This is quite possibly the best fanfic I've read so far! Keep up the good work!
They will rue the day?They will rue the day they made Jayden Sector join the fight! Sincerely, Dad.”
I thought the music notes were a nice touch at first, but as I read on, they kept making me break off an go back to them, distracting from them as I was reading. I mean, it didn't ruin the passage or anything, but it distracted me a bit.“♫ Ring ring ring! Ring ring ring! Phone call! Phone call! ♫” the phone blared. “♫ Ring ring ring! Ring ring ring! Phone call! Phone call! ♫”
Yeah... Hardcore Fail...Jayden walked over to the bed, seeing that it was dust free. Kaylie walked to the other side of the room, closing the door, the little light in the room disappearing. Jayden turned quickly, feeling Kaylie’s presence right by him.
“What are yo-”
Before he could finish, Kaylie placed her lips on his, pulling him close to her. Shocked, Jayden couldn’t do anything, but act on instinct. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her tightly. When they broke apart, all they could do was look at each other, staring into each other’s eyes. Kaylie placed her hand onto Jayden’s chest, feeling his racing heartbeat. The two teens fell onto the bed, Kaylie lying on top of Jayden. As they kissed again, the small amount of light that remained in the room vanished. Jayden knew what was going to happen, but for some reason he couldn’t fight it. He just couldn’t say no.
The inside was very narrow, a staircase to the right. Running up the stairs, Jayden landed on a large second floor. There was very little light, all the windows being blocked by curtains or wood panels. He took in a breath, but soon found himself coughing; dust invading his lungs.
This makes for aslightly confusing predicament. Is our Jayden named for his grandfather then? It's a nice bit of foreshadowing, nonetheless, but it wants to eirher read as an old note (I suspect how you want it), or as one that Gramps wrote because he found out his Grandson was getting tied up and he's gone to Kanto for who knows why to strike back.Take care of your sister, Daniel. I will be back soon. I will write you a letter every day when I get to Kanto. They will rue the day they made Jayden Sector join the fight! Sincerely, Dad.”
I don't think we're going to like when he finds out who Kaylie is...“…then Team Lustrous kidnapped my brother and I’ve been searching for him ever since. We came close to getting him back, but that damn Alexander stopped me!”
Technically, this is an okay sentence, but its an awkward read. The first partis Hope sypathizing more specifically than hte second part.“I understand that. It’s tough to lose someone you love, especially to those scumbags.”
Awkward tense change there.A scuffle sounded from the other side, a girl falling through a door. She hit the floor hard, her brown hair covering her face.
“Marina!” Lorin called, starting to run over to her.
Also technically correct, but "prepared" feels a lot more like a verb here, when it's supposed to be a synonym for words liek "ready"Swinging its sharp claws, it looked prepared to battle.
Yay for envirnment!Charmeleon watched as his opponent ran around him, jumping into the air. The fire type jumped back, spewing flames onto the tile floor. When Nidorino landed, he jumped back into the air, his feet burning from the fire. Landing on his side, Nidorino pushed himself back up.
What, no Poison Point?The fire type grabbed hold of Nidorino’s horn, sliding back a little before coming to a complete stop. Mustering all the strength he could, Charmeleon swung Nidorino over his head, slamming him into the floor. The tile cracked, small shards shooting everywhere.
Something feels slightly off to me here, as well. Lorin's spends all this time looking for Marina, finds her, and then in six sentences she's turned out into the world with a water rabbit. I know we have enough people in the main cast, but it undoes all of Lorin's "Find my sister" biography to do it this way. he found her, big whoop, now he's arm candy for Ho-“Marina, I need you to go straight home,” Lorin told her, grabbing her shoulder. “Mom and Dad will be happy to see you. I need to help out my friend Hope here. I may not be home for a while. Take my Azumaril for protection.”
Marina nodded as her brother handed her a Poké Ball. The girl ran out of the house, not looking back. Recalling Charmeleon, Lorin noticed the tear on Hope’s face, wiping it away.
House repetitionOutside the house, the group of now four stared at the house.
That should be COULD, not can. Your grammar has been good up to this point, but I figured I'd note this one.instead focusing on when they can cross the street.
I wouldn't say "gut" twice in succession: you could have said "midsection" the second time.but was hit in the gut by Ledyba’s head. Cyndaquil rolled over in pain, clutching her gut
I think I had plans for them, but they didn't work out. I can't remember what I was going to do with them exactly, but I do remember that while writing that chapter they felt more like a passerby character than important plot oriented characters.-I hope you're taking my advice of stretching some scenes out where you are now, because there are still details I wish you'd done more with. Who were Stephanie or Phil? Why were they there? Are they coming back? What's their story? I would liked to have seen more about them.