~~~*Ho-Oh: Legend of the Sun (One Shot, Rated G.)*~~~

[Rhyperior vs. Sharpedo]

This is my first fan fiction story. I made this at school for a WUSW.
Here we go...


The sizzling hot sun burnt the trees and rocks around Indigo Plateau Lucario leapt up, dodging the burning trees until he reached the top. He was a Steel/Fighting type and looked like a bipedal wolf. He was mainly blue with black patches around his body. "What, What is going on!?!" he exclaimed. A screeching sound filled the air. Jumpluff and Skiploom floated away as fast as they could. Nincada scuttled into the forest. Suddenly, a giant phoenix swooped down. It was mainly red, with yellow and green patches. It was obviously Fire type, with a yellow crest like a cockatoo's. "Ho-Oh," Lucario whispered. Ho-Oh didn't look happy. It screeched and burned everything in sight, including a chocolate cake that a Togepi was making. The Togepi cried as she was cradled by her mother, a Togekiss. At the Indigo Plateau, a creature leapt up to the platform. It looked like a big dog and was mainly yellow, except for the big purple smudge on its side. It let off some electricity. "RAIKOU!" he said, when translated into English means "HO-OH! GET AWAY!". The battle began. Lucario and Raikou vs. Ho-Oh. It started when Ho-Oh used Flamethrower which Raikou counterattacked with Thunderbolt. Ho-Oh then used Fire Punch which got stopped by Lucario's Bone Rush. Lucario then used his Aura Sphere attack whch sent Ho-Oh flying against the wall. Raikou used Thunderpunch, nearly knocking Ho-Oh out. Then they looked at each other. "RAI?" said Raikou, when translated into English means "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?". "Yes." said Lucario. Then they both said "HYPER BEAM!". "ZZZZZZAPPPP! BAM!". Ho-Oh was defeated! It flew away, back up to the sky. The world was safe... for now.

THE END

Scrutinise away! But remember... I'm only 9!

 

[Rhyperior vs. Sharpedo]

So no scrutinization? I guess i'll just wait until it gets put into finished stories and gets stickified.

 

[Dragonfree]

Eh. Sorry, but you're breaking a couple of rules here; please go read the Fan Fiction Rules thread and the general forum rules. Bumping your thread with a double post is not allowed unless you're posting a new installment to the story, first of all, but your story also has no paragraphs (the most basic rule here is to start a new paragraph when somebody new is speaking) and is too short (all fics are required to be at least a page or two in length).

As for scrutinizing...

The sizzling hot sun burnt the trees and rocks around Indigo Plateau

The period that should be after this sentence is missing. Also, what? The sun is burning them, as in they're-on-fire burning? That... doesn't quite make sense. Trees don't just burn because the weather is hot, and if Ho-oh is doing it, that needs to be made clearer, since Ho-oh isn't there yet. If you want to portray it as a mystery, make it sound that way from the beginning, like by having Lucario look around wondering what's causing the fire or something like that.

He was a Steel/Fighting type and looked like a bipedal wolf. He was mainly blue with black patches around his body.

This description feels really sudden and jarring. First of all it really doesn't matter for the story that he's Steel/Fighting-type, and that's a technical description that doesn't really belong at all unless you've got somebody thinking about Lucario's types there. Secondly, it jerks the reader out of the flow of the story - there's exciting stuff going on, so suddenly rattling off details about his type and what he looks like is like freeze-framing the action for a couple of seconds. It would be better to integrate this description into sentences in which some action is happening - instead of using "Lucario" in some subsequent sentence, for instance, you could use "the blue and black wolf-like creature" (not the best example, since that's still a bit clunky, but still preferable to this).

"What, What is going on!?!" he exclaimed.

First, that should probably be "What? What is going on?!" or something of the sort; at least you never follow a comma with a capital letter unless it's a proper noun. Second, well, it's hard to gauge Lucario's emotions here; it would be nicer to describe, say, that he looks wildly around at the flames and the fleeing Pokémon, wondering what could have caused this.

Suddenly, a giant phoenix swooped down. It was mainly red, with yellow and green patches. It was obviously Fire type, with a yellow crest like a cockatoo's.

This is a pretty simplistic, mundane description for a dramatic moment like the appearance of a legendary. Instead of just saying "It was like this and that", again you should integrate the description with action: "A shadow was cast over the area as a giant, birdlike shape swooped down, screeching as it spread its great red wings. Its wicked talons lashed out at the fleeing Pokémon, flames licking the sides of its golden beak as it prepared to attack them." Or something of the sort. In description like this, you should focus less on going into detail and more on portraying a general, useful image. Here you're not really in any character's point of view, but if you were, it would be appropriate to note the details the character would make note of, skipping over those that they'd notice less. It's unlikely here that anyone present would be considering whether Ho-oh has some green and yellow feathers or that its crest is like a cockatoo, since they're likely to be too busy thinking about the fact there's a murderous legendary on the loose. It's jarring when the narrator treats this as if Ho-oh's general appearance is what warrants the most attention in the scene.

Ho-Oh didn't look happy.

Again, you could make this more dramatic. This is a legendary rampage, after all; describe the rage gleaming in his eyes and the vengeful screeches he makes as he burns everything down, and it will be more than clear that he's not happy without expecting us to just take your word for it.

It screeched and burned everything in sight, including a chocolate cake that a Togepi was making. The Togepi cried as she was cradled by her mother, a Togekiss.

I don't think this detour about the Togepi is really necessary, since it never matters to the story and it feels jarringly comical to suddenly have a Togepi making a cake in the middle of a legendary rampage.

At the Indigo Plateau, a creature leapt up to the platform.

Aren't we already at the Indigo Plateau, so to speak? That's where Lucario was, so it's unnecessary to specify that again. If you want to remind the reader that it's the same platform Lucario is on, just use "...the platform Lucario was on". When I first read this sentence, I thought I'd read something wrong and Lucario had been somewhere else since you were mentioning the location again.

Raikou's description, again, is rather flat and jarring (also, it's not really a purple smudge on its size so much as purple cloudy things on its back, and I will never understand what people think looks remotely doglike about Raikou, but that's just me). Could be integrated much better with, say, "A large, yellow creature leapt up onto the platform beside Lucario, its body sparkling with electricity as it faced the rampaging phoenix."

If you're going to translate what the Pokémon say, just do so directly instead of saying the Pokémon's name and then saying what it means. We're not really interested in whether "Ho-oh! Get away!" is said as "Raikou!" or "Kou Rai!" or whatever, so you can leave that bit out and let the reader just assume that they're not actually speaking English.

The battle began. Lucario and Raikou vs. Ho-Oh. It started when Ho-Oh used Flamethrower which Raikou counterattacked with Thunderbolt. Ho-Oh then used Fire Punch which got stopped by Lucario's Bone Rush. Lucario then used his Aura Sphere attack whch sent Ho-Oh flying against the wall. Raikou used Thunderpunch, nearly knocking Ho-Oh out. Then they looked at each other. "RAI?" said Raikou, when translated into English means "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?". "Yes." said Lucario. Then they both said "HYPER BEAM!". "ZZZZZZAPPPP! BAM!". Ho-Oh was defeated!

This battle isn't very vivid, since most of it is just saying they used this or that move. Most of the fun of describing Pokémon battles is really describing what is going on: "Flames formed in Ho-oh's beak before it fired a bright blast of fire towards Raikou, but the Electric Pokémon countered with a quick bolt of electricity before leaping out of the way..." I don't even have any idea how to imagine Ho-oh or Raikou using Fire Punch or Thunderpunch (can they even learn those?) or what on earth Lucario is actually doing when it uses Bone Rush, and it's your job to tell me that. It also makes the battle a lot more exciting, since it feels more like I'm actually there as opposed to just playing it on my DS.

Now... the next big issue is the plot. What, exactly, is the plot here? Why is Ho-oh so angry? What are Lucario and Raikou doing at the Indigo Plateau? We need at least a hint of that in order for the story to really make any sense and mean anything. Right now it feels awfully pointless; it's just this random battle happening and we don't really know why it's happening or what the opposing sides stand for. It would be a lot more interesting if we could understand Ho-oh's rage at least to some degree. Really, if we could understand any of the characters - you don't give them a lot of development, so none of them feel like they have any personality. Show us Lucario's thoughts on what's happening, his horror at the destruction, his relief when Raikou arrives to help... It would make this much more of a worthwhile story than it is now.