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Hidden Gems and Hollow Lies -PG13

GastlyMan

Ghost Type Trainer
Not chapter 2...but I'm making progress

so...85% through huh


Yeah. I actually decided to rewrite chapter 2, but I have so much schoolwork that progress is really slow. I worked on it for about an hour and a half today hoping to finish it but it's still not done yet!

It's going to be really long though, so keep an eye out for the next update.

In fact...

Includes a flashback to Victor's meeting with Raikou, a new member to Zev's team, and a dragon legendary I designed myself!
Yet from deep within the bushes – someone was watching. Two pairs of glittering, malicious eyes – one black, one blue. Eyes that peered curiously from their leafy hideout as they watched the threesome head towards town.


The twin black glittering orbs turned left to the narrowed blue pair of eyes next to it.


“New trainers.” The voice came as a soft hiss, like cold air rushing frantically out of the depths of a dark cave. “Look at the kid now, all ready to start his journey! We’ll be sure to give them a…warm welcome, no?”


The other voice was less icy, but carried a grim, bitter sort of tone. The creature narrowed its glacier blue eyes once more. “Oh, yes. They will be warm all right, roasting as they will be over an open flame in our fire.”
Give me..three? weeks and I'll have it up. :D Trust me, it's far from over.
Edit:
Expect some more from me this month (December). You guys are extremely helpful! I can't thank you enough!!
No, I haven't given up on it. :)
 
Last edited:

kittyguy2008

The Piano Man
...

...uuuuuuuuuuuh...its been 3 months;492-s;;492-s;
 

GastlyMan

Ghost Type Trainer
Yeah, cause your postcount went above 20... ^^

Finished the chapter, BUT my computer's Internet has been destroyed because of the rainstorm we just had. Be patient; it'll be ready once I retype it all on my phone (which will be a few days; it's a pain to post from this tiny keyboard).
 

GastlyMan

Ghost Type Trainer
Chapter 2...finally!

Thankfully, my computer is ok now.
@moonlightning: Thanks! And yes, it does suck!
@kittyguy2008: Wow...3 1/2 feet?! We don't ever get snow here...just rain.
Thanks for the comments guys, it means a lot.
Chapter 2: Someone’s Watching Me
Location: Brilliance Forest, Rizen Region.
Time: Midafternoon, around 2 p.m., at springtime. However, our world is still locked in night’s grim embrace, in the autumn cool.

Sunlight streamed through rows of oak trees in a series of slanted yellow columns, illuminating an auburn carpet of fallen leaves underfoot. The chirping of various bird Pokémon, such as Swellow and Starly, blended with the warm spring wind rushing through the tree branches.

Zev stood in an amber pool of sunlight beside a small clear pond littered with orange leaves, marveling how the verdant scent of the trees and the soft caress of the sunlight warmed him from the inside and put a huge grin on his normally somber face. It was an enormous relief after being bombarded with the clear needles of the rain only a short time beforehand.

Sierra smiled, her pink wings fluttering rapidly as she clasped her locket, floating beside Zev.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

Zev nodded, kicking a stone into the pond and watching the ripples. “I feel…happy. I haven’t really felt that in a long time. This is an awesome place.”

“Good!” Sierra took him by the hand and led him towards the nearby town, nodding in an approving manner. “Just wait until nightfall. You’ll be scared out of your mind.”

Zev blanched pale. “Wonderful.”

Shuppet laughed at this, his blue and yellow eyes taking on a teasing gleam as he used his disembodied shadowy hand to poke his trainer in the stomach. “Awww…little Zevvy is scared of the big bad monsters and ghosties! Does little Zev-Zev need his mommy to come protect him because it’s so scary? Looks like Zevvy needs a change of diapers because he might not be able to control himself! Oh, no, Zevvy!” He cackled as Zev gave him an extremely irritated look.

Sierra grinned wickedly as they arrived at Swelleaf Town, which was only fifty or so feet away from where they had exited their travel portal.

“Oh, Shuppet, look! An angry Vespiquen!”

Shuppet gasped and dove into safety behind Zev. “Where?!”

Zev snickered. “Oh, it’s close by…and it’s a pretty big one, too!”

Muffled screams came from behind. “DON’T LET IT DESTROY ME! WAAAHHHH!”

Zev closed his dark eyes, absorbing the warmth of the sunlight and feeling more energized every minute. “Shuppet…”

His Pokémon’s bawls continued. “I DON’T WANNA DIE! MOMMY!”

With a flourish, Zev turned around and clipped Shuppet neatly over the head. “We were joking, Momma’s Boy.”

“Oh.” Shuppet glared at his trainer icily. “I see. Liar.”

“The Professor’s lab is the big brown building right over there.” Sierra pointed to a two-story structure that had the external appearance of a well-furnished museum. “I’ll see you both tonight. Remember, you go home in three days, and then you return in another three.” She paused. “Be strong. And enjoy your first day on your long journey!”

Zev nodded wordlessly. Inside, his heart stirred with a mixture of fear and excitement. In just a few minutes, he would receive his second Pokémon at the laboratory…

…and start his adventure.

Shuppet grinned widely at the Celebi. “Soo…what’s wrong with you coming with us?”

Sierra grasped her golden heart locket tightly, blushing faintly. “Erm…Prior arrangements.”

“But you have time travel!” Shuppet looked at her, making the most pitiful face he could manage. His blue and yellow eyes were giant twin orbs of cuteness as he grinned widely. “Come with us to the lab, and then go smooch your BF, lover girl! Don’t leave us here alone!”

“But Shuppet,” Sierra whispered faintly, “you don’t understand. Even if I can turn back time, it will still feel like an eternity until we reunite again.”

“If that wasn’t the most adorable statement that I have ever heard,” Shuppet spat, “I would be screaming at you. And possibly throwing heavy objects in your direction.”

“Well, boys,” Sierra smiled, hugging the duo briefly and causing them to turn a faint shade of red, “I’ll be seeing you! Until tonight!” She headed back towards the travel portal.

Swelleaf town was a tiny community consisting of a group of small houses. It was nestled in a clearing near the edge of the forest. Leaves littered the ground as Zev stepped from dirt trail to a concrete path. There was only one road for vehicles, and it appeared run-down and cracked, as if it had not been used in ages. The town was almost like a peaceful park, with benches, fountains, trash cans, a small brook…and hardly any people. A few kids played on a nearby playground, watched by an elderly couple. A man ran his lawnmower quietly across the grass, making no noise other than a faint whirr.

Two pairs of eyes peered out from cover of the bushes.

The first pair glowed black under the shade of the leaves, narrowing in concentration as it watched Zev and Shuppet trudge up the concrete path towards the Professor’s lab.

The voice came as a somber hiss, like the cold northern wind rushing through an icy crevasse.

“A new trainer and his Pokémon, hmm? Splendid. We’ll be sure to give them a…warm welcome, eh, Zack?”

The second pair of eyes was a brilliant, icy blue. The voice was warmer, but nonetheless foreboding.

“Oh, yes, Sohn. Very warm. They’ll roast very well over the hot flames of our cooking fire.”

“Part of me wants to just go get them now!” The first’s voice was ridden with frustration. “I’m tired of waiting! They are weak; they argue constantly, can’t agree on anything. Perfect for a sacrifice!”

The second laughed coldly. “Patience, my friend. Wait, and they may bring friends.”

Sohn nodded slowly, making a subtle rustling noise from where he hid. “I see…”

“I will help you. I will follow them; ensnare them; and soon they will be ours.”

“For the” – the last word was whispered reverently, like a ghost of a wolf howling at the brilliance of the moon – “sacrifice.”

With a whoosh, the two eyes vanished, leaving nothing but empty bush.

It was only the beginning of the journey.

And Zev and his team were already being pursued.
____
Location: Outside Compass Industries Office, Ghost Park City.
Time: Mid-morning.


The suited businessman looked respectable and honest enough, walking with a steady stride as he carried a briefcase in one hand and a black bag in the other, his well-polished dress shoes click-clacking steadily on the concrete path that led up to the entrance of his office building. He limped slightly, due to an accident that had happened the day before.


From a side door, another man exited the building. He stood tall and muscular, carrying a briefcase of his own. He walked at a pace considerably faster than the first man, breathing steadily and calmly with a tempo synced perfectly to the quick rhythm of his feet on the sun-baked concrete. His walk looked hypnotic, almost robotic, yet with the small, smug smile on his face one could tell that he was anything but the stereotypical stiff businessperson.


It was indeed a sunny day, with bright rays that bathed the Compass Industries building and the surrounding grass and forest in their soft yellow light. From the edge of the woods the sounds of various wild Pokemon could be heard from within the trees and the bushes – scurrying, squeaking, chirping, burrowing. It was the perfect day to spend outside, for summer was not far off.


The muscular, tall, confident man met with his slimmer colleague at a midpoint on the concrete path. The two were by a stone fountain of a Rapidash, which sprayed water cheerfully out of its mouth into a clear shimmering pool as it stood facing the woods, rearing up into the sky, as if it were ready to dash out and race into the forest.


The man grinned. His teeth were white and perfectly straight, and as he spoke he swiftly pulled a comb out of his jacket pocket, running it once through his smooth, parted brown hair. Instead of wearing his normal business suit, he was clad in an athletic tank top and shorts, although he still carried his briefcase.


“Victor!” He patted the man on the back with a muscled arm, almost knocking him over in the process. “My finest chemist! What in the name of Arceus are you doing, heading inside on such a…fine day like today?”


Victor was at a loss. He shouldered his black bag uneasily. “Well, Godino, I was going to work…like I usually do.”


Godino laughed – a cheery, bright melody that blended with the whispering wind and was carried out among the trees and rivers of the nearby woodlands. Yet his laughter was laced with the slightest hint of anger – brusque, harsh anger that caused myriad beads of sweat to cascade slowly down Victor’s face and fall to the ground.


“Victor, Victor, my boy…what are we going to do with you…We are out of Helyana herb, which, as you very well know, is an essential ingredient to manufacturing Poke-Power! And just how” – he turned to his employee while brandishing his clenched fist threateningly – “are we going to make any progress if we don’t have the sufficient supplies?! Victor, you complete idiot! Go change, get off your lazy behind, and go get your Pokémon and those gardening tools! We have work to be done! Unless you would like a new job?! I heard there’s a new position down at the cemetery…as a grave tester!”


Victor shook his head, avoiding his boss’ icy gaze. “No, no. I’ll go change right now. Just…” Without another word, he sprinted off towards home to get a change of clothes, yelling in pain every time his injured leg made contact with the dusty trail.

Godino grinned wickedly, his hand reaching for the Ultra Balls on his belt.
“You have five minutes. Or you are fired. Good day to you, Victor!” Smiling in a self-satisfied way, he sat down by the stone fountain and pulled out his briefcase, jotting down notes to himself as he waited.

He pulled out his cell phone and quickly dialed a phone number.

“Lemuel…”

The voice of his other chief chemist answered. “You require my assistance, sir?”

“Come downstairs to the Rapidash fountain. You, Victor, and I have work to do.”

____

Location: Unknown area, Rizen region.

Time: Midafternoon.

The dragon paced restlessly inside the moss-covered, ancient temple in which he was imprisoned. His chains clanked endlessly on the cool concrete as he gave vent to his fury, releasing a pyrotechnic blast of fire that did little other than scorch the walls. His breath fell in a ragged metronome of frustrated gasps.

The sun beat intensely over the steamy jungle. Endless rows of trees stood over a green carpet of moss. Only a few clouds pervaded the simplicity of the bright blue sky.

The temple was situated on the rim of an enormous canyon. Great pinnacles of rocks dotted the otherwise endless jungle, rising high into the air and casting eerie shadows across the trees. It was as if a spectral army of fallen soldiers had risen from the grave and was involved in a bloody skirmish.

The Elegon was a Dragon/Steel type named, quite simply enough, Steele. When unchained, he stood eight feet tall. His muscled arms could topple buildings hundreds of times his size; his gray and white scales were an impenetrable hide. On his right arm was a miniature computer monitor; and on his soft belly was a gray pattern of flames. His great wings could take him thousands of feet into the air, powering him into a hundred-foot loop well into the troposphere. His steel claws could inflict deadly wounds.

Yet here he was – chained in an isolated chamber, unable to release himself. Arceus himself had cursed those chains, making it impossible for even the strongest of Pokémon to escape without the proper tools. He was punished forever, for a crime he did not commit.

However, he had a plan.

He just needed –

The black, somber Murkrow landed next to him in a bedraggled heat, bathed in sweat, interrupting his train of thought.

“Feather!” he cried out joyously from within the temple, peering at her through a small, narrow black window.

Her voice sounded grim and lackluster, like one who worked at a mortuary.

“Man, this place is miserable. Why is there so much sunlight?! I hate it!”

Steele sighed, grinning at the Dark/Flying type. “Is the plan put into action?”

Panting, Feather wiped her brow. “I set up everything you asked. And it’s not going to work.”

Steele laughed at his pessimistic friend. “Why not, Madam Raincloud?”

Feather clacked her beak bitterly, her red eyes shining. “Because kids at the League these days are stupid. They won’t even catch on.”

“Oh, lighten up.” Steele raised his head as he watched Feather take to the air once more, ruffling her feathers as she headed towards cooler country. “It’ll work. It’ll just take time.”

Feather spat onto the dust of the rainforest below her. “Don’t hold your breath. Anyway, see ya.”

Steele’s grin faded after the bird disappeared on the horizon. It could get awfully lonely around here. Feather was not even supposed to know of his location. He could only hope his plan would work.

Yet as the intense midday sun started to head west, and the chirping and cawing of the jungle escalated in both volume and intensity, Steele’s optimism slowly began to fade as doubt set in. He had been stuck here already for ten years, and the heat and the solitude were enough to drive one mad.

His worry changed.

Into anger.

Rage is like a sudden storm. It attacks suddenly; ruthlessly, and then obliterates everything in its path.

He roared. It was a cry of fury; a cry of pain. Yet struggle as he might, he could not release the bonds.

The chains clanked one final time; an empty sound that echoed throughout the lost jungle and broke the stillness of the rainforest. A dull thud was heard as Steele slumped down in defeat.

____

Zev and Shuppet trudged together up the path that led towards the Professor’s office.

Zev yawned. “So, heard much about the Professor here?”

Shuppet was about to reply when he was cut off by Zev’s scream.

“WHOA! What the heck!?”

A brown skinny hand had spontaneously slapped him on the back. Its owner, a thin, curly-haired boy about Zev’s age, was running at full force in the direction of the laboratory. The boy turned back towards Zev and nodded at him.


“Hey, kid! Today’s the last time the Professor will be handing out starters until the end of summer. And the faster we get them, the faster we can get on the road. You coming?”


“Yeah.” Zev was confused as he let out a hand to the strange boy. “And I’m not ‘kid.’ I’m Zev. Ghost here is Shuppet.”


“Lockhammer,” the boy grinned, shaking hands. “Terrance Lockhammer. I’d prefer to start with the water type, but I’ll take anything!”


Zev nodded absently, his brown eyes widening as they focused on the boy’s bottom half. For as a top he wore a simple gray T-shirt, with a huge black backpack. But, down below…


“Um, Terrance…Why are you wearing Psyduck slippers and Chimchar pajama bottoms?”


Terrance looked down at his lower half, eyes widening in horror. “Oh, Arceus, no.


Shuppet s******ed at this. “Forgot to get dressed?”


The boy nodded, reddening. “Umm, yeah.”


Zev was about to reply when suddenly, out of nowhere, he felt rather than heard a forceful smack of something plastic on the side of his head. The culprit was a bright green bottle, and it proceeded to hit Terrance forcefully as well.


“Yeowch!” Zev and Terrance both couldn’t have had a more confusing day.


The bottle was held by a stocky girl of a muscular build, who wore a black sweater and had blond hair that fell past her shoulders. On her back was a bright blue backpack. She cocked her bottle like a baseball bat and proceeded to swing yet again, but stopped and glared at the boys threateningly. In her other hand was a bag of Lay’s barbecue chips.


The girl glared daggers at Terrance, her long blond hair waving in the breeze. “Terrance!”


Terrance jumped, his heart frozen within his chest. “I’m sorry, Sage, I’m so so sorry!”


“Sorry for what?” Zev looked at Terrance and the angry girl in evident confusion.


Shuppet laughed. “This is gonna be good.”


Sage glared at Terrance, taking a long swig of her soda. She then wiped her mouth and proceeded to speak, swinging the bottle back and forth as she did so. “I told you to wake me up on time! But noooo! And now we’re all going to have to fight for the scraps when the Professor gives out the starters! You, me, and that emo kid!”


“Hi.” Zev stared at the two blankly as he waved.


Terrance sighed, spreading his arms in protest. “Sage, it’s two-thirty. We’re not late. We’re just on time. And besides, who sleeps in that long, anyway?! That’s just lazy!”


“Shut up!” WHACK! Terrance recoiled as the bottle of liquid – which Zev could now see from its labeling was some sort of lemon-lime soda – hit him square in the face. “I’m ANGRY!” Sage was breathing heavily, like a mad Vigoroth about to charge.


“Whoa, Sage. Calm down.” Terrance rubbed his now-bleeding nose ruefully. “…And slow down on the Mountain Dew.”


“Ahh, Mountain Dew.” Sage’s face took on a dreamy look as she stared at the soda bottle with an expression of utter bliss on her face. “The nectar of the gods.” She took a long drink, sighing in satisfaction as she finished. “If there is ever a heaven on this blessed planet, it is in this taste.” She then pulled out a handful of barbecue chips from her bag and began eating, crunching busily as she held out the open bag. “Chips, guys?”


“Ooh.” Zev reached into the bag and grabbed some. “Thanks.”


WHACK! Sage smacked his hand with the bottle of soda. “That’s for affiliating with the enemy, jerk.”


Zev shrieked as the handful of chips fell towards the ground, his hand recoiling in shock at the blow as they spilled all over the concrete path. “Heyy! That was uncalled for!”


“Enemy!?” Terrance headed in the direction of the Professor’s lab. “We’re best friends! Or at least we were…”


Sage didn’t answer. Instead, she took off at a brisk pace in the direction of the professor’s lab, bypassing Terrance as she did so, shouldering her purse with a huff.


“Hey, wait up!” Terrance began jogging on the concrete path, a comical sight indeed as he almost tripped over his Psyduck slippers.


“Let’s face it, Zevvy.” Shuppet sighed as they followed Terrance at a slower pace. “We’re surrounded by lunatics.”


Massaging his arm and the cylinder-shaped red mark that had appeared under his black jacket, Zev laughed. “Tell me about it. You’re one yourself!”


Shuppet narrowed his yellow and blue eyes. “Are you threatening me, child?”


“Perhaps, sonny boy.” Zev grinned wickedly as he followed Terrance and Sage into the laboratory.


The lab’s exterior had the appearance of a museum. Glass windows dotted the brown wooden exterior. An immense black plaque hung above the double glass doors that read “Pokémon Research Laboratory Headquarters, Swelleaf Town, Rizen.” Below, in slightly smaller but no less noticeable writing, was a bright blue banner reading “PROF. SEQUOIA IS THE SHIZZLE.”


“The ‘shizzle?’” Zev ran a hand through his long black hair as he read the plaque and banner, confused. “What the…”


Sage laughed, pulling on the silver-trimmed door handle. “Well, Sequoia is pretty awesome…”


The foursome walked inside, their footsteps echoing through the laboratory as they left the sunny spring afternoon behind them.


The interior of the laboratory looked more like a glorified hunting lodge than a research facility. A merry fire crackled in the rear of the lab, which was furnished with couches and armchairs. Books lined the left side of the room, stretching in endless rows of shelves from top to bottom. On the right side of the room was a P.C., which stood adjacent to various whimsical electronic devices, probably for lab work. Picture frames of different parts of Rizen were hung wherever there was spare wall space, and – creepily enough – a pair of Stantler antlers hung over the fireplace. And, to Zev’s bewilderment, a rug that looked oddly like a decapitated Ursaring hide lay spread-eagled across the hardwood floor only a few feet away from him.


When Zev first read the name “Professor Sequoia,” he was picturing a tall, ancient old man, gray and weathered from years of travel and wise from hours of study.


He was completely wrong.


Behind a messy table labeled “Professor’s Desk,” an extremely attractive woman was engaged in a heated argument with a morbidly obese youth, who was tossing a Dusk Ball from hand to hand like a weapon. Next to them was a small computer that was used to register new trainers.


The lady, who wore a nametag reading “Prof. Sequoia,” brandished an official-looking, torn document in the boy’s face as she yelled at him. Distressed, she ran a hand through her long brown hair.


Her brilliant blue eyes gazed into the youth’s brown ones as she screamed at him at the top of her lungs. “FORTY-FIVE BUCKS! That is the League Fee, Rawland! Don’t dispute it! You may not come back until it is paid!”


With an agonized sigh, Rawland let his arms drop to his sides, toying with his Dusk Ball. “It’s ‘cause I’m fat, Sequoia, isn’t it?! I’m not walking all the way back to my house to get the money when I’m already going to have to walk half a gazillion miles for my journey, okay? Just sign me up! The League won’t know the difference!”


Sequoia crossed her pale, slender arms adamantly, running a brush through her elegant brown hair with a flourish. “That would be lying about you! Do you want me to lie about you?”


Rawland growled like a maddened Entei. “FINALLY you see my point of view. PLEASE DO!


Shuppet cackled as he whispered to Zev furtively. “This is gonna be good, eh buddy?”


Zev snickered. “Oh, yeah.”


Sequoia’s voice escalated to a fever pitch. “All right then, I will lie about you! You’re very smart and good-looking, and I really like you!”


“Ouch,” Sage commented wryly, smirking, as Rawland turned beet red, his fat vibrating as he shook in fury. “He’s gonna blow…”


“Forty-five bucks!” Sequoia flashed a brilliantly white smile in triumph as he stomped out the door, muttering to himself. She laughed slowly. “Stupid kid…oh, hey, is someone else here?”


She whirled around in a wave of perfume to see a tanned boy clad in black, a skinny youth wearing Chimchar pajamas, a girl hefting a bottle of soda, and a purple ghost, all staring at her like she had just committed a murder.

“Er, hi, kids.” Embarrassed at her outburst, she grabbed a mug from off of her desk and offered it to the teens. “Um…hot chocolate?”


Terrance indicated the thermometer on the wall. “It’s seventy-five degrees outside.”


Sequoia ignored him, blushing red in embarrassment. Flashing a perfect smile, she booted up her computer and logged on. “First, you’ll need your trainer cards…”


____


Location: Just outside Compass Experimentation Office, Ghost Park City.

Time: Late morning.


Victor stood in the sunlight by the stone Rapidash fountain, clad in an athletic T-shirt and shorts and clasping a bright green Dusk Ball.


Godino sneered at him, eyeing his chemist’s body in contempt. It was not scrawny, but pale and mediocre, as opposed to Godino’s strong bulk. “Very well, Victor. I can see you’ve been working out.” He laughed at his own sarcastic joke, muscles gleaming in the sunlight as Victor glared at him with a silent gaze of ice. “I’d think twice next time before wearing short sleeves, man. The ladies might be a little overwhelmed with temptation! Hehe, they won’t be able to resist the hotness of your dreamy body!” His gaze hardened like steel as he brought his fist down upon the fountain’s brim emphatically. “Where is that co-worker of yours, Vic?”


“Hello, ladies.” A gaunt, dark-skinned young man wearing all green materialized out of the fountain’s shadow, grinning eerily. He gripped a Pokeball in one hand and a pocketknife in the other, leaning against the stone statue. “I’ve been here the whole time. Missed me much?” His voice was cool and collected, like an Antarctic wind.


Creepy, Godino mused inwardly. Outwardly, though, he dismissed the chemist with a wave of his hand. “Very well, Lemuel. You both know the ingredients; bring them back by eleven o’clock tonight. Then you may leave. Normal day’s pay. Now if you’ll excuse me,” he released his black Charizard in a flash of white and clambered on its back, “I have some training to do. I’ll be checking up on you guys every couple of hours. Oh, and don’t look for me. I’ll be watching you guys…always watching.”


“Eleven o’clock tonight!?” In despair, Victor put his head in his hands. He would never get home! “That’s overtime! If we don’t get paid extra, that’s illegal!”


The Charizard growled softly as Godino laughed.


His laugh was merry. It echoed through the city and the forest.


His laugh was deep; his grin wicked.


His laugh dripped with oozing hatred as his gaze hardened.


“Victor,” he said softly, “I’m sorry. I take the blame.”


“For…?”


Godino’s gaze was like steel as he glared at Victor. “For giving you the false impression that I actually cared about what you had to say.” He gritted his perfectly white teeth in fury. “Now you had better shut your mouth, or I will soon be having a very…pleasant reconciliation with your family members.”


With a roar, the shiny dragon took to the sunny skies and set off towards the Ghost Park Forest.


Lemuel stood uncomfortably close to Victor, putting a skinny arm around his co-worker’s middle. “Then I guess we’ll be working very…close together, my boy, if you catch my drift!” He broke out in hysterics as Victor quickly shoved him away, shuddering in disgust.


Not at all enthusiastic about entering a haunted forest with his creepy co-worker, even during daylight hours, Victor swallowed nervously. “Umm…you go ahead, Lem. I’ll catch up…later.”


Lemuel cackled at this, reaching back and tying his long black hair into a ponytail. “Oh, no, Vicky. We are co-chemists for a reason. Our boss specifically told me to keep an eye on you…although it’s not like he won’t be watching.” He laughed as he tossed his Pokeball into the air, releasing a short Pokémon that seemed to be made entirely of branches tipped with small leaves. These branches were arranged in a way that made him look vaguely hominoid. “Belibranch, use X-Ray Beam!”


The spindly Grass/Ghost type Pokémon tipped his red cowboy hat so that it covered his eyes. He blew a single, high-pitched note on his white flute. He spread his branch-like arms widely, enveloping the forest temporarily in a faint flash of violet.


Belibranch paused. “I detect a patch of herb two miles north.”


“Excellent.” Lemuel grinned hugely as he pulled a slim black garbage bag from out of his back pocket. “We’ll bag as much of it as we can. And Godino didn’t notice, but we’re out of trockweed as well. So we’ll be gathering some of that before we leave tonight.”


Victor noticed that the Pokémon’s attack had caused a weak chill to descend over the entire forest. Gripping his Dusk Ball, he prepared to send out a Pokémon of his own, a ghost type as well.


“Come on out, Saw! Help me navigate! And” – his voice dropped to a whisper as he addressed the hovering spectral being that now stood beside him – “help me make sure that Lemuel doesn’t do anything creepy. He keeps looking in my direction, like he wants to eat me or something.”


The Sawloja, a Bug/Ghost type with a barely visible, transparent body that looked like a torn sheet, closed her black eyes and wordlessly nodded. Three lights – two purple and one yellow – on her antennae buzzed faintly as she turned to face the forest, flapping her brown wings. They were lined with sharp rows of teeth, like twin saws that moved up and down hypnotically in the cool air.


Lemuel smiled, not hearing Victor’s whisper. “Very well, then.” He headed off into the green foliage of the forest, near the place where Victor had caught Demursa.


And made one vital mistake.


He had turned his back.


Victor saw his chance.


He would avoid an extremely…erm, uncomfortable day on the job with his creepy co-worker. Working with him in the office, with supervision, was one thing. Being alone in the woods was probably hazardous to his safety.


Victor saw his chance.

He reached in his belt for his Timer Ball and yanked it out furiously, releasing Raikou in a flash of white light.

His battle commands came out as a faint whisper as Rai and Sawloja leaned in towards him, nodding. Now, the only sound was the melody of the breeze, blending subtly with the call of birds in the trees. The smell of the fallen leaves which carpeted the forest floor was rich and heavy, while sunlight streamed down in columned shafts from gaps within the trees.

Identical grins spread widely on the faces of Victor and his Pokémon as Victor pointed towards Lemuel’s retreating back and commanded in a furtive whisper.

“Raikou, Body Slam!”

Raikou leapt into the air, muscles rippling as he sped through the air in a hundred-foot leap. Grinning, he brought his heavy body on top of the unsuspecting Lemuel, knocking the wind out of him.

Lemuel gasped uncomfortably. “Noo! Belibranch, Shadow Ball!”

Victor smiled as he jogged up to his fallen colleague, shaking his head in pity. “Stupid Lemuel.”

He raised a gloved finger into the air as he screamed out his command to the spring winds:

“Sawloja, Dying Call! Rai, cover!”

The short, spindly creature raised an arm made entirely out of branches, out of which emanated a rapidly spinning sphere of purple light. He grinned wickedly as he played a couple of quiet notes on his flute with his free hand, tossing the sphere casually up and down like a basketball.

His voice came out as a strange, soft whisper, like the northern wind rushing like a ghost over a frozen lake. Setting down his flute, he pulled his hat over his eyes. “Ha! A moth and a kitty. How…sweet. Wanna play, boys?”

The Shadow Ball split in two as he hurled it into the air. It pulsated, vibrant with a purple aura.

Sawloja attempted to dodge it, but shrieked when it seemed to follow her no matter where she fluttered. “Crap…Is this thing heat-seeking or something? I can’t attack with it chasing me like this!”

Rai took the full brunt of the attack, shrugging as he lay down on top of Lemuel, who was rapidly losing consciousness. “Just do the freaking Dying Call!

The ghost moth Pokémon winced as she pushed the Shadow Ball away with her saw-like wings. It had hurt her, but she was still able to battle. Her voice was shrill and edged with panic, yet Victor could not help but admire the way she inhaled deeply and tried to carry on. “Have it your way, then!”

Time seemed to freeze as she whispered with an icy, chilled voice that dripped with utmost hatred. Birds stopped their incessant chatter and their part of the forest was enveloped in an enormous cloud of blood-red fog.
She continued to speak. Belibranch was attempting to ready another Shadow Ball, but looked exhausted for some reason, and thus it took him much longer than anticipated to prepare the beam of purple light for his attack. Raikou held two paws to his ears as the thundercloud on his back pulsated and sparkled with nervous electricity. Victor stood with his hands over his ears as well, watching the battle with narrowed eyes.

Sawloja’s voice was cold. Victor could still hear it, ever so slightly, even as he attempted to block out the sound. Her vacant black eyes stared at the trembling Belibranch as he released the Shadow Ball. To his utmost horror, she simply waved her saw-like left wing and hit it into the trees like a bothersome baseball.

“…and even as tomorrow the sun will rise…”

The sun had vanished behind the red fog. Victor stared transfixed at the trees. No longer were they vibrant with green foliage and busy with the flurry of small Pokémon that called them home. Instead, they were charred black, and their ghastly branches reached hopelessly into the reddening sky like the claws of a mad demon.

Victor practically had a heart attack as he looked down at his trembling knees. With a gasp of horror, he realized that while he still wore his athletic clothes, his legs were gone.

They were replaced by twin bones, bleached white and trembling slightly with fear at the true power of his Pokémon.

He was a skeleton. Dead.

Similarly, Raikou’s skeleton laid on a crumbled pile of bones – Lemuel’s already unconscious form. Belibranch, on the other hand, seemed to be covered in flames.

Sawloja finished the Call.

“…this pitiful worthless soul shall as good as die.

The Belibranch turned pale. He shivered violently; uncontrollably. His eyes glazed over as he fell to the ground in a dead faint, covered in ashes and dust.

Sawloja lowered her twin saws, and the fog vanished. The sun returned, and the forest was green once more.

And, Victor realized with a relieved sigh, his normal body was back.
With a grin, Raikou leapt off of Lemuel’s unconscious figure, which lay sprawled out in a messy heap by a very charred Belibranch.

He raised his paw into the air and slapped Sawloja’s wing in a sort of high five, careful to avoid the sharp blades.

“Nice job, girl!”

Sawloja grinned, her antennae flashing. “Thanks.” Suddenly, she let out a yowl of pain, and fell with a dull thud onto the ground, clutching her transparent stomach.

Rai moved closer. “Sawloja, are you all…”

Victor held out his Dusk Ball, shaking his head grimly. “She needs a rest.”
With a moan, Sawloja shuddered faintly and then moved no more. Wiping his brow, Victor recalled her in a flash of light, placing the Dusk Ball back into his belt.

Raikou looked confused. “What happened?”

“Dying Call causes the user to become poisoned after using the attack,” Victor sighed. “She looked really tired; she must’ve not been able to take the poison. Poor thing.”

Silence reigned for a few seconds, until Raikou turned Lemuel over a few times with his paw in disgust. “Is he dead?”

Victor shook his head. “Nooo, no. I don’t want to kill anyone yet. This is just to get him out of the way for today before he tries anything” – he shuddered – “you know, creepy.” He reached into Lemuel’s pocket and found his Pokeball. Recalling Belibranch, he slipped it back into the unconscious man’s pocket.

With a grunt, Rai lifted up Lemuel and trudged over to the nearby office’s garage. He shoved him into a sitting position and was about to close the door when Victor stopped him.

His eyes glittered with a strange light as he walked toward his co-worker. “…And then, Lemuel fell off a cliff. Poor guy was unconscious; we just set him in here because we wanted to ensure his safety. We couldn’t abandon the mission, Godino.”

Rai looked at his trainer in confusion until he realized that he was planning on making up a story to tell their boss. “Umm…okay…”

Victor, still with that strange look in his eyes, reached towards Lemuel’s green sweatpants and pulled out a slim black object, tossing it from hand to hand carelessly. “…Some of his gear was lost in the fall. We had no way of retrieving it. Poor guy; I feel terrible that this had to happen to him.”

Raikou let out a soft growl. “Victor, don’t take his wallet…”

Victor whirled around, stuffing the wallet into his shorts pocket and turning fierce eyes on his captured Pokémon. “And just why not, Raikou? I work overtime from before sunup to after sundown every single day for my family to have a decent life, and I get treated like property from Mister Muscles Man and his freaking perverted stalker pedophilic assistant!”

Spit flew across the room as he shook in uncontrollable rage.

“Victor…” Rai turned soft yellow eyes on his trainer in pity. “Knocking him unconscious was enough. You shouldn’t…”

Victor cut his Pokémon off. “Don’t you understand, Raikou?! I am working with complete idiots, okay? They won’t ever leave me alone, and they never have! Sometimes when people treat you like complete garbage, you start to feel like complete garbage yourself! Don’t you freaking GET IT!?”
Rai shook his head, eyes downcast at the garage floor. “That is no excuse to take his personal property.”

Victor became outraged. He spluttered on his own words, showering a disgusted Raikou in a rain of spit. “Do you know how many times they’ve taken MY OWN PROPERTY?! Those two, you stupid, were part of THEM! Every day back in school they would knock me over, spit on me, knock books out of my hand, take my money, laugh at me, rip my stuff…and now the nightmare is happening all over again…you insensitive, stupid little idiot…”

The Raikou’s eyes flashed.

His voice lowered to a soft growl.

“You, Pokémon trainer, are about to eat those words.”

Victor trembled, mentally cursing himself for his own stupidity.

“WHY don’t you STAND UP TO THEM for once instead of holding back like a COWARD?!” Raikou’s muscles shook violently as he prepared to jump, his back sparkling with electricity while his fangs glowed with a bright yellow aura.
“Because they’re stronger than me, okay?” Tears sprang into Victor’s eyes, but he held them back stubbornly.

“We overtook Lemuel.”

“His back was turned.” Victor spat, as he placed the wallet back in Lemuel’s pocket. “Raikou, I…I’m sorry.”

“I still don’t trust you,” Raikou growled softly. “But you’re my friend and I don’t want you to do anything else stupid. Now come on, then. Let’s get the job done.”

Victor nodded as they headed off once again into the sunlit forest.

Yet he could not stop the image of the sleek black wallet, inevitably filled with a mountain of cash, from playing over and over again, like a broken record player, in the darkest area of his mind.

And within the garage, unbeknownst to the retreating figures, Lemuel stirred slightly.

His eyes opened with a flash.

____


I ended up having to split this chapter in two, or it would’ve been a lot longer…

Comments/opinions?! They will only help me improve… ^^
 

GastlyMan

Ghost Type Trainer
Thanks! Yes, Shuppet is proving to be very fun to write about. Glad you liked the description. I tried my best to paint the picture. :D

We will see a lot more of the professor next chapter; she'll be a relatively important character.

Yes, I'm trying to work on making Victor a pretty interesting character. Glad it seems to be working!
Thanks soooo much for the review, moonlightning. It means a lot to know someone is reading. :)

Updates will come more often, as long as rotten school doesn't get in the way first. ^_^
 

GastlyMan

Ghost Type Trainer
Thanks for the review kittyguy2008. :D Were there any parts of the chapter you liked the best?

Progress on chapter 3...still in the planning stage, but I should be writing it soon.
 
I'd like to start by saying that I'm one of those people that doesn't think people having caught legendaries is in any way plausible, but I haven't read the story so I can't make complaints.

Well, yet.
Location: The edge of Ghost Park Town, a rich, well-to-do small town at the foot of the Marauder Mountains, Rizen region.
Time: 11:30 PM; a spring night.

Not that this is bad or anything, but the location description is overdone and you could've formatted it better. Example below.

Ghost Park Town, Marauder Mountains, Rizen.
11:30 PM​

The yellow moon shone brightly over the dark waters of the pond, a soft breeze stirring the surface and creating countless little ripples.

You seem to suffer from borderline purple prose, which is even more tedious when you shift back to usual writing (italicized). You could've written:

The yellow moon shone brightly over the dark waters of the pond, a soft breeze stirring the surface and creating a plethora of miniature ripples.

The creature that flew over the darkened woods was round and bat-like, with glowing orange and red eyes that surveyed the scene below with a piercing gaze. Due to its black color, it was nearly invisible – besides its strangely hypnotic eyes. Two long and skinny arms protruded out of its side. Yet instead of hands, this creature possessed two sharp steel knives – for butchering its opponents. Two spindly black legs were seen below it. But instead of feet, a huge brown net was attached to them, the Sangrage’s main method of catching prey.


Two orange horns sat atop its head, and a purple nose was seen under its maddened eyes. A wide grin showed several sharp, blood-red teeth as the bat-like apparition swooped down into a clearing where two campers sat, next to a large, unused pile of decaying firewood.

These two paragraphs could've easily been connected into a single paragraph, since it's describing Sangrage and the last sentence is going into the happenings of the plot.

You seem to suffer from this a lot--all of your paragraphs are choppy and rarely extend two lines, making it difficult to read.

The paragraph describing how Shinx taste is just unnecessary; you don't mention it elsewhere, and you could've easily cut it out. In fact, it would've been better that way, as the last paragraph would've been more mysterious and intense.

Can Pokémon talk out loud or is it just Pokéspeech, so to say? Either way, you should indicate that it's a Pokémon talking.

">Like this!<" the Raikou cried.

The shiny Celebi was completely pink-colored. She fluttered in the air next to a green Celebi who was creating a bubble-like blue orb out of thin air. They were in a small clearing near the edge of the woods, surrounded by darkened trees. The green Celebi, Alexi, was practicing her psychic abilities. She turned towards Sierra, the shiny, as she indicated the orb she had created.

Aw jeez, this won't work. I don't know, legendaries is already pushing it--having more than one given legendary is outright breaking canon. To each their own, I suppose.

And now, a few finishing words. I only brought out the bad parts, as it's pointless for me to say "This is good!". That in mind, you do have a lot of potential, just work on your paragraphs and writing style (don't mix purple prose with anything else). Just work on these few things and you should be set.

Too lazy at the moment to read the other chapters.

Oh, and to kittyguy2008: Please stop spamming the thread with one-sentence posts. Anything you post here must contain something about the chapter--why you liked it, why not and other stuff. You're more than free to make casual chat, but that's what visitor messages are for. :)
 

GastlyMan

Ghost Type Trainer
Thanks SO much for the review! I do have the tedency to over-describe scenes. Honestly, though, I enjoy description-rich passages in general. The reason for writing "countless little ripples" was because anything more would've made the passage overly cumbersome.
These two paragraphs could've easily been connected into a single paragraph, since it's describing Sangrage and the last sentence is going into the happenings of the plot.
True. I just didn't want to have a giant block of text :/

Shinx tasting is for characterization of the Sangrage, and for showing that he is a predator. He won't show up again until much later, though. I'm also trying to combine dark scenes with a bit of humor. However, I'll be sure to edit that bit.

Pokemon can speak human here; it's not just translated Pokespeech or anything. I just liked the idea of being able to communicate with Pokemon in one's own language. It always bothered me when writers used <> anyway.

Aw jeez, this won't work. I don't know, legendaries is already pushing it--having more than one given legendary is outright breaking canon. To each their own, I suppose.
Sorry :( I know I'm totally breaking canon. My view on it is that Celebi are extremely rare, but more than one exist. Pretty noobish in a way, I know. I tend to break canon...a lot. Remember, though, that I made a warning about that before the prologue started. Rizen has an unusual assortment of pokes, anyway.
And now, a few finishing words. I only brought out the bad parts, as it's pointless for me to say "This is good!". That in mind, you do have a lot of potential, just work on your paragraphs and writing style (don't mix purple prose with anything else). Just work on these few things and you should be set.
Thanks.

Chapter 3 is in the brainstorming phase as of right now...it will come soon! Huge thanks to all who have reviewed so far.

I'll be implementing your suggestions very soon! Thanks! :D
Also, you should come back and review the other chapters. :)
 
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Dawn_Hero

Written Insanity~
So, it's seriously been ages since I'd promised to review and for that I'm sorry. D: This review will only cover Chapter One since I don't have enough time at this specific moment to go through all of Chapter Two as well. I'll definitely come back and review Chapter Two either in this post or in a different one, though. I must say, I do enjoy your story quite a bit so far. :)

So, here goes! Chapter One!
The first crash of thunder was the signal for the rain to begin. It started slowly at first, a lazy mist that meandered aimlessly towards the ground, coating everything in perfectly spherical water droplets and causing the heavy scent of incoming precipitation to fill the air. Yet soon the storm became a torrential downpour, the water pouring from the heavens in thick sheets, the constant sound of the falling liquid reverberating through the trees and houses. It was a sad sound indeed that emanated from the sky as the clouds gave up their tears to the city below.

I'm just going to let you know that this is probably my favorite paragraph ever and I love you for it. I didn't particularly like the opening sound effect, but that's just personal preference. That was absolutely beautifully written. xD

And now, I need a bucket to catch the water. Again…
This is sort of awkwardly worded. What about... "And now I need a bucket to catch the water again..." I know that doesn't sound like that much of a difference, but that's just nit-picking on my part.

Buckets of all shapes and sizes were already placed nearly everywhere to accommodate the abode’s many leaks
You've already used the word "leak" so much that it's starting to become overly repetitive. Why not change the sentence to "Buckets of all shapes and sizes were already placed nearly everywhere to accommodate the water infiltrating the house through the roof." or something like that. Try to find a way to not say "leak." :D

He took one last look at the grove of junipers behind him, to make sure he hadn’t left any trash behind by mistake.


And nearly jumped out of his skin with surprise.
Two things strike out at me from this paragraph:
1) There's no real need for a comma in the first sentence.
2) The way it's punctuated seems strange in my head. I don't think those function that well as two distinct sentences. To me, at least, it feels they should be together. What about something like... "He took one last look at the grove of junipers behind him to make sure he hadn’t left any trash behind by mistake...
...And nearly jumped out of his skin with surprise." It sort of fixes the problems, but it's really up to you what you'd like to do about that.

/Rant.

I really enjoyed the first Chapter of your story. I do want to say, though, that you could benefit from cutting them into pieces if you want to attract more reviewers. For those that take the time to read it, though, it's very good. That Godino guy gives me the creeps. I'm excited to see what all else he has in store. :D Great read!
 

Karpi

Forever a pirate
:O
:O
I love this. I promised myself I would read it eventually since you reviewed my story, but I didn't expect to like it so much!

From the moment when I read about Victor owning Raikou, it just occurred to me: Anything can happen! This fic isn't restricted to "game universe" or anything like that, and that is one of the main draws!

Aside from that, I absolutely LOVE Shuppets! Next to some water types, Shuppet is one of my favorites! I love that it can speak in a common language with Zev, too! There are some interesting possibilities as far as their relationship goes, so I'm looking forward to that!

Speaking of Zev, and this is the only thing I found that seemed off, shouldn't he be just a little more in awe of the pokemon world? I may be jumping to conclusions, though.

But still, I really like this!

P.S. Sawloja is a pokemon that I would totally catch
 

GastlyMan

Ghost Type Trainer
:D
More reviews?! Yesssss!
Dawn_Hero said:
So, it's seriously been ages since I'd promised to review and for that I'm sorry. D: This review will only cover Chapter One since I don't have enough time at this specific moment to go through all of Chapter Two as well. I'll definitely come back and review Chapter Two either in this post or in a different one, though. I must say, I do enjoy your story quite a bit so far. :)
Thanks! Glad you're back! :D
I'm just going to let you know that this is probably my favorite paragraph ever and I love you for it. I didn't particularly like the opening sound effect, but that's just personal preference. That was absolutely beautifully written. xD
Thank you! ^^ Yeah, using "crash" was sorta meh, wasn't it? I'm glad you liked the rest of it, though!
This is sort of awkwardly worded. What about... "And now I need a bucket to catch the water again..." I know that doesn't sound like that much of a difference, but that's just nit-picking on my part.
Ah, it sounds much better the way you re-worded it. I'll be fixing that soon.
You've already used the word "leak" so much that it's starting to become overly repetitive. Why not change the sentence to "Buckets of all shapes and sizes were already placed nearly everywhere to accommodate the water infiltrating the house through the roof." or something like that. Try to find a way to not say "leak." :D
*re-reads and shudders* Ooh, yeaaah, that's pretty bad. XD I'll edit that as well once I get chapter 3 up, or as soon as I can.
Two things strike out at me from this paragraph:
1) There's no real need for a comma in the first sentence.
2) The way it's punctuated seems strange in my head. I don't think those function that well as two distinct sentences. To me, at least, it feels they should be together. What about something like... "He took one last look at the grove of junipers behind him to make sure he hadn’t left any trash behind by mistake...
...And nearly jumped out of his skin with surprise." It sort of fixes the problems, but it's really up to you what you'd like to do about that.
It was a bit awkwardly worded, wasn't it? Thanks a ton for the heads-up. I'll be making quite a few minute edits to the chapters I've posted so far once I find time!

Thanks for the review! Yeah, my chapters are pretty long. Maybe I should shorten then, hmmm...
And I'm glad you liked it! Hehe, Godino is the ultimate creep, isn't he. Expect more...much more *cackles*
Karpi said:
:O
:O
I love this. I promised myself I would read it eventually since you reviewed my story, but I didn't expect to like it so much!
Yaaay! I'm so glad you liked it. Your fic is really awesome too. :)
From the moment when I read about Victor owning Raikou, it just occurred to me: Anything can happen! This fic isn't restricted to "game universe" or anything like that, and that is one of the main draws!

Aside from that, I absolutely LOVE Shuppets! Next to some water types, Shuppet is one of my favorites! I love that it can speak in a common language with Zev, too! There are some interesting possibilities as far as their relationship goes, so I'm looking forward to that!
Good! That was my primary intent, originality. ^^ (Well, aside from the cliche legendary and journey idea.) Thanks!!!
Shuppet is so awesome, huh? Glad you liked him. Yes, Pokemon and humans can mutually communicate. I don't know...I just liked the Pokemon world better that way. Ghost and water types will be seen a lot during this fanfic, trust me...
Speaking of Zev, and this is the only thing I found that seemed off, shouldn't he be just a little more in awe of the pokemon world? I may be jumping to conclusions, though.
He should. I'll be fixing that soon. While Zev is a relatively pessimistic person for the most part, even he'd be in awe of his dreams finally being realized. *prepares to edit*
But still, I really like this!
Yaaay! *dance of triumph* That's so awesome!
P.S. Sawloja is a pokemon that I would totally catch
That makes two of us. :D Was Dying Call as awesome as I tried to make it?

Thanks so much for the comments!

Hehe, should make some more progress on chapter 3 today. Finals just about roasted my brain, so there was a period where I didn't write much. But I am back now and am ready to go. :D
 

kittyguy2008

The Piano Man
When are you expecting to have the next chapter up??????? :surfpika: :meowthbal;249-d;:025ball::025n172:;000;:confused:
 

GastlyMan

Ghost Type Trainer
Umm, I'll shoot for around a week from now. Maybe earlier or later. Thanks for asking man; your dedication is just awesome. :)

The reason I'm not entirely sure when is that I'll probably be bombarded with schoolwork next week, so idk how my schedule will be.

It will come soon though! ^^
 

Rediamond

Middle of nowhere
Away from my computer, so I can't quote any particular lines.

First off, I love this story. A lot. I normally stop reading original region fics in about... the first paragraph. Thakfully, you avoided a lot of pitfalls that destroy most original region (OR) fics.

First, I could actually understand the new Pokemon. The fact that you introduced anything new at certain intervals instead of all at once spared me from the confusion that normally sets in by the end of the first chapter. Also, the inclusion of normal Pokemon really helped me connect with the world you created better.

I really like your characters, and Victor appears to have all of the makings of an excellent rival/antagonist, as he isn't necessarily evil. I really love your description if I haven't mentioned that already. Without it, I probably would have just lost track of the story or subcombed to boredom.

Anyways, this is one of the very few semi-established stories that I've actually bothered to catch up with, as well as the only OR fic that I've even bothered to read.

Overall, it was very good, and I will read/review whenever Chapter Three comes up.
 

GastlyMan

Ghost Type Trainer
Hi, and thanks a ton for reviewing! :)
First off, I love this story. A lot. I normally stop reading original region fics in about... the first paragraph. Thakfully, you avoided a lot of pitfalls that destroy most original region (OR) fics.

First, I could actually understand the new Pokemon. The fact that you introduced anything new at certain intervals instead of all at once spared me from the confusion that normally sets in by the end of the first chapter. Also, the inclusion of normal Pokemon really helped me connect with the world you created better.
Awesome! :) That was exactly what I was trying to do; create a new region without overloading on info.
I really like your characters, and Victor appears to have all of the makings of an excellent rival/antagonist, as he isn't necessarily evil. I really love your description if I haven't mentioned that already. Without it, I probably would have just lost track of the story or subcombed to boredom.
Thank you so much! :D
Anyways, this is one of the very few semi-established stories that I've actually bothered to catch up with, as well as the only OR fic that I've even bothered to read.

Overall, it was very good, and I will read/review whenever Chapter Three comes up.
That's so awesome to hear! Thanks so much; reviews are so valuable!
Chapter 3 is underway, and I'm having a lot of fun with it. :D I will post it, along with editing the previous chapters, relatively soon.

Keep the comments coming guys! They are greatly appreciated. :)
 
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