Ho-Oh and Articuno

[CelestialTime93]

Hey guys! If you guys hang out at FF.net, you might know me as a former author in the Pokemon section. I wrote "The Legend of Ho-Oh" series, and for some reason, I think it's still up. Anyway, if you guys were a fan of that story, I'll try to get that thing up and going again. And for fans of "Pokemon Generation," you can find me now on The Pokemon Tower (www.thepokemontower.com) under the Crossover author, "CelestialTime93". Speaking of which, that is my name, and I am about to present to you, a brand new story. This story is based on a childhood dream I once had, when I was much younger, just going onto grade school. I finished Kindergarden, and one night, I had a strange dream, of the Legendaries. All seven, but two in particular, who were bonded together with Ash and Misty. they were Ho-Oh, and Articuno. Read the story to find out the rest. Also, this takes place 6 years from the original series, so I had to add May and Max into the picture. The Prologue is the following:

Prologue:

Ho-oh flew over the forests, towards the fiery lights and smoke in the distance. Usually, he would go to the shrine to meet the villagers, but something was wrong today. He could sense it.

"Ho-oh!"

The magnificent fire bird turned to see Articuno (the only girl in the group of legendaries), fly from high above and beside him.

"Should we go in and disguise ourselves as humans?" Articuno asked.

"We will." Ho-oh nodded, as the two, along with the others, flew in, and changed into their human forms when they landed.

The town on the Orange Islands were lit in fire, as they were under seige.

When Ho-oh, now in his human form, stepped into the city, the crystal bells in the shrine began to tinkle.

"The bells!" Aritcuno cried, along with the others in her human form.

"They react to you!" Lugia called.

"Get out of here!" Ho-oh called to his friends.

"But-"

"Now!"

With that, the six legendaries ran off into the forest, transformed into their true forms, and flew off.

Ho-oh realised that the war was too much. There were people dying and killing each other everywhere.

Ho-oh then chose to follow the rest of the remainding soldiers of the city to the forest, where the rest of the war presumed.

When he arrived, it appeared to be worse than before.

The forests were set on fire, chasing all of the Pokemon away to safety.

Heartbroken by what he saw, Ho-oh changed from his human form, to his true form, and flew away, leaving his tears to distinguish the fire like rain, and stop the war.

As years went by, the two tribes never disturbed each other again. Where the ashes of the leftover fire was, soon flourished into a brand new forest, Ho-oh's tears feeding them.

But Ho-oh himself, was never seen again.

Until now......

* * *


Okay, I'll see you guys next time on Chapter One: Returning To The Orange Islands and A Strange Woman Named Artina!

-CelestialTime93

 

[icemew]

Um, did you just rate your own story five-stars?

This really isn't that good. There's practically no description, and everything's happening without explanation. They're just at war for no reason? And how would they know the bells were tinkling over everything that was happening?

The magnificent fire bird turned to see Articuno (the only girl in the group of legendaries),

You really shouldn't put notes in your story. You could have said that in the story itself.

Plus, I don't really like stories that have legendary pokemon able to turn into people for no reason.

 

[Psychic]

>.< Wow. This certainly does not deserve five stars. Heck, I don’t think it even deserves four.
I expected this to be something after reading your whole little introduction and saying how you've already written many fics. I didn’t even have to finish reading the first line of the fic to realize that this would be bad.


But I’m going to tell you what you did wrong and how to improve, so don’t fret. I may be harsh, but I help.


Spelling/Grammar: The thing that should always be proper in a story is the spelling and grammar. If you have mistakes, it is an automatic turn-off for readers. Now, the spelling wasn’t bad, as you only misspelled three words (‘siege’, ‘remaining’ and ‘realized’). You could have easily not made these mistakes by typing on Microsoft Word, which is something all writers are supposed to use because it’s so helpful. Your grammar was pretty bad, as you don’t seem to have a problem with comma abuse and misuse. Your sentences were very weak, you use the wrong words in sentences and your structure was overall weak.
I highly suggest getting a Beta reader- even a parent will do.


Length: I think that this was much too short, even for a Prologue. Not only did it need serious description and character development (more on that later), which can really add length to a story, but it was just overall not long enough. That entire scene should take about three pages on Microsoft Word to write. Though it was relatively interesting, it didn’t quite do the job a Prologue should do: get the reader excited so they want to continue reading.


Description: In fanfiction, this is regarded as one of the most important aspects to a fic. Fics rely heavily on description, as do al stories, but in Pokémon fanfiction, it’s even more of an essential. It is important because we always always always describe not only the people, places and things (objects), but also the Pokémon. Writers have to assume the readers have no idea what any Pokémon looks like, so we have to tell them. It isn’t enough to call Ho-Oh a ‘magnificent fire bird’: you have to tell us all about it- from its yellow beak to its red and green feathered wings to its black claws, you have to totally describe it all without leaving out any details.
Describe the way the Legendaries transformed from birds to humans- did they surround themselves in a cocoon of light and emerge as a human? And what did their human forms look like?
What about the town? The forest? What do they look like? We don’t know if you don’t tell us!

The fic also lacked the depth of emotions- this is always very important to portray. Not only does it further give the characters more of a personality, but it makes the reader get a lot more into the story, because if you describe the emotions right, the reader will be able to feel what the characters are feeling. This way, they feel like they’re actually in the story, which is what you ultimately want to do using description.


Characters: Well, right now the characters (only three of which we know- we don’t know who the other three are) don’t have much personality. Of course, the Prologue was much too short to allow a great deal of character development, but you could have given them more distinguishable personalities just by adding in adjectives and making what they do and say show the sorts of personalities they have. Right now, they’re very flat, dull and two-dimensional- all characters have individual behavioral qualities, no matter if they’re human or Pokémon. Always remember that they all act and react differently, and they won’t all be the same.


Plot: This was a very weak part. There were many mechanics of the fic that are part of the plot that weren’t explained that should have been explained. Though sometimes it is good for parts of the plot to be shrouded in mystery, there are things that just don’t make sense because they have no background.
One of the unexplained things was how the Legendary Pokémon can become human. There was never any mention of this happening in the shows, games or anything, so obviously, you made this up. Well, you need to explain why. There are many questions we can ask about this. Why can the Legendaries become human? When/why did they receive this power? How often do they use this power? Does it take a lot of energy? What is the transformation like? What do they look like as humans? Do they have any special powers in this human form?
Another HUGE plot hole deals with this war. Absolutely nothing was explained about it. For instance, exactly where was the battlefield/s? What town had been lit on fire (and even how long had it been burning)? Who was the war between? Why were they fighting? What started the war? Did they use Pokémon to fight?
As I said, there are just too many questions that are unanswered here.

One last problem is that you mentioned there being six Legendaries. Well, who are they? You only mentioned there being Ho-Oh, Articuno and Lugia. I honestly don’t know who the others are. Why? Because you didn’t say who they were! Also, I always thought the Legendaries were genderless. Either way, don’t put little notes in the story pointing things out. Figure out ways to incorporate these things into the story.




Overall, I have to say this was a pretty weak fic. As mentioned, I was expecting a lot more from a person who had apparently written multiple other fics.
What you really need to do is read the Stickies of the FanFiction section. The FanFiction Rules is the best place to start, but I highly suggest you read through Advise for Aspiring Authors a few times. Then check out a few five star fics by the better writers around here- you’re one of those people who learn through example.

If you really want to improve, you’ll listen to everything I’ve said and take my advice. I don’t mean to insult you or anything- I’m here to help.


~Psychic

 

[CelestialTime93]

Manuscript Notes & Ch. 2: The Return To The Orange Islands and A Woman named Artie

Hey guys! I am so sorry for making a huge misunderstanding! I had no idea that I was supposed to rate my threads out of five at first! So, I would've really given it a one star, because it's only the prologue so far, and I agree that I have put out a few things that were needed to be explained, so, here they are. These are something I like to call "Manuscript Notes." These are notes that I like to write within the margins of the pages of my notebook, so that whoever finds my work in the future and reads it, will understand what I mean. If you read the "Dream Saga" manga books, then you would well know that the author had written notes from the author about the characters within the margins of her stories at the end or beginning of every chapter. So here are my Manuscript Notes for "Ho-oh and Articuno":

#1: How did the legendaries become human?
A1: To tell you the truth guys, not even I know really, but I decided to add that part, and the answer will arrive later in the story, I promise.

#2: Three words misspelled.
A2: Yeah, about that. You see, I was always a B student in Language Arts. Heh, heh. The words that I always spelled wrong, were the new words from Mesopotamian Times, and of course, the three words I misspelled. I wrote, and thanks to Psychic for pointing this out, seige, realised, and remaining was an accidential typo, so that really didn't count. Although, thanks for pointing that out. Anyway, I'm not the best at spelling, and you'll probably see me making a ton of spelling mistakes in the story, so, when you find some, let me know! PM me, add a reply, I don't care! Just warn me! And give me the correct spelling so that I can fix it in the future chapters! ;-)

#3: The Prologue was too short.
A3: Like I said. I was a B student in Language Arts for as long as I could remember. Part of the reason was my lack of impatience of getting on with the story. I was never a huge fan of Prologues, I confess. But when I found out that the story needed a Prologue, I had no choice. Usually, in my notebooks, it would only fill out 2-3 pages minimum. Max is about 5 if I'm lucky. But, hey, like I said. I'm not the best at writing Prologues. So sorry for the people who wanted to see the Prologue more!

#4: It's not so descriptive.
A4: As I said before, I'm very impatient about getting the paragraph over with. I know I'm not the best author if I do that, and I am so sorry. I had a seminar with an author-to-be in my school, by the name of Greg Tjosvold. He is hoping to publish his book, "The Cash Converter," which is, by the way, a very good book. But along the way, he learned that types of writing, like the easy reading descriptions from the 70's, can easily get out of style. Of course, the easy reads, became more descriptive by the second millenium, and stories were told more easily by the author to the reader. Which of course, made reading more easier to enjoy. But we can't let description ruin the image of the characters for the readers. That way, it will look more like a movie that someone else made. Like "The Chronicles of Narnia?" I didn't expect the White Witch to look like that. So, apparently, I let that thing go to my head, and forgot to give a more descriptive appearance of Ho-oh and the others, so here are the descriptions in note form:

Ho-oh: *large, graceful fire bird
*feathers with a thousand different shades of colours
*golden beak and sparkling multi-coloured eyes
*wingspan as big as the brush of an oak tree

Articuno: *delicate features for the face
*shimmering and sparkling aquamarine blue feathers
*2-meter long ribbon-like feathers that made up the tale
*blue beak slightly darker than her feahters and crystalline blue eyes
*wingspan slightly smaller than Ho-oh's

Those are the two legendaries that were main and that appeared, but the rest, I promise, will have more descriptiong on both their human forms and their true forms.

#5: Who are the other 5 legendaries?
A5: I am so sorry about the confusion! I forgot that there were way more than 5 legendaries. So, here are the rest, and you'll learn their descriptions later on in the story: Zapdos, Entei, Suicune, Raikou, and Moltres, which I'm sure you remember from the episode about the Pokemon-Trainer matchups, where James thought that the handbook was real, and that he really was a Moltres.

#6: What's with the tinkling bells?
A6: Obviously, I could tell that icemew never watched the episode where Morty from the Orange Islands (or was it the Indigo Plateau?), explaining to Ash and his friends about the Ho-oh Shrine, and when Team Rocket tried to steal the bells, but managed to break one, angering the forest Pokemon, where Suicune appeared (Of course, this episode takes place after "Pokemon 4Ever"). So, if you wanna learn about the shrine and the bells, check out www.pokemon.com and check under the section of TV and Movies, and choose the episode in Season 5 called "For Ho-oh The Bells Toll!" which is episode 518. The summary will explain everything. Note: website requires Flash Plugin 6 or higher.

#7: I don't like stories where legendaries turn into people for no such reason.
A7: Well, that's an easy one! It's either a) you wait until later in the chapter, when the questions are answered, or b) DON'T READ AT ALL!

Okay guys, that's it, and thanks to Psychic for giving me great advice for the future chapters/stories! I'll be sure to check 'em out everytime I read it. Now see below for Chapter One: Returning To The Orange Islands and A Woman Named Artina! Featuring Alysha Antonino's "Raw." You can hear it on her myspace.com page at www.myspace.com/alyshaantonino:

Chapter One: Returning To The Orange Islands and A Woman Named Artina:

"Whoa! Hey, Ash! Is that it?"

16 year old Ash Ketchum looked from the other side of the docks, and called back, "Yep! That's it!"

Good little girl
Smilin' like an angel
Like a good girl should
Always so responsible but,
I'm gonna change all that now
I'm good on paper
Took one down

But I disguise
Behind these hungry eyes

12 year old Max Dickenson jumped off of the crate that he was standing on, and ran over to where his 16 year old sister, May, was standing.

Ash smiled. He first met his friends when he was only 10. Now, he's changed a bit after 6 years. He still had his spiky black hair, and his marbling brown eyes. But now, he was taller, and, compared to the other boys at Pokemon Academy, pretty scrawny. Like how his friend, 16 year old Misty Waterflower, used to look like when she was 10. But now, Ash and Misty swapped general appearances. Now Ash was the scrawny one, and well, Misty was beautiful. A full grown woman. Almost.....

I want it raw that sugar
Raw that honey
I wanna taste the new
Of the juice of the fruit in me
Raw that sugar
Raw that honey
I wanna find a way to feel free, feel free, feel free
Raw, yeah

Ash's blue jacked fluttered in the salty breeze, his sienna brown t-shirt more visible now. The opening flaps of his blue jeans fluttered also against the wind, as well as his hair.

Max was small. Just like how he was when Ash and the others first met him. When Ash first met him, Max snuck out of the gym and followed May and Ash throughout Hoenn. He seemed pretty much the same. He still had well-kept blue-black hair, round rimmed glasses with blue frames, and today, he seemed to wear a white summer blouse and blue shorts, along with his sandals. Not like the green blouse with a white collar that he used to wear with his shorts and sandals.

Shush little girl
All your dressin' up with feeling
She can laugh out loud
Run around and screamin'
High up on the mountain and song now
Take out my cools
Let the sun wash me down

I will not be shamed
No,
I will not be tame

"Max, leave me alone." May frowned. May, on the other hand, finally got rid of her bandana. She had brown hair with two long bangs on the side of her head. She had hazel eyes, and she was wearing today a red tank top, black shorts, and straw sandals. Her sunglasses were propped onto her head. Of course, Max was bugging May...... again. Isn't that what all little siblings do? Tease their elder siblings?

"C'mon, May!" Max exclaimed, practically jumping up and down, "Tell me who you wanted to see in the Orange Islands so much!"

I want it raw that sugar
Raw that honey
I wanna taste the new
Of the juice of the fruit in me
Raw that sugar
Raw that honey
I wanna find a way to feel free, feel free, feel free
Yeah!

I wanna feel free

"Why should I tell you?" May snapped.

"Because I'm your little brother and you love me." Max smirked. That always got to her, but today, all she did was silence herself with a pout.

"Brock! Stay away from the beach girls!"

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye to goody two shoes
Hello, hello, hello, I'm on the dark things
I tried, I heard, I chanced and I hurt
Dinced by and incing
Shinsing in a fire thing

Bringing in some chalkboards
Nothing's safe, nothing's cool

Ash winced at the scream that belonged to his friend, Misty. This red headed girl was beautiful alright, with her aqua blue eyes and her current outfit - a yellow spaghetti tank top, aquamarine shorts, and blue sandals, but she could be pretty tough. After all, she was a tomboy.

22 year old Brock Harrison....... a dark skinned boy with brown hair that stuck up more than Ash's did, and was wearing a brown t-shirt and beige shorts, along with black sandals. Of course, he was being pulled on the ear by Misty, after attempting to flirt with a girl...... again!

I want it raw
That's the way I want it
That's the way I need it
I want it raw

Brock was supposed to be a role model for his brothers and sisters, who were much younger than him, but right now, he seemed to be looking for a soulmate. A womanizing man, who seemed to flirt with too many girls. Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy were enough in Ash's point of view!

"Okay, guys!" Ash called, as the cruise ship docked off at the docks of Ecruteak City "Here it is!"

Raw, that sugar
Raw, that honey
That's the way I want it baby!

Raw, that sugar
Raw, that honey
That's the way I want!

Raw, that sugar
Raw, that honey
That's the way I need it, baby!

Raw, that sugar
Raw, that honey
That's the way, yeah!

Raw, that sugar
Raw, that honey
I want it, I want it
That's the way I want it, baby!

Raw, that sugar
Raw, that honey
That's the way I want it!
Yeah--------!
Oh--------!

"Alright!" Max exclaimed, leaping off of May's shoulders, in which where he jumped onto and began teasing May. May let out a sigh of relief as he ran towards the bottom floor, where the others would exit.

"Thank heavens!" May exclaimed.

"You alright, May?" Misty asked, still holding onto Brock's ear.

"Now I am." May replied.

"C'mon." Ash said, "We promised Morty to meet him at the Ecruteak Gym."

The five trainers got off the cruise ship, with the little electric mouse, Pikachu, on Ash's shoulder.

"Pikachu!" Pikachu exclaimed, as the trainers entered the oh-so-familiar Ecruteak Gym. It was during the time of a festival. The Spring Festival.

Stalls were set up, people were dressed in traditional kimonos and shopkeepers were calling out to the passing people, attempting to sell something.

"This festival's amazing!" May exclaimed.

"And look!" Brock smiled, pointing to a familiar building, "There's the Ecruteak Gym."

"And there's Morty!" Ash cried, "Hey, Morty! Over here!"

The old friend of the Pokemon Trainers' perked up and turned to face Ash and his friends. With a smile, he waved back.

* * *

"I'm so glad you guys could come!" Morty said, "Especially when I have something to tell you."

"What is it, Morty?" Misty asked.

"Pika?" Pikachu also asked.

"Remember the Crystal Bells in the Tin Tower?" Morty asked, "That whenever the presence of Ho-oh is near, the bells will ring."

"Yeah, but Team Rocket destroyed one of them, and we were left with two." Brock frowned.

"You guys knew Team Rocket for that long?" Max asked.

"Anyway." Morty said, trying to change the subject, "As I was saying. Whenever the presence of Ho-oh is near, the bells will ring. And they just recently rang yesterday, which is why I asked you guys to come here as soon as possible."

"What do you mean the bells rang recently?" Ash exclaimed.

"Pika!" Pikachu exclaimed.

"That means Ho-oh is here in the city." Brock frowned, "It's a bad thing, isn't it?"

"Team Rocket just recently came to Ecruteak and hid in the forests." Morty explained, "But after they arrived, the bells began to ring, and now they're preparing to set a trap for Ho-oh. This was why I called you guys here. We need your help again."

"I won't mind going up against Giovanni again, don't you, Pikachu?" Ash asked his old friend.

"Pi pikachu!" Pikachu replied with determination.

"Alright then." Max exclaimed, "Let's go and find Team Rocket!"

"First you guys gotta find Artie and her brother, Louis!" Morty called after the trainers, "Hey! I'm coming with you!"

* * *

"Artina!" Morty cried, banging the house's door with his fist, "Open up! It's me, Morty!"

"Alright, alright, already!" a woman's voice called, "You're giving Louis a headache!"

And with that, the door was answered by a familiar woman. Her long auburn red hair was pinned up by a jewelled blue hair clip, and she wore a aquamarine blue kimono dress and black sandals.

The trainers gasped.

"Oh my god!" May squeaked.

"Pika pi!" Pikachu exclaimed.

"Misty," Ash stammered, "She looks a lot like you!"

"Yeah! I noticed that!" Misty snapped back, "It's not like I never look at myself in the mirror!"

"Who's out there, Artina?" an elderly man's voice called from inside.

"It's just Morty and some friends, Louis!" the woman named Artie called back.

"Hey, is your boyfriend back again, Artina?" a young man's voice teased from inside.

"Grrr...." Artie growled, "Shut up, Zippo! Don't make me shut you up myself!"

"C'mon, Zippo!" another young man's voice said from inside, "You know that Artie doesn't like Morty!"

"Right!" another young man's voice replied, "She likes-"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!" the man named Zippo exclaimed.

"Henry!" the three men teased, and then cracked up laughing.

Artina was fuming now. "Manny! If I hear another word out of you, Ryan and Zippo about Henry, I swear, I'm gonna-"

"Artina! Control your anger!" Louis said, walking to the doorway, "Do you not remember what happened last time?"

Artina sighed and replied, "Yes, brother."

"Now, I'll let you get them once, but that's it." Louis said.

"Thank you!" Artina exclaimed, and soon, there was screaming from inside, and two men telling Zippo, Ryan and Manny to leave Louis's sister alone.

"I am so sorry for keeping you out here." the elder apologized, "Please, come in."

And with that, the six trainers and Pikachu answered, awestruck by how big and how beautiful the inside of the shabby neighbourhood house was. Everything was made of ornate and wood, from the ornate fireplace, to the wooden floors and walls. From the marble staircase, to the marble ceiling. From the crystal chandelier to the glass contained candles that lit up the room. The house was spectacular.

And yet, with Artina (or preferably Artie) chasing her screaming her brothers and their friend, Ryan, the place seemed peaceful. If only the boys weren't screeching and Artie wasn't cursing at them.

"You look familiar." Louis said to Ash, and he sat down, "Same with your two friends. But, I don't recognize the other two. Are they new?"

"Well, sort of." Ash replied, sitting down across from the elder and the two other men beside him, "I've known Misty and Brock longer. By the way, my name's Ash."

"Pika pi, Pikachu!" Pikachu introduced on Ash's shoulder.

"I'm May." May added.

"And I'm Max." Max replied.

"Did you just say your name was Ash?" Louis asked.

"Do you remember a Pokemon named Celebi?" one of the two men asked.

"Now, now, Saul." Louis said to his young friend, "Let's not skip to conclusions here."

"I mean it, Louis." the man named Saul said, "I recognize that name when Sammy and Celebi were in trouble 6 years ago."

"Hey, how do you know about Sammy and Celebi?" Ash asked, "Unless you're a friend of Sammy's or Suicune, then I doubt you would've known."

Saul seemed to frown, then looked at Louis for advice. "Louis?"

"Perhaps not yet." Louis replied.

Before Ash could speak, Zippo, Ryan, and Manny made a sharp turn, causing Artie to slam against the back of the couch Ash and his friends were sitting on. Then she glanced at Ash. "Hey, you look a lot like Louis's best friend, Henry."

"And Artie's secret crush!" Zippo taunted, while Ryan and Manny snickered and laughed.

"Is not!" Artie shot back.

"Calm yourself, Artina." Louis advised, then said to Ash, "It is true. You look much like Saul's older brother, Henry. And Artie's best friend. Morty, you remember him, don't you?"

Morty was so quiet that Ash almost forgot that Morty was in the same room as the others.

"Yeah." Morty replied, "He came by the gym with Artie yesterday. The same time the bells rang. He seemed a bit uncomfortable with the bells ringing though."

"Ah, yes. The bells." Louis sighed, "Henry has hated them ever since he first found them in the tower. And believe me, that was a very long time ago."

"But everytime Henry's around, the bells start to ring." Morty said, "Is Henry somehow connected to Ho-oh."

"Wait." Brock said, "Henry..... Ho-oh...... the bells ringing in his presence...... Morty! Henry isn't connected to Ho-oh! Henry is Ho-oh!"

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Erm, I don't think the whole 'be more descriptive' point was meant quite the way you interpreted it. IMO, the physical descriptions of a character are some of the LEAST important things to describe. What I DO find important, however, is seeing the way characters move and interact with each other. It's a bit tricky when you've got so much dialogue, but even then, little nuances of description can make a big difference. For example:

The name Suicune made Saul uncomfortable. But still, Saul answered, "Louis, should I?"

(On a side note I think there should be ' 's around 'Suicune'.) But more to the point, you've just brushed over this bit so quickly without giving any detail. How did he look uncomfortable? What gestures/expressions showed to indicate this. Your meaning is clear - TOO clear, IMO. Mebbe try for a bit more subtlety? Even,

Saul paused, breath stilling momentarily before forming the soft murmured question,

"Louis?"

or something to that effect would form more of a mental picture for your readers. Of course, this option doesn't sound as great, so just play with it until it sounds right. Be aware, though, that readers are familiar with this genre (legendaries turn in to humans, meet canon characters and are revealed to actually be 00berly powerful legendary pokemon) and unless you take care to hide your intentions, they will most likely predict the plot before you've even written it. Anyway, the point is, descriptions of actions and gestures and emotions and the atmosphere of the scene is a lot more important than how things look.

Also, plonking the descriptions at the front of the story doesn't really help. It's much easier on your readers, however taxing it may be on you, if you simply put little references to the way they look throughout the story. It helps if you describe the way things look as they move. Like you did here:

Ash's blue nylon jacked fluttered in the salty breeze, his sienna brown t-shirt more visible now. The opening flaps of his blue jeans fluttered also against the wind, as well as his hair.

That worked... it was a bit rough, flow wise.. (possibly 'nylon' didn't need to be in there?) but I liked the way you weren't just saying 'the jacket was blah' but working the description in amongst the action. ^^ Slick work.

Actually, on the topic of the first half of the story, I think you could cut down on stating the ages whenever you introduce people (even though you've shifted from the canon). It gets a bit monotonous and repetitive when you introduce people in the same way over and over. Also, using 'asked' or 'said' after consecutive dialogue gets repetitive, so bits like:

"What is it, Morty?" Misty asked.

"Pika?" Pikachu also asked.

should, IMO, be changed, even if it's only to

"What is it, Morty?" Misty asked.

"Pika?" Pikachu added, in query.

And a girl of sixteen 'a full grown woman... almost'. >< Please, no. Teens are often too irresponsible and too inexperienced to behave as adults and if you try to force them to, then it damages the believability of your story.

Eh, I'm sorry this is a brief review... I hope it's helped and if you've got any questions about it, please let me know! You've got a potentially awesome story line here - don't let it go to waste!! Put it to good use and with that, I wish you good luck and fun. ^^

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[CelestialTime93]

Erm, I don't think the whole 'be more descriptive' point was meant quite the way you interpreted it. IMO, the physical descriptions of a character are some of the LEAST important things to describe. What I DO find important, however, is seeing the way characters move and interact with each other. It's a bit tricky when you've got so much dialogue, but even then, little nuances of description can make a big difference. For example:



(On a side note I think there should be ' 's around 'Suicune'.) But more to the point, you've just brushed over this bit so quickly without giving any detail. How did he look uncomfortable? What gestures/expressions showed to indicate this. Your meaning is clear - TOO clear, IMO. Mebbe try for a bit more subtlety? Even,

Saul paused, breath stilling momentarily before forming the soft murmured question,

"Louis?"

or something to that effect would form more of a mental picture for your readers. Of course, this option doesn't sound as great, so just play with it until it sounds right. Be aware, though, that readers are familiar with this genre (legendaries turn in to humans, meet canon characters and are revealed to actually be 00berly powerful legendary pokemon) and unless you take care to hide your intentions, they will most likely predict the plot before you've even written it. Anyway, the point is, descriptions of actions and gestures and emotions and the atmosphere of the scene is a lot more important than how things look.

Also, plonking the descriptions at the front of the story doesn't really help. It's much easier on your readers, however taxing it may be on you, if you simply put little references to the way they look throughout the story. It helps if you describe the way things look as they move. Like you did here:



That worked... it was a bit rough, flow wise.. (possibly 'nylon' didn't need to be in there?) but I liked the way you weren't just saying 'the jacket was blah' but working the description in amongst the action. ^^ Slick work.

Actually, on the topic of the first half of the story, I think you could cut down on stating the ages whenever you introduce people (even though you've shifted from the canon). It gets a bit monotonous and repetitive when you introduce people in the same way over and over. Also, using 'asked' or 'said' after consecutive dialogue gets repetitive, so bits like:



should, IMO, be changed, even if it's only to

"What is it, Morty?" Misty asked.

"Pika?" Pikachu added, in query.

And a girl of sixteen 'a full grown woman... almost'. >< Please, no. Teens are often too irresponsible and too inexperienced to behave as adults and if you try to force them to, then it damages the believability of your story.

Eh, I'm sorry this is a brief review... I hope it's helped and if you've got any questions about it, please let me know! You've got a potentially awesome story line here - don't let it go to waste!! Put it to good use and with that, I wish you good luck and fun. ^^

Piney.
;204;;324;

More critisism! You guys are really helping me improve, and I promise, I'll do better in the next chapter! I'll see ya guys then! Sorry, still remembering what to do next! ;-)

-CelestialTime93

 

[CelestialTime93]

Ch.3: Trapped!

Hey guys! Sorry for not updating so long, but a lot is going in this year, and my school had this school dance, and my feet are sore with blisters from all of the dancing. I shouldn't have jumped so much.... Anyway, here's Chapter Three: Trapped! I'll see ya guys at Chapter Four: Thinking of You, featuring my original score, "Thinking of You," a flute solo piece. I'll see ya guys then! For now, enjoy Ch. 3!:

Chapter Three: Trapped!

"WHAT?!?"

"It's obvious!" Brock explained, "Whenever Henry enters the city, the Crystal Bells start to ring. What if he's trying to hide from everybody? The bells will give him away."

"I think we already gave ourselves away......" Artie frowned.

"And why is that?" Morty frowned, narrowing his eyes, "You don't happen to be Articuno, are you?"

"Drat!" Artie exclaimed, "See what I mean, Louis?!? They found out! I know why you know this boy! Not only does he look like Henry, but he can see Henry in his real form! He even helped us save the Orange Islands!" - Zippo, Ryan, and Manny snickered from the entryway of the kitchen. Artie glared at them - "Or do you not remember? Zapdos and Moltres!"

"Aww! Artie!" Zippo frowned.

"You gave us away to mortals!" Manny wailed.

"I know one thing for sure and that is that these guys are far from ordinary or mortals." Artie replied, "Besides. They found out already."

"I'm guessing Louis is really Lugia." Ash muttered.

"Indeed." Louis replied, "But, the strange thing is, my human form is much more older than Henry's. Perhaps it's because he's still the stubborn Pokemon I grew up with."

"Not to mention he's still youthful on the inside." Saul and Ryan's brother, Elmer added, "He's faster than Artie and Saul, but slicker than any of us when in his human form, and we're his younger brothers! In human form, we only seem a year apart from him!"

"And he looks exactly like you, Ash." Louis said, as Ash turned to face the elder, "Only, he's much more older, and you'll probably see him wearing his cloak, the one that represents his feathers."

Ash gasped in awe. He could only imagine the cloak having fiery colours splattered in a neat-messy way, all over the silk and satin cloth.

All of a sudden, Ash was pulled out of reality, unaware of anything that surrounded him.

"Huh?" Misty wondered out loud, as she noticed the dullness in Ash's eyes as he stood, "Hey, Ash. What's up?"

Ash didn't answer, but ran out the door, and into the crowded streets of Ecruteak City.

"Ash!" Misty cried, "Where are you going?!?"

"Pika pi!" Pikachu called to his best friend, and started chasing after him.

"Pikachu!" Misty exclaimed, chasing after the two boys, "Wait up!"

"Hey!" Brock cried.

"Don't forget us!" Morty yelled to his running friends, and started chasing after them, with Brock at his heels.

"Go with them, Artie!" Louis cried urgently, "Hurry!"

"You boys stay here!" Artie demanded to her brothers, as she ran off, hearing them whine and groan as she rushed out the door.

* * *

Ash continued running, following the dark path that he was on, reaching for the distant light.

He had no idea where he was going, and it didn't matter to him. He needed to wake himself up from this confusion!

Confusion...... that's what it was! Someone was controlling his mind!

"Hey!" Ash called to himself, "Wake up! WAKE UP!! IT'S A TRAP!!"

Ash snapped back into reality unexpectadly, and stopped running in the Ecruteak Forest, only to find out it was too late. Millions of ropes from different trees of the forests tied him up, and forced him to the ground, where he was hit on the nerve by a Team Rocket's laser gun, knocking him out.

* * *

"Oh no!" Artie cried, staring at the deserted clearing, with marks of footsteps all over the clearing, moving in different directions.

"He's gone!" Misty agonized.

"They're gonna use him as bait for Henry." Artie exclaimed, alarm in her voice, "We have to hurry! I know where the base is!"

* * *

Ash woke up to the screeching of a familiar Pokemon.

Ash sat up to find himself on the edge of a cliff, with only a small space, and the glittering golden Pokemon, flying towards him.

"Ho-oh, no!" Ash cried, "It's a trap! Turn back! TURN BACK!!!"

At the same time, Artie and the others arrived, and gasped when they saw where Ho-oh was going.

"Oh no!" Misty cried.

"Henry!" Artie called to the firebird.

Ho-oh turned to face in Artie's direction.

"Go back!" Artie hollered, "It's a-"

Too late.

A missle shot a net at Ho-oh, trapping him, causing him to scream in pain.

"Ho-oh, no!" Ash cried. And at the same time, Ash was also caught in a net.

"What does Ash have to do anything with this?!?" Morty exclaimed in alarm.

"He's bonded to Ho-oh, after so many years he disappeared." Artie replied, fighting her tears, "It's too much for him! He knows it's not his fault, but he can be really stubborn and hot-headed at times!"

"Just like how Ash is." Brock frowned, "These two really are bonded."

"They can't survive when one of them dies." Artie choked, "If they kill Ash, they're gonna end up killing Henry."

The group gasped at what they saw next.

Artie sobbed as her heart broke more when she saw both Ho-oh and Ash disappear in a flash of light, and the base sunk to the depths of the sea.

When the base was out of sight through water, or above water, Artie couldn't hold her tears any longer. She gasped, covering her mouth to cover her sobs, only to collasp to the ground on her knees, and cried her heart out.

Sometimes, when destiny unites.......

Misty bent down and reassured Artie, crying herself.

.......Life divides.


*Special thanks to Pinecone Tortoise for the advice! I have updated and I promise to do better, and now, I'm hoping to get good/bad reviews, rather than just pure flames.*

 

[Calcos the Destroyer]

I'll just break bad, be rude, and say what everyone's thinking: This story sucks.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

You have an absolutely AMAZING story line here - packed with drama, loaded with action, and filled with excitement. And if you can flesh it out with more emotion, suspense and connection between the readers and the characters, the impact of your story can increase enourmously.

At the moment, it's easy to see the potential here - but at the moment, it's only that: potential. I think there's a few relatively easy things you can do to realise this potential. For starters, s l o w d o w n . You're going through the plot so fast that your readers can't keep up. They've barely got time to come to terms with what's happening in one scene before the plot has rushed on through the next bunch of key points. IMO, this is probably because your characters don't have time to come to terms with each plot development.

Your characters are your readers' window into the story - the way your characters feel and react shapes the way your readers feel and react to each bit in the story and to the story as a whole. The more you make your characters similar your readers, the more your readers will relate to them and connect with your story. The more your readers see the way your characters think, feel, behave and react, the more control you have over the reaction of your readers. READERS RELATE TO CHARACTERS - and perhaps a way to use this fact is to make your CHARACTERS EQUATE TO YOUR READERS. What I mean by this is to make your characters 'normal'. Sure, they might be 00berly special people who go on amazing adventures and fight battles with ridiculously high stakes, but as long as they have believable personalities, there is a point of recognition that the reader can grasp and hang on to as they ride your story out.

Rant on characterisation aside, there's several things you can do to deepen your characterisation - description! Tell your readers how your characters speak, move, think and feel (that's 'feel' both emotionally and physically). I don't mean for you to go overboard and bombard your readers with every detail about your characters every moment of the story - just put enough detail to give the readers an idea of how your characters function as people. Incidentally, I like the way you've started doing this by not just saying 'said' for every piece of dialogue. 'Frowned' and 'muttered' and 'cried urgently' are FAR more character-building than 'said' or 'shouted'. Slick work - keep it up! ^^ And since you seem to have the way your characters speak under hand, mebbe try working a bit more on how they move and feel?

Also, try for balance between your characters and be careful not to dote on any of them.

"Indeed." Louis replied, "But, the strange thing is, my human form is much more older than Henry's. Perhaps it's because he's still the stubborn Pokemon I grew up with."

"Not to mention he's still youthful on the inside." Saul and Ryan's brother, Elmer added, "He's faster, and slicker than any of us, and we're his younger brothers! In human form, we only seem a year apart from him!"

All that section does is try make Ho-oh seem more powerful than the others - not a great move, IMO. According to the game, Ho-oh is only faster than Articuno and Suicune (though it's speed is tied with that of Moltres). Raikou, Lugia, Zapdos and Entei are all faster that Ho-oh. And even if you're not basing this on the games, making one characters more 00ber than the others is unadvisable - it means that the readers will have the hardest time relating to this character. Remember that having 'normal' characters is not boring... it often leads to the most exciting stories because there's more of a challenge for the characters to 'win'.

Eh, overall, I think you've got the makings of a brilliant story here, but, IMO, you need to flesh out what you've got and make those amazing scenes and moments more believable. Add depth to your story. Add depth to your characters. Don't just show your readers an 00berly cool plot - show it to them in a way that's as close to reality as possible. You have such potential here - please put it to good use!

Let me know if there's anything else you want commented on/critiqued or if there's anything in this review you want expanded upon/explained! Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[CelestialTime93]

Chapter Four: Thinking of You

Hey guys! Sorry for not updating so long! I've been pretty busy with my book, "Pocket Monsters: The History of Pokemon and It's Fans" for Scholastic, and I'm only done the second stage of editing - self-editing. My sister already edited it once, but there's still a long way to go. It might not be published until Summer. Anyway, here's Chapter Four: Thinking of You, featuring the flute solo, Thinking of You.

Chapter Four: Thinking Of You

(Song begins)

Ash struggled to open his eyes. After a bit of twitching of his aching body and his glued eyes, he finally managed to open them.

"Ow...." Ash groaned, as he sat up straight, "My head.... What happened?"

That's when Ash remembered.

"Ho-oh!" Ash cried, when he saw the magnificent bird, lying unconcious two meters away from him.

Ash began to stand up, only to yelp and cringe in pain. The net must have hit Ash at the edge of it's hatch or something as it reeled him in.

"Grrr!" Ash growled at himself, "You got no time for this!"

Ash held back his pain, as he began to sweat with exhaustion as he ran as fast as his limp legs could carry him to Ho-oh's side. Once he got there, he collapsed onto his knees, and breathed heavily. Ash was really tired, but he had to at least talk to Ho-oh in a way.

His hand shaking and half-reluctant, Ash reached out and began stroking the Pokemon's back. He made sure to not step on or sit on Ho-oh's wing, which was sprawled loosely beside his body.

Ash smiled, then struggled to get himself on his back. He placed his arms to his side, and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

(song ends)

* * *

"Artie!" Saul cried, banging on Artie's room door with his fist, "Artie! Get outta there! You can't help Henry by crying in your room all day!"

"Is she still not out yet?" Misty asked Saul, as she arrived with Louis.

"No." Saul replied with a frown, "I'm beginning to worry about her. The last time Artie cried this hard was when Henry disappeared. You should've seen her face when Henry reached our doorstep. He was exhausted, and was about to collapse on the front porch, right and there. But, Artie was so excited that she threw herself at poor Henry, knocking him backwards onto the ground. The two were so happy when they saw each other again...."

-FLASHBACK-

"Artie!" Saul cried, banging on Artie's room door with his fist, "Artie! Get outta there! He's not gonna be gone forever you know!"

"Where's Artie?" Louis asked, as he arrived beside Saul.

"Still in her room." Saul replied, before banging on Artie's door again and yelling, "Artie! You were barely out of your room ever since Henry disappeared! And that was over 1000 years ago! He'll come back! Don't worry!"

"I bet Henry's never gonna come back!" Manny teased.

"Hey! Watch it!" Ryan and Saul threatened in unison.

"Shut up, Manny!" Artie screamed through her tears from behind her room door.

"Somebody ring the doorbell so that she can come out." Louis said in a quiet voice.

Ding dong!

"Well done with the doorbell, Zippo." Louis commented as Zippo and Elmer joined the others.

"That wasn't me." Zippo replied, holding his hands up defensively.

"Then was it Elmer?" Louis asked.

"Wasn't me either." Elmer replied.

"Well, it wasn't any of us." Ryan said.

Ding dong!

Artie burst through her room door - the stress from her eyes cleared by her tears - and rushed down the stairs, stumbling a bit along the way.

The boys glanced at each other, and ran after Artie. Except for Louis. He just smiled, and walked slowly down the stairs after his brothers and his sister, along with their friends.

As the doorbell rang for the third time, Artie opened the door and gasped at who was at their doorstep.

It was Henry. His ebony hair messed up, scratches on his face, the edges of his robe torn, and shaking. His brown eyes showed a sign of exhaustion and confusion.

"Henry!" Artie screamed, and threw herself at the shaking man, knocking both of them over onto the ground.

"Oof!" Henry grunted. He focused his vision and smiled. "You guys made it." he said weakly with a smile.

"And where were you all of these years, I was so worried!" Artie choked through her tears, before Henry helped Artie up with much difficulty, being in his own position.

"Henry!" Elmer cried, as he leaped off of the porch steps and greeted his elder brother in a group hug with Henry and Artie, almost knocking them over.

"Alright!" Ryan cried, "He's back!"

"Finally!" Saul exclaimed, "You came back, Henry! You came back! Just like you promised!"

-END OF FLASHBACK-

"That must've been a really wonderful time." Misty commented.

"Ah, but seeing Artie smile again was the best moment of Henry's return." Louis smiled, seating himself down on the cushioned bench in the upstairs hallway, "He brought a smile to everyone's faces that day. Even mine. But Artie was effected the most. It seemed like a miracle when Henry came back to us that day. Just as Artie was about to lock herself up in her room."

"Now that's what I call a miracle!" Morty exclaimed, hearing Louis' story as he climbed the spiral staircase, "If only that could happen again. But now, we don't know for sure if Henry's coming back or not. Or Ash. They're both trapped inside the Team Rocket base, and the location of the base is still unknown. We can't risk sending a Pokemon Underwater Search Party, incase Giovanni decides to catch them, too."

"Only Artie knows the exact location, if she put her mind to work." Louis said.

"Well, I give up." Saul cried, "If only Henry could come back like last time! Then we wouldn't have to go through so much trouble!"

Saul began to choke on his words, and started to break into tears. "Where is he? Where's my brother?"

"Don't worry, Saul." Elmer said, sitting down next to his brother, "We'll find him."

Misty growled. She stood up from the bench across from Louis, Saul, and Elmer, and marched up to Artie's room door. She banged her fist real hard on the door three times, then yelled on top of her lungs, "ARTIE! IF YOU DON'T COME OUT HERE AND START TO WORK YOUR HEAD TO FIND HENRY AND ASH, YOU'LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN!"

"Don't say that!" Artie screamed through her tears.

"THEN I'M COMING IN, LIKE IT OR NOT!" Misty screamed, "Guys! A little help!"

Saul, Elmer, and Morty, arrived at Misty's side, and prepared to knock the door down.

"On the count of three!" Misty cried, "ONE!"

"Yeow!" Elmer yelped, jerking away from the door, "Artie! I can burn down the door if I have to! So disable the ice wall so that we can come in!"

"Fat chance, Elmer!" Artie called back.

"Grr..." Misty growled, clenching her fists, "Stand back! Time to put these powers to use!"

Perhaps, I should explain....

-FLASHBACK-

"Artie!" Misty cried, as Artie ran up the spiral staircase, the instant the group entered the room.

"Oh no." May frowned.

"May, you and Max go through Ecruteak and try to find a device that can help us get to Team Rocket's base." Morty instructed, "We'll try to take care of Artie."

"We'll meet you back here at 30 minutes tops." Max replied, before he ran after his sister to the streets of Ecruteak.

Misty groaned with confusion and sorrow. Why did this happen? What did she ever do wrong to deserve this? What did Giovanni want with Ho-oh? And how did he know that Ash and Ho-oh are even connected.

So many questions, yet so little time to answer them.

Anger soon kicked in. Giovanni was going to pay for this. All of Team Rocket were going to pay. She'll do whatever it takes to bring Ash and Ho-oh back.

Misty didn't hear her friends gasp, as the anger began to grow. It grew and grew, until Misty couldn't keep it bottled up any longer. She threw an angry fist at the staircase's railing, freezing it instantly.

This time, Misty did hear her friends' horrified gasps. She was snapped out of her anger, and was shocked herself. The railing was covered in a thick layer of ice and crystal. And to think, that Misty's anger caused this to happen.

That's when a little thought, clicked into Misty's mind. Something unexplainably unbelievable, that not even a legendary would believe it. A very fine, yet powerful, line, that connected Misty with Artie, in a magical way, that no one would ever imagine it would ever happen to them. Misty tried to take it out of her head, but she couldn't. It remained there, and it never went away.

"Oh my god...." Misty whispered hoarsly.

-END OF FLASHBACK-

Misty held out her hands infront of her, her palms facing the frozen door. Mist began to concentrate on destroying the ice wall, as it began to spread all over the door on both sides.

Icy winds with ice shards and sparkles spiraled in a cone formation from her palms. The winds whirled around the ice, like the blades of a figure skate, brushing across the ice's surface.

Misty shut her eyes harder, as she began to concentrate harder as well.

Soon, the ice wall, and the room door, shattered into a million pieces. Wood splinters scattered everywhere, as Louis, Elmer, and Saul used forcefields to protect themselves and Morty from the sharp, flying pieces of wood. The ice shards were nothing but sparkles.

Misty gasped as she jerked her eyes open. Misty's eyes were wide open in shock, and her voice only came out as small whimpers.

"Misty....." Morty gasped, "Th....that was amazing! How'd you do that?!"

"I..... don't know...... for sure at least." Misty replied, staring at her hands.

"What just happened to Artie's door?" Brock asked, as he joined the others.

"Misty just shattered the whole thing." Elmer replied in a whimper.

"She really is bonded to Artie...." Ryan gasped hoarsly.

"Huh?" Brock wondered out loud. Then, Brock remembered what Manny teased Artie with earlier that day.

"Heh." Brock smirked, "So I guess that means that these two really do have a crush on the other two!"

"DO NOT!" Artie and Misty cried in unison, Artie stepping half of her body outside her room.

"Brock has a point there, Artie." Louis said softly.

"Huh?" Artie cried, "And exactly who's side are you on?!"

"I'm only telling the truth, Artie." Louis explained, "As much as you and Henry deny it, you two love each other. The same goes for you and Ash, Misty. That is just one of the reasons why you two are bonded. Because you have a similarity in your love relationships. Artie has a crush on Henry, and Misty has a crush on Ash."

"No I-" Misty was about to argue, until Louis continued, "Like I said, Misty. No matter how much you deny it, you love Ash. And I'm sure he loves you back. Just how Henry loves Artie back."

Louis smiled as he stood up. He walked down the spiral staircase, and said when he only took three steps, "Oh, and Artie. I should warn you. Henry is about to lose his natural form. He'll change back into a human within five minutes. I suggest looking for him now, before Giovanni discovers this, and our covers are blown off to the wrong person."

As Artie stared at her older brother, Louis smiled and said, "Good luck."

And with that, Louis walked downstairs, out of sight from the others' positions.

THe words that Louis said began to sink into the minds of the trainers and the legendaries.

Finally, Artie had her serious expression on, and ran downstairs.

"Hey!" Misty cried, chasing after Artie, "Where are you going!"

"To where we last saw the base!" Artie called back at the doorway, "We're going to find Ash, and Henry. I promise!"

* * *

"Hey. Hey! Wake up!"

"Huh?" Ash opened his eyes and yelped when he saw the man that woke him up. It was almost like seeing himself in the mirror. Only, his reflection was a young man, and he wore a silk costume that seemed to relate to the old days. His robe was fiery and golden, with the flames of colours arranged in a neat-messy way, almost seeming like they were slightly moving.

"You're.....you're....." Ash stuttered.

"So what if I look like you?" the man shrugged, "Some people are similar, right?"

Ash was practically speechless. He tried to say something, but nothing came out. Not even a whisper or a whimper. He tried again. Still nothing.

"By the way, my name's Henry." the man replied, helping Ash up, "I just saw you lying down there. You've been asleep for about five minutes, but I think you're okay."

"Oh my god, I was right!" Ash cried, without even thinking, "You're Ho-oh!"

"Huh?" Henry wondered out loud, "What in the world are you talking about?"

"Artie told me!" Ash blurted out, "And my friends!"

"ARTIE TOLD YOU?!" Henry cried.

"Well, technically, my friend Brock found out himself." Ash explained, "Morty told us everything about your connection with the bells."

Henry sat down, cross legged, and said to Ash, "Tell me what happened."

 

[Astinus]

Er...wow. Did that ever move fast.

Yeah, everything Piney said still holds true. I mean, Misty just suddenly realised that she has powers? Everything is moving too fast for my tastes.

It also makes your fic really easy to read when your paragraphs are only one line on the screen. It's a lot of white space, which makes for an easy read, but also means that your plot moves a little too fast. I feel like you are missing a lot of plot points.

Slow down sometimes. Take a deep breath. These characters aren't really acting the way they did on the show. And you seemed to have forgotten that Max and May are there. You focus only on particular characters. While it seems easier to do so, just remember that you introduced these characters to us in the beginning. Can't you keep them to the end?

 

[CelestialTime93]

Er...wow. Did that ever move fast.

Yeah, everything Piney said still holds true. I mean, Misty just suddenly realised that she has powers? Everything is moving too fast for my tastes.

It also makes your fic really easy to read when your paragraphs are only one line on the screen. It's a lot of white space, which makes for an easy read, but also means that your plot moves a little too fast. I feel like you are missing a lot of plot points.

Slow down sometimes. Take a deep breath. These characters aren't really acting the way they did on the show. And you seemed to have forgotten that Max and May are there. You focus only on particular characters. While it seems easier to do so, just remember that you introduced these characters to us in the beginning. Can't you keep them to the end?

Point One: I'm still working on slowing down. Thanks for reminding me.
Point Two: I wrote this story on a document that showed my paragraphs in a different format. The section of the page was way too small, and the paragraphs seemed like more than one line. Sorry about the mishap!
Point Three: I like to focus different groups of characters during different times throughout the story, if needed. This is one of the cases. May and Max are actually somewhere outside of the house that the legendaries are staying in. They're out on the streets of Ecruteak, searching for something that might break Ash and Ho-oh free from Team Rocket.
Point Four: This is what I usually do in my stories: when two people or in this case, when a human and a Pokemon, have a special bond together, these things just click into their minds. Sorry if it's a bit confusing, but remember, I skip the unimportant moments between chapters. I should've written down that Misty found out that she discovered her powers earlier, and I should've added a flashback. I'll add it in the chapter, and you can review it again.

I'll edit Ch. 4! I'll see ya guys later! ;-)

-CelestialTime93

 

[Astinus]

Read your edit to chapter four. I now find it all much more easier to understand. You explained where Misty got her powers from, and what happened to May and Max! Thanks a lot!