Hoenn Vs. Kanto

[DKzM0mA]

Herez the remake I promised, and also to new readers, this is my first fanfic ^.^
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Chapter 1: The Challenge
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It was a beautiful day in the region known as Kanto. The sun was shining, the Pidgey were chirping, and the Koffing were coughing. Prof. Oak was happily practicing his poetry, but unfortunately he was not getting any better at it. His assistant, Ron was polishing a nearby Squirtle’s shell. Prof. Oak was very excited today, because Prof. Birch from the Hoenn region was coming over so they could discuss the similarities of the two region’s starter pokemon.

"Ron, make sure that shell shines. I want the starter pokemon to be in perfect condition,” he said.

“Yes sir. I’ve watered Bulbasaur, let Charmander eat some coal to make its fire stronger, and I will make sure you can see yourself in Squirtle's shell,” Ron replied.

Prof. Oak then got up, and brushed some of the dirt on his lab coat off. Suddenly there was somebody at the door knocking. Quickly, Prof. Oak opened the door thinking it was his guest, but surprisingly it was a bunch of kids.

“Hi Prof. Oak, we’re here to get our first pokemon,” one of the kids said.

“Oh no! I forgot the kids were coming today to get their first pokemon and start their journeys!” Oak yelled out.

Then he spotted his guest walking towards the lab. He was accompanied by a boy who was dressed in blue baggy jeans, an orange shirt, with a baggy blue sweater/coat (sorry don’t know what it’s called) over it. He was a fairly tall boy, and had shining sapphire eyes.

“Okay look,” he said whispering to the kids. “I have to talk to that man about the starters, so you kids just wait a little bit,” he said inviting the guest in.

“Samuel, it has been a long time! How’re you doing?” the middle aged man wearing a lab coat asked.

“It’s nice to see you again! I’m doing fine, and who is this young man?” Oak replied.

“This is my son, Rick! He’s here because he always wanted to visit the Kanto region,” he explained.

They all walked in, while the kids waited. They were three kids there, two being boys and the last one being a girl. One of the boys was furious. This boy wore a red cap over his raven black hair, with red streaks in it. His red jacket was worn over his black t-shirt.

“I can’t believe this! I waited all my life to get my first pokemon, but then I have to wait more?!” the boy yelled.

“Calm down Jase, it’s probably only going to be for a minute…” another boy wearing a green shirt, with brown pants said.

“But…!” Jase said before being interrupted.

“Calm down, Jase…” the girl said. She wore a green sunhat, with long red hair, which she wore in a ponytail. She was sitting on a nearby rock with her hands on her pink skirt.

“No way Trish! I’m going in there right now and getting my pokemon!” Jase declared was he walked to the door. As he was about to turn the knob, but then suddenly the two professors barged out yelling at each other. Jase was totally trampled on.

“Look, when Charmander fully evolves it has a pure advantage over a Sceptile and Blaziken!” Oak yelled.

“But an electric attack could clearly defeat it!” Birch yelled back.

“Well a psychic type could murder Blaziken!” Oak scolded.

The kids just watched in the background with dumb expressions on their faces, watching the professors argue like children.

“Umm, sir, can we get our pokemon now?” Trish asked.

“Huh? Yeah, go knock yourselves out,” Oak said.

“Like a Pikachu creaming a Charizard!” Birch yelled out.

The two professors started arguing again. Just as Jase got up from being trampled, the other two trainers ran right over him, knocking him down once more.

Jase got up, and ran to the table where the pokeballs were. There was once left, and it had a little flame picture on it. It contained the fire pokemon, Charmander. Luckily, it was the pokemon Jase had wanted.

He and the other kids grabbed their pokeballs and dexes and left. When they exited the building it seemed that the boy who accompanied Birch had finally spoken up.

“The Kanto starters are pathetic. I can use any pokemon to defeat the whole set,” Rick claimed.

Suddenly Jase jumped in angrily. “Hell no you can’t!” he yelled.

“Who the hell are you?” Rick asked calmly.

“I'm superior when it comes to pokemon!” Jase answered.

“Oh, you want to fight about it?” Rick threatened.

“Bring it on blue boy!” Jase yelled.

Both boys raised their fists, but the professors stopped them. “Okay, we don’t need to resort to violence,” Oak said.

“What have I told you about picking fights Rick?” Birch asked.

Rick just ignored his father by turning his head and putting his hands in his sweater’s pocket. Jase was still fusing, but calmed down.

“So Jase, are you ready for your journey?” Oak asked.

“Yeah, I’m going to beat all the gym leaders and become the champion!” Jase boasted.

“Wait what year is it?” Birch asked as if he discovered something.

“You’re not thinking what I’m thinking are you?” Oak asked in the same tone.

“THAT’S IT!” they both yelled at the same time.

Both Rick and Jase looked confused.

“You two are going to enter the Intercontinental Championships (ICC) this year,” Birch declared.

“Huh…?” Jase asked totally confused. Rick was equally confused.

“The ICC is when trainers from the three regions of Kanto, Johto and Hoenn come together and battle it out to find out which region has the most powerful trainers,” Oak explained.

“It only happens once every ten years, and Hoenn has managed to win for the last three decades,” Birch bragged.

“Well, this year is different. Jase’s father was the Kanto champion for many years, without losing his title. I am confident that Jase will follow his father’s path and become the best!” Oak yelled.

“Damn right!” Jase agreed.

“Let’s make a little twist then…” Birch proposed.

“I’m listening…” Oak replied.

“How about we send the kids to opposite regions, and battle the gym leaders there?” Birch asked.

“You mean send Jase to Hoenn, Rick would stay here?” Oak asked.

“You bet,” Birch answered.

“Well, we can’t do that if the boys don’t want to,” Oak stated. “Jase, are you up for the challenge,” he asked.

“How about you Rick?” Birch asked.

Both the boys nodded agreeing to the terms.

“Now, Rick choose your starter,” Birch said handing him three pokeballs.

Rick stared at the pokeballs for a while, but then walked up to Jase.

“So newbie, what pokemon did you pick?” he asked.

“I picked charmander you ****ing newbie of an idiot! I’m damn hell gonna kill you!” he threatened trying to grab him but Oak held him back.

“Alright, dad I choose Torchic,” he said deciding.

It was on! Jase and Rick their good byes and Jase left with Prof. Birch towards the pier.

At the pier

“You have your own yacht?” Jase asked.

“Yep, that’s how I got here,” Birch answered.

“Jase looked back at his home one last time, and turned to leave but then-

“JASE!” someone called.

Jase looked back to see Trish running. The sun was setting and it was almost time to go.

Trish had finally made it panting from the run. “Jase are you really going?” she asked tearing up. “You promised me that we would travel together…”

“I know, but I have to do this…” Jase said.

“Every since we were kids, you said we would always travel together when we were older. I waited for that day, but now you’re leaving me?” she asked crying.

Jase was silent, and sad, but he had a different reason to go to Hoenn. She then hugged Jase. He was caught off guard by this. He could feel her tears seep into his shirt. He then pushed her off.

“I’m sorry…” Jase said.

She just looked at him with her tear filled orange eyes and ran away. Jase was about to chase her but-

“Jase let her go, we have to go,” Birch said.

Jase was hesitant, but he got on the boat and left towards the region of Hoenn.

SO IT WAS ON! THE ULTIMATE JOURNEY TO CONCLUDE WHICH REASON WAS GREATER THAN THE OTHER. WHICH REGION WILL COME OUT ON TOP? READ TO FIND OUT!
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There’s the re-write! Anyways, those who have read the future chapters, start the crazy guessing! Also thanks to Felix_the _Mutant_Pikachu for being a friendly neighbourhood spell checker.

 

[DKzM0mA]

Here’s the remake of the second chapter. Sorry it took so long, I thought I would’ve got my computer back on Friday, but didn’t get it till like Monday at like 6pm. Anywayz here’s the chapter.

Watch out for bloody scenes! PG-15(I think)
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Chapter 2: I will be the best
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Jase got off the boat. It was his first step in the land known as Hoenn. Birch parked up the yacht and got off as well.

“Wasn’t it sunset when we left? It looks like it’s the afternoon,” Jase asked.

“There’s a four to five hour difference between our regions. So we should be able to get to my place just before dark,” Birch explained.

“Alright,” Jase said as they began walking.

Later

“Wow, it’s getting dark, but we haven’t reached your house yet,” Jase stated.

“Don’t worry, it’s just over this hill,” Birch assured.

The two walked up the hill, getting very tired. Finally reaching the top, Jase saw a big house, with a huge backyard.

“That’s your house?!” Jase asked.

“Yep, it’s nice eh? Just renovated it,” Birch bragged.

“Cocky *******…” Jase muttered.

“Hey I smell dinner! Let’s hurry up!” Birch yelled starting to run down the hill.

“Hey, wait up!” Jase yelled, trying to catch up.

“You want to be a champion, but you can’t even keep up with a forty-seven-year-old man?” Birch mocked, still running.

“We’ll see old man!” Jase yelled, passing Birch.

“Oh yeah?!” Birch yelled, passing Jase.

“LET’S GO!” Jase yelled, but ran into a wall right then.

“Yep, you won…” Birch said, giggling.

Jase slowly got back up, and entered the house. It was larger than the average house. It seemed that Jase entered into the kitchen. It was a normal kitchen with the normal things you’d usually find, like a stove, microwave, fridge and a sink.

“Hello there,” a middle aged woman greeted. She was pretty for her age, wearing a green apron, over an orange dress. She had brown eyes, which matched her hair, and wore ruby earrings.

“Oh, hi,” Jase said unsure of who the woman was.

“This is my wife Mary,” Birch introduced. Jase put out his hand and both shook.

“The phone's here, so if you want to make a call, go ahead,” Birch said, pointing at the phone. Jase nodded and sat down, dialing the number as he did.

The screen blinked for a while, but then his mother appeared.

“Jase! How was the trip?” his mother asked.

“I’m good mom. I’ll be leaving tomorrow, so I’m staying at Professor Birch’s house for the night,” Jase explained.

“Oh, okay. Now be strong, and just think of your father whenever you’re in a tight spot! You’ll always be the champion to me. Now be careful!” she said, tearing up. “My little baby’s growing up…” and with that Jase quickly disconnected before tears welled up in his own eyes.

“I guess I should call Prof Oak too,” Jase said while dialing the number. Living in Pallet town all his life, Jase had learned the number of probably everyone in the town.

Jase dialed the numbers and waiting as the phone beeped. Soon after, Prof Oak appeared on the screen.

“Hey Professor Oak!” Jase greeted.

“Ah, hello there Jase! How was the trip over there?” Oak asked.

“It was fine. Birch sure has a bigger house than you. Wow…” Jase mocked.

Oak ignored the comment, and went deep into thought. Jase pondered at what he was thinking.

“Jase…you are sure that you want to go through this? Hoenn can be a dangerous place,” Oak said firmly.

Jase’s grin disappeared. “Of course I want to do this. I want to follow…” Jase didn’t finish his sentence. He stared at the floor. The old man knew what Jase was feeling.

“Well, if you are sure, then I won’t stop you. You’re just like him, truly hotheaded,” Oak teased. “Well, I guess I’ll be going. Good luck on your journey.”

“Wait one more thing!” Jase called out. Jase then kneeled in close to the screen. “Umm… how is Trish doing?” Jase whispered so that no one could hear.

“Trish? I believe she has set out for another region. She looked very mad when she left. She looked like she wanted to kill someone. Whoever it is, they’re probably going to die. You know Trish when she gets mad,” Oak pointed out.

Jase fell anime style, and got back up with a look of fear in his face.

“****! He’s right, she’d butcher someone if she was ****** off. She’s probably freaking coming to Hoenn to hunt me down. I can just imagine it now…"

Inside Jase's brain...

Jase walks down a path with his Charmander beside him.

“Oh Jase…”

Jase turns around to see Trish with a battleaxe in her hand. His eyes widen in horror as he watches her dissect Charmander with a demented smile on her face, blood flying everywhere.

She then hacks Jase’s arm off, and then puts it in a blender and let 'er rip...

Jase’s imagination scared even him. “God damnit, I’m going to die before I even get my first badge!” Jase thought.

“I believe she is headed for the region of Johto,” Oak then cleared up.

“Huh? Why Johto? Aren’t the leaders there weaker?” Jase asked, secretly sighing in relief in his mind.

“True, but Johto has more terrain,” Oak explained.

“But isn’t the Hoenn region the largest region?” Jase asked.

“When I mean ‘terrain’, I mean the distance between each city. The distance between Littleroot town to Oldale town is about a one day walk. But in Johto, reaching one city to the next could take maybe up to a week. Also Johto has the highest population of the three regions, which means more trainers,” Oak explained.

“So, with all those trainers out there, if she can beat them all then gym leaders would be like-

“Normal trainers,” Oak finished. “What made her decide at the last minute is what makes me ponder,” Oak said.

“I don’t know what could have made her do that either…” Jase lied recalling her sad face back at the port.

“Anyways I think I should be going to sleep now. It’s past midnight, and even a famous professor should be getting his sleep,” Oak remarked.

“Ok later!” Jase said while hanging up.

“So Jase, you hungry?” Birch asked, handing him a box of Ramen noodles.

“Hell yeah!” Jase shouted.
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Little later after dinner, Jase was sitting on the roof looking out into the night sky, which was full of shining stars. It soon dawned on Jase that he’d totally forgotten about something. He reached through his belt, finding a pokeball. He threw it out and a blinding white light was shot out. It materialized as a little orange lizard, with a tail that had a flame on its tip.

“How dumb of me. We haven’t acquainted ourselves yet. Hey, my name’s Jase Mackenzie, your new partner,” Jase introduced. The lizard acknowledged Jase with a nod.

The two were then joined by Prof Birch. He sat beside Jase.

“Hey Jase, can I ask you something?” Birch asked.

“Uh…sure I guess,” Jase answered.

“What is your reason for becoming a trainer? Is it simply to be the best?” Birch asked.

Jase just laid back and stared at the stars once more. Birch could tell that his question had just passed the personal border. He could see it in Jase’s eyes.

“Look Jase-

“Ahh, it’s okay. I don’t mind, it’s okay if I tell you. It all started…

Somewhere far away…

“You left me…but you promised…I will battle you, defeat you in the tournament, and crush you…"

Back…

“And that’s the story,” Jase finished explaining.

“I’m terribly sorry that happened to him…” Birch said in a low tone.

Charmander looked in awe at his new partner. He was amazed that Jase went through that, and how powerful ]his pokemon were. Charmander then tried to say something to Jase, but Jase couldn’t understand.

“It looks like it's just as impressed with your story Jase,” Birch said. “It just made a promise saying that it’ll become to most powerful pokemon with you as the most powerful trainer someday,” Birch explained.

“Is this true little buddy?” Jase asked.

Charmander nodded and put its claw out. Jase grabbed its hand and both shook.
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It was the next morning, and Birch went outside to get some air, but then saw Jase coming back with his Charmander in his arms.

“Jase, what happened?” Birch asked.

“We were doing some tough training,” Jase said returning inside the house.

“Little amateur…He thinks he can become champion, when he has trouble with wild pokemon?” Birch asked walking out into route 101. When he reached there, he saw fainted pokemon everywhere.

There was probably at least thirty pokemon downed there. Birch only had this to say:

“Holy ****…”
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Well, there it is. I know, it’s kind of boring be eh… Also thanks to Felix_the_Mutant_Pikachu for being my friendly neighborhood spellchecker.

 

[Dragonfree]

Please lengthen your chapters. According to the rules, they must be at least a page on Microsoft Word. And please space out your paragraphs more...

Since you wanted us to point out your spelling errors:

proulouge:

It's "Prologue". Or "Prolog", but "prologue" is more used.

It was a beautiful day in Kanto. The sun is shining, the pidgey are singing and the koffing are coughing. Prof.Oak is happily practising his poetry(ALTHOUGH HE IS'NT GETTING ANY BETTER AT IT xD) while his assistant Ron is helping a nearby squirtle polish its shell. Prof.Oak is excited because today Prof.Birch is visiting for research on the comparison on both the Hoenn and Kanto starters. About 15 minutes later a boy stops by saying that he is ready for his first pokemon for his first day as a new trainer. Prof.Oak then starts to panic because he has forgotton that today is the day that new trainers will be stopping by today! Suddenly Prof.Birch arrives with a young boy beside him. He invites them in and they start talking about the 6 starters.

Some of those were probably typoes, of course, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't fix them. And don't shift tenses - either it's all happening now or it all happened sometime long ago. Either "is" or "was". Not both.

Also, you shouldn't insert "author's notes" (basically the "BUT HE ISN'T GETTING ANY BETTER AT IT xD") in the middle of the story. It wouldn't be an author's note if you just wrote the sentence, "Prof. Oak is happily practising his poetry, but without much success." Which reminds me that you should really be putting a space between "Prof." and "Oak". Oh, and when you write numbers that are ninety-nine or below in a fic, you can write them out instead of using the numbers. Fifteen and six, thank you very much.

Oh, yeah, and you put two 'today's in here:

today is the day that new trainers will be stopping by today!

Remove one of them.

This is, of course, way too short to be a prologue, and isn't really much of a prologue. It would do much better at the start of the chapter. A prologue usually takes place at a different place and time than the first chapter and is meant to provoke mystery and catch readers' attention. Prologues are turning into some kind of trend, really, so they're being misused...

CHAPTER 1:THE CHALLENGE IS ON!!

Multiple exclamation marks aren't a very good idea.

Meanwhile the new trainers are outside, waiting patiently, except for one. This young man is named Jase. He is a 10 year old kid with a red cap with a pokeball design on it. He wears a black t-shirt with a light red vest over that. He wears blue jeans and red running shoes. Jase is infuriated because he has been forced to wait to get a pokemon when he has been waiting for this all his life. He declared that he was going to walk in there and demand he get his starter pokemon right away, but just before he could do that, both the professors came outside arguing over which set of pokemon is stronger. Prof Oak yelled that when charmander has fully evolved it will become half flying giving it an edge over torchic's fully evolved fighting form, but Prof Birch just comes back saying that an electrical attack can deafeat it easily but Oak just nags right back saying a psychic attack can murder blaziken on the spot. The boy who was with Birch earlier claims any pokemon he uses can defeat a starter from Kanto anytime, but Jase comes out of nowhere saying that he can't! Oak is glad that he has some backup in this argument. Oak then asks the other kids to come pick their pokemon and pokedex and leave. Before Jase could even move, the other 2 kids took their pokmon/dex and left, leaving Jase in the dust. The only pokemon that wasn't taken was charmander, which left Jase kind of disappointed because he wanted the stronger squirtle but he took what he could get.

Birch then got an excellent idea. Both of their trainers with a starter from their correspondent regions will go to opposite regions and each trainer will compete in the inter-continental trainer championships this year after getting 8 badges. This event happened only every 10 years and Hoenn has been supreme for the last 4 championships. Kanto hasn't won since the event that took place around 80 years ago. Oak furiated graciously accepts and points to Jase saying that his father was an Indigo league champ before in his youth. Birch then turns to his companion who happens to be his own son named Rick. Rick wore a purple t-shirt with a blue jacket over it. He had a blue bandana on and baggy blue pants. Birch asks Rick which Hoenn starter he wants. Rick walks over to Jase and asks him what starter he has. Jase tells him he got charmander so Rick walks up to his father and asks him to give him torchic.

And so it was on! A journey to prove which region is the better one. Both professors and their trainers stare at each other for a while but then they head their separate ways. Rick heads over to Pewter city and Jase heads over to Hoenn with Birch.

WHO WILL WIN? READ TO FIND OUT^^

The plot is a little bit more interesting than the average trainer fic, I'll give you that... but the style is a problem. You write like you're just very lengthily summarizing what happened, which is not good. Either you summarize something briefly, which you should only do for parts that really don't matter in the story, or you write the full thing, write them actually saying their lines, include some detail and dialogue. There is no such thing as going in between.

Your character descriptions were rather bland... just "He wears this. He wears that. He is this." It's best to include the description in the flow of the story while something is actually happening; never put more than like one successive sentence of pure description.

I also don't get this:

Oak furiated graciously accepts

"Furiated" isn't a word; it sounds like you meant "Infuriated" or "furiously" but that doesn't fit with "graciously". o-O

You might also want to include some more feelings...

Jase has finally made it to Hoenn. He informs Oak that he has arrived and that he will start his journey tommorow seeing how it has become dark outside. Birch is eating dinner while Jase is outside getting acquainted with his new pokemon. Birch then joins him outside and they both stare at the stars. Birch then asks Jase what his reason for becoming a pokemon trainer was and Jase answers to follow his dad. Jase tells him the story of how his dad was the Indigo champ for 5 years in a row. Then one night on Jase's 2nd birthday some thugs broke in threating them. Then Jase's dad got in the way to protect them but there must've been at least 30 of them and his dad and his pokemon were eventually killed by the overflowing pokemon attacks. Seeing how his dad risked his life for him he wants to become a powerful trainer too. Then there was a moment of silence between the 2. Charmander looked in awe at his new trainer and started trying to tell Jase something. Jase didn't really understand but Birch got it all perfectly. Charmander said that hearing that story has encouraged him to become a mighty pokemon someday and surpass his father's pokemon and that he'll remain at his side forever. Jase was shocked that Charmander put out its hand and Jase put out his.

It was the next day and Jase was ready. Birch found him up bright and early and was even more surprised to find him in a battle against one of the neighbours. It was charmander versus a zigzagoon. Both pokemon looked really exhausted. Then zigzagoon went in for a tackle but charmander dodged it, hit it with a metal claw and then finished it off with an ember. Birch had to admit that Jase was a natural but he had to work a lot harder if his pokemon is exhausted from fighting one zigzagoon. But then the neighbour informed Birch that Jase had asked the stranger to use 3 pokemon against his 1 pokemon. Apparently Jase had defeated zigzagoon, a lotad and a whismur with only his charmander. Birch was very impressed. Jase then got his charmander healed up. Jase left Littleroot towards his new adventure....

The thing about his father dying and all that would make a much better prologue than what you currently have, really. That's something that happened in the past and foreshadows some plot (assuming that you will include Jase seeking revenge in some way or another in the fic).

The second part, though... my Gary-Stu alarm just exploded. Jase had a league champion for a father and I predict he will also become one, his father died, Professor Birch believes he's a "natural" at battling just from the way Charmander beats Zigzagoon and additionally it turns out Charmander beat THREE Pokémon, not just one. If you've never heard of a Gary-Stu, it's basically somebody who's too perfect and gets all the sympathy, and Jase is a perfect example of one. Unless you've got a really good reason why he's magically so good at battling, he shouldn't be.

Anyway, that's it for now... I'll be here for the next chapter.

 

[Atari]

Spoiler: The First & Worst Comment Ever. ^^||

Best story I've read so far... I'll give it a 9.99! You should make a third chapter!

--Why does a Level.5 Charmander have the move metal claw???
--When will Charmander evolve??
--How is Torchic doing??
--You should make a third chapter! ;004; ;255;

 

[Haunter]

BlazikenTyphlosion, please don't rate things too high. You're basically just telling him to go on like he is and he won't get any better if you do.

 

[DKzM0mA]

Wow i got a lot to work on. Thx for pointing those errors out and BTW: Why did charmander know metal claw at level 5: I'll answer that with a question of my own. Why did ash's charmander know flamethrower as soon as he got it but it learns it at level 34 but in the episode when ash catches primeape charmander just suddenly learns RAGE as a new attack which it learns at level 19? When will charmander evolve?: Read to find out^^ How it torchic doing?: Read to find out^^ But thx for supporting me^^

Dragonfree thank you for giving some tips. This was my first attempt and i think I preety much ****** it up but i'll try to make chapter 3 even better.

BTW: chapter 3 will be up monday morning by the latest^^

 

[DKzM0mA]

Aite chapter 3 is ready I hope it's better

CHAPTER 3: TR CONFRONTATION!

It is his second day of being on the road through the vast land of Kanto. Rick has been training very hard, making his torchic stronger. Currently Rick and his torchic who he nicknamed Scorch are in a battle against a trainer named Ryley and his butterfree.

"Butterfree, use sleep powder!" Ryley commanded.
"
Pfft, Scorch, use ember" Rick commanded calmly.

The fire attack broke right through. Disintegrating the powder and hitting the butterfree causing a lot of damage. " Finish it off with peck!" Rick ordered. The attack scored a hit and fainted butterfree. Ryley was left speechless but accepted this defeat. "Nice battle" Rick said to Ryley putting out his hand. "Thanks but man your torchic was something else, I couldn't even send a counter-attack after your ember attack. Your torchic must be well trained if iit was able to defeat all four of us." Ryley complimented. The other 3 trainers then come in asking if Rick wanted to trade for pokemon. "Sorry guys but torchic is my only pokemon.""But Rick, in most gyms you will need atleast two pokemon."one of the trainers said. This worried Rick a little bit seeing that he was planning on conquering all of kanto just using his starter pokemon. "Oh well, I will come up with something, but by the way do you know how far viridian city is from here?"Rick asked. "Yeah, it's about an hour walk from here." Rick thanked all the boys and headed off towards Viridian city.

When Rick finally arrived at his destination, his first stop was the pokemon center. He got his torchic healed up and went up to the third floor where trainers can stay for the night, since it was getting dark outside.
In his room he let out his torchic and let it stretch its legs. "Man Scorch you are really getting stronger and I think you're also getting smarter too." Torchic just looked up at Rick and started jumping for joy."Better go to sleep Scorch, we have a gym battle tommorow". Both went to sleep soundly, having wonderful dreams about becoming champions together at the intercontinental championships.

Rick was up bright and early and pumped up for his battle. He went downstairs, thanked Nurse joy and started to leave."Wait!" shouted the nurse."Yeah?"Rick asked."The gym is closed because the gym leader decided to retire. There should be a new gym leader in about three weeks time" Joy explained."WHAT?!"Rick shouted with a dumb look on his face."The nearest gym is in Pewter city which is about a two days' walk from here" said Joy. "Thanks" said Rick with a dumb look on his face. Rick exited the center and decided to do some sight seeing before he left. While walking around he saw a familiar face. Rick then recognized him as one of the trainers who came with Jase to get his first pokemon. The boy instantly recognized Rick as well and jumped at his feet crying."Wha-wha-what the hell are you doing?!" Rick yelled."Please help me!" cried the boy. Since the boy was crying Rick decided to atleast hear him out.

He sobbed. "Sorry about that,hi my name is Rex"."Hey I'm Rick, so..what's your problem?"."Well..I know you're not allowed to enter the abandoned gym,but I thought there might've been some strong wild pokemon there to catch but when I went in two thugs hit me with a bat and ran of with my pokemon" Rex explained. Rick thought to himself, What a loser...but since I am short on pokemon I might be able to find strong wild pokemon in there. I guess it wouldn't hurt to beat up those thugs while I'm at it."Sure why not I'll get your pokemon back before you even know it!" Rick boasted."Really?Thank you sooo much! He starts to cry.I hope I am doing the right thing Rick thought to himself. So he left towards the gym.

Rick had broken into the gym looking around. Rick was suprised that the gym that looked puny on the outside was so big on the inside. Some wild pokemon attaked him but seeing how Rick was able to dodge without the help of his pokemon, it showed they weren't worthy enough to be on his team. Rick went down some stairs which led to more stairs and more stairs after that. Rick was starting to get annoyed but then after some more walking he saw a room with a light on. Rick quietly walked over to the doorless room and peeked inside. There he saw 2 thugs with black uniforms with a big red R on in."Man look at all these pokemon we stole!"one of the thugs boasted." YEAH! We hit the jackpot! Leader 1 will be proud." the other yelled. Rick started to back away slightly but accidently knocked over an empty glass bottle. This alerted the 2 thugs and they ran outside the room to see what intruder had happeneed to find them. " So you guys are the bums who stole my friend's pokemon." Rick said." Maybe we are." one said."Who are you and why are you stealing pokemon?!" Rick scolded."We are the rocket duo bros from the REBEL ROCKETS! I'm Ed!"the first one said."And I'm Eddie!" the second one said. Rick wasn't impressed. " If you're here to take the pokemon back you're just asking for a battle!"Ed yelled."Well, then lets go"Rick calmy said.

"Go raticate!"Ed yelled.

"Go Ekans!"yelled Eddie.

"2vs1 eh? Whatever..doesn't matter, I'll still take you guys out. Come on out Scorch!"

"Prepare to lose your little birdie there forever!"Eddie claimed.

"We'll just see about that won't we?" Rick replied.

The battle was on!

Eddie started things off with a with a wrap.

"Raticate follow up with a bite attack after the chick is coiled up.

"Scorch use double team!"Rick commanded.

Torchic then created 5 clones of itself dodging the attack of the two foes."Now use an ember on both of them!" Rick ordered. The fire was barraging both pokemon but raticate was able to get out of the attack.

"Raticate use Quick attack!"

It was approaching fast but torchic simply jumped then fell on raticate's head then started pecking its face.

"Ekans help raticate out with another wrap attack!" Ed commanded.

Torchic then jumped off raticaate's head allowing the wrap attack to wrap around its ally.

"Full power ember attack now!"Rick commanded. The fire attack was pounding on both pokemon hard. Ed and Eddie were starting to get worried seeing how thier pokemon were taking a serious beating.

"A little more and this battle should be over!"Rick declared.

But then an elekid which seemed to be sleep walking was about to walk right into the ember barrage.

"Stop scorch before that pokemon gets hurt!"Rick yelled.

Torchic immediantly stops its attack just before it hit the elekid. The TR bros took this to their advantage and ordered their pokemon on full offence.

"Poison sting!"Eddie ordered.

"Then follow up with a hyper fang!"ordered Ed.

Torchic took both hits very hard and was sent flying into a nearby wall. Ekans then fired another round of poison sting at the fainted torchic. Rick then covered torchic with his body to sheild him. The attack hit Rick and then there was an explosion.

Elekid woke up from the sound of the explosion to find Rick injured with a beat up torchic under him and wondered what has happened. Ed and his brother were laughing and thanked elekid for if it hadden't got itself into trouble they might have lost, but look at them now!

Elekid was shocked to find out it was its fault that Rick got hurt.

"Well it's time to end this little battle, Raticate use hyper fang and finsh them off!"Ed commanded.

Raticate was coming right at the 2 injured beings. Rick knew this was the end but then elekid jumped infront of Rick, charged up a thunderpunch and punched raticate right in the face sending it flying back. Rick was shocked but elekid just looked back and gave him a thumbs up. Rick took this as a sign of saying he wanted to pay back Rick for screwing him up earlier.

"OH YEAH?!BOTH OF YOU GET IN THERE AND SMASH THAT THING INTO BITS!"both the brothers ordered.

"Quick use a quick attack! Rick ordered.

Elekid smashed into both pokemon sending them soaring back slamming into thier trainers.

"This battle ends now! Elekid use thundershock!"yelled Rick.

Elekid shocked all four of them causing a massive explosion that sent TR blasting off into the sky. Finally this battle was over.

Rick returned Torchic back to his pokeball and picked up the large bag that contained all the pokeballs TR stole. He then turned to elekid.

"Yo, since you're kind of alone here do you mind joining me and torchic on our quest to become the best?" Rick asked.

Elekid looked at Rick for a moment but then put on a smile and jumped to Rick. Rick gave it a pokeball and he caught it.

He then walked over to the police station and left the bag in front of the door, healed up at the pokemon center and left.

Rick was back on the road towords Pewter City where he will battle for his first badge which is the first step towards the intercontinental pokemon league championships where he will battle Jase.


I hope this one was better^^ Same thing as before, point out spelling mistakes and/or grammar problems and give an honest rating or a review.

 

[Atari]

BlazikenTyphlosion, please don't rate things too high. You're basically just telling him to go on like he is and he won't get any better if you do.

Ok! I'll give the first two chapters an 8.5 and the third chapter an 8.7

 

[Dragonfree]

Read the rules. Number ratings are NOT ALLOWED. They tell the author nothing. Tell him what you like, what you don't like, and preferrably also why you like or don't like it.


Anyway ... chapter three. I can't be as thorough with it as the first two since it's much longer, but I'll comment on what I feel the need to comment on.

Currently Rick and his torchic who he nicknamed Scorch is in a battle

They are in a battle. It's Rick and his Torchic, so it's two of them.

"Butterfree use sleep powder!" Ryley commanded."Pfft, Scorch use ember" Rick commanded calmly.

You should start a new paragraph when somebody new speaks, and it's better to double space the paragraphs when you're at a forum. Also, remember that before a closing quote in dialogue, there must be some kind of punctuation; after "Scorch use ember" there should be a comma. You need commas between the Pokémon names and the commands addressed to them, too, and it's better not to use the same word (commanded) twice with so little in between. So it should look more like this:

"Butterfree, use sleep powder!" Ryley commanded.

"Pfft, Scorch, use ember," Rick said calmly.

That also applies to the rest of the battle.

The fire attack broke throught discintergrating the powder and still hitting butterfree causing a lot of damage.

1. Through, not throught, and disintegrating. You should proofread your chapters before posting them, and preferrably write them in Microsoft Word or a similar program with spell check on.
2. Split this into two sentences; make "The fire attack broke through" one sentence and then start the next one with "It disintegrated the powder ..."
3. I don't really think that "still" is needed.
4. Comma after "Butterfree".
5. Butterfree is referring to a specific Pokémon here, so either you capitalize it or turn it into "the butterfree".
6. You never actually say Torchic did anything. This is pretty common for new writers; basically, you don't omit anything in the middle of a scene you're describing in detail. Right now the fire is just appearing out of thin air.

The quoted sentence itself, though, should look more like this:

The fire attack broke through. It disintegrated the powder and hit the butterfree, causing a lot of damage.

I coudn't even send a counter-attack

Couldn't. Use a spellchecker.

"Yeah, it's about an hour walk from here.

Don't forget the closing quote. It can be very confusing when you don't know what is a part of what somebody was saying and what isn't.

Your torchic must be well trained if iit was able to defeat all 4 of us." Ryley complimented. The other 3 trainers then come in asking if Rick wanted to trade for pokemon. "Sorry guys but torchic is my only pokemon.""But Rick, in most gyms you will need atleast 2 pokemon."

You're still using numbers. Numbers are bad. Four, three, two. It's not hard to write it out.

Owell

"Oh well"

arrived to his destination

Either "got to his destination" or "arrived at his destination". You go to a place, but you arrive at a place.

where trainers can stay for the night

"where trainers could stay for the night"

I think your also getting smarter too

"Your" means something that belongs to you, such as "your head" or "your leg". What you're looking for is "you're", which stands for "you are".

jumping in joy

I believe it's "jumping for joy".

Better go to sleep Scorch

Don't forget the starting quote either.

Both went to sleep soundly. Having wonderful dreams about becoming champion together at the intercontinental championships.

The last sentence can't stand on its own. Combine it with the previous sentence with a comma. And there are two of them, so "champions".

"WHAT?!"Rick shouted with a dum look on his face.

Space after the closing quote, and "dumb".

about a 2 days walk from here

"about two days' walk from here"

aswell

"as well", two words.

atleast

"at least", also two words.

*sniff*

Never use actions in a fanfic, instead, write something like, "He sobbed."

abouot

"about"

whats your problem

"what's your problem". Remember, you're looking for "what is".

i thought

Always capitalize "I" when people refer to themselves.

ran of

"ran off".

* What a loser...but since I am short on pokemon I might be able to find strong wild pokemon in there. I guess it wouldn't hurt to beat up those thugs while I'm at it.*

You don't need the asterisks, just remove them and instead put this in italics or something.

*starts to cry*

See what I said earlier about actions. Just put in, "He started to cry again," or something similar.

Incidentally, you also forgot a closing quote there.

Rick had broke into the gym

Since you have "had", it's "broken", not "broke".

attaked

Proofread... it's "attack" and I know you know that.

a light onn

A light on. Yet again, proofread.

to peeked inside

Either "and peeked inside" or "to peek inside".

they ran out side the room to see what intruder happeneed to find them

"outside" and "had happened".

poekmon

Proofread.

After you've finished writing the chapter, don't just go and post it. Read carefully over it first and catch errors like that.

Well then lets go

"Well, then, let's go"

doesnt matter I'll still take you guys out

"Doesn't matter, I'll still take you guys out."

In that dialogue with Ed and Eddie plus the battle, you're still dealing with the same problems as in the previous battle. See above.

botth

Proofread.

raticaate's

Proofread.

thier

Proofread.

Stop scorch

1. You forgot a starting quote.
2. Always capitalize names.
3. Right now, you're saying "Stop Scorch" as in that somebody should stop Scorch. A comma in between there will solve that.

it was it's fault

"it was its fault". When you're dealing with pronouns, 's always stands for "is".

slaming into thier trainers

"slamming" and "their". Proofread, proofread.

sending TR blasting off into the sky

You're better off with "that sent" rather than "sending" since you used "causing" just earlier.

picked the large bag

He picked it up. Otherwise he was choosing it.

you kind of alone

"you're kind of alone"

me and torchic

Technically "torchic and me", although of course this is speech so you'll get away with a grammatical error like that.

infront of the door

"in front of the door", and I've got to say I found it a bit weird that he'd just leave the bag there with no explanation.

point out spelling mistakes and/or grammer problems

It's always ironic when people can't spell "grammar".


You also had the tense-switching problem here, which you should fix, but my number one advice to you is to proofread before you post and preferrably use a spell checker. This is a must if you want to improve the spelling and grammar at all.

But it's definitely better.

 

[DKzM0mA]

Thanks for pointing those out again dragonfree. For those who care which not might be that much, Chapter 4 will be up by tommorow.

 

[DKzM0mA]

Alright here it comes. Italics means the person is thinking to themselves. Flashbacks are also in italics but you will figure it out.

CHAPTER 4: Enter, Rick's girl friend?!

"I CAME FROM PALLET TOWN, WITH A WHOLE NEW WORLD TO SEE! NOT KNOWING WHATS AHEAD BUT IT WON'T GET THE BEST OF ME..! THERE'S SO MUCH LEARN AND BATTLES TO BE WON!" Jase sang to himself." Hmm that wasn't so bad. Maybe when I become famous I'll use that for a theme song" Jase thought to himself.

Just when he was about to continue his theme song he tripped and fell into dirt. He slowly got up. He cleaned the dirt off his pants and started walking towards route 103. Supposedly there was a girl there whom he was given instructions from Prof. Birch himself to give her a package.
Flashback

"Wait! Jase wait! Shouted Birch.

Birch ran up to Jase huffing and puffing, tired from the run finally caught up with the boy.

"What's wrong Prof. Birch?" Jase asked.

"Do you mind stopping by route 103 for me? There should be a girl there waiting for this package. It's the pokemon she requested but she can't come here because she doesn't have anyone to walk her here, seeing how it's dangerous to walk here without a pokemon. She should be in Old dale or upahead in 103. I would go myself but I have research to do here. Do you mind?" Birch asked.

"Sure it's on the way so it won't be a problem."Jase explained.

"Thanks a lot!” Birch thanked.

Birch handed the package to Jase and watched him slowly as he left on his journey to be the best.
End of flashback

AHHHHHHHHH! Someone screamed.

Jase heard this scream and quickly ran ahead to see what was happening. When he came to the sight where the scream he saw a girl backed up to a corner at a brick wall with a big thug in front of her. It looked like harassment to Jase.

"Come on! Just one kiss! Please?" the thugs asked starting to move closer.

"Get away! I already have a boyfriend! The young girl screamed.

"Tell me his name and I'll kick his little ***!"The thug threatened.

"GO AWAY!” the girl screamed at the top her lungs.

"How about no, now give me my kiss!” the thug demanded.

"You want a kiss, come get some love over here! A voice yelled out from behind.

The thug turned around only to get embered straight in the face.

"What the ****? What kind of love was that?! The thug asked angrily.

He got back up to see a boy dressed mostly in red, wearing a red cap and had a charmander beside him.

"It was tough love! Want some more? Coal show him how much u care!"Jase ordered.

Coal the Charmander opened his mouth, and the fire attack emerged blasting the thug down again. The thug then got up and took out a pokeball and threw it up in the air.

"Go wingull! Show them whose boss!" the thug shouted.

A white light emerged and took shape as the little bird with a long beak. The bird flew over to its trainer, looking ready for a battle.

Red had charmander stand back as he took out another pokeball. He threw the red&white ball up and out came out a golden little dog pokemon. It was surprisingly a Poochyena.

"Barx use tackle fast!"Jase instructed.

The bite pokemon rammed its head right into the little wingull sending smashing into its trainer. The trainer got back up holding the wingull in his hand.

"I'll just kick your butt then take the girl and go!" the thug threatened.

Just as he was about to grab the girl charmander ran up to with a claw glowing white and metal clawed him down. Jase then appeared in front of the girl.

Barx, Coal metal claw-tackle combo now!" Jase commanded.

The bite pokemon and the lizard pokemon both running at the thug with their correspondent attacks and sent him flying into the sky.

Congratulating his pokemon, he returned them to their pokeball he walked up to the girl.

"You ok?"Jase asked.

"Yeah thanks a lot. That bum doesn't know what the "no" means. By the way, can I get my rescuers name? She asked.

"Uh...Yeah it's Jase"he answered.

"Jase, nice name but it's still not as attractive as my boyfriend's name” she said.

This kind of freaked out Jase a little bit seeing how she was looking out into the sky with stars in her eyes.

"So, what's my rescue’s name?" Jase asked in curiosity.

"My name is Krys Michaels, but my future name will be Kyrs Birch after I marry my hubbypoo."She said with hearts in her eyes.

Jase started backing away but then realized that she was the girl! He then bent down, opened up his bag and took out the package.

"Excuse me, I got a package here for you from Prof. Birch.” he informed.

He handed the bag over to her and watched as she opened the bag to reveal six balls and a pokedex. Jase guessed this was her first day as a trainer.

"I wonder if got the pokemon I wanted. Oh this pokeball has a picture of a leaf on it. I guess I'll try this one then."Krys said to herself.

She threw the ball and out came a flash of light to reveal the grass pokemon Treecko. It then turned to Krys and gave out a cute little sound of some sort.

"Oh my god that was so cute!"Krys yelled scaring Jase a bit.

He then noticed it was already 5pm! Jase started to worry because he wanted to make it to petalburg before dark but now it was too late.

"It's 5pm? I had to get back to petalburg but now it's too late. Oh well. Hey lets go shopping Jase!"She suddenly yelled?

"What?! You want to go shopping with a total stranger? And besides I hate shopping, it's boring, it sucks and the lines are always long!" Jase complained.

"Oh please!” she whined looking very seductive.

Jase started backing away with a worried look on his face. As he was backing away she was moving up coming closer with a sexy smile on her face. She then winked at him seductively and Jase really got scared!

"Oh crap not the sexy wink! I always fall for that damn wink. Ok...keep it cool Jase. Don't fall for it. She's just doing that to get you to do her begging. You don't even know that damn girl. Ok now walk up to her and say NO!

"Hell no! I aint going shopping with you! Never in a thousand years!"Jase declared.
-----------------------------
20 minutes later.

"Do you think this pink dress makes me look fat? I like this purple one because it'll show off my nice-

"DON'T EVEN SAY IT!"Jase demanded.

"Yeah, you're right. This yellow blouse will show off my sweet ra-

"DAMMIT SHUT UP! WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING THESE THINGS WITH ME?! AND WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT STUFF OUT LOUD?!"Jase yelled.

"Well, seeing how you were listening, it shows that you were interested.” she said in a smart alick tone.

Jase blushed like mad. His skin became redder than his red vest.

"Calm down!” she giggled.

"Whatever, can we just go?"Jase asked.

"Fine, I reserved a room at the pokemon center. Luckily I got us the last room!"Krys said.

"We have to share a room?!"Jase complained.

"Don't worry I am sure there is more than one bed in there but if there isn't we'll just have to share!” she said giggling at the same time.

"WHAT THE HELL?"Jase yelled.
------------------------
They arrived at the pokemon center and found their room and opened the door. Jase let out a breath of relief as he saw they were two beds.

"Aww, I was hoping for one bed so we could share. Oh well." Krys teased.

"WHAT?!"

"Kidding, calm down."

They both got settled into their beds and tried to get to sleep. Then Jase's opened wider than melons after realizing something.

"WAIT A SECOND YOU'RE RICK'S GIRL FRIEND?!
-------------

Well there it is. I hope you enjoyed it and same thing as always. Corrections and reviews, o and sry if i got the lyrics wrong at the starting. I was too lazy to look it up so i sang to myself xD.

 

[daksunt]

well very good story. (how about making johto vs hoenn)

 

[DKzM0mA]

Well chapter 5 coming atcha (-_- did I spell dat right?)

CHAPTER 5: The practice

It was a bright and early morning. Both Krys and Jase were walking together through the forest trying to get to petalburg by lunch time. Krys was walking; admiring the scenery but Jase was walking while staring at Krys with a suspicious look. Jase then tried breaking the silence as it was creepy him out.

"Damn I get stuck with the bum's girlfriend. What has the world come too?"Jase complained.

"Well...." she trailed off.

"Well what?"

"Can I tell you a secret?" she asked.

"If it involves you. Rick and a bed, don't tell me." Jase declared.

"Not that silly! You see, back at the pokemon academy Rick was very popular. Every girl loved him but Rick wasn't really the social type."

"So, what's your point"? Jase demanded getting annoyed.

"He's not really my boyfriend. I just fantasize it. Funny eh?"

"Whatever, let's just get going to petalburg. I want to get my first badge."

"Oh, you're going there for the badge? Good luck you'll need it. That gym leader has some real power.” she explained.

"How would you know all this? Do you watch his battles?" Jase asked.

"No, the leader is my daddy." she said.

This made Jase fall down anime style. He got up with a weird look on his face.

"So you mind telling me what pokemon he uses?"Jase asked.

"Nope"

"Please?"

"Only if you admit that I have a really nice ra-

"NEVERMIND JUST SHUT UP" Jase thundered.

"You're so inexperienced." she giggled.

"Then you must be a public toilet." Jase murmured under his breath.

"What was that?" she asked with an evil face on.

"Nothing...” he said as he backed away five feet to avoid any violence.
-------------------------

It has been two hours and they still haven't reached their destination. Krys started to complain that all this walking was tiring her out. Jase opened up his backpack and handed a soda. Jase was starting to get tired because in those two hours he has defeated dozens of trainers and his pokemon were getting tired.

"I don’t think it's that far anymore. Maybe in around half hour time we should reach petalburg." Jase explained.

That only made her groan for agony. She got up and released her treecko.

"Hello Petals. Having an ok time?” she asked.

"Petals?" he asked in a dumb expression.

"It's her nickname." she explained.

"I'm surprised you didn't call it Rick" he said laughing at his own joke.

She decided to ignore that comment and kept walking. Jase soon caught up and decided to chat about their lives. Like their family and stuff like that.
-------------------------

They finally got to Petalburg and both of them ran towards the gym. Kyrs opened the glass door and Jase entered as well.

"Daddy, Mommy I'm home!" she yelled.

Both a tall man with short hair entered with a woman with curly long hair and an orange dress.

"Krys! You finally made it. Did you get your pokemon?"The woman asked.

"I saw Bruno come back this morning from Old dale. Did he harass you again?” he asked in an angry tone.

"Yeah but before he could do anything this guy saved me from him” she explained pointing to Jase.

"Hey, I'm Jase Mackenzie from Pallet Town.” he introduced.

"From pallet town? Isn't that where Birch went? Norman asked.

Jase nodded and told the three about everything about what happened in Pallet about the challenge and how Rick was starting his journey in Kanto.

"WHAT?!"Kyrs yelled.

Jase freaked out and hid behind Norman and Caroline.

"I was going to go on my journey with Rick as a coordinator. Why did my Birchypoo do this to me?” she whined.

Jase then remembered something and quickly turned to Norman.

"Norman I challenge you to a pokemon battle for the Balance badge!" Jase declared.

Norman then told Jase something that he did not want to hear.

"I'm sorry Jase but I decline your challenge. The hoenn rule book says I can't accept a challenge from you unless you're signed up as an official Hoenn trainer." Norman explained sadly.

"What...Ok then where do I sign up? He asked.

"You can sign up the pokemon center in Rustboro city. One more thing. You can't challenge me unless you have 4 badges to show me.” Norman informed.

"Damn it. Then I better get going than." Jase said.

"Wait!" Caroline called.

She then turned to Krys.

"Darling why don't you go on your journey with Jase here. It's dangerous for a girl like you to go across hoenn alone. I know you wanted to go with Rick but you won't see him for at least another year. Jase has already saved you once. Think of him as your bodyguard.” Caroline said.

Jase's jawed dropped to the floor. I have to travel around for a year with her?! Actually this might soften up her dad in our gym match but still not her!! Norman then walked up to Jase.

"Even though you're not official yet, how about we have a little battle for fun?” Norman asked.

"Sure!"Jase agreed in excitement.
-----------------------------------------

They walked into a little arena in the basement. Apparently, Krys also had a little brother about the age of 9 who joined them in the basement as well.

"So who's your new boyfriend?” the little boy known as Max asked.

Krys ignored this comment and watched the match.

Both trainers released their pokemon. It was Jase's charmander against Norman's linoone.

Caroline decided to be ref and stood in between the two trainers. She gave the signal and the battle was on.

“Coal, heat things up with an ember!” Jase ordered.

The little lizard pokemon opened up, and the fire pokemon blasted the attack right at his foe.

“Dodge with agility, and then use quick attack!” Norman countered.

The fire attack just barely missed the rush pokemon as it disappeared with a blur. Then out of nowhere, it struck coal from the back as it used its quick attack.

“Damn, it’s fast. Coal go in for a metal claw!” Jase instructed.

The little orange pokemon’s claw started to glow white and it slashed its foe sending it skid back a few feet.

“He just took the hit?” Jase said to himself puzzled.

“Now, use counter!” Norman yelled.

Linoone started glowing red and ran towards its opponent ramming it with its head. Coal was starting to get tired. It then opened its mouth and charged up an ember and fired.

“Again, dodge with agility then quick attack now!” Norman ordered.

Once again, linoone disappeared in a blur and attacked coal from behind.

Jase was starting to worry seeing how his pokemon wasn’t close to how fast his opponent was.

Dad what would you do if you were in my position…
Flashback

Sitting on the grass was a middle aged man, with black hair and ruby eyes. Staring out into the sky he was also keeping an eye on his son who was playing with his lapras on the river. The boy was about 4 ft tall with a red shirt saying champion on it. This young boy was who we knew as Jase today.

“Hey, dad how did a big, slow pokemon like lapras beat fast pokemon beat a trainer with a fast pokemon like sneasel. Lapras is strong but power is garbage if you can’t hit your opponent.” Jase pointed out.

“It’s true that power is useless without speed but there is still a way to beat fast pokemon. All you have to do is distinguish where the pokemon is headed. When a pokemon uses an attack like agility, all it really does is run very quickly hiding itself. If you can use a move to find its patterns, even a slow pokemon like lapras find take it out.” the man said.

“I don’t get it!” the boy yelled.

“Someday when you’re in that kind of predicament you will understand. Just remember what I told you”. The man explained.

End of flashback

“That’s it!” Jase thought to himself.

“Coal, use ember again!” Jase ordered.

“Again?” Linoone, you what to do.” Norman spoke.

As expected, linoone disappeared and the fire attack missed.

“Coal, use your smoke screen all over the room!” Jase yelled.

Obeying its master the little fire pokemon opened its mouth and spread smoke appeared all over the room. Jase then saw a figure in the smoke running at coal from behind.

“Coal, turn around and use ember now!” Jase commanded.

Quickly, the lizard turned around and started blasting the fire attack at the pokemon. The rush pokemon was being barraged by the ember attack unable to counter attack or even run away. Norman put on a worried look on his face.

“NOW, FULL POWER METAL CLAW!” Jase shouted.

Coal ran and slashed linoone with its glowing white clawing making it faint. Jase just stared into space for a second than jumped in happiness and ran to his victorious pokemon.

Both Krys and her little sibling were stunned at Jase’s power. Norman returned his pokemon to its pokeball and congratulated Jase on his victory. Krys was still confused on hoe Jase came out victorious.

“You see Krys, Jase had his charmander use smoke screen when I used agility. By doing that Jase was able to follow linoone’s movements since its figure is visible in the smoke and waited for the perfect time to counter attack. Krys was surprised that Jase came up with something like that.

“Jase where did you come up with something like that?” krys asked curiously.

“Something my dad taught me when I was a kid. I am surprised I remembered something like that at the last moment.” Jase explained.

“Well let’s go eat dinner and get a good night’s rest. Tomorrow is a big day.” said Caroline.
----------------------------------------
It was the next. Jase was ready and Kyrs was pumped for her journey. Jase looked at Krys with a dumb expression.

“What?” Krys asked.

“Well, what’s with hoenn and blue? You and Rick dress the same.” Jase explained

“Oh. You see the hoenn colour is red but Rick is kind of a rebel so I dress like him.” she said.

She started posing with her blue shirt which went down to her belly button and her short
blue shorts, both having white strips and a pokeball design on her shirt.

Saying her last goodbyes, Jase and Krys headed out on their journey.

------------------------------------------
Hoped you liked this one. More to come.

 

[chary888]

Please read the rules...

 

[DKzM0mA]

U mind tellin me what i did wrong?

 

[DKzM0mA]

Chapter 6. This one's about how's Rick doing.
----------------------------------

CHAPTER 6: Jiroo, a leader and a new companion.

After some really tough training, Rick believes he is ready to battle the gym leader of Pewter city. He finally enters Pewter city and looks for the pokemon center. After a little searching he finds it. When he enters he sees a familiar face. It was none other then Rex who he met back in viridian city.

"Hey Rex. You here to challenge the gym leader?" Rick asked.

"I already did, but I lost terribly." Rex answered.

" Damn, what a loser. How this kid made it here to pewter city without getting robbed again I will never know" Rick thought to himself.

"So what pokemon did he use against you" Rick asked hoping to get an edge in his up coming gym battle.

"I couldn't even get past his first pokemon, but it seems the leader uses rock pokemon." Rex explained.

"Thanks, that's helpful information."

"No problem"

Rex left towards viridian to do some training. Meanwhile Rick was preparing for his gym battle but Nurse Joy then interrupted him.

"Excuse me. Would you happen to be Rick Birch?" she asked politely.

"Um, yes that's me." Rick answered.

"Well, you got a phone call waiting for you. This person called yesterday asking if you were here. I informed the caller that you were not here and I would give her a call if you reached this pokemon center." the nurse explained.

Rick walked up to the phone, picked up the receiver and waited to see if anyone was there. All Rick could hear were two people arguing on the other side of the call.

"Hello?" Rick asked confused.

"OH, HI MY FUTURE HUSBAND! I MISS YOU SO MUCH MY LITTLE RICHYPOO! CAN YOU GUESS WHO THIS IS? WELL, IF YOU DIDN'T GET IT, IT'S YOUR FUTURE WIFE, KRYS MICHEALS!" she yelled.

"Oh, it's the crazy one. Why are you calling me? Why do you think we are going to be married and...WHY DO YOU CALL ME YOUR DAMN POO?!" Rick yelled.

Rick cooled down then noticed someone in the video behind Krys. It was Jase who looked rather impatient.

"Yo, Krys give the phone to the guy behind you dressed in red." Rick instructed.

"Who, Jase? Why would you want to talk to him? Whatever…anything for you my hubby." Krys stated.

In the video, Rick watched Krys as she walked up to Jase and told him the message. It seemed Jase was angry and did not want to. Krys started yelling and Jase just yelled back. Then Krys started dragging Jase to the phone.

"Now, listen you! If my hubby wants to talk to you, you will talk to him understand?" Rick heard the other side.

"Hello...” Jase murmured.

"Getting pushed around by a girl. Sadly I don't think that you have what it takes to become the best if you're getting pushed around by her" Rick snickered.

"Well, is it my fault every five minutes she talks about you? What did you do? Make her your wife? I can't believe I let Norman do this to me." Jase whined.

"Tough luck. Anyways, I will be going now. I got to obtain my first badge." Rick said hanging up.

"Crap, that guy is ahead of me. All because of that psychopath." Jase murmured to himself.

"Well, i guess we better get going." Krys declared.

They both left the pokemon center and entered Petalburg woods.
---------------------

Meanwhile, Rick is standing in front of the pewter city gym. He slowly walked over to the rock doors and opened them. He entered the building and found a huge arena full of rocks. What really confused Rick was that on the long sides on the arena, there were two little pools. It looked like a little Jacuzzi.

"Why would a rock gym leader keep swimming pools, or any container of water in his arena?" Rick asked himself.

"Are you here to challenge me for a badge? A voice asked him.

Rick turned around see too see a man around the age of 16 wearing a shirt saying “I Rock”.

“Are you the leader of this gym?” Rick asked.

“Yes I am. My name is Jiroo. If you are here for a battle, you are only asking for defeat.” Jiroo explained.

“We’ll see. My name is Rick Birch and I do challenge you to a battle for a badge” he said.

Well then lets get started shall we? Both trainers walked over to their places on the field and both threw out a pokeballs revealing flashes of light on the field to form their pokemon. Jiroo has chosen his onix and Rick has chosen his combustken. Rick was confident that his new combustken would bring him to victory. The ref then explained the rules. It was a 2on2 battle with no time limit and no substitutions either. The ref dropped the flags signaling the start of the match.

“Torch, start things off with an ember attack!” Rick commanded.

“Onix, use harden!” Jiroo countered.

The large rock pokemon then started to shine then waited patiently for the attack. The fire pokemon shot the fire attack out of his mouth at the larger pokemon but it did not cause much damage.

“Damn, it looks like it was just bitten by a mosquito. Fire attacks won’t work that well on him, but I have a surprise for him.” Rick thought to himself.

“Onix, use tackle down now!” Jiroo ordered.

“Torch, jump on his head and use double kick!” Rick instructed.

The huge rock pokemon started to charge at its smaller opponent, but the fire jumped on its rocky opponent’s head and used a double kick. Then, Torch quickly jumped of as onix hollered in pain.

“Now one more time Torch!” Rick commanded.

The combustken jumped and kicked onix on the once more causing it to faint.

“All right!” Rick yelled.

“Your pokemon is strong but, it will not defeat this pokemon.

He threw the ball to reveal another flash of light forming into a kabuto!

Rick was shocked as he has never heard of this pokemon. He checked up on his dex to discover that it was extinct but then revived with technology. When he turned to glance at his opponent’s pokemon it has vanished. He couldn’t find it anywhere on the field.

“Well, let’s start this battle shall we? Kabuto ,water gun!” Jiroo commanded.

Kabuto then appeared from one of the pools on the arena and blasted a jet of icy water at the fire pokemon, then it went down again. Rick was stunned. He finally knows why that rock leader keeps pools in his gym.

“Torch, run over to that pool and wait for it to come out for air.” Rick instructed.

“Water gun again!” Jiroo commanded once more.

Shockingly kabuto appeared from the other pool and blasted combustken from the back, making it fall into the water and faint. Rick returned his pokemon to his pokemon praising it on a good job. He then took out another pokeball threw it high and release his second pokemon elekid. Elekid then jumped out into the middle of the field. Kabuto surfaced, but elekid being fast turned and used a thundershock, shocking his opponent.

“You want to play with speed eh? Kabuto turn into turbo!” Jiroo ordered.

Kabuto then dived and resurfaced on the other side quickly and blasted elekid with chilly water. When elekid turned around his opponent was nowhere in sight. Elekid then turned to the other pool it got blasted with another water gun. This cycle kept continuing and elekid was getting tired.

“ Damn, how is he doing that? Can a kabuto teleport? No, I don’t think he can learn an attack like that. Wait the pokedex said that it is a very fast swimmer, so…wait that’s it!” Rick thought to himself.

“I’ve figured you out! The pools are connected by an underwater tunnel!” Rick yelled to his opponent.

“Oh? You’re the first person ever to figure me out like that. It doesn’t matter, your pokemon will soon faint.” Jiroo declared.

“Elekid jump into the water and grab kabuto!” Rick yelled.

Elekid then jumped into the water grabbed hold of kabuto.

“Water gun!”

“It won’t work since you’re just adding more water to the pool. It has to be a preety strong trainer to actually damage my pokemon with that.” Rick explained.

“I must say that you are a very intelligent trainer, but I came up with a strategy if something like this occurred. Kabuto you grab on to elekid as well, then use selfdestruct!” Jiroo commanded.

“Are you crazy both pokemon will go down!” Rick protested.

“Kabuto has a special ability called battle armor, so if it self destructs…it will have at least 1hp left.” Jiroo explained, shocking Rick.

Kabuto started glow white. Elekid tried to get out of its grip but it couldn’t. Rick knew they were in trouble, but then it hit him!

“Elekid light screen!” Rick swiftly commanded.

Elekid managed to squirm a little gap in his opponent’s grip so the light screen could fit. Both trainers heard an explosion and waited patiently. Then shockingly elekid jumped out of the pool with his opponent kabuto in his arms fainted. Jiroo has a confused look on his face as he returned his pokemon to its pokeball.

“Hey Jiroo, want to hear how I beat you?” Rick asked.

“Well, that would be nice to know” Jiroo stated.

“Usually your attack would’ve been the end of us but I had elekid use light screen so it would only take half the damage and the other half would be reflected on kabuto because it was so close. It was easily knocked out because the self destruct had left it with only 1 hp so I ended up victorious. Jiroo was in awe, but walked over to Rick and handed him the Boulder badge. Rick congratulated his pokemon and took the badge, putting it in his badge case.

“Hey Rick. Would you mind a tag along with you on your journey?” Jiroo asked.

“Sure, but why. And who will look after the gym?” asked Jiroo.

“My brother will look after it. I want to tag along because like my big brother Brock I want to become a great pokemon breeder and I think I can achieve that goal if I come along with you.” Jiroo explained.

Rick graciously accepted. Then Jiroo let Rick stay at his place for the night
and ate a great dinner!
---------------------------

It was morning and Jiroo was finishing up to say his good byes to his ten brother and sisters. This actually took a while, but after all of that was done Rick and Jiroo got there pokemon healed up and set off on the journey to be the best.

Well, there’s the chapter. Hope you like it.

 

[Atari]

A few spelling errors here and there, but everythings alright. I was really surprised when you wrote that Kyrs brother's name was Max. And that her father's and mother's name were the same as May's in the anime.

On chapter 4 the part I liked best was the 20 MINUTES LATER part and when they arrived at the pkmn. center.
Chapter 5 was alright, as I would rate it as a great out of an excellant. I especially liked the flashbacks because for some reason it reminded me of Ash.
Chapter 6 was awsome, although at first I thought that you were renaming Brock [Jiroo]. Nevermind... He's not. - Where is Brock anyway? Nevermind that too I guess...

 

[DKzM0mA]

A few spelling errors here and there, but everythings alright. I was really surprised when you wrote that Kyrs brother's name was Max. And that her father's and mother's name were the same as May's in the anime.

On chapter 4 the part I liked best was the 20 MINUTES LATER part and when they arrived at the pkmn. center.
Chapter 5 was alright, as I would rate it as a great out of an excellant. I especially liked the flashbacks because for some reason it reminded me of Ash.
Chapter 6 was awsome, although at first I thought that you were renaming Brock [Jiroo]. Nevermind... He's not. - Where is Brock anyway? Nevermind that too I guess...

Thx for the compliments. If you didn't know Jiroo is Brock's little brother who he lets take care of the gym while he's in hoenn http://www.serebii.net/anime/characters/jiroo.shtml

 

[Atari]

Sorry, I'm not exactly sure I've seen that episode.I really wish I had though, unless it hasn't come out to US yet. Thx for telling me

 

[Scizor King]

Hmm... good, but constant spelling errors. But, this will be interesting.