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Hostage in Hoenn

BlazingCold

Well-Known Member
Hostage in Hoenn [PG-18]

HOSTAGE IN HOENN

1. He
2. She
3. He and She
4. He or She​

If you want to be pm'd when a new chapter comes out, well, PM me. Thanks for reading, I know it's not the best but I've grown a new passion to write so that's what drew me back to this website. Criticism welcome, but don't be too excessive. Thanks y'all for reading. :)

“HE”​
“We interrupt your broadcast to bring you breaking news on the situation in Hoenn. The IPTA (International Pokémon Terror Association) has taken over Fortree city and are holding it down on lockdown.”

“How terrifying!” said his mom, sitting in her rocking chair as she did every night. To her right was her diet coke, to her left was her knitting project she was working on. “Hey... that guy kind of looks like Johnny!”

He looked back at the TV, remembering his brother that disappeared three years ago. “Mom, we all know what happened to Johnny. He was walking to Dale’s house and he fell in a ditch.”

She rewound the television, to go back to the footage from Fortree city. The man supposed to be Johnny had a black ski mask over his face, but the man’s baby blue eyes and sandy brown curly hair sort of struck a resemblance to his younger brother.

“I don’t know mom, but I’m going to go take a walk.”

“Ok, well take Lilly with you if you’re going to. Also walk fast because it’s eight o’clock!”

“Alright ma,” he said, walking out the door with their pet, Lilly. The sky was clear that night. He saw Orion clearly, shooting his arrow through the sky.

BANG

He heard a loud gunshot noise, from right behind him. Lilly started barking, ferociously. He started running. He ran on the track team, so he had that going for him.

BANG

“What the **** was that!” he yelled sprinting away. Suddenly, a large gray Toyota pulled up in front of him. A black man wearing a green hoodie, holding a gun in his right hand, stepped out of the driver’s seat

“Hello,” said the mysterious man.

“Please don’t kill me,” he said, shaking.

“Oh don’t worry, we won’t kill you.”

“We?” he replied. That was the last thing he remembered.

“SHE”​

“Oh gosh, Josh. You’re really too much.”
It was supposed to be that perfect night. Her dream boy, Josh Harper, brought her to the nicest restaurant in town, David’s Steakhouse. It was as if the two were made for each other. She had beautiful flowing brown hair, with charming eyes, and Josh was the masculine, good looking rich kid that every girl dreams of.

“Wow… you really look beautiful tonight,” Josh said, blushing.

She smiled in return, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“How about some waters to get you two started?” asked the waitress.

“No ice in either of ours,” said Josh.

“No, I’ll have ice in mine,” she replied.

“Don’t listen to her,” he snapped, sternly, “No ice in either of ours.”

She sat there puzzled. “Why can’t I have ice in my water?” she asked.

Josh sat there and chuckled. “It’s an OCD thing for me, honestly. Did you hear about what’s happening in Hoenn right now?”

“No, but whatever it is, I probably don’t care.”

“Well, there is this terror association called the IPTA, the International Pokémon Terror Association. And – they are taking over cities, abducting trainers, and taking the trainers Pokémon. They are building the largest Pokémon army ever assembled, and Hoenn is just the beginning. After Hoenn they’ll move to their next door neighbors, Johto. And after they conquer Johto, they will be too strong to even be tried to stop. So, the only way to stop them is to go now.”

“Are you implying that – I should go to Hoenn to try and stop this terror association? Ha!” she laughed.

“I don’t know, but there’s apparently a gang here and they’re a part of the IPTA. When people are out at night, they snatch them and take them to work in Hoenn. You and I can go to Hoenn and team up with the people there. We’ll become great Pokémon trainers and conquer this force. We’ll love each other till we’re dead.” Josh reached out his hand. “Come on, you’re the most beautiful woman I've met in my life. Come with me to Hoenn?” he asked.

“That is IT!” she stammered. She took her coat and purse and stammered out into the streets, to catch a taxi.

“I’M SORRY!” she heard from outside the restaurant. She didn't even hesitate, just kept walking.
“I LOVE YOU! COME BACK.” She turned around to see Josh standing there, at the base of the restaurant. She turned around and bumped into a man.

“Hello,” the man said, grabbing her. She screamed for help, but nobody heard her, and before she knew it, she was riding in the man’s trunk.
 
Last edited:

Psychic

Really and truly
Hey there! You have an interesting idea here with a lot of potential for mystery, thrills and suspense, so I thought I'd drop a review!

This is a pretty interesting idea - a group of terrorists slowly taking over a region and planning to move on to others, abducting trainers and building an army for unknown purposes. Like I said, there is a ton of potential in that, with so many directions you can take the story. This is a pretty big plot, yet you have what seem to be pretty average people getting involved in it, so getting to see ordinary people stop a huge organization can be both cool, and add a very human element to the story. It will be exciting seeing what happens and how things play out.

That said, I think you should work on these two scenes. It's nice seeing some slice of life aspects of the story, especially when it will probably get a lot more scary and serious later on, but the scenes felt kind of awkward in places, and could have benefited from more detail.

With the first scene, right off the bat it would have been really helpful if you showed us what was happening on TV. Is there a reporter on the edge of Fortree City, where people dressed all in black patrol with their ferocious Pokemon? Are they two news anchors sitting at a desk, looking at images of hostages cowering in their homes or trying to fight their captors? What is the guy who looks like Johnny doing that his mother recognizes him despite the mask? On the topic of Johnny, this was one of the awkward moments - saying "He was walking to Dale’s house and he fell in a ditch" that way sounds really insensitive, especially if it's family saying it. It's clear that you're trying to find a way to include this information, but you can be more subtle and the reader will probably still get it. That said, this explanation still doesn't really explain what happened. Usually falling in a ditch just results in breaking a few bones and calling an ambulance. I'm not sure if you're trying to imply that the fall killed Johnny, in which case his family would have found and buried the body. If this guy on TV is Johnny, then that couldn't happen. Did he escape from the hospital or something? Lastly, you never said what Pokemon Lily is, or where they went for their walk.

The second scene was generally pretty awkward. The interaction between these characters feels very stilted, and Josh comes across as creepy. To start, Josh saying his date can’t have ice in her water because he has OCD is not normal or okay. Firstly, having OCD doesn’t make you do this, and OCD is not an excuse for telling people what to do. Secondly, not “letting” someone have something they want is a real jerk move, and it’s actually really controlling and bordering on abuse. He doesn’t even know this person, and he’s using his mental issues as an excuse to control her! The fact that he just laughs it off is really creepy, and I don’t think you intended for that. Next, the way he brings up a really serious subject out of the blue is also really weird - they haven't even ordered their food yet! Normally, people make small talk before getting into serious discussions. He then wants her to join him on a dangerous mission to Hoenn, even though he doesn’t seem to know anything about her. And then he talks about how they’ll “love each other till we’re dead” and screams that he loves her when she runs away. Of course, the woman also acts pretty strangely, being rude when Josh asks about IPTA and getting weirdly angry when she storms out - even though I think she is completely justified in wanting to run away from such a creepy date.

Other general notes about both scenes is that they could benefit from a bit more description. Tell us about the quiet house and forest in the first scene, and the busy restaurant in the second to help set the mood. You can also describe the characters a bit more, and tell us what they’re thinking and feeling over the course of the story. The kidnappings are also not thought out very well. Kidnapping someone at eight pm with gunshots going off, or outside a busy restaurant while the victim screams, doesn’t really make sense.

That said, your grammar was quite good, and your punctuation, especially for dialogue, was spot-on, which is something to be proud of! Mastering punctuation isn’t easy, but you’re quite good at it! The only mistakes I'd like to point out:
“I don’t know mom, but I’m going to go take a walk.”
“Alright ma,”
Since “mom” and “ma” are proper nouns (meaning that they're nicknames), they both need to be capitalized. In addition, whenever you have a direct address you need to add a comma. So they should be:
“I don’t know, Mom, but I’m going to go take a walk.”
“Alright, Ma,”


With all that said, I think you have an interesting idea here! Having ordinary people get caught up in this big plot can make for a great story, and it sounds like you have a lot of great ideas. Your grammar and punctuation are also great, which help make your story stand out. You definitely need to work on some of the character interactions to make them feel more natural, as well as adding description to the scenes, but those are pretty easy to do. This story has a lot of potential, so I hope you'll continue working on it!

Good luck,
~Psychic
 

BlazingCold

Well-Known Member
“HE AND SHE”
“Great job getting the new recruits Josh.”

“Thanks,” Josh replied.

“Josh, your work here as an abductor has been profound. How many captures have you gotten?”

“With the two recent captures, I think I snatched eight people, right off my fingertips. Don’t forget my partner, Jose. I’m the bait, and he’s the fishing rod.”

“Great work. Do you need any more human balls?”

Reader, stop right there. I know you’ve heard of poke balls, but what the hell could a human ball be? That’s right, it’s exactly what you think it is. It’s a poke-ball, for humans. Created by Dr. Joseph Mengeal, it is a poke ball that traps humans inside. When the creator of IPTA found out of the invention it was merely capturing the humans, and creating the world wide terror organization, whose captured slaves fight for a clause not even they know of.

“Uh---yeah I think we only have two more left.”

“Alright here you go,” the manager said, handing him 8 more balls. “Scuffle out.”

---

He woke up in a room full of other people, whom where all asleep. He tried to get up, but his hands were chained to the wall. He tried to scream, but his mouth was taped shut. He was sitting there, helpless.

---
She woke up naked, in an unfamiliar bedroom. She was in a bed, under pink covers. When she got up, there was a note for her on the desk.

“Hello Mia. I know you’re probably confused right now, but here’s the story. You left the dinner, and my friend Jose picked you up. For 8 days you were in our new contraption, the human ball, as we transported you from Unova all the way to Hoenn. Now that you’re here, you’re going to work with us. Please put on the garments that are in your closet to the left. Then leave the room, and someone will be waiting for you.”

Still partially confused, Mia put on the bra and panties laid out for her. She opened the door, to be greeted by a seemingly gay black guy.

“Hellooooo Mia! It’s so nice to see you!” the seemingly gay black guy explained. He wore a black collared shirt, on top of that a pink suit, with leopard tights under that.

“Hi,” she said, blushing. “Do you know what I’m here for?”

“Well darling, I’m going to put some makeup on you and then you’re going to the next room and pick your outfit.” For 3 hours she sat there as this man put on her makeup, then advanced to the next room.

“Hello, Mia. So nice to meet you,” said the lady with a thick accent. “You have three choices to wear, and I think they all suit you beautifully.”

All three choices were green, she could either wear a green blouse with green jeans, a green mini-dress, or a green gown. She chose to wear the blouse. As she advanced into the next room, she walked into a with television equipment scattered throughout the room. A formal man, wearing a green tuxedo approached her.

“Mia, welcome to the production of our commercial. Your beauty has lead you to become the spokesperson for our association. Your room is on the right. Our producer isn’t here because of illness, so unfortunately our production is not going to be filmed till tomorrow. So go into your room, you can change clothes but do not shower or remove any makeup.” Three large men pushed her into the room.

The room was a suite, large. In the left corner, a lamp. Over to the right led to a bathroom. Mia sat there, and pondered. As she thought what had happened, she became furious. Romping throughout the room, Mia picked up the lamp and hurled it at the window, breaking it.

“WHAT THE HELL?” yelled somebody from below.

---
“LISTEN UP!” a large muscular man screamed. “100 of you made it here, 50 will make it out of this room! GET UP!” Everyone got up. “FOLLOW ME!”

“Do you have any clue what we’re doing?” he asked a random guy who simply shook his head. The strict man led all of them to a track.

“The first 50 people to run 4 miles around this track survive. GO!” yelled the large man, as he blew a whistle.

He started slowly, fiftieth out of everyone running the first mile, who all stayed in a tight pack. He paced himself however, and running 4 miles at a consistent pace wins the race. He finished his final mile before everyone. When he was finished, he was taken into a room where they put a green uniform on him. The other 49 that lived through the test were also given this uniform, and they all were told to simple walk along the perimeter of this large building in a group. Anyone that fell out of the group would be killed.

“This building is where all the prisoners are kept so you best not **** up, because there is always going to be somebody watching you.”

He did his job so well he was promoted two days within getting the job. He was given a Starraptor named Daniel to help him patrol the main building, not the prison.. That’s when it all happened.

---
HE OR SHE?
CRASH.

Glass fell on his head. “What the hell?” he screamed. Shards of glass fell towars his face, but were shielded by his long hair.

She had a “oh **** what did I just do” moment and ran back into her room, hiding under her green covers.

“Starraptor, fly!” he yelled as he hopped on. He flew up the building with starraptor, and on the penthouse he saw the broken window. He hopped through the broken window and saw a girl hiding under the blankets.

“GET UP!” he yelled, and Mia obeyed his command.

“Michael?”

“Mia?” Astonished, he ran to her side.

“How did you get here Michael?”

“I… was captured, and then I became a security guard. How’d you get here?”

Mia explained the story of her going to dinner with Josh. Michael and Mia were dating before, but they split up because Michael simply was not loyal enough to her. However, the two of them still shared a very intimate bond. Michael stripped himself in front of Mia, before removing Mia’s clothing as the two of them spent the night together.

When Michael woke up in the morning, in Mia’s bed, he saw Mia naked. He got out of bed, and found a note on the counter.

“Michael, there is a wig in the bathroom. Wear that and find another change of clothes. You need to act like me just for today. I am going to be asleep for the rest of the day—instead of taking advil, I took sleeping drugs on accident. Please Michael, our lives reside on this, don’t be embarrassed.
-Mia”

Michael, or shall we say Mia now, followed command. He went into the bathroom to see a wig and another note.

“Another thing, shave your man-hair.”

Michael, damn, I mean Mia, followed command. After shaving his legs and pits, he went to the dresser.

“This is going to be the uncomfortable part. It’s going to feel uncomfortable to be wearing women’s garments but I need you to. In the back, I found a breast implant, use that as your cleavage. And for the underwear- well uh… just wear it and rock it!”

Mia put on the breast implant and put on a bra and a pair of green panties. He looked in the mirror, embaressed but surprised. He looked like Mia. Curvy, slim, and short, he had a feminine appearance and genuinely could be mistaken for her. He slipped on a green mini-dress, and he exited the room and to his surprise, landed in a television room.

“Mia, my beautiful lady you look gorgeous today! What happened to your makeup?”

Taking on the most feminine voice he could, Mia told him that he accidently washed it off. “No worries,” said the man, “Just head back to Cesar over there.”

He walked back and took a seat. “Why hello there pretty lady, it’s an honor to do your makeup again,” he said.

“Thank you sir,” he said as Cesar went to work on her face. He sat there, confused. When Cesar finished his makeup, he went to the television room.

“Mia! Welcome, darling!” said the man that greeted him before.

“Hi.”

“Your voice sounds deeper. Did you sleep on the wrong side of the bed or something?”

“No, I got a great night of sleep last night,” he said, with a more high pitched voice.

“Well, what’s going to happen is that you’re going to read what’s on the screen. Don’t think about it, just read honey. Ready?”

The teleprompter turned on. “Lights, camera, action!” yelled somebody behind the set, and the spotlights turned on Mia.

---
 
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