing him back more. Ursaring rubbed his stomach before snarling at the little fire type.

“The police are on their way!” Hope yelled to Jayden, sirens approaching them. “If we can hold on until they get here then they’ll finish up with him.”

Off in the distance, a squad car rocketed towards them. People began to cheer as the car passed them. With a scoff, the man pointed to the squad car. Ursaring fired an orange beam at it. Before the cop had a chance to stop, the beam hit the car. Jayden watched in horror as the car exploded, smoke and flames filling the sky. Scowling at the man, Jayden gritted his teeth.

“Cyndaquil, use Flame Wheel!” he yelled.

Charging Ursaring, Cyndaquil became engulfed in flames before tackling him. Grabbing hold, Ursaring tossed Cyndaquil into the sky, preparing another beam. Blindsiding him, Noctowl tackled Ursaring from the side, causing the beam to fire into a building.

“Use another Flame Wheel!” called Jayden.

As she began to fall back towards the ground, flames appeared around Cyndaquil’s body. Preoccupied with Noctowl, Ursaring didn’t notice the fire type until it was too late. Cyndaquil crashed into Ursaring, causing him to fall to one knee. All three Pokémon were breathing heavily, not one making a move.

“Slash them both, Ursaring!” the man yelled.

With a deep breath, Ursaring pushed himself forward. Both Cyndaquil and Noctowl were hit, the latter falling to the ground while the former slid back a few feet. A red beam hit Noctowl as Hope recalled him. Ursaring fell to one knee again once he stopped, his breath even heavier.

“Get up Ursaring!” shouted the man.

Ursaring smirked, knowing that he couldn’t get up. He stared Jayden in the eye, waiting for him to call his last attack.

“Cyndaquil, finish him with Flamethrower!” Jayden yelled.

Cyndaquil took a deep breath in, releasing a large stream of flames. The flames hit Ursaring in the chest, pushing him back to his trainer. Not moving, the smirk stayed on Ursaring’s face. The man recalled his Pokémon with a scowl on his face.

“Don’t think I’m done yet!” he shouted, pulling out another Poké Ball. A small stone hit the Poké Ball, knocking it out of his hands.

“Yes you are,” a voice said from behind him.

The man turned and behind him stood Alexander, his Tyranitar right next to him. Jumping back, the man quickly picked up his Poké Ball, all of his men drawing Poké Balls as well. Alexander began to chuckle to which Tyranitar sighed.

“If you and your men so much as get ready to throw those Poké Balls, it will be the last thing you do.” A flare in Alexander’s eyes told them he was serious.

“Why you…” the man said through gritted teeth. “Fall back men!”

“I don’t think so,” another voice said, this time from behind the Black Organization grunts. The voice belonged to a woman who appeared to be in her twenties. She wore a white button up shirt that had red stripes on the sleeves. Reaching into the pocket of her blue shorts, she pulled out a Poké Ball, tossing it in the air. “You Team Lustrous and Black Organization scum won’t get away that easily!”

“Whitney…” said Alexander. “Don’t you remember me? I challenged your gym years ago.”

“Regardless of my relation to you I will make sure that you are put in prison for your involvement of the attack on Goldenrod today.”

“That’s where you’re wrong gym leader. I did not partake in this attack. Now that the situation is in your capable hands, I’ll be taking my leave.”

Whitney stepped towards Alexander, but before she could do anything Tyranitar threw a ball of black energy at the ground. A dust cloud covered the group, blocking their vision. Using the cloud as cover as well, the Black Organization members darted out of the city, vanishing from sight. Once the dust settled, the five people left looked around them, shocked at the sudden disappearance of the men.

“Damn!” cursed Whitney. “I rush back from Ecruteak on an emergency call and I don’t even get one arrest! Not only that, but the city council is going to be on my ass about the damages!”

“It could have been worse,” said Kaylie standing up. “If it wasn’t for Hope and Jayden they would have destroyed the entire city just to find us.”

“Then rewards are in order! That was Stavros, a captain in the Black Organization. Now who are Hope and Jayden?”

Stepping forward, Jayden and Hope looked at each other, both of them shrugging. Cyndaquil jumped onto her trainer’s shoulder, rubbing her head against his as if to say good job. Whitney reached into her back pocket, pulling out two badges that resembled simple gold diamonds. Both trainers took them, holding them up, the moonlight reflecting off them.

“You just…carry these with you?” Jayden asked.

“…Don’t question it,” Whitney replied. “With that you are one step closer to competing in the Silver Conference!”

“One more thing,” started Kaylie. “I was wondering if I could challenge your gym tomorrow. I, too, am shooting for the Silver Conference.”

“After an event like that you’re only thinking about challenging my gym?”

“You get used to it,” Hope said simply.

“Alright then,” Whitney said as she turned. “I expect to see you bright and early tomorrow. I’m warning you now; I’m good!”

As the gym leader took her leave, Kaylie pulled out one of her Poké Balls and turned to Jayden. With a smile he instantly knew what was going through her head. Without a word, the two took off towards Route 34.

“Where are you guys going?” Hope asked, yelling.

“Time for some training!” Jayden yelled back. “Special training that is!”

“I’ve made some interesting friends,” Lorin said with a chuckle. “This journey just got more interesting.”

---------------------------------

“This battle will be two on two with the challenger being the only one who can substitute. The battle is over when both Pokémon on one side are unable to battle. Let the match begin!”

“Clefairy, go!”

“Aipom, dance!”

Just as she said she would, Kaylie showed up at the Goldenrod Gym the next morning, ready to battle. Hope, Jayden, and Lorin sat in the stands, waiting to see their friend prove herself in battle. The battlefield looked much like the one in the Violet Gym. From Kaylie’s Poké Ball emerged her Aipom, swinging his tail with the hand balled into a fist. On Whitney’s side appeared a pink cubby creature. A large smile had been plastered on its face as it held up its stubby arms.

“Aipom, use Swift!” Kaylie started.

Jumping into the air, Aipom swung his tail, multiple stars shooting out. Clefairy didn’t make an attempt to dodge, instead taking the attack head on. Even after the damage was done, Clefairy had a smile on her face, no visible damage seen.

“You should know that a normal attack won’t do too much against a normal Pokémon,” lectured Whitney. “Clefairy show them Metronome!”

Waving her hands back and forth, Clefairy began a rhythmic chant as the tips of her fingers began to glow. Aipom cautiously backed up, waiting for the attack to be unleashed. With one final wave, a bolt of lightning shot out from Clefairy’s hands. Shocked by the speed of it, Aipom failed to dodge, getting hit all over.

“Aipom, try a Brick Break attack!” cried Kaylie.

Pushing himself up, Aipom shook off the damage. Charging his opponent, the hand on Aipom’s tail began to glow. With a quick swing, Clefairy was hit in the stomach. The force from the hit pushed Clefairy back towards Whitney, both of them shocked at the power. Clefairy stood, her entire body shaking. The smile she once wore was replaced with a look of anger.

“Respond with a DoubleSlap!” countered Whitney.

Clefairy dashed to Aipom, her hand raised. Once she swung, Aipom ducked, the Fairy Pokemon caught off guard. Swinging his tail under her feet, Aipom knocked Clefairy to the ground.

“Now Brick Break!” shouted Kaylie.

Bringing his tail around, Aipom slammed it into Clefairy once more, the latter no longer moving. The referee held up a green flag, declaring Aipom as the victor. Recalling her Clefairy, Whitney began to laugh, a smirk on her face.

“Great job on beating Clefairy, but this is where I win,” she said, confidence ringing in her voice. “Miltank, let’s rock!”

Whitney’s next Pokémon was more than double the size of Clefairy. Bigger than any Miltank she ever saw, Kaylie swallowed the fear and commanded her Aipom to use another Brick Break. Not trying to dodge, Miltank let the attack hit, laughing when the tail collided with her abdomen. The cow grabbed onto Aipom’s tail and slammed him into the ground.

“Now use Rollout!” ordered Whitney.

Before Aipom had a chance to get up, Miltank curled herself into a ball, rolling right over him. Turning around when she reached the opposite side of the battlefield, Miltank ran over him again and again. Aipom stood, swaying back and forth before falling to the ground.

“Aipom is unable to battle!” the referee declared. “Miltank is the winner!”

“Aipom you were awesome,” Kaylie said as she recalled him. “Now it’s all up to you. Please let our training show here! It’s time to dance! Ledian!”

Bursting from the Poké Ball emerged a large ladybug. It resembled Ledyba, the only differences being a slimmer body and large blue eyes. Flying around, Ledian punched the air, ready to fight.

“Is that Ledian…” Hope started.

“That’s right,” Jayden answered before she could ask. “That is the Ledyba that she caught on the first day of our journey. It evolved yesterday when we were training.”

“So that’s why she wanted to wait a day,” observed Lorin. “She wanted to evolve her Pokémon!”

“Start with Mach Punch!” ordered Kaylie.

Flying towards Miltank, Ledian appeared next to her in the blink of an eye. Throwing a punch, Ledian followed with a second right after. Taking the hits, Miltank slightly stumbled backwards. A smile spread across her face.

“Miltank, Body Slam!” Whitney called.

To everyone’s surprise, Miltank jumped into the air, above Ledian. Pushing the shock aside, Ledian darted back towards Kaylie. Miltank hit the ground with such force that the floor began to crack. Zipping back to her opponent, Ledian threw a few more punches, all of them connecting. Before she could fly away, Miltank grabbed onto Ledian, slamming her into the ground.

“It’s going to be a repeat of what happened to Aipom!” Lorin shouted.

“Not on my watch!” yelled Kaylie.

“Rollout time Miltank!” Whitney ordered.

“Ledian, use Reflect!” Kaylie countered.

Just before Miltank could run over Ledian, a barrier appeared over her, stopping Miltank in her tracks. After a few seconds the barrier began to crack, unable to hold back Miltank’s weight.

“Fly away Ledian!” commanded Kaylie.

Ledian took to the air as the barrier shattered, Miltank rolling to the opposite end. Both Pokémon were breathing heavily. They smiled at each other, knowing that the battle would be coming to an end soon. Ledian dived down towards Miltank while Miltank began to charge towards Ledian. They both threw a punch, their fists colliding. Using her extra hands, Ledian punched Miltank in the face, knocking her back. The cow responded with a heavy punch that pushed Ledian to the ground.

“Finish this with Rollout!” Whitney called, a confident smirk on her face.

Rolling towards Ledian, Miltank let out a loud moo, also confident that it had won this battle. Trying to think of a counterattack, Kaylie shouted the first thing that came to her mind.

“Use Silver Wind with all you’ve got!”

Flapping her wings as hard as she could, silver crescents shot out of her wings. When the attack hit Miltank, the cow began to slow down. Soon, Miltank was continuously hit by the crescents, unable to do anything. Stopping right before Ledian, Miltank fell to her side, not moving a muscle.

“Miltank is unable to battle!” the referee shouted. “Ledian is the winner! That means that Kaylie is the victor of this match!”

With a shocked look on her face, Whitney recalled Miltank, her entire body shaking. Falling to her knees she looked down at the Poké Ball in her hands. Tears slowly began to form in her eyes as she stood.

“No, I said I would get over this,” she said to herself, wiping her face. Now with a smile, she pulled out another badge from her pocket, walking over to Kaylie. “You deserve this Plain Badge! Congratulations!”

Taking the badge in hand, Kaylie couldn’t help but smile. She had earned her second Johto badge and was that much closer to realizing her dream.

“Great job Kaylie!” Jayden yelled from the stands. “You were awesome!”

Slightly blushing, she recalled Ledian. Whitney patted her on the back, bending down to her level. “You’ll be wanting to head to Ecruteak after this. It’s the closest city with a gym. But of course you can’t leave before the Goldenrod festival! I hear that many people fall in love when they go to the festival so it won’t be all bad.”

With a wink, Whitney turned and retreated farther into the gym. As Kaylie walked to the stands what Whitney had said about the festival stuck in her head. Looking over at Jayden, she couldn’t help but smile.

Fall in love huh?
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Nicely done.

I knew as they were getting dressed up that the night would end sourly for them. BTW, I really salute your dedication to keeping this going even though you're without a laptop. Hah, black organization got smoked. Alexander made another appearence with his Tyranitar, which was unexpected. That was something I forgot to mention to you before. Make sure you're putting real limitations on some of the Pokemon in your story. I know its really easy to give them too much power, which begs the question as to why they would listen to a trainer at all. I feel like Alexander's Tyranitar really toes that line. An old injury, mental inadequecy, fumbling with attacks, etc, are all things you can do to make a point to somewhat 'humanize' the Pokemon. Its hard to connect with something that has all the givings of being completely invulnerable. Make sense?

My favorite part of this chapter has to be the Gym Battle ith Whitney. It was decently described, and the length was perfect. As soon as it started, I found myself hoping you would include Milktank, which has always been one of my favorite Pokemon. Ledian is as well, and I think you played on his power and capability very well. Nice job too displaying a quick flash of anger/disappointment from Whitney instead of the usual 'GREAT JOB' that Gym Leaders usually give to trainers that beat them. Keep up the good work!
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Okay, I FINALLY read chapter 1. Whew! That's a lot of characters at once. Let's see if I remember...Jayden took Cynadquil, Burton took Abra, Kaycie took Totodile, and Marshall took Chikorita (and, oops, apparently her name is Kaylie). How did I do?

The air of chapter one is immature and hopeful, which is in stark contrast to your signature banner which seems to imply violence and a sense of cynicism. So my interest is definitely piqued there.

I liked the dad character; will we be seeing more of him and his past life? I hope so.

So am I getting that Professor Elm is like a title that gets handed down (kind of like the accepted theory that "James Bond" is a title, and not a single person, hence why there have been so many diffeent physical appearances and decades he's lived in)? That's an interesting theory I can't say I've ever seen before. Will we be finding out anything else about that history or the current Elm?

Off to read more; I probably won't do a chapter-by-chapter break (even a short one like this) since 17 chapters is a LOT to get through, but I'll stop to post thoughts when I do have them!
 
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Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Chapter 2:

No action? No worries. It's only chapter 2! I still just want to know who everybody is at this point! :)

What I will say is that the incredibly brief summary of how Jayden's parents met left me wanting more. I know it might have seemed weird for him to launch into a spoken backstory, but you could have had "After he told her that, he thought of the story as his dad had explained it to him...", and we could have had a flashback scene. It wouldn't just be filler, either, if you use it to establish something about Jayden's parents that reflects back on him. Just, unless it's done more later, something I felt was a missed opportunity.

You are right in there not being much action; I feel like what happened here could have been truncated and put in chapter 1 (Jayden talks with Kaylie; decides to register for Silver Conference). But that's okay. It's still just an introduction, and it worked for getting Kaylie stuck in my head better.


Chapter 3:

instead focusing on when they can cross the street.
That should be COULD, not can. Your grammar has been good up to this point, but I figured I'd note this one.

but was hit in the gut by Ledyba’s head. Cyndaquil rolled over in pain, clutching her gut
I wouldn't say "gut" twice in succession: you could have said "midsection" the second time.


I like that you had Cyndaquil lose its first battle. It's too often that fic trainers are just prodigies from the get-go, so it was interesting to see Jayden lose his match with Kaylie. I wonder how this will imact his already-delicate decision-making skills.

I think the biggest thing I'd say so far is I'd like to see more description. I loved the dance battle thing in the middle of chapter 3 because it was well described and I got the best sense of Jayden's feelings towards Kaylie, but I still would like to see more done about these segments. You could have given this "night in Cherrygrove City" scene with the dance battle its own entire chapter. I would have enjoyed that.
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Many thanks for the reviews Sid. With the banner and feel of the fix, it picks up later on. You'll see what I mean. ;) As for character backstories I plan on elaborating on everyone. There's an air of mystery around them all and I want to clear it up before this fic is over. I really appreciate you reviewing. It's only going to get better from here on out.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Okay, so I caught up on chapters 4 and 5.

-I hope you don't rush/aren't rushing the Kaylie/Jayden relationship. I was hoping for a drawn-out "will they/won't they" kind of ordeal. Those can be tedious if done poorly, but they are highly rewarding if done properly. Where I left off, it seems like they're about to get together, and it all seems a little too easy for Jayden. I was looking for more strife to come between them before they expressed themselves to each other. But...maybe it is a dream or something and didn't actually happen that easily.

-I hope you're taking my advice of stretching some scenes out where you are now, because there are still details I wish you'd done more with. Who were Stephanie or Phil? Why were they there? Are they coming back? What's their story? I would liked to have seen more about them.
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
-I hope you're taking my advice of stretching some scenes out where you are now, because there are still details I wish you'd done more with. Who were Stephanie or Phil? Why were they there? Are they coming back? What's their story? I would liked to have seen more about them.
I think I had plans for them, but they didn't work out. I can't remember what I was going to do with them exactly, but I do remember that while writing that chapter they felt more like a passerby character than important plot oriented characters.
 
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