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Hoenn Reborn: the remakes R/S/E deserved

infernape100

Well-Known Member
Another peaceful but nonetheless good chapter. It is good to see Hazel go through the most annoying part of all journeys - 'You can't go in the tall grass!'
It was also good to see your description of how a pokeball works and the stuff about the nobel prize was nice (I never did like Birch so muhahaha - you fail Birch)
I like the fact that Rikuya doesn't speak, but it can't go on for the whole series surely and i'm just waiting until he accidently speaks!
Again no hugely noticeable grammar mistakes so bravo for that :)

Oh and Angie seems very forgetful ;)
 

Cutlerine

Gone. Not coming back.
Well now.

It isn't really something that I go around advertising (because people take vows to fight to the death for a fictional country a little oddly) but seriously, I'm probably the biggest fan of Hoenn that I can think of. Not its characters, not its story, not its Pokémon, but Hoenn itself: possibly the strangest, most patchwork nation in the whole of the Pokémon world; where temperate woodlands and plains segue bizarrely into rainforest; where islands appear and disappear for no reason whatsoever; where half the map is composed of seawater; where, somewhere in the distant past, Unown were apparently outcompeted by Braille.

From this, it might reasonably be deduced that I too was fairly longing for an R/S remake, Generation V style. And, having now read this one, I'm beginning to feel I could do a hell of a lot worse than it.

The story of R/S/E is, I think, a perfect choice on your part. In Generation I and II, the story is so vague as to be almost absent; any attempt to rewrite it must necessarily result in wholesale invention. In Generation IV and V, the story is so precise that making it your own faces a different problem, that of the plot resisting your interpretation. But in Hoenn - glorious Hoenn - the storyline is kind of half-formed, midway between the random 'OMG Team Rocket are attacking for some reason' of Kanto and Johto and the more polished plots of Sinnoh and Unova. You have a specific story, but not enough scripted events to really tell it properly. You have hints of huge plans, on the scale of Cyrus' and Ghetsis', but they aren't explored properly beyond 'MOAR LAND' or 'NAY, MOAR WATER'. So I've always seen it as an exceptionally fertile breeding ground for creative reinterpretation.

And you're treating my favoured region well, too. It's a beautiful place if you don't have to Surf through all its damn sea routes, and that opening of yours was just glorious. I have a few quibbles, of course (and if I wasn't so blinded by my insane love for Hoenn itself, I might have more), but in general, this is shaping up to be a fine piece of writing.

I think perhaps you do tend to get a little heavy with the adjectives at times - to the extent that it's a bit hard on the eye - but there hasn't been a really jarring example of this since the first part you posted, so I'll leave that alone for now on the grounds that you're evidently improving in that area. In addition, some of your exposition is slightly clunky; it's mostly the stuff disguised as dialogue, which reads less like the rest of your dialogue and more like an authorial aside.

"Well," Angie frowned, trying to remember, "I think he published a paper last year that got him nominated for the Nobel Prize in the Study of Pokemon, or something like that. It's called, 'An Analysis of Natural Selection of Human-Trained Pokemon and Pokemon Found in the Wild'. There was a huge furore when Samuel Oak won it instead, for successfully compiling the world's first electronic Pokemon encyclopaedia."

"The PokeDex." Hazel nodded. "Didn't that kid help him with it too? The one who took down the Mafia in Kanto?"

"Actually," Angie said, "Oak gave out nine PokeDexes that year for completion. It's true that ... that ... damn, I can't recall his name. Yes, that kid did contribute over 60% of the entries, but the committee's rule that not more than three people can win the prize made all of them obsolete. So Oak gets all the credit." She jumped up. "Why am I wasting time like this? I should probably go unpack some more of our stuff. Hazel, see that house over there?" Angie pointed out the window and Hazel looked over to see a small two-storey house, similar to theirs, on the opposite side of the street. "That's the Birch house. They have a son your age, but I forgot his name. You can go and say hi, and make friends with him!"

That doesn't sound quite like Angie to me. We haven't heard that much of her before, but what we have heard doesn't really sound like that. It's slightly forced, that's all; a little reworking - perhaps extending the conversation so that the information comes out more slowly and naturally - and it should be perfectly believable.

As I was looking up that quote, something just caught my eye:

"Nothing," her daughter replied, fidgeting with her. "There's nothing to do, anyway."

Fidgeting with her what? Left like this, it implies Hazel picked up her mother and started fidgeting with her as if she were some kind of colossal executive toy. I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my quibble list. Man, I should've written these down... I can't think why I didn't. I usually do when reviewing. Well, I'll soldier on regardless.

Ah, you've already addressed the next thing I was going to mention, which is the forced nature of some of the humour in the first couple of chapters. Life is funny, even when bad stuff happens, and especially so in Hoenn; leave it alone and the natural ludicrousness of the story will make itself known without shoving in extra jokes every so often. But, as I said, you've already addressed that, so I'll leave it alone.

I'm sure you probably looked it up for writing this, but for some reason I can't help but think Hooloovoo is spelled with 'u's instead of 'oo's. No, wait, I just looked it up and it's spelled with 'oo's. My mistake. As you were.

I love the inclusion of League politics. Really, I do. I've always loved that aspect of created worlds - the politics, the backstory, the machinery that makes the fiction work - and I just don't see it explored enough for my tastes. So yeah. Keep it up. It's glorious*.

Oh, and I loved the fact that no one can quite recall Red's name. That's a fantastic touch.

Anyway. This is a sorry excuse for a review, but in all honesty, I'm more writing to let you know I like the story and will be tracking its development than anything else. Add me to the PM list, please. I feel like I ought to offer you something to make up for the low quality of the review... perhaps a short description of a cookie in the form of a rudimentary haiku?

Oh, glorious sweet.
Chocolate chunks, golden brown.
Get in mah belly.

Yeah, that should do it.

F.A.B.

*Fun fact: 'glorious' is one of Neil Gaiman's favourite words. Since it's also one of mine, this pleases me immensely.
 

Air Dragon

Ha, ha... not.
Well, I found Rikuya's introduction interesting for one thing. Also, that and the little girl's "Don't go into the tall grass" scene caused a chuckle as well. :)

However, I did spot one off-putting quirk with this chapter (which should pass length quota nicely) :

Yes, that kid did contribute over 60% of the entries,

That 60% is a bit disconcerting in figures. Maybe typing numbers in full would be neater? As far as I know, numbers are only written as figures when they are read as such by a member of cast. For example:

He opened his eyes blearily and gazed at the offending alarm clock, the numbers "7:30" glaring right back in bright neon red.

I hope that point made sense. It can mess up to flow otherwise.

That aside, great chapter! Keep them coming!

L@er!
 

Deadly.Braviary

Well-Known Member
It is good to see Hazel go through the most annoying part of all journeys - 'You can't go in the tall grass!'

Hehe, true! I always hate that bit, but then again, the opening act of every game is quite interesting.

It was also good to see your description of how a pokeball works and the stuff about the nobel prize was nice (I never did like Birch so muhahaha - you fail Birch)

I pulled that PokeBall thing right out of my - actually, let's not go there. But the Nobel Prize thing, I had to research. It never did make sense to me as to why Oak hadn't earned much recognition for his accomplishments, and why Red wasn't known for helping him out. What did make sense was that Oak would need a team of trainers out there, so to speak, to get him some data. So I settled on nine (because it's three times three, and 3^3, while following the rule of three pattern that's one of the characteristics of this story, is far too huge a number).

I like the fact that Rikuya doesn't speak, but it can't go on for the whole series surely and i'm just waiting until he accidently speaks!

Oh, he won't. Rikuya is a betting man, he's sharp. And the limits of his self-control are outrageous.


*walks away from computer*
*returns 10 minutes later, regains composure*
/end fanboying

It isn't really something that I go around advertising (because people take vows to fight to the death for a fictional country a little oddly) but seriously, I'm probably the biggest fan of Hoenn that I can think of. Not its characters, not its story, not its Pokémon, but Hoenn itself: possibly the strangest, most patchwork nation in the whole of the Pokémon world; where temperate woodlands and plains segue bizarrely into rainforest; where islands appear and disappear for no reason whatsoever; where half the map is composed of seawater; where, somewhere in the distant past, Unown were apparently outcompeted by Braille.

tl;dr

... No, just joking. I read all of it. I know right?

From this, it might reasonably be deduced that I too was fairly longing for an R/S remake, Generation V style. And, having now read this one, I'm beginning to feel I could do a hell of a lot worse than it.

Gen VI might bring one along, but I doubt it will come until Nintendo's next handheld loses its backwards compatibility with the DS/DSi/3DS family. :'(

The story of R/S/E is, I think, a perfect choice on your part. In Generation I and II, the story is so vague as to be almost absent; any attempt to rewrite it must necessarily result in wholesale invention. In Generation IV and V, the story is so precise that making it your own faces a different problem, that of the plot resisting your interpretation. But in Hoenn - glorious Hoenn - the storyline is kind of half-formed, midway between the random 'OMG Team Rocket are attacking for some reason' of Kanto and Johto and the more polished plots of Sinnoh and Unova. You have a specific story, but not enough scripted events to really tell it properly. You have hints of huge plans, on the scale of Cyrus' and Ghetsis', but they aren't explored properly beyond 'MOAR LAND' or 'NAY, MOAR WATER'. So I've always seen it as an exceptionally fertile breeding ground for creative reinterpretation.

Gen I would be fun to retell. Imagine Kanto a la film noir, complete with the Mafia, Don Giovanni di Sols, and the rule of three. I might fit a Kanto-based prequel to HR once I'm done - but then again, probably not. Gen IV on the other hand sounds more cyberpunk to me, with a futuristic setting and Matrix-style bullet time controlled by Dialga and Palkia ...

But I digress (as usual). Yeah, I'm sure as hell going to flesh out the story of Ruby and Emerald.

And you're treating my favoured region well, too. It's a beautiful place if you don't have to Surf through all its damn sea routes, and that opening of yours was just glorious.

I don't really mind those sea routes, actually ...

I have a few quibbles, of course (and if I wasn't so blinded by my insane love for Hoenn itself, I might have more), but in general, this is shaping up to be a fine piece of writing.

... You don't know how much this means to me ...

In addition, some of your exposition is slightly clunky; it's mostly the stuff disguised as dialogue, which reads less like the rest of your dialogue and more like an authorial aside.

That doesn't sound quite like Angie to me. We haven't heard that much of her before, but what we have heard doesn't really sound like that. It's slightly forced, that's all; a little reworking - perhaps extending the conversation so that the information comes out more slowly and naturally - and it should be perfectly believable.

Too much info-dumping? I'll go back and fix it.

Left like this, it implies Hazel picked up her mother and started fidgeting with her as if she were some kind of colossal executive toy.

Despite the fact that I have no idea whatsoever as to what an executive toy is, I find your typically Cutlerinism hilarious. Anyway, I'll fix it.

I'm sure you probably looked it up for writing this, but for some reason I can't help but think Hooloovoo is spelled with 'u's instead of 'oo's. No, wait, I just looked it up and it's spelled with 'oo's. My mistake. As you were.

I did, actually. Huluvu ... that looks oddly wrong for some reason ...

I love the inclusion of League politics. Really, I do. I've always loved that aspect of created worlds - the politics, the backstory, the machinery that makes the fiction work - and I just don't see it explored enough for my tastes. So yeah. Keep it up. It's glorious*.

Worldbuilding is a favourite pastime of mine. So is foreshadowing, and creating pseudo-scientific explanations for why stuff that shouldn't work (even by the skewed logic of the Pokemon world), does work. All stuff I picked up from you. I actually wanted to ask you if I could use your idea on how PokeBalls work (the one about Apricorns retaining the genetic material from their tree and stuff), but I decide to come up with my own idea instead. It's not half as good, but it works, and it gives me an opportunity to poke fun at a trope, so ...

Oh, and I loved the fact that no one can quite recall Red's name. That's a fantastic touch.

This stems more from laziness to think of a name for him than from a stroke of genius, actually :p but again, it works!

Anyway. This is a sorry excuse for a review

Oh no, it was pretty good. Simply knowing that you reviewed my story is good enough!

I like the story and will be tracking its development than anything else. Add me to the PM list, please.

The Cutlerine wants in on my PM list. *gasp*

I feel like I ought to offer you something to make up for the low quality of the review... perhaps a short description of a cookie in the form of a rudimentary haiku?

Oh, glorious sweet.
Chocolate chunks, golden brown.
Get in mah belly.

Yeah, that should do it.

The Cutlerine wrote me a haiku.

On chocolate-chip cookies, no less.

*faints*

*Fun fact: 'glorious' is one of Neil Gaiman's favourite words. Since it's also one of mine, this pleases me immensely.

Deadly used Revive!

You used it in your haiku as well, did you notice that?

Well, I found Rikuya's introduction interesting for one thing. Also, that and the little girl's "Don't go into the tall grass" scene caused a chuckle as well.

Hehe. Rikuya ... is quite fun to play around with. He's an interesting character. I like him more than Hazel, but Fenrir? NO ONE CAN BEAT FENRIR. Well, eventually.

However, I did spot one off-putting quirk with this chapter (which should pass length quota nicely) :

It's three hundred words longer than the last :D Cool, no? I'll see about making the next one even longer ...

That 60% is a bit disconcerting in figures. Maybe typing numbers in full would be neater? As far as I know, numbers are only written as figures when they are read as such by a member of cast.

Ah, I didn't know that, but yeah, it makes sense. I'll go change it.

The flow is taking a while to kick in, so the next chapter might take a while. That's all.

~Deadly

PS: trying out that new sign-off thing. How's it look?
 
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Deadly.Braviary

Well-Known Member
Chapter Three brings with it a battle, a sociopathic Mudkip, and a weird hairstyle!


... Unfortunately, it's not Miror B. I'm referring to.



/ Chapter Three /
"The Zigzagoon Platoon vs A Scientific Buffoon"

Route 101, Hoenn ~ 4:00 PM; present day

The United Nations classifies Hoenn, along with the URR, Sinnoh, and about eleven other countries, as a Trainer Nation. Trainer Nations are countries in which Pokemon are found in nature more commonly than so-called 'regular' animals, such as dogs, sheep, and chimpanzees. Since Pokemon are so prevalent in Trainer Nations, much of the economy revolves around them as well. One of the most popular career choices in Trainer Nations is training, from which the classification derives its name. Training, quite simply, consists of people going out in the wild, hunting down Pokemon, and capturing them for use in battle against other Pokemon. In order to find wild Pokemon to catch and battle against, trainers often go off the beaten path and onto roads less travelled, since the stronger the Pokemon, the farther it will live from civilisation. Of course, this procedure was rife with safety concerns. Finally, after the horrific MacKitchinson incident in Johto, 1989 (the one inolving demented Weedle, birthday cake, and a melancholy Porsche), most Trainer Nation governments organised a system of safe paths between roads and cities. These dirt paths - 'Routes', as they were called - were trails that unobtrusively ran through the wilderness, far enough from suburbia that wild Pokemon would not be scared away, but close enough that a trainer in need of help would be able to quickly reach civilisation.

Route 101 was one such path, leading from Littleroot to its neighbouring town, Oldale. A small dirt track between cities, it was straightforward and simply wound over a small ledge, until it finally found its way to Oldale. It was just a kilometre or so long, but it still seemed like a small piece of the plains ripped out and placed into the town. Flowers gave way to tangled knots of grass, and trees lined the roadside, preventing trainers from wandering too far off the route. It was at the Littleroot end of this road that Hazel found herself, panting. Besides her, Rikuya stood still. Both of them were by the grass at the end of the road, looking ahead at a decidedly odd sight.

Rikuya slipped his backpack off and reached into it, pulling out a notepad, on which he scribbled, Wait here, I'll get help. He then proceeded to run back into town, leaving Hazel staring into the clearing ahead. A thirty-something man (he was just old enough to have thick brown stubble covering his double chin and a pot belly, but too young to have a wrinkly face) dressed in a lab coat was stamping at the ground, trying to kick away some small, furry raccoon-like things, while they bit at his ankles, tried to get under his feet, and generally irritate the hell out of him. Simultaneously, the man in the lab coat was shouting, "Help! Hey, help! Goddamn it, someone help me for the love of - Get away! Go! Help!"

"Um ... dude? I'm right here," Hazel called to him. "You don't need to yell ..."

"Thank God you're here!" the man said in relief, while trying to kick away one of the acrobatic pests which had jumped on to his shoe. "These damned Zigzagoon have been on me for half an hour now. A man can only take so much abuse before he lashes out!"

"Don't worry, Professor, your son's gone to get help," Hazel replied. "You are Professor Birch, right?"

"That's me," Birch confirmed. "But we can't wait that long!"

"What were you doing out here anyway?" Hazel queried curiously.

"I was studying the group behaviour of a wild platoon of Zigzagoon when they decided to study my response to a group attack. Now can you help me out here?"

"Like I said, your son's -"

"I can't wait that long!" Birch shouted in frustration. "These Zigzagoon are going to be the death of me if you don't help me right now!"

"Okay, okay. But you really shouldn't be out here without your own Pokemon, you know," Hazel deadpanned.

"I had my own Pokemon!" Birch answered, swatting at a Zigzagoon that had crawled up his pant leg. "They were in my bag, but I dropped it when the Zigzagoon jumped me! Wait a minute," he paused as an idea occured to him, "the bag! It's still around there somewhere! Quick, find it!"

Hazel looked around and spotted a brown bag in the middle of a bush. She tugged at it and the bush relinquished its grasp after a few seconds, scraping against the faux leather surface. Opening the flap of the bag, she found that three PokeBalls, all in their 'small' state, nestled amidst a sea of papers, folders, and a pair of binoculars. She dug in and pulled them out, holding one in each hand with the third at her foot.

"Wait, wait!" Hazel looked at Birch, annoyed. "If you use all three," he explained, "the Pokemon will get confused. Only call out one."

"Heh, all right." She looked back to the two PokeBalls in hand. "Which one? Ah, I guess I'll go with that one!" She dropped the one in her right hand, juggled the other so that now it lay in her right hand, and flicked the switch. A burst of white light streamed out as the ball swung open on its hinges, taking the form of a small, blue ... thing? It looked oddly like a cross between a lizard and a frog, with a large and spiky fin on its head in the style of a mohawk, two orange star-shaped fins on its cheeks, and yet another translucent, wet-looking fin as a tail.

"What the hell?" Hazel was taken aback at the sight of this strange Pokemon. "Hey, Professor, what Pokemon is this?"

"It's a Mudkip!" he shouted. "Please, quickly, help!"

"But I don't even know what attacks it has," Hazel pointed out. At this point, Birch gave a desperate cry, muffled by the fact that he had finally toppled onto his rear and was currently trying to pull two Zigzagoon off his face. "Um ... whatever. Mudkip, use ... Tackle?"

The Mudkip did something Hazel was definitely not expecting it to do. It turned to her, twitched its cheek-fins disparagingly at her (How, Hazel thought, can it even do that?) and glinted its eye (Okay, that's weird. How does it know which angle to stand at to reflect sunlight off?), before it sprinted straight at the Professor. Smashing into Birch, Mudkip charged at the Zigzagoon. The platoon scattered, scampering for safety to save their skins from the weird blue amphibian with an attitude, until only one remained.


The last Zigzagoon faced off against the Mudkip, squaring its small shoulders and glaring with its beady black eyes (They're actually kinda cute this way!) in an unconvincing effort to look threatening. Its spiky fur reminded Hazel of a cup of espresso, with swirling bands of opponent reared on its back legs, sneering down at the small mammal as it landed back down in an attempt to show the Zigzagoon exactly who was boss. The raccoon Pokemon folded its ears backwards, flat against its body, and opened its mouth, baring small, sharp teeth. The Mudkip responded by twitching its cheek-fins at the Zigzagoon again.



The Zigzagoon narrowed its eyes, giving it a look of intense concentration.




The Mudkip lowered its head fin and pawed at the ground, like a bull.





... An epic showdown, this was not.

"Uh, Professor?" Hazel called to Birch, who, on the opposite side of the field, had just gotten up and was dusting himself off. "Why aren't they attacking?"

"A good question," Birch said approvingly. "Perhaps they're having a show of power. Each trying to intimidate the other, show its superiority. This is clearly Zigzagoon's territory, but Mudkip is unquestionably badass so it's anyone's game."

Hazel rolled her eyes. "I know it's a good question, but do you have a good answer?"

"Err ... no," Birch muttered. Then his face lit up. "Actually, yes! You have to command Mudkip to attack, don't you?"

"Uh, he seems intelligent. Why would I need to command him in battle? It's practically begging Zigzagoon to dodge. Wouldn't it be more strategic to think up a maneouver and give it a cool codename instead of shouting out orders?"

Birch shrugged. "I don't know! Look, girl ... Actually, why am I still here? Those Zigzagoon aren't on me anymore, so I can go. Oh, and if you want a reward, drop by my laboratory tomorrow!" And with that, he gathered up his bag and the remaining two PokeBalls (leaving behind Mudkip's PokeBall) fled, jogging as fast as he could (which was slightly faster than the average snail on steroids).

"You know, Mudkip," Hazel said. "There's no point in battling any - huh?" For Mudkip was now walking away from the fight, its Mohawk standing proud and straight in the gentle breeze, leaving behind it a collapsed heap of fur and dust that had more in common with roadkill than Zigzagoon. "Wow, that's cool. You actually won the fight while I was talking to that old man?"

In response, the blue whatever-it-was raised its three-toed paw up and put two of its toes down.

"Oh no, you didn't," Hazel spat under her breath. The Mudkip continued to stare smugly at her. "Goddamn it you -", and she proceeded to comment profanely on the Mudkip's parentage, while hitting the switch on its PokeBall. The behaviourally deficient Pokemon vanished in a burst of light, being sucked up into HammerSpace. Still cursing under her breath, Hazel began to trek back up the road, but stopped in her tracks when she noticed a certain shaggy-haired male leaning against a tree, the epitome of relaxation.

"You were around all this time, weren't you?" she said, noticeably pissed. Rikuya simply answered with a smug smirk. "Stop doing that!"

The boy shrugged in innocence, as if to say, Stop doing what?

"You know what. That silent thing you keep doing! It's pissing me off."

Rikuya straightened up, shifting into a proper standing posture. He handed her a note which said, No one wanted to help.

"Leaving me alone like that with a weird old man and a sociopathic Mudkip," Hazel growled, "wasn't very chivalrous of you. Sooo ..."

A look of discomfort appeared on Rikuya's face. He knew that kind of sooo. It was the sooo someone said when you ate the last piece of cake which the only toddler in the room wanted, a sooo that was bone-chillingly filled with consequences.

"As punishment," Hazel continued, "You'll have to walk me home. It's almost twi - sunset. Damn, I almost said it. Anyway, it's almost sunset - even though it's only about four-thirty and I don't know how safe this town of yours is. C'mon," and she marched off, PokeBall in hand. Rikuya stared for a second before walking after her.

the Indigo Plateau, Kanto ~ 2:15 AM; present day

Every Trainer Nation has a government-sanctioned association of Pokemon trainers, known as the National League of Pokemon Trainers, and the URR is no different. In fact, being a country composed of two regions rather than one, they have a much larger League than most other countries. While most countries have a board of directors composed of two representatives from the Gym Leaders, one from the Elite Four, the current head of the Active, Competitive and Extreme Training Measures Organisation (the ACE trainers), the Champion, and around four other highly respected trainers, the URR had five Gym Leaders, one person qualified to be an Elite (but not holding the post of Elite as well), and three more respected trainers. One of the five Gym Leaders in question was Pryce W Townsend, and he was the one who had called the meeting of the board of directors.

"In short," the aged Leader concluded, "we must immediately speak to the government, sending a recommendation that they put into effect, as soon as possible, new tax laws and more stringent security methods."

The Champion, Lance Stryker, nodded gravely, his pretentious red hair stiff as a statue. Copious amounts of gel slithered through the six-inch tall mountain of flame-like hair as he stood to speak. "Thank you, Mr Townsend. Now, we'll close this meeting as soon as we rule on whether or not to approve Mr Townsend's solution proposition for the problem he a - afore - said before." Although the correct wording would be 'proposition for a solution', no one bothered to correct the pompous thirty-year-old, who looked proud at having managed to slip two polysyllabic words into his suggestion.

There was silence for a few minutes as everyone read the leaflets Pryce had inconspicuously placed on the table earlier. A gradual murmuring began, but died down under the fierce glare of the septagenarian Gym Leader.

"Shall we approve the motion?" Lance enquired. "We'll simply have an informal show of hands for this ingenious solution. All those in favour, raise hands."

A few seconds passed as a secretary, sitting in a dark corner, quickly took a note of the votes. At a nod from him, Lance continued. "All those voting no, raise hands."

A few more seconds passed.

"All those abstaining, raise hands."

Once the meeting was complete, the secretary quickly tallied the votes, and handed the results to Lance. The League's poster boy frowned in surprise as he read, but when he put the clipboard down, he looked as though he had won the lottery (a decidedly difficult feat since all attending doubted Lance's ability to count without using his fingers, a textbook, and a look of concentration - if such a thing was possible).

"The solution," Lance said quite happily, "is approved. As of now, Norman Ruby is an outlaw in the URR, and we will be sending a team of League officials to bring him back to Johto by any means possible."

Yes, Mudkip has a mohawk. More Pokemon need mohawks and more people need Mudkip. I herd u liek mudkipz? Well, Mudkip doesn't like you. In your face!

"The platoon scattered, scampering for safety to save their skins." Try saying that five times fast!

... Y'know, I usually write a lot more in this section.
 
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Scaldaver

Limitless
First, I agree with Cutlerine - I both love Hoenn (I might even write my own fic based there...) and the premise of this story.

One of the most amusing things is they way you've both kept the original structure strong as well as dabbling in some humorous logic. For example, the way you explained the male protagonist's silence is commendable, as is the way you explained the whole truck-beginning thing. The good part is that I know what's coming, but not how it's coming, you know what I mean?

I enjoy the air of mystery surrounding Slade, as well as the mystery boss. I hope the whole 'Dad's a refugee' thing will tie in well (perhaps to explain why the main character leaves him til fifth to beat). Kudos on getting Mudkip, the unquestionable badass (I know love you for that) - the region's now much simpler than getting, I dunno, a Treeko.

This whole tax thing seems rather complicated, as well as the governmental system, but to me that helps with us relating as to why Norman found it so hard to pay his taxes. Me thinks the League are being a bit too harsh though - didn't they blow off the taxes then suddenly, without giving any time for Norman to pay them, just banned him from training. On top of this, when he escapes a team is sent to track him down....Well....

I love the voice you do this through - Hazel is hilariously witty and vocal (particularly when adding Rikuya's voice) - I can't wait to see more of her.

Overall, I have absolutely fallen for this fic, but it does unfortunately pose me one difficult question - whether this can be classed as 'original' for the Fanfiction nominations! Keep up the good work!
 
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Deadly.Braviary

Well-Known Member
I both love Hoenn (I might even write my own fic based there...) and the premise of this story.

Dude, you're already writing it. And it's awesome. And I reviewed it ;)

The good part is that I know what's coming, but not how it's coming, you know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean! And just wait until you see a couple of the antagonists ...

I enjoy the air of mystery surrounding Slade, as well as the mystery boss.

Slade's plot is tied into the main plot early on, so you can expect to see him eventually, but the mystery boss will only be revealed a little late in the story.

I hope the whole 'Dad's a refugee' thing will tie in well (perhaps to explain why the main character leaves him til fifth to beat).

It will, don't you worry.

Kudos on getting Mudkip, the unquestionable badass (I know love you for that) - the region's now much simpler than getting, I dunno, a Treeko.

The Hoenn starters are all pretty cool, but it seems kinda cliche to me to see females starting with Torchic all the time. So I gave Hazel Mudkip, because I love Mudkip, and I made him bad*ss as well.

This whole tax thing seems rather complicated, as well as the governmental system, but to me that helps with us relating as to why Norman found it so hard to pay his taxes.

Speaking of taxes, the crazy tax officials should be showing up eventually ...

Me thinks the League are being a bit too harsh though - didn't they blow off the taxes then suddenly, without giving any time for Norman to pay them, just banned him from training. On top of this, when he escapes a team is sent to track him down....Well....

The thing is, Norman's been not-paying them for a while now, only the League was preoccupied with the Mafia. But once Lance - who's an idiot - became the Champion, he became a lot more nitpicky about small fry like that. And Lance, once again being an idiot, sent a team of said crazy tax officials after Norman.

Oh wait. I spoiled the plot. Well, not like we all didn't see that coming ...

I love the voice you do this through - Hazel is hilariously witty and vocal (particularly when adding Rikuya's voice) - I can't wait to see more of her.

Thank you! Hazel is my first female protagonist, and I'm working my *ss off to try and make her feel realistic. And she'll be filling in Rikuya's voice a lot, since he's on his vow of silence ...

Overall, I have absolutely fallen for this fic, but it does unfortunately pose me one difficult question - whether this can be classed as 'original' for the Fanfiction nominations! Keep up the good work!

Glad to hear it! Too bad it couldn't be nominated for the 2012 Awards, though ...

And finally, I'll leave y'all with a note that Chapter 2 has been amended in general. The conversation between Angie and Hazel has been revamped, since that bit was particularly nitpicked at. Now go forth and find new nits to pick!

~Deadly
 

T-Bolt

Electrifying.
A burst of white light streamed out as the ball swung open on its hinges, taking the form of a small, blue ... thing? It looked oddly like a cross between a lizard and a frog, with a large and spiky fin on its head in the style of a mohawk, two orange star-shaped fins on its cheeks, and yet another translucent, wet-looking fin as a tail.

I hope all your pokemon descriptions are like this! Mudkip does look nothing like a Mudskipper.

"Shall we approve the motion?" Lance enquired. "We'll simply have an informal show of hands for this ingenious solution. All those in favour, raise hands."

I'm not sure about this. Lance's choice of words don't really tie in too well with the personality you've given him. Other than that, this scene was perfect.

All in all, I loved this chapter, the humour didn't seem strained and the descriptions were great. Looking forward to future chapters!
 

Knightfall

Blazing Wordsmith
Well, after reading this, I have to say that I'm inclined to agree with the posts above. This story is marvelous.

Now, as I've already made my views of the previous chapters known, I'll stick to the most recent chapter.

I enjoyed how you portrayed the battle between the Mudkip and the Zigzagoon. Professor Birch is an interesting man. Norman claimed Elm was odd, but I'm certain that Birch is even worse.

Anyways, we didn't see too much of Rikuya this time around, but I'm sure that'll change with future chapters.

I'm intrigued to see what Hazel will decide to do now that she has the Mudkip. She has already told her father that she wasn't interested in a journey, so it'll be fun to see how she'll get roped into it.

Also, the Kanto and Johto League. They obviously aren't happy with Norman, and I'm deeply worried at who these agents might be.

Keep up the good work, Deadly.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;
 

Colt45

Cobalt
Add me to the PM list, plox. This is a great fic you got goin' on here.

Edit: I shall post my first proper review with your next chapter btw.
 
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Deadly.Braviary

Well-Known Member
Well, after reading this, I have to say that I'm inclined to agree with the posts above. This story is marvelous.

Thanks! Glad you think that way :D

I enjoyed how you portrayed the battle between the Mudkip and the Zigzagoon.

Battle? What battle? All they did was stare at each other ...

Professor Birch is an interesting man. Norman claimed Elm was odd, but I'm certain that Birch is even worse.

My version of Birch isn't the smoothest key on the board :p Yeah, he knows his stuff, but not much else.

Anyways, we didn't see too much of Rikuya this time around, but I'm sure that'll change with future chapters.

Don't expect him to hang around too much: he's the male human lead, but Hazel will still hold that coveted title of protagonist.

I'm intrigued to see what Hazel will decide to do now that she has the Mudkip. She has already told her father that she wasn't interested in a journey, so it'll be fun to see how she'll get roped into it.

Who said she's going on a journey? Hehe ... oh wait. I did. Damn.
Anyway, yeah. She's going to have to get along with Mudkip ...

Also, the Kanto and Johto League. They obviously aren't happy with Norman, and I'm deeply worried at who these agents might be.

It's the URR, actually. Kanto and Johto are two 'regions' in one 'country', while Hoenn is a single 'region' in a country. It's like how Australia is a country in the continent of Australia. Or something like that.
And those agents are, in fact, the crazed tax collectors I mentioned in the summary. They'll be getting an official 'team name' soon.

Add me to the PM list, plox. This is a great fic you got goin' on here.

Thank you! And added.

I shall post my first proper review with your next chapter btw.

Sure, don't worry, it'll be up soon enough. Maybe even later today?

Also, the story now has a snazzy banner by yours truly :D I truly am multi-talented. The background image was found on the 'Weather Trio' article on Bulbapedia and the Hazel and Rikuya sprites are 80% scratched onto bases of NPCs from Black and White. So that'll be sigged right now!

Later then!

~Deadly
 

LadyLady

Well-Known Member
I loved the prologue! It was great I likes all the references you made, even with a character like Norman (not one of my favourites) you still managed to make me enjoy it :) the description was too noch especially when describing hoenn but then I read the next chapter and I I'm honest with you I didn't like it as much :( I know you were just introducing Hazel but I just found it so boring, she's a great character, abit too sarcastic sometimes but thinking about it now I have no idea what she looks like, I mean you said she has chocolate hair like her mothers and a complexion like Normans but I just can't imagine it I don't know, anyway it was all nicely written especially the prologue so well done :)))
 

deh74

Seine Majestät
I like this very much. I especially loved how hazel got flipped off a mudkip . I also have a guess as too what fenrir ie us.
 

master3019

Me gusta Flygon
WHY did I not read this sooner? This is definitely one of the best fan-fics i have ever read. The pop culture references, the language that only a teenager could use. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. 11/10 rating. Excellent. I can't think of any words to describe this. OMFG (Oh my friendly Gyarados)!
 

Colt45

Cobalt
I like this very much. I especially loved how hazel got flipped off a mudkip . I also have a guess as too what fenrir ie us.

Don't you mean Hazel got flipped off by a Mudkip? I don't think the Mudkip flipped her over :p
 

deh74

Seine Majestät
That would have been cool too though...
 

Deadly.Braviary

Well-Known Member
I loved the prologue! It was great I likes all the references you made, even with a character like Norman (not one of my favourites) you still managed to make me enjoy it :)

Thank you! Hehe. I actually try to screw with everyone's expectations of the characters. For example, in my story, Lance - who is usually portrayed as being brave, noble and the stereotypical knight-in-shining armour - has a huge ego and is generally an idiot.

the description was too noch especially when describing hoenn

I assume you typo'ed there, and it's meant to be 'top notch'. Thank you :D

I know you were just introducing Hazel but I just found it so boring, she's a great character, abit too sarcastic sometimes but thinking about it now I have no idea what she looks like, I mean you said she has chocolate hair like her mothers and a complexion like Normans but I just can't imagine it

Oh my God. I just realised you're completely right, I have epic-failed to describe Hazel except for her 'facial features'. I'll go and edit everything into the next chapter right now. Thank you for pointing out such an incredibly huge oversight on my part. Everyone, I am so sorry.

I don't know, anyway it was all nicely written especially the prologue so well done :)

Thank you!

I like this very much. I especially loved how hazel got flipped off a mudkip . I also have a guess as too what fenrir ie us.

Hehe, that's going to be one of Mudkip's defining traits. And I'm curious to know what you think Fenrir is - although I doubt it's correct. I purposefully avoided describing him in detail so as to leave that in mystery

WHY did I not read this sooner? This is definitely one of the best fan-fics i have ever read.

And, with this review, we are off to a brilliant start :D

The pop culture references, the language that only a teenager could use.

There's a perfectly good explanation for that. I'm a teenager myself.

OMFG (Oh my friendly Gyarados)!

Thank you so much, and I LOL'd so hard at that!

Don't you mean Hazel got flipped off by a Mudkip? I don't think the Mudkip flipped her over :p

Hmm, it's definitely a possibility :p Nah, just joking.

That would have been cool too though...

You're right, it would.

The next chapter is horrendously off-schedule (I plan on trying to update twice a week when possible) so please forgive me for that. I'll try and get it up today.

~Deadly
 
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deh74

Seine Majestät
"Hehe, that's going to be one of Mudkip's defining traits.
And I'm curious to know what you think Fenrir is -although I doubt it's correct. I purposefully avoided
describing him in detail so as to leave that in mystery"
POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT!
is it zoroark?
 

Deadly.Braviary

Well-Known Member
POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT!
is it zoroark?

No, you're wrong there. And there are spoiler-tags, you know. Like this

[*SPOILER=whatever you want to caption it]insert text here[/*SPOILER]

Without asterisks, it becomes:

insert text here

FF.Net is screwing with me, so it might be awhile before this chapter goes up there. Sorry for the long wait, and it's slightly on the short side - and yet again, not much happens ... Damn, I'm making it sound bad.

Here it is finally:

Chapter Four brings with it a fight, a mysterious duo, and a lab!



hoenn reborn
(the remakes that R/S/E deserved)

/ Chapter Four /
"Of Mudkip and Men"


Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 6:30 PM; present day

Hazel looked like the walking dead - or, more accurately or and far more believably, like a sleepwalker. Understandable, considering she'd had an extremely unusual day, including such activities as being thrown into a moving van, meeting a guy who refused to speak to her (or, for that matter, anyone), and receiving an extremely rude gesture from an I-don't-even-know-what-it-is Pokemon. Then, after all that, she'd come home and found that Norman was home, as promised. She remembered going upstairs and having a long, hot shower, and then sitting on the stairs and listen to Norman and Angie argue over her.

"You can't do this to her, Norman," Angie had said. She'd heard this and stopped in her tracks, knowing that they were talking about her. When they fought, it was always about her.

"It's just for a while," her father had replied placatingly. "Until I earn enough money to pay everything off. I'm sure we should be fine. The League's tax laws are pretty lenient, they'll let us off with a warning if we pay the taxes off now."

"And how," her mother had said, raising her voice, "do you intend to pay it all off? This came in the mail earlier today, Norman." Hazel couldn't see, but she could imagine Angie handing Norman an envelope, Norman pulling out a letter, his lips moving soundlessly as he read.

Norman had been silent for a minute. Then he said, "Let them come. Let them send the goddamn Elites themselves after me! What the hell is this? They're sending goddamn tax officials after me? I'll whip their asses all the way to hell if they come within six feet of me!" His raging rant died down as fast as it had began, and his voice was gentle once more. He does that a lot, Hazel noticed. "Look, I've got a decent job here. Birch got my credentials through to the League so that my application was approved. I'm a Gym Leader here and a damn good one at that." It wasn't overconfidence; it was simply the truth. Hazel had seen her father battle in Mahogany. His old Sneasel, Freeze (Norman had never been particularly imaginative when it came to nicknames), had decimated one challenger's team of four Pokemon, all fully evolved, one a Fire-type, without taking more damage then a few scratches. The challenger's Rapidash, on the other hand, had broken its leg by slipping on the frozen battlefield.

Hazel had heard nothing for a while, until Norman spoke again. "Look, over the next few weeks, they'll be sorting out the paperwork. I tried getting the Ice-type, but it's off-limits because one of the Elites specialises in it, so I settled for Normal. This region has some good ones, I hear - and once I'm done training up my various teams, I'll be officially sworn in to the League. That'll be a little later - maybe two weeks, maybe a month. Then I'll be able to start earning, and I can make enough within a year or two to pay it all back. We can manage here until then. Right?"

At this point, she'd heard a muffled sob, and decided to stay in her room until dinner.

Saffron City Airport, Kanto ~ 7:00 PM

"Attention, all passengers on Flight 19683, going Saffron, URR to Petalburg, Hoenn," the voice over the PA systems blared. "The boarding gates are now open."

"Finally!" exclaimed a woman, sitting in the waiting area. She turned to shake her companion awake; the man snored a bit before rousing himself. The couple attracted some attention due to their odd looks. Both were dressed in monochrome formal attire, but that wasn't the strangest thing about them. The man wore a black tuxedo, black trousers, and a black tie, with black aviator sunglasses, tinted so as to almost be opaque; on the other hand, his hair was as white as a cloud, cut and gelled into a small cloud of spines. It was impossible to discern his age despite his hair; he could have been twenty-five just as easily as a hundred and three, but his posture and the slight, stubbly remnants of a beard shaved off recently suggested he was in his late thirties. The woman, on the other hand, wore a short, snow-white cocktail dress and stockings, her feet enclosed in stilettos and a necklace with a single pearl hanging on her neck. Her eyes were a cold and dead grey, and her hair was so black that it would shame the darkest raven. She had the beauty of an icy queen, elegant, and able to have you beheaded in seconds on a whim. She, too, looked somewhat ageless, a stern goddess in modern times; but an observant fashionista would note that her style was of a young woman, barely halfway through her twenties but yet dressing as an older woman. If they were characters in a suspense thriller, they would be labelled 'the Man in Black' and the 'Woman in White'.

The duo stood and hurried to the boarding gate, occupying the first class queue. As they walked out of the airport and into the connecting tube, the Woman in White asked her partner, "Have you received your mission-specific Pokemon?"

The Man nodded, lifting his coat slightly to reveal a small belt with six small magnetic-lock slots to hold PokeBalls. Two were occupied by the standard red-and-white variety. The third held a differently-coloured PokeBall, black in colour with small green circular markings on it and a red switch; this was the one he had received recently. "What's in it, anyway?" he asked, his voice deep and thick.

"A powerful Pokemon not native to the URR or Hoenn," the Woman said. "Use it only if the target resists and proves to be difficult to subdue in a Pokemon battle. It's quite rare, and you should probably see no need to use it if all goes according to plan."

"Where's yours?" the Man said suspciously. This was the first time he was working with a Kantonian, and, to top it off, she wasn't just a taxation official like him. His boss had told him nothing except that she was a high-ranking 'agent' from Kanto - agent of what, he refused to say. But the Man had his doubts: he'd seen the small tattoo of a coiled snake - a viper - on her left wrist. He knew exactly what it meant, and if she was who he thought she was, he had every right to fear for his life in the event that they failed the mission.

"Mine?" The Woman in White giggled gently; the first expression of emotion he'd seen her display all evening. "I'm a veteran agent. I don't need special Pokemon. I can do all right with just mine."

I bet you can, thought the Man in Black grimly. I bet you can.


Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 9:30 AM

Hazel awoke blearily to the unwelcome sight of a Mudkip on her belly chewing what looked suspiciously like a pillow. Reacting as any sane person would, she swatted at the amphibian with a shriek, sending it tumbling to the floor. Mudkip gave her a reproachful look, picking itself up and dusting itself off.

"How did you get out of your PokeBall?" she demanded. The Mudkip simply flicked its fin at her. "Huh, you can't talk, right? Well, you better stay in there from now on!" She dug into the pockets of the jeans she'd been wearing earlier and withdrew Mudkip's PokeBall. Switching it to the off mode caused Mudkip to transform into a glowing blob of energy, which was subsequently absorbed into the interior of the PokeBall.

Hazel dressed quickly, wearing a long red sleeveless T-shirt and black shorts. "I gotta go return you, huh?" she grumbled at the PokeBall. "Well, whatever."

After having some cereal for breakfast, Hazel retrieved Mudkip's PokeBall and slipped it into the waist-bag she always carried. Looking around, she found her mother in the kitchen. "Hey Mom," the brunette said. "I need to go give Professor Birch his Mudkip back. I told you yesterday, right?"

"I remember," Angie said. "Just a sec, I'll tell you where his lab is ..."


It took Hazel just a few minutes to find Birch's lab. Angie had said it was a big white building, and Birch's office would be on the second floor. What Angie hadn't said was that it would be a dump.
Birch's office was cramped and claustrophobic. Stacks of books teeteered precariously on small creaky tables, and the bookshelves on the wall held PokeBalls instead. Tangled computer cables slithered across the floor. Bulky cathode-ray tube monitors sat on empty filing cabinets. Birch's bag was lying on a chair, and the man himself was perched on a beanbag, lazily helping himself to a cup of coffee while reading a celebrity gossip magazine.

"Hey, Professor," Hazel said loudly. Startled, the man looked up, almost spilling coffee on himself. He was dressed in a dirty lab coat and short cargo pants that disclosed the unpleasant sight of his hairy legs.

"Hazel, isn't it?" Birch said, not bothering to greet her. He put down the mug and magazine, and walked over to her. At full height, he was close to five feet and eight inches or so, just about as tall as Hazel herself. "What can I do for you?”

"You can have your Pokemon back." Hazel pulled out the PokeBall, and Birch hit the switch, sending out Mudkip. The amphibian licked its paw like a cat, giving Birch a look. If looks could kill and Birch was a cat, he'd be as alive as Hitler, which is to say, not at all.

"Huh?" Birch looked surprised at Mudkip's expression. "Looks like Doug here really likes you."

"What?!" Both Mudkip and Hazel were horrified. "You can't be serious! He gave me the finger!" Hazel cried. Mudkip proceeded to do it again, this time to Birch.

"Perhaps it was a display of affection in Mudkip terms?" Birch said thoughtfully, oblivious to Mudkip's scathing look. "Anyway, Mudkip are a rare species. I found Doug in a swamp in the wilderness a couple of months ago. He seems kind of unhappy here with me, so I've been looking for someone to adopt him, but strangely, everyone who wanted to at first came back and said they changed their mind after two days with him." He scratched his beard. "I wonder why."

"Whatever! I'm not taking this ... thing!"

Birch snapped his fingers, ignoring Hazel. "You know what? You're sixteen, right? You could get a trainer's license by now! I bet you'd have it by the end of graduation if you applied."

Hazel shook her head vehemently. "No. Freakin'. Way. I am not becoming a trainer. Seriously, who goes backpacking around countries to train Pokemon? And, for the record, I have graduated."

Birch seemed to wilt a little. "Really? Every kid dreams of being a trainer."

"Not me," Hazel said. "I'm gonna be a software developer. Y'know, like the Pokemon Storage Box System."

"That was developed for trainers to use," Birch said. "Why not be a trainer? You know you want to ..."

"Seriously," Hazel groaned. "I'm not being a trainer. Now have your Mudkip, and just let me go!"

"I'll give you three thousand bucks if you apply for a trainer's license," Birch said desperately.

Hazel, who was walking away, stopped. "Three thousand?!" she asked, turning slowly. "Why the hell would you do something like that?"

Birch sighed in relief. "You want to be a software dev, right?" he said. "You'll need to go to a decent college somewhere. And I doubt you'll be able to do that here. Software developing is practically non-existent in Hoenn, so you'll have to go abroad. That'll ramp up the expenses a whole lot, unless your parents move back to Johto - and that's probably not happening anytime soon. So why not build up some money here in Hoenn as a trainer? In battles, you know both sides stake some money on a win, right? Well, training gives good money that way. You'll need the three hundred for applying for the license and for your first couple of battles in case you lose."

Hazel raised her eyebrows. "Why are you doing this anyway? To get me to take your Mudkip?"

"Uh ... would'ya believe me if I said yes?"

Hazel groaned. "Whatever. You do have a point. Anyway, I'll consider it. But here's your Mudkip." She handed him the PokeBall, and left, leaving Birch to look worriedly at her.

19683 is the cube of three cube, in case you're wondering, so my fascination/obsession with the rule of three continues. The Man in Black and the Woman in White are both fun characters to write, and they are my infinitely more capable and far more intimidating replacements of the typical 'grunt duo' (Jesse and James, for example).
 
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Air Dragon

Ha, ha... not.
Right, Review le Next!

Let's start this party!

Firstly, the grammar mix-ups!

in an unconvincing effort to look threating.

That last word is threatening.

Birch shrugged. "I don't know! Look, girl ... Actually, why am I still here? Those Zigzagoon aren't on me anymore, so I can go. Oh, and if you want a reward, drop by my laboratory tomorrow!" And with that, he gathered up his bag and the remaining two PokeBalls (leaving behind Mudkip's PokeBall) fled, jogging as fast as he could (which was slightly faster than the average snail on steroids).

So much for the most athletic Pokemon professor of the lot... well, after gettin attacked by rabid (?) Zigzagoon, I guess I'd be hobbling away, too.

"You know, Mudkip," Hazel said. "There's no point in battling any - huh?" For Mudkip was now walking away from the fight, its Mohawk standing proud and straight in the gentle breeze, leaving behind it a collapsed heap of fur and dust that had more in common with roadkill than Zigzagoon. "Wow, that's cool. You actually won the fight while I was talking to that old man?"

In response, the blue whatever-it-was raised its three-toed paw up and put two of its toes down.

Whey hey and up she rises, early in the morning... :p

So, the first Pokemon is obtained, and what a Pokemon it was! The URR don't seem to be so easily deterred, do they? I mean, sure Norman may be a cheapskate, but those guys just do NOT give up! (and with that, that particular plot thickens once again.)

Oh, and yes, me liek mudkipz. :p Torchics aren't bad either, but mudkipz for the winz. (Can't be serious all the way, can I?)

Now, the hijinks are getting interesting... keep them coming!

And you just post Chapter Four. Convenient...

"Perhaps it was a display of affection in Mudkip terms?" Birch said thoughtfully, oblivious to Mudkip's scathing look. "Anyway, Mudkip are a rare species. I found Doug in a swamp in the wilderness a couple of months ago. He seems kind of unhappy here with me, so I've been looking for someone to adopt him, but strangely, everyone who wanted to at first came back and said they changed their mind after two days with him." He scratched his beard. "I wonder why."

Seriously? How did you get your Professorship again, Birch? o_O

"Whatever! I'm not taking this ... thing!"

Birch snapped his fingers, ignoring Hazel. "You know what? You're sixteen, right? You could get a trainer's license by now! I bet you'd have it by the end of graduation if you applied."

Hazel shook her head vehemently. "No. Freakin'. Way. I am not becoming a trainer. Seriously, who goes backpacking around countries to train Pokemon? And, for the record, I have graduated."

Birch seemed to wilt a little. "Really? Every kid dreams of being a trainer."

Way to amp up the stereotype... :p

"That was developed for trainers to use," Birch said. "Why not be a trainer? You know you want to?"

Hmm... somehow, based on the context, I don't think that second question is meant to be a question. Birch is trying to be cajoling, convince Hazel here, right? Maybe an ellipsis can portray him trailing off the statement hopefully in a better sense than the question mark.

"Seriously," Hazel groaned. "I'm not being a trainer. Now have your Mudkip, and just let me go!"
"I'll give you three thousand bucks if you apply for a trainer's license," Birch said desperately.
Hazel, who was walking away, stopped. "Three thousand?!" she asked, turning slowly. "Why the hell would you do something like that?"

Yeah, Birch... why would you? (smirks) On a slightly more serious note, why didn't he just dump "Doug" onto Rikuya instead of swearing the poor kid to silence? That would have been a better usage of winning a bet to me...

Hazel raised her eyebrows. "Why are you doing this anyway? To get me to take your Mudkip?"

"Uh ... would'ya believe me if I said yes?"

You wonder why no one wants him, hunh? Three thousand bucks says you're lying. :D

This is getting interesting. And the way you "explain" idiosyncracies in the series, like giving Pokemon to random youth, they having a start-up fund, and how they get in the back of the truck are explained wonderfully. Plus, they're funny as hell to read. :p

I am enjoying this. Immensely.

L@er!
 
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