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So, the first Pokemon is obtained, and what a Pokemon it was! The URR don't seem to be so easily deterred, do they? I mean, sure Norman may be a cheapskate, but those guys just do NOT give up! (and with that, that particular plot thickens once again.)
Mudkip was my starter in the first game of Ruby I ever played, so I have a soft spot for them - despite the meme. Also, most of the female R/S/E protagonists (Sapphire, May from the anime, May from Pebble Version webcomics, May from Hoenn League: A Brendan and May Adventure) have Torchic, so I wanted to mix stuff up a little.
On a slightly more serious note, why didn't he just dump "Doug" onto Rikuya instead of swearing the poor kid to silence? That would have been a better usage of winning a bet to me...
Rikuya has his own Pokemon - the PokeBall in his room was occupied, remember? But you're right, that would have, only that would have given Hazel a Treecko. And seems to me like Treecko would suit better to Rikuya.
This is getting interesting. And the way you "explain" idiosyncracies in the series, like giving Pokemon to random youth, they having a start-up fund, and how they get in the back of the truck are explained wonderfully. Plus, they're funny as hell to read.
Next chapter coming soon, I promise! And I'm trying to settle into a weekly update schedule rather than twice a week, since that gives me more time to write better quality chapters, edit and proofread better and simply do more in general. Also, I'm looking for a beta or proof reader for this very story to catch any typos or OOC behavior to be edited. Anyone interested? Please contact me via PM if the answer is yes.
Chapter Five brings with it a speech, a battle, and the unexpected appearance of new characters!
hoenn reborn
(the remakes that R/S/E deserved)
/ Chapter Five /
"so i herd u batle PKMN TRAINERZ?"
Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 11 AM; three days later
It had taken a few days, but finally Hazel had conceded that Birch had a point. There was no use waiting for her parents to get enough money to move back just so that she could attend college. And besides, sixteen was a good age to start out as a trainer. Ten was the minimum age to apply for a trainer's license, but most applicants below fourteen were rejected unless they came from a 'trainer background' (basically meaning that two or more of their close relatives were trainers with a license of Rank Two or above) or were able to provide proof that they had passed all the required tests to be a trainer - basically meaning that anyone below fourteeen with an official trainer's license was either blue-blooded (so to speak) or a prodigy. Sixteen was the recommended age to begin training, according to the governments of most Trainer Nations. They were old enough to pursue training as either a hobby or a career, mature enough to be competent trainers, and young enough to learn the necessary skills.
The money was another point the professor had made, and it was relevant. Hazel had no allowance - Norman had been willing to pay for most of the stuff she wanted - rendering her effectively penniless. And, being a rebellious teenager and all that, she wanted independence of finance, freedom to earn, whatever you want to call it. She also doubted Norman would be able to pay for college in time for her to seek admission from one. And time. She had to find some way of killing time while Norman earned enough to repay his taxes. If she wanted to make enough money to go to college all by herself, she would probably need a good six months or so, at the very least.
In the end, Hazel had marched up to Angie and said, "I want to go on the League circuit."
Once Angie and Norman were convinced she was serious, there had been the matter of her getting a Pokemon. Norman was about to suggest Hazel get a Zigzagoon - which she wouldn't mind, considering her other option - when, by a twist of fate, Professor Birch popped in to ask if Hazel wanted 'her Mudkip' back yet. This of course led to Norman and Angie siding with Birch - the former enthusiastically ranted on and on about how rare Mudkip were, and how lucky Hazel would be to get one.
So it was that Hazel Ruby now found herself in Birch's office yet again. This time, the office was slightly cleaner due to the absence of coffee cups and moth-eaten beanbags strewn on the floor. Rikuya slouched on Birch's chair, toying with a large white knit hat with fascinatingly large, pointy bits sticking out of the top. Hazel presumed that if he wore it, he'd look like he had long, spiky white hair.
"Hazel!" the man himself cried, leaning against his desk with a broad grin, looking as though he hadn't just ruined her journey right at the start. "Welcome to the world of - er, no. Wrong speech. Hang on." Birch looked through a few loose sheets on his desk until he found one. "Ah, yes. It must be this one."
Clearing his throat, the professor began, speaking loudly as though he was addressing a huge auditorium packed to the rafters rather than a small room with two teenagers in it. "Hazel! I've heard so much about you from your father!" He paused for dramatic effect, continuing after a second. "I've heard that you don't have your own Pokemon yet. But the way you battled earlier! You pulled it off with such aplomb!" His beam was that of a man proud to have used the word 'aplomb', despite not having the remotest idea what it meant.
"I guess you have your father's blood in your veins, after all!" Birch continued, his tone now honeyed with layers of admiration oozing off his tongue like grease from a MacHiavelly's cheeseburger. "So, as thanks for rescuing me and as a Pokemon to begin your journey with, ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... Doug!"
Birch presented Hazel with a PokeBall, which she grudgingly took. As she stuffed it into her pocket, he exclaimed, "I have an idea! While you're at it, why not give Mudkip a nickname?"
"Uh, doesn't it have one already?" Hazel pointed out. "You just called him Doug."
"Don't question this," Birch said. "It's a ritual for trainers to nickname their starters."
"No, it's not."
"All right." Birch sighed. "He doesn't like the name 'Doug'," he explained. "He won't respond to any commands given if you call him that. You can call him ‘Mudkip’ if you like, but that'll confuse the hell out of you if you battle another trainer with a Mudkip."
"Um, OK," Hazel muttered. After a second of thought, she pulled Mudkip's PokeBall back out and hit the switch, releasing the antisocial amphibian. "Hey, Mudkip," she said. "How'd you like to be renamed Finn instead?"
Mudkip - formerly Doug - considered its new name and shrugged.
"Well, he didn't give the finger," Hazel stated. "So I guess he's OK with it." At this, the newly rechristened Finn twitched its Mohawk-like fin at Hazel. "Hey, no attitude from you," she growled. "Or I rename you ... Zuzu!" She looked on in triumph as Finn flinched at the idea of his 'torture name'. Rikuya, who had been watching Mudkip from the start, snickered.
"Actually," Birch commented, "you can't legally rename a Pokemon unless you do the necessary legal formalities on the League's website."
Finn grinned, but Hazel said, "Yeah, like that's gonna stop me from calling him Zuzu anyway." Rikuya laughed again at this, causing Finn to glare at him. The Mudkip ran up to Rikuya and glomped down on his ankle with surprising strength for a small and quite weak Pokemon. Rikuya winced, screwing up his face into an expression of anger and pain, and reached down, yanking away Finn. The two glared angrily at each other. Rikuya dug into his bag, retrieving a single card from his deck, which he then presented to Hazel.
"'PKMN TRAINER RIKUYA would like to battle!'" Hazel read. "Titling yourself with Pokemon Trainer, using all caps, writing only the consonants of 'Pokemon', and then alternating even those letters between subscript and superscript ... I have no words to describe the extent of your lameness."
Rikuya simply shrugged, jamming down the white hat on his head, and retrieved a PokeBall from his backpack - at this, Birch intervened. "Hey, kids," he said, sounding a little alarmed. "Take it outside, alright? I have important research in here!"
I bet you do, thought Hazel, seeing him reach sneakily for the TV remote. She grabbed a decidedly battle-ready Finn in her arms (Note to self, she thought drily, buy leash for the Mudkip) and walked away.
The teens found that the lawn just outside the lab could serve as a perfectly serviceable arena for their battle, so Hazel let Finn loose, and the Mudkip sprang onto the grass, looking around warily. Rikuya hit the switch on his PokeBall, and, in a burst of light -
"Holy mother of - what the hell is that?!"
'That' was a green reptile, its face a short snout over which hovered two lemon-yellow eyes, beady and distrustful. It hopped from one three-toed leg to another. A large green tail, split into two halves that curled at the end, stood stiffly at its back, and its underside and throat were light red. The bipedal lizard's snout curved into a smirk as it observed its target. Rikuya produced a card from his pocket and lifted it up to reveal a few words printed in a large bold font: GEKO THE TREECKO.
"Imaginative, aren't we?" Hazel snarked, imagining what Rikuya would say if he could speak. Hazel, meet Geko, he'd say loftily. Geko, Hazel. And then, Oh, and Finn. Mustn't forget Finn.
Hazel snapped out of her daydream on hearing a startled cry of "Kii-ip!" Geko had vanished into the taller shrubs at the far end of the lawn, and had suddenly darted out to catch Finn on the side with a punch before slipping back into the shrubbery.
"Finn, use ... uh, Tackle!" Hazel commanded. Finn lowered his head and charged, but Geko - who was much more agile - had already evaded the attack, leaping nimbly out of the way. "Keep using Tackle!"
It didn't seem to be working. Every attack Finn used, Geko dodged, even managing to counterattack with a punch a few times. How does he do it?, Hazel wondered, as the Treecko disappeared back into the shrubbery after Finn had uttered yet another defeated groan. He's not even verbally commanding him. It's like ... the bond between them is so strong, they don't even need words to express it ...
Wait, what am I thinking? Hazel mentally slapped herself, watching Finn barely avoid one of the reptile's faster attacks. It's definitely not something that sappy, or Treecko would already have evolved - if he even can. Dammit, I know nothing about these Hoenn Pokemon!
Suddenly, Geko slipped out from behind Finn, landing a punch that actually caused the Mudkip to stumble and fall over backwards. Hazel had seen enough battles on TV to know that Geko had landed a surprise attack more powerful than normal, boosted by a surge of adrenaline - a critical hit. Finn keeled over, exhausted. The battle was over. She'd lost.
a ship just off the coast of Lilycove ~ 11:10 AM
"'There is very little one can say on the subject of pirates that has not already been said. It can also be said that there is very little one can say on the subject of pirates that has not already been said and proved wrong. Understandably, any reader observing the preceding sentence would experience considerable befuddlement, especially as' -"
The pirate looked up from his book. "What in the name of Neptune is this sh*t?"
"Dunno," said his bulky companion, shrugging. "The boss made it kim - kump - 'impulsory readin', 'e said."
The pirate sighed and threw The Esteem'd Almanack of Maritime Marauding at the other man, who caught it. "The depths we've sunk to, Matt," he said sadly. "The depths -"
The brooding of the two pirates was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a tall, dark stranger at the door of the cabin. Flinching as though he'd been slapped, the first pirate jumped to his feet, kicking away the chair he'd been sitting on, while Matt saluted the stranger.
"Er, hello, boss," the first man stuttered. "We - we were j-just reading -"
"I do not," said the stranger, "want your foolish explanations. I want to know why we are still here and have not already disembarked." His tone was bored and his accent exotic, each word a soft hiss.
"Diss-what?" Matt's face was blank, and he looked more like a bodybuilder counting money than a pirate.
"Disembarked," the stranger snarled. "Dis. Em. Barked."
"This who barked?"
At this, the stranger gave up, bemoaning his fate, and snapped, "Why haven't we left?"
"We're waiting on two more of the crew, boss," said the first pirate.
"Why aren't they here yet?" hissed the stranger angrily. "We should have raised anchor half an hour ago!"
"I think," Matt said slowly - thinking was not one of his strong points, "that those be 'em comin' up there."
The boss let out a long, sibilant breath in the manner of one who has finally received that puppy he always wanted for Christmas, and stalked away, no doubt to rebuke the latecomers. If this had been the opening scene of a movie - the fact remains that it is not the opening scene of a movie, however, and so these following lines are unnecessary. But all the same, if this was a movie, at this point the camera would have followed the boss out of the dark, cramped cabin, leading into the bright sunlight over the open seas. The camera would spiral around the boss, revealing that the black formal jacket he wore was indeed an Armani, that he kept the buttons open purposely so as to reveal muscular and slightly hairy pectorals and that he wore a small pendant around his neck, one with a small charm in a stylised shape - a charm made out of real Corsola bone.
It would continue spiralling around him, zooming out as it did to reveal that he stood on the deck of a magnificent modern-day recreation of a double-decked, triple-masted sixteenth-century galleon, with a stainless steel hull, canvas sails and fifty menacing guns, with the deck teeming with a crew of fifty or so men - and a handful of women as well - all dressed in black-and-white striped shirts and blue pants, with blue cloths tied around their heads. As the camera spiralled up, it would zoom in on a crewman at the crow's nest, revealing a strange mark on the cloth he wore on his head. It would pan around his spyglass and reveal that above him flew a black flag, one on which was emblazoned the very same strange mark: the same shape that was worn as a pendant around the tall, dark stranger's neck. A circle with a spike on the top of it, and two small protrusions emerging diagonally from the bottom right and left sides of the circle. It was a capital letter 'A', but reminiscent of a skull-and-crossbones insignia - the modern-day Jolly Roger.
It was the Pirate's Brand, and it was borne by a ship of pirates; it was the flag of the Black Lady Aqua.
One glaring change has been made. Remember the 'present day' tacked on to the end of the location- and time-stamps? It's gone, because, frankly, it didn't make any sense whatsoever. I considered using a specific date instead, but that'd mean going back and changing everything. So my infinitely simpler solution is to simply omit that bit. If a certain scene takes place a few days after or before 'today', I'll let you know. MacHiavelly's, in case you didn't figure it out, is a parody of MacDonald's and plays on the name of Niccolo Machiavelli, a prominent figure in Italian history (and Assassin's Creed II). I know nothing whatsoever about sailing and shipbuilding, so those of you who do, please forgive me for any errors I may have made in the ship sequence, slight or grave. For those who caught the reference in the desciription of the ship, well done! And finally, for those who don't get it, Zuzu is the name of Ruby's Swampert in the Pokemon Special manga. Who in their right mind would name a giant blue kick-*** I-don't-even-know-what-it-is Zuzu of all things?
Anyways, This story is funny and great. I can see why people loved it a lot.
I have to say one thing. Rikuya's hat looks quite weird. I think it would be funny if people thinks that Rikuya is a hippy or some guy-with-an-odd-white-thingy-on-his-head.
I imagine an old person would say 'Kids these days and their hippy dippy things on their heads, and their unimaginative named Treeko!' if they saw Rikuya.
But, I leave it out to you. I hope you don't find this offensive. And I hope that I didn't offend any hipsters around here.
Oh that demented Weedle... The trouble it caused...
Anyway, sorry for the wait but you have added more brilliant chapters! I especially liked the character you built for Birch and Doug... Sorry Finn. I also liked the battle, albeit the short one- but hey these are weak pokemon ad that was a critical hit. Sadly, i'm short of time and will be for some time so i will do some more deep responding later, but not for a while. Good chapters, keep it up!
Like infernape100, I'm sorry for the long wait! And now that I'm here...
...I have literally nothing to comment about! This was as good as the others, from Rikuya and Geko totally stomping Hazel and Finn (cool nickname, by the way) to the introduction of the Black Lady Aqua (man, how do those crew members function? O.O)
Oh, wait! One curiosity!
The Mudkip ran up to Rikuya and glomped down on his ankle with surprising strength for a small and quite weak Pokemon.
I dunno, but the word glomped does seem a bit out of place to me. How was the Mudkip able to full-out body hug Rikuya's ankle so hard that it hurt? Unless the Mudkip's jaws did the glomping? In which case, I'm glad Finn isn't a Totodile. Rikuya wouldn't be able to walk away from that...
I have to say one thing. Rikuya's hat looks quite weird. I think it would be funny if people thinks that Rikuya is a hippy or some guy-with-an-odd-white-thingy-on-his-head.
I imagine an old person would say 'Kids these days and their hippy dippy things on their heads, and their unimaginative named Treeko!' if they saw Rikuya.
The first couple of low-level battles are always hard to Tackle. Sorry, couldn't resist that bad pun XD later battles, though, they'll be more tense than this one ...
This was as good as the others, from Rikuya and Geko totally stomping Hazel and Finn (cool nickname, by the way) to the introduction of the Black Lady Aqua (man, how do those crew members function? O.O)
Finn was the first nickname I thought of, and it took awhile. Geko took even more time. Originally, I thought about Salazar (a Harry Potter reference), but that didn't sound right for a Treecko ...
I dunno, but the word glomped does seem a bit out of place to me. How was the Mudkip able to full-out body hug Rikuya's ankle so hard that it hurt? Unless the Mudkip's jaws did the glomping? In which case, I'm glad Finn isn't a Totodile. Rikuya wouldn't be able to walk away from that...
Damn, my bad. I thought glomped always meant jaw-type-glomping. Doesn't help that it sounds like 'chomp'. And yeah, Finn was so pissed he decided to snack on some Rikuya legs XD if he was a Totodile, Rikuya probably wouldn't be able to walk away from anything.
My updates are, unfortunately, going to get a little less frequent from now on. I'm back in school, so I've got stuff to do, and my new resolution to treadmill a couple of kilometres every day eats up a little more time. But, oh well, life sucks sometimes.
Sorry for the double post, but I felt the need to mention two things.
One: I have not given up on this story. Rather, I went through writer's block, but I am glad to say I have gotten over it now. Chapter 6 is complete and will arrive Saturday at the latest.
Two: The rating has been updated. It's still PG-13, but I've added 'semi-frequent strong swearing' to the content list, because I decided to throw a new character into the mix who requires this warning to be added. Any chapters that contain strong language will come with a warning.
Again, I apologise for such a long break, but I was busy with school and the like. Now I have my summer vacation, and so, I'll be able to write more often. Hopefully, Chapter 7 should be out sometime next week. Here it is, the one you've all been waiting for!
Chapter 6 brings with it a puppy, a blob, and a worm!
WARNING: Contains two instances of strong swearing.
Note: Some formatting errors (such as spaces mysteriously appearing at the beginning of some paragraphs) appeared when I c+ped the chapter from Google Drive to Serebii, so please point it out in a reply if you find any such errors.
hoenn reborn
(the remakes that R/S/E deserved)
/ Chapter Six /
"Random Encounters of the Pokemon Kind"
Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 11:30 AM
“Hazel!” the voice of Professor Birch drifted down to the two teenagers from the raised window of his office. “OK, kids, come back right up. I’ve got something for you.”
In a few minutes, the two had returned to his office. Birch had set down a small red device on the desk. He picked it up and handed it to Hazel. She examined it, finding it like a small tablet in appearance. It had a joystick, four buttons, and a directional pad.
“This,” Birch said, pointing to the device, “is a Pokemon Index, an electronic encyclopaedia. It stores data on Pokemon on the PokeDex Project servers. When you encounter a Pokemon, you can use the PokeDex to access the cloud and download the information for future use.”
“I know these,” Hazel said. “Professor Oak invented them, right?”
Birch winced. “Yes, he did, but the design and software is now open-source, so the PokeDex project has gone international since then, with his approval. Anyway, we give them out to trainers who seem especially dedicated and promising. Here: this one is for you.” He handed it over to Hazel, and she felt around until she found a small on/off button. Pressing it caused the screen to light up and present an interface not unlike a proper tablet’s. A login screen appeared, giving her two options: ‘new trainer’ or ‘registered trainer’.
“It’s a touchscreen device as well,” explained Birch, “so touch the option you want and press a button. Anything should do.
Hazel selected ‘new trainer’ and pressed a button. A form loaded on screen, asking her to enter information, causing her to sigh. “Do I have to fill this out now?”
“Actually, you can do it at a Pokemon Centre in a town or city if you prefer. The advantage to that is you can get your trainer card in a day instead of waiting forever for the League to mail it to you,” Birch answered.
“OK, so when can I start?” Hazel asked impatiently.
“Right away,” Birch said. “Head over to Oldale Town to register yourself as a Pokemon Trainer, and then you’re all set to start your journey!”
Hazel walked out. As she exited the lab, Rikuya tapped her shoulder. She turned, noticing he was now wearing the white knit cap - it covered his head and made him look like he had spiky white hair. Rikuya handed her a backpack and a card, which read: 'A new journey’s dawn / And here is a gift for you / So do you like it?’
Hazel examined the backpack, finding that it contained five empty PokeBalls, a wallet (also empty) and a MagnetLock PokeBelt™ (‘for quick-access to your balls, anytime!’). She looked up to find his expectant gaze.
“Thanks,” she said. “But I’m not big on bad haiku - oh, you mean the PokeBalls? Oh, thanks, they’re cool.”
Rikuya facepalmed.
“Anyway,” Hazel continued. “I was wondering if maybe you’d, uh, help me out a bit here?”
He nodded, curious.
“Yeah, I’m gonna be on my way to Oldale now, and, uh, you seem like a really good trainer. So, could you, like, uh, teach me the basics? Like, how to catch Pokemon, and stuff?” The brunette’s tone was a little embarrassed - the sound of teenage pride being slowly punctured.
Rikuya looked slightly disappointed, but nodded anyway. He led her out to the backyard and climbed over the fence and onto a small path, where he waited for her to join him. From there, they trekked along for awhile in the suburbs until they reached a small ledge. Rikuya clambered over and led Hazel down. The two stood in the shaded woods, waiting for a wild Pokemon to come along. They were generally found in the tall grass - the kind they were currently in front of - but sometimes, it could take awhile before anything showed up.
Hazel could imagine Rikuya’s tone if he was speaking. The key to every aspect of training, he’d say - delivering three-time World Champion Greyson Ashley’s famous speech on winning his second World Cup - is patience. You need patience to wait for the right Pokemon to come along. You need patience to time the throw of the PokeBall just right. You need patience to train it to its full potential. You need patience in battle to identify your opponent’s weaknesses. And, last and most importantly - you need patience to listen to this speech. No, seriously. It’s freakin’ long.
At that very moment, a small black and grey puppy tumbled out of the long grass. Immediately, it rolled to its feet, raised its hackles and snarled. In one swift, fluid movement, Rikuya reached for his PokeBall and hit the switch as he extended his arm, causing an elegant flow of light. The beam shaped itself into the familiar form of Geko the Treecko, who dropped into a low, sneaky-looking fighting stance as he materialised.
Hazel took out her PokeDex and turned it on. She found an option that said ‘SCAN’ - on touching it, a 3D model of the very same puppy appeared besides its PokeDex entry page.
“Poochyena, the Bite Pokemon,” the PokeDex read in a mechanical female tone. “Known for being savage and tenacious, it will chase after anything it considers prey. It is omnivorous, and its species is named for its innate characteristic to bite anything that moves.”
Meanwhile, the battle was already in full swing. The Poochyena charged straight into Geko, who slipped out of the way and struck Poochyena from behind. The puppy snapped at Geko, charging again, but the nimble lizard avoided the attack once more. As though he’d finally decided to take the battle seriously, the Treecko suddenly launched a relentless combination of attacking, dodging, and counter-attacking. The way Geko moved seemed to match a rhythm. Every time he slipped just outside Poochyena’s reach, his body flowed aside, rather than simply moving out of the way. Even his punches were graceful, as though he was a ballet dancer turned world boxing champion.
Now Hazel understood why Rikuya didn’t need to command Geko. The Treecko moved with its foe, obeying Newton’s Third Law perfectly by matching strike for counter, breaking Poochyena’s defence effortlessly. Even as she looked on, Geko evaded Poochyena’s wild charge and swept its hind leg out from right under it. He followed it up with a punch to the side of the face, timed so as to send the puppy reeling, but carefully controlled in order to keep Poochyena just within his reach.
Geko executed an uppercut, striking Poochyena’s throat. His opponent whined from the sudden brutality of the move, stumbling, and suddenly there was a PokeBall flying through the air. It sucked the exhausted canine into it, causing an abrupt silence to replace the growls and whines. The PokeBall dropped to the ground, wobbling. Hazel could imagine Poochyena inside, slamming the non-existent doors of its otherworldly prison. It quivered for a few more seconds before clicking, signifying a successful capture.
Rikuya walked over and picked up the PokeBall. He then proceeded to brandish a card at Hazel (he must have written it during the fight). It read: ‘And that’s how you catch a wild Pokemon! Any questions?’
“Nope,” Hazel said. “Oh, wait, I got one. Which way is Oldale Town?”
Hoenn International Airport, Mossdeep City, Hoenn
The Man in Black and the Woman in White strode out of the airport, ignoring the stares their odd attire drew from others. They walked to the parking lot, where a small white Volkswagen (keeping in with the monochrome theme) awaited them. Inside sat a driver, as expected.
What they did not expect was for him to be a Pokemon.
What they expected even less was for him to be a talking Pokemon.
“‘Allo there, mate,” said the large purple blob on the front seat in what sounded like a thick Australian accent. As they watched, stupefied, he - or maybe she, or, the most likely option, it - grew slightly larger in size, until it seemed to widen into a more humanoid shape. It looked like a large misshapen lump of molten purple wax, with two indented pinpricks for eyes and a vaguely curved gash below that caused its features to resemble a popular Internet emoticon, the ‘smiley’. The odd Pokemon extended an arm to its ‘head’ and bowed, giving the impression that it had just removed a non-existent top hat. “I’m Rudi, an’ I will be your shoffer for the duration of your stay.”
“First of all, it’s not ‘shoffer’, it’s ‘chauffeur’,” said the Man in Black, when he had regained his ability of speech. “Second, what kind of name is Rudi? And third, why the hell is our driver a Ditto?”
The Ditto’s face twisted, its eyes forming sideways V-shapes and its mouth curling into a small circle, conveying a sense of annoyance. “First of all, I did say ‘shoffer’. Not ‘chauffeur’. Same thing. Second, it wasn’t my f*ckin’ decision, a’right? And third, why not?”
“First of all -” The Man in Black’s reply suddenly ground to a halt as he realised something incredible. “Wait. You’re talking.”
The Ditto’s offended face remained. “Well, of course I’m f*ckin’ talkin’. I’m a Ditto, aren’t I?”
“That doesn’t explain why you’re talking,” the Man replied. He turned to his companion. “And why aren’t you saying anything?!”
The Woman, mildly amused at this exchange, let out a giggle. “Well, I was the one who asked for him, wasn’t I?” She walked over by the Ditto. “Meet Rudi Irving Washington, one of our best Pokemon agents in the field. He’s been an invaluable asset to us since we obtained him from the Goldenrod Day-Care Centre in 2009.”
“He’s four years old!” spluttered the Man, now having a fit of apoplexy.
“In Ditto years, tha’s nearly twenty-four,” Rudi said helpfully. “Look on the bright side, mate; I’ll only be alive for anothah four years. Oh, wait. Tha’s not the bright side.” His face now formed a ‘D:’ emoticon.
“Now you’ve made him sad,” the Woman said, her tone irritated. “We can’t have a sad Ditto for a driver.”
“We can’t have a Ditto for a driver, period!” exclaimed her male counterpart.
Rudi made the annoyed face again. “‘Course you can. Just watch, mate.” And with that, he began to morph. It was not pretty to watch: his ‘eyes’ melted away and his entire body contorted. His entire body inflated like a giant swollen bruise, and the purple colour swirled away like paint on water. Protrusions extended from his body, bursting out like tentacles. Slowly but surely, he was transforming into a man.
Route 101, Hoenn ~ 12 PM
“Alright, Finn,” said Hazel, a little unsure. “C’mon out.”
The Mudkip burst out in front of her, glaring at its opponent. The small red worm glared back, its tiny eyes determined. The small spines down its side quivered a little in the breeze, and the two large yellow stingers at its tail stood erect, as did the one on its head. Behind it stood a boy around twelve years old, wearing a blue shirt and a hat. For some reason, he wielded a butterfly net as well.
“Finn, this is Calvin,” Hazel explained, “and that’s his worm.”
“Wurmple,” Calvin corrected.
“Whatever. So, Calvin wants to have a practice Pokemon battle for when he gets his training license.”
“I sent my form in for the third time yesterday!” shouted the child enthusiastically. “They’re going to accept it! You’ll see!”
Hazel rolled her eyes. “Riiight. Let’s just get this battle started already.”
“OK!” Calvin said brightly. “Wurmple, start with String Shot!” The insect fired a line of silk from the stinger, and the string slid over the ground with a wet splat.
Alright, that’s probably going to slow Finn down a bit, Hazel reasoned. It’s too sticky to go for a direct attack, so I’ll begin with a special move.
“Hey!” complained her opponent. “This is battling, not chess! Wurmple, Tackle!”
“Aw, c’mon,” Hazel grumbled, turning her attention back to the fight. Wurmple scurried over to Finn and bashed its little body against the amphibian, who seemed relatively unhurt. “Right then, Finn, use Growl. That should scare it off for a bit.”
The Mudkip chittered in a guttural tone that reminded Hazel of a certain platypus, causing Wurmple to back away nervously. Satisfied, Hazel ordered, “Great, now wait for -”
Finn ignored her, charging instantly. He slammed sideways into Wurmple, and the bug let out an odd, pained noise as it was hit. Relentless, Finn continued assaulting his opponent with Tackle. Hazel contrasted the Mudkip’s battle style with that of Rikuya’s Treecko. Geko was careful and delicate, battling like a dancer, whereas Finn was all brute strength. He took every advantage he found, foregoing timing and precision in favour of raw power. It took exactly three Tackles to knock out Wurmple.
Calvin stared, a little disbelieving. “You knocked Wurmple out ...” he whispered.
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t exactly the Terminator we were up against,” Hazel pointed out drily.
“MOMMY! SHE MADE ME LOSE!” Calvin burst into tears.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Hazel held out her hand. “Fork over the dirt, kid.”
“... What?” The preteen sniffled, looking up at Hazel.
“Eighth Amendment to the Constitution of Hoenn. Just because I’m not from around here doesn’t mean I’m stupid. ‘As per the new laws of battling’,” Hazel recited, “‘in case one party experiences loss or forfeiture, the other party is legally entitled to ask for a sum of money in case they carry a PokeDex that can calculate the correct sum based on Bernhard’s Equation’ -”
“OK, OK!” whined Calvin. “I’ll pay you. Here!” He handed her a couple of dollar bills, which she proceeded to stash in her new wallet.
“Well, that was fun,” Hazel commented, walking away from the still-sobbing child and back onto the path that lead to Oldale Town. “But you know, you really should obey my commands in battle, Zuzu.”
Finn made an annoyed sound.
On the 20th of March, 2003, Pokemon was changed forever and (arguably) for the better. Happy 10th anniversary to Ruby and Sapphire Versions! Without you two (and Emerald as well), there would be no Hoenn to be reborn!
Most PokeDexes are based off Nintendo handhelds (the exception being the fifth generation games’), so the redesigned Hoenn PokeDex is based on a Wii U controller.
The bad haiku was written by me; I’ve had no experience whatsoever with writing haikus, so, yeah, that sucks.
If you’ve seen Sherlock Holmes (the Robert Downey Jr movie), the Geko vs Poochyena scene is totally like the fight scenes in that one. That scene was easily my favourite in the whole chapter.
Many thanks to the following for proofreading this chapter for me:
-Brutaka
-ChaosCaptain
-Kutie Pie
-Knightfall
-SilentMemento
-Shadow Lucario 50
Aside from cracking a rib or two, the word to is needed in between the bolded ones in the quote. The haiku wasn't bad too, for a start. I've heard they're meant to follow a theme as well as the metre (like spring, deserts, stuff like that)
2, When describing Rudi's facial expressions, I'd normally advise against using smilies or emoticons. Instead of , you could have said 'happy face'. When it frowned, you could describe its mouth becoming a pout and it squinting its eyes. And when gobsmacked, you could mention its jaw dropping. It's... easier on the eyes that way.
3, I dunno but Is Hazel kinda muddled up about her Mudkip? First, she calls it Finn, and at the end of the chapter, Zuzu. Was she just trying to tick her Pokemon off? If so, smart move, Hazel. You and the Man in Black would get along famously.
To wrap things up, I'd like to quote a few funny quotes:
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t exactly the Terminator we were up against,” Hazel pointed out drily.
Nah, it was just one of its 'bugs'...
“MOMMY! SHE MADE ME LOSE!” Calvin burst into tears.
I know it's mean, but I laughed a lot here. Maybe this maturity (or lack thereof) is why he's not a Trainer yet...
Great chapter, lots of fun! And chin up, Rikuya! Your ban will be over soon and you can ask Hazel out (if you must)...
Well, mine didn't follow any particular theme. I just put it there for some random reason.
2, When describing Rudi's facial expressions, I'd normally advise against using smilies or emoticons. Instead of , you could have said 'happy face'. When it frowned, you could describe its mouth becoming a pout and it squinting its eyes. And when gobsmacked, you could mention its jaw dropping. It's... easier on the eyes that way.
Actually, Rudi's face doesn't become a happy face, it morphs into the smiley face. It's not just any happy face, it's that one in particular. Same goes for all other expressions. Either way, I'll keep that in mind for next time
3, I dunno but Is Hazel kinda muddled up about her Mudkip? First, she calls it Finn, and at the end of the chapter, Zuzu. Was she just trying to tick her Pokemon off? If so, smart move, Hazel. You and the Man in Black would get along famously.
"Hey, Mudkip," she said. "How'd you like to be renamed Finn instead?"
Mudkip - formerly Doug - considered its new name and shrugged.
"Well, he didn't give the finger," Hazel stated. "So I guess he's OK with it." At this, the newly rechristened Finn twitched its Mohawk-like fin at Hazel. "Hey, no attitude from you," she growled. "Or I rename you ... Zuzu!" She looked on in triumph as Finn flinched at the idea of his 'torture name'.
Thanks! And you're actually wrong there, he won't be speaking for a while XD
Anyway, Chapter 7 most likely won't be coming next week, unfortunately, because - in light of the recent Boston Marathon bombings - it contains some material that some may find insensitive. Sorry guys, but you'll have to wait for a while. Until then, you can go over on my FanFiction.Net profile and look at my Dishonored fic
I'm pretty partial to fics which go through a game plot with their own flavour/humour/etc. I wonder why... :V
Overall I am enjoying this story thus far. There's some interesting premises used (like the oft-mentioned-in-reviews part about the tax evasion deal, along with seriously menacing agents in monochrome clothing. I think the idea of having the rival not speak due to taking a vow of silence is a pretty neat concept and it seems fun to write about, haha. (And a sort of reversal in that the games had a silent protagonist and in RSE a fairly vocal rival, hum). Characterisation is certainly a strong suit of yours ,along with character interactions between each other.
One part I particularly liked was your description of battle with Rikuya's Treecko. It feels like a pretty accurate description of fighting what with the staying just out of reach style, and you gave a good sense of it as well in the atmosphere too, so kudos there. There's a fair bit of potential here, so consider me a fan. =)
And Zuzu is an amusing name as well. Poor mudkip.
Also bonus points for doing a reasonable job with the explanation/usage of the whole 'protagonist wakes up in the back of a moving truck (or van)' deal when the game starts. Because that was just silly of the game (although let's face it, a) it's Pokemon and b) RSE is no exception to silly moments).
A few notes from various chapters:
the Hoenn region ~ 4:00 PM; four days after present day
When you did this it seemed odd to me to have it uncapitalised - I assume it is a stylistic choice but it doesn't really seem to achieve any purpose. And in the last chapter you didn't do it either, so I'd suggest changing these instances here for sake of consistency as well (although maybe it was just due to the time/location titles being places...).
Sighing, she quickly shut down the computer and put it back in the box, hoping that nobody would notice the tape (which looked as though a Meowth with particularly long claws had found a lack of tree bark and decided to trim them on cardboard).
This seems a bit wordy an analogy to myself; it might be better here to split into two sentences and hence reword without the need to put the analogy into brackets?
Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 3:30 PM; present day
Hazel sighed, crossing her arms. "OK, let's try this again: let me through."
Probably could do with an extra line of spacing here. Minor but a presentation thing in the end!
On walking into her new neighbour's room, Hazel realised that the Birches' son's room was exactly the same as hers, but it sported a sleek, black Xbox 360S rather than a GameCube,
Blasphemy! This can't be a Nintendo game - it's a trap!!!
Although I like seeing explanations for things like your spin on Poke balls (especially ones that involve Hammerspace), but when you gave it I felt it slowed - or rather - stopped the story completely for the few paragraphs it appeared in, and it seemed a bit odd to also introduce it with telling us Hazel knew a thing or two about it. Doing that suggests it was her pondering these things, and given it is likely a mundane object for anyone in the modern Pokemon world like her (like say a laptop of calculator for is), it seems odd that suddenly there's an explanation on how it works being thought here. In other words - the explanation is neat, but the delivery felt a touch off to me.
He grabbed a backpack from off the floor and, to Hazel's surprise, he fit his whole arm upto his shoulder in it.
The clarification at the end there seemed a bit unnecessary and distraction - if it were a bow tie then it would have been referred to as such I believe, and it seems an odd point to make a point to clarify as such as well.
He had raised a window and was calling out from his office. “OK, kids, come back right up. I’ve got something for you.”
In a few minutes, the two had returned to his office. Birch had set down a small red device on the desk.
Here's a case of repetition I noticed. There's 'He had'/'the two had' twice and more so twice a mention of 'his office'. There's no need to mention the particular phrase again as it does, well, sound repetitive and it's already been established he was there too. Elimination of the unnecessary and all that.
The Treecko moved with its foe, obeying Newton’s Third Law perfectly, breaking Poochyena’s defence effortlessly.
I'm rather unsure of this. Can't say I see Newton's 3rd law - equal and opposite reactions - being shown to apply here when you mention 'the Treecko moved with its foe'. My one qualm with that fight scene.
It looked like a large misshapen lump of molten purple wax, with two indented pinpricks for eyes and a vaguely curved gash below that caused its features to resemble the popular Internet emoticon ‘ ’.
I don't mind using smileys in fics if used in this manner (ie for a joke, and not a lazy lolrandom kind either), but it doesn't work quite as well when the forum defaults it to the ugly yellow form (the smileys here are not that bad compared to others, just not very good either), and it jumps out well before I reached the line as well due to that - it just doesn't fit the text. I'd suggest when posting to tick the checkbox for 'Disable smileys in text' in the advanced posting mode to avoid that issue - imo, it looks better as the smiley, not . (Which for that matter is a pretty fine description for Ditto's facial expression as well, haha).
The bad haiku was written by me; I’ve had no experience whatsoever with writing haikus, so, yeah, that sucks.
Pac-Man face! And I am honoured you like this so much that you would review. You have the honour of being the first staff member to review one of my works. Ever.
There's some interesting premises used (like the oft-mentioned-in-reviews part about the tax evasion deal, along with seriously menacing agents in monochrome clothing. I think the idea of having the rival not speak due to taking a vow of silence is a pretty neat concept and it seems fun to write about, haha. (And a sort of reversal in that the games had a silent protagonist and in RSE a fairly vocal rival, hum). Characterisation is certainly a strong suit of yours ,along with character interactions between each other.
Also bonus points for doing a reasonable job with the explanation/usage of the whole 'protagonist wakes up in the back of a moving truck (or van)' deal when the game starts. Because that was just silly of the game (although let's face it, a) it's Pokemon and b) RSE is no exception to silly moments).
Heh, thank you. The idea of this is to parody the games as well as explain some of the more ridiculous things. Also, Rikuya and Hazel are in fact meant to be role-reversed. A clue lies in the names: Rikuya is a default name for the male protagonist, while hazel trees are part of the birch family. Subtle clues ftw!
One part I particularly liked was your description of battle with Rikuya's Treecko. It feels like a pretty accurate description of fighting what with the staying just out of reach style, and you gave a good sense of it as well in the atmosphere too, so kudos there. There's a fair bit of potential here, so consider me a fan. =)
I particularly enjoyed that part. In fact, I was searching for a way to spice up the early-game Tackle-Growl-Tackle-Pound battles, so I decided to do it this way, and show Hazel's analytical, quick-thinking style as well.
That name is a reference to PokeSpe, where Zuzu is the name of Ruby's Mudkip.
When you did this it seemed odd to me to have it uncapitalised - I assume it is a stylistic choice but it doesn't really seem to achieve any purpose. And in the last chapter you didn't do it either, so I'd suggest changing these instances here for sake of consistency as well (although maybe it was just due to the time/location titles being places...).
Well, 'the Hoenn region' isn't a full sentence on it's own, and that's why it isn't capitalised, but the 'four days after present day' bit isn't supposed to be there. Thanks for pointing that out.
This seems a bit wordy an analogy to myself; it might be better here to split into two sentences and hence reword without the need to put the analogy into brackets?
Heh, wanted to do something different for a change. Did you know the next-gen Xbox is to be announced sometime next month? *is totally not advertising Microsoft*
Although I like seeing explanations for things like your spin on Poke balls (especially ones that involve Hammerspace), but when you gave it I felt it slowed - or rather - stopped the story completely for the few paragraphs it appeared in, and it seemed a bit odd to also introduce it with telling us Hazel knew a thing or two about it. Doing that suggests it was her pondering these things, and given it is likely a mundane object for anyone in the modern Pokemon world like her (like say a laptop of calculator for is), it seems odd that suddenly there's an explanation on how it works being thought here. In other words - the explanation is neat, but the delivery felt a touch off to me.
The idea is, Hazel isn't very involved in the world of Pokemon training. Sure, her dad is a trainer, but she isn't interested. That's why she's so reluctant to accept Finn; that's how come she doesn't know what Machop evolves into. And that's why, when she sees a PokeBall, she recalls what she knows about it - which is surprisingly a lot. Refer back to earlier, where she pointed out how she wants to work with the storage system; she's passionate about what she wants to do. She knows a little bit about PokeBalls, because they're linked to what she does want to do.
The clarification at the end there seemed a bit unnecessary and distraction - if it were a bow tie then it would have been referred to as such I believe, and it seems an odd point to make a point to clarify as such as well.
You're right, it does seem a bit redundant. I'll lop that bit off.
Here's a case of repetition I noticed. There's 'He had'/'the two had' twice and more so twice a mention of 'his office'. There's no need to mention the particular phrase again as it does, well, sound repetitive and it's already been established he was there too. Elimination of the unnecessary and all that.
I'm rather unsure of this. Can't say I see Newton's 3rd law - equal and opposite reactions - being shown to apply here when you mention 'the Treecko moved with its foe'. My one qualm with that fight scene.
Whoops, that was actually misplaced. The analogy was meant to show that Geko moves out of reach whenever Poochyena attacks.
I don't mind using smileys in fics if used in this manner (ie for a joke, and not a lazy lolrandom kind either), but it doesn't work quite as well when the forum defaults it to the ugly yellow form (the smileys here are not that bad compared to others, just not very good either), and it jumps out well before I reached the line as well due to that - it just doesn't fit the text. I'd suggest when posting to tick the checkbox for 'Disable smileys in text' in the advanced posting mode to avoid that issue - imo, it looks better as the smiley, not . (Which for that matter is a pretty fine description for Ditto's facial expression as well, haha).
Thank you, and I'd love to see more reviews from you as well ^_^
UPDATE!!
HR is on Pokecommunity now! We've also had a new banner for a while, courtesy of Brutaka, and I've edited the first post, revamping the rating to fit in with the new rules.
