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Hoenn Journey

Xtra

You will be missed:(
Note:if you read, please take some time to review. it can be good, bad, or in between, but reviews is what helps me get better. Yes, this is a trainer/quest fic, based on Pokemon Emerald.

---

The moving truck rumbled through the woods. Not that the white-haired boy in the back could see any of it, since there was no windows He sat on one of the crates, adjusting one of his green wristbands.

It's been a long and bumpy ride from his old town of Johto. His father opened a new gym in a town at Hoenn, and he wanted his family to move to Hoenn as well.

"Why do I have to sit back here. Isn't there enough room up front?" he said out loud. "Well, at least it can't get any worse."

At least, that's what he thought. Then he heard the station the radio at the front was set to.

"And now we return to Classic 103.5. All classical music, all the time," it said.

The boy groaned, his head going into his orange-gloved hand. It just got worse.

He totally hated classical music, and couldn't understand why other people like it. If there was any mercy in this world, a crate would fall on his head and kill him.

Then the van screeched to a stop. The boy wasn't expecting it, and was tossed back into a stack of crates, which fell down on top of him. And while it didn't kill him, it sure hurt.

He could hear the doors open, and then he heard his mother worried yell when she saw the pile of crates on top of him.

"Brendan!" she yelled.

"A little help here?" Brendan said from under the crates

"Vigoroth, can you get the crates off of him before moving everything inside?"

"Vigo," they answered, and started lifting the crates off of Brendan. As soon as he was free, he rubbed a couple of sore spots and adjusted the green headband on his head.

"This move better be worth it, Mom." he said, as the headband was moved back in it's original position. "Couldn't I have at least gotten a pokemon before we moved?"

"You know that we couldn't wait, Brendan. Your license came late, and the professor couldn't give you a pokemon until you got it. But for now, let's get inside," she said.

Brendan jumped out of the van and followed his mother inside the house. The inside looked nice, and the Vigorath were already getting everything moved into place. It wasn't very large, but it'll suit their needs just fine.

"It looks like things are getting put away down here. Brendan, why don't you make sure everything is moved upstairs? And by the way, your dad got a clock to celebrate our move here." she said.

"A clock? Not something like a premier ball, or maybe a rare pokemon? What a cheapsake," Brendan thought, as he went up the stairs and looked around the room.

He checked off the items in his head, making sure they're all there. then he turned towards the clock on the wall, noticing that it wasn't moving. He checked his watch and set the clock to the correct time, then inserted a battery to start it.

He grabbed his backpack and went back downstairs, and his mother called for him. She was saying that his dad was on. Brendan ran to the TV, but he got there in time to here the last of the news report.

"We missed it," his mother said. "Anyway, our next door neighbor, the Birch's, may want to meet you. I heard that they have a daughter about your age as well."

Brendan gave a small smile. Maybe he'll get a girlfriend in this town. He walked out of his house and walked over to the similar sized house next door. he knocked on the door, and a woman from inside told him he could come in. When he did, he was slightly shocked to see the house looked exactly like his own, only reversed.

"Hi there," a woman said. "You must be Brendan. I'm Mrs.Birch."

"Hi," Brendan said.

"May was exited about making a new friend. She's in her room, I believe," Mrs. Birch said.

"I'll go up and meet her. Thanks," Brendan said, walking upstairs.

The room upstairs, like the downstairs, was a mirror version of his own. The only difference was that some of the items, like the clock, seemed more suited for a girl. He didn't see anyone there, but saw a pokeball on the floor.

"I wonder what's in here," he said, picking it up. But before he could press the button, a hand flew out of nowhere and snatched the ball from him.

He looked to see that the hand belonged to a girl with long brown hair that ended just above her shoulders, and had a green bandana on her head. Her gloves were black and white, and she had a green belt around her waist that had pockets on it. She stood slightly taller than Brendan.

"I'll take that, thank you," she said, with an expression that suggested she didn't want him there. "Who are you, anyway?"

"Brendan," he said. "I just moved in next door. You must be May."

The girl nodded, her expression softening.

"I heard about you from my dad, who's the local professor here in town..." she started.

"There's a professor here too? Great, maybe I can finally get a pokemon," Brendan interrupted.

May scowled. She hated being interrupted.

"Well, anyway, I have to help my dad with some fieldwork," she said, as she picked up a few items and walked downstairs. Brendan followed, thinking that she probably didn't want him in her room when she wasn't there.

After walking out, he was thinking of visiting the professor. But before he could walk down, he heard someone yelling for help. He ran up and saw a brown haired guy running around, with a Zigzagoon on his tail. He got himself cornered against a tree, when he saw Brendan.

"Hey, kid, can you help me? Take one of the pokeballs out of my bag there and help me out!" the man screamed.

Brendan knew that a Zigzagoon wasn't particularly dangerous. Nonetheless, he went to the brown bag in front of him and pulled out one of the pokeballs at random. He threw it to see that he grabbed a green lizard-like pokemon with large yellow eyes, a pinkish belly, and a large tail.

"Treecko," the pokemon said.

"Okay, Treecko...um...." Brendan said, not sure of his attacks.

"Treeco's attacks are Pound and Leer!" the man yelled.

Brendan nodded, then looked down at the green lizard.

"Okay, Treecko, use Pound." Brendan said.

Treecko obeyed immediately, jumping into the air and pounding his large tail down on the Zigzagoon, then backflipping and landing. The Zigzagoon turned and suddenly slammed into Treecko with a Tackle. He flew back and landed.

"Don't take that from him, Treecko." Brendan said. "Hit him with another Pound."

Treeco complied, slapping the pokemon right in the face. the opponent shook it off, then came at Treecko again. Brendon watched as he came closer...closer...

"Dodge, now!" Brendan yelled.

Treecko jumped up, revealing the stump behind him. Zigzagoon was going to fast to stop, and slammed his head right into it. He fell, knocked out.

"Well, an unusual way to win, but I'm thankful for your help," the man said. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Professor Birch."

"Wait, you're Professor Birch?" Brendan said.

He nodded, then said, "It's much to dangerous here. Let's go back to my lab."

Brendan followed him back to the pokemon lab, and they went inside.

To be continued...
 
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Silent Conversation

Chart obsessed wanker
I must say that this story is pretty good! Almost everything's perfect! The plot is perfect and the chapter length is perfect! But there's just a few things I wanted to point out...

1. Punctuation and Capatalization. I saw lots of puncuation and capatalization mistakes that you should fix.

2. Spelling. Now, I usually don't bother about spelling when it's "human words" but I was concerned about the incorrect spelling of the Pokemon's names.


That should be Vigoroth


That should be Treecko

(The Bolded part are the corrections)

Anyways, I find this story very interesting and you must continue! PM me if you want the reviews like this one for every chapter.

So, have fun writing and I'll be reading!
 

Xiang

Well-Known Member
Aye, aside from what the previous reviewer pointed out, this fic , er, chapter seems to be entirely based on the game- it'll drive away potential reviewers and good readers with unoriginality- try to do something new, original, and exciting. Something different and interesting, and you'll do fine. You can follow this plot and still do well if you make it interesting, okay?

Also, description.

May scowled. She hated being interrupted.
NEVER tell us what she's like, SHOW us.

BAD:
Karen loved birds.

GOOD:
Karen's face lit up as she ran towards the flock of sparrows, but they quickly fluttered away as she stepped towards them. Her face then was filled with disappointment.

Show us what the character is like. Like what they look like, act like, etc. through ACTIONS. Not lists or phrases of boring stuff.

"Vigo." they
That period needs to be a comma.

Overall okay, but a lot of work needs to be done and alternatives considered.
 

Xtra

You will be missed:(
Ratiasu said:
You can follow this plot and still do well if you make it interesting, okay?

That's what I'm hoping to do. It's inspired by Breezy, based on Emerald. And I'll try to add some stuff to make it more interesting. I'm also planning to add some Hoennshipping
 
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Xtra

You will be missed:(
Chapter 2

The two of them walked to the back of the lab, and the professor turned towards Brendan.

"You did a good job out there, despite the fact that you're obviously a rookie," he said. "Now, I know you don't have a pokemon yet, so I want you to have the Treecko that you used earlier. It listened to your commands, so I'm guessing he already took a liking to you."

"Thanks," Brendan said, almost snatching the ball away from him.

"Now, why don't you go see May? She can show you what it takes to be a trainer. I believe she's up around Route 103." the professor continued.

"I'll do that," Brendan said, giving a nod. He started to leave, then realized something. He had no idea where Route 103 was. He turned back towards the professor and opened his mouth to ask.

Before he could say anything, the professor said, "Go north through Oldale town,"

Brendan nodded and walked north out of town. Along the way, he wondered what May thought of him. Though that interruption he did earlier didn't help matters.

Those thoughts were erased when he saw someone that seemed to be searching for something. The kid looked up as he approached.

"Have you seen any Wumple? I'm looking for one," he said.

"What's a Wumple?" Brendan asked.

"It's a red bug that can evolve into a butterfly like pokemon," the boy answered.

"Oh, you mean like a Caterpie," Brendan remarked.

The boy blinked, obviously confused.

"What's a Caterpie?" he asked.

---
"Gooooon." the Zigzagoon said, as she fainted.

Treecko was a little short of breath from the battles they fought. On the way to Oldale, they ran into 2 Poochyena, a Wumple, and the Zigzagoon they just beat.

"Don't worry, Treecko, we're practically in Oldale Town," Brendan said.

Treeco gave a tired smile, as Brendan recalled him.

Oldale Town was a quiet little place, not unlike Littleroot. There were two houses, a pokemon center, and a pokemart. There were also a few people walking around, going through their daily lives. As soon as he arrived into town, a lady asked him to follow her.

"No thanks," Brendan said.

I'll give you a free potion," she said.

"Lead the way," Brendan replied.

She led him to the pokemart that he saw earlier and launched some kind of advertisement about the pokemart. Brendan was only half listening, but accepted the potion that the lady promised.

He walked into the pokemon center, where his tired and battered Treecko got healed up, and left, planning to go north and see May. But as he started up, he saw a kid drawing something on a pad of paper. Curious, he stepped closer.

"Stand back!" he said, as Brendan approached. "I found the footprints of a rare pokemon."

Brendan took a look at the prints. he could tell that they looked strangely familiar, like he's seen prints that looked similar many times before. The he realized what they were.

"Are you sure they're not, say, human prints?" Brendan asked.

The kid turned towards him, fire in his eyes.

"THEY ARE POKEMON PRINTS!" he screamed.

Brendan, not wanting to get killed, quickly agreed. He got away as fast as he could, heading for Route 103. Along the way, he met up with a few other pokemon. But since he didn't want to use his one potion just yet, he ran away from the pokemon that were popping up everywhere.

Then in the distance, he saw May. Her brown hair blew behind her, as she wrote in a notepad Her stance suggested confidence, like she was ready for whatever came her way.

And coming her way was Brendan.

"Okay, the pokemon on Route 103 include..." May was saying, then noticed someone watching her. She turned and scowled when she saw it was Brendan.

"Oh...hello," she said. "Did my dad send you here?"

Brendan nodded, and May gave a sigh and rolled his eyes.

"Why does he send all the new trainers my way?" May answered. "But, as long as you're here, let's have a battle. One on one."

Brendan smiled and said, "You're on. Just don't cry when you lose."

"You'll be the one who's losing," May said, as they sent out their pokemon.

To be continued...
 

Silent Conversation

Chart obsessed wanker
I have to say Chapter 2 was very good! Better than the last chapter.

This chapter was longer, which I liked. You do not need to lengthen it (to tell you the truth, I'm not a fan of stories with long chapters)

There were still many grammer mistakes, which you have to fix. Grammer mistakes are a big distraction for readers.

One more thing; your story is still too original. You must make some twists.

Besides that, your chapter is very good and i'll be reading every chapter!
 

Xtra

You will be missed:(
After some consideration, I'm going to drop Hoenn Journeys. I just concluded that I can't make it original enough, even though I had a few ideas lined up.

But all is not lost. I have another idea lined up that I'm going to try, so watch for it.
 
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