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Hidden Melody (Poem/Free Verse rated PG)

Ventus3

Waiting for summer
Author's Notes: Another poem of mine. Yes, I put it as PG. Seriously don't come in here and say that it should be EC. Poems are not always for "Early Childhood" >_>. This shall be split into three parts because they are slightly different from each other, like different chapters, except it's still a poem.

Maybe this'll be more popular than my other poems, I hope, or else I'll be stuck as an C-list author on here for ever. -__-


Part One; Data Transmission One: Coming to Earth, and School
((Warning, has one curseword))

Tears of sadness,
wounds of strife,
death of melancholy,
and bruises of a fight.
Where am I?
Why did I come to this planet,
my red and blue tentacles, my ever changing form,
the quirks of mine on this galaxy.

To them I'm robotic,
no emotions, they don't care about mine,
their data, a new discovery to my kind.
But they'll never know of me,
my true form, my inner beauty, a would-be self.

My heart, merely a crystal to a human, it seems like another average rock,
but on the inside it glows with my soul,
shining oh so brightly.
I don't care what they think about me, I am just here to observe them.

I transform, my human disguise complete,
my data has been rearranged to look like a school girl.
A slight influx merely just a change in the arrangement of light cells on my normally black torso and blue and red appendages.
I quickly went to the "principle" and hypnotized him,
to write my name, Deoxo, Tsukasa, on the attendance list.
I casually walked out as I sat down in a Math class of some sort.

My blue hair with maroon stripes fell behind my seat, my brown "uniform" on my human disguise,
it fluttered slightly while the large air conditioning device from the cieling reminded me of a freezing machine used on a space-ship.
I looked up as an older female homo sapien with greying, short hair came in and sat down on the wooden desk,
maybe she was the commander?

She droned on and on about the work like it was some space mission, but much more boring.
I waited until the female walked out of the brightly lit room I was sitting in,
waiting, listening, waiting, and more listening,
a monotonous cycle even worse than the planet trip to the planet of fuzzy rabbit resemblant aliens.
I merely made what humans called a yawn as the female came back.
 
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Yonowaru in Chaos

gaspard de la nuit
Well, here goes my first review of a poem.

Even though its free verse, this poem sounds awfully like normal speech, except separated in to lines (except for the first three stanzas). Then, after those three, it collapses in to a complete recount. Little to no poetic techniques (such as metaphors, similes, rhyme, alliteration, personification, just to name a few) are included afterwards, though there is a lot of enjambment, but not used to a very effective degree.

Also, at the last stanza, you shifted the point of view. You should NEVER EVER change the point of view, because there is only ONE poet (you) and you a poem cannot contain two points of view without some kind of mutual realisation between the two.

Overall, don't underestimate the difficulty of writing poetry, its not as easy as you think, especially free verse. Free verse is harder (contrary to what you may think) because it doesn't have many restrictions, and consequently, is not very easy to write a good one.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
I... agree with Yonowaru, it's a bit painfully clear this poem doesn't really contain anything like a poem should, I am not well versed on what that should be like Yonowaru, but, for me, it just doesn't flow.

To me it comes off not only just someone talking, and not doing it in poem or song, but, as a very, very poor oneshot.

I would suggest scrapping the idea of having this as a poem, and the other two, and just simply writing them out as chapters/one shots, because they might actually be a bit better that way.

OR if you want to continue to write them as such, go take a few lessons in poetry, go look it up in a book, or even take a look at, The Jaberwocky, it's one hell of a confusing poem in places but it is one of my favorites.
 

Ventus3

Waiting for summer
Thanks guys ^_^ I was actually just trying the idea out, I think I may actually delete this thread or ask to get it locked, so prepare to delete your posts Yonowaru in Chaos and Yami Ryu.
 
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