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How the Legends Were Created!

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Silent Conversation

Chart obsessed wanker
Okay, I've decided to create another fan - fic. Knowing me, you'll think "oh great, another fic that'll soon be abandoned". But I can garuntee that I won't abandon this. Another thing, the chapters will be really short but there will be a lot of chapters. Third thing: I am a terrible fan - fic writer who mostly sucks at grammer so bring on the critisism.

I have already done 11 chapters, so I'll post the 1st one now, then continue to post them after reviews start.
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Chapter 1

A long, long time ago, there was only one pokemon known to live on the Earth. It was called Mew. Mew had a special power. It could create pokemon whenever it wanted to. Mew was called a legend.

Mew had never created any other pokemon because it was afraid that if it did, something would go wrong. So on Earth there was Mew. Just Mew. Only Mew.

One day, Mew got bored. He had absolutely nobody to play with, since there were no other pokemon alive on Earth.

“Maybe one little creation won’t hurt. I’ll make it a friendly creation, one that would never fight. And I’ll give it a special power. I’ll give it the power to travel through time,” said Mew. So Mew deicded to use its power to form a small, green creature. Mew started shaking and soon a blob appeared. It grew bigger and bigger, until it was formed.

“Where am I?” asked the small creature, confused.

“You’re on planet Earth,” replied Mew.

“Who am I?” asked the creature, still confused.

“That’s actually a good question,” said Mew. Mew had forgotten that he hadn’t thought of a name for the creature! After thinking hard, it finally came to him.

“I’ll name you Celebi,” decided Mew.

“That’s a nice name. I like Celebi,” said Celebi happily.

“My name’s Mew. Do you want to be friends?” asked Mew, hoping Celebi would say yes. To get a friend was the only reason Mew created Celebi.

“Sure! That would be fun!” said Celebi. Now Mew had finally used its powers to create its very own friend: Celebi.
 
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Sammi

Banned
... That isn't even long enough to be a chapter.

It sounds intresting though. If you actually made it long enough, I'd be a fan.
 

Silent Conversation

Chart obsessed wanker
I might just end up taking two chapters and putting them together until all 11 cahpters I've made are finished being posted.

EA, either you're being sarcastic, or you decided not to fully read what I posted.
 

Silent Conversation

Chart obsessed wanker
Okay, here is my new improved chapter 1!

Chapter 1

A long, long time ago, there was only one pokemon known to live on the Earth. It was called Mew. Mew had a special power. It could create pokemon whenever it wanted to. Mew was called a legend.

Mew had never created any other pokemon because it was afraid that if it did, something would go wrong. So on Earth there was Mew. Just Mew. Only Mew.

One day, Mew got bored. He had absolutely nobody to play with, since there were no other pokemon alive on Earth.

“Maybe one little creation won’t hurt. I’ll make it a friendly creation, one that would never fight. And I’ll give it a special power. I’ll give it the power to travel through time,” said Mew. So Mew decided to use its power to form a small, green creature. Mew started shaking and soon a small white blob appeared in front of him. It started growing bigger and bigger, then turned green and formed shape.

“Where am I?” asked the small creature, confused.

“You’re on planet Earth,” replied Mew.

“Who am I?” asked the creature, still confused.

“That’s actually a good question,” said Mew. Mew had forgotten that he hadn’t thought of a name for the creature! After thinking for a long time, it finally came to him.

“I’ll name you Celebi,” decided Mew.

“That’s a nice name. I like Celebi,” said Celebi, happily.

“My name’s Mew. Do you want to be friends?” asked Mew. Mew hoped that Celebi would say yes. To get a friend was the only reason Mew created Celebi!

“Sure! That would be fun!” said Celebi. Now Mew had finally used its powers to create its very own friend: Celebi.

Mew and Celebi were the best of friends. They played together every day; they ate berries together, and did much more. Soon, Mew and Celebi started to get tired.

“Mew, I’m bored. Let’s go find other creatures like us to play with,” said Celebi.

“But we’re the only creatures of our kind on this planet,” said Mew.

“Then how are we here?” asked Celebi.

“I was magically formed. Then I created you. I have a special power to create creatures,” explained Mew.

“Can you create another creature? That would be good,” pleaded Celebi.

“I don’t know. Something might go wrong,” said Mew.

“Mew, can’t you ever have fun?” asked Celebi, disappointed.

“Okay, fine, I’ll do it!” said Mew.

“But what kind of creature should it be?” asked Celebi.

Mew thought about it. Then it got an idea.

“I know! It’ll be a small creature, just like us. It will have a white stomach, and will be yellow around the edges. And it’ll have the power to grant any wishes,” said Mew.

“Good idea!” said Celebi.

So Mew decided to use its powers once again and formed a small creature according to its description. A blob appeared which grew bigger and bigger, then turned a bit yellow.

“Where am I?” asked the creature, confused.

“You’re on planet Earth,” replied Celebi.

“Who am I?” asked the creature, still confused.

“Mew, we forgot, we haven’t thought of a name for this creature!” said Celebi.

Mew thought and thought and thought, but it couldn't figure out a good name. Finally, it came to him.

“Let’s name it Jirachi,” decided Mew.

“Jirachi? Is my name Jirachi? I like Jirachi,” said Jirachi, happily.

“Well, from now on that’s your name,” said Mew.

“Cool! But who are you?” asked Jirachi.

“I’m Celebi,” introuced Celebi.

“And I’m Mew,” introduced Mew.

“Do you want to be our friend?” asked Celebi.

“Yes! That’ll be fun!” said Jirachi.

Now Mew had created a second creature and friend, which made a total of three pokemon friends on Earth.
 
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Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
Eh, it's still short and you overloaded with the dialogue. No description....How did Mew create Celebi or Jirachi, what the hell do they look like? What did the area look like when they created Celebi and Jirachi. Dude, Description is your best friend.

Eh, read the Advice thread cause it helps. It'll make you an even better writer, trust me. I've learned a lot from it.
 

Psychic

Really and truly
If it was a joke, you could have at least said something productive instead of just SPAMing. Say something relevent, or say nothing at all.



Anyways, I highly suggest you have a look at the Stickies, a well as a few other fics before continueing your own, 4GM. This really needs work, and it is, at this point, only barely acceptable as a piece of writing. Right now, it is flat, dull and not very interesting to read. That isn't going to attract many reading.

How can you make it more engaging for the readers? Simple:

Make it more than just lines after line of dialogue! I mean, what they say is cute and everything, but I can't really visualize the scene in my head. As the author, it is your job to describe things to us- the way characters and their surroundings look, how the characters act/feel/think and so on. Right now I can't imagine what the characters look like, and I can't imagine them interacting with each other. I have absolutely no idea where they are and what it looks like (and if it's a happy place, sad place, scary place or fun place). And most importantly, what does it look like when Mew is creating new creatures? Are they appearing out of thin air, their molecules being combined and joined together for days and days until a creature takes shape? Do leaves rise off the ground and twirl about in the air, forming a cocoon from which Celebi emerges dramatically, unforlding clear, fairy-like wings and waving light green, pudgy arms about? I don't know if you don't tell me.

The characters also aren't showing any real emotion, either. They're acting like robots who were programmed to say happy things. What are these creatures like- are they happy, giddy, bouncy? Or are they solemn? Are they afraid of everything around them? How afraid is Mew of making new creatures? And show us why, instead of just bluntly saying "Mew had never created any other pokemon because it was afraid that if it did, something would go wrong." Well, what kind of thing does Mew think would go wrong? And exactly why does Mew and later Celebi want more friends? how do they get this idea, and what do they hope to gain by creating more creatures?



Really...I think you just need to spend more time working on each chapter. It's bad enough to post a chapter when it's unfinished, especially if you can easily save it on Microsoft Word instead. Seriously, look over each chapter and work on it for more than half an hour before deciding to post it. Ask yourself if your readers will be able to visualize the scene taking place, and if the characters seem realistic and actually have thoughts and emotions that they don't just say out loud. People are more complicated than that.

~Psychic
 

Godslayer

Well-Known Member
I can't say I can't visualize whats happening but the important part is that I can't visualize it how you do. I want to read a story and be told of a world through the authors eyes, not neccesarily leaving the details completely to me like you have.
 

Treeckoman7

Stickers are ghetto
It is all dialogue, and the sentences really all start with the same word
i.e
Mew said" Yay!"
Mew flew away. Mew found doughnuts. Mew ate the doughnuts.
See, that is sort of how your story sounds.
 

Psychic

Really and truly
It is all dialogue, and the sentences really all start with the same word
i.e
Mew said" Yay!"
Mew flew away. Mew found doughnuts. Mew ate the doughnuts.
See, that is sort of how your story sounds.
Indeed, a very good, and true point. All the sentences are short and to the point, and again, doesn't make for an interesting read. It makes the story choppy because all the sentences are so short and simple, and truth be told, it gets a bit boring to read.

Although generally, your grammar was good, it is a bit too simple. Of course, it's cute, because it sounds like a fairy tale mothers tell their children at night about how the world was created, but I don't know if that's really the effect you were going for.
You need to spice it up a bit- use more diverse and strong language, make longer sentences that vary in style and length and try not to sound so repetitive. If this is a children's story type thing, it's okay, but you should specify so, and know that I might not be too widely accepted around here.


*shrugs* Good luck, and think about what you've been told!

~Psychic
 

Silent Conversation

Chart obsessed wanker
Sheesh, I know I said bring on the critisism, but you all are forgetting that this used to be just for my pleasure! The only reason I posted it is because I wanted to see if people would like it or not.

Anyways, next chapter up soon.
 

azurill

Well-Known Member
Very short but it does indeed draw interest.And btw I'm writing a fic where two of the main protagonists are Mew and Celebi, just telling you so you won't think I stole the idea(the plot is completely different, it is just that I use Mew and Celebi)
 

Silent Conversation

Chart obsessed wanker
Okay, here's the next chapter. For the people who hate the lack of description and too much dialogue, you won't like this chapter either.

Chapter 3

Mew and Celebi had even more fun, now that Jirachi had come. It was like the three pokemon were brothers and sisters. It was almost true. They loved each other. They would do anything to save each other. But they were all small. How would they be able to save each other from big danger?

“I just thought of something. How will we save each other if a human comes and tries to capture us?” Mew asked his friends.

“I haven’t thought of that,” replied Celebi.

“Mew, how about you create a pokemon that will protect us?” asked Jirachi.

“That’s a great idea! I’ll actually make two pokemon. They’ll be brother and sister. One will be red and white and the other will be blue and white. Their powers will be to see exactly what their brother or sister is seeing. I’ll name the red and white one Latias and the blue and white one will be Latios,” explained Mew.

“That’s a good idea!” said Celebi.

So Mew used its power once again to create two pokemon, each one matching Mew’s description.

“Where are we?” asked the creatures.

“You’re on planet Earth,” replied Jirachi.

“Who are we?” asked the creatures.

“You’re Latias,” Celebi said as she pointed to the red and white creature.

“And you’re Latios,” Jirachi said as it pointed to the blue and white creature.

“We like those names,” said Latios and Latias.

“Your jobs are to protect us from evil,” said Mew.

“Okay. We like those jobs,” said Latios and Latias.

Now Mew, Celebi and Jirachi would always be safe. At least that’s what they thought.

* * *​

“But Mew, how do we know for sure that Latios and Latias will protect us from all danger?” asked Jirachi.

“Simple. I’ll make two new creatures and make them pretend they hate each other, so they start fighting. The fight starts getting dangerous, so Latias and Latios have to save us,” said Mew.

“Okay. But what should the creatures be?” asked Celebi.

“One will be a big red creature. The god of land. Its name will be Groudon. The other creature will be a big blue creature. The god of water. Its name will be Kyogre,” said Mew. It used its powers to create pokemon number 6 and number 7 on Earth.

“Where and who am I?” asked Groudon.

“And where and who am I?” asked Kyogre.

“You’re both on planet Earth,” said Mew.

“You’re Groudon,” said Celebi as she pointed to Groudon.

“And you’re Kyogre,” said Jirachi as he pointed to Kyogre.

“Cool,” said the new creatures.

“Now pretend to fight. Groudon, you say to Kyogre that land is better than water. Kyogre, you say the opposite. But just pretend,” said Mew.

“Okay,” said Kyogre. Then he turned to face Groudon. “Water is so much better than land!” He showed this by making a small wave and splashing it onto Groudon’s face.

“What are you talking about!? Land is so much better!” said Groudon. He proved this by making the land shake a little under Kyogre, making him fall over.

“Wait, I just realized something! Water actually IS better than land!” said Kyogre.

“No!! Land is so much better!” said Groudon angrily.

“Is not!!” shouted Kyogre.

“Is too!” shouted Groudon.

“We’ll battle to see which one is better!!” shouted Kyogre.

“You’re on!!” shouted Groudon.

“Uh – oh,” said Mew.
 

Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
LOLZ! Thois chapter didn't even have the slightest improvement. I don't even know WTF Latios, Latias, Kyogre and Groudon looked like. Dude, description is your best friend. Eh, Kyogre and Groudon sound like such little kids.

"LAND IS BETTER!"

"NO WATER IS!!!"

Yadayadayadayada.

Sheesh, I know I said bring on the critisism, but you all are forgetting that this used to be just for my pleasure! The only reason I posted it is because I wanted to see if people would like it or not.

Yeah it's for your pleasure but it's supposed to be for ours too. You can't post some unthought fic that no one will like. Put some effort into it so we will have the pleaseure to read it.

Read the Advice thread throughly. It WILL REALLY HELP! Good luck, 4GM.
 

Libie

Well-Known Member
Stories with lots of dialogue CAN be awesome (just read Of Mice and Men by Steinberg - that's a person, not a user on Serebii forums) but if you read the story in brackets you'd notice that the very first paragraph has a TON of description, too. So yeah, I agree with everyone else. Make it interesting, why is Mew afraid of creating things? Why do Groudon and Kyogre act like little kids? (They don't really look like kids, but I suppose looks can be deceiving, but I mean Celebi and Jirachi don't act much like kids (playing isn't just for children!), and Mew must be pretty mature to think of consequences, unlike K and G...)

Although to be honest I'm not much of a fan fic writer, so, yeah... but it might prove interesting, so I'll keep an eye here.
 

Godslayer

Well-Known Member
Sheesh, I know I said bring on the critisism, but you all are forgetting that this used to be just for my pleasure! The only reason I posted it is because I wanted to see if people would like it or not.

Anyways, next chapter up soon.

You've seen then, people don't.
 

Psychic

Really and truly
You people are making a whole litter of baby Phanpy cry. Seriously, half of you don’t know what you’re talking about, and I feel like I’m the only person here who actually knows about reviewing. ;;



Sheesh, I know I said bring on the critisism, but you all are forgetting that this used to be just for my pleasure! The only reason I posted it is because I wanted to see if people would like it or not.
Yes, you should be writing for your own pleasure, but like I said- don’t post here unless you are ready to face criticism. And if you say “bring on the criticism” you can’t suddenly get upset at us for criticizing your work. Because then, you’d be a filthy, bitter old hypocrite. And nobody likes a jerk who is a filthy, bitter old hypocrite.
So if you’re not prepared to face the music, don’t go to the concert.



Yeah it's for your pleasure but it's supposed to be for ours too. You can't post some unthought fic that no one will like. Put some effort into it so we will have the pleaseure to read it.
No, it isn’t for our pleasure. A person writes because they enjoy writing, and hopefully, they post here in hopes of receiving feedback and advice that will help them advance in their writing skills.
If you like what you read, then congratulations, good for you. But writers aren’t being paid to write, and they have no obligation to amuse you. If you came here expecting that writers are obligated to entertain you, gtfo, right now.

It isn’t about the readers. It’s about the writers.

But yes, that’s no excuse to just write up a five-minute long piece of crap and just post it willy-nilly. A person can’t be proud of something they did quickly and without thought.



And btw I'm writing a fic where two of the main protagonists are Mew and Celebi, just telling you so you won't think I stole the idea(the plot is completely different, it is just that I use Mew and Celebi)
Oh, wow, congratulations. But you don’t have to worry, because 4GM doesn’t own Pokémon or any of its characters. So you can make Mew and Celebi be in your fic if you want, and nobody will think you’re stealing someone else’s plot or story. Now, if you had a story where Mew gets bored, creates Celebi, who persuades Mew to create Jirachi. Then, if you were to rip this off, they would create Latias and Latios to protect themselves from a danger they themselves create in the forums of Groudon and Kyogre.

But if you’re not doing that, there’s no need to worry.




Anyways, let’s see; in Chapter three…well, I pretty much just summarized what happened. The thre minis get bored and create protectors. Protectors have nothing to protect against, so they create rivals. Rivals start to fight for real. OH TEH NOES, WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!?!
Create Rayquaza. :O

That is one crappy chapter. Where did you come up with the idea- off the back of a cereal box? *laughs at own stupid insult* Anything worth reading isn’t typed up in five minutes and posted immediately without a second thought. Look back at my first review, in the last paragraph. I told you what you should do before posting. Clearly, you decided to ignore me. Bad move.


Seriously, it isn’t a good chapter. Each chapter, if made into a TV show, should be about half an hour long. This would have lasted five minutes. And it would have been a boring five minutes too, where the scene is in black and white, the characters are all shadows with streaks of color, and they show no emotions whatsoever.
The length was pitiful, and the chapter was still rushed and lacking in every single thing I mentioned. There’s no description of anything, no character depth, no personality, no emotion. And we still don’t know what it looks like when Mew creates a Pokémon.
Remember the part where we can’t read your mind and know what you’re thinking? Or the part where I sometimes forget what Groudon looks like? Doesn’t it have, like, tentacles growing out of its ears or something? Yeah, I remember! It has a long trunk that is uses to suck up water, and then it spits out the water with its tentacles!!!!!

Right? :D

If I’m wrong, I have no idea, because YOU AREN’T TELLING ME.



Listen to your reviewers. Take what they say into account when writing your chapters. Ignoring the rules, and ignoring your reviewers, and then ignoring Mods, can result not only in your fic getting closed down, and you get one step closer to getting a ban.



Like I said, it’s cute that you’re writing this in a fairy-tale manner, with grammar so simple it might as well have been written by a nine-year-old, but unless you specifically tell us that you’re writing it this was on purpose, people will just think you’re ignoring us, that you’re being a jerk, or you are incapable or ever getting better. OR all of the above. ><

So, what do you want people to think of you? It’s your own choice. Just try to make the right one.



~Psychic
 

Silent Conversation

Chart obsessed wanker
You people are making a whole litter of baby Phanpy cry. Seriously, half of you don’t know what you’re talking about, and I feel like I’m the only person here who actually knows about reviewing. ;;




Yes, you should be writing for your own pleasure, but like I said- don’t post here unless you are ready to face criticism. And if you say “bring on the criticism” you can’t suddenly get upset at us for criticizing your work. Because then, you’d be a filthy, bitter old hypocrite. And nobody likes a jerk who is a filthy, bitter old hypocrite.
So if you’re not prepared to face the music, don’t go to the concert.




No, it isn’t for our pleasure. A person writes because they enjoy writing, and hopefully, they post here in hopes of receiving feedback and advice that will help them advance in their writing skills.
If you like what you read, then congratulations, good for you. But writers aren’t being paid to write, and they have no obligation to amuse you. If you came here expecting that writers are obligated to entertain you, gtfo, right now.

It isn’t about the readers. It’s about the writers.

But yes, that’s no excuse to just write up a five-minute long piece of crap and just post it willy-nilly. A person can’t be proud of something they did quickly and without thought.




Oh, wow, congratulations. But you don’t have to worry, because 4GM doesn’t own Pokémon or any of its characters. So you can make Mew and Celebi be in your fic if you want, and nobody will think you’re stealing someone else’s plot or story. Now, if you had a story where Mew gets bored, creates Celebi, who persuades Mew to create Jirachi. Then, if you were to rip this off, they would create Latias and Latios to protect themselves from a danger they themselves create in the forums of Groudon and Kyogre.

But if you’re not doing that, there’s no need to worry.




Anyways, let’s see; in Chapter three…well, I pretty much just summarized what happened. The thre minis get bored and create protectors. Protectors have nothing to protect against, so they create rivals. Rivals start to fight for real. OH TEH NOES, WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!?!
Create Rayquaza. :O

That is one crappy chapter. Where did you come up with the idea- off the back of a cereal box? *laughs at own stupid insult* Anything worth reading isn’t typed up in five minutes and posted immediately without a second thought. Look back at my first review, in the last paragraph. I told you what you should do before posting. Clearly, you decided to ignore me. Bad move.


Seriously, it isn’t a good chapter. Each chapter, if made into a TV show, should be about half an hour long. This would have lasted five minutes. And it would have been a boring five minutes too, where the scene is in black and white, the characters are all shadows with streaks of color, and they show no emotions whatsoever.
The length was pitiful, and the chapter was still rushed and lacking in every single thing I mentioned. There’s no description of anything, no character depth, no personality, no emotion. And we still don’t know what it looks like when Mew creates a Pokémon.
Remember the part where we can’t read your mind and know what you’re thinking? Or the part where I sometimes forget what Groudon looks like? Doesn’t it have, like, tentacles growing out of its ears or something? Yeah, I remember! It has a long trunk that is uses to suck up water, and then it spits out the water with its tentacles!!!!!

Right? :D

If I’m wrong, I have no idea, because YOU AREN’T TELLING ME.



Listen to your reviewers. Take what they say into account when writing your chapters. Ignoring the rules, and ignoring your reviewers, and then ignoring Mods, can result not only in your fic getting closed down, and you get one step closer to getting a ban.



Like I said, it’s cute that you’re writing this in a fairy-tale manner, with grammar so simple it might as well have been written by a nine-year-old, but unless you specifically tell us that you’re writing it this was on purpose, people will just think you’re ignoring us, that you’re being a jerk, or you are incapable or ever getting better. OR all of the above. ><

So, what do you want people to think of you? It’s your own choice. Just try to make the right one.



~Psychic

I am reading all this and I will use it, after I get through the chapters I have already done! I'm not ignoring you!

BTW, I AM a nine - year - old.
 
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